Today has been a somewhat strange day.. I had a medical for my benefits this morning and I hadn't been looking forward it, if anything I have been extremely nervous and worried about the situation. I think it was because I didn't actually know if the person coming out to me was male or female and I also had to do the whole meeting by myself as I couldn't get anyone to come to me and sit with me to support me. I did ask Michelle the lady I see in town but she couldn't come to me which was very disappointing as I couldn't ask anyone else to be here for me as my sister was in bed catching up from the night shift and my mum was at hers looking after her youngest before getting her up in time to pick the kids up from school. I clearly have no friends at the moment so I didn't bother talking to anyone about it or mentioning it.
But I'll get into that in a different post no doubt.
Anyway, I was tired last night so I decided to get into bed around midnight but I couldn't actually settle because I was getting stressed about today. I was so stressed and anxious that my heart literally felt like it was going to beat out of my chest and I started to have a panic attack. It was just awful. Luckily a few months ago my new doctor gave me some new tablets called Propranolol to take for the anxiety and panic attacks and it didn't take long for them to kick in which I was quite glad with as it meant I could at least attempt to get some sleep. I was awake till gone 2am in end and I just couldn't stay asleep I kept waking up every hour thinking I had been asleep for hours and it was ready to get up - which it clearly wasn't lol I managed to keep falling back to sleep again. But I couldn't stay asleep so I ended up just getting up around 9am this morning and then I changed my bedding as it needed doing but I couldn't be bothered to do it last night. And made sure that I was dressed was meant to do my hair but I forgot which was fine because when my buzzer went it was a female I had a huge sigh of relief but I was still very nervous.
We talked about the mental health issues that I had listed in my claim which was the depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, EUPD. I also mentioned that I have been diagnosed with Insomnia now too! Madness that I've got all these issues wrong with me I forget some times until it all gets listed off. She asked me a lot of questions and I must had given her a lot of information because she did a lot of writing lol which I am guessing is always a good thing, right?
We talked about my issues and struggles and gave her a list of medication that I am currently taking and what I take them for and how much.
Once she asked me about my mental health issues she stopped and said that in my notes it mentions me having a laparoscopic operation. I stopped froze, and just started crying. I apologized for getting upset, and continued to tell her that the operation I had was because I had an Ectopic Pregnancy. She apologized to me as she didn't realise that was what had happened and said she was sorry for my loss. I didn't go into too much detail because I was really upset and in shock and also a little confused. But I did tell her that I do now have problems with my periods. I don't think that the problems with my period is actually from losing my left Fallopian tube because those problems arised when I had my first abnormal smear. I told her that I had a hysteroscopy a few years ago which was to remove some of the lining of my womb to test it and it came back that I have endometrial hyperplasia which is a hormone issue and the lining basically grows to quick and that's why I have heavy and often painful periods. Although the issue comes and goes. I used to be on hormone tablets but at the moment I am not on anything because the problems I have clear up themselves sometimes it can be an issue especially the flooding I often experience but I do have tablets for that that helps and I tend to take them more at night and when I am going out because there is nothing worse than taking a step and needing the toilet almost instantly because worried I've flooded already and not even gone far.
I have to say though the lady who came to see me today was really nice and she helped me feel at ease a little. Especially considering the weirdest thing about the medical was that the doctors last name was the same as mine :) she wasn't English though I didn't ask where she came from or where her parents are from as its a little personal. But my surname is quite rare in a way and it also originates from Turkey apparently but who knows. My dad may do because he has been doing our family tree but hasn't said no more about it.
After she left I had a few more tears because I was just in shock in how she knew about the laparoscopic operation and then found that these doctors have some kind of access to my medical records but the issue with the notes is is that there wasn't any information given really except that my left tube had ruptured. One day I'd like access to those notes but I have read they can refuse you access based on your mental health issues so I don't think I'll ever get to see it.
In the end I composed myself and decided to head over to my sisters to see her and my nephews but as I had mentioned at the start she was in bed catching up on sleep from her night shift last night so it was my mum, youngest nephew till my sister woke up. I talked to mum about the medical I had and then when my sister came down she asked me how it went and I told her what happened too including them asking about the operation that she wanted to talk about. It'll take up to 6 weeks depending on how quick they do the paperwork in my area it could come earlier it just varies so I probably wont find out till March I reckon.
Spending the rest of the day with my mum, sister and my 3 nephews once the older 2 came back from school was just what I needed.. I played with them and got us all into trouble pmsl they've got toy guns with foam bullet things and plastic on the tops my oldest nephew took a bullet and he shot it at me twice so I took it to put it in the one I had and he got upset even though I wasn't actually going to shoot him with it lol so we got told off hehe I love those 3 boys and I will be glad when I am starting to properly feel myself again because I can then start seeing them a lot more again instead of just once a week. I just need to sort myself out and get back in to the doctors to see my doctor. Apart of me just wants to get in and see someone else but then I have the issue of explaining what my other doctor has done and why she's done it and then explaining again what I am there for, at least if I see or speak to my normal doctor I wont need to explain everything as she should in theory remember what she wanted to do with me and do with my medication. Apart of me thinks I need to go back on my Mirtazapine but I am also unsure if that's the right option. I just don't think I am stable enough to come off ALL my medication still especially after the issues I am having with coming off the Mirtazapine and tried the Venlofaxine..
Showing posts with label mental health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mental health. Show all posts
Friday, January 24
Wednesday, December 31
The Mental Health System SUCKS...
On the 16th December, I had a call from this lady I see from MIND called Jo, stating that she had finally got hold of my CPN at Bedale and she would explain to me when I saw her the following Monday what was said and has been done.
Jo had told me that my CPN is getting an appointment to me in the post, which I thought was brilliant as I knew I would've got it by Christmas, as I knew that the last 2nd class posting date was 18th and 1st class was the 19th.
Well.. Today is the 30th December and nothing has come in the post yet, I did receive some new iPhone charging leads that I ordered on Sunday (28th) how can something that I ordered a week later come quicker than my appointment!? Something doesn't add up, and I really do have a feeling that my CPN is doing all that she can to get rid of me.
In August I was set up to see the lady I see from MIND and I have told her over and over that I feel that my CPN just wasn't interested in helping me, and all she wanted to do was to palm me off on to someone else. Jo isn't trained to be a CPN or Pychologist/psychaitrist etc. she is a bit like a social worker, maybe? I am not 100% sure, all I know is that Jo works for MIND.
When I last spoke to my GP regarding my medication, that I spoke to my CPN, Val about my medication because the medication I am currently on doesn't work, and I have tried 5 different sets of anti depressants over the last 7/8 years or so and I think she felt that me seeing if I could talk to my CPN to perhaps talk to the psychatrist who gave me my Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis, to find out what medication would be best suited for me because of the fact that all the different ones I had been taking do not work.
Firstly she said she will pass my information over to the psychatrist, I then finally got another appointment with my CPN after weeks of calling and leaving messages getting no response, then having to get my doctors to ring my CPN that I had finally got to see her, when I asked about my medication, she then informed me that the psychatrist was then off sick but she could pass my information to another qualified person to see what they can do, and I never heard anymore from my CPN from that point, and then she never gave me a follow up appointment.
I have been having a few melt downs over the last few months, one got really bad whilst I was travelling to my aunt and uncles on the bus as I didn't know if I was still getting picked up or not, and instead of asking, I decided to take myself there. I had a panic attack after panic attacks it was a horrible experience for me.. First the bus is too busy to sit downstairs, I decided to go upstairs (and almost falling down them because having short legs) as soon as I tried getting off the bus people were coming down the stairs the same time I was, then there was loads of people crowding around the bus so I struggled to get through the crowd to get off and move =( then 2 buses came to go to my aunts, decided to get the 2nd because there was too many people trying to get on the 1st.. But then all of a sudden they started following me, and started to crowd around me again, lost my balance and fell over ='( only person who was interested in helping and making sure I was ok was the ticket inspector.. As soon as I got on I forgot where I was going, then when paid I went to walk away and there was a woman crowding round me again trying to scan her pass, she was told to get straight on it was just one thing after another!! I don't know how I did it, but I managed to keep my cool, but it wasn't till I got off the bus and started walking up to my aunts I burst into tears.. Had to hold back for a few mins so that I could calm down and didn't want anyone to see me crying as didn't want the attention..
Been struggling to continue taking my medication.. I am getting to the point where I can't be bothered anymore!!
Let's hope if the post does bring me a letter tomorrow (31st December) with an appointment, I could do with it.. If I don't get anywhere then I am going to have to find a way of making a complaint. Fed up with having been let down by the mental health system!
Sunday, May 8
I have a question...
Am I Mental For Wanting To Vent My Anger And Feelings And Thoughts On To Paper, Well Notebooks???
As you may know, I have Borderline Personality Disorder or at least some kind of Personality Disorder, Depression, Anxiety problems and slight Agoraphobia..
And I myself struggle talking and expressing my feelings "normally" but i feel that me writing helps myself without others knowing exactly what has been written..
I am in a bad place right now, I am going through a masses amount of problems and stress, and i cant cope with everything right now, and i felt at the time it was easier for me to write out on paper exactly how i am feeling.
But now, i am being told im mental and not normal for wanting to keep notebooks of stuff i write, i never re read anything i just write it and close the book and go back and write some more then close it etc. i have never re readen anything i wrote.
Apart from once, when i went through some old notepad files on the pc and i read some poems i had written years ago and it broke my heart, i guess i never really knew or understood exactly how i was feeling myself, and seeing that the feels have hardly changed was just awful.
I should really sort out my problems, but i have no patience for meds to work again, and really considering putting myself into a mental hospital or something just to keep me safe,
But if i did this, who is to say i can take the things that really mean to me like my cat for starters i couldnt leave him he needs me around, and loves my company!
no one texts me much anymore so hardly anyone is going to miss my texts/calls... i just really dont know what else i can do now, and after all the words that have been said, i just dont think its fair..
I was reminded of how this girl, has a life, has her baby etc. etc. etc. it just killed me.
I know it is nothing to do with you whom read this but i needed to get that off my chest! so i am sorry, but i am allowed to have feelings, arent i??
Thursday, November 4
The First Step To Changes...
Today i had my appointment at our local mental health center..
Had bit of a restless night, but still managed to get up.. well stay awake this morning lol
I had a few tears and panics before i left, but i managed to get there, in the end!! (i got my brother to meet me and walk me around to the place)
The meeting wasn't too bad, i had a lady whom is new to the profession, and wanted to sit in with me and use me as her project i guess.. i was reluctant at first, but until i was told that it would be extra help and support, i thought well i might as well.. plus i am a tough lil cookie with so much going on.. that i would be a good subject lol just hope that i dont put her off her career :p teehee
After she was introduced to me, we went through a mini questionnaire thing, to point out how much something bothers me, and what is desperate and needs to be looked at.
I don't remember much on this list now, unfortunately :(
but i do know that the most important subjects were
- self harm
- tension release
- sleeping
- anger management
..and quite a few more...
I was asked if i wished to start looking into the program today, but i felt that after the interview as they say that i felt bit full of information and talked all i needed to talk about and left it at that.
I now go to the Bedale Center once a week.. going on a Wednesday afternoon at 2pm.. i start my first session next week. they are going to be easy on me, mind you they'd have to - i not very good with pressure etc. so i would need to start off small..
So next week's session will start talking about sleeping - as thats driving me mad as i cannot sleep and i have been like it for 2 to 3 months now even before i took the anti depressants!!!
I talked about sleeping tablets and how the ones i took the other day "NatraSleep" and the effect they gave me..
So who knows what'll happen!!
But after the session, my brother came and met me again, and then i went back to dads flat with him, and then watched him and his girlfriend playing on the playstation 3 and then finally dragged my brothers arse into town!! lol
I wanted to have a look at external hard drives as my laptop drive is only 100GB and i want bit more space than that externally so i dont keep clogging up my laptop itself as it slows it down all the time.. drives me mad!!
** i hope i didnt embarrass him too much lol My brother should realise that when someone takes ME out its "Special Sammii's Day Out" - like the people that look after special needs peoples.. hehe thats what it like for meeee... so i kept going ooooooh POKEMON and WOW and OMG .. etc! ha ha ha **
All i bought in town in the end was a new art book, as i lost my other one at my house somewhere :( and then a few bits in morrisons..
did a little bit of shopping, mind you most of the shopping was chocolate for meeeeeee =)
i bought:
a pack of 2 doughnuts - they didnt have the custard ones :( so got 2 raspberry ones! lol
2 x kitkat caramel was on off 2 for 70p!!
box of maltesers as was £1
cheapo custard creams
crinkle and thin chips
and curly fries =) yay
Not bad really lol although i shouldnt eat all that really.. i will get fat.....!! ha ha ha ha (NEVER)
Had bit of a restless night, but still managed to get up.. well stay awake this morning lol
I had a few tears and panics before i left, but i managed to get there, in the end!! (i got my brother to meet me and walk me around to the place)
The meeting wasn't too bad, i had a lady whom is new to the profession, and wanted to sit in with me and use me as her project i guess.. i was reluctant at first, but until i was told that it would be extra help and support, i thought well i might as well.. plus i am a tough lil cookie with so much going on.. that i would be a good subject lol just hope that i dont put her off her career :p teehee
After she was introduced to me, we went through a mini questionnaire thing, to point out how much something bothers me, and what is desperate and needs to be looked at.
I don't remember much on this list now, unfortunately :(
but i do know that the most important subjects were
- self harm
- tension release
- sleeping
- anger management
..and quite a few more...
I was asked if i wished to start looking into the program today, but i felt that after the interview as they say that i felt bit full of information and talked all i needed to talk about and left it at that.
I now go to the Bedale Center once a week.. going on a Wednesday afternoon at 2pm.. i start my first session next week. they are going to be easy on me, mind you they'd have to - i not very good with pressure etc. so i would need to start off small..
So next week's session will start talking about sleeping - as thats driving me mad as i cannot sleep and i have been like it for 2 to 3 months now even before i took the anti depressants!!!
I talked about sleeping tablets and how the ones i took the other day "NatraSleep" and the effect they gave me..
So who knows what'll happen!!
But after the session, my brother came and met me again, and then i went back to dads flat with him, and then watched him and his girlfriend playing on the playstation 3 and then finally dragged my brothers arse into town!! lol
I wanted to have a look at external hard drives as my laptop drive is only 100GB and i want bit more space than that externally so i dont keep clogging up my laptop itself as it slows it down all the time.. drives me mad!!
** i hope i didnt embarrass him too much lol My brother should realise that when someone takes ME out its "Special Sammii's Day Out" - like the people that look after special needs peoples.. hehe thats what it like for meeee... so i kept going ooooooh POKEMON and WOW and OMG .. etc! ha ha ha **
All i bought in town in the end was a new art book, as i lost my other one at my house somewhere :( and then a few bits in morrisons..
did a little bit of shopping, mind you most of the shopping was chocolate for meeeeeee =)
i bought:
a pack of 2 doughnuts - they didnt have the custard ones :( so got 2 raspberry ones! lol
2 x kitkat caramel was on off 2 for 70p!!
box of maltesers as was £1
cheapo custard creams
crinkle and thin chips
and curly fries =) yay
Not bad really lol although i shouldnt eat all that really.. i will get fat.....!! ha ha ha ha (NEVER)
Saturday, April 24
It's Such A Perfect Day...
And i am glad i am feeling so much better than i did yesterday!!!
Yesterday i had a god awful headache and i was sick aswel.. NO fun!
I have not got much to update, except i am feeling bit down in the dumps and bit annoyed about 'Pathways' which is this course thing i HAVE to do on ESA - I emailed the woman i saw to let her know what was going on with Ectopic Pregnancy when i first had the injections on the 26th Feb, and i never had a response, i believe the only letter i had was telling me i missed it - and i am sure i never had another appointment gave to me? or even if i did i wouldnt had got it on time, or i was in hospital.. it wasnt my fault. i told her at the time i prefered to be contacted via email or text - there was nothing stopping her telling me there was a letter on the way, or even better send me a copy of the bloody letter via email!
and yet I am now in trouble (i think) for it but i have no idea why.. i had my money stopped for about 2 months between feb & 2 weeks ago and i assumed that i was on the appeal and that i wasnt being seen etc. or i wasnt involved in pathways no more as i never heard from the woman again despite emailing her.. and then out of the blue i find out she has been ringing me and i bloody missed 'em because they've rung me up on with held (which i dont answer thanks to a complete idiot you know who you are) or my phone was off because again of the idiot!
I just dont understand why all this crap happens to me, nothing is ever easy, nothing is ever simple anymore! and i had gone onto ESA for extra support into getting me back into work safely after the problems i have had over the years with people & my mental health.. and yet after the phone call with her yesterday i felt kinda upset, and disapointed when i tried to explain what had happened i had the attitude:
"well its not me its effecting"
..I mean talk about bloody rude! she knew i have my phone on silent because its easier for me, and she knew i rather be texted than phoned or emailed - so why did she choose to ignore me and ring my mobile instead, i will never know!
Still.. least i got my sick note sent in, i just dont have a clue whatsoever on what to do about her and the course anymore!
I am still waiting to find out if i am gonna be able to get on to this STEPPS programme with the Bedale Centre which is a course enabled for people in need of better coping mechanisms etc.
But then again i have not actually seen him since poss beginning Feb...?
- again that was due to the Ectopic Pregnancy and being in and out of hospital for Blood Tests, Scans, Examinations etc.
Still.. only time will tell i guess..
Friday, April 2
Drip Drip Drop Little April Showers...
Nice weather for the ducks they say...
Well i for one LOVE it! i love watching the rain fall down the windows and listening to it when it hits the window ... there is nothing quite relaxing about the rain! =)
...Today i have been thinking loads about ALL the problems thats going on around me, well at least one of them i can sort out which should make things more easier and better for myself.. (hopefully) but then will have to wait and see.
Other thing is what i am going to do about myself... i have pretty much been indoors alot at the moment, due to no moneys *boohoo* was hoping to have had my money on yesterday but nothing, and nothing again today - talk about unfair! i rung up Monday too.. told me 3 working days, so that would had made it yesterday, but i guess they never bothered to catch up with their "email" meh.. well least i got few things to be sold on Ebay which might make things bit better and help in a small way - hopefully..
Plus the few bits i am selling, i no longer use and just sitting around collecting dust... so least i make little bit monies and also the bits i no longer use are being sent to new and good homes - so thats always a plus plus plus!!
Things really need to change in my life.. but at first i need to desperatly start to get over the Ectopic Pregnancy and try to think positive about it, but it is difficult when i been feeling strange about myself for the last few days, just silly little things.. but it doesnt help i aint really seen my mental health counciler person Kevin! i missed two of his appointments in March first being the Methotrexate injection and the second being i was in pissing hospital.. but unfortantly none of them could be avoided but i should had really rung up 2 weeks ago when i got out of the hospital so i had the appointment ready - but as usual for me i dont think of things like that that far ahead - oops!
Well i for one LOVE it! i love watching the rain fall down the windows and listening to it when it hits the window ... there is nothing quite relaxing about the rain! =)
...Today i have been thinking loads about ALL the problems thats going on around me, well at least one of them i can sort out which should make things more easier and better for myself.. (hopefully) but then will have to wait and see.
Other thing is what i am going to do about myself... i have pretty much been indoors alot at the moment, due to no moneys *boohoo* was hoping to have had my money on yesterday but nothing, and nothing again today - talk about unfair! i rung up Monday too.. told me 3 working days, so that would had made it yesterday, but i guess they never bothered to catch up with their "email" meh.. well least i got few things to be sold on Ebay which might make things bit better and help in a small way - hopefully..
Plus the few bits i am selling, i no longer use and just sitting around collecting dust... so least i make little bit monies and also the bits i no longer use are being sent to new and good homes - so thats always a plus plus plus!!
Things really need to change in my life.. but at first i need to desperatly start to get over the Ectopic Pregnancy and try to think positive about it, but it is difficult when i been feeling strange about myself for the last few days, just silly little things.. but it doesnt help i aint really seen my mental health counciler person Kevin! i missed two of his appointments in March first being the Methotrexate injection and the second being i was in pissing hospital.. but unfortantly none of them could be avoided but i should had really rung up 2 weeks ago when i got out of the hospital so i had the appointment ready - but as usual for me i dont think of things like that that far ahead - oops!
Tuesday, March 9
Today i loose my mind..
I just had my first break down in a long while..
I feel so angry, tense and i just wanna rip my skin off my body.. i just feel so alone today and fed up and i just dont know what to do to make anything better anymore
I have just got really angry and scared myself and spent the best part of the last hour or so crying, i hate having this bpd its no fun anymore.. i hate it but i am scared to sort it out because i hate change!
I feel as though everyone forgets about me, i am invisible to the world and no one likes me anymore!
I cant help who i am...
I feel so angry, tense and i just wanna rip my skin off my body.. i just feel so alone today and fed up and i just dont know what to do to make anything better anymore
I have just got really angry and scared myself and spent the best part of the last hour or so crying, i hate having this bpd its no fun anymore.. i hate it but i am scared to sort it out because i hate change!
I feel as though everyone forgets about me, i am invisible to the world and no one likes me anymore!
I cant help who i am...
Wednesday, December 16
Pure Madness...
my my my...!
what a couple of days.. talk about crazy and completly weird.
I still aint coping with my emotions, temper, frustrations, anger etc. its complete madness, i just wish i knew where to start and where i was going what to do etc. but unfortunatly no one sees just what i do go through and it aint fair anymore! i wish someone could just realise and see whats going on and open their eyes and realise that i am not getting better and i do neeed help! - in some respects i cannot moan too much, i mean i am seeing Kevin when i can and he aint too busy and well when i am up for going etc. and now i am waiting on seeing a lady at the surgery who will help with my depression and anxiety side of my problems, whereas i have mentioned a few times before that kevin is my BPD (borderline personality disorder) side of the mental health things!
i cant seem to settle on something at the moment either, i am either trying to keep the relationship from falling apart or i am trying to sabbotage it by causing problems, but i just dont know how to handle these situations and what i need to do in times of crisis's and stuff like that, because for the last few years i have spent every moment of it bottling everything up and then i sit in my room on my own like idiot for hours on end until i feel i can show my face again, i did have counciling once, i saw a lady at bognor hospital when i was 15/16 but that didnt really do much, but where i am afraid to open up half the time, i think i only went 6 times out of the year or something, i just couldnt bare it.. plus i didnt really wanna go to the hospital alone as hospitals are big and scary - people die there etc. - silly i know but it is also true.
i have spent pretty much the last few days believing in things and wanting answers that i aint sure are there, i aint sure if i am just paranoid or there really is something going on and i cant put my finger on what, i just feel like everyone around me is making excuses, lying and covering things up.. but i dont know what or why.
also for the last few weeks, months, i have felt really unwanted, by numberous of people - not that they will agree with me, they think that i being silly etc. but i am sure and positive i am not. i mean if i was wanted why arent people bothering with me anymore, i used to get loads of texts a day - and now the only text i get is from 1 person and thats pretty much it, it is really sad and i feel like failure pretty much all the time, but it is hard when i have spent most of my life trying to make friends, trying to fit in and nothing seems to work and no one seems to be interested even though i have warned people about my problems, but i guess people still think i am a crazy nutty person with no life because i sit in doors all day - but it aint like i want to, really i dont, i just cant face going out alone with no where to go no one to see and what with having aboslutley no money makes it that bit harder.. because even if i did want to go out i cant because i cant do what i really wanted to do! and i cant admit that bcoz its very stupid and crazy and i dont really want people to think worse of me than they do already and it aint fair really.. i am fed up with being judged etc. for having a problem, yeah i have mental health issues.. doesnt mean that i cant have friend etc. since i admitted i had it, i only had one lady talk to me about it, she is called Stephanie, she emailed me from my In A Lonely Place website, and to have someone similar to me, and also in Bognor was a big thing for me, very over whelming i never thought that i would find someone.. and i am happy no exatactic that i have got someone to talk to now, and its just a big scarey world with no idea what i am going to be like from one day to the next, its like someone is living in my head with a switch that gets flicked on and off in my head that makes me be mean, rude, angry, weird, hyper, sad, depressed etc. i just wish there was something i could do or at least someone could do to help me! :(
what a couple of days.. talk about crazy and completly weird.
I still aint coping with my emotions, temper, frustrations, anger etc. its complete madness, i just wish i knew where to start and where i was going what to do etc. but unfortunatly no one sees just what i do go through and it aint fair anymore! i wish someone could just realise and see whats going on and open their eyes and realise that i am not getting better and i do neeed help! - in some respects i cannot moan too much, i mean i am seeing Kevin when i can and he aint too busy and well when i am up for going etc. and now i am waiting on seeing a lady at the surgery who will help with my depression and anxiety side of my problems, whereas i have mentioned a few times before that kevin is my BPD (borderline personality disorder) side of the mental health things!
i cant seem to settle on something at the moment either, i am either trying to keep the relationship from falling apart or i am trying to sabbotage it by causing problems, but i just dont know how to handle these situations and what i need to do in times of crisis's and stuff like that, because for the last few years i have spent every moment of it bottling everything up and then i sit in my room on my own like idiot for hours on end until i feel i can show my face again, i did have counciling once, i saw a lady at bognor hospital when i was 15/16 but that didnt really do much, but where i am afraid to open up half the time, i think i only went 6 times out of the year or something, i just couldnt bare it.. plus i didnt really wanna go to the hospital alone as hospitals are big and scary - people die there etc. - silly i know but it is also true.
i have spent pretty much the last few days believing in things and wanting answers that i aint sure are there, i aint sure if i am just paranoid or there really is something going on and i cant put my finger on what, i just feel like everyone around me is making excuses, lying and covering things up.. but i dont know what or why.
also for the last few weeks, months, i have felt really unwanted, by numberous of people - not that they will agree with me, they think that i being silly etc. but i am sure and positive i am not. i mean if i was wanted why arent people bothering with me anymore, i used to get loads of texts a day - and now the only text i get is from 1 person and thats pretty much it, it is really sad and i feel like failure pretty much all the time, but it is hard when i have spent most of my life trying to make friends, trying to fit in and nothing seems to work and no one seems to be interested even though i have warned people about my problems, but i guess people still think i am a crazy nutty person with no life because i sit in doors all day - but it aint like i want to, really i dont, i just cant face going out alone with no where to go no one to see and what with having aboslutley no money makes it that bit harder.. because even if i did want to go out i cant because i cant do what i really wanted to do! and i cant admit that bcoz its very stupid and crazy and i dont really want people to think worse of me than they do already and it aint fair really.. i am fed up with being judged etc. for having a problem, yeah i have mental health issues.. doesnt mean that i cant have friend etc. since i admitted i had it, i only had one lady talk to me about it, she is called Stephanie, she emailed me from my In A Lonely Place website, and to have someone similar to me, and also in Bognor was a big thing for me, very over whelming i never thought that i would find someone.. and i am happy no exatactic that i have got someone to talk to now, and its just a big scarey world with no idea what i am going to be like from one day to the next, its like someone is living in my head with a switch that gets flicked on and off in my head that makes me be mean, rude, angry, weird, hyper, sad, depressed etc. i just wish there was something i could do or at least someone could do to help me! :(
..this was a random picture i just created using a random status on the application on facebook called Status Shuffle..
Tuesday, December 15
oh what a morning..
ok its almost 9am.. and for some reason i am awake, and more miserable and upset than i was yesterday!
i feel today as though i shouldnt had got up, and stayed in bed asleep.. then i wont cause anyone any problems then will i!
..i was meant to have my medical today for my ESA Benefit, but i cancelled as wasnt feeling well and well, because i feel the way i do NOW well way i have been past couple of days, - really depressed.
Yeah, i am awake now, i could had gone blah blah blah - but thing is, i couldnt really find anyone to take me to Portsmouth... silly really, i used to go to Yorkshire, Preston, Didcot, etc. by my self.. and now, a few years later i wont even walk out the front door unless someone is with me! - what the hell is that all about!?
i just dont understand as to how and why i became this, i really really dont! it is mega crazy yet noone seems to understand that, and most people think i should just 'snap out of it' and well maybe the people who feel that should spend the day with me, no wait actually live with me, but funny how they are the people who do not come and see me on a regular occasion, no, they are people now who dont bother at all.
shame really, well more of a shame that all the people who said they would help.. aren't talking me anymore, not texting, or arranging to see me anymore! - yeah so i wouldnt had gone out, but still.. it would be nice to feel wanted bit more then maybe i might actually wanna show my face in society - but until that day comes when i am confident enough to be on my own - i just have to stay alone, isolated with no one to talk to, no one who cares, that sorta thing!
...man i wish i knew how to cope with this BPD thing...!!!
i feel today as though i shouldnt had got up, and stayed in bed asleep.. then i wont cause anyone any problems then will i!
..i was meant to have my medical today for my ESA Benefit, but i cancelled as wasnt feeling well and well, because i feel the way i do NOW well way i have been past couple of days, - really depressed.
Yeah, i am awake now, i could had gone blah blah blah - but thing is, i couldnt really find anyone to take me to Portsmouth... silly really, i used to go to Yorkshire, Preston, Didcot, etc. by my self.. and now, a few years later i wont even walk out the front door unless someone is with me! - what the hell is that all about!?
i just dont understand as to how and why i became this, i really really dont! it is mega crazy yet noone seems to understand that, and most people think i should just 'snap out of it' and well maybe the people who feel that should spend the day with me, no wait actually live with me, but funny how they are the people who do not come and see me on a regular occasion, no, they are people now who dont bother at all.
shame really, well more of a shame that all the people who said they would help.. aren't talking me anymore, not texting, or arranging to see me anymore! - yeah so i wouldnt had gone out, but still.. it would be nice to feel wanted bit more then maybe i might actually wanna show my face in society - but until that day comes when i am confident enough to be on my own - i just have to stay alone, isolated with no one to talk to, no one who cares, that sorta thing!
...man i wish i knew how to cope with this BPD thing...!!!
Monday, December 14
oh what a night..
after surviving on just 3 hours sleep, i am starting to cave..
i am so miserable, so down, stressed, frustrated, annoyed, alone, hurt, fed up everything.. i dont even really have an idea or a clue as to why i feel like this! - it really really sucks..
i felt ok-ish watching A Muppets Christmas Carol - i love the film, its just a shame that in films they make everything and everyone happy.. when it aint always the case in real life.. i guess i kind of wish that my life was a fairytale.. least i would always have a happy ending..right!?
..i dont know what is going to happen with Christmas this year, i mean i am 22, getting old, and christmas just aint what it used to be anymore, i see people all around me with their kids, or having kids, or just generally doing 'alright' for themselves, and there is me, the same idiotic person i always have been and nothing and no one will change that i bet.
a part of me really feels like i dont want this borderline personality disorder, i just cant always handle my emotions or handle the outcome or even know how to deal with them, for the simple reason i aint exactly got my head around everything, it aint sunk in nothing..
i found my friends baby scans and little wrist band things they wear.. and it broke my heart - not that i am jealous - well maybe a little .. but because i know i am never going to have the experience of having a child, i am pretty sure that i cannot have them, so i have not bothered in persuing it because it would only get me down more than i am already, and well people say that when they have a child that it changes them for better and often not, mind you i would be crap looking after someone else, i cant even look after myself half the time! :(
apart of me really wishes i could change all this, and apart of me wants everything to be better, but i am also scared because i will have to do it all on my own, and i aint really sure if i am strong enough to cope anymore. i cant even remember to bring in the milk on a monday/wedensday/friday from outside, i am scared to go out on my own.. and i dont even know why.. and there are numberous things going round and round in and out in and out i just cant deal with all the confusion, emotion and everything else running through my mind..
i picked up a card from the doctors surgery last week, for the Samaratains.. maybe i should get in touch with them and find someone to talk to!? i just feel today that i cannot cope.. and i really strongly feel i am unwanted too..
i just dont understand why tonight all i wanna do is hide away, curl up in a ball n die, and i guess i feel as though i am fading into the background!
..i guess i wish i had friends, someone to talk to, someone to keep me sane, someone to help me.. i even tried posting out a link to a group page i made up on facebook about my problems and to seek help in other people and for them to gain help from me etc. but most of the friends on my facebook list just declined the page without taking a look or having a second thought, even the people i knew and used to hang out with months ago do not bother with me anymore, and why...? i aint got a clue, one girl said she come over for the afternoon/evening and spend time with me catch up etc. and she said she was going to the shop, within half an hour she claimed she was ill and had to go back to bed.. and i have not spoke to her since.. and this was around a couple of months ago now!
...why am i such a threat or why cant people stand to be around me anymore?! really feel out of place and lonely no matter where i am or who i am with! :(
i am so miserable, so down, stressed, frustrated, annoyed, alone, hurt, fed up everything.. i dont even really have an idea or a clue as to why i feel like this! - it really really sucks..
i felt ok-ish watching A Muppets Christmas Carol - i love the film, its just a shame that in films they make everything and everyone happy.. when it aint always the case in real life.. i guess i kind of wish that my life was a fairytale.. least i would always have a happy ending..right!?
..i dont know what is going to happen with Christmas this year, i mean i am 22, getting old, and christmas just aint what it used to be anymore, i see people all around me with their kids, or having kids, or just generally doing 'alright' for themselves, and there is me, the same idiotic person i always have been and nothing and no one will change that i bet.
a part of me really feels like i dont want this borderline personality disorder, i just cant always handle my emotions or handle the outcome or even know how to deal with them, for the simple reason i aint exactly got my head around everything, it aint sunk in nothing..
i found my friends baby scans and little wrist band things they wear.. and it broke my heart - not that i am jealous - well maybe a little .. but because i know i am never going to have the experience of having a child, i am pretty sure that i cannot have them, so i have not bothered in persuing it because it would only get me down more than i am already, and well people say that when they have a child that it changes them for better and often not, mind you i would be crap looking after someone else, i cant even look after myself half the time! :(
apart of me really wishes i could change all this, and apart of me wants everything to be better, but i am also scared because i will have to do it all on my own, and i aint really sure if i am strong enough to cope anymore. i cant even remember to bring in the milk on a monday/wedensday/friday from outside, i am scared to go out on my own.. and i dont even know why.. and there are numberous things going round and round in and out in and out i just cant deal with all the confusion, emotion and everything else running through my mind..
i picked up a card from the doctors surgery last week, for the Samaratains.. maybe i should get in touch with them and find someone to talk to!? i just feel today that i cannot cope.. and i really strongly feel i am unwanted too..
i just dont understand why tonight all i wanna do is hide away, curl up in a ball n die, and i guess i feel as though i am fading into the background!
..i guess i wish i had friends, someone to talk to, someone to keep me sane, someone to help me.. i even tried posting out a link to a group page i made up on facebook about my problems and to seek help in other people and for them to gain help from me etc. but most of the friends on my facebook list just declined the page without taking a look or having a second thought, even the people i knew and used to hang out with months ago do not bother with me anymore, and why...? i aint got a clue, one girl said she come over for the afternoon/evening and spend time with me catch up etc. and she said she was going to the shop, within half an hour she claimed she was ill and had to go back to bed.. and i have not spoke to her since.. and this was around a couple of months ago now!
...why am i such a threat or why cant people stand to be around me anymore?! really feel out of place and lonely no matter where i am or who i am with! :(
Sunday, December 13
13th december - 5 months till i 23!!
oh dear, i realized that today is exactly 5 months now till my 23rd birthday.. how bad does that suck!?
i mean, i look at my self now and what i used to be like and i just feel like a failure each and every year!! nothing ever changes for me, i am still the same idiot who jacked her job in because of the problems i was having in my personal life and the ones at work i was picked on by a couple of people and i still don't know why till this day why they did what they did .. so thanks to them i lost my confidence and i ended up ruining all the chances i had at card factory, but i would had ended up being sacked if i hadn't had left, i know i would had been because i kept getting into trouble and i kept having head office 'keeping an eye on me' etc.
i have now been out of a job for over a year now, and when i think about getting back into the 'retail' role or working again i panic, because i messed up whilst i was at card factory, how many more times am i gonna fuck up my working life..!?
i am scared that i am going to sacked or more problems will arise whilst i work and it will then again knock my confidence out again and i have a very low self esteem and very low self worth, i just really am hoping i could be like everyone else.. everyone i know is:
Married, has kids, has a decent relationship with no problems, pregnant, has a life - etc.
i just wish i could fit in i guess, i mean i feel so alone and scared all the time, i just wish that there was something or someone that could make me and everything feel million times better, and may actually want to make my life worth living and stuff.. but it just sucks because i am to scared to do something about it.
which is why i am on ESA - employment support allowance - they are meant to help people like me get back into work and hopefully they will help me more than what being on JSA - job seekers allowance - was, as they wasn't interested in anything but finding out information and signing book and your on your way...
maybe i am asking too much of people, and asking everyone to help me when i should be able to help myself, i just feel so dependable on one other person to be there for me to help me when i fall and be there when i need them,
why have i become this!? it sucks!
Saturday, December 12
December 12th
still recovering from yesterday with my 'counsiler' Kevin .. and i am hopefully going to start looking into the STEPPS programme.. hopefully it aint too complicated for me and i can easily read it - i am bit slow!
i have started my day off with a 'to do list' which i follow pretty much every day when i remember to write one, as i usually forget something important during the day.. silly really.. but unfortunatly i am bit of a div lol
i have a new website well a couple of new websites that i am planning to run, including my other 3 and including running around 7 blogs on this website - trying to keep myself busy although i am probably going the wrong way about it !?
there are lists within my blog for my other websites, so be sure to check them out! but the new two i am running now are based upon my life so thats at In A Lonely Place. i am going to link this blog and my other poetry blog because these are my thoughts and daily diary that i wanted to share to help others, and to gain a little help myself.
my other website i have done based upon Recipes.. i have a few of my own that i have made with friends, most of them i can remember however something difficult like the Lancashire Hot Pot i learnt to make with my now ex boyfriends mum, oh and i learnt to make Lasagne and Apple Pie! but since that was years ago well 4 to be precise i do not remember now.
I know i need to get some sort of 'structure' in my life, but this stupid anxiety thing i have wrong with me including depression and BPD it makes things difficult because i do not know how i am going to react around strange people, and i dont even know how i am going to react around people i know! silly really.. but not alot of people know about my BPD for the reasons i aint bothered to tell anyone for they dont take much notice of me as i am now.
i have started my day off with a 'to do list' which i follow pretty much every day when i remember to write one, as i usually forget something important during the day.. silly really.. but unfortunatly i am bit of a div lol
i have a new website well a couple of new websites that i am planning to run, including my other 3 and including running around 7 blogs on this website - trying to keep myself busy although i am probably going the wrong way about it !?
there are lists within my blog for my other websites, so be sure to check them out! but the new two i am running now are based upon my life so thats at In A Lonely Place. i am going to link this blog and my other poetry blog because these are my thoughts and daily diary that i wanted to share to help others, and to gain a little help myself.
my other website i have done based upon Recipes.. i have a few of my own that i have made with friends, most of them i can remember however something difficult like the Lancashire Hot Pot i learnt to make with my now ex boyfriends mum, oh and i learnt to make Lasagne and Apple Pie! but since that was years ago well 4 to be precise i do not remember now.
I know i need to get some sort of 'structure' in my life, but this stupid anxiety thing i have wrong with me including depression and BPD it makes things difficult because i do not know how i am going to react around strange people, and i dont even know how i am going to react around people i know! silly really.. but not alot of people know about my BPD for the reasons i aint bothered to tell anyone for they dont take much notice of me as i am now.
Kevin .. I Guess You Can Call Him My Counsiler?
today was my appointment to see Kevin at our doctors surgery.
i didnt really want to go i just felt so let down by the bedale centre that i couldnt really face going... but me mom made me go *sigh*
we were late because of traffic.. my appointment was at 3:20pm and i was not seen until 4pm to which took an hour..!
i told him what had been going on over the last few weeks, he asked me why i stopped taking my citalopram anti depressants - so i told him what i felt and that they were not working for me..
also admitted i ask for further help from the surgery - but again i got upset because i didnt actually know what i wanted the help for or why.. was very difficult for me 2 explain.
he had also told me that the bedale centre had written to the gp and not me, saying something along the line of:
"samantha is showing traits to bpd and has trauma from the past. i feel that samantha will not require no more help from bedale unless stated otherwise she can be refered back if cause for concern"
i was really annoyed.. everyone say its clear i have bpd from how i act, what i do and how i behave etc. but for some reason the 'consultant' thinks and feels different otherwise.
i have to look up about a programe called STEPPS which is a course with the bedale centre to help with my problems and i guess learn!? to be honest i have not got much clue about it, until i read up on it!
was bit emotional with it all today.
i bought some more chocolate, not alot mind as i gave some 2 my sister and my mum for helping me and taking me up the sugery.
been chilling out as much as i could this evening, and just kept myself to my self.. had chinese for tea - well kind of chinese i had was just chicken balls and chips and thats all i seem to want to eat from the Chinese we go to now lol so i am happy with chicken balls and chips! - seriously beigninning to think i am a very cheap date lol
i didnt really want to go i just felt so let down by the bedale centre that i couldnt really face going... but me mom made me go *sigh*
we were late because of traffic.. my appointment was at 3:20pm and i was not seen until 4pm to which took an hour..!
i told him what had been going on over the last few weeks, he asked me why i stopped taking my citalopram anti depressants - so i told him what i felt and that they were not working for me..
also admitted i ask for further help from the surgery - but again i got upset because i didnt actually know what i wanted the help for or why.. was very difficult for me 2 explain.
he had also told me that the bedale centre had written to the gp and not me, saying something along the line of:
"samantha is showing traits to bpd and has trauma from the past. i feel that samantha will not require no more help from bedale unless stated otherwise she can be refered back if cause for concern"
i was really annoyed.. everyone say its clear i have bpd from how i act, what i do and how i behave etc. but for some reason the 'consultant' thinks and feels different otherwise.
i have to look up about a programe called STEPPS which is a course with the bedale centre to help with my problems and i guess learn!? to be honest i have not got much clue about it, until i read up on it!
was bit emotional with it all today.
i bought some more chocolate, not alot mind as i gave some 2 my sister and my mum for helping me and taking me up the sugery.
been chilling out as much as i could this evening, and just kept myself to my self.. had chinese for tea - well kind of chinese i had was just chicken balls and chips and thats all i seem to want to eat from the Chinese we go to now lol so i am happy with chicken balls and chips! - seriously beigninning to think i am a very cheap date lol
Friday, December 11
Website..
tonight i created a new website and i called it this:
i did this to share my problems with everyone over the internet as there are thousands of searches done a day about mental health, and i felt if i had my page out there i could draw people in and let people know that they have someone like me to talk to as i know what they are going through etc.
i hope that you will check it out and let me know what the thoughts and feelings are about this website. cheers
Wednesday, December 9
Sertraline...
Today is my first day on taking these new anti depressants, i am bit nervous about taking them as i never heard of them and even though i have read the packing (which really i probably hadnt) i am worried about the symptoms etc.
hopefully i am just overreacting - so fingers crossed there are some changes..
.. ok here goes .. down the 'hatchet' with me blackcurrant drink ..
and swallowed... i have to take these now for the next 2 weeks and i have to go back to doctor in 2 weeks time to see how i am getting on etc. - basic check up i guess?
i dunno.. i such a silly fool sometimes, but still. i was same with taking Fluoxetine last year, and i was funny about taking the citalopram ones in 2006 - when i first started them.. and then came off within a couple of months - oops!
really i nead to LEARN how to keep at the tablets, but i just worried i become too dependant on them, or i be on them a very long time, i have heard about people who have been taking them for well over a decade and there dependant on them etc. maybe i just being paranoid!?
Tuesday, December 8
8th December... Doctors
well today i had decided that i should ring the doctors - partly because i forgot to yesterday... with all the upheave that was going on and happening during the course of the afternoon/day.. and then friends popping over as they owed me some pennies and then falling asleep for a couple of hours and then trying to contain my self for evening as i was bored... even tried to work out how to order a pizza but that went down the pan as kept getting confused as to how it works etc.
(never ordered a pizza in my life - as someone else has always done it for me)
i am bit nervous about the doctors this afternoon, as i am positive i am going to get told off or something or moaned at and then talked to etc. because i stopped taking my medications and stuff like that, but this time i think i need it changed as Citalopram wasnt working for me, i couldnt get on with them and nothing changed in the last 2 months hense why i stopped taking them again.
also i am going to have to find out what other support is available to me out there, because the bedale centre have let me down completly over this "assessment" i was meant to have, and i am positive and sure that there is something wrong with me, but it is putting the fingers as to where the problems are and what they are!
some say its:
Borderline Personality Disorder (PDB)
OR
BiPolar (manic depression)
BiPolar (manic depression)
...clearly there are many mental health issues that are out there, other than depression - but it is finding the one that better suits 'me' so i know where i stand, i know whats going on, i have support when i need it, there are people around other than the little family i have around me and my friends to help me. i need professional help and support, but it is finding someone willing to listen and diagnos me and my problems properly.
Hopefully today i should get some more of an idea of what to expect, and hope that i can get the doctors to push the bedale centre, or at least get me in there for a second oppinion!?
...also i need to sort out my money as christmas is now fast approaching, and i cannot afford to have another christmas where i cannot buy my family something.
clearly i should had gone to jobcentre for another crisis loan, but i already took out 2 and i am supposed to be paying them off also, but due to no funds or money coming in they have had to stop - oops!
fingers crossed for a better outcome from the doctors other than what i have receieved from the last few weeks from the bedale centre!
Monday, December 7
December 7th
had another sleepless night last night, slept for a couple of hours earlier on this afternoon for a couple of hours and now i am wide awake, so i got up to watch some films, at the moment i have got on Hercules (Disney) because my dvd of Dogma is warped - dunno what it really means, but i guess it could be short hand for it is buggered!?
i had this idea in my head that i would dig out ALL my Disney Christmas dvds - but then i couldnt remember where i put them, as for once this month i have wanted to watch christmas dvds! lol
i have been feeling pretty low again for the last couple of days, i should really get back to the doctors, but i just dont think the 'drugs' are working! :(
i tried to take my mind off things by designing a snazzy christmas layout for my website.. but i couldnt focus on anything so i gave up within mins.. i have my banner ready and a background, but thats just how far i have got!
i think i might just get onto the bedale centre and see whats going on about me, and see if anyone has decided to help me or not, because if i am honest i just cannot cope with my moods or anything anymore, i have been reading up on the internet, and well there is one of two things it could be:
BIPOLAR - manic depression
BPD (borderline personality disorder) - which is kind of like split personality.
so i dunno what to do or what to think at the moment, there is just so much going on and going round and round my head, that i just wish there was a place for me to get a simple answer and get some help.
i had this idea in my head that i would dig out ALL my Disney Christmas dvds - but then i couldnt remember where i put them, as for once this month i have wanted to watch christmas dvds! lol
i have been feeling pretty low again for the last couple of days, i should really get back to the doctors, but i just dont think the 'drugs' are working! :(
i tried to take my mind off things by designing a snazzy christmas layout for my website.. but i couldnt focus on anything so i gave up within mins.. i have my banner ready and a background, but thats just how far i have got!
i think i might just get onto the bedale centre and see whats going on about me, and see if anyone has decided to help me or not, because if i am honest i just cannot cope with my moods or anything anymore, i have been reading up on the internet, and well there is one of two things it could be:
BIPOLAR - manic depression
BPD (borderline personality disorder) - which is kind of like split personality.
so i dunno what to do or what to think at the moment, there is just so much going on and going round and round my head, that i just wish there was a place for me to get a simple answer and get some help.
Sunday, December 6
6th December..
well i am finally awake and more 'alive' than i was well have been for the past couple of days seen as how i been sleeping pretty much all the time on and off for the last couple of days .. silly really, i know, but i couldnt help it!
things never seem to be going right for me so i just feel like chucking the towels in and giving up on pretty much everything and pretty much everyone.
i wish that someone would have a proper daignosis for me, i been talking to my mate, and he now thinks that there could actually be Bipolar in there now other than BPD (borderline personality disorder) but i just dont know what to do or say because no one is going to listen to me other wise, i mean if people wanted to help then they would have done by now! :(
i dunno.. maybe i have Bipolar maybe i have BPD but still.. why is there no real diagnosis!?
things never seem to be going right for me so i just feel like chucking the towels in and giving up on pretty much everything and pretty much everyone.
i wish that someone would have a proper daignosis for me, i been talking to my mate, and he now thinks that there could actually be Bipolar in there now other than BPD (borderline personality disorder) but i just dont know what to do or say because no one is going to listen to me other wise, i mean if people wanted to help then they would have done by now! :(
i dunno.. maybe i have Bipolar maybe i have BPD but still.. why is there no real diagnosis!?
Sleeping Beauty...?
I am finally awake due to spending the full day in bed sleeping, i have eaten in between waking up and falling asleep drinking also, it is weird as to how i keep doing it.
one min i am awake wondering around slightly and then going back to bed and then i fall asleep i sit somewhere else and i feel my head dropping whilst sitting and then i fall asleep in a matter of moments.
pretty weird as i have never spent the day sleeping before, i believe.. it was sort of like i was ill but i wasnt so much ill more self inflicted!?
i am hoping to have a bacon sarnie soon, as i have eaten quite bit through out the course of my awakness and sleepyness...
one min i am awake wondering around slightly and then going back to bed and then i fall asleep i sit somewhere else and i feel my head dropping whilst sitting and then i fall asleep in a matter of moments.
pretty weird as i have never spent the day sleeping before, i believe.. it was sort of like i was ill but i wasnt so much ill more self inflicted!?
i am hoping to have a bacon sarnie soon, as i have eaten quite bit through out the course of my awakness and sleepyness...
Saturday, December 5
why...
god why is it nothing ever seems to ever go right for me any more i just dont understand any of this it is unbelievable!
i just really wanna give up on everything and everyone i cant even get an assessment right, i can get a boyfriend, i aint good looking, i aint normal i aint nothing to anyone!!! i just cant take this anymore! why is it always me that gets left behind and never able to have or live an normal life i just feel it aint fair anymore and that i am just sitting here dying slowly inside, i have nothing left.. i just feel empty
i just really wanna give up on everything and everyone i cant even get an assessment right, i can get a boyfriend, i aint good looking, i aint normal i aint nothing to anyone!!! i just cant take this anymore! why is it always me that gets left behind and never able to have or live an normal life i just feel it aint fair anymore and that i am just sitting here dying slowly inside, i have nothing left.. i just feel empty
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