Monday, July 9

R.I.P Grandad 09.01.39 to 29.12.17

I have been wanting to post this for a while but been finding the right words to put or say. I wasn't allowed to put any of this on Facebook because it was private which is understandable and I did let a few people that I am close too on Facebook in messenger. All I did was change my profile picture to a picture of me and Grandad when I was a baby.

My whole life fell apart when my Grandad had passed away, it was so weird because I got the call to say that he was in hospital and I needed to get there asap and so I did but I was so scared as didn't know what to expect as have been here a few times with Grandad not doing so well in hospital.
I got there and he was sleeping and everyone was there, Grandads Sister, my Nan, my Auntie & Uncle and 3 Cousins, 2 of them had their girlfriend there and the other had their fiancee with her and then my other Aunt & Cousin was there as well so it was a room full. My dad and his wife were on their way back from Sweden that evening and my brother and sister were unable to get up to the hospital to see him.
Doctors were in and out all day and it was strange because Grandad had woke up, he was talking telling us about his dream he just had about him dying and we were all there with him, he had a laugh and a joke and even does what he does best, farting away! That was until he asked to use a commode to go to the toilet and that's when he changed, he just slept everyone other than my Nan, me one of my cousins and Grandad's sister left to get some fresh air and sort some bits out. Grandad's Sister tried talking to him but he was mumbling and couldn't understand him but I could just work out what he was saying.
It came to about 6pm that evening and everyone went home, but I wanted to stay a little while longer and my friend said she would come and get me when I am ready. So we sat in silence, I sat next to him holding his hand and stroking it and looking at him and now looking back I wish I said more to him whilst he was sleeping. As I was leaving I let one of his nurses know that I was leaving and everyone else had gone, and I watched him close his blinds and then he shut the door and walked off.

Next morning was a massive shock as I woke up that morning with my mum calling me saying Grandad had died, I was like what no one has said anything to me and with that I got off the phone to my mum and rung my dad and he then told me on the phone that morning that he had died and that was it my heart broke into millions of pieces and I broke down.. After he got off the phone with me he rung my sister and my brother and they were calling and texting me to see how I was because I have always been close with my grandparents and saw them when I could. I was not happy because everyone else knew before me as my dad didn't want to ring me when it happened even though my Aunt & Uncle knew to ring me! Wish I had known at the time not through my mum because another family member was told before me.

On Grandad's Birthday it was arranged for us to go and see Grandad in the Funeral Home. I wasn't sure about going all day I was debating with myself about whether I should go through this especially with my Mental Health the way it is, I wondered if it would taint my memories of Grandad seeing him etc. I just assumed it was me and my Dad but it wasn't till I got there that my Nan, Grandad's Sister, Dad, Auntie & Uncle And 1 of my Cousins would be there.
I managed to go through I was really scared, but we were all together we didn't go in 1 by 1 which was handy because we weren't alone. My Nan struggled and So did his Sister. I was scared to go near the coffin :( I just looked at him and he looked so peaceful which is something I have never seen in him before.. And I just stood there crying and we looked at the pictures that they printed off of us all that he had in his hand and in the other one they had a packet of XXX mints as he ate them constantly. He had his favourite cardigan on etc. They also added birthday cards, Christmas Cards that they never got to give him. I made a joke about using up all the tissues and I some how managed to do that and I was so embarrassed but it kinda helped the atmosphere a little..
All I could think of standing there was pushing him to wake him up :(

The weeks leading up to his funeral were difficult. I had asked to say something at the funeral as did one of my Cousins and my Auntie wanted to say something too.
I sat here and worked out all the right things to say or what I could say and tried to remember all the things that we talked about and things he never let me live down. So I sat here and typed up what I wanted to say and I had it printed. I didn't really read it properly I just wrote it and asked my friends dad to print it out for me.
We all met at Nan's before the funeral because of working out who was going in what car and who with. There was at least 4 cars that followed the Hearse to the Church. I was so nervous before the service and as soon as I saw the Hearse's reflection in one of the windows of the mobile homes I broke down :(
My brother offered to help old the coffin along with my Cousin's Fiance he offered to do it as well. So proud of my brother for being brave to say he would help.
I some how managed to read what I wanted to say. But when I showed them my writing they said that they didn't realise how much I had written, turned out I read my Eulogy out really fast so they couldn't quite understand me! But I did it I cried after I read it though!
Once the Church service was over we had to meet the Funeral Car out the front so they could take that to the Graveyard. As Nan lent over to touch the coffin a beautiful butterfly flew over as she did it and I have never forgot about that either.
We walked round to the graveyard where he was placed ready to be buried and we stood around and listened to the rest of the service and as it ended all our family members took some mud and threw it on the coffin.. I was so embarrassed as I wore my wedges as they was smarter than wearing my Lee Cooper canvas shoes and I almost fell in because my shoe got stuck! I was so scared at that second because I thought he would have either ended up with me or my shoe.. Shame the ground wasn't so soft but it had been raining a few days before hand.
After the funeral we went back to my Nan's where we had some food and celebrated his life! I had a few drinks and stayed outside for most of it as I wasn't sure about the space and I had been smoking with one of my Cousin's he offered me some fags after the service.

I will always love and miss you Grandad <3 p="">

Thursday, June 21

Oops... I Did It Again...

I cannot believe that I have forgot about my blog, it wasn't intentional but it was because from where I did not have any proper internet for so long. I was able to piggyback of my neighbours wifi but they upgraded their internet and meant that it couldn't be accessed which was a shame.

Not much, but a lot has changed in the last 4 years since I last wrote to my blog, my mental health is still the same except my diagnosis is the same. Although it has changed, well the name anyway. It is now known as EUPD - Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. I do not like the new name change, NO ONE wants to refer themselves as 'Unstable'!

In 2013 I posted that my sister made me an Auntie for the first time, but since then she has blessed me with 2 other Nephews called George and Harry. I love being an Auntie and it's the best thing in the world and I am so glad I have 3 lil men to love and play with and look after. George is 3 and Harry is now 8 months old.

My medication has changed over the last few years. I last noted that in 2009 i was currently on Sertraline, which I am no longer taking. But I am now taking Quetiapine and Mirtazapine. I have been on Quetiapine for at least 3 maybe 4 years and Mirtazapine a year or more longer. Before they decided to put me on to Quetiapine I was taking Amitripiline!

I have been flicking through my blog this evening as I was trying to work out whether I made a note of my medication which I unfortunately had not, but I realised what I had written and when. I never usually re-read anything I have written but I am glad to see that my posts are reaching many people, and I do hope that with my original plan was to help people has worked. I am going to be sharing some information about EUPD and BPD over time now that I have internet.

I also moved out and got my own place which is still all new to me and I am still trying to get used to it, I love having my own space, I just wish that people would make a little more effort to come and see me. My Mum and Sister and Brother are the only people who really come round to see me, shame really, but you can't force people to come round.

My plan is now that I have proper internet that I am going to start keeping my blog up to date, it's a shame I didn't keep it for the last 4 years but not having internet was the main issue.

Wednesday, December 31

The Mental Health System SUCKS...

On the 16th December, I had a call from this lady I see from MIND called Jo, stating that she had finally got hold of my CPN at Bedale and she would explain to me when I saw her the following Monday what was said and has been done.
Jo had told me that my CPN is getting an appointment to me in the post, which I thought was brilliant as I knew I would've got it by Christmas, as I knew that the last 2nd class posting date was 18th and 1st class was the 19th.
Well.. Today is the 30th December and nothing has come in the post yet, I did receive some new iPhone charging leads that I ordered on Sunday (28th) how can something that I ordered a week later come quicker than my appointment!? Something doesn't add up, and I really do have a feeling that my CPN is doing all that she can to get rid of me.

In August I was set up to see the lady I see from MIND and I have told her over and over that I feel that my CPN just wasn't interested in helping me, and all she wanted to do was to palm me off on to someone else. Jo isn't trained to be a CPN or Pychologist/psychaitrist etc. she is a bit like a social worker, maybe? I am not 100% sure, all I know is that Jo works for MIND.

When I last spoke to my GP regarding my medication, that I spoke to my CPN, Val about my medication because the medication I am currently on doesn't work, and I have tried 5 different sets of anti depressants over the last 7/8 years or so and I think she felt that me seeing if I could talk to my CPN to perhaps talk to the psychatrist who gave me my Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis, to find out what medication would be best suited for me because of the fact that all the different ones I had been taking do not work.
Firstly she said she will pass my information over to the psychatrist, I then finally got another appointment with my CPN after weeks of calling and leaving messages getting no response, then having to get my doctors to ring my CPN that I had finally got to see her, when I asked about my medication, she then informed me that the psychatrist was then off sick but she could pass my information to another qualified person to see what they can do, and I never heard anymore from my CPN from that point, and then she never gave me a follow up appointment.

I have been having a few melt downs over the last few months, one got really bad whilst I was travelling to my aunt and uncles on the bus as I didn't know if I was still getting picked up or not, and instead of asking, I decided to take myself there. I had a panic attack after panic attacks it was a horrible experience for me.. First the bus is too busy to sit downstairs, I decided to go upstairs (and almost falling down them because having short legs) as soon as I tried getting off the bus people were coming down the stairs the same time I was, then there was loads of people crowding around the bus so I struggled to get through the crowd to get off and move =( then 2 buses came to go to my aunts, decided to get the 2nd because there was too many people trying to get on the 1st.. But then all of a sudden they started following me, and started to crowd around me again, lost my balance and fell over ='( only person who was interested in helping and making sure I was ok was the ticket inspector.. As soon as I got on I forgot where I was going, then when paid I went to walk away and there was a woman crowding round me again trying to scan her pass, she was told to get straight on it was just one thing after another!! I don't know how I did it, but I managed to keep my cool, but it wasn't till I got off the bus and started walking up to my aunts I burst into tears.. Had to hold back for a few mins so that I could calm down and didn't want anyone to see me crying as didn't want the attention..

Been struggling to continue taking my medication.. I am getting to the point where I can't be bothered anymore!!
Let's hope if the post does bring me a letter tomorrow (31st December) with an appointment, I could do with it.. If I don't get anywhere then I am going to have to find a way of making a complaint. Fed up with having been let down by the mental health system! 

Wednesday, December 24

T'was The Night Before Christmas...

I can't believe that it is the 24th December 2014!!
Where has this year gone!?

I have mixed feeling's this year though, I am looking forward to seeing my sister, brother-in-law and nephew for tea and for them to open their pressies and to open ours from them.
But, I do feel sad due to the amount of stories on Facebook with picture's and status' about their children opening letter's from Santa, leaving out milk and cookies or mince pies and also some food for the reindeer it does upset me a little bit because I should be doing all of this myself keeping the magic and the spirit of Christmas alive.. I do make a big thing about Santa when it comes to the little ones and my nephew being one of them as he's learning a little more about it this year which is good :)

Although there are people missing from our life, in our hearts and mind is where they'll stay.

Gotta find my Christmas Spirit in me ready for tomorrow evening when I have tea at my sister's
Wish me luck

Wishing All Of You Out There A Very Merry Christmas And A Happy New Year
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Sunday, December 21

It's Almost Christmas....

I am kinda looking forward to Christmas.... YES I Just said that :/

For the first time in many years, I have hated Christmas, just not been very interested in it and never knew why, I did mentally block a lot of my past out of my mind, so I think it might have been down to loosing my Nan early 1996, growing up and then within the last 5 years, my parent's splitting up!

I think that the magic of Christmas just shriveled up and died in me.. My sister on the other hand, she loves Christmas and everything about it.. She's always been like it, even before she had my nephew..
Only thing I loved about Christmas was Christmas music and movies.

My Favourite Christmas Movie:
Muppet's Christmas Carol
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

My Favourite Christmas Song:
Fairytale Of New York

When I was a kid, we would get out all the old Christmas video's we had, the Disney ones and sing a long songs.. And that's all I remember about Christmas when I was a kid.
There are some 'family videos' around where my parents used to record us opening gifts and playing with them but I can look at them now and I wouldn't even remember anything I got :( it is a little sad that I do not remember much, but I blocked out so much and I don't know why.

I am hoping that this year, my attitude towards Christmas will change.. I know that it isn't going to be the same, especially since I know there should be a little one running around and learning about the magic of Christmas, and leaving milk and mince pie for santa and a carrot for the reindeer lol

Hopefully.... One day..... My luck will change!

Sunday, August 31

Meghan Trainor - All About That Bass

I think it might be safe to say that I have found a new song that I am addicted to this year!
Don't know what it is about this year, but there are actually a few good songs in the chart which is a surprise
Personally, I have found that some of the songs in the chart are crap or are just noise, and me being me prefers to listen to songs that were bought out in the 70s or 80's etc.

But this one is brilliant, it is nice that she's sung a song to help make us 'bigger girls' feel a little more better about ourselves! I know it does me :)

Tuesday, August 12

Rest In Peace Robin Williams 1951-2014

R.I.P Robin Williams
21st July 1951 to 11th August 2014

Now, this is something that I have found to be very distressing, something that I know I can relate to in some small way. He may well have been famous, we obviously didn't meet, but depression is something that I know a lot about what with suffering with it for most of my life.

I have to say, that it goes to show that no matter how famous, talented rich etc. people always fight battles that we don't even know about. I believe that no one knew that Robin was suffering with depression, and fought his demons daily, especially with him being a comedian and an actor. He really is a brave brave man for continuing living his life regardless of how he felt on a daily basis. But, it is a shame that it took his own life. I really hope that he is now at peace and is free from his demons.

With all of this in mind, I hope that people will remember him for the comedian and actor he was, funny and all the brilliant films he has starred in for example:
The Voice Of Batty In Fern Gully
The Genie In Aladdin
Mrs Doubtfire
Good Will Hunting
And many more to mention.

I've picked up these images off facebook to share with you all.

I was browsing Google for some more quotes of his to add to this post, but I found something extraordinary.. I had no idea that Robin Williams & Christopher Reeve was friends. I remember learning of his riding accident which left him Paralyzed, but I had no idea of what involvement Robin had with the charity.
"But in the wake of Reeve's crippling 1995 riding accident, Williams vowed to pick up whatever hospital costs Reeve's insurance didn't cover."
Click here for more information that was left about their friendship!

Saturday, August 9

Balloons Are Funny...

I love this picture so much, it makes you think how weird things are!!
I never thought of it like this till I saw this image haha

Me And My Broken Heart...

Rixton - Me And My Broken Heart

This is a current song that is in the chart that I am addicted too!!

Magic - Rude

Magic - Rude.

This song is currently stuck in my head and it is driving me mad!!
Such an awesome song, I could listen to this all day every day.. It is quite strange for me to like something in our current Top 40 UK!
I am a massive 80's music fan, and most of the stuff that is currently being released is crap compared to what music was like back then - and I am only 27!!!
Have to admit, that most of the 80's songs that were written didn't contain any swear words, or wasn't about Sex, Drugs etc. 

Tuesday, July 29

Rest In Peace Rik Mayall 1958 to 2014

R.I.P Rik Mayall 7 March 1958 – 9 June 2014

Now this, this is something that I still cannot get my head around...
How can this amazing funny man be ..... dead??

I loved the Young Ones, Bottom, Guest House Paradiso and not forgetting Drop Dead Fred!

I got chocked up when I read Ade Edmondson's tribute about Rik,
"There were times when Rik and I were writing together when we almost died laughing. They were some of the most carefree stupid days I ever had, and I feel privileged to have shared them with him. And now he's died for real. Without me. Selfish b------."

Or the picture that has been circulating facebook:

I think it might be safe to say, that this is something that will not sink in, not now, not ever!!!

Rest In Peace Harold Ramis 1944 to 2014

R.I.P Harold Ramis November 21st 1944 to February 24th 2014

I loved Harold, and it is such a big shame that he is now gone, especially within the last couple of years it was a possibility of having a Ghostbusters 3 which I would now assume is no longer a possibility.
If they did decide to do it without Egon, then they want a smack in the face, just saying.

It's quite strange, because at the moment I am watching films, and I am seeing him in things that I love and watch constantly, so he in all fairness hasn't left, which is good...

Incase you was wondering, I believe the last thing he appeared in was Knocked Up with Katherine Heigl and Seth Rogen in 2007