What A Christmas I Had...

This year Christmas was really hard for me and I don't know why..

Beginning of December my sister had messaged my mum and I and said that her and her hubby had been talking and they decided that they wanted to have Christmas Day to themselves and for us to go round on Boxing Day instead. I was happy to do it that way as I just go with the flow and don't really mind what I do as long as I see my sister her hubby and my 3 nephews then I am happy no matter what I do. So my brother and his fiance asked what we were doing this year and they had invited us both over for Christmas Day and I had been contemplating it for a few weeks and couldn't work out what I wanted to do for the best. I wanted to spend Christmas Day with my brother as it had been a long time since we spent time together but I knew that I wouldn't be able to afford the taxi fair as it was double time and it already costs £20 to go to Littlehampton in a cab as my mum had done it in the past. So that kind of put me off. But I also knew that I haven't been feeling 100% still I am getting there but still not fully there. And I didn't want to have a few issues during the day and ruin it for everyone including my mum. So I was adamant that I wanted to stay at home this year and had been saying that's what I wanted until the weekend before Christmas when I got a text from my best friend asking me what my plans were and that she the hubby and kids would be happy if I joined them. So I started contemplating that. I knew that at least IF I couldn't continue and I had had enough I had the choice of when I wanted to go home. And it would mean that my mum wouldn't have to leave early because of me and she deserved this she deserved a good Christmas and a good Christmas Dinner so I told her she should go and I would sort something else out and that I'd catch up with her before we go to my sisters.

Christmas Eve I went to Midnight Mass that I've been doing for the last 3 years and it was a lovely service, different from the years before as well which was interesting. At least they don't stick to the same carols or story line etc. I didn't get back until a little before 1am on Christmas Morning and I was then awake till gone 5am as I couldn't sleep.
I woke up Christmas Day around 10am and I didn't want to get out of bed. I just couldn't stop crying and I don't know why. I eventually managed to get in the shower and even when I got out I started crying again.. I forced myself to get dressed and I got a text from my bestie saying that dinner was almost ready and she was gonna give me time for him to come and get me and I text straight back saying "no, send him now" I had already got my presents ready and bagged up so I just put my shoes on pulled my big girl pants up with my leggings and wiped the tears away and went downstairs to find him already there waiting for me. So I composed myself, took a deep breath and walked out the front door. I checked my complexion in his mirror of the car and wiped my eyes and we chatted a little in the car. When I got there I had a cigarette waiting for me so I took the gifts inside and went back out for the fag. I chatted with her daughters boyfriend who was there with their baby (my Goddaughter) and he asked how I was feeling and I admitted I didn't know what was wrong with me and burst into tears again! He gave me a hug and was so lovely he was reassuring me and said that they all love me and that he's here for me. It's lovely to hear that people do care about me when I feel and think no one really does but that is a BPD trait unfortunately and no matter what I try and do it's not going to change so easily. When we went in they poured me a couple of glasses of bucks fizz - I know they're not very strong but it was a start. I had taken a bottle of Kopperburg Rose with me that I brought back in the summer and has just sat in the fridge (I drank the whole bottle within a couple of hours)
We did a little gift giving and one of the gifts my bestie had made for me made me cry and I got some really nice bits from her and her hubby and her 3 younger kids all saved up their pocket money and brought and chose their own gifts. I was so touched by their gifts and give them all a hug.
After we did out gift giving I went back to her parents house with the rest of her family and we played cards and they all ate bits at the table luckily I was given a mini box with some left over gammon and stuffing so I ate some of that. Her dad saved me some of the stuffing that he makes every year it is just amazing and cannot explain what it tastes like or what is in it because I don't really know.
I was up and down all evening and it was all getting a little bit much for me but we had quite a few breaks whilst playing cards luckily so I had a few fags and I was still drinking. I had taken a bottle of lemonade with me along with some peach schnapps.
When I got home I reflected on the day and I broke down again and got emotional after realizing what I had done and how I coped etc. I ended up staying awake till around 5am Boxing Day!

As I mentioned I fell asleep around 5am on Boxing day morning and I woke up around 10 but I kept snoozing till around 12ish because I was just so tired and exhausted. My mum came to me around 2:30ish in the end and we had a catch up and we talked about how her day went with my brother and his fiance and how mine went with my best friend and then I gave her my gifts and she gave me some money as she didn't know what to get me bless her but I said it was fine because it can go into my savings and go towards something I need. We left mine around 4pm and headed round to my sisters.. We gave the boys our gifts I had a couple of pictures taken with my nephews and I got told off by my youngest for trying to help him take his tickle me Elmo out of its box pmsl they are so funny and they loved their bits.. us adults which was my sister her hubby mum and I had a nice Chinese to eat which was amazing! I tried some satay chicken which was lush and had a bit of what I usually eat which is crispy chilli chicken and grilled lemon chicken along with chicken balls and chips. I felt so fat after eating that and surprised I managed to walk home I was so bloated lol

I have to admit I had a better day Boxing Day. And although I was adamant that I wanted to stay at home by myself I am kinda glad that I didn't. I am still exhausted but that's because I still need to catch up on my sleep lol hopefully I will eventually but I am not worried at the moment.

Things That Make You Wonder .... "WHY"

Over the last few days, I have been finding various things out, and I don't like what I see..
I run graphics through a friend page on Facebook, and over the last few months I have come to meet some nice people, some not so nice.
Worst thing is, the not so nice things come from someone whom you classed as a 'friend'
Everyone has their opinions, I am not saying they don't, but surely if you had a problem with someone you would therefore explain it to someone to hope to solve the differences or just brush it off and ignore it because you know full well that saying something would cause drama.. Or so you think!
I've been hurt and distraught over people taking advantage of me, and reporting me for silly little things left right and centre, but never did I expect to see it come from someone whom you class as a friend..
1st problem - made a graphic to print, laminate & post - which I did, but then claimed never got it and then set a month long problem with PayPal.. Got their refund & their graphic *sigh*
2nd problem - made a timeline cover & display picture to help out a 'friend' for free - stole my design stuck them onto t-shirts and sold them *sigh*
3rd problem - a 'friend' criticise my work, wrote how they wanted to hurt me, and blocked me from seeing everything on their page - god knows why :\ and now I think I've fallen out with my friend over it..
This is the 3rd thing to go wrong since doing my graphics, all in the space of months! Something is starting to tell me that maybe I am wasting my time and efforts in doing what I am doing, and I should just give up..
Another part of me is telling myself to not give up and let these people win, because there are people out there whom have come forward and told me how my work has helped them grieve and so much more..
I don't want to let people down, but I don't want people criticising me and being generally rude for no reason at all.. I've never criticised them or their work, and I have been doing what I do for the last 7 years, not to mention the 2 year gap! But I still designed websites for friends..
Really wish I knew what gave people the idea to say things like this, especially to fellow designers and friends!!

I get a lot of my inspiration from other graphics.. I look at them and think
" ohh wow I like that, I wonder if I can do it too "
And so I try, sometimes I fail, sometimes I don't..

Its not my fault a lot of the scrap kits are free to download, some are to purchase.. Not to mention having over 1000 of tubes!
All my work I do in Paintshop Pro X2 and I love it and love using it.. I am always learning new things.

What Is Happening To Me..?

This morning i woke up to my "brother" hurling abuse about me and to me over my facebook page... and i still have not got down to the "real" reason.. he keeps saying:

- "your the biggest bitch in the world"

- "your a BULLY"

- "you ruined my life"

and various things along that line... but the one thing that hurt me the most was this:

"You ficked your life up by getting knocked up. Its your fault all this and I'm glad your baby is dead, i don't care! you would had ruined it's life, like you do everyone elses"

..to what did i deserve those cruel words!?

I tell you why i think i got that kind of abuse - i stood up for my mother, he was hurling abuse at her because..

1 - his phone was barred and didnt know why

2 - his ps3 controller wasnt working, so went up stairs to bash it up some more

3 - mum paid HIS phone bill and threatened her because it wasnt HIS fault (yet the sim is in HIS phone.. work that out)

i cant believe that my own flesh and blood, my own brother, would use them cruel words! i have never ever heard anything like it, and i have had abuse thrown at me before now many a times!

It was dreadful.. my brother was there when i got the results of my pregnancy..

my brother was there sitting with me in the ambulence when i had to go to A&E as i was bleeding.. 

my brother was there with me sitting in A&E

my brother was there talking about how cool it would be to be an uncle and how he would like to be called

my brother was there for me that day i found out it was ectopic..

my brother was there for me few days later when i come back from the hospital after the emergancy operation

....all these things he had done for me and been there for me which was just amazing to then turn around few days later and say these harmful words...?

I'm deeply hurt, and deeply gobsmacked

=(

^This Is Me, Dan & Becci (92/93)^

^ this is me with dan (04/05) ^

^ this is most recent pic of dan and me (08/09?) ^

...we looked so happy.... what on earth happened to my brother....?

Cut Me Some Slack..

Today i am very tired.. i didnt sleep well after going to bed around 3am i did not sleep very well i couldnt get what happened before hand with this girl upsetting me and causing me problems..
It was dreadful everyone tells me i am strong after what i been through so i shouldnt let her ruin me, but it is hard when stuff like that has been said and sent to my phone that i now have to change my mobile number just to stop the hurt and abuse coming through to me first!
Trouble is, she threats me all the time, been threatening with some person to beat me to pulp twice in space of few hours that never even happened.. and threatening to come over again today! and what makes it worse is she lies to get the attention and then my other half texts her to find out what she playing at etc. but as he says, she does it to wind me up and upset me and play mind games with me.. but if that is the case, then why does he continue to allow the idiot to threaten us and text her because she says she is coming over when she really isnt!?

i wish i had the answers and i really wish none of this ever happened.. but unfortantly the little girl gets off on the attention and rows that have been going on with her for the last few months, possibily the last year.
All she goes on about is being pregnant.. but for a pregnant person she sure dont act like it.. threatening, causing rows, upset - not just towards us but it involves her too but no, instead of leaving us alone she continues to cause problems!
some people are stupid, strange, cruel, manipulative and heartles...!!
...no wonder this girl has no friends really.. and is about to loose her job - talk about nut job....

Why Are People Cruel & Heartless....?

Today..

I am being blamed for ruining someones life, when i have done nothing to this person in question.

For months and months and months she has been told where to go and to leave me alone etc. but she ignores mine and tims requests and turning it around to say that he doesnt want me and he wants her etc. and thats how it goes..

Tonight i have been told that i will have killed two babies...

but i genuinly cannot see how i have done this, i am the one who has been recieving messages saying stuff like:

"im going to abort my baby just to keep you happy"

"i am taking all my tablets just to make you happy"

..she keeps threatening me with killing her self etc, and blaming it all on me, i do not understand why...

It aint my fault that tim doesnt want her,

but because she knows of my BPD(borderline personality disorder) & Anxiety & Depression.. she now knows about the baby i have just lost.. etc.

she knows that she can get to me because of the way i am!

she has sent me a picture tonight of what is meant to be her baby ... telling me that it was that that i would be killing!

i am distraught and very mixed up and confused, how can someone put that amount of pressure on someone..

i myself do not know if i am coming or going as it is let alone having some mental case telling me i am killing her baby

i've also recieved endless amounts of threats to be beaten to a pulp... and everything

=(

i am genuinely feeling fed up...

fed up with being threatened to be beaten to a pulp

fed up being the reason why someone is aborting their baby

fed up with being the reason why she has to cause problems

i aint exactly done anything to her, it aint my fault that tim dont want her... is it!?

i am so confused.. distraught.. scared.. mixed up...

Has Been Thinking..

And i feel and think that maybe it is wise that i cut myself off from the world..
Like, hide away in a house all the time, and keep myself away from people, sort of like being locked up in a cell or a room or something, so that i not at risk to people anymore?
I feel strongly that i am just no good of person to be around anymore and i aint wanted nothing..

I hate change, and im scared of what will happen...

Today i loose my mind..

I just had my first break down in a long while..

I feel so angry, tense and i just wanna rip my skin off my body.. i just feel so alone today and fed up and i just dont know what to do to make anything better anymore
I have just got really angry and scared myself and spent the best part of the last hour or so crying, i hate having this bpd its no fun anymore.. i hate it but i am scared to sort it out because i hate change!

I feel as though everyone forgets about me, i am invisible to the world and no one likes me anymore!

I cant help who i am...

1st March

what to say about today....?
had a bad nights sleep... and got up early-ish to go to the hospital for my blood test to see if my hormones are decreasing yet, got my second one thursday and then shall decide if i need the second injection....
and spent the day with the other half in Chichester wondering around bit going in and out of shops

even went to see my mummy at work today =) which was fun!

hasnt been all that bad today, even if i did sit in mcdonalds and i felt sad and i still feel it now writing this, but i should realise and know that i did the right thing, but i still feel and wish that my baby was IN my WOMB and nowhere else and i would be happy and able to say YAY I PREGNANT........... but no!! :(
its hard and i keep upsetting myself half the time, but i just wish that i had my own baby my own chance to do something good and be a mom like everyone else i know!

never thought i would see the day..

..... that i would have to make an awful decision!!!

On the 12th feburay i found i was pregnant.. but i had a bleed.. so i panicked and was told on the phone by doctor to get in touch with A&E and get down there asap.. so as i couldnt get up there i had to call for an ambulence as i wasnt in the right frame of mind in the end.. i was then told that despite the bleed and still having some pregnancy symptoms it was a good sign... so off home i go knowing i AM pregnant...

come the 15th i had my scan booked, excited and nervous to be having it and heartbroken to learn there is nothing in my uterous.. put it down to a possible miscarriage and sent me off for blood tests, wasnt high enough hormones so more blood tests i have, still not high enough so have another one, still not high enough, have my scan 23rd feb, still nothing on the screen possible ectopic with the baby growing in my ovary.. more blood tests.. chance of having a normal pregnancy due to the hormones rocketing, more blood tests hormones rising slowly... scan again 26th feb.. still nothing on scan, so now its confirmed ectopic... 

i was then told that i had two choices .. both of which werent good but i had to choose one....

Injection to kill/stop the cells growing or an operations to remove the cells and be in hospital for 2 days with chances and risks of complications...

so i chose the Injection, i had to terminate the pregnancy, i had no choice.. it was that or death and either way the baby wouldnt grow/survive and i would then be putting myself at risk so i had to do the "right" thing.....

Personally.... the "Termination" hasnt sunk in yet, well not properly.. i keep getting upset now and again in little spurts.. but thats how i am in some respects normally with my BPD.. but yesterday was really hard, and personally i dont know where and how i got the courage to get through all that i have these last 2 weeks.. 

apart of it feels like i have done all this for nothing, and apart of me is a tiny bit glad i got the chance to be pregnant... (due to being sure i was infertile)

So, now, i am in some ways i have my own special little angel ...

despite what others may think or feel about that.. but i was 8weeks and it was a very tiny baby that was in my belly :(

Now, this leaves me with:

more blood tests Monday & Thursday to make sure the hormone levels are decreasing... if not i have another injection next Friday :(

and this now leaves me.. with no pregnancy and no baby :(

Good News...?

So i had my appointment with Kevin - the bloke i see at our local surgery for my mental health problems, and the site i had found for the STEPPS programme i had mentioned before a few months ago, i had read and i asked if i could go for it - yay go me! - website here
Oh, and it looks like that i can hopefully get a proper diagnosis so that it might also actually give me some idea on few things and i can actually say "I do have BPD - i finally got a proper diagnosis" etc. and also this way it might actually help make me realise i do have it regardless and make me come to terms to it too.
Fingers crossed me thinks.

Dear Ohh Dear Ohh Dear...

Things are still on the downer for me at the moment,
after realising alot of stuff (posted in blogs before) i had put myself in an awkward place and position! and again i find myself trying to undo it sometimes..
I am not self harming, good thing? (who knows) - however i have become and gained some what violent thoughts and feelings about myself more than others! i mean, yeah, i wanna hit someone/something but its struggling to keep it under covers and keeping it together - thats the hard and worst thing! *sigh*

...really i need to get back to the doctors and tell them, but they will give me more tablets and again i will take them for a couple of weeks and stop again as for some reason i get frustrated with them in knowing that it will take some time to work but i dont want to wait forever! and i think thats why i keep giving up again! *sniff*

I have some interview thing with the Job Centre for my Benefits on Thursday, i think i might just get up bit earlier and ring the doctors and make appointments to see someone, i have Kevin on the 5th Feb now, as i cancelled on the 12th Jan due to having a coldy thing!!
I really need to get my act together, need to sort myself out. but it is very hard when i have no one to reach out to for help (other than my mum, but she is a working lady at the mo)

Fingers crossed for me to actually sort myself out again this time eh!?