Unfortunately things haven't started to improve for me yet and it is starting to get more stressful and frustrating. Although it's not on purpose it is an accident but it doesn't stop me feeling the way I do and it's not fair on my family more than anything because I am just constantly letting people down left, right and center.
The issue I am having is I have always had problems with sleeping so it is hard to work out what is going wrong or why etc.
Earlier on I realized that I have started clock watching, on the door to my kitchen there was hooks up that was left by the woman who lived here before me and I was gifted a Nightmare Before Christmas clock for Christmas that I automatically put on the door so I could see it. But, since the changes with my medication I have been looking at the clock more trying to work out how much sleep I should get and what time would be a reasonable time to get up etc. That in turn has messed my anxiety up and I am stressing about sleeping and waking up at a reasonable time and its frustrating as well. So today I decided to move the clock to a different part of the room and replaced it with a canvas that my mum brought me for my birthday with a picture of me and my 3 nephews.
Hopefully now with seeing my nephews instead of my clock I should be able to stop stressing worrying and getting frustrated with myself when I cannot sleep.
I do need to sort out getting in to see my doctor before Christmas so I can start sorting this mess out. I also need to speak to the lady that I see now called Michelle, she was meant to ring me Wednesday but she didn't and I was meant to ring her back but with the issues I am having it accidentally slipped my mind and I was more pissed off with myself.
Apart of me is now wondering IF the Mirtazapine that I was originally taking was working not fully to the point it helped with my moods and I was still not sleeping properly. But at least with them as well I was eventually able to switch off but now I cannot do that.
The test is tonight to see if having the clock moved and having the canvas up helps change the way I get some sleep but I am still wondering if it's the changes in the medication that is still messing with my body. But trying to talk to someone about it is starting to drive me insane because no one seems to understand or want to listen or help.
On top of the medication issues I am still struggling with my feelings and everything and it doesn't help that it is almost Christmas. I struggle with it every year and this year I am more stressed and worried about it than I usually am. This year things are going to be different as I will not be seeing my sister on Christmas Day which is fine I totally understand what she is saying because every year since we've been going round there she's stressed because she has her mother in law for lunch and she has to cook and clean for then and when she goes she's gotta tidy up more so that my mum and I can go round for tea and she gets stressed and so this year she decided they wanted to do christmas just the 5 of them which is cool as it means she's not under too much pressure and she can enjoy it more with the kids.
We've got like almost 2 weeks left and all I have brought for is my nephews and my new goddaughter. I have so much left to do and sort out in time and it's really getting to me.
I am also still struggling with the death of my Granddad. It be 2 years in around 3 weeks time that he passed away and I still haven't accepted it. I went to see him in the funeral home and it was scary as it was something I had never done before. Then the funeral was hard and I even gave a little eulogy sharing some of the memories that he has shared with me over the years. Also, I had a tattoo done in his memory and I have a picture of him up on the shelf and I still haven't gone to his grave. I haven't done it because I don't want it to feel or be real but I think I am going to have to accept it sooner rather than later because this isn't going to get any easier and I think its time I did something about it. I am terrified of how I am going to feel and how I will react. I also don't want to come out of my bubble I don't think I am ready to accept this but I think it might be time that I did that, it may help me in the long run I don't know but apart of me feels like I cant carry on pretending everything is "ok".
I have so much I need to confront and sort out but it is finding the "right time" if there ever is a right time. Especially since there is 24 days left of 2019 and I am going to enter 2020 the same way I have every year. I think I need to actually make a new year resolution this year and try and stick to it because I think it is going to have to be that I find myself and make myself better or try too. I cannot continue like this. I am 32 years old now I am still terrified of the thought of having a baby because of what I went through. I want a family I want so much for myself and I am not going to get it like this. I hate the way my life has panned out. I honestly thought that I would have a family and a nice home and a good job etc. but instead I live in a building with 27 other flats full of people I do not know or speak too.
This is one of the worst things I do to myself and thats compare my life to everyone elses and I need to stop because it's not helping me move on or make myself better. I guess I just want what everyone else has..?
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Saturday, December 7
Monday, February 21
Its time to give in..
And get my butt to the doctors..
I need to sort out my problem.. as i am confused as to whats going on and why nothings happened..
And i need to sort out my meds/help!
I stopped taking the meds during december, not on purpose! i was ill with flu and i couldnt go docs because they wont let you in with a flu because of stupid swine flu.. and i couldnt get a repeat prescription because i needed the check up.. and then i stopped attending the bedale center again because something happened and it put me back to the start again where i was afraid to go out and be alone etc.
So i am hoping that can be easily sorted..
Although i have to admit i am worried about the outcome of all that though, because what i am scared of more than anything is death... which i have to admit sounds weird coming from someone who used self harm! but its the truth.. i am scared out of my wits when it comes to it..!
The thought of not seeing the stars, the moon, the seasons and the weather hurts..!
I do not know what to think or make of current events at the moment as nothing seems to ever be easy, and i do not know why..!
I mean, one min things are fine.. well not fine but ok and then within a blink of an eye everythings worse off again!
Maybe, just maybe, i need a bloody holiday... hmm!!!
Still.. one can always hope!!!
I need to sort out my problem.. as i am confused as to whats going on and why nothings happened..
And i need to sort out my meds/help!
I stopped taking the meds during december, not on purpose! i was ill with flu and i couldnt go docs because they wont let you in with a flu because of stupid swine flu.. and i couldnt get a repeat prescription because i needed the check up.. and then i stopped attending the bedale center again because something happened and it put me back to the start again where i was afraid to go out and be alone etc.
So i am hoping that can be easily sorted..
Although i have to admit i am worried about the outcome of all that though, because what i am scared of more than anything is death... which i have to admit sounds weird coming from someone who used self harm! but its the truth.. i am scared out of my wits when it comes to it..!
The thought of not seeing the stars, the moon, the seasons and the weather hurts..!
I do not know what to think or make of current events at the moment as nothing seems to ever be easy, and i do not know why..!
I mean, one min things are fine.. well not fine but ok and then within a blink of an eye everythings worse off again!
Maybe, just maybe, i need a bloody holiday... hmm!!!
Still.. one can always hope!!!
Wednesday, May 5
My Hearts Just Not In It...
Lately i have just given up with writing blogs because
- no one reads them
- it causes problems (somehow)
- since someone reads my blog like a book all the time, i find it hard to express myself...
I had tried to keep a diary, that lasted all of a month or two... but that wasnt good enough, for some reason i just felt that writing about it online would be good for me, and other people too (i meant for people who are like me not ones who like to stalk people) but it never happened..
I had a website up, and i got 1 person contact me from that, because she was the same as me, with the Borderline Personality Disorders and Depression & Anxiety etc.
Still.. i just wish that i could write what i think and what i feel without someone reading it and using it against me and using it to spy on me - because that is what she is doing basically... got nothing better to do etc.
argh she makes me angry just thinking about what she does! idiot
Anyway, this week is the anniversary of my dog, Tammy...
This is Tammy...
We got her when i was just 2 and my sister was not 1 yet (i think)
...but we had to give her to our grandparents because we were too scared of her - at first!
She lived with my nan & grandad for the rest of her life, but we still loved her even though she wasnt ours (in the end)
She was kind and loving, when i used to go to my grandparents she would follow me around, and sit with me all the time..
at night she would sleep on the floor in my bedroom it was almost like she was watching over me making sure i wasnt going to get hurt etc. but i loved it, she did the same when my grandparents moved from their place in Felpham to a mobile home in Aldingbourne.. again she would sleep in the bedroom with me, except she was able to get on the bed at their new place because the bed was lower down.
i used to be able to tuck her up in bed under the duvet with me, i loved it as much as she did, i think?
one thing that always made me chuckle with her was she would never ever go outside when it was raining, regardless if she needed a wee, or not! she didnt like getting her 'fanny' wet! lol
- when i used to go over for Sunday Roast, my aunt and uncle would be there with the kids too.. my cousin Jodie, is autistic and doesnt speak etc. she could tread on Tammy's paw or tail and she wouldnt yelp to let you know she was there - but she did however let YOU know if you trod on her!!
....its like she knew, like the 6th sense!?
I saw her few days before she was put down, i had gone over as it was nans birthday on the 4th May - and was told then the weekend before that she had 'lumps' on her face that was getting checked out after weekend... but when they were checked it came back as - cancer - and there was nothing anyone could do for her so they had to put her to sleep... it was awful! the thought of loosing her was horrendous - although personally i felt that something had happened to her years before when the family split up after a huge row..
i wish i had got to say goodbye - properly i mean she was there for me in some ways... but instead all i did was cry, i cried from the moment i was told she had gone, and few days after that!
I was afraid to go to my nan and grandads because she wouldnt be there... but eventually i plucked up the courage to go, and i talked to my grandad and he felt that he saw her in the hallway sitting by the radiator where she always used to sit ... and i was astonished and felt 'calm' knowing she was around..
another time after that i was sitting in the lounge setting up the tv to watch a video and i heard what sounded like footsteps in the kitchen on the lino - but it wasnt feet from a human, it was seriously the sound of paw pads on the floor ... i felt scared for a moment, as i couldnt see anything and then i realised that it was her - and that she was there...
Another time, after the incident with my grandad, and the one with the kitchen, my nan had passed me a kids toy, a jack in the box type toy that i used to play with when i was small, it was amazing to see something i had loved playing with so dearly... and then later that evening when i put it away in my cupboard, i had noticed a line of black crimpled hair... i didnt understand where it had come from as it was thicker than human hair, and from my understanding everything was cleaned and hoovered and her things removed when Tammy had passed, but it was just sitting there, on my pillow... i told my nan, but she swore blind the whole place had been cleaned out.... so whether she was there that night and left me something, a remainder? i just dont know.. but its still comforting.. and it is still kind of difficult even to this day,
I still go looking for her and expecting her to run and jump at me when i open their kitchen/front door...!!
I know it sounds like a silly thing to hear/believe - but i have my belief's and i feel that they should be shared and expressed, no matter what.
- no one reads them
- it causes problems (somehow)
- since someone reads my blog like a book all the time, i find it hard to express myself...
I had tried to keep a diary, that lasted all of a month or two... but that wasnt good enough, for some reason i just felt that writing about it online would be good for me, and other people too (i meant for people who are like me not ones who like to stalk people) but it never happened..
I had a website up, and i got 1 person contact me from that, because she was the same as me, with the Borderline Personality Disorders and Depression & Anxiety etc.
Still.. i just wish that i could write what i think and what i feel without someone reading it and using it against me and using it to spy on me - because that is what she is doing basically... got nothing better to do etc.
argh she makes me angry just thinking about what she does! idiot
Anyway, this week is the anniversary of my dog, Tammy...
We got her when i was just 2 and my sister was not 1 yet (i think)
...but we had to give her to our grandparents because we were too scared of her - at first!
She lived with my nan & grandad for the rest of her life, but we still loved her even though she wasnt ours (in the end)
She was kind and loving, when i used to go to my grandparents she would follow me around, and sit with me all the time..
at night she would sleep on the floor in my bedroom it was almost like she was watching over me making sure i wasnt going to get hurt etc. but i loved it, she did the same when my grandparents moved from their place in Felpham to a mobile home in Aldingbourne.. again she would sleep in the bedroom with me, except she was able to get on the bed at their new place because the bed was lower down.
i used to be able to tuck her up in bed under the duvet with me, i loved it as much as she did, i think?
one thing that always made me chuckle with her was she would never ever go outside when it was raining, regardless if she needed a wee, or not! she didnt like getting her 'fanny' wet! lol
- when i used to go over for Sunday Roast, my aunt and uncle would be there with the kids too.. my cousin Jodie, is autistic and doesnt speak etc. she could tread on Tammy's paw or tail and she wouldnt yelp to let you know she was there - but she did however let YOU know if you trod on her!!
....its like she knew, like the 6th sense!?
I saw her few days before she was put down, i had gone over as it was nans birthday on the 4th May - and was told then the weekend before that she had 'lumps' on her face that was getting checked out after weekend... but when they were checked it came back as - cancer - and there was nothing anyone could do for her so they had to put her to sleep... it was awful! the thought of loosing her was horrendous - although personally i felt that something had happened to her years before when the family split up after a huge row..
i wish i had got to say goodbye - properly i mean she was there for me in some ways... but instead all i did was cry, i cried from the moment i was told she had gone, and few days after that!
I was afraid to go to my nan and grandads because she wouldnt be there... but eventually i plucked up the courage to go, and i talked to my grandad and he felt that he saw her in the hallway sitting by the radiator where she always used to sit ... and i was astonished and felt 'calm' knowing she was around..
another time after that i was sitting in the lounge setting up the tv to watch a video and i heard what sounded like footsteps in the kitchen on the lino - but it wasnt feet from a human, it was seriously the sound of paw pads on the floor ... i felt scared for a moment, as i couldnt see anything and then i realised that it was her - and that she was there...
Another time, after the incident with my grandad, and the one with the kitchen, my nan had passed me a kids toy, a jack in the box type toy that i used to play with when i was small, it was amazing to see something i had loved playing with so dearly... and then later that evening when i put it away in my cupboard, i had noticed a line of black crimpled hair... i didnt understand where it had come from as it was thicker than human hair, and from my understanding everything was cleaned and hoovered and her things removed when Tammy had passed, but it was just sitting there, on my pillow... i told my nan, but she swore blind the whole place had been cleaned out.... so whether she was there that night and left me something, a remainder? i just dont know.. but its still comforting.. and it is still kind of difficult even to this day,
I still go looking for her and expecting her to run and jump at me when i open their kitchen/front door...!!
I know it sounds like a silly thing to hear/believe - but i have my belief's and i feel that they should be shared and expressed, no matter what.
Saturday, February 27
never thought i would see the day..
..... that i would have to make an awful decision!!!
On the 12th feburay i found i was pregnant.. but i had a bleed.. so i panicked and was told on the phone by doctor to get in touch with A&E and get down there asap.. so as i couldnt get up there i had to call for an ambulence as i wasnt in the right frame of mind in the end.. i was then told that despite the bleed and still having some pregnancy symptoms it was a good sign... so off home i go knowing i AM pregnant...
come the 15th i had my scan booked, excited and nervous to be having it and heartbroken to learn there is nothing in my uterous.. put it down to a possible miscarriage and sent me off for blood tests, wasnt high enough hormones so more blood tests i have, still not high enough so have another one, still not high enough, have my scan 23rd feb, still nothing on the screen possible ectopic with the baby growing in my ovary.. more blood tests.. chance of having a normal pregnancy due to the hormones rocketing, more blood tests hormones rising slowly... scan again 26th feb.. still nothing on scan, so now its confirmed ectopic...
i was then told that i had two choices .. both of which werent good but i had to choose one....
Injection to kill/stop the cells growing or an operations to remove the cells and be in hospital for 2 days with chances and risks of complications...
so i chose the Injection, i had to terminate the pregnancy, i had no choice.. it was that or death and either way the baby wouldnt grow/survive and i would then be putting myself at risk so i had to do the "right" thing.....
Personally.... the "Termination" hasnt sunk in yet, well not properly.. i keep getting upset now and again in little spurts.. but thats how i am in some respects normally with my BPD.. but yesterday was really hard, and personally i dont know where and how i got the courage to get through all that i have these last 2 weeks..
apart of it feels like i have done all this for nothing, and apart of me is a tiny bit glad i got the chance to be pregnant... (due to being sure i was infertile)
So, now, i am in some ways i have my own special little angel ...
despite what others may think or feel about that.. but i was 8weeks and it was a very tiny baby that was in my belly :(
Now, this leaves me with:
more blood tests Monday & Thursday to make sure the hormone levels are decreasing... if not i have another injection next Friday :(
and this now leaves me.. with no pregnancy and no baby :(
Sunday, December 20
Proof.. Life's Too Short...
I have just a few mins ago found out that Brittany Murphy one of my Favourite Actress's has died.. i am gob smacked.. she was only 32 and online some are saying its a Heart Attack...
She has stared in the films i have watched and love:
Clueless
Don't Say A Word
Just Married
and many more can be found here.
I just cant believe it, i mean it aint just her that has been taken from us this year, if you think about it there was:
its just sad.. she was soo hott and gorgeous and a brilliant actress.. cant believe she aint gonna be staring in anymore films *sigh*
She has stared in the films i have watched and love:
Clueless
Don't Say A Word
Just Married
and many more can be found here.
I just cant believe it, i mean it aint just her that has been taken from us this year, if you think about it there was:
Micheal Jackson
Wendy Richards
Jade Goody
Stephen Gatley
Patrick Swayzee
and few more..!
its just sad.. she was soo hott and gorgeous and a brilliant actress.. cant believe she aint gonna be staring in anymore films *sigh*
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