My Life..

I've been thinking about a great deal of things over the last 9 months or so, not just because of the ectopic i had, but because of other things, well other people instead..
I have looked at what i have been through from what i can remember from when i was kid, and to be honest there isn't much that i do remember, or recall.. but what people have said, i can see as if it were on video tape.. other stuff just seems to haunt me..
The last 3 years or so have been a bit mixed up...
2007 - i got with a bloke called Gary - he was bit dippy, and kinda ended up being bit like a maid doing his washing most of the time - which admittedly wasn't much as he wore same pants for days :| cripes!!!
In July time, i started seeing some lad whom i talk to a lot called James, he was lovely bless him! and strangely enough are still friends to this date! :D
Eventually i got back with Oli, he was my first REAL boyfriend, we broke up in 2006 as i was moving back to Bognor and wanted a fresh start blah blah blah...!! lol but eventually i realized i didnt feel the same for him as he did for me, or the feelings that i did have wasn't strong enough, so i let him go! apart of me wishes i hadn't another part thinks its for the best!
Since then, everything seemed to had gone down hill! :(
September 2007 i got a job in Card Factory, and i loved it! it was fun and interesting and new and i ended up getting to be a Supervisor and left in charge on sunday - again something else i loved! Until Christmas came! i was sooo ill over christmas it was horrible! :( - and this is where everything started boiling up again! the store was packed with people buying christmas cards and small gifts etc. and it didnt help when i ended up getting the flu with a bad cough and still having to work! - i did let down alot of people there which i couldn't or didnt mean to do just happened but i couldnt cope and didnt have the heart to admit it or tell anyone! - was awful.. then came along the "suicidal attempt" in march 2008 - not been as bad since (touch wood) but have done it since..
I ended up giving up my job at card factory because of my behaviour, being picked on by staff and an incident with someone causing me problems didnt help! i didnt know what else to do, so i had to give up and let the other people win, i am not really a fighter.. i am more of a giver up person!
Since these incidents i have not worked in 2 years! 2 years!!! its awful.. it really is! but i just cant cope with myself, let alone trying to keep a job - again! i am not the person whom i was and this Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression and Anxiety problems are holding me back - which i cannot stop.. because i know there is something wrong with me and being out and about with these problems and by myself scare me! so i just keep myself to myself and normally keep my problems to my self!.. but i need to " talk " let go of some " release " and feel bit better - although knowing me i wish i hadn't done or said anything, which would then lead me into deleting this post, if need be!
but then again, i dont really know why i post my thoughts and feelings and upset on this blog, when there are people out there whom follow me around the internet, watching me and my every moves - and i dont know why! there is nothing fascinating about me, so i dont know why everyone feels the need to stalk me online! lol idiots...!!!

anyway i think i done enough talking (typing) for one day/night (started last night) and leave it as it is, for now!