10 Years Since I Lost My Baby...

Today marks the 10th year that I lost my baby through an Ectopic Pregnancy. I have wrote about this in the past on here but I also write more to my other blog that I started when I first had the methotrexate injection to terminate the pregnancy in hopes to save my tube. Unfortunately this was not the case and within 2 weeks my tube had ruptured so I then lost both the baby and my tube.

This pregnancy and baby was very much wanted. I have always wanted to be a mum and have a family of my own and it is a shame that it ended in the way it did. I don't think that it helped with the hospital being unsure as I was first treated as a suspected miscarriage at first. Then I was in and out of hospital for blood tests, scans and examinations. They also believed that during one of my blood tests they felt the baby could be a normal pregnancy because of the way the hormone levels had grown within 48 hours. But I kept having scans and bloods done and the fact the baby was still growing but they couldn't see it that is when they decided that it was an ectopic pregnancy and which is why I opted to have an injection which is called Methotrexate to stop the pregnancy from growing as I did not want to have surgery there and then. I just didn't know that it was going to continue growing as I was unable to get to have my last blood test done as I kept paying out for bus tickets to go back and forth to the hospital and no one could take me and I was having issues with an idiot contacting me solidly that I ended up ignoring ALL the unknown numbers and not knowing that one of them was actually the hospital until a few days later when I had credit to check my answerphone and that wasn't until I had ended up in hospital this day 10 years ago.

I do not remember much of this day but that is because it all happened so fast and I did not have time to process the situation. I mean I know what happened because I remember having to get another ambulance to the hospital by myself as I was in so much pain and had no way of getting to the hospital but my mum had met me there. I remember bits of what happened when I first got there and having a nurse kinda shrugging it off thinking that it was just a urine infection or something and then when I was seen by a doctor he was really mean to me. I remember him asking me to lay down but kept saying I couldn't and then he tried to force me to lay down and I got upset because it hurt that much not long after that my gynecologist came down to do an inspection and realized what was going on and I was given morphine for the pain and plugged up to machines. I had to wait in A&E for a while before I eventually got taken up to the wards which is when they did a emergency scan to see what was going on and within 30mins of being put on the ward I was taken straight away to theater.

To this day I still don't fully know or understand what actually happened that day. When I got brought round I remember my mum, dad, sister & her bf at the time and my uncle being there when I woke up. I wasn't quite with it when I came round as was groggy and still sleepy. I had doctors come round to see me but the one I do remember is someone coming in to ask what they was meant to do with my baby because they couldn't find the paperwork I had signed but I didn't question it I just said I filled loads of paperwork in but didn't know what it was as I was rushed off so quickly.
The next day my mum and sister came to see me and so did my boyfriend at the time which was good.. My dad came to see me in the evening and brought one of my cousins with me as no other family members wanted to come and see me. My brother was in Bristol with his girlfriend at the time but he still kept in touch and I saw him when he came back. I also remember being on a ward with a few older ladies. One of the younger ladies who was also on the ward was leaving the day after I had the surgery and she gave me her remaining days of telly that she had brought so I could still watch tv during day/evening which was really lovely of her. I stayed in from the 15th to the 18th or 19th March. Wasn't fun I ended up going home with my mum for a week and my boyfriend at the time came over to see me few times and even went back to him after the week I spent at home.

I remember my first shower at home I had to get my mum to help me as I couldn't get my incisions wet. That was a task and a half lol especially where the downstairs bathroom was so small but she helped me. Although she did scare me when it came to taking off my bandages as one of the incisions looked infected so I had to go to my doctors for a check up so I could hand in my discharge letter at the same time. I also had to book myself back in there for more blood tests to check and make sure everything went back to "normal" meaning my hormone and my iron levels etc as I had lost a lot of blood so I had to have a blood transfusion which I didn't realise till after.

I have been told that I can have access to my hospital records if I wanted too but they also have the right to refuse the access if you have mental health issues. And where I have BPD, depression and anxiety issues I don't think they'd allow me to know anything I am not sure I haven't looked into it since I last tried to look into this.
Recently I went to the doctors for issues with my periods again and I mentioned that I had my left fallopian tube removed via laparoscopic operation and she asked if they saw anything then and I said I did not know as it never got mentioned and she checked the discharge letter that I was given to take to my doctor and she said that it was very vague and only states that they removed my left fallopian tube that was it. I am not sure if the doctors have access to my hospital records I never thought of asking until now *doh* but it is something that I need to address and I think it's time I found out the truth and learn what happened properly.

I feel a little disappointed that not many people have remembered or even mentioned it since. I have been through my memories on facebook and there was quite few people who used to message me or comment on my wall to let me know they was thinking about me without being reminded. The only 2 people who have contacted me off their own backs was my mum she text me yesterday to see how I was doing and will be popping in but not sure when I am waiting to hear. The 2nd person is my best friend who has only been in my life for around 8 years give or take but the friends who have been in my life a lot longer haven't bothered to check up on me.
But perhaps that is my own fault for not continuing to talk about it I'm not sure. I just know that not everyone wants to know or read about it because as people used to say to me that everyone goes through it but I have to admit I was told "everyone goes through it" but the issue I have is that I still don't know anyone who has gone through it because it is fairly rare compared to the other pregnancy losses. I am in different groups on facebook to do with ectopic pregnancy but I don't know any of them.

If you want to read more about what I have been through then please head on over to Life After My Ectopic Pregnancy. (link opens in new window)

Its Been 2 Weeks..

Since my operation and suprisingly i am OK - which is strange when i have seen loads of people on various Ectopic Pregnancy groups on facebook...

But all i can say about that is i guess i had no choice in the matter, i was told if i didnt have the methotrexate injection then it would end in complications but due to the endless amounts of calls from some idiot i ignored the hospital & doctors whom was trying to ring me to have my blood test done to work out if i need the second injection - which is then what lead me up into my tube rupturing and having to have that removed along with the 12w fetus growing there..

I guess i kinda feel angry, as it could had been avoided - but in some ways i am relieved incase it had happened again and it was in the left again - but i would had never known that my tube was damaged (to which i still am not aware what from) i just feel kind of mixed up - maybe the reason why i have been "ok" is because i am putting a front on so people cant see what i am really going through,  because i sure as hell know no one on my facebook is really interested in whats going on or whats happened... including some of my family!

But now, after keeping this page for the last 4/5 months i am now in threat to remove it because some idiot knows what i wrote about her - but thing is, everything i have said is true! and now im being told that she is going to do the same to me "to see how i like it" - thing is i aint really done anything wrong to her, all she knows is the stuff that Tim has told her over the last 2 years - so all she is going to do is gain attention for something that really isnt true - so if you are reading this:

*then good luck to you, i dont much care! because i know what i really am and what i have done, and well good luck to you because at end of the day all you have is very little truth and very little on the facts! *

I just dont understand how some person can be adamant to ruin someones life, if i had left then what would happen - nothing, either that or got her own way to shut her up as goes on and on despite having pretty much told for the last 3 months she is not longer wanted....!!!

anyway enough of the little mental person - i am not going to let IT ruin my life anymore, she has done enough damage the last 2 years!

.... I really need to focus on me, or at least my family as we are still being ripped to shreads..

why does something that seems to be OK for so many years end up with everything shattered...?

its hardly fair anymore

What A Week...

Sunday 14th March was Mothers Day... it wasnt so bad, i wasnt sad too much because obviously i lost my baby on the 26th of feb.. so i spent the day with my other half, his 2 kids and his mate.. was lovely, had a fun filled day with laughs and giggles from the kids..
it wasnt until between 11pm and 12am that i started to get severe pains in my side and i felt sick and dizzy.. i went to the loo thinking it was stomach upset.. nothing so i had a bath to try and ease off the pain abit, fell asleep in the bath a couple of times and also took some soluable paracetamol to ease off some of the pain..
went to bed but i couldnt get comfortable due to the pain, eventually i'd fall asleep only to wake up 20-30mins later in agony, it was like it for 4 hours, in the end i gave in and i sat where i felt comfortable (on the toilet :|...) i sat there from 4am to 8am when i got the other half up as i read up on information from IBS & Ectopic Pregnancy... and it turned out the pain i was feeling was my ectopic pregnancy...
i got hold of my mum, told her what was going on an she said to ring ambulence but i wasnt so sure incase i was being bit whats the word... hypocondriact (not sure if spelt right)
but in the end mum was right, and i gave in and got my other half call me an ambulence, so i was rushed off to hospital on the Monday 15th... i ended up being put on morphine and a drip thing and had to wait around ages for something to be done - as usual lol
i had my emergancy operation at half 3 in the afternoon, i was told that i lost 1 litre of blood and i almost died and could had suffered a heart attack...
i came round and was put on the ward around 730pm
i had:
Mum, Dad, Becci (my sister) Alan (becci's boyfriend) & my Uncle Andy waiting for me.. my other half couldnt be there as he still had his son and he had no way of getting to chi.
i spent few days in hospital.. was awful!
i had to use Bed Pans & portable toilets before i could get myself to the bathroom... lol
I came home on the wednesday afternoon with co-codymol, other type pain killers and iron tablets inlcuding a nice big bottle of lactulose! lol
have been spending time at home with my mum, pretty much sleeping on and off... and my other half came to see me at home twice..

at the moment i am focusing on sorting myself out, psyically - as i need to be strong enough to get through this before i get too emotional!

i have a gone too soon page up on the internet
http://baby-osman-hoad.gonetoosoon.org/

i had to update it, as i assumed i had lost it on the 26th feb when i had my termination injection of the methotrexate drug.

I am not in so much pain anymore, more discomfort and achey type feelings.. so i am just relaxing and trying to get myself better =)
i got the help of my Mum, Brother &a Sister oh and not to forget my other half Tim ;) hehe

I have not heard much in way of friends, or family.. had no visitors other than:
Uncle Andy - Mum - Dad - Becci - Alan - my other half Tim -Angela - Ant (my cousin) - this was in hospital
at home i am with Mum - Becci - Dan
My other half Tim & Alan & Kev are the only 3 people who have visited me at home! =(