I just don't know what to do anymore. I am at a loss and just feel miserable and very hurt.
Basically, every time I try and make plans to see someone I always get messed about and lied too. I don't understand it but no one wants to know me anymore and it really hurts.
My so called best friend wants nothing to do with me pretty much she barely speaks to me now. Last time she did this was when she got a boyfriend so no doubt she is seeing someone else now and I just get dropped because I am no longer needed or wanted. She just doesn't care about me anymore and I don't understand what I have done wrong or why she is treating me badly now. She messaged me out of the blue over a week ago and she got shitty with me because I told her that she can't just ignore me and expect me to drop everything and go running to see her I can't keep doing that. It's not fair on me. She picks me up and drops me when it suits her. I mean our friendship has always been one sided, and that was me going out of my way to hang out with her because for some reason she refuses to come to my place now. I have been here for almost 2 and a half years and she has been round here twice to stay over. If she does come round we are here for like 10mins and she wants to go straight away and stuff like that. It's frustrating because she promised me when I moved in on my own she would be here for me and she would be round every chance she got and from then she just made up all these excuses and it got to the point where I stopped asking.
It pissed me off last week because I had arranged to go out with her sister (also one of my friends) to go with her to get her tattoo done and she wanted me to dye her hair. I stupidly agreed but then when I thought about it I was just like why am I doing this, I don't know why I agreed to this. As it happened her sister who I went with to get her tattoo asked me to do her hair and so I agreed to do hers because I had already messed up her hair in the first place and I said I'd fix it. But as it happened I was told I was needed by someone else so I cancelled doing their hair on Thursday and my so called friend wasn't interested when I said that I needed to finish off some stuff at the flat as I had my medical on friday.
Oh that reminds me, none of them asked me how I got on! Only people who checked up on me was my mum and my sister. That's it but then granted I didn't announce it to everyone because it's not their business it's mine and my issues that I had to get through. Which has also made me realise that I am just wasting my time on so called friends.
I just don't understand what the hell is wrong with me and why no one wants to be my friend and why people feel the need to treat me so badly. It really really hurts and I am just stuck I don't know what to do or say or anything it sucks. I know I am not the easiest person to get on with as I can be moody and I do tend to keep myself to myself a lot and not bother anyone with my problems or if I am having a bad day because in reality no one actually cares or gives a crap and my so called friend proved that when she asked me once how I was feeling and I admitted that I wasn't doing so well and she completely ignored that and started talking about herself and how she is so ill and she hopes to go to work the next day etc. In the end I did to her what she did to me and just give her basic responses and just wasn't interested because all I kept thinking was if that's how she treated me that day is this what shes been doing to me the last couple of years and I have been too blind to notice?
I honestly do what I can for others and make time for them and talk to them when they need someone to talk too etc. I do it because I know how it feels when no one is here for me and I don't want anyone to feel the same way I do all the time because it isn't fair.
Now, I don't do all this to make sure that someone is here for me in the long run because I know that in reality it doesn't happen. I just don't want people feeling the same way I feel constantly.
All that this has made me feel like shit and that my world is crashing down around me. It's also made me feel that I am as worthless that I think I am same with unwanted and unloved. I also feel very lonely and I just want to close my heart and my mind up and not let anyone else in because this really is so hard. I think having the BPD has made this worse because I don't think like a normal person does my emotions and feelings are different which doesn't help..
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