I'll Be Glad When Things Are Better...

Unfortunately things haven't started to improve for me yet and it is starting to get more stressful and frustrating. Although it's not on purpose it is an accident but it doesn't stop me feeling the way I do and it's not fair on my family more than anything because I am just constantly letting people down left, right and center.

The issue I am having is I have always had problems with sleeping so it is hard to work out what is going wrong or why etc.
Earlier on I realized that I have started clock watching, on the door to my kitchen there was hooks up that was left by the woman who lived here before me and I was gifted a Nightmare Before Christmas clock for Christmas that I automatically put on the door so I could see it. But, since the changes with my medication I have been looking at the clock more trying to work out how much sleep I should get and what time would be a reasonable time to get up etc. That in turn has messed my anxiety up and I am stressing about sleeping and waking up at a reasonable time and its frustrating as well. So today I decided to move the clock to a different part of the room and replaced it with a canvas that my mum brought me for my birthday with a picture of me and my 3 nephews.
Hopefully now with seeing my nephews instead of my clock I should be able to stop stressing worrying and getting frustrated with myself when I cannot sleep.

I do need to sort out getting in to see my doctor before Christmas so I can start sorting this mess out. I also need to speak to the lady that I see now called Michelle, she was meant to ring me Wednesday but she didn't and I was meant to ring her back but with the issues I am having it accidentally slipped my mind and I was more pissed off with myself.

Apart of me is now wondering IF the Mirtazapine that I was originally taking was working not fully to the point it helped with my moods and I was still not sleeping properly. But at least with them as well I was eventually able to switch off but now I cannot do that.
The test is tonight to see if having the clock moved and having the canvas up helps change the way I get some sleep but I am still wondering if it's the changes in the medication that is still messing with my body. But trying to talk to someone about it is starting to drive me insane because no one seems to understand or want to listen or help.

On top of the medication issues I am still struggling with my feelings and everything and it doesn't help that it is almost Christmas. I struggle with it every year and this year I am more stressed and worried about it than I usually am. This year things are going to be different as I will not be seeing my sister on Christmas Day which is fine I totally understand what she is saying because every year since we've been going round there she's stressed because she has her mother in law for lunch and she has to cook and clean for then and when she goes she's gotta tidy up more so that my mum and I can go round for tea and she gets stressed and so this year she decided they wanted to do christmas just the 5 of them which is cool as it means she's not under too much pressure and she can enjoy it more with the kids.
We've got like almost 2 weeks left and all I have brought for is my nephews and my new goddaughter. I have so much left to do and sort out in time and it's really getting to me.

I am also still struggling with the death of my Granddad. It be 2 years in around 3 weeks time that he passed away and I still haven't accepted it. I went to see him in the funeral home and it was scary as it was something I had never done before. Then the funeral was hard and I even gave a little eulogy sharing some of the memories that he has shared with me over the years. Also, I had a tattoo done in his memory and I have a picture of him up on the shelf and I still haven't gone to his grave. I haven't done it because I don't want it to feel or be real but I think I am going to have to accept it sooner rather than later because this isn't going to get any easier and I think its time I did something about it. I am terrified of how I am going to feel and how I will react. I also don't want to come out of my bubble I don't think I am ready to accept this but I think it might be time that I did that, it may help me in the long run I don't know but apart of me feels like I cant carry on pretending everything is "ok".

I have so much I need to confront and sort out but it is finding the "right time" if there ever is a right time. Especially since there is 24 days left of 2019 and I am going to enter 2020 the same way I have every year. I think I need to actually make a new year resolution this year and try and stick to it because I think it is going to have to be that I find myself and make myself better or try too. I cannot continue like this. I am 32 years old now I am still terrified of the thought of having a baby because of what I went through. I want a family I want so much for myself and I am not going to get it like this. I hate the way my life has panned out. I honestly thought that I would have a family and a nice home and a good job etc. but instead I live in a building with 27 other flats full of people I do not know or speak too.
This is one of the worst things I do to myself and thats compare my life to everyone elses and I need to stop because it's not helping me move on or make myself better. I guess I just want what everyone else has..?

T'was The Night Before Christmas...

I can't believe that it is the 24th December 2014!!

Where has this year gone!?

I have mixed feeling's this year though, I am looking forward to seeing my sister, brother-in-law and nephew for tea and for them to open their pressies and to open ours from them.

But, I do feel sad due to the amount of stories on Facebook with picture's and status' about their children opening letter's from Santa, leaving out milk and cookies or mince pies and also some food for the reindeer it does upset me a little bit because I should be doing all of this myself keeping the magic and the spirit of Christmas alive.. I do make a big thing about Santa when it comes to the little ones and my nephew being one of them as he's learning a little more about it this year which is good :)

Although there are people missing from our life, in our hearts and mind is where they'll stay.

Gotta find my Christmas Spirit in me ready for tomorrow evening when I have tea at my sister's

Wish me luck

Wishing All Of You Out There A Very Merry Christmas And A Happy New Year

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oops..

well so much for me keeping an online diary of daily events and how i cope with them etc. looks like i given up on this, as well as i did everything and pretty much everyone else!
before xmas, i decided i wasnt going to take my tablets anymore, i was taking sertraline, but i felt nothing was working so i stopped them too - which was probably a stupid idea, but i believe now it has been about a month, 4 weeks i have not been taking them and i still feel pretty low! - perhaps its a sign that i should go back to the doctor! but it is very difficult..
things still not getting better between my dad and my mum.. but i guess that is something they need to sort out themselves - but i just cant help but wonder..
i think most of the reason why i gave up with this 'diary' is because
1 - noone reads it
2 - it is stupid
3 - noone reads it
4 - its boring
5 - pointless!!

..or least thats what i feel, and well maybe some have said! but i guess not everyone wants to know what really goes on in the head of a "mental person" !!! lol

so much for a happy new year....

Welcome 2010..

The first blog of 2010

I celebrated 2010 in with family, it wasnt the party i had expected but i did spend it with:
My Aunt & Uncle, Grandparents, their friend Anne & my Uncles Mum too..
I watched them singing on the karaoke and singing on the PS2 games Singstar. then we sat down and played a couple of rounds of the Buzz Game Sports.. i wasnt very good at it i know nothing about sports lol but i do however know a fair amount of Music, but where the Music Quiz is only 4 players.

I trust and hope that everyone had a brilliant new year and a brilliant fun filled pary night last night to celebrate in 2010.

I have not made no New Years Resolutions, as of yet, but there could be a slight chance i may make some as there are a few things i would like to change i think, and i would also need to sort myself out properly this time as it is a new start and a new year.

New Year, New Start...

Woop Woop

.. today is finally the last of 2009 .. and a start of a new decade tomorrow 2010 .. hard to believe this time 10 years ago we were celebrating the millenium and expecting the "millenium bug"..

i think i had best make some new year resolutions, lol but i made so many last year and then forgot what i wanted to do and then nothing ever got done! lol

at least tomorrow is a new year and it shall be a new start..!! =)

xx Happy New Year Everyone xx