Today has been a somewhat strange day.. I had a medical for my benefits this morning and I hadn't been looking forward it, if anything I have been extremely nervous and worried about the situation. I think it was because I didn't actually know if the person coming out to me was male or female and I also had to do the whole meeting by myself as I couldn't get anyone to come to me and sit with me to support me. I did ask Michelle the lady I see in town but she couldn't come to me which was very disappointing as I couldn't ask anyone else to be here for me as my sister was in bed catching up from the night shift and my mum was at hers looking after her youngest before getting her up in time to pick the kids up from school. I clearly have no friends at the moment so I didn't bother talking to anyone about it or mentioning it.
But I'll get into that in a different post no doubt.
Anyway, I was tired last night so I decided to get into bed around midnight but I couldn't actually settle because I was getting stressed about today. I was so stressed and anxious that my heart literally felt like it was going to beat out of my chest and I started to have a panic attack. It was just awful. Luckily a few months ago my new doctor gave me some new tablets called Propranolol to take for the anxiety and panic attacks and it didn't take long for them to kick in which I was quite glad with as it meant I could at least attempt to get some sleep. I was awake till gone 2am in end and I just couldn't stay asleep I kept waking up every hour thinking I had been asleep for hours and it was ready to get up - which it clearly wasn't lol I managed to keep falling back to sleep again. But I couldn't stay asleep so I ended up just getting up around 9am this morning and then I changed my bedding as it needed doing but I couldn't be bothered to do it last night. And made sure that I was dressed was meant to do my hair but I forgot which was fine because when my buzzer went it was a female I had a huge sigh of relief but I was still very nervous.
We talked about the mental health issues that I had listed in my claim which was the depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, EUPD. I also mentioned that I have been diagnosed with Insomnia now too! Madness that I've got all these issues wrong with me I forget some times until it all gets listed off. She asked me a lot of questions and I must had given her a lot of information because she did a lot of writing lol which I am guessing is always a good thing, right?
We talked about my issues and struggles and gave her a list of medication that I am currently taking and what I take them for and how much.
Once she asked me about my mental health issues she stopped and said that in my notes it mentions me having a laparoscopic operation. I stopped froze, and just started crying. I apologized for getting upset, and continued to tell her that the operation I had was because I had an Ectopic Pregnancy. She apologized to me as she didn't realise that was what had happened and said she was sorry for my loss. I didn't go into too much detail because I was really upset and in shock and also a little confused. But I did tell her that I do now have problems with my periods. I don't think that the problems with my period is actually from losing my left Fallopian tube because those problems arised when I had my first abnormal smear. I told her that I had a hysteroscopy a few years ago which was to remove some of the lining of my womb to test it and it came back that I have endometrial hyperplasia which is a hormone issue and the lining basically grows to quick and that's why I have heavy and often painful periods. Although the issue comes and goes. I used to be on hormone tablets but at the moment I am not on anything because the problems I have clear up themselves sometimes it can be an issue especially the flooding I often experience but I do have tablets for that that helps and I tend to take them more at night and when I am going out because there is nothing worse than taking a step and needing the toilet almost instantly because worried I've flooded already and not even gone far.
I have to say though the lady who came to see me today was really nice and she helped me feel at ease a little. Especially considering the weirdest thing about the medical was that the doctors last name was the same as mine :) she wasn't English though I didn't ask where she came from or where her parents are from as its a little personal. But my surname is quite rare in a way and it also originates from Turkey apparently but who knows. My dad may do because he has been doing our family tree but hasn't said no more about it.
After she left I had a few more tears because I was just in shock in how she knew about the laparoscopic operation and then found that these doctors have some kind of access to my medical records but the issue with the notes is is that there wasn't any information given really except that my left tube had ruptured. One day I'd like access to those notes but I have read they can refuse you access based on your mental health issues so I don't think I'll ever get to see it.
In the end I composed myself and decided to head over to my sisters to see her and my nephews but as I had mentioned at the start she was in bed catching up on sleep from her night shift last night so it was my mum, youngest nephew till my sister woke up. I talked to mum about the medical I had and then when my sister came down she asked me how it went and I told her what happened too including them asking about the operation that she wanted to talk about. It'll take up to 6 weeks depending on how quick they do the paperwork in my area it could come earlier it just varies so I probably wont find out till March I reckon.
Spending the rest of the day with my mum, sister and my 3 nephews once the older 2 came back from school was just what I needed.. I played with them and got us all into trouble pmsl they've got toy guns with foam bullet things and plastic on the tops my oldest nephew took a bullet and he shot it at me twice so I took it to put it in the one I had and he got upset even though I wasn't actually going to shoot him with it lol so we got told off hehe I love those 3 boys and I will be glad when I am starting to properly feel myself again because I can then start seeing them a lot more again instead of just once a week. I just need to sort myself out and get back in to the doctors to see my doctor. Apart of me just wants to get in and see someone else but then I have the issue of explaining what my other doctor has done and why she's done it and then explaining again what I am there for, at least if I see or speak to my normal doctor I wont need to explain everything as she should in theory remember what she wanted to do with me and do with my medication. Apart of me thinks I need to go back on my Mirtazapine but I am also unsure if that's the right option. I just don't think I am stable enough to come off ALL my medication still especially after the issues I am having with coming off the Mirtazapine and tried the Venlofaxine..
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Friday, January 24
Sunday, December 29
It's Been 2 Years Since You Left...
Today marks 2 years since my grandfather passed away, and today I just feel so numb.
I am feeling different to the way I did last year and the day when he passed away it is weird and just hard to explain.
Yesterday was my Aunt's birthday and that was the day (28.12.17) that I got the call telling me that Grandad is very poorly and they were sure that he was going to go. When I got there he was asleep and he had woke up and was laughing with us joking and farting away like he always does. But after a while he changed and he just went back to sleep again.
I think about that day often, when I got there my Nan, Great Aunt Lilian (Grandads sister) my Aunt and her hubby was there with 3 of my cousins and their boyfriend & girlfriend, my other aunt and cousin and just remember the conversation he had before he just slept. He told us that he had a dream and that he went to heaven and that we were all there with him. My uncle told him jokingly that he was being silly to which my grandad turned around and said "Fuck the lot of you then. I wont take you to Heaven with me" when everyone went home I just wanted to sit with my grandad a little longer and so I did. I just sat there and held his hand looking at him and I didn't say anything.. I just didn't want to leave him but my friend was on her way to pick me up and so I let one of the nurses know I was leaving. He passed away early hours 29.12.17. We think he passed away the moment my dad flew back into the UK as he was in Sweden on holiday. I didn't know anything about it until my mum rang me. My aunt and uncle knew that I wanted to be told if anything happened but my dad decided that he wanted to tell us himself in the morning. I rang him and said whats going on and he went "oh yeah theres something I need to tell you Grandad has gone!" I was so angry because I was meant to be told as soon as there was any changes. Only reason I found out through my mum was because he rang his brother who has had nothing to do with Grandad for years first. Who in turn told Grandads brother and his wife that he had passed away and she took it upon herself to message my mum :(
I remember it all and I remember when I went to see my Grandad in the funeral home on what would've been his 79th birthday just over a week later. I talked to a couple of people about going and they was worried about me doing it because of the state I was in with my mental health already and they was worried it would affect any of my memories and despite what I saw I have to admit that it never tainted of my memories. It gave me a new one, but not ruined any of the other ones I have growing up..
If I could change one thing, well some things I would go back and change that I didn't just sit in silence and that I talked to him more once everyone had left and I wish that I could change it so that he never got poorly and he was still here...
I am feeling different to the way I did last year and the day when he passed away it is weird and just hard to explain.
Yesterday was my Aunt's birthday and that was the day (28.12.17) that I got the call telling me that Grandad is very poorly and they were sure that he was going to go. When I got there he was asleep and he had woke up and was laughing with us joking and farting away like he always does. But after a while he changed and he just went back to sleep again.
I think about that day often, when I got there my Nan, Great Aunt Lilian (Grandads sister) my Aunt and her hubby was there with 3 of my cousins and their boyfriend & girlfriend, my other aunt and cousin and just remember the conversation he had before he just slept. He told us that he had a dream and that he went to heaven and that we were all there with him. My uncle told him jokingly that he was being silly to which my grandad turned around and said "Fuck the lot of you then. I wont take you to Heaven with me" when everyone went home I just wanted to sit with my grandad a little longer and so I did. I just sat there and held his hand looking at him and I didn't say anything.. I just didn't want to leave him but my friend was on her way to pick me up and so I let one of the nurses know I was leaving. He passed away early hours 29.12.17. We think he passed away the moment my dad flew back into the UK as he was in Sweden on holiday. I didn't know anything about it until my mum rang me. My aunt and uncle knew that I wanted to be told if anything happened but my dad decided that he wanted to tell us himself in the morning. I rang him and said whats going on and he went "oh yeah theres something I need to tell you Grandad has gone!" I was so angry because I was meant to be told as soon as there was any changes. Only reason I found out through my mum was because he rang his brother who has had nothing to do with Grandad for years first. Who in turn told Grandads brother and his wife that he had passed away and she took it upon herself to message my mum :(
I remember it all and I remember when I went to see my Grandad in the funeral home on what would've been his 79th birthday just over a week later. I talked to a couple of people about going and they was worried about me doing it because of the state I was in with my mental health already and they was worried it would affect any of my memories and despite what I saw I have to admit that it never tainted of my memories. It gave me a new one, but not ruined any of the other ones I have growing up..
If I could change one thing, well some things I would go back and change that I didn't just sit in silence and that I talked to him more once everyone had left and I wish that I could change it so that he never got poorly and he was still here...
Saturday, December 28
What A Christmas I Had...
This year Christmas was really hard for me and I don't know why..
Beginning of December my sister had messaged my mum and I and said that her and her hubby had been talking and they decided that they wanted to have Christmas Day to themselves and for us to go round on Boxing Day instead. I was happy to do it that way as I just go with the flow and don't really mind what I do as long as I see my sister her hubby and my 3 nephews then I am happy no matter what I do. So my brother and his fiance asked what we were doing this year and they had invited us both over for Christmas Day and I had been contemplating it for a few weeks and couldn't work out what I wanted to do for the best. I wanted to spend Christmas Day with my brother as it had been a long time since we spent time together but I knew that I wouldn't be able to afford the taxi fair as it was double time and it already costs £20 to go to Littlehampton in a cab as my mum had done it in the past. So that kind of put me off. But I also knew that I haven't been feeling 100% still I am getting there but still not fully there. And I didn't want to have a few issues during the day and ruin it for everyone including my mum. So I was adamant that I wanted to stay at home this year and had been saying that's what I wanted until the weekend before Christmas when I got a text from my best friend asking me what my plans were and that she the hubby and kids would be happy if I joined them. So I started contemplating that. I knew that at least IF I couldn't continue and I had had enough I had the choice of when I wanted to go home. And it would mean that my mum wouldn't have to leave early because of me and she deserved this she deserved a good Christmas and a good Christmas Dinner so I told her she should go and I would sort something else out and that I'd catch up with her before we go to my sisters.
Christmas Eve I went to Midnight Mass that I've been doing for the last 3 years and it was a lovely service, different from the years before as well which was interesting. At least they don't stick to the same carols or story line etc. I didn't get back until a little before 1am on Christmas Morning and I was then awake till gone 5am as I couldn't sleep.
I woke up Christmas Day around 10am and I didn't want to get out of bed. I just couldn't stop crying and I don't know why. I eventually managed to get in the shower and even when I got out I started crying again.. I forced myself to get dressed and I got a text from my bestie saying that dinner was almost ready and she was gonna give me time for him to come and get me and I text straight back saying "no, send him now" I had already got my presents ready and bagged up so I just put my shoes on pulled my big girl pants up with my leggings and wiped the tears away and went downstairs to find him already there waiting for me. So I composed myself, took a deep breath and walked out the front door. I checked my complexion in his mirror of the car and wiped my eyes and we chatted a little in the car. When I got there I had a cigarette waiting for me so I took the gifts inside and went back out for the fag. I chatted with her daughters boyfriend who was there with their baby (my Goddaughter) and he asked how I was feeling and I admitted I didn't know what was wrong with me and burst into tears again! He gave me a hug and was so lovely he was reassuring me and said that they all love me and that he's here for me. It's lovely to hear that people do care about me when I feel and think no one really does but that is a BPD trait unfortunately and no matter what I try and do it's not going to change so easily. When we went in they poured me a couple of glasses of bucks fizz - I know they're not very strong but it was a start. I had taken a bottle of Kopperburg Rose with me that I brought back in the summer and has just sat in the fridge (I drank the whole bottle within a couple of hours)
We did a little gift giving and one of the gifts my bestie had made for me made me cry and I got some really nice bits from her and her hubby and her 3 younger kids all saved up their pocket money and brought and chose their own gifts. I was so touched by their gifts and give them all a hug.
After we did out gift giving I went back to her parents house with the rest of her family and we played cards and they all ate bits at the table luckily I was given a mini box with some left over gammon and stuffing so I ate some of that. Her dad saved me some of the stuffing that he makes every year it is just amazing and cannot explain what it tastes like or what is in it because I don't really know.
I was up and down all evening and it was all getting a little bit much for me but we had quite a few breaks whilst playing cards luckily so I had a few fags and I was still drinking. I had taken a bottle of lemonade with me along with some peach schnapps.
When I got home I reflected on the day and I broke down again and got emotional after realizing what I had done and how I coped etc. I ended up staying awake till around 5am Boxing Day!
As I mentioned I fell asleep around 5am on Boxing day morning and I woke up around 10 but I kept snoozing till around 12ish because I was just so tired and exhausted. My mum came to me around 2:30ish in the end and we had a catch up and we talked about how her day went with my brother and his fiance and how mine went with my best friend and then I gave her my gifts and she gave me some money as she didn't know what to get me bless her but I said it was fine because it can go into my savings and go towards something I need. We left mine around 4pm and headed round to my sisters.. We gave the boys our gifts I had a couple of pictures taken with my nephews and I got told off by my youngest for trying to help him take his tickle me Elmo out of its box pmsl they are so funny and they loved their bits.. us adults which was my sister her hubby mum and I had a nice Chinese to eat which was amazing! I tried some satay chicken which was lush and had a bit of what I usually eat which is crispy chilli chicken and grilled lemon chicken along with chicken balls and chips. I felt so fat after eating that and surprised I managed to walk home I was so bloated lol
I have to admit I had a better day Boxing Day. And although I was adamant that I wanted to stay at home by myself I am kinda glad that I didn't. I am still exhausted but that's because I still need to catch up on my sleep lol hopefully I will eventually but I am not worried at the moment.
Beginning of December my sister had messaged my mum and I and said that her and her hubby had been talking and they decided that they wanted to have Christmas Day to themselves and for us to go round on Boxing Day instead. I was happy to do it that way as I just go with the flow and don't really mind what I do as long as I see my sister her hubby and my 3 nephews then I am happy no matter what I do. So my brother and his fiance asked what we were doing this year and they had invited us both over for Christmas Day and I had been contemplating it for a few weeks and couldn't work out what I wanted to do for the best. I wanted to spend Christmas Day with my brother as it had been a long time since we spent time together but I knew that I wouldn't be able to afford the taxi fair as it was double time and it already costs £20 to go to Littlehampton in a cab as my mum had done it in the past. So that kind of put me off. But I also knew that I haven't been feeling 100% still I am getting there but still not fully there. And I didn't want to have a few issues during the day and ruin it for everyone including my mum. So I was adamant that I wanted to stay at home this year and had been saying that's what I wanted until the weekend before Christmas when I got a text from my best friend asking me what my plans were and that she the hubby and kids would be happy if I joined them. So I started contemplating that. I knew that at least IF I couldn't continue and I had had enough I had the choice of when I wanted to go home. And it would mean that my mum wouldn't have to leave early because of me and she deserved this she deserved a good Christmas and a good Christmas Dinner so I told her she should go and I would sort something else out and that I'd catch up with her before we go to my sisters.
Christmas Eve I went to Midnight Mass that I've been doing for the last 3 years and it was a lovely service, different from the years before as well which was interesting. At least they don't stick to the same carols or story line etc. I didn't get back until a little before 1am on Christmas Morning and I was then awake till gone 5am as I couldn't sleep.
I woke up Christmas Day around 10am and I didn't want to get out of bed. I just couldn't stop crying and I don't know why. I eventually managed to get in the shower and even when I got out I started crying again.. I forced myself to get dressed and I got a text from my bestie saying that dinner was almost ready and she was gonna give me time for him to come and get me and I text straight back saying "no, send him now" I had already got my presents ready and bagged up so I just put my shoes on pulled my big girl pants up with my leggings and wiped the tears away and went downstairs to find him already there waiting for me. So I composed myself, took a deep breath and walked out the front door. I checked my complexion in his mirror of the car and wiped my eyes and we chatted a little in the car. When I got there I had a cigarette waiting for me so I took the gifts inside and went back out for the fag. I chatted with her daughters boyfriend who was there with their baby (my Goddaughter) and he asked how I was feeling and I admitted I didn't know what was wrong with me and burst into tears again! He gave me a hug and was so lovely he was reassuring me and said that they all love me and that he's here for me. It's lovely to hear that people do care about me when I feel and think no one really does but that is a BPD trait unfortunately and no matter what I try and do it's not going to change so easily. When we went in they poured me a couple of glasses of bucks fizz - I know they're not very strong but it was a start. I had taken a bottle of Kopperburg Rose with me that I brought back in the summer and has just sat in the fridge (I drank the whole bottle within a couple of hours)
We did a little gift giving and one of the gifts my bestie had made for me made me cry and I got some really nice bits from her and her hubby and her 3 younger kids all saved up their pocket money and brought and chose their own gifts. I was so touched by their gifts and give them all a hug.
After we did out gift giving I went back to her parents house with the rest of her family and we played cards and they all ate bits at the table luckily I was given a mini box with some left over gammon and stuffing so I ate some of that. Her dad saved me some of the stuffing that he makes every year it is just amazing and cannot explain what it tastes like or what is in it because I don't really know.
I was up and down all evening and it was all getting a little bit much for me but we had quite a few breaks whilst playing cards luckily so I had a few fags and I was still drinking. I had taken a bottle of lemonade with me along with some peach schnapps.
When I got home I reflected on the day and I broke down again and got emotional after realizing what I had done and how I coped etc. I ended up staying awake till around 5am Boxing Day!
As I mentioned I fell asleep around 5am on Boxing day morning and I woke up around 10 but I kept snoozing till around 12ish because I was just so tired and exhausted. My mum came to me around 2:30ish in the end and we had a catch up and we talked about how her day went with my brother and his fiance and how mine went with my best friend and then I gave her my gifts and she gave me some money as she didn't know what to get me bless her but I said it was fine because it can go into my savings and go towards something I need. We left mine around 4pm and headed round to my sisters.. We gave the boys our gifts I had a couple of pictures taken with my nephews and I got told off by my youngest for trying to help him take his tickle me Elmo out of its box pmsl they are so funny and they loved their bits.. us adults which was my sister her hubby mum and I had a nice Chinese to eat which was amazing! I tried some satay chicken which was lush and had a bit of what I usually eat which is crispy chilli chicken and grilled lemon chicken along with chicken balls and chips. I felt so fat after eating that and surprised I managed to walk home I was so bloated lol
I have to admit I had a better day Boxing Day. And although I was adamant that I wanted to stay at home by myself I am kinda glad that I didn't. I am still exhausted but that's because I still need to catch up on my sleep lol hopefully I will eventually but I am not worried at the moment.
Sunday, October 14
Why Does This Have To Be Real...?
Today I have been flicking through my hard drive sorting out some videos to put on to my USB stick that goes into my telly and been flicking through all my old pictures that I have taken over the years and put onto my hard drive to make space on my laptop.
I found some old videos that I kept in a separate folder to go through easier and I was nosing to see what I have stored and came across some videos of Jack my eldest nephew at Christmas at our Grandparents house we all got together for a Christmas meal at my grandparents and didn't realise that you could hear my Grandad in the background. There was other voices as well but I just broke down because it's been almost 10 months since my Grandad died and I miss him so much!
To be honest it still hasn't sunk in properly that he is no longer here, I haven't been to his grave since his funeral back in January because I don't want it to be real so I haven't gone :( I want too because then I can speak to him and tell him I'm sorry I haven't been sooner etc.
Never knew I had this and I am so glad that I always take pictures of everything and everyone and videos too! It felt so good to hear his voice but now I miss him even more if that's even possible!?
At least now, when I miss him and want to hear his voice, I can! Will have to share the videos with my family so they too can hear his voice!
I had all this a few years ago when I was given a DVD of my Nan she was interviewed at St Wilfreds Hospice about the roses that was planted in the gardens and it was originally on video but it finally got transferred to DVD and it had been many years since I last heard my nans voice and I remember how upset I was when I heard her voice for the first time...
I found some old videos that I kept in a separate folder to go through easier and I was nosing to see what I have stored and came across some videos of Jack my eldest nephew at Christmas at our Grandparents house we all got together for a Christmas meal at my grandparents and didn't realise that you could hear my Grandad in the background. There was other voices as well but I just broke down because it's been almost 10 months since my Grandad died and I miss him so much!
To be honest it still hasn't sunk in properly that he is no longer here, I haven't been to his grave since his funeral back in January because I don't want it to be real so I haven't gone :( I want too because then I can speak to him and tell him I'm sorry I haven't been sooner etc.
Never knew I had this and I am so glad that I always take pictures of everything and everyone and videos too! It felt so good to hear his voice but now I miss him even more if that's even possible!?
At least now, when I miss him and want to hear his voice, I can! Will have to share the videos with my family so they too can hear his voice!
I had all this a few years ago when I was given a DVD of my Nan she was interviewed at St Wilfreds Hospice about the roses that was planted in the gardens and it was originally on video but it finally got transferred to DVD and it had been many years since I last heard my nans voice and I remember how upset I was when I heard her voice for the first time...
Friday, August 3
It's Hard To Say Goodbye! Especially Twice In A Week...
The events over this last week have caught up with me as I have now started to process everything. It's been hard because I never thought that any of this would happen.. And even if you was expecting it, it still doesn't hurt anymore than it should.
I say this because my friends family have lost 2 cats in a week! This broke my heart into millions of pieces as I am a cat person I always have been, I like dogs but I prefer cats!
23rd/24th July.
I stayed over at my friends house as we were going shopping next day with my mum and sister. And all of a sudden just before midnight there was a knock at the door and one of the dogs called Maisie started barking and my friend just told her off and I said no someone is knocking at the door. Eventually she got up to see what was going on and someone knocked the door saying they have found a black and white cat that looks like has been hit by a car. I was like whats going on and waited for her to come back and then her neighbour came in because they knocked her door first and they wasn't sure if it was their cat or one of my friends. I went out there to see what I could do and was asked to check to see if it was Socks and I looked down and my heart broke because he was laying in the path not moving. My friend rang the vet to ask them to double check it was him as their cats are microchipped. We waited for the vet to let us in and he was leaking fluid which meant that he had gone in her arms before we got him to the vet :( as soon as we went in the lady scanned him with the micro chip checker and as soon as she said "it's Socks" that was it I broke down more and then we had to leave him there because she couldnt take him home at that time because of the dogs and other cats. So they kept him safe for her.
As soon as I got back into the car I went into shock, I wasn't paying attention, I was staring and just sobbing. Because I had just been having cuddles with him that day and I got him in because the dozy cat went out the front when he shouldn't be out there so I called him in through the window..
He was only 8 years old he was still a baby pretty much, and few days after I was still expecting this fat cat to come up to me meowing at me for attention and barely leaving my side!
Can't believe this beautiful cat has gone :(
30th July
Monday was the day that we had to say Goodbye to their gorgeous cat Mischief. He was an old cat, he was 16 and he was a very special cat. About 4-5 years ago he was in a car accident and they were on the way to the vet to have him put down. But the Vet was new and she offered to amputate his leg if they paid for his anesthetic etc. They told my friends family that he would be limited on what he can do etc. one of them was telling them he would never jump a 6ft fence again, but he did! He didn't do much the last few months as he started to go blind.. Because his eyes didn't change with the light. So I used to help him get outside by getting him to smell me and guide him slowly.
He got put to sleep because the day before I noticed that one of his eyes was bleeding and it turned out his eye started to sink into his head :( I left him at 10pm after playing cards with my friend her dad and Gran. I put Mischief up on to a comfy chair next to him so he wasn't alone, eventually he decided he didnt want to stay indoors so he put himself back outside where he always slept all day and night. Later that even I was talking to my friends sister and niece and they said that his eye had got worse within a couple of hours :( I got the message during the day Monday that he was booked in with the vet to be put to sleep.. We all said our goodbyes before they left. I picked him up and cradled him and cried and gave him a kiss. I had to put him in the cat box so they could go.
After about half an hour I got a call from my friend in tears because Mischief just went peacefully and that he had no fight left in him so he knew it was his time to go. She also mentioned the vet that put him to sleep was the same vet who did his operation to amputate his leg. She was also in tears bless her and had to get the help from one of the nurses because she was a mess. She even said that she was going to take a 5min break to gather herself.
I comforted my friends dad as he was heart broken. He didn't realise how much it was gonna hit him about loosing both the cats in a week! So I sat with him and gave him a hug and we had a scotch and lemonade and we sat down and talked about it all. He has sworn he never wants another cat because it hurts too much when they pass and said that he wanted a budgie! I was like really, you don't like things that fly!? With that he said he knew and chuckled. I mentioned it to my friend when she rung me and told her mum and sister and they chuckled as well.
When everyone came back we stood in the garden as a family crying together and supporting each other. I remember the day Mischief and his brother Felix came into their family as kittens, and they both used to love sleeping on me one in my lap and one on my chest. They are beautiful and loving cats. Mischief always used to comfort me when I was feeling low.. And I am gonna miss him so much!!
All this has taken its toll on me and I haven't been able to process it all till now and I am finding it difficult still to this day and it is only Friday!
These beautiful cats are loved and missed <3 p="">
I say this because my friends family have lost 2 cats in a week! This broke my heart into millions of pieces as I am a cat person I always have been, I like dogs but I prefer cats!
23rd/24th July.
I stayed over at my friends house as we were going shopping next day with my mum and sister. And all of a sudden just before midnight there was a knock at the door and one of the dogs called Maisie started barking and my friend just told her off and I said no someone is knocking at the door. Eventually she got up to see what was going on and someone knocked the door saying they have found a black and white cat that looks like has been hit by a car. I was like whats going on and waited for her to come back and then her neighbour came in because they knocked her door first and they wasn't sure if it was their cat or one of my friends. I went out there to see what I could do and was asked to check to see if it was Socks and I looked down and my heart broke because he was laying in the path not moving. My friend rang the vet to ask them to double check it was him as their cats are microchipped. We waited for the vet to let us in and he was leaking fluid which meant that he had gone in her arms before we got him to the vet :( as soon as we went in the lady scanned him with the micro chip checker and as soon as she said "it's Socks" that was it I broke down more and then we had to leave him there because she couldnt take him home at that time because of the dogs and other cats. So they kept him safe for her.
As soon as I got back into the car I went into shock, I wasn't paying attention, I was staring and just sobbing. Because I had just been having cuddles with him that day and I got him in because the dozy cat went out the front when he shouldn't be out there so I called him in through the window..
He was only 8 years old he was still a baby pretty much, and few days after I was still expecting this fat cat to come up to me meowing at me for attention and barely leaving my side!
Can't believe this beautiful cat has gone :(
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| Socks Curled Up Next To Me |
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| Socks Watching Us Play Cards |
30th July
Monday was the day that we had to say Goodbye to their gorgeous cat Mischief. He was an old cat, he was 16 and he was a very special cat. About 4-5 years ago he was in a car accident and they were on the way to the vet to have him put down. But the Vet was new and she offered to amputate his leg if they paid for his anesthetic etc. They told my friends family that he would be limited on what he can do etc. one of them was telling them he would never jump a 6ft fence again, but he did! He didn't do much the last few months as he started to go blind.. Because his eyes didn't change with the light. So I used to help him get outside by getting him to smell me and guide him slowly.
He got put to sleep because the day before I noticed that one of his eyes was bleeding and it turned out his eye started to sink into his head :( I left him at 10pm after playing cards with my friend her dad and Gran. I put Mischief up on to a comfy chair next to him so he wasn't alone, eventually he decided he didnt want to stay indoors so he put himself back outside where he always slept all day and night. Later that even I was talking to my friends sister and niece and they said that his eye had got worse within a couple of hours :( I got the message during the day Monday that he was booked in with the vet to be put to sleep.. We all said our goodbyes before they left. I picked him up and cradled him and cried and gave him a kiss. I had to put him in the cat box so they could go.
After about half an hour I got a call from my friend in tears because Mischief just went peacefully and that he had no fight left in him so he knew it was his time to go. She also mentioned the vet that put him to sleep was the same vet who did his operation to amputate his leg. She was also in tears bless her and had to get the help from one of the nurses because she was a mess. She even said that she was going to take a 5min break to gather herself.
I comforted my friends dad as he was heart broken. He didn't realise how much it was gonna hit him about loosing both the cats in a week! So I sat with him and gave him a hug and we had a scotch and lemonade and we sat down and talked about it all. He has sworn he never wants another cat because it hurts too much when they pass and said that he wanted a budgie! I was like really, you don't like things that fly!? With that he said he knew and chuckled. I mentioned it to my friend when she rung me and told her mum and sister and they chuckled as well.
When everyone came back we stood in the garden as a family crying together and supporting each other. I remember the day Mischief and his brother Felix came into their family as kittens, and they both used to love sleeping on me one in my lap and one on my chest. They are beautiful and loving cats. Mischief always used to comfort me when I was feeling low.. And I am gonna miss him so much!!
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| Mischief Sitting With Me Whilst I Play Cards |
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| Mischief Came To Gave Me Cuddles When I Was Feeling Down |
All this has taken its toll on me and I haven't been able to process it all till now and I am finding it difficult still to this day and it is only Friday!
These beautiful cats are loved and missed <3 p="">
Monday, July 9
R.I.P Grandad 09.01.39 to 29.12.17
I have been wanting to post this for a while but been finding the right words to put or say. I wasn't allowed to put any of this on Facebook because it was private which is understandable and I did let a few people that I am close too on Facebook in messenger. All I did was change my profile picture to a picture of me and Grandad when I was a baby.
My whole life fell apart when my Grandad had passed away, it was so weird because I got the call to say that he was in hospital and I needed to get there asap and so I did but I was so scared as didn't know what to expect as have been here a few times with Grandad not doing so well in hospital.
I got there and he was sleeping and everyone was there, Grandads Sister, my Nan, my Auntie & Uncle and 3 Cousins, 2 of them had their girlfriend there and the other had their fiancee with her and then my other Aunt & Cousin was there as well so it was a room full. My dad and his wife were on their way back from Sweden that evening and my brother and sister were unable to get up to the hospital to see him.
Doctors were in and out all day and it was strange because Grandad had woke up, he was talking telling us about his dream he just had about him dying and we were all there with him, he had a laugh and a joke and even does what he does best, farting away! That was until he asked to use a commode to go to the toilet and that's when he changed, he just slept everyone other than my Nan, me one of my cousins and Grandad's sister left to get some fresh air and sort some bits out. Grandad's Sister tried talking to him but he was mumbling and couldn't understand him but I could just work out what he was saying.
It came to about 6pm that evening and everyone went home, but I wanted to stay a little while longer and my friend said she would come and get me when I am ready. So we sat in silence, I sat next to him holding his hand and stroking it and looking at him and now looking back I wish I said more to him whilst he was sleeping. As I was leaving I let one of his nurses know that I was leaving and everyone else had gone, and I watched him close his blinds and then he shut the door and walked off.
Next morning was a massive shock as I woke up that morning with my mum calling me saying Grandad had died, I was like what no one has said anything to me and with that I got off the phone to my mum and rung my dad and he then told me on the phone that morning that he had died and that was it my heart broke into millions of pieces and I broke down.. After he got off the phone with me he rung my sister and my brother and they were calling and texting me to see how I was because I have always been close with my grandparents and saw them when I could. I was not happy because everyone else knew before me as my dad didn't want to ring me when it happened even though my Aunt & Uncle knew to ring me! Wish I had known at the time not through my mum because another family member was told before me.
On Grandad's Birthday it was arranged for us to go and see Grandad in the Funeral Home. I wasn't sure about going all day I was debating with myself about whether I should go through this especially with my Mental Health the way it is, I wondered if it would taint my memories of Grandad seeing him etc. I just assumed it was me and my Dad but it wasn't till I got there that my Nan, Grandad's Sister, Dad, Auntie & Uncle And 1 of my Cousins would be there.
I managed to go through I was really scared, but we were all together we didn't go in 1 by 1 which was handy because we weren't alone. My Nan struggled and So did his Sister. I was scared to go near the coffin :( I just looked at him and he looked so peaceful which is something I have never seen in him before.. And I just stood there crying and we looked at the pictures that they printed off of us all that he had in his hand and in the other one they had a packet of XXX mints as he ate them constantly. He had his favourite cardigan on etc. They also added birthday cards, Christmas Cards that they never got to give him. I made a joke about using up all the tissues and I some how managed to do that and I was so embarrassed but it kinda helped the atmosphere a little..
All I could think of standing there was pushing him to wake him up :(
The weeks leading up to his funeral were difficult. I had asked to say something at the funeral as did one of my Cousins and my Auntie wanted to say something too.
I sat here and worked out all the right things to say or what I could say and tried to remember all the things that we talked about and things he never let me live down. So I sat here and typed up what I wanted to say and I had it printed. I didn't really read it properly I just wrote it and asked my friends dad to print it out for me.
We all met at Nan's before the funeral because of working out who was going in what car and who with. There was at least 4 cars that followed the Hearse to the Church. I was so nervous before the service and as soon as I saw the Hearse's reflection in one of the windows of the mobile homes I broke down :(
My brother offered to help old the coffin along with my Cousin's Fiance he offered to do it as well. So proud of my brother for being brave to say he would help.
I some how managed to read what I wanted to say. But when I showed them my writing they said that they didn't realise how much I had written, turned out I read my Eulogy out really fast so they couldn't quite understand me! But I did it I cried after I read it though!
Once the Church service was over we had to meet the Funeral Car out the front so they could take that to the Graveyard. As Nan lent over to touch the coffin a beautiful butterfly flew over as she did it and I have never forgot about that either.
We walked round to the graveyard where he was placed ready to be buried and we stood around and listened to the rest of the service and as it ended all our family members took some mud and threw it on the coffin.. I was so embarrassed as I wore my wedges as they was smarter than wearing my Lee Cooper canvas shoes and I almost fell in because my shoe got stuck! I was so scared at that second because I thought he would have either ended up with me or my shoe.. Shame the ground wasn't so soft but it had been raining a few days before hand.
After the funeral we went back to my Nan's where we had some food and celebrated his life! I had a few drinks and stayed outside for most of it as I wasn't sure about the space and I had been smoking with one of my Cousin's he offered me some fags after the service.
I will always love and miss you Grandad <3 p="">
My whole life fell apart when my Grandad had passed away, it was so weird because I got the call to say that he was in hospital and I needed to get there asap and so I did but I was so scared as didn't know what to expect as have been here a few times with Grandad not doing so well in hospital.
I got there and he was sleeping and everyone was there, Grandads Sister, my Nan, my Auntie & Uncle and 3 Cousins, 2 of them had their girlfriend there and the other had their fiancee with her and then my other Aunt & Cousin was there as well so it was a room full. My dad and his wife were on their way back from Sweden that evening and my brother and sister were unable to get up to the hospital to see him.
Doctors were in and out all day and it was strange because Grandad had woke up, he was talking telling us about his dream he just had about him dying and we were all there with him, he had a laugh and a joke and even does what he does best, farting away! That was until he asked to use a commode to go to the toilet and that's when he changed, he just slept everyone other than my Nan, me one of my cousins and Grandad's sister left to get some fresh air and sort some bits out. Grandad's Sister tried talking to him but he was mumbling and couldn't understand him but I could just work out what he was saying.
It came to about 6pm that evening and everyone went home, but I wanted to stay a little while longer and my friend said she would come and get me when I am ready. So we sat in silence, I sat next to him holding his hand and stroking it and looking at him and now looking back I wish I said more to him whilst he was sleeping. As I was leaving I let one of his nurses know that I was leaving and everyone else had gone, and I watched him close his blinds and then he shut the door and walked off.
Next morning was a massive shock as I woke up that morning with my mum calling me saying Grandad had died, I was like what no one has said anything to me and with that I got off the phone to my mum and rung my dad and he then told me on the phone that morning that he had died and that was it my heart broke into millions of pieces and I broke down.. After he got off the phone with me he rung my sister and my brother and they were calling and texting me to see how I was because I have always been close with my grandparents and saw them when I could. I was not happy because everyone else knew before me as my dad didn't want to ring me when it happened even though my Aunt & Uncle knew to ring me! Wish I had known at the time not through my mum because another family member was told before me.
On Grandad's Birthday it was arranged for us to go and see Grandad in the Funeral Home. I wasn't sure about going all day I was debating with myself about whether I should go through this especially with my Mental Health the way it is, I wondered if it would taint my memories of Grandad seeing him etc. I just assumed it was me and my Dad but it wasn't till I got there that my Nan, Grandad's Sister, Dad, Auntie & Uncle And 1 of my Cousins would be there.
I managed to go through I was really scared, but we were all together we didn't go in 1 by 1 which was handy because we weren't alone. My Nan struggled and So did his Sister. I was scared to go near the coffin :( I just looked at him and he looked so peaceful which is something I have never seen in him before.. And I just stood there crying and we looked at the pictures that they printed off of us all that he had in his hand and in the other one they had a packet of XXX mints as he ate them constantly. He had his favourite cardigan on etc. They also added birthday cards, Christmas Cards that they never got to give him. I made a joke about using up all the tissues and I some how managed to do that and I was so embarrassed but it kinda helped the atmosphere a little..
All I could think of standing there was pushing him to wake him up :(
The weeks leading up to his funeral were difficult. I had asked to say something at the funeral as did one of my Cousins and my Auntie wanted to say something too.
I sat here and worked out all the right things to say or what I could say and tried to remember all the things that we talked about and things he never let me live down. So I sat here and typed up what I wanted to say and I had it printed. I didn't really read it properly I just wrote it and asked my friends dad to print it out for me.
We all met at Nan's before the funeral because of working out who was going in what car and who with. There was at least 4 cars that followed the Hearse to the Church. I was so nervous before the service and as soon as I saw the Hearse's reflection in one of the windows of the mobile homes I broke down :(
My brother offered to help old the coffin along with my Cousin's Fiance he offered to do it as well. So proud of my brother for being brave to say he would help.
I some how managed to read what I wanted to say. But when I showed them my writing they said that they didn't realise how much I had written, turned out I read my Eulogy out really fast so they couldn't quite understand me! But I did it I cried after I read it though!
Once the Church service was over we had to meet the Funeral Car out the front so they could take that to the Graveyard. As Nan lent over to touch the coffin a beautiful butterfly flew over as she did it and I have never forgot about that either.
We walked round to the graveyard where he was placed ready to be buried and we stood around and listened to the rest of the service and as it ended all our family members took some mud and threw it on the coffin.. I was so embarrassed as I wore my wedges as they was smarter than wearing my Lee Cooper canvas shoes and I almost fell in because my shoe got stuck! I was so scared at that second because I thought he would have either ended up with me or my shoe.. Shame the ground wasn't so soft but it had been raining a few days before hand.
After the funeral we went back to my Nan's where we had some food and celebrated his life! I had a few drinks and stayed outside for most of it as I wasn't sure about the space and I had been smoking with one of my Cousin's he offered me some fags after the service.
I will always love and miss you Grandad <3 p="">
Wednesday, December 24
T'was The Night Before Christmas...
I can't believe that it is the 24th December 2014!!
Where has this year gone!?
I have mixed feeling's this year though, I am looking forward to seeing my sister, brother-in-law and nephew for tea and for them to open their pressies and to open ours from them.
But, I do feel sad due to the amount of stories on Facebook with picture's and status' about their children opening letter's from Santa, leaving out milk and cookies or mince pies and also some food for the reindeer it does upset me a little bit because I should be doing all of this myself keeping the magic and the spirit of Christmas alive.. I do make a big thing about Santa when it comes to the little ones and my nephew being one of them as he's learning a little more about it this year which is good :)
Although there are people missing from our life, in our hearts and mind is where they'll stay.
Gotta find my Christmas Spirit in me ready for tomorrow evening when I have tea at my sister's
Wish me luck
Wishing All Of You Out There A Very Merry Christmas And A Happy New Year
<3 font="">
Saturday, February 2
One Proud Sister Right About Now...
On the 2nd February 2013, at 13:23 my sister, Becci gave birth to her gorgeous baby boy, Jack. He weighed 7lb 15oz!
He was due on the 27th January, but didn't really want to come out - don't blame him in all honesty the weather here has been pants, what with the rain and the snow and just generally being cold.. I would've avoided it too!!
I am soo happy right about now, and so proud of my sister for being brave and bringing my gorgeous nephew into the world
He was due on the 27th January, but didn't really want to come out - don't blame him in all honesty the weather here has been pants, what with the rain and the snow and just generally being cold.. I would've avoided it too!!
I am soo happy right about now, and so proud of my sister for being brave and bringing my gorgeous nephew into the world
Monday, October 1
What A Lovely Day
Today I finally got to spend some time with my Godson.. I've not seen him or my friend since the beginning of May 2012..
Cannot get over how big he is, same with the girls.. They've grown up so so much over the last few months, but I need to try and see them so much more because they keep forgetting about me and it kinda sucks!!
Spent the best part of today admiring wedding dresses and talking about the wedding next year, been looking at bridesmaid dresses for me - but its hard when I have a weird body shape :/
Looking forward to trying to find something though lol
Going to have an early night tonight I think though, as last night I stayed up till gone 5am and woke up around 9 to let the cat out to find it was raining.. I love the rain :)
Looking forward to seeing my sister this week now, but not looking forward to going to the doctors lol
But then, who does look forward to seeing a doctor :/
Cannot get over how big he is, same with the girls.. They've grown up so so much over the last few months, but I need to try and see them so much more because they keep forgetting about me and it kinda sucks!!
Spent the best part of today admiring wedding dresses and talking about the wedding next year, been looking at bridesmaid dresses for me - but its hard when I have a weird body shape :/
Looking forward to trying to find something though lol
Going to have an early night tonight I think though, as last night I stayed up till gone 5am and woke up around 9 to let the cat out to find it was raining.. I love the rain :)
Looking forward to seeing my sister this week now, but not looking forward to going to the doctors lol
But then, who does look forward to seeing a doctor :/
Thursday, September 13
The Most Amazing News.... EVER!!
So, last week (7th September 2012) I got to find out what my sister is having, and I am happy to say that she is having a boy :)
Which kinda means that the Chinese Gender Chart was correct - because all the different charts I played around with ALL said BOY!!!
I am looking forward to 2013 even more :D
Can't believe I am going to have a Nephew! =')
Thursday, July 19
I Am Going To Be An Aunty..
Today I am HAPPY & PROUD to {FINALLY} announce that my Sister whom is 23 is pregnant with her first baby!!
Today (19th July 2012) she found out she is exactly 12 weeks, baby is perfect and healthy and I get to see pictures when she isn't working.. I am so happy & excited, I get to be an Aunty!!!
My sister is due 27th January 2013 which means that 2013 will start off amazing with my sister having a baby!!
I cannot wait to see the scan's of my Niece/Nephew
*cries*
Today (19th July 2012) she found out she is exactly 12 weeks, baby is perfect and healthy and I get to see pictures when she isn't working.. I am so happy & excited, I get to be an Aunty!!!
My sister is due 27th January 2013 which means that 2013 will start off amazing with my sister having a baby!!
I cannot wait to see the scan's of my Niece/Nephew
*cries*
Tuesday, May 22
Monday 21st May
Yesterday I met my mum in town, so we could do a little shopping for my late birthday present =)
I used some money from my other half to buy myself a nice new dress and a pair of new sunglasses as mine got broken =(
They're well cool, they've got butterflies on =)
I got a new dress, 2 new tops and 2 new pairs of leggings.. ALL in my favorite colour: BLUE!!!
Sooo chuffed with them all, they will all go with each other!
woopwoop
I had a lovely time, the only thing that spoilt it was my trip up the doctors ;)
Because now I am 25 I've had to have my Cervical Screening Test done.. BOOHOO!! It wasn't as bad as I thought especially as I knew what to expect with the speculum as I had one used when I had the ectopic 2 years ago. I didn't know what to expect really from having this done as I've never had it and no one has ever spoke to me about it and no one gave me a proper explination!
If anyone is due to have one, I would advise going.. There is nothing to be afraid of, I know, because I did it.. Didn't think I would, but I did =)
I then went back to a couple of shops and spent a little bit more money, and then we went into the pub in the town called Hatters.. Where we had a drink and a natter, whilst I was coughing to death from my cold, and sneezing and blowing my nose - soo embarrassing!!
But it was nice to see my brother for a little while.. Even though he was supposed to give me something for my birthday.. I now have to wait till next week! Ruined my chances of getting 2 pitchers for £10 in Hatters!
Even so, I had a good evening..
Chilled out with my cat and other half watching a bit of telly.. Watched the last episode of the season for Two and A Half Men.. Had to wipe back a tear, but I am soooo glad they're back in the Autumn (Fall) with their new season.. Season 10 I do believe
*** YAAAY ***
I used some money from my other half to buy myself a nice new dress and a pair of new sunglasses as mine got broken =(
They're well cool, they've got butterflies on =)
I got a new dress, 2 new tops and 2 new pairs of leggings.. ALL in my favorite colour: BLUE!!!
Sooo chuffed with them all, they will all go with each other!
woopwoop
I had a lovely time, the only thing that spoilt it was my trip up the doctors ;)
Because now I am 25 I've had to have my Cervical Screening Test done.. BOOHOO!! It wasn't as bad as I thought especially as I knew what to expect with the speculum as I had one used when I had the ectopic 2 years ago. I didn't know what to expect really from having this done as I've never had it and no one has ever spoke to me about it and no one gave me a proper explination!
If anyone is due to have one, I would advise going.. There is nothing to be afraid of, I know, because I did it.. Didn't think I would, but I did =)
I then went back to a couple of shops and spent a little bit more money, and then we went into the pub in the town called Hatters.. Where we had a drink and a natter, whilst I was coughing to death from my cold, and sneezing and blowing my nose - soo embarrassing!!
But it was nice to see my brother for a little while.. Even though he was supposed to give me something for my birthday.. I now have to wait till next week! Ruined my chances of getting 2 pitchers for £10 in Hatters!
Even so, I had a good evening..
Chilled out with my cat and other half watching a bit of telly.. Watched the last episode of the season for Two and A Half Men.. Had to wipe back a tear, but I am soooo glad they're back in the Autumn (Fall) with their new season.. Season 10 I do believe
*** YAAAY ***
Sunday, May 20
My Mum & Sister Are Fundraising For Cancer Research UK
My mum & sister are doing race for life this year, she did not do it last year.. But did it 2010
I was going to do it too, but I changed my mind because I don't think I'd be able to do it as I have problems with my knees and I find it hard walking sometimes!
May have to do it next year if my mum & sister do it again next year
Sara Osman is fundraising for Cancer Research UK
Good Luck
<3
I was going to do it too, but I changed my mind because I don't think I'd be able to do it as I have problems with my knees and I find it hard walking sometimes!
May have to do it next year if my mum & sister do it again next year
Sara Osman is fundraising for Cancer Research UK
Good Luck
<3
Saturday, May 14
Happy 24th Birthday To Meee....
And what a day i had!!!!
My birthday was actually yesterday - friday 13th may, but i was so busy yesterday that i never got to post anything. Plus by the time i got home, i was kinda drunk! hehe
At my mums pub, i drank a whole bottle of some shot stuff called Cola Cubes with coke, with my sister including about 10 shots..!! holy crap..! lol i am writing this with a slight headache but i have in fact just had packet of crisps and took some ibuprofen, just waiting it to start easing off a bit.
I spent the day with mum and my sister.. and then evening at mums pub with my sister and mum and brother :) then my mums partner came along bit later..
I got few cards from friends :) and family, just waiting to hear about seeing my dad...
Got some really nice stuff, including mum paying for me to have my tattoo done!! woop woop
Gonna chill out now for the day as im knackered from the night before, and supposed to be going out tonight too!! gonna be fun fun fun! :)
My birthday was actually yesterday - friday 13th may, but i was so busy yesterday that i never got to post anything. Plus by the time i got home, i was kinda drunk! hehe
At my mums pub, i drank a whole bottle of some shot stuff called Cola Cubes with coke, with my sister including about 10 shots..!! holy crap..! lol i am writing this with a slight headache but i have in fact just had packet of crisps and took some ibuprofen, just waiting it to start easing off a bit.
I spent the day with mum and my sister.. and then evening at mums pub with my sister and mum and brother :) then my mums partner came along bit later..
I got few cards from friends :) and family, just waiting to hear about seeing my dad...
Got some really nice stuff, including mum paying for me to have my tattoo done!! woop woop
Gonna chill out now for the day as im knackered from the night before, and supposed to be going out tonight too!! gonna be fun fun fun! :)
Wednesday, May 4
Happy 3rd Birthday
This is my gorgeous cousin.
Today is her 3rd birthday!!
I still believe that she was my 21st birthday present from my cousin!
=)
Cant believe how time has gone by so quickly, feels like only yesterday i held a tiny Summer in my arms.. whom pucked on my top! lol
I just wonder if my cousin is going to give me some more baby cousins, including a brother or sister for Summer, of course!
Hee Hee Hee Hee
Still.. I just wanna say
x x x Happy Birthday x x x
Sunday, March 6
Thinking Of You, With Love.. As Always!!
This is a little something that i wrote for my nan, today is the anniversary of her death, and i always try and write a little something, as it shows that i am thinking of her.
Tonight, i plan to dig out my candles and write her name, or even the letter V ( her name's Violet ) in tealights and then light them when i feel ready to.
I may actually do this outside on the ground.. but would be even cooler if i could do it on the beach like all of the amazing blogs i've read on here..
Still, something i do should and will be a little bit special, even if it isnt the same as everyone else's ideas etc.
Why didn't the memories of you ever last
I miss you more each day
but I still love you Nan in every way
I still cant believe your gone.
I think of all that you missed out
Unfortunately this is something one can do about
For now I live with you in my head
And dream what could've been in my bed
But I wish I could be with you
I also wish i could bring you back just for the day
Just so i could make new memories come my way
It never gets easier each year passing by
I still question it, I wish I knew why
I really want to hear your voice again
R.I.P Nan, Always in my heart, Gone.. Not Forgotten!!
21.06.1940-06.03.1996
Tuesday, March 1
Tattoo, Tattoo, Tattoo...?
man oh man
but its where i am going to put the other two is the problem!
there are so many different tattoos out there i cannot seem to pick one, or something suitable to represent anything..
I want 3 different tattoos
1.
Breast Cancer Ribbon with NAN written on it with her date of birth and death - reminds me of my nan!
2.
A special tattoo for Billie, my named Ectopic.. was thinking:
B with angel wings
Heart with B in the middle
Angel written in chinese symbols
Billie written in chinese symbols (trouble is there are 2 male & female, but i had to pick a unisex name!!)
3.
A cat, to represent my love for my cats i have now, and the ones whom has passed... :)
But, where on earth shall i put them???
The cat i was thinking about going on my inside ankle.. as its only going to be a simple outline..
but its where i am going to put the other two is the problem!
I think i might get one on my shoulder, and other on my wrist, but its going be difficult with my scarring.. oops!
Back to the drawing boards!!! lol
Will post my designs i like so far i think, then maybe if someone reading this wants to help me, they can!
Thursday, February 24
Tattoo, Tattoo, Tattoo...?
So i have been thinking for a while that i want a tattoo, well admittedly i have always liked the idea of having one, so i would like one now!
Except, i want something that is meaningful to me. something that represents something..
So thats where i have got stuck.
I have come to the conclusion i would love to have 3 tattoo's!
(yes three)
The main one i want is for Billie, no matter what people say and think, he/she was still apart of me for 3 months regardless..!
So, for him/her i am thinking of..
- a letter B with angel wings
- a chinese symbol of Angel
- Billie in chinese symbols
- a star with a letter B in the middle
....ok the possibilities are endless, oops! hehe
But still, at least that would be meaningful, to me.
2nd
Is to represent my Nan, whom died of breast cancer in 1996.
So i would love to have a pink ribbon with her name and dates somewhere on my body
3rd
is to represent my love for cats, which would also go towards my 3 i have now, including our beloved Lucky whom died few years back, also Whiskers my nan's cat..
Hmmm....
Well, i have myself plenty of ideas now! so i think i will just print them off, and get out the art book and start drawing and designing myself..
Woop Woop
so exciting, i might actually get my arse in gear this time, i hope!!
teehee
Except, i want something that is meaningful to me. something that represents something..
So thats where i have got stuck.
I have come to the conclusion i would love to have 3 tattoo's!
(yes three)
The main one i want is for Billie, no matter what people say and think, he/she was still apart of me for 3 months regardless..!
So, for him/her i am thinking of..
- a letter B with angel wings
- a chinese symbol of Angel
- Billie in chinese symbols
- a star with a letter B in the middle
....ok the possibilities are endless, oops! hehe
But still, at least that would be meaningful, to me.
2nd
Is to represent my Nan, whom died of breast cancer in 1996.
So i would love to have a pink ribbon with her name and dates somewhere on my body
3rd
is to represent my love for cats, which would also go towards my 3 i have now, including our beloved Lucky whom died few years back, also Whiskers my nan's cat..
Hmmm....
Well, i have myself plenty of ideas now! so i think i will just print them off, and get out the art book and start drawing and designing myself..
Woop Woop
so exciting, i might actually get my arse in gear this time, i hope!!
teehee
Monday, December 6
Happy 18th Birthday
I just still cannot believe it! Time has certainly flown by..
We had a little tea party thing we always do at the house for birthdays, and then he had a party the next day!!
Not many people turned up though, which i have to admit was bit sad, but knowing my brother had a great night regardless of the faces whom didnt show!!
Still... I got to dance with my Cousins Daughter, if only for a little while hehe
Cant believe how grown up she is now.. time has definatly flown by!!
My Brother (the birthday boy) And I
My Mother & I
My Brother (the birthday boy) - Me - My Sister
It's been over a week now since my brother turned18, and i still cant believe it happened!!!
Tuesday, November 9
World STOP.. I Wanna Get Off....
Ohh God.. Ohh God.. Ohh GOD...
There is sooo much changing, and sooo much happening that i just cannot keep up any longer..
My head feels like a washing machine on a fast cycle.. Everything jumbling around and round and getting caught up amongst many many other items of clothing inside the washing machine..
It just gives me a big headache and it no fair anymore.. I just cant keep up or allow one thing to enter my head to sort out at just that one time.. and i dont know why!
I really really wish things wasnt so messed up inside my head and was easy to talk about things and allow them to come out and leave and never return, but it doesnt seem to want to work that way and i dont know why :(
Just let me get off now, i'm feeling sick...!!
As if feeling like a washing machine wasn't enough for me, i also feel like i am on a rollercoaster...
A rollercoaster of change..
I know its going to sound really stupid, but i just found out that my dad is now seeing someone also.. and i feel bit odd about it all..
When mum and dad split up i was really unhappy and freightened of what it would mean and become, and worrying about how things would be at home, and how it would be with just Mum, but then dad came home again and it got awkward :( always arguing and saying things to each other and moaning about each other behind their backs!! Awkward
When my mum started seeing someone not long after dad it didnt feel right, and same with the others after that it didnt feel right, it didnt feel right that dad and mum had split up either :(
But now both of them have someone, and it just feels over.. i dont feel like i am apart of a family anymore, i cant go and say
"I live with my mum and dad and siblings" or "i have a mum and dad" now, its "i live with my mum" and "i have a mum, and a dad"
and then soon, i'll end up with step-parents!!
Why does it have to be so final.. so finished...
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