last night was very bad, was up till gone 8am this morning, i just couldnt settle i was high as a kite in places tired in others and then it just went round and round like a circle for the whole night, i eventually went to sleep took me a while as i was laying there thinking whats the point in going sleep now when i sleep all day blah blah blah although eventually i must had fallen asleep as i woke up to my mobile ringing at around half 12 although it is on silent i heard the vibrations but i couldnt work out what it was, they never rung back so i guess it wasnt important!?
i kept falling asleep waking up falling asleep and waking up most of the time i trying to get some sleep it is madness.. plus what makes matters worse is that i keep waking up various times whilst asleep in a cold or hot sweat but i dont know why.. its only been like it for a few weeks or so i guess.. i not sure!
eventually i got up around 4pm very very bad i am going to do my best to sit up all night tonight and go to sleep bit earlier tomorrow because this is silly.. all i do is sit up half the night because i cant settle or relax myself enough to go to sleep.. plus some nights i get that stupid "im scared to go to sleep" nonsense that comes out now and again .. i just upset myself because i am scared to go to sleep incase something happens to me in my sleep and no one knows or notices anything and well i guess i am afraid of dying.. although what makes the situation daft is that i kinda like self harm sometimes on a regular basis some i dont do for weeks on end and yet i am afraid of death - what is that about!? its stupid and i know that i am stupid and today i really feel like i just a spare part i am in the way of everything and everyone and i feel now that patience are running out with me now and i guess that is also what is scaring me the most.
i have gotten so bad now that when i see someone naked i get all nervous and concious i cant even watch my friend get in and out of the bath i have to hold a towel up over my eyes so i dont see and its just madness i just dont know whats wrong with me anymore, and i really wish that someone could see this and realise there is more to me than what meets the eye!
i am still disapointed and down about my assessment that i had on the 18th of november, as there wasnt really any outcome except for anxiety tabs and talking about getting help with the anxiety its like right, what about the other stuff.. and then said they are going to have a meeting about me and discuss further help they can supply me - which will end up with nothing again i bet!
why do i have to be soo bloody good at hiding everything all the goddamned time it sucks!! why cant i be like one of them people who have no problems expressing themself and letting on how they feel etc. why do i have to constantly sit in my shell and hide myself away all the time!? this seriously sucks now!! and to make matters even worse i have been taking Citalopram anti depressants, i was on 20mg for 2 months, and now i am on 40mg and i been on them over 2 weeks, so basically i am what, 2 and a half months in and i still feel miserable like i do each and every day from the moment i wake up to the moment i go to sleep.. nothing and no one is helping me and it is driving me mad, i really wish that someone cared enough to see me, some of the friends that say are friends bothered with me, rung me up every so often instead of talking to me once and then buggering off and not speaking to me again for months on end, same goes to my family, my grandparents moan i dont see them, aunts and uncles too but they dont see that it aint just me who is in the wrong as they would put it but they are too but no it always goes down on my shoulders, why dont anyone want to see me why dont none of my friends bother with me anymore!? am i that much of a problem that no one wants to be seen with me anymore!? am i that shamefull that no one wants to be with me or see me etc.!?
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