28th November..

Hello..

I know i have not posted in a few days, but i have had a rough couple of days and im trying to think of new things i can do or make over the internet so i have been busy trying to sort that bit out including doing a bit of work for a friend, well it wasnt so much work, just sorting their reciepts out as they are well over a year behind lol took me 4 and a half hours. still least i made the folder tidy and neat and sorted everything out!

anyways, back to me.

I havent had such a good few days since my brothers birthday, i still havent gone out, i was due to go out this afternoon with my mum as i needed few bits in town, but i just couldnt go! its awful.. i dunno why but i am just so nervous before i leave that i get panic attacks and just want to hide away in doors all the time, i just dont know why or what to do.. i mean christmas is coming, and what with whats going on with my parents i dont know whats going to happen, if dad be home if dad be away.. and i just dont know if it is going to be a good christmas in some respects i guess, in a way i am pretty sure my dad WONT bother with us this year, all because we are all grown up he thinks and feels we dont need him anymore, and well if my dad could see this then maybe he'd actually realise that no matter how old you get you always always ALWAYS need a dad! just because his dad wasnt there for him when he needed him, doesnt mean that we dont need him anymore or anyless.. but hey what can you do - he wont listen to any of us, pretty sad really to be honest, but oh well.. if my dad chooses to not be in touch for over a week since he took me out for my assessment then that is his problem.. i need my dad, yes, but at the end of the day he chose to walk out on us, so at the end of the day that is his loss...!!

god why are men so bloody awful to live with or talk to etc. it is bloody annoying if you ask me! *lol*

other than that side of things i just still dont seem to be myself i keep rowing with everyone again, upsetting people, and generally falling out all the time! its unbelievable i just dont know why i am like this, if i take my tablets then i am as miserable as i was when i started them beginning of october, and if i dont take them i am moody and tetchy and rude and stressy.. very difficult in some respects to be with or anything.. i am trying to cope as much as i can without the stupid Bedale mental health centre - as i am still waiting upon a bloody follow up from the 18th of November!!! my appetite is up and down one min i starving the next i dont wanna eat a thing, i still not sleeping properly and everything, i just wish that someone would bloody help me and give me some idea of what i am doing with myself and some idea of what i am meant to do and how to cope and get the help i need, but for some reason because i hide it all deep in side - very well i might add - that no one seems to believe there is something wrong, i mean yeah so i dont tell everyone how i feeling anymore, i dont open up i hide away for the day on my own in my room or something, but it doesnt mean there aint nothing wrong with me, i write when i depressed, or i keep my diary up to date or at least try, i put all my feelings down on paper or through notepad on the laptop etc. i just wish that someone would bloody help me sometimes. i had printed everything off to try and help explain and they've still not been in touch.. i mean what a lot of help they are.. NOT!!!

ohh i dunno.. i just dont know how much longer i can cope and how much longer it will take before everyone gets fed up with me and starts dropping me like hot potatoes!!