It's Been 2 Years Since You Left...

Today marks 2 years since my grandfather passed away, and today I just feel so numb.
I am feeling different to the way I did last year and the day when he passed away it is weird and just hard to explain.

Yesterday was my Aunt's birthday and that was the day (28.12.17) that I got the call telling me that Grandad is very poorly and they were sure that he was going to go. When I got there he was asleep and he had woke up and was laughing with us joking and farting away like he always does. But after a while he changed and he just went back to sleep again.

I think about that day often, when I got there my Nan, Great Aunt Lilian (Grandads sister) my Aunt and her hubby was there with 3 of my cousins and their boyfriend & girlfriend, my other aunt and cousin and just remember the conversation he had before he just slept. He told us that he had a dream and that he went to heaven and that we were all there with him. My uncle told him jokingly that he was being silly to which my grandad turned around and said "Fuck the lot of you then. I wont take you to Heaven with me" when everyone went home I just wanted to sit with my grandad a little longer and so I did. I just sat there and held his hand looking at him and I didn't say anything.. I just didn't want to leave him but my friend was on her way to pick me up and so I let one of the nurses know I was leaving. He passed away early hours 29.12.17. We think he passed away the moment my dad flew back into the UK as he was in Sweden on holiday. I didn't know anything about it until my mum rang me. My aunt and uncle knew that I wanted to be told if anything happened but my dad decided that he wanted to tell us himself in the morning. I rang him and said whats going on and he went "oh yeah theres something I need to tell you Grandad has gone!" I was so angry because I was meant to be told as soon as there was any changes. Only reason I found out through my mum was because he rang his brother who has had nothing to do with Grandad for years first. Who in turn told Grandads brother and his wife that he had passed away and she took it upon herself to message my mum :(
I remember it all and I remember when I went to see my Grandad in the funeral home on what would've been his 79th birthday just over a week later. I talked to a couple of people about going and they was worried about me doing it because of the state I was in with my mental health already and they was worried it would affect any of my memories and despite what I saw I have to admit that it never tainted of my memories. It gave me a new one, but not ruined any of the other ones I have growing up..

If I could change one thing, well some things I would go back and change that I didn't just sit in silence and that I talked to him more once everyone had left and I wish that I could change it so that he never got poorly and he was still here...