29th November

Today i am having a very slow day, i have spent it in bed as it is bloody cold out there, and all that i can hear is rain hitting the roof or the windows its kinda annoying as thats all the weather does is rain rain and rain some more.
not that i have a problem of the rain its just its driving me mad its all it does outside and all i can hear! and if it is not the rain it is the poxy winds!
i dunno i guess i am sick of the weather..? and i guess i am sick of what i am doing and who i am and everything?

for the past couple of days i have felt just invisible and unwanted and not needed either, i just see everyone around me happy when i am not in the room and every one getting on it is just awful i guess..
i mean i ruined my relationship, all because i am crap at being a girlfriend crap at being a friend and just generally crap at everything i guess.. i dunno i just wish that whatever i come across etc i ruin, i have caused various problems at home with my family for many years previous and including past relationships.. i dunno maybe i just not worthy of friends or family, i love my family very much, i also love my boyfriend, but i guess he has moved on now, and nothing i can do to change it, i wish i could i really really wish i could, but it is hard to make a difference when you have screwed up so many times before.
i just hope that i aint apart of the reason why my dad left, because he has had to deal with my brother and his autism, and probably cant handle having another child with problems, i mean yeah as i said before we are old enough now to make our own choices etc. but he is still my dad and i really wish my dad cares about me, i mean i rung him up last night, to tell him i needed his help as i ran out of pads due to my monthly thing.. and well he didnt ask how i was, how my brothers doing or even my sister, he just didnt ask a thing, and i guess i just wish i feel needed by someone, but i aint even needed by my own dad.. he has moved on moved out and everything.
i wish i didnt have this burden and i wish i could be normal like everybody else but i guess that aint gonna happen anytime soon.. wish it would do that though..