ok its almost 9am.. and for some reason i am awake, and more miserable and upset than i was yesterday!
i feel today as though i shouldnt had got up, and stayed in bed asleep.. then i wont cause anyone any problems then will i!
..i was meant to have my medical today for my ESA Benefit, but i cancelled as wasnt feeling well and well, because i feel the way i do NOW well way i have been past couple of days, - really depressed.
Yeah, i am awake now, i could had gone blah blah blah - but thing is, i couldnt really find anyone to take me to Portsmouth... silly really, i used to go to Yorkshire, Preston, Didcot, etc. by my self.. and now, a few years later i wont even walk out the front door unless someone is with me! - what the hell is that all about!?
i just dont understand as to how and why i became this, i really really dont! it is mega crazy yet noone seems to understand that, and most people think i should just 'snap out of it' and well maybe the people who feel that should spend the day with me, no wait actually live with me, but funny how they are the people who do not come and see me on a regular occasion, no, they are people now who dont bother at all.
shame really, well more of a shame that all the people who said they would help.. aren't talking me anymore, not texting, or arranging to see me anymore! - yeah so i wouldnt had gone out, but still.. it would be nice to feel wanted bit more then maybe i might actually wanna show my face in society - but until that day comes when i am confident enough to be on my own - i just have to stay alone, isolated with no one to talk to, no one who cares, that sorta thing!
...man i wish i knew how to cope with this BPD thing...!!!
Showing posts with label agraphobic. Show all posts
Showing posts with label agraphobic. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 15
Monday, December 14
oh what a night..
after surviving on just 3 hours sleep, i am starting to cave..
i am so miserable, so down, stressed, frustrated, annoyed, alone, hurt, fed up everything.. i dont even really have an idea or a clue as to why i feel like this! - it really really sucks..
i felt ok-ish watching A Muppets Christmas Carol - i love the film, its just a shame that in films they make everything and everyone happy.. when it aint always the case in real life.. i guess i kind of wish that my life was a fairytale.. least i would always have a happy ending..right!?
..i dont know what is going to happen with Christmas this year, i mean i am 22, getting old, and christmas just aint what it used to be anymore, i see people all around me with their kids, or having kids, or just generally doing 'alright' for themselves, and there is me, the same idiotic person i always have been and nothing and no one will change that i bet.
a part of me really feels like i dont want this borderline personality disorder, i just cant always handle my emotions or handle the outcome or even know how to deal with them, for the simple reason i aint exactly got my head around everything, it aint sunk in nothing..
i found my friends baby scans and little wrist band things they wear.. and it broke my heart - not that i am jealous - well maybe a little .. but because i know i am never going to have the experience of having a child, i am pretty sure that i cannot have them, so i have not bothered in persuing it because it would only get me down more than i am already, and well people say that when they have a child that it changes them for better and often not, mind you i would be crap looking after someone else, i cant even look after myself half the time! :(
apart of me really wishes i could change all this, and apart of me wants everything to be better, but i am also scared because i will have to do it all on my own, and i aint really sure if i am strong enough to cope anymore. i cant even remember to bring in the milk on a monday/wedensday/friday from outside, i am scared to go out on my own.. and i dont even know why.. and there are numberous things going round and round in and out in and out i just cant deal with all the confusion, emotion and everything else running through my mind..
i picked up a card from the doctors surgery last week, for the Samaratains.. maybe i should get in touch with them and find someone to talk to!? i just feel today that i cannot cope.. and i really strongly feel i am unwanted too..
i just dont understand why tonight all i wanna do is hide away, curl up in a ball n die, and i guess i feel as though i am fading into the background!
..i guess i wish i had friends, someone to talk to, someone to keep me sane, someone to help me.. i even tried posting out a link to a group page i made up on facebook about my problems and to seek help in other people and for them to gain help from me etc. but most of the friends on my facebook list just declined the page without taking a look or having a second thought, even the people i knew and used to hang out with months ago do not bother with me anymore, and why...? i aint got a clue, one girl said she come over for the afternoon/evening and spend time with me catch up etc. and she said she was going to the shop, within half an hour she claimed she was ill and had to go back to bed.. and i have not spoke to her since.. and this was around a couple of months ago now!
...why am i such a threat or why cant people stand to be around me anymore?! really feel out of place and lonely no matter where i am or who i am with! :(
i am so miserable, so down, stressed, frustrated, annoyed, alone, hurt, fed up everything.. i dont even really have an idea or a clue as to why i feel like this! - it really really sucks..
i felt ok-ish watching A Muppets Christmas Carol - i love the film, its just a shame that in films they make everything and everyone happy.. when it aint always the case in real life.. i guess i kind of wish that my life was a fairytale.. least i would always have a happy ending..right!?
..i dont know what is going to happen with Christmas this year, i mean i am 22, getting old, and christmas just aint what it used to be anymore, i see people all around me with their kids, or having kids, or just generally doing 'alright' for themselves, and there is me, the same idiotic person i always have been and nothing and no one will change that i bet.
a part of me really feels like i dont want this borderline personality disorder, i just cant always handle my emotions or handle the outcome or even know how to deal with them, for the simple reason i aint exactly got my head around everything, it aint sunk in nothing..
i found my friends baby scans and little wrist band things they wear.. and it broke my heart - not that i am jealous - well maybe a little .. but because i know i am never going to have the experience of having a child, i am pretty sure that i cannot have them, so i have not bothered in persuing it because it would only get me down more than i am already, and well people say that when they have a child that it changes them for better and often not, mind you i would be crap looking after someone else, i cant even look after myself half the time! :(
apart of me really wishes i could change all this, and apart of me wants everything to be better, but i am also scared because i will have to do it all on my own, and i aint really sure if i am strong enough to cope anymore. i cant even remember to bring in the milk on a monday/wedensday/friday from outside, i am scared to go out on my own.. and i dont even know why.. and there are numberous things going round and round in and out in and out i just cant deal with all the confusion, emotion and everything else running through my mind..
i picked up a card from the doctors surgery last week, for the Samaratains.. maybe i should get in touch with them and find someone to talk to!? i just feel today that i cannot cope.. and i really strongly feel i am unwanted too..
i just dont understand why tonight all i wanna do is hide away, curl up in a ball n die, and i guess i feel as though i am fading into the background!
..i guess i wish i had friends, someone to talk to, someone to keep me sane, someone to help me.. i even tried posting out a link to a group page i made up on facebook about my problems and to seek help in other people and for them to gain help from me etc. but most of the friends on my facebook list just declined the page without taking a look or having a second thought, even the people i knew and used to hang out with months ago do not bother with me anymore, and why...? i aint got a clue, one girl said she come over for the afternoon/evening and spend time with me catch up etc. and she said she was going to the shop, within half an hour she claimed she was ill and had to go back to bed.. and i have not spoke to her since.. and this was around a couple of months ago now!
...why am i such a threat or why cant people stand to be around me anymore?! really feel out of place and lonely no matter where i am or who i am with! :(
Friday, December 4
4th December 2..
Well.... what can i say about today!?
1 - i panicked a little .. but i had done most of it yesterday .. so i felt ok managing to get into town for someone to meet me, i did feel like people people were staring, and whilst i was standing in town i felt my body shaking and i was starting to sweat partly because i was hot although i was cold, and also because i was very worried and worried that mum wouldnt be there waiting for me, although i did leave i had to wait and i felt dizzy and panicky and faint whilst i was waiting also, but i did keep talking to my self in my head and tried to keep my self calm.
2 - i was having muscle spasms like tremors whilst i was sitting in the job centre and within minutes of sitting down with my mum, i started coming over hot and dizzy.. i was really nervous!
wasnt too bad, he was just talking about what they can and will do with me to help give me support other than from the jobcentre, and he was nice to me, and even thanked me for coming, because i was debating on cancelling because i couldnt do it but i felt i needed to and it would jeprodise my benefits if not careful. so i had to think of that, so all thats i gotta do is chase up Bedale Centre, get onto the doctors about my tablets, and get them changed over and hope i can get a second opinion.
I do have an appointment with Kevin a bloke from the mental health team at the bedale centre, but i see him at the surgery, so i got to try and be brave for that also, and including going to the doctor to change my anti depressants from citolpram to something better and something that works would be ideal!
my mum was really supportive, and i didnt think she would be that good to be honest, but she did and i am thankfull for her being there for me :) - love you mum -
tonight i have a few plans to pass my evening by on me own, so that should then be a start of getting something sorted out so can tidy up and make house look like house..!
1 - i panicked a little .. but i had done most of it yesterday .. so i felt ok managing to get into town for someone to meet me, i did feel like people people were staring, and whilst i was standing in town i felt my body shaking and i was starting to sweat partly because i was hot although i was cold, and also because i was very worried and worried that mum wouldnt be there waiting for me, although i did leave i had to wait and i felt dizzy and panicky and faint whilst i was waiting also, but i did keep talking to my self in my head and tried to keep my self calm.
2 - i was having muscle spasms like tremors whilst i was sitting in the job centre and within minutes of sitting down with my mum, i started coming over hot and dizzy.. i was really nervous!
wasnt too bad, he was just talking about what they can and will do with me to help give me support other than from the jobcentre, and he was nice to me, and even thanked me for coming, because i was debating on cancelling because i couldnt do it but i felt i needed to and it would jeprodise my benefits if not careful. so i had to think of that, so all thats i gotta do is chase up Bedale Centre, get onto the doctors about my tablets, and get them changed over and hope i can get a second opinion.
I do have an appointment with Kevin a bloke from the mental health team at the bedale centre, but i see him at the surgery, so i got to try and be brave for that also, and including going to the doctor to change my anti depressants from citolpram to something better and something that works would be ideal!
my mum was really supportive, and i didnt think she would be that good to be honest, but she did and i am thankfull for her being there for me :) - love you mum -
tonight i have a few plans to pass my evening by on me own, so that should then be a start of getting something sorted out so can tidy up and make house look like house..!
4th December..
well today i am up early after having a bit of a rough night.. but it wasnt too bad i suppose.
anyways today i has an interview thing at the job centre for the benefits ESA its a pathways to work thing, i neeed to be honest and truthal.. and hopefully they will help me more than being on JSA..
admittedly i am very nervous, i have not been out on my own in a while.. ok i aint been out on me own in over 2 months now, i am shaky, nervous, sick, got butterflies, etc.
i have got mum to meet me in town today, so hopefully.. i shouldnt be too bad as long as the old lady DOES meet me and not let me down, but then again this is me mother we are talking about here lol...!!!
will come back once i braved the outside by my self and have sorted out what needs sorting etc. just hope i dont do something drastic on the bus like try and take everyone hostage or something stupid ha ha (kidding)
anyways today i has an interview thing at the job centre for the benefits ESA its a pathways to work thing, i neeed to be honest and truthal.. and hopefully they will help me more than being on JSA..
admittedly i am very nervous, i have not been out on my own in a while.. ok i aint been out on me own in over 2 months now, i am shaky, nervous, sick, got butterflies, etc.
i have got mum to meet me in town today, so hopefully.. i shouldnt be too bad as long as the old lady DOES meet me and not let me down, but then again this is me mother we are talking about here lol...!!!
will come back once i braved the outside by my self and have sorted out what needs sorting etc. just hope i dont do something drastic on the bus like try and take everyone hostage or something stupid ha ha (kidding)
Thursday, December 3
3rd December
what a hetic couple of days man.. i have had about what, 8 hours sleep or so in the last 2 days its horrendous! i think i am going to spend the next few days with a pillow or two strapped around my head, for just incase i decide i want to go to sleep.
i guess it is my own fault in some ways, i kinda stopped taking my anti depressants just to see what they do to me - and so far nothing, but i stopped taking the anxiety tablets also, so that hasnt helped as they were to help me sleep, but even though i was taking them too i did try to stay awake as long as possible because it is just so cold at night and no one likes to sleep alone do they!?
plus it was raining over here again last night, i am suprised that Bognor is still walkable suprised it aint a giant swimming pool like it is in Wales at the moment with all the rivers bursting its banks etc. i just dont understand where all this rain is coming from anymore, it is just madness complete madness..! dont really know why i am moaning for i actually love the rainy weather, but i dont know why but this time around i cant handle the coldness anymore its weird, normally it aint so bad but i guess it doesnt help with being around people who were born in a barn and leave the doors open so that the nice heat flows out the bloody doors lol.
i am still debating on what to do about the antidepressants, i am well was taking citalopram anti depressants along with some anxiety tablets but i stopped because i just seriously felt no change, people were telling me i be ok in certain amount of time, others said they take a long time to work, and in the end i just gave up i hate waiting in some ways so it was just frustrating me even more because nothing was changing and i guess i kinda wished that it would had started now, but then again i am still caught up with my assessment and how crappy it went that day, maybe i should had entered in there like a crazy person and come out again crazy person then people might actually want to help instead of telling me that there aint much wrong with me just trauma and then being told they give me help for anxiety etc. what morons!!!!!
about that, things aint changed there either, i mean, no one has been in touch yet to tell me whats going on, and what is making things worse is i HAVE to go to the jobcentre tomorrow for some meeting thing with them for the ESA benefit i am on, but i aint been out in weeks again because i am worried to be out on my own and i have panick attacks and everything, but no one seems to take much notice of me and i guess that doesnt help neither, i wanna have a job again and i wanna work, yeah, but right now it aint a possibility when i keep having panick attacks before i leave, i have a panick attack when the front door goes, the phone rings i panick and when i am on my own and walk past the front door i get nervous i guess i often see so much going round in my head about myself and sometimes of someone else that it has worried me a great deal i dont know, but again there aint much point in talking to a proffessional when they dont bloody listen and wont help me properly.
i dunno i guess most of the reason why i cant sleep at night is because i am worried of what tomorrow will bring me and if i am going to survive another day how am i going to do it etc. there is so much going round and round that i cant settle on one thing nothing sticks for long its crazy and i guess i am now too....?
i guess it is my own fault in some ways, i kinda stopped taking my anti depressants just to see what they do to me - and so far nothing, but i stopped taking the anxiety tablets also, so that hasnt helped as they were to help me sleep, but even though i was taking them too i did try to stay awake as long as possible because it is just so cold at night and no one likes to sleep alone do they!?
plus it was raining over here again last night, i am suprised that Bognor is still walkable suprised it aint a giant swimming pool like it is in Wales at the moment with all the rivers bursting its banks etc. i just dont understand where all this rain is coming from anymore, it is just madness complete madness..! dont really know why i am moaning for i actually love the rainy weather, but i dont know why but this time around i cant handle the coldness anymore its weird, normally it aint so bad but i guess it doesnt help with being around people who were born in a barn and leave the doors open so that the nice heat flows out the bloody doors lol.
i am still debating on what to do about the antidepressants, i am well was taking citalopram anti depressants along with some anxiety tablets but i stopped because i just seriously felt no change, people were telling me i be ok in certain amount of time, others said they take a long time to work, and in the end i just gave up i hate waiting in some ways so it was just frustrating me even more because nothing was changing and i guess i kinda wished that it would had started now, but then again i am still caught up with my assessment and how crappy it went that day, maybe i should had entered in there like a crazy person and come out again crazy person then people might actually want to help instead of telling me that there aint much wrong with me just trauma and then being told they give me help for anxiety etc. what morons!!!!!
about that, things aint changed there either, i mean, no one has been in touch yet to tell me whats going on, and what is making things worse is i HAVE to go to the jobcentre tomorrow for some meeting thing with them for the ESA benefit i am on, but i aint been out in weeks again because i am worried to be out on my own and i have panick attacks and everything, but no one seems to take much notice of me and i guess that doesnt help neither, i wanna have a job again and i wanna work, yeah, but right now it aint a possibility when i keep having panick attacks before i leave, i have a panick attack when the front door goes, the phone rings i panick and when i am on my own and walk past the front door i get nervous i guess i often see so much going round in my head about myself and sometimes of someone else that it has worried me a great deal i dont know, but again there aint much point in talking to a proffessional when they dont bloody listen and wont help me properly.
i dunno i guess most of the reason why i cant sleep at night is because i am worried of what tomorrow will bring me and if i am going to survive another day how am i going to do it etc. there is so much going round and round that i cant settle on one thing nothing sticks for long its crazy and i guess i am now too....?
Tuesday, December 1
1st of December
well today is offically the countdown to christmas - oh joy..!
i am so not looking forward to christmas this year if i am honest, just the thought of all the stuff that has been happening over the last few months has just spiraled out of control and i guess i know that it aint gonna be the same again, in some ways i am pleased as mums now happier but dad has just changed, and he doesnt see it we all do but no one seems to know what to do or say i guess?
dad has become really distant, he keeps promissing us kids that he is always gonna be here for us, but when i ring him in need of help he doesnt.. fair enough he has no car, but if he was at my aunt and uncles where he is in fact staying he could've got my uncle to help out or something, but no, dad spends more of his time in reading, and to be honest i dont know why i even bothered to ring him in the first place, completely useless he doesnt get in touch to see if we are ok he just ignores us solidly unless we need his help. it was my brothers birthday a week or so ago, and my dad didnt bother to turn up, didnt buy him a card or a present just told him to contact him and he take dan shopping for something... my poor brother he has autism and he needs a dad, but to our dad we are old enough to get on with our own lives.. well if only he knew the idiot!!!
today has been a rather cold day.. didnt wanna get out of bed for the feel of coldness around the face and fingers etc. admittedly i love the cold side of the bed, but this was just MADNESS it was so freeeezing i have been sitting on the sofa the majority of the day cuddled up under a blanket i have tried to keep the door shut but someone keeps walking in and leaving the blasted thing open letting the heat from the fire out and the cold air in what a numpty *grr*
my sleeping pattern has spiraled out of control.. i just dont seem to sleep well or not enough or i stay up all night now and i just cannot settle its difficult.. in a way i am fed up with telling people because no one listens to me or no one understands, and i think most of it goes back to what happened with the bedale centre on the 18th of november. but i cant help it i just so annoyed still and there is still no word from anyone about what they are going to do for me, so i guess yet again the outcome is NOTHING!!
back to christmas coming.. i am worried about it alot because i have no money again this year, and it is all because i am a idiot and i dont have a job for a stupid fear of being outside and being around people, but again no one listens to that.. anyway i should be getting ESA which i guess i am, just no moneys coming in, really i should pluck up the courage to get in touch with someone but i get so frustrated with their telephone service and the waiting on someone to pick up and help and then trying to explain etc. it again frustrates me even more, which is why in some ways i dont use my mobile much anymore, well partly no credit, and partly no one texts me other than one person and i dont know why he texts me really lol
hopefully i can sort something out for christmas but i am bit worried about the outcome and the coming up to it but i guess we have to be strong for each other, as now it is just my sister, brother and my mum now.. thats it!
i am so not looking forward to christmas this year if i am honest, just the thought of all the stuff that has been happening over the last few months has just spiraled out of control and i guess i know that it aint gonna be the same again, in some ways i am pleased as mums now happier but dad has just changed, and he doesnt see it we all do but no one seems to know what to do or say i guess?
dad has become really distant, he keeps promissing us kids that he is always gonna be here for us, but when i ring him in need of help he doesnt.. fair enough he has no car, but if he was at my aunt and uncles where he is in fact staying he could've got my uncle to help out or something, but no, dad spends more of his time in reading, and to be honest i dont know why i even bothered to ring him in the first place, completely useless he doesnt get in touch to see if we are ok he just ignores us solidly unless we need his help. it was my brothers birthday a week or so ago, and my dad didnt bother to turn up, didnt buy him a card or a present just told him to contact him and he take dan shopping for something... my poor brother he has autism and he needs a dad, but to our dad we are old enough to get on with our own lives.. well if only he knew the idiot!!!
today has been a rather cold day.. didnt wanna get out of bed for the feel of coldness around the face and fingers etc. admittedly i love the cold side of the bed, but this was just MADNESS it was so freeeezing i have been sitting on the sofa the majority of the day cuddled up under a blanket i have tried to keep the door shut but someone keeps walking in and leaving the blasted thing open letting the heat from the fire out and the cold air in what a numpty *grr*
my sleeping pattern has spiraled out of control.. i just dont seem to sleep well or not enough or i stay up all night now and i just cannot settle its difficult.. in a way i am fed up with telling people because no one listens to me or no one understands, and i think most of it goes back to what happened with the bedale centre on the 18th of november. but i cant help it i just so annoyed still and there is still no word from anyone about what they are going to do for me, so i guess yet again the outcome is NOTHING!!
back to christmas coming.. i am worried about it alot because i have no money again this year, and it is all because i am a idiot and i dont have a job for a stupid fear of being outside and being around people, but again no one listens to that.. anyway i should be getting ESA which i guess i am, just no moneys coming in, really i should pluck up the courage to get in touch with someone but i get so frustrated with their telephone service and the waiting on someone to pick up and help and then trying to explain etc. it again frustrates me even more, which is why in some ways i dont use my mobile much anymore, well partly no credit, and partly no one texts me other than one person and i dont know why he texts me really lol
hopefully i can sort something out for christmas but i am bit worried about the outcome and the coming up to it but i guess we have to be strong for each other, as now it is just my sister, brother and my mum now.. thats it!
Monday, November 30
30th November...
last night was very bad, was up till gone 8am this morning, i just couldnt settle i was high as a kite in places tired in others and then it just went round and round like a circle for the whole night, i eventually went to sleep took me a while as i was laying there thinking whats the point in going sleep now when i sleep all day blah blah blah although eventually i must had fallen asleep as i woke up to my mobile ringing at around half 12 although it is on silent i heard the vibrations but i couldnt work out what it was, they never rung back so i guess it wasnt important!?
i kept falling asleep waking up falling asleep and waking up most of the time i trying to get some sleep it is madness.. plus what makes matters worse is that i keep waking up various times whilst asleep in a cold or hot sweat but i dont know why.. its only been like it for a few weeks or so i guess.. i not sure!
eventually i got up around 4pm very very bad i am going to do my best to sit up all night tonight and go to sleep bit earlier tomorrow because this is silly.. all i do is sit up half the night because i cant settle or relax myself enough to go to sleep.. plus some nights i get that stupid "im scared to go to sleep" nonsense that comes out now and again .. i just upset myself because i am scared to go to sleep incase something happens to me in my sleep and no one knows or notices anything and well i guess i am afraid of dying.. although what makes the situation daft is that i kinda like self harm sometimes on a regular basis some i dont do for weeks on end and yet i am afraid of death - what is that about!? its stupid and i know that i am stupid and today i really feel like i just a spare part i am in the way of everything and everyone and i feel now that patience are running out with me now and i guess that is also what is scaring me the most.
i have gotten so bad now that when i see someone naked i get all nervous and concious i cant even watch my friend get in and out of the bath i have to hold a towel up over my eyes so i dont see and its just madness i just dont know whats wrong with me anymore, and i really wish that someone could see this and realise there is more to me than what meets the eye!
i am still disapointed and down about my assessment that i had on the 18th of november, as there wasnt really any outcome except for anxiety tabs and talking about getting help with the anxiety its like right, what about the other stuff.. and then said they are going to have a meeting about me and discuss further help they can supply me - which will end up with nothing again i bet!
why do i have to be soo bloody good at hiding everything all the goddamned time it sucks!! why cant i be like one of them people who have no problems expressing themself and letting on how they feel etc. why do i have to constantly sit in my shell and hide myself away all the time!? this seriously sucks now!! and to make matters even worse i have been taking Citalopram anti depressants, i was on 20mg for 2 months, and now i am on 40mg and i been on them over 2 weeks, so basically i am what, 2 and a half months in and i still feel miserable like i do each and every day from the moment i wake up to the moment i go to sleep.. nothing and no one is helping me and it is driving me mad, i really wish that someone cared enough to see me, some of the friends that say are friends bothered with me, rung me up every so often instead of talking to me once and then buggering off and not speaking to me again for months on end, same goes to my family, my grandparents moan i dont see them, aunts and uncles too but they dont see that it aint just me who is in the wrong as they would put it but they are too but no it always goes down on my shoulders, why dont anyone want to see me why dont none of my friends bother with me anymore!? am i that much of a problem that no one wants to be seen with me anymore!? am i that shamefull that no one wants to be with me or see me etc.!?
i kept falling asleep waking up falling asleep and waking up most of the time i trying to get some sleep it is madness.. plus what makes matters worse is that i keep waking up various times whilst asleep in a cold or hot sweat but i dont know why.. its only been like it for a few weeks or so i guess.. i not sure!
eventually i got up around 4pm very very bad i am going to do my best to sit up all night tonight and go to sleep bit earlier tomorrow because this is silly.. all i do is sit up half the night because i cant settle or relax myself enough to go to sleep.. plus some nights i get that stupid "im scared to go to sleep" nonsense that comes out now and again .. i just upset myself because i am scared to go to sleep incase something happens to me in my sleep and no one knows or notices anything and well i guess i am afraid of dying.. although what makes the situation daft is that i kinda like self harm sometimes on a regular basis some i dont do for weeks on end and yet i am afraid of death - what is that about!? its stupid and i know that i am stupid and today i really feel like i just a spare part i am in the way of everything and everyone and i feel now that patience are running out with me now and i guess that is also what is scaring me the most.
i have gotten so bad now that when i see someone naked i get all nervous and concious i cant even watch my friend get in and out of the bath i have to hold a towel up over my eyes so i dont see and its just madness i just dont know whats wrong with me anymore, and i really wish that someone could see this and realise there is more to me than what meets the eye!
i am still disapointed and down about my assessment that i had on the 18th of november, as there wasnt really any outcome except for anxiety tabs and talking about getting help with the anxiety its like right, what about the other stuff.. and then said they are going to have a meeting about me and discuss further help they can supply me - which will end up with nothing again i bet!
why do i have to be soo bloody good at hiding everything all the goddamned time it sucks!! why cant i be like one of them people who have no problems expressing themself and letting on how they feel etc. why do i have to constantly sit in my shell and hide myself away all the time!? this seriously sucks now!! and to make matters even worse i have been taking Citalopram anti depressants, i was on 20mg for 2 months, and now i am on 40mg and i been on them over 2 weeks, so basically i am what, 2 and a half months in and i still feel miserable like i do each and every day from the moment i wake up to the moment i go to sleep.. nothing and no one is helping me and it is driving me mad, i really wish that someone cared enough to see me, some of the friends that say are friends bothered with me, rung me up every so often instead of talking to me once and then buggering off and not speaking to me again for months on end, same goes to my family, my grandparents moan i dont see them, aunts and uncles too but they dont see that it aint just me who is in the wrong as they would put it but they are too but no it always goes down on my shoulders, why dont anyone want to see me why dont none of my friends bother with me anymore!? am i that much of a problem that no one wants to be seen with me anymore!? am i that shamefull that no one wants to be with me or see me etc.!?
Sunday, November 29
29th November
Today i am having a very slow day, i have spent it in bed as it is bloody cold out there, and all that i can hear is rain hitting the roof or the windows its kinda annoying as thats all the weather does is rain rain and rain some more.
not that i have a problem of the rain its just its driving me mad its all it does outside and all i can hear! and if it is not the rain it is the poxy winds!
i dunno i guess i am sick of the weather..? and i guess i am sick of what i am doing and who i am and everything?
for the past couple of days i have felt just invisible and unwanted and not needed either, i just see everyone around me happy when i am not in the room and every one getting on it is just awful i guess..
i mean i ruined my relationship, all because i am crap at being a girlfriend crap at being a friend and just generally crap at everything i guess.. i dunno i just wish that whatever i come across etc i ruin, i have caused various problems at home with my family for many years previous and including past relationships.. i dunno maybe i just not worthy of friends or family, i love my family very much, i also love my boyfriend, but i guess he has moved on now, and nothing i can do to change it, i wish i could i really really wish i could, but it is hard to make a difference when you have screwed up so many times before.
i just hope that i aint apart of the reason why my dad left, because he has had to deal with my brother and his autism, and probably cant handle having another child with problems, i mean yeah as i said before we are old enough now to make our own choices etc. but he is still my dad and i really wish my dad cares about me, i mean i rung him up last night, to tell him i needed his help as i ran out of pads due to my monthly thing.. and well he didnt ask how i was, how my brothers doing or even my sister, he just didnt ask a thing, and i guess i just wish i feel needed by someone, but i aint even needed by my own dad.. he has moved on moved out and everything.
i wish i didnt have this burden and i wish i could be normal like everybody else but i guess that aint gonna happen anytime soon.. wish it would do that though..
not that i have a problem of the rain its just its driving me mad its all it does outside and all i can hear! and if it is not the rain it is the poxy winds!
i dunno i guess i am sick of the weather..? and i guess i am sick of what i am doing and who i am and everything?
for the past couple of days i have felt just invisible and unwanted and not needed either, i just see everyone around me happy when i am not in the room and every one getting on it is just awful i guess..
i mean i ruined my relationship, all because i am crap at being a girlfriend crap at being a friend and just generally crap at everything i guess.. i dunno i just wish that whatever i come across etc i ruin, i have caused various problems at home with my family for many years previous and including past relationships.. i dunno maybe i just not worthy of friends or family, i love my family very much, i also love my boyfriend, but i guess he has moved on now, and nothing i can do to change it, i wish i could i really really wish i could, but it is hard to make a difference when you have screwed up so many times before.
i just hope that i aint apart of the reason why my dad left, because he has had to deal with my brother and his autism, and probably cant handle having another child with problems, i mean yeah as i said before we are old enough now to make our own choices etc. but he is still my dad and i really wish my dad cares about me, i mean i rung him up last night, to tell him i needed his help as i ran out of pads due to my monthly thing.. and well he didnt ask how i was, how my brothers doing or even my sister, he just didnt ask a thing, and i guess i just wish i feel needed by someone, but i aint even needed by my own dad.. he has moved on moved out and everything.
i wish i didnt have this burden and i wish i could be normal like everybody else but i guess that aint gonna happen anytime soon.. wish it would do that though..
Saturday, November 28
28th November..
Hello..
I know i have not posted in a few days, but i have had a rough couple of days and im trying to think of new things i can do or make over the internet so i have been busy trying to sort that bit out including doing a bit of work for a friend, well it wasnt so much work, just sorting their reciepts out as they are well over a year behind lol took me 4 and a half hours. still least i made the folder tidy and neat and sorted everything out!
anyways, back to me.
I havent had such a good few days since my brothers birthday, i still havent gone out, i was due to go out this afternoon with my mum as i needed few bits in town, but i just couldnt go! its awful.. i dunno why but i am just so nervous before i leave that i get panic attacks and just want to hide away in doors all the time, i just dont know why or what to do.. i mean christmas is coming, and what with whats going on with my parents i dont know whats going to happen, if dad be home if dad be away.. and i just dont know if it is going to be a good christmas in some respects i guess, in a way i am pretty sure my dad WONT bother with us this year, all because we are all grown up he thinks and feels we dont need him anymore, and well if my dad could see this then maybe he'd actually realise that no matter how old you get you always always ALWAYS need a dad! just because his dad wasnt there for him when he needed him, doesnt mean that we dont need him anymore or anyless.. but hey what can you do - he wont listen to any of us, pretty sad really to be honest, but oh well.. if my dad chooses to not be in touch for over a week since he took me out for my assessment then that is his problem.. i need my dad, yes, but at the end of the day he chose to walk out on us, so at the end of the day that is his loss...!!
god why are men so bloody awful to live with or talk to etc. it is bloody annoying if you ask me! *lol*
other than that side of things i just still dont seem to be myself i keep rowing with everyone again, upsetting people, and generally falling out all the time! its unbelievable i just dont know why i am like this, if i take my tablets then i am as miserable as i was when i started them beginning of october, and if i dont take them i am moody and tetchy and rude and stressy.. very difficult in some respects to be with or anything.. i am trying to cope as much as i can without the stupid Bedale mental health centre - as i am still waiting upon a bloody follow up from the 18th of November!!! my appetite is up and down one min i starving the next i dont wanna eat a thing, i still not sleeping properly and everything, i just wish that someone would bloody help me and give me some idea of what i am doing with myself and some idea of what i am meant to do and how to cope and get the help i need, but for some reason because i hide it all deep in side - very well i might add - that no one seems to believe there is something wrong, i mean yeah so i dont tell everyone how i feeling anymore, i dont open up i hide away for the day on my own in my room or something, but it doesnt mean there aint nothing wrong with me, i write when i depressed, or i keep my diary up to date or at least try, i put all my feelings down on paper or through notepad on the laptop etc. i just wish that someone would bloody help me sometimes. i had printed everything off to try and help explain and they've still not been in touch.. i mean what a lot of help they are.. NOT!!!
ohh i dunno.. i just dont know how much longer i can cope and how much longer it will take before everyone gets fed up with me and starts dropping me like hot potatoes!!
Friday, November 27
26th November..
well today was my little brothers 17th birthday, its scary really, i mean he is a grown up, he aint my little brother whom my sister and i used to dress up in girls clothes, attempt put make up on him, and put mums bras on him which we then filled up with socks lol those were the days..
i am quite proud of him having a good time, despite our father doing a disapearing act on us and not bothering with us kids much, yeah ok we are all over 16 now so we aint really kids, but no matter how old you get you still require a father, someone to be there for you! so well done for my little brother to stay strong and not let it get to him!
at this birthday tea we had my mum had organised it all, she invited - our sister, Becci her boyfriend Alan, our cousin Amy with her daughter Summer and then of course myself and our mother! it was a lovely evening we had some laughs, and some tears and some moaning *lol* mainly about dad - but that i guess was to be expected?
we took a few pictures, but i doubt my dad will see them as he is never really online much, but hey i guess at the end of the day he is the one missing out, not us, but still i kinda wish he was there whereas in others i do not - strange situation i guess.
i havent been toooo bad today i guess, i have had a few outbursts but that will be due to not taking my tablets until late but i tried hard to hold it together for my brother, even if i did have a breakdown before i left and was very panicky at the start..! strange i am really..
the rains came down again tonight, pretty hard and there was massive flashes of lightning and really really loud bangs of thunder it was awful the whole house shook up and it felt like the ceilings was gonna cave bcoz it was so loud and close very scarey!
i not big fan of storms and tonight had just made me very shakey and nervous!
Wednesday, November 25
A Little Blog About Me..
..About Me..
i thought i would write a blog about myself as i know not everyone reads a profile.
this will not take long as there aint much to know about me really.. lol
Name:
Samantha
Age:
22
Location:
Bognor Regis - United Kingdom
Status:
Single
.. Favourites ..
Food:
Sausages, Chips, Burgers,
Colour:
Red - Blue - Pink - Purple - Black
Music:
I Listen To All Kinds
Movie:
Ghostbusters, Beaches, Disney, Romy & Michelle, The Sweetest Thing, Click, 50 First Dates, Nick And Norah, Juno, Fern Gully
Song:
Black - Wonderful Life
Artist:
Britney Spears
Fastfood Restaurant(s):
McDonalds & KFC
Take Away:
Fastfood Restaurant(s):
McDonalds & KFC
Take Away:
Chinese, Kebab
Loves:
Loves:
* Family * Friends * Music * Photography * Movies *
Hates:
* Thunder * Spiders * Being Alone * Liars * Cheats * Being Judged
24th November 2009
Day 54 (24.11.09)
today i have been really down, i have been thinking too much about giving up again. i just feel like i am letting everyone down and ruining every ones lives. there is not much left for me now i just want to leave, or just die the quickest way possible.
i am never happy anymore, i am never smiley or telling jokes etc.
i am fed up with being the person i am now, i really am! i cant sleep at night because of it, i cant eat proper lately i been over eating which i have never done before, and i just cant get happy within my self anymore.
maybe it is my weight maybe its the boyfriend maybe its my life i don't know what it is that is making me feel like this, i just wish that i could be somewhere where i don't have to upset people and ruin my family and friendships and relationships. there are many people out there dying, and i think of it and it makes me sad, because although they're dying most people make the most of it, but i am alive and miserable, sometimes i wish i could give up my life for someone else, for someone like my sister, to be able to bring her back and for me to take her place would be an amazing thing, or even my nan, bring her back at least my mum will have her mum again, you know stuffs like that!
most people say thy were put on this earth for a reason.. well i wish i knew mine. no one wants me no one acknowledges me etc.
i wanna be like everyone else, be independent be loved be happy be fun be everything i wish i could be instead of being this thing i am now!
it is difficult being in my situation in some ways but i don't really wanna say anything to anyone because it ain't fair on lumbering my problems etc on to someone else and then i feel guilty or feel like i don't want to carry on after telling someone what i said because i guess in some ways i am kinda embarrassed of myself and that actually could be why i hide away from everyone and everything.
I used to be OK, not great not good but OK - and i had a job, admittedly it was only 1 day a week but it still was OK until one day someone decided that they was going to come and cause me problems at work and upset me and what with having to try and control my mental health and my self harming and then with some of the staff which felt like were ganging up on me i just then couldn't handle it any more that something inside just gave up..
i wish i knew what i could do to make this better, and i wish that someone else would help me professionally, but i guess i get turned away again like i always do! :(
today i have been really down, i have been thinking too much about giving up again. i just feel like i am letting everyone down and ruining every ones lives. there is not much left for me now i just want to leave, or just die the quickest way possible.
i am never happy anymore, i am never smiley or telling jokes etc.
i am fed up with being the person i am now, i really am! i cant sleep at night because of it, i cant eat proper lately i been over eating which i have never done before, and i just cant get happy within my self anymore.
maybe it is my weight maybe its the boyfriend maybe its my life i don't know what it is that is making me feel like this, i just wish that i could be somewhere where i don't have to upset people and ruin my family and friendships and relationships. there are many people out there dying, and i think of it and it makes me sad, because although they're dying most people make the most of it, but i am alive and miserable, sometimes i wish i could give up my life for someone else, for someone like my sister, to be able to bring her back and for me to take her place would be an amazing thing, or even my nan, bring her back at least my mum will have her mum again, you know stuffs like that!
most people say thy were put on this earth for a reason.. well i wish i knew mine. no one wants me no one acknowledges me etc.
i wanna be like everyone else, be independent be loved be happy be fun be everything i wish i could be instead of being this thing i am now!
it is difficult being in my situation in some ways but i don't really wanna say anything to anyone because it ain't fair on lumbering my problems etc on to someone else and then i feel guilty or feel like i don't want to carry on after telling someone what i said because i guess in some ways i am kinda embarrassed of myself and that actually could be why i hide away from everyone and everything.
I used to be OK, not great not good but OK - and i had a job, admittedly it was only 1 day a week but it still was OK until one day someone decided that they was going to come and cause me problems at work and upset me and what with having to try and control my mental health and my self harming and then with some of the staff which felt like were ganging up on me i just then couldn't handle it any more that something inside just gave up..
i wish i knew what i could do to make this better, and i wish that someone else would help me professionally, but i guess i get turned away again like i always do! :(
Tuesday, November 24
Welcome To My Blog.
Hello, and welcome to my blog.
I am new to all this as i have never used a blog site before, and i am going to be doing it based upon me and my problems, so admittedly i am very nervous as i get judged a lot and i often get the mickey taken out of me or bullied - although admittedly i have kept this locked up deep in side now for a while and no one really knows anything about me anymore for i fear of opening up.
But here i will keep an online type diary including the one i have been keeping for the last 2-3 months about myself and my problems, i am not sure if i should start from the beginning by copying and pasting things over to show what i have been doing and going through for the last few months.
I am hoping that if i did this that i could hopefully make new friends, and find people similar to me or having problems like i am to help others and to gain help and support from other people.
I will be adding one big bulk blog with the entries i have been keeping for the last 2 months, so it gives a better understanding of what i have been going through instead of posting 1 and hoping people know,
i shall also post a blog with some information about me, so that would also help you to know more about myself as well as listening and reading about my problems.
I hope to get out of this blog:
- New Friends - if possible
- Gain Help
- Help Others
i hope that you will follow me and comment or do what ever it is you do on the blog sites as i have never used one up till now.
I am new to all this as i have never used a blog site before, and i am going to be doing it based upon me and my problems, so admittedly i am very nervous as i get judged a lot and i often get the mickey taken out of me or bullied - although admittedly i have kept this locked up deep in side now for a while and no one really knows anything about me anymore for i fear of opening up.
But here i will keep an online type diary including the one i have been keeping for the last 2-3 months about myself and my problems, i am not sure if i should start from the beginning by copying and pasting things over to show what i have been doing and going through for the last few months.
I am hoping that if i did this that i could hopefully make new friends, and find people similar to me or having problems like i am to help others and to gain help and support from other people.
I will be adding one big bulk blog with the entries i have been keeping for the last 2 months, so it gives a better understanding of what i have been going through instead of posting 1 and hoping people know,
i shall also post a blog with some information about me, so that would also help you to know more about myself as well as listening and reading about my problems.
I hope to get out of this blog:
- New Friends - if possible
- Gain Help
- Help Others
i hope that you will follow me and comment or do what ever it is you do on the blog sites as i have never used one up till now.
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