Website..

tonight i created a new website and i called it this:

In A Lonely Place

i did this to share my problems with everyone over the internet as there are thousands of searches done a day about mental health, and i felt if i had my page out there i could draw people in and let people know that they have someone like me to talk to as i know what they are going through etc.

i hope that you will check it out and let me know what the thoughts and feelings are about this website. cheers

8th December... Doctors

well today i had decided that i should ring the doctors - partly because i forgot to yesterday... with all the upheave that was going on and happening during the course of the afternoon/day.. and then friends popping over as they owed me some pennies and then falling asleep for a couple of hours and then trying to contain my self for evening as i was bored... even tried to work out how to order a pizza but that went down the pan as kept getting confused as to how it works etc.

(never ordered a pizza in my life - as someone else has always done it for me)

i am bit nervous about the doctors this afternoon, as i am positive i am going to get told off or something or moaned at and then talked to etc. because i stopped taking my medications and stuff like that, but this time i think i need it changed as Citalopram wasnt working for me, i couldnt get on with them and nothing changed in the last 2 months hense why i stopped taking them again.

also i am going to have to find out what other support is available to me out there, because the bedale centre have let me down completly over this "assessment" i was meant to have, and i am positive and sure that there is something wrong with me, but it is putting the fingers as to where the problems are and what they are!

some say its:

Borderline Personality Disorder (PDB)

OR
BiPolar (manic depression)

...clearly there are many mental health issues that are out there, other than depression - but it is finding the one that better suits 'me' so i know where i stand, i know whats going on, i have support when i need it, there are people around other than the little family i have around me and my friends to help me. i need professional help and support, but it is finding someone willing to listen and diagnos me and my problems properly.

Hopefully today i should get some more of an idea of what to expect, and hope that i can get the doctors to push the bedale centre, or at least get me in there for a second oppinion!?

...also i need to sort out my money as christmas is now fast approaching, and i cannot afford to have another christmas where i cannot buy my family something.

clearly i should had gone to jobcentre for another crisis loan, but i already took out 2 and i am supposed to be paying them off also, but due to no funds or money coming in they have had to stop - oops!

fingers crossed for a better outcome from the doctors other than what i have receieved from the last few weeks from the bedale centre!

December 7th

had another sleepless night last night, slept for a couple of hours earlier on this afternoon for a couple of hours and now i am wide awake, so i got up to watch some films, at the moment i have got on Hercules (Disney) because my dvd of Dogma is warped - dunno what it really means, but i guess it could be short hand for it is buggered!?
i had this idea in my head that i would dig out ALL my Disney Christmas dvds - but then i couldnt remember where i put them, as for once this month i have wanted to watch christmas dvds! lol
i have been feeling pretty low again for the last couple of days, i should really get back to the doctors, but i just dont think the 'drugs' are working! :(
i tried to take my mind off things by designing a snazzy christmas layout for my website.. but i couldnt focus on anything so i gave up within mins.. i have my banner ready and a background, but thats just how far i have got!
i think i might just get onto the bedale centre and see whats going on about me, and see if anyone has decided to help me or not, because if i am honest i just cannot cope with my moods or anything anymore, i have been reading up on the internet, and well there is one of two things it could be:
BIPOLAR - manic depression
BPD (borderline personality disorder) - which is kind of like split personality.
so i dunno what to do or what to think at the moment, there is just so much going on and going round and round my head, that i just wish there was a place for me to get a simple answer and get some help.

6th December..

well i am finally awake and more 'alive' than i was well have been for the past couple of days seen as how i been sleeping pretty much all the time on and off for the last couple of days .. silly really, i know, but i couldnt help it!
things never seem to be going right for me so i just feel like chucking the towels in and giving up on pretty much everything and pretty much everyone.
i wish that someone would have a proper daignosis for me, i been talking to my mate, and he now thinks that there could actually be Bipolar in there now other than BPD (borderline personality disorder) but i just dont know what to do or say because no one is going to listen to me other wise, i mean if people wanted to help then they would have done by now! :(
i dunno.. maybe i have Bipolar maybe i have BPD but still.. why is there no real diagnosis!?