Sunday, February 28

Sunday Sunday Sunday...

Ok, WHY is it that Sundays are always the worst and boring day of the week!? and how is it that we always seem to know when its sunday...?
is it because i have no life that i find it extremely irratating...?
is is because i have my bus ticket but cant go far due to the buses stopping at half 6...?
or is is it just because i cant find anything to do!?

...god i seem really sad!? lol

I mean i thought it would had been nice, to relax today, the other half has gone out.. but i absolutely hate it!!
i feel the time has gone by so slowly and its just so depressing... let alone being down in the dumps about my ectopic pregnancy i had terminated on 26th...!
although today i have actually thought about how things would be different and wondered what they would be like if i hadnt had an ectopic pregnancy... thinking stuff like
...watching my belly grow
...seeing it on the screen for scans
...listening to its heartbeat
etc.. all this i long to have and witness for myself! and i really wish that this time was MY time... except now i have to wait at least 3 months to be able to start and try again, well thats if my body will enable me to have another baby :(
...i really hope it does!!

Saturday, February 27

Gone Too Soon...

Too very soon...

Today i wrote out a memorial page for my now Little Angel 'Billie' i named it because i felt it deserved a name, so i chose Billie as in some ways it is a Unisex Name - and i already know of people who have used names such as
and it was the first that come to my head anyway...

So here it is .. Billies Gone Too Soon Page.....

God Must Have Some Plans For My Angel That I Never Got To See, Never Got The Chance To Grow.. And Never Got A Chance...

I Love You Always Lil One xxx

never thought i would see the day..

..... that i would have to make an awful decision!!!

On the 12th feburay i found i was pregnant.. but i had a bleed.. so i panicked and was told on the phone by doctor to get in touch with A&E and get down there asap.. so as i couldnt get up there i had to call for an ambulence as i wasnt in the right frame of mind in the end.. i was then told that despite the bleed and still having some pregnancy symptoms it was a good sign... so off home i go knowing i AM pregnant...
come the 15th i had my scan booked, excited and nervous to be having it and heartbroken to learn there is nothing in my uterous.. put it down to a possible miscarriage and sent me off for blood tests, wasnt high enough hormones so more blood tests i have, still not high enough so have another one, still not high enough, have my scan 23rd feb, still nothing on the screen possible ectopic with the baby growing in my ovary.. more blood tests.. chance of having a normal pregnancy due to the hormones rocketing, more blood tests hormones rising slowly... scan again 26th feb.. still nothing on scan, so now its confirmed ectopic... 
i was then told that i had two choices .. both of which werent good but i had to choose one....
Injection to kill/stop the cells growing or an operations to remove the cells and be in hospital for 2 days with chances and risks of complications...

so i chose the Injection, i had to terminate the pregnancy, i had no choice.. it was that or death and either way the baby wouldnt grow/survive and i would then be putting myself at risk so i had to do the "right" thing.....

Personally.... the "Termination" hasnt sunk in yet, well not properly.. i keep getting upset now and again in little spurts.. but thats how i am in some respects normally with my BPD.. but yesterday was really hard, and personally i dont know where and how i got the courage to get through all that i have these last 2 weeks.. 
apart of it feels like i have done all this for nothing, and apart of me is a tiny bit glad i got the chance to be pregnant... (due to being sure i was infertile)

So, now, i am in some ways i have my own special little angel ...

despite what others may think or feel about that.. but i was 8weeks and it was a very tiny baby that was in my belly :(

Now, this leaves me with:
more blood tests Monday & Thursday to make sure the hormone levels are decreasing... if not i have another injection next Friday :(
and this now leaves me.. with no pregnancy and no baby :(

Tuesday, February 23

when good news become bad..

So i found out on the 12th feb i am pregnant..

thought yes, my life has turned around and is going be better, until today, i had my second scan and still nothing is showing up on the scan :( which means its ectopic, and they feel and think that it is growing on my left ovary... but after blood tests today it will show...?

i am gutted, i really hoped i could have a baby, and i just hope that i dont have to have any of my ovaries or womb etc. removed... it would kill and thats what is kind of worrying me at the moment i guess..

still i wont know for sure until the doctor rings with my results and we go from there!

Saturday, February 20

what a nightmare...

i havent been posting for the last week due to not being able to say or know whats going on till i knew for sure...
but on the 9th Feb, i had gone to doctors for a suspected pregnancy, got my results back on the 12th and ended up in A&E lol
When i was informed of the results i burst into tears and was panicking on the phone, she informed me to go to hospital so i did - in an Ambulence.. woopwoop my first time i get to go in one as i wasnt with it, and because i couldnt get to A&E! lol
so i found out that i am pregnant, regardless of the bleeding i was having at the time (stopped the day after thankgod)
so i spent this last week wondering whats going on, and having blood tests checking my hormone levels! lol

still.. i had one today and i find out results Monday afternoon... so fingers crossed its OK and i still get to have a scan on tuesday too.. fingers crossed...

Friday, February 12

Watch It...

oh my god...

my brother sat here and said he would give me £10 if he was right about the drugs mule advert thing... and i said what you give me tenner if you right and he said yeh etc.
and then cow bag decided that i had to give him the money not other way around! says that he meant that if he right i give him tenner!

talk about being conned out of money!!!

Flowers.... For ME...?

Yesterday i recieved a box of flowers in the post..
The bloke i been seeing for the last 2 years bought them, to cheer me up and one of various attempts to win me heart (i think & hope) lol

These are some of the pictures i took this morning:

(pebbles our cat having a nosey despite the flowers sitting on the mantle piece all day yesterday)

.. i have never recieved flowers ever before n my life! and when i got them i was like OMG OMG OMG and then... what do i do with them....?
silly, eh?

Thursday, February 11

My Friend's Gig...

So, last night i actually went out, i mean went out out ... i went out to the Unicorn Pub in bognor, and watched my friend play his guitar and sing - LIVE!
i have not been out to see him in a long while, due to not going out much and staying indoors.

I really enjoyed it, and he was amazing!!!

^^ This Is Paul ^^

^^ Michelle & Jenny ^^

^^ This Is Me With Paul ^^

^^ This is a random picture of me, thought i would share ^^

.. i had a really good evening, despite the problems i have within my self at the moment (personal ones) and i couldnt drink because of them, but still i had a good time, and cant wait till it comes about again really..!

Wednesday, February 10

An 80's Night...

We held an 80's night for Cancer Research,
Originally our plan was to help bring a family we'd become good friends with for a holiday in bognor as it was her dying wish... so i agreed and booked a caravan and everything, after the party they had turned on me, hurling and throwing abuse at me etc.
when i hadnt done anything wrong but help bring them their wishes...! i was gutted, and gobsmacked.. so i cancelled everything, their holiday everything... and the money which was rasied i took into the cancer research shop in Bognor, and handed over ALL the money.

Not many people turned up to my event, despite how much advertising i did and i had at the time over 300 friends on facebook ... but still it turned out to be a good event - i think...

here are some pictures from the event:

...We did this is in May 2009... and now even thinking about holding another similar event such as the one we had done last year.

What A Bitch....

Ok, so i made my first layout today! yay

and i think i might do them more often, so looks like i be making a page/website up about my layouts!

watch this space...

oh by way, what you think of new layout with the kisses!?

Sunday, February 7

..Whats Occuring...


Sooo, maybe i had gone and finally bought myself the Gavin and Stacey series 1-3 boxset *woopwoop*

...i saw one episode the one with Bryn & Ness singing Island In The Stream... i think? i wasnt totally sure about it but i watched it again and then i watched the Christmas Special and i enjoyed that, but i never got the chance to watch  series 3 =( well apart from the last episode of series 3!!! lol
Today i am watching some of the series seen as i get moaned at for watching Friends..!!! lol

Good News...?

So i had my appointment with Kevin - the bloke i see at our local surgery for my mental health problems, and the site i had found for the STEPPS programme i had mentioned before a few months ago, i had read and i asked if i could go for it - yay go me! - website here
Oh, and it looks like that i can hopefully get a proper diagnosis so that it might also actually give me some idea on few things and i can actually say "I do have BPD - i finally got a proper diagnosis" etc. and also this way it might actually help make me realise i do have it regardless and make me come to terms to it too.
Fingers crossed me thinks.

Saturday, February 6

You Don't Know What You Got Till It's Gone....

and i found out the hard way!!

on the 1st feb, i woke (startled) to the sounds of my loverly mother shouting there is no internet or phoneline - had been cut off due to no payments from neither my mom, or dad!
so again we had to suffer the consequences of mum n dads divorce thing.. so from the 1st feb to the 4th we had to deal without the net, it was difficult as all we had was our mobiles for the internet, and it pretty much limits itself with what you can go on, so we stuck with Facebook - which was awful especially when it didnt want to always sign in and allow you to do anything on the site *sigh* i can tell you, i had been tempted various times to throw my phone out the window as it was just so frustrating, mainly because we have everything we require and need and want in front of us and we never second think things.
Makes you realise i few things tooo... such as
  • how other people cope without
  • how other people live without the things we have and they dont
  • what its like to not have the things we have grown up with and made major parts of lives
the difficulty of not having them also gives bit more time for family - but in my case it was mainly just myself and my mom, and she spent most of her time moaning about facebook and i spent it watching dvds and trying to play the WII and PS2 as much as i could - but that still wasnt exactly good enough... but still..

Lets just hope now the internet will stay on with us, and we dont have to worry about it again - as selfish as it sounds!