Today marks 2 years since my grandfather passed away, and today I just feel so numb.
I am feeling different to the way I did last year and the day when he passed away it is weird and just hard to explain.
Yesterday was my Aunt's birthday and that was the day (28.12.17) that I got the call telling me that Grandad is very poorly and they were sure that he was going to go. When I got there he was asleep and he had woke up and was laughing with us joking and farting away like he always does. But after a while he changed and he just went back to sleep again.
I think about that day often, when I got there my Nan, Great Aunt Lilian (Grandads sister) my Aunt and her hubby was there with 3 of my cousins and their boyfriend & girlfriend, my other aunt and cousin and just remember the conversation he had before he just slept. He told us that he had a dream and that he went to heaven and that we were all there with him. My uncle told him jokingly that he was being silly to which my grandad turned around and said "Fuck the lot of you then. I wont take you to Heaven with me" when everyone went home I just wanted to sit with my grandad a little longer and so I did. I just sat there and held his hand looking at him and I didn't say anything.. I just didn't want to leave him but my friend was on her way to pick me up and so I let one of the nurses know I was leaving. He passed away early hours 29.12.17. We think he passed away the moment my dad flew back into the UK as he was in Sweden on holiday. I didn't know anything about it until my mum rang me. My aunt and uncle knew that I wanted to be told if anything happened but my dad decided that he wanted to tell us himself in the morning. I rang him and said whats going on and he went "oh yeah theres something I need to tell you Grandad has gone!" I was so angry because I was meant to be told as soon as there was any changes. Only reason I found out through my mum was because he rang his brother who has had nothing to do with Grandad for years first. Who in turn told Grandads brother and his wife that he had passed away and she took it upon herself to message my mum :(
I remember it all and I remember when I went to see my Grandad in the funeral home on what would've been his 79th birthday just over a week later. I talked to a couple of people about going and they was worried about me doing it because of the state I was in with my mental health already and they was worried it would affect any of my memories and despite what I saw I have to admit that it never tainted of my memories. It gave me a new one, but not ruined any of the other ones I have growing up..
If I could change one thing, well some things I would go back and change that I didn't just sit in silence and that I talked to him more once everyone had left and I wish that I could change it so that he never got poorly and he was still here...
Showing posts with label In Loving Memory. Show all posts
Showing posts with label In Loving Memory. Show all posts
Sunday, December 29
Friday, August 3
It's Hard To Say Goodbye! Especially Twice In A Week...
The events over this last week have caught up with me as I have now started to process everything. It's been hard because I never thought that any of this would happen.. And even if you was expecting it, it still doesn't hurt anymore than it should.
I say this because my friends family have lost 2 cats in a week! This broke my heart into millions of pieces as I am a cat person I always have been, I like dogs but I prefer cats!
23rd/24th July.
I stayed over at my friends house as we were going shopping next day with my mum and sister. And all of a sudden just before midnight there was a knock at the door and one of the dogs called Maisie started barking and my friend just told her off and I said no someone is knocking at the door. Eventually she got up to see what was going on and someone knocked the door saying they have found a black and white cat that looks like has been hit by a car. I was like whats going on and waited for her to come back and then her neighbour came in because they knocked her door first and they wasn't sure if it was their cat or one of my friends. I went out there to see what I could do and was asked to check to see if it was Socks and I looked down and my heart broke because he was laying in the path not moving. My friend rang the vet to ask them to double check it was him as their cats are microchipped. We waited for the vet to let us in and he was leaking fluid which meant that he had gone in her arms before we got him to the vet :( as soon as we went in the lady scanned him with the micro chip checker and as soon as she said "it's Socks" that was it I broke down more and then we had to leave him there because she couldnt take him home at that time because of the dogs and other cats. So they kept him safe for her.
As soon as I got back into the car I went into shock, I wasn't paying attention, I was staring and just sobbing. Because I had just been having cuddles with him that day and I got him in because the dozy cat went out the front when he shouldn't be out there so I called him in through the window..
He was only 8 years old he was still a baby pretty much, and few days after I was still expecting this fat cat to come up to me meowing at me for attention and barely leaving my side!
Can't believe this beautiful cat has gone :(
30th July
Monday was the day that we had to say Goodbye to their gorgeous cat Mischief. He was an old cat, he was 16 and he was a very special cat. About 4-5 years ago he was in a car accident and they were on the way to the vet to have him put down. But the Vet was new and she offered to amputate his leg if they paid for his anesthetic etc. They told my friends family that he would be limited on what he can do etc. one of them was telling them he would never jump a 6ft fence again, but he did! He didn't do much the last few months as he started to go blind.. Because his eyes didn't change with the light. So I used to help him get outside by getting him to smell me and guide him slowly.
He got put to sleep because the day before I noticed that one of his eyes was bleeding and it turned out his eye started to sink into his head :( I left him at 10pm after playing cards with my friend her dad and Gran. I put Mischief up on to a comfy chair next to him so he wasn't alone, eventually he decided he didnt want to stay indoors so he put himself back outside where he always slept all day and night. Later that even I was talking to my friends sister and niece and they said that his eye had got worse within a couple of hours :( I got the message during the day Monday that he was booked in with the vet to be put to sleep.. We all said our goodbyes before they left. I picked him up and cradled him and cried and gave him a kiss. I had to put him in the cat box so they could go.
After about half an hour I got a call from my friend in tears because Mischief just went peacefully and that he had no fight left in him so he knew it was his time to go. She also mentioned the vet that put him to sleep was the same vet who did his operation to amputate his leg. She was also in tears bless her and had to get the help from one of the nurses because she was a mess. She even said that she was going to take a 5min break to gather herself.
I comforted my friends dad as he was heart broken. He didn't realise how much it was gonna hit him about loosing both the cats in a week! So I sat with him and gave him a hug and we had a scotch and lemonade and we sat down and talked about it all. He has sworn he never wants another cat because it hurts too much when they pass and said that he wanted a budgie! I was like really, you don't like things that fly!? With that he said he knew and chuckled. I mentioned it to my friend when she rung me and told her mum and sister and they chuckled as well.
When everyone came back we stood in the garden as a family crying together and supporting each other. I remember the day Mischief and his brother Felix came into their family as kittens, and they both used to love sleeping on me one in my lap and one on my chest. They are beautiful and loving cats. Mischief always used to comfort me when I was feeling low.. And I am gonna miss him so much!!
All this has taken its toll on me and I haven't been able to process it all till now and I am finding it difficult still to this day and it is only Friday!
These beautiful cats are loved and missed <3 p="">
I say this because my friends family have lost 2 cats in a week! This broke my heart into millions of pieces as I am a cat person I always have been, I like dogs but I prefer cats!
23rd/24th July.
I stayed over at my friends house as we were going shopping next day with my mum and sister. And all of a sudden just before midnight there was a knock at the door and one of the dogs called Maisie started barking and my friend just told her off and I said no someone is knocking at the door. Eventually she got up to see what was going on and someone knocked the door saying they have found a black and white cat that looks like has been hit by a car. I was like whats going on and waited for her to come back and then her neighbour came in because they knocked her door first and they wasn't sure if it was their cat or one of my friends. I went out there to see what I could do and was asked to check to see if it was Socks and I looked down and my heart broke because he was laying in the path not moving. My friend rang the vet to ask them to double check it was him as their cats are microchipped. We waited for the vet to let us in and he was leaking fluid which meant that he had gone in her arms before we got him to the vet :( as soon as we went in the lady scanned him with the micro chip checker and as soon as she said "it's Socks" that was it I broke down more and then we had to leave him there because she couldnt take him home at that time because of the dogs and other cats. So they kept him safe for her.
As soon as I got back into the car I went into shock, I wasn't paying attention, I was staring and just sobbing. Because I had just been having cuddles with him that day and I got him in because the dozy cat went out the front when he shouldn't be out there so I called him in through the window..
He was only 8 years old he was still a baby pretty much, and few days after I was still expecting this fat cat to come up to me meowing at me for attention and barely leaving my side!
Can't believe this beautiful cat has gone :(
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| Socks Curled Up Next To Me |
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| Socks Watching Us Play Cards |
30th July
Monday was the day that we had to say Goodbye to their gorgeous cat Mischief. He was an old cat, he was 16 and he was a very special cat. About 4-5 years ago he was in a car accident and they were on the way to the vet to have him put down. But the Vet was new and she offered to amputate his leg if they paid for his anesthetic etc. They told my friends family that he would be limited on what he can do etc. one of them was telling them he would never jump a 6ft fence again, but he did! He didn't do much the last few months as he started to go blind.. Because his eyes didn't change with the light. So I used to help him get outside by getting him to smell me and guide him slowly.
He got put to sleep because the day before I noticed that one of his eyes was bleeding and it turned out his eye started to sink into his head :( I left him at 10pm after playing cards with my friend her dad and Gran. I put Mischief up on to a comfy chair next to him so he wasn't alone, eventually he decided he didnt want to stay indoors so he put himself back outside where he always slept all day and night. Later that even I was talking to my friends sister and niece and they said that his eye had got worse within a couple of hours :( I got the message during the day Monday that he was booked in with the vet to be put to sleep.. We all said our goodbyes before they left. I picked him up and cradled him and cried and gave him a kiss. I had to put him in the cat box so they could go.
After about half an hour I got a call from my friend in tears because Mischief just went peacefully and that he had no fight left in him so he knew it was his time to go. She also mentioned the vet that put him to sleep was the same vet who did his operation to amputate his leg. She was also in tears bless her and had to get the help from one of the nurses because she was a mess. She even said that she was going to take a 5min break to gather herself.
I comforted my friends dad as he was heart broken. He didn't realise how much it was gonna hit him about loosing both the cats in a week! So I sat with him and gave him a hug and we had a scotch and lemonade and we sat down and talked about it all. He has sworn he never wants another cat because it hurts too much when they pass and said that he wanted a budgie! I was like really, you don't like things that fly!? With that he said he knew and chuckled. I mentioned it to my friend when she rung me and told her mum and sister and they chuckled as well.
When everyone came back we stood in the garden as a family crying together and supporting each other. I remember the day Mischief and his brother Felix came into their family as kittens, and they both used to love sleeping on me one in my lap and one on my chest. They are beautiful and loving cats. Mischief always used to comfort me when I was feeling low.. And I am gonna miss him so much!!
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| Mischief Sitting With Me Whilst I Play Cards |
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| Mischief Came To Gave Me Cuddles When I Was Feeling Down |
All this has taken its toll on me and I haven't been able to process it all till now and I am finding it difficult still to this day and it is only Friday!
These beautiful cats are loved and missed <3 p="">
Monday, July 9
R.I.P Grandad 09.01.39 to 29.12.17
I have been wanting to post this for a while but been finding the right words to put or say. I wasn't allowed to put any of this on Facebook because it was private which is understandable and I did let a few people that I am close too on Facebook in messenger. All I did was change my profile picture to a picture of me and Grandad when I was a baby.
My whole life fell apart when my Grandad had passed away, it was so weird because I got the call to say that he was in hospital and I needed to get there asap and so I did but I was so scared as didn't know what to expect as have been here a few times with Grandad not doing so well in hospital.
I got there and he was sleeping and everyone was there, Grandads Sister, my Nan, my Auntie & Uncle and 3 Cousins, 2 of them had their girlfriend there and the other had their fiancee with her and then my other Aunt & Cousin was there as well so it was a room full. My dad and his wife were on their way back from Sweden that evening and my brother and sister were unable to get up to the hospital to see him.
Doctors were in and out all day and it was strange because Grandad had woke up, he was talking telling us about his dream he just had about him dying and we were all there with him, he had a laugh and a joke and even does what he does best, farting away! That was until he asked to use a commode to go to the toilet and that's when he changed, he just slept everyone other than my Nan, me one of my cousins and Grandad's sister left to get some fresh air and sort some bits out. Grandad's Sister tried talking to him but he was mumbling and couldn't understand him but I could just work out what he was saying.
It came to about 6pm that evening and everyone went home, but I wanted to stay a little while longer and my friend said she would come and get me when I am ready. So we sat in silence, I sat next to him holding his hand and stroking it and looking at him and now looking back I wish I said more to him whilst he was sleeping. As I was leaving I let one of his nurses know that I was leaving and everyone else had gone, and I watched him close his blinds and then he shut the door and walked off.
Next morning was a massive shock as I woke up that morning with my mum calling me saying Grandad had died, I was like what no one has said anything to me and with that I got off the phone to my mum and rung my dad and he then told me on the phone that morning that he had died and that was it my heart broke into millions of pieces and I broke down.. After he got off the phone with me he rung my sister and my brother and they were calling and texting me to see how I was because I have always been close with my grandparents and saw them when I could. I was not happy because everyone else knew before me as my dad didn't want to ring me when it happened even though my Aunt & Uncle knew to ring me! Wish I had known at the time not through my mum because another family member was told before me.
On Grandad's Birthday it was arranged for us to go and see Grandad in the Funeral Home. I wasn't sure about going all day I was debating with myself about whether I should go through this especially with my Mental Health the way it is, I wondered if it would taint my memories of Grandad seeing him etc. I just assumed it was me and my Dad but it wasn't till I got there that my Nan, Grandad's Sister, Dad, Auntie & Uncle And 1 of my Cousins would be there.
I managed to go through I was really scared, but we were all together we didn't go in 1 by 1 which was handy because we weren't alone. My Nan struggled and So did his Sister. I was scared to go near the coffin :( I just looked at him and he looked so peaceful which is something I have never seen in him before.. And I just stood there crying and we looked at the pictures that they printed off of us all that he had in his hand and in the other one they had a packet of XXX mints as he ate them constantly. He had his favourite cardigan on etc. They also added birthday cards, Christmas Cards that they never got to give him. I made a joke about using up all the tissues and I some how managed to do that and I was so embarrassed but it kinda helped the atmosphere a little..
All I could think of standing there was pushing him to wake him up :(
The weeks leading up to his funeral were difficult. I had asked to say something at the funeral as did one of my Cousins and my Auntie wanted to say something too.
I sat here and worked out all the right things to say or what I could say and tried to remember all the things that we talked about and things he never let me live down. So I sat here and typed up what I wanted to say and I had it printed. I didn't really read it properly I just wrote it and asked my friends dad to print it out for me.
We all met at Nan's before the funeral because of working out who was going in what car and who with. There was at least 4 cars that followed the Hearse to the Church. I was so nervous before the service and as soon as I saw the Hearse's reflection in one of the windows of the mobile homes I broke down :(
My brother offered to help old the coffin along with my Cousin's Fiance he offered to do it as well. So proud of my brother for being brave to say he would help.
I some how managed to read what I wanted to say. But when I showed them my writing they said that they didn't realise how much I had written, turned out I read my Eulogy out really fast so they couldn't quite understand me! But I did it I cried after I read it though!
Once the Church service was over we had to meet the Funeral Car out the front so they could take that to the Graveyard. As Nan lent over to touch the coffin a beautiful butterfly flew over as she did it and I have never forgot about that either.
We walked round to the graveyard where he was placed ready to be buried and we stood around and listened to the rest of the service and as it ended all our family members took some mud and threw it on the coffin.. I was so embarrassed as I wore my wedges as they was smarter than wearing my Lee Cooper canvas shoes and I almost fell in because my shoe got stuck! I was so scared at that second because I thought he would have either ended up with me or my shoe.. Shame the ground wasn't so soft but it had been raining a few days before hand.
After the funeral we went back to my Nan's where we had some food and celebrated his life! I had a few drinks and stayed outside for most of it as I wasn't sure about the space and I had been smoking with one of my Cousin's he offered me some fags after the service.
I will always love and miss you Grandad <3 p="">
My whole life fell apart when my Grandad had passed away, it was so weird because I got the call to say that he was in hospital and I needed to get there asap and so I did but I was so scared as didn't know what to expect as have been here a few times with Grandad not doing so well in hospital.
I got there and he was sleeping and everyone was there, Grandads Sister, my Nan, my Auntie & Uncle and 3 Cousins, 2 of them had their girlfriend there and the other had their fiancee with her and then my other Aunt & Cousin was there as well so it was a room full. My dad and his wife were on their way back from Sweden that evening and my brother and sister were unable to get up to the hospital to see him.
Doctors were in and out all day and it was strange because Grandad had woke up, he was talking telling us about his dream he just had about him dying and we were all there with him, he had a laugh and a joke and even does what he does best, farting away! That was until he asked to use a commode to go to the toilet and that's when he changed, he just slept everyone other than my Nan, me one of my cousins and Grandad's sister left to get some fresh air and sort some bits out. Grandad's Sister tried talking to him but he was mumbling and couldn't understand him but I could just work out what he was saying.
It came to about 6pm that evening and everyone went home, but I wanted to stay a little while longer and my friend said she would come and get me when I am ready. So we sat in silence, I sat next to him holding his hand and stroking it and looking at him and now looking back I wish I said more to him whilst he was sleeping. As I was leaving I let one of his nurses know that I was leaving and everyone else had gone, and I watched him close his blinds and then he shut the door and walked off.
Next morning was a massive shock as I woke up that morning with my mum calling me saying Grandad had died, I was like what no one has said anything to me and with that I got off the phone to my mum and rung my dad and he then told me on the phone that morning that he had died and that was it my heart broke into millions of pieces and I broke down.. After he got off the phone with me he rung my sister and my brother and they were calling and texting me to see how I was because I have always been close with my grandparents and saw them when I could. I was not happy because everyone else knew before me as my dad didn't want to ring me when it happened even though my Aunt & Uncle knew to ring me! Wish I had known at the time not through my mum because another family member was told before me.
On Grandad's Birthday it was arranged for us to go and see Grandad in the Funeral Home. I wasn't sure about going all day I was debating with myself about whether I should go through this especially with my Mental Health the way it is, I wondered if it would taint my memories of Grandad seeing him etc. I just assumed it was me and my Dad but it wasn't till I got there that my Nan, Grandad's Sister, Dad, Auntie & Uncle And 1 of my Cousins would be there.
I managed to go through I was really scared, but we were all together we didn't go in 1 by 1 which was handy because we weren't alone. My Nan struggled and So did his Sister. I was scared to go near the coffin :( I just looked at him and he looked so peaceful which is something I have never seen in him before.. And I just stood there crying and we looked at the pictures that they printed off of us all that he had in his hand and in the other one they had a packet of XXX mints as he ate them constantly. He had his favourite cardigan on etc. They also added birthday cards, Christmas Cards that they never got to give him. I made a joke about using up all the tissues and I some how managed to do that and I was so embarrassed but it kinda helped the atmosphere a little..
All I could think of standing there was pushing him to wake him up :(
The weeks leading up to his funeral were difficult. I had asked to say something at the funeral as did one of my Cousins and my Auntie wanted to say something too.
I sat here and worked out all the right things to say or what I could say and tried to remember all the things that we talked about and things he never let me live down. So I sat here and typed up what I wanted to say and I had it printed. I didn't really read it properly I just wrote it and asked my friends dad to print it out for me.
We all met at Nan's before the funeral because of working out who was going in what car and who with. There was at least 4 cars that followed the Hearse to the Church. I was so nervous before the service and as soon as I saw the Hearse's reflection in one of the windows of the mobile homes I broke down :(
My brother offered to help old the coffin along with my Cousin's Fiance he offered to do it as well. So proud of my brother for being brave to say he would help.
I some how managed to read what I wanted to say. But when I showed them my writing they said that they didn't realise how much I had written, turned out I read my Eulogy out really fast so they couldn't quite understand me! But I did it I cried after I read it though!
Once the Church service was over we had to meet the Funeral Car out the front so they could take that to the Graveyard. As Nan lent over to touch the coffin a beautiful butterfly flew over as she did it and I have never forgot about that either.
We walked round to the graveyard where he was placed ready to be buried and we stood around and listened to the rest of the service and as it ended all our family members took some mud and threw it on the coffin.. I was so embarrassed as I wore my wedges as they was smarter than wearing my Lee Cooper canvas shoes and I almost fell in because my shoe got stuck! I was so scared at that second because I thought he would have either ended up with me or my shoe.. Shame the ground wasn't so soft but it had been raining a few days before hand.
After the funeral we went back to my Nan's where we had some food and celebrated his life! I had a few drinks and stayed outside for most of it as I wasn't sure about the space and I had been smoking with one of my Cousin's he offered me some fags after the service.
I will always love and miss you Grandad <3 p="">
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