Don't Like What You See? Then Don't Look

Some people are just so rude..

So what I aint much to look at, do you really think I care? Funny how the ones who call me names aint much themselves.. i guess putting others down makes your crappy existance better to yourself, eh?

Put me down all you like..

I Don't Care Anymore

My Life..

I've been thinking about a great deal of things over the last 9 months or so, not just because of the ectopic i had, but because of other things, well other people instead..
I have looked at what i have been through from what i can remember from when i was kid, and to be honest there isn't much that i do remember, or recall.. but what people have said, i can see as if it were on video tape.. other stuff just seems to haunt me..
The last 3 years or so have been a bit mixed up...
2007 - i got with a bloke called Gary - he was bit dippy, and kinda ended up being bit like a maid doing his washing most of the time - which admittedly wasn't much as he wore same pants for days :| cripes!!!
In July time, i started seeing some lad whom i talk to a lot called James, he was lovely bless him! and strangely enough are still friends to this date! :D
Eventually i got back with Oli, he was my first REAL boyfriend, we broke up in 2006 as i was moving back to Bognor and wanted a fresh start blah blah blah...!! lol but eventually i realized i didnt feel the same for him as he did for me, or the feelings that i did have wasn't strong enough, so i let him go! apart of me wishes i hadn't another part thinks its for the best!
Since then, everything seemed to had gone down hill! :(
September 2007 i got a job in Card Factory, and i loved it! it was fun and interesting and new and i ended up getting to be a Supervisor and left in charge on sunday - again something else i loved! Until Christmas came! i was sooo ill over christmas it was horrible! :( - and this is where everything started boiling up again! the store was packed with people buying christmas cards and small gifts etc. and it didnt help when i ended up getting the flu with a bad cough and still having to work! - i did let down alot of people there which i couldn't or didnt mean to do just happened but i couldnt cope and didnt have the heart to admit it or tell anyone! - was awful.. then came along the "suicidal attempt" in march 2008 - not been as bad since (touch wood) but have done it since..
I ended up giving up my job at card factory because of my behaviour, being picked on by staff and an incident with someone causing me problems didnt help! i didnt know what else to do, so i had to give up and let the other people win, i am not really a fighter.. i am more of a giver up person!
Since these incidents i have not worked in 2 years! 2 years!!! its awful.. it really is! but i just cant cope with myself, let alone trying to keep a job - again! i am not the person whom i was and this Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression and Anxiety problems are holding me back - which i cannot stop.. because i know there is something wrong with me and being out and about with these problems and by myself scare me! so i just keep myself to myself and normally keep my problems to my self!.. but i need to " talk " let go of some " release " and feel bit better - although knowing me i wish i hadn't done or said anything, which would then lead me into deleting this post, if need be!
but then again, i dont really know why i post my thoughts and feelings and upset on this blog, when there are people out there whom follow me around the internet, watching me and my every moves - and i dont know why! there is nothing fascinating about me, so i dont know why everyone feels the need to stalk me online! lol idiots...!!!

anyway i think i done enough talking (typing) for one day/night (started last night) and leave it as it is, for now!

Drip Drip Drop Little April Showers...

Nice weather for the ducks they say...

Well i for one LOVE it! i love watching the rain fall down the windows and listening to it when it hits the window ... there is nothing quite relaxing about the rain! =)

...Today i have been thinking loads about ALL the problems thats going on around me, well at least one of them i can sort out which should make things more easier and better for myself.. (hopefully) but then will have to wait and see.
Other thing is what i am going to do about myself... i have pretty much been indoors alot at the moment, due to no moneys *boohoo* was hoping to have had my money on yesterday but nothing,  and nothing again today - talk about unfair! i rung up Monday too.. told me 3 working days, so that would had made it yesterday, but i guess they never bothered to catch up with their "email" meh.. well least i got few things to be sold on Ebay which might make things bit better and help in a small way - hopefully..
Plus the few bits i am selling, i no longer use and just sitting around collecting dust... so least i make little bit monies and also the bits i no longer use are being sent to new and good homes - so thats always a plus plus plus!!
Things really need to change in my life.. but at first i need to desperatly start to get over the Ectopic Pregnancy and try to think positive about it, but it is difficult when i been feeling strange about myself for the last few days, just silly little things.. but it doesnt help i aint really seen my mental health counciler person Kevin! i missed two of his appointments in March first being the Methotrexate injection and the second being i was in pissing hospital.. but unfortantly none of them could be avoided but i should had really rung up 2 weeks ago when i got out of the hospital so i had the appointment ready - but as usual for me i dont think of things like that that far ahead - oops!

What Is Happening To Me..?

This morning i woke up to my "brother" hurling abuse about me and to me over my facebook page... and i still have not got down to the "real" reason.. he keeps saying:

- "your the biggest bitch in the world"

- "your a BULLY"

- "you ruined my life"

and various things along that line... but the one thing that hurt me the most was this:

"You ficked your life up by getting knocked up. Its your fault all this and I'm glad your baby is dead, i don't care! you would had ruined it's life, like you do everyone elses"

..to what did i deserve those cruel words!?

I tell you why i think i got that kind of abuse - i stood up for my mother, he was hurling abuse at her because..

1 - his phone was barred and didnt know why

2 - his ps3 controller wasnt working, so went up stairs to bash it up some more

3 - mum paid HIS phone bill and threatened her because it wasnt HIS fault (yet the sim is in HIS phone.. work that out)

i cant believe that my own flesh and blood, my own brother, would use them cruel words! i have never ever heard anything like it, and i have had abuse thrown at me before now many a times!

It was dreadful.. my brother was there when i got the results of my pregnancy..

my brother was there sitting with me in the ambulence when i had to go to A&E as i was bleeding.. 

my brother was there with me sitting in A&E

my brother was there talking about how cool it would be to be an uncle and how he would like to be called

my brother was there for me that day i found out it was ectopic..

my brother was there for me few days later when i come back from the hospital after the emergancy operation

....all these things he had done for me and been there for me which was just amazing to then turn around few days later and say these harmful words...?

I'm deeply hurt, and deeply gobsmacked

=(

^This Is Me, Dan & Becci (92/93)^

^ this is me with dan (04/05) ^

^ this is most recent pic of dan and me (08/09?) ^

...we looked so happy.... what on earth happened to my brother....?

Dear Ohh Dear Ohh Dear...

Things are still on the downer for me at the moment,
after realising alot of stuff (posted in blogs before) i had put myself in an awkward place and position! and again i find myself trying to undo it sometimes..
I am not self harming, good thing? (who knows) - however i have become and gained some what violent thoughts and feelings about myself more than others! i mean, yeah, i wanna hit someone/something but its struggling to keep it under covers and keeping it together - thats the hard and worst thing! *sigh*

...really i need to get back to the doctors and tell them, but they will give me more tablets and again i will take them for a couple of weeks and stop again as for some reason i get frustrated with them in knowing that it will take some time to work but i dont want to wait forever! and i think thats why i keep giving up again! *sniff*

I have some interview thing with the Job Centre for my Benefits on Thursday, i think i might just get up bit earlier and ring the doctors and make appointments to see someone, i have Kevin on the 5th Feb now, as i cancelled on the 12th Jan due to having a coldy thing!!
I really need to get my act together, need to sort myself out. but it is very hard when i have no one to reach out to for help (other than my mum, but she is a working lady at the mo)

Fingers crossed for me to actually sort myself out again this time eh!?

Reality Check..

Today i have realised a few things about myself, a few things that are really stupid, others are silly etc.


I left  my job, the only job i 'loved' and 'enjoyed' all because of my depression, and i felt that i was being singled out because the staff i was working with ended up not liking me, and then thats when and where the problems started.

I worked my last day on the 13th July 2008 and i unfortunatly have not put myself back into the situation of having a job again, for the fear of being rejected, singled out, and ending up with more problems worse or similar to what i went through with Card Factory.

I learnt everything pretty quick, and with the supervisory experience i had working at McColls before hand (twice) they gave me the supervisor job on a sunday within a week of being in Card Factory, i dont think it was the sudden responsibility that changed me, or well maybe a little.. but then bit more of it would had been the christmas part of the job, i had no idea that the shop would be jam packed, busy and very cramped. so i kinda backed out a little and i became ill, with a stupid cold/cough that left me with loosing my voice etc. but then thats when the trouble started properly, i did my best and gave what i could but unfortunatly that wasnt good enough, and a few months later i started getting told
"people arent happy with how you work"
..i couldnt help that i had problems, and i wasnt the only person who used a mobile whilst i worked - in fact half the staff (mainly the younger ones) kept their mobile on them texted behind the tills etc. and because i was already in trouble with my depression - they singled me out! - stupid really.. and if i had been strong enough i would had stood up for myself instead of letting them get to me, and kinda ruin me!
but unfortnatly i stupidly gave in and told them i was going to hand in my notice!

i unfortunatly have let this ruin me and i now have problems with wanting to work for the fear of going through it again!

is it worth it?

Relationships ...

are they worth it!?
personally i dont know, sometimes i know and feel and think yes, sometimes i not so sure.

i mean what exactly are the good things about having a boyfriend, and the bad points!?

I have a list of good and bad points that i have made from personal experiences over the last few years, but each person in some respects are different, whereas some are worse than others!

My Good Points:

• Hugs & Kisses
• Made Feel Special
• Dates
• Sex (sometimes can be a good thing)

Bad Points:

• Ex's can cause you problems
• Mixed feelings
• Sometimes can change when least expect it
• Cheating (which can become an issue)

Sometimes what makes it harder is the person you are and how you take and react to things, i for one take things to heart and badly and react differently to any normal person.
I hide away, run away and various other things. i for one cannot really stand up for myself.
I WILL however, say stuff over text or the internet that i wouldnt say in person because i am in some ways scared of conflict and well i try not to cause it so often, but there is always one person, just one person out there who wants to ruin something! and unfortunatly it always happens even to the best of people, and unfortunatly it cannot be stopped or changed.

Still.. after everything some people can come out stronger, better where as others will not come out of it 'sunny side up'

just ... what will happen to me, will it be worth it in the end, or will it end up in disaster like everything else in my life!?