Today marks 2 years since my grandfather passed away, and today I just feel so numb.
I am feeling different to the way I did last year and the day when he passed away it is weird and just hard to explain.
Yesterday was my Aunt's birthday and that was the day (28.12.17) that I got the call telling me that Grandad is very poorly and they were sure that he was going to go. When I got there he was asleep and he had woke up and was laughing with us joking and farting away like he always does. But after a while he changed and he just went back to sleep again.
I think about that day often, when I got there my Nan, Great Aunt Lilian (Grandads sister) my Aunt and her hubby was there with 3 of my cousins and their boyfriend & girlfriend, my other aunt and cousin and just remember the conversation he had before he just slept. He told us that he had a dream and that he went to heaven and that we were all there with him. My uncle told him jokingly that he was being silly to which my grandad turned around and said "Fuck the lot of you then. I wont take you to Heaven with me" when everyone went home I just wanted to sit with my grandad a little longer and so I did. I just sat there and held his hand looking at him and I didn't say anything.. I just didn't want to leave him but my friend was on her way to pick me up and so I let one of the nurses know I was leaving. He passed away early hours 29.12.17. We think he passed away the moment my dad flew back into the UK as he was in Sweden on holiday. I didn't know anything about it until my mum rang me. My aunt and uncle knew that I wanted to be told if anything happened but my dad decided that he wanted to tell us himself in the morning. I rang him and said whats going on and he went "oh yeah theres something I need to tell you Grandad has gone!" I was so angry because I was meant to be told as soon as there was any changes. Only reason I found out through my mum was because he rang his brother who has had nothing to do with Grandad for years first. Who in turn told Grandads brother and his wife that he had passed away and she took it upon herself to message my mum :(
I remember it all and I remember when I went to see my Grandad in the funeral home on what would've been his 79th birthday just over a week later. I talked to a couple of people about going and they was worried about me doing it because of the state I was in with my mental health already and they was worried it would affect any of my memories and despite what I saw I have to admit that it never tainted of my memories. It gave me a new one, but not ruined any of the other ones I have growing up..
If I could change one thing, well some things I would go back and change that I didn't just sit in silence and that I talked to him more once everyone had left and I wish that I could change it so that he never got poorly and he was still here...
Sunday, December 29
Saturday, December 28
What A Christmas I Had...
This year Christmas was really hard for me and I don't know why..
Beginning of December my sister had messaged my mum and I and said that her and her hubby had been talking and they decided that they wanted to have Christmas Day to themselves and for us to go round on Boxing Day instead. I was happy to do it that way as I just go with the flow and don't really mind what I do as long as I see my sister her hubby and my 3 nephews then I am happy no matter what I do. So my brother and his fiance asked what we were doing this year and they had invited us both over for Christmas Day and I had been contemplating it for a few weeks and couldn't work out what I wanted to do for the best. I wanted to spend Christmas Day with my brother as it had been a long time since we spent time together but I knew that I wouldn't be able to afford the taxi fair as it was double time and it already costs £20 to go to Littlehampton in a cab as my mum had done it in the past. So that kind of put me off. But I also knew that I haven't been feeling 100% still I am getting there but still not fully there. And I didn't want to have a few issues during the day and ruin it for everyone including my mum. So I was adamant that I wanted to stay at home this year and had been saying that's what I wanted until the weekend before Christmas when I got a text from my best friend asking me what my plans were and that she the hubby and kids would be happy if I joined them. So I started contemplating that. I knew that at least IF I couldn't continue and I had had enough I had the choice of when I wanted to go home. And it would mean that my mum wouldn't have to leave early because of me and she deserved this she deserved a good Christmas and a good Christmas Dinner so I told her she should go and I would sort something else out and that I'd catch up with her before we go to my sisters.
Christmas Eve I went to Midnight Mass that I've been doing for the last 3 years and it was a lovely service, different from the years before as well which was interesting. At least they don't stick to the same carols or story line etc. I didn't get back until a little before 1am on Christmas Morning and I was then awake till gone 5am as I couldn't sleep.
I woke up Christmas Day around 10am and I didn't want to get out of bed. I just couldn't stop crying and I don't know why. I eventually managed to get in the shower and even when I got out I started crying again.. I forced myself to get dressed and I got a text from my bestie saying that dinner was almost ready and she was gonna give me time for him to come and get me and I text straight back saying "no, send him now" I had already got my presents ready and bagged up so I just put my shoes on pulled my big girl pants up with my leggings and wiped the tears away and went downstairs to find him already there waiting for me. So I composed myself, took a deep breath and walked out the front door. I checked my complexion in his mirror of the car and wiped my eyes and we chatted a little in the car. When I got there I had a cigarette waiting for me so I took the gifts inside and went back out for the fag. I chatted with her daughters boyfriend who was there with their baby (my Goddaughter) and he asked how I was feeling and I admitted I didn't know what was wrong with me and burst into tears again! He gave me a hug and was so lovely he was reassuring me and said that they all love me and that he's here for me. It's lovely to hear that people do care about me when I feel and think no one really does but that is a BPD trait unfortunately and no matter what I try and do it's not going to change so easily. When we went in they poured me a couple of glasses of bucks fizz - I know they're not very strong but it was a start. I had taken a bottle of Kopperburg Rose with me that I brought back in the summer and has just sat in the fridge (I drank the whole bottle within a couple of hours)
We did a little gift giving and one of the gifts my bestie had made for me made me cry and I got some really nice bits from her and her hubby and her 3 younger kids all saved up their pocket money and brought and chose their own gifts. I was so touched by their gifts and give them all a hug.
After we did out gift giving I went back to her parents house with the rest of her family and we played cards and they all ate bits at the table luckily I was given a mini box with some left over gammon and stuffing so I ate some of that. Her dad saved me some of the stuffing that he makes every year it is just amazing and cannot explain what it tastes like or what is in it because I don't really know.
I was up and down all evening and it was all getting a little bit much for me but we had quite a few breaks whilst playing cards luckily so I had a few fags and I was still drinking. I had taken a bottle of lemonade with me along with some peach schnapps.
When I got home I reflected on the day and I broke down again and got emotional after realizing what I had done and how I coped etc. I ended up staying awake till around 5am Boxing Day!
As I mentioned I fell asleep around 5am on Boxing day morning and I woke up around 10 but I kept snoozing till around 12ish because I was just so tired and exhausted. My mum came to me around 2:30ish in the end and we had a catch up and we talked about how her day went with my brother and his fiance and how mine went with my best friend and then I gave her my gifts and she gave me some money as she didn't know what to get me bless her but I said it was fine because it can go into my savings and go towards something I need. We left mine around 4pm and headed round to my sisters.. We gave the boys our gifts I had a couple of pictures taken with my nephews and I got told off by my youngest for trying to help him take his tickle me Elmo out of its box pmsl they are so funny and they loved their bits.. us adults which was my sister her hubby mum and I had a nice Chinese to eat which was amazing! I tried some satay chicken which was lush and had a bit of what I usually eat which is crispy chilli chicken and grilled lemon chicken along with chicken balls and chips. I felt so fat after eating that and surprised I managed to walk home I was so bloated lol
I have to admit I had a better day Boxing Day. And although I was adamant that I wanted to stay at home by myself I am kinda glad that I didn't. I am still exhausted but that's because I still need to catch up on my sleep lol hopefully I will eventually but I am not worried at the moment.
Beginning of December my sister had messaged my mum and I and said that her and her hubby had been talking and they decided that they wanted to have Christmas Day to themselves and for us to go round on Boxing Day instead. I was happy to do it that way as I just go with the flow and don't really mind what I do as long as I see my sister her hubby and my 3 nephews then I am happy no matter what I do. So my brother and his fiance asked what we were doing this year and they had invited us both over for Christmas Day and I had been contemplating it for a few weeks and couldn't work out what I wanted to do for the best. I wanted to spend Christmas Day with my brother as it had been a long time since we spent time together but I knew that I wouldn't be able to afford the taxi fair as it was double time and it already costs £20 to go to Littlehampton in a cab as my mum had done it in the past. So that kind of put me off. But I also knew that I haven't been feeling 100% still I am getting there but still not fully there. And I didn't want to have a few issues during the day and ruin it for everyone including my mum. So I was adamant that I wanted to stay at home this year and had been saying that's what I wanted until the weekend before Christmas when I got a text from my best friend asking me what my plans were and that she the hubby and kids would be happy if I joined them. So I started contemplating that. I knew that at least IF I couldn't continue and I had had enough I had the choice of when I wanted to go home. And it would mean that my mum wouldn't have to leave early because of me and she deserved this she deserved a good Christmas and a good Christmas Dinner so I told her she should go and I would sort something else out and that I'd catch up with her before we go to my sisters.
Christmas Eve I went to Midnight Mass that I've been doing for the last 3 years and it was a lovely service, different from the years before as well which was interesting. At least they don't stick to the same carols or story line etc. I didn't get back until a little before 1am on Christmas Morning and I was then awake till gone 5am as I couldn't sleep.
I woke up Christmas Day around 10am and I didn't want to get out of bed. I just couldn't stop crying and I don't know why. I eventually managed to get in the shower and even when I got out I started crying again.. I forced myself to get dressed and I got a text from my bestie saying that dinner was almost ready and she was gonna give me time for him to come and get me and I text straight back saying "no, send him now" I had already got my presents ready and bagged up so I just put my shoes on pulled my big girl pants up with my leggings and wiped the tears away and went downstairs to find him already there waiting for me. So I composed myself, took a deep breath and walked out the front door. I checked my complexion in his mirror of the car and wiped my eyes and we chatted a little in the car. When I got there I had a cigarette waiting for me so I took the gifts inside and went back out for the fag. I chatted with her daughters boyfriend who was there with their baby (my Goddaughter) and he asked how I was feeling and I admitted I didn't know what was wrong with me and burst into tears again! He gave me a hug and was so lovely he was reassuring me and said that they all love me and that he's here for me. It's lovely to hear that people do care about me when I feel and think no one really does but that is a BPD trait unfortunately and no matter what I try and do it's not going to change so easily. When we went in they poured me a couple of glasses of bucks fizz - I know they're not very strong but it was a start. I had taken a bottle of Kopperburg Rose with me that I brought back in the summer and has just sat in the fridge (I drank the whole bottle within a couple of hours)
We did a little gift giving and one of the gifts my bestie had made for me made me cry and I got some really nice bits from her and her hubby and her 3 younger kids all saved up their pocket money and brought and chose their own gifts. I was so touched by their gifts and give them all a hug.
After we did out gift giving I went back to her parents house with the rest of her family and we played cards and they all ate bits at the table luckily I was given a mini box with some left over gammon and stuffing so I ate some of that. Her dad saved me some of the stuffing that he makes every year it is just amazing and cannot explain what it tastes like or what is in it because I don't really know.
I was up and down all evening and it was all getting a little bit much for me but we had quite a few breaks whilst playing cards luckily so I had a few fags and I was still drinking. I had taken a bottle of lemonade with me along with some peach schnapps.
When I got home I reflected on the day and I broke down again and got emotional after realizing what I had done and how I coped etc. I ended up staying awake till around 5am Boxing Day!
As I mentioned I fell asleep around 5am on Boxing day morning and I woke up around 10 but I kept snoozing till around 12ish because I was just so tired and exhausted. My mum came to me around 2:30ish in the end and we had a catch up and we talked about how her day went with my brother and his fiance and how mine went with my best friend and then I gave her my gifts and she gave me some money as she didn't know what to get me bless her but I said it was fine because it can go into my savings and go towards something I need. We left mine around 4pm and headed round to my sisters.. We gave the boys our gifts I had a couple of pictures taken with my nephews and I got told off by my youngest for trying to help him take his tickle me Elmo out of its box pmsl they are so funny and they loved their bits.. us adults which was my sister her hubby mum and I had a nice Chinese to eat which was amazing! I tried some satay chicken which was lush and had a bit of what I usually eat which is crispy chilli chicken and grilled lemon chicken along with chicken balls and chips. I felt so fat after eating that and surprised I managed to walk home I was so bloated lol
I have to admit I had a better day Boxing Day. And although I was adamant that I wanted to stay at home by myself I am kinda glad that I didn't. I am still exhausted but that's because I still need to catch up on my sleep lol hopefully I will eventually but I am not worried at the moment.
Saturday, December 7
I'll Be Glad When Things Are Better...
Unfortunately things haven't started to improve for me yet and it is starting to get more stressful and frustrating. Although it's not on purpose it is an accident but it doesn't stop me feeling the way I do and it's not fair on my family more than anything because I am just constantly letting people down left, right and center.
The issue I am having is I have always had problems with sleeping so it is hard to work out what is going wrong or why etc.
Earlier on I realized that I have started clock watching, on the door to my kitchen there was hooks up that was left by the woman who lived here before me and I was gifted a Nightmare Before Christmas clock for Christmas that I automatically put on the door so I could see it. But, since the changes with my medication I have been looking at the clock more trying to work out how much sleep I should get and what time would be a reasonable time to get up etc. That in turn has messed my anxiety up and I am stressing about sleeping and waking up at a reasonable time and its frustrating as well. So today I decided to move the clock to a different part of the room and replaced it with a canvas that my mum brought me for my birthday with a picture of me and my 3 nephews.
Hopefully now with seeing my nephews instead of my clock I should be able to stop stressing worrying and getting frustrated with myself when I cannot sleep.
I do need to sort out getting in to see my doctor before Christmas so I can start sorting this mess out. I also need to speak to the lady that I see now called Michelle, she was meant to ring me Wednesday but she didn't and I was meant to ring her back but with the issues I am having it accidentally slipped my mind and I was more pissed off with myself.
Apart of me is now wondering IF the Mirtazapine that I was originally taking was working not fully to the point it helped with my moods and I was still not sleeping properly. But at least with them as well I was eventually able to switch off but now I cannot do that.
The test is tonight to see if having the clock moved and having the canvas up helps change the way I get some sleep but I am still wondering if it's the changes in the medication that is still messing with my body. But trying to talk to someone about it is starting to drive me insane because no one seems to understand or want to listen or help.
On top of the medication issues I am still struggling with my feelings and everything and it doesn't help that it is almost Christmas. I struggle with it every year and this year I am more stressed and worried about it than I usually am. This year things are going to be different as I will not be seeing my sister on Christmas Day which is fine I totally understand what she is saying because every year since we've been going round there she's stressed because she has her mother in law for lunch and she has to cook and clean for then and when she goes she's gotta tidy up more so that my mum and I can go round for tea and she gets stressed and so this year she decided they wanted to do christmas just the 5 of them which is cool as it means she's not under too much pressure and she can enjoy it more with the kids.
We've got like almost 2 weeks left and all I have brought for is my nephews and my new goddaughter. I have so much left to do and sort out in time and it's really getting to me.
I am also still struggling with the death of my Granddad. It be 2 years in around 3 weeks time that he passed away and I still haven't accepted it. I went to see him in the funeral home and it was scary as it was something I had never done before. Then the funeral was hard and I even gave a little eulogy sharing some of the memories that he has shared with me over the years. Also, I had a tattoo done in his memory and I have a picture of him up on the shelf and I still haven't gone to his grave. I haven't done it because I don't want it to feel or be real but I think I am going to have to accept it sooner rather than later because this isn't going to get any easier and I think its time I did something about it. I am terrified of how I am going to feel and how I will react. I also don't want to come out of my bubble I don't think I am ready to accept this but I think it might be time that I did that, it may help me in the long run I don't know but apart of me feels like I cant carry on pretending everything is "ok".
I have so much I need to confront and sort out but it is finding the "right time" if there ever is a right time. Especially since there is 24 days left of 2019 and I am going to enter 2020 the same way I have every year. I think I need to actually make a new year resolution this year and try and stick to it because I think it is going to have to be that I find myself and make myself better or try too. I cannot continue like this. I am 32 years old now I am still terrified of the thought of having a baby because of what I went through. I want a family I want so much for myself and I am not going to get it like this. I hate the way my life has panned out. I honestly thought that I would have a family and a nice home and a good job etc. but instead I live in a building with 27 other flats full of people I do not know or speak too.
This is one of the worst things I do to myself and thats compare my life to everyone elses and I need to stop because it's not helping me move on or make myself better. I guess I just want what everyone else has..?
The issue I am having is I have always had problems with sleeping so it is hard to work out what is going wrong or why etc.
Earlier on I realized that I have started clock watching, on the door to my kitchen there was hooks up that was left by the woman who lived here before me and I was gifted a Nightmare Before Christmas clock for Christmas that I automatically put on the door so I could see it. But, since the changes with my medication I have been looking at the clock more trying to work out how much sleep I should get and what time would be a reasonable time to get up etc. That in turn has messed my anxiety up and I am stressing about sleeping and waking up at a reasonable time and its frustrating as well. So today I decided to move the clock to a different part of the room and replaced it with a canvas that my mum brought me for my birthday with a picture of me and my 3 nephews.
Hopefully now with seeing my nephews instead of my clock I should be able to stop stressing worrying and getting frustrated with myself when I cannot sleep.
I do need to sort out getting in to see my doctor before Christmas so I can start sorting this mess out. I also need to speak to the lady that I see now called Michelle, she was meant to ring me Wednesday but she didn't and I was meant to ring her back but with the issues I am having it accidentally slipped my mind and I was more pissed off with myself.
Apart of me is now wondering IF the Mirtazapine that I was originally taking was working not fully to the point it helped with my moods and I was still not sleeping properly. But at least with them as well I was eventually able to switch off but now I cannot do that.
The test is tonight to see if having the clock moved and having the canvas up helps change the way I get some sleep but I am still wondering if it's the changes in the medication that is still messing with my body. But trying to talk to someone about it is starting to drive me insane because no one seems to understand or want to listen or help.
On top of the medication issues I am still struggling with my feelings and everything and it doesn't help that it is almost Christmas. I struggle with it every year and this year I am more stressed and worried about it than I usually am. This year things are going to be different as I will not be seeing my sister on Christmas Day which is fine I totally understand what she is saying because every year since we've been going round there she's stressed because she has her mother in law for lunch and she has to cook and clean for then and when she goes she's gotta tidy up more so that my mum and I can go round for tea and she gets stressed and so this year she decided they wanted to do christmas just the 5 of them which is cool as it means she's not under too much pressure and she can enjoy it more with the kids.
We've got like almost 2 weeks left and all I have brought for is my nephews and my new goddaughter. I have so much left to do and sort out in time and it's really getting to me.
I am also still struggling with the death of my Granddad. It be 2 years in around 3 weeks time that he passed away and I still haven't accepted it. I went to see him in the funeral home and it was scary as it was something I had never done before. Then the funeral was hard and I even gave a little eulogy sharing some of the memories that he has shared with me over the years. Also, I had a tattoo done in his memory and I have a picture of him up on the shelf and I still haven't gone to his grave. I haven't done it because I don't want it to feel or be real but I think I am going to have to accept it sooner rather than later because this isn't going to get any easier and I think its time I did something about it. I am terrified of how I am going to feel and how I will react. I also don't want to come out of my bubble I don't think I am ready to accept this but I think it might be time that I did that, it may help me in the long run I don't know but apart of me feels like I cant carry on pretending everything is "ok".
I have so much I need to confront and sort out but it is finding the "right time" if there ever is a right time. Especially since there is 24 days left of 2019 and I am going to enter 2020 the same way I have every year. I think I need to actually make a new year resolution this year and try and stick to it because I think it is going to have to be that I find myself and make myself better or try too. I cannot continue like this. I am 32 years old now I am still terrified of the thought of having a baby because of what I went through. I want a family I want so much for myself and I am not going to get it like this. I hate the way my life has panned out. I honestly thought that I would have a family and a nice home and a good job etc. but instead I live in a building with 27 other flats full of people I do not know or speak too.
This is one of the worst things I do to myself and thats compare my life to everyone elses and I need to stop because it's not helping me move on or make myself better. I guess I just want what everyone else has..?
Friday, November 1
Another Check Up Done And Dusted...
Today 1st November I had another check up with my doctors to see how I am getting on without the Venlafaxine and see how I am getting on with just taking my Quetiapine.
I got stressed as again the buses were up the shoot again like they were when I last went to the doctors 2 weeks ago for my last check up. Luckily my friend was at home as I asked if she could come get me because although I had left a little earlier this time I was still waiting almost 30mins for a bus!
When I got there there was a few people waiting and more people came along and asked if they had missed the bus to which someone else replied saying that they don't know whats going on as the bus hasn't turned up! It eventually turned up when I got picked up, but it was the bus that goes the long way around which meant that I would be late for my appointment.
As it happened I managed to get there on time but if it wasn't for her I wouldn't have got there.
My doctor called me in and I explained that since I had seen her I have gone out a bit more and that my feelings had come back. Not Monday gone (28th October) the one before which would've been the 21st October I managed to go to my sisters and saw her and the boys and told her what had happened and why I was struggling etc. and eventually we were laughing and joking and I knew that I was starting to feel myself. But it has only been within the last week that I have been crying again but I am glad because it means that all my feelings are coming back which I was thankful for.
She mentioned that she is still reluctant to put me back on the Mirtazapine which is fine, but she did want me to come off the Quetiapine or at least reduce it down. I said not at the moment because I still need something to help as although I am still struggling with sleeping I don't think I will be ready to come off it. So we agreed that I'd give it a couple of months at least with just taking the Quetiapine and taking the Promethazine less or not at all which is what I pretty much do any way.. She went to give me some more information on Insomnia but I think she gave me it recently so I told her to not worry about printing it, plus I could look it up myself if I need to.
Only other thing she has suggested is doing a little more exercise even if I just go for a walk around the block and to eat a little healthier. I did admit that I brought myself some strawberries plums and grapes but I should really add some more vegetables as well. Only time I've really been eating it recently is eating vegetable soup which I really enjoy..
I got told that I need to change my surroundings but issue is I live in a studio flat I don't have my bedroom separate but she suggested maybe adding a curtain to try and separate it which may or may not work but I do not really have any room for a proper chair although I am considering seeing if I could find somewhere else to sit instead of on my bed all the time.
Oh and I need to stop the stimulations as well which means no telly on whilst I am trying to sleep - that in itself is gonna be hard as it is my routine. Not that I actually watch it lol but I did mention that years ago I had a whale and dolphin CD that plays the sounds of the sea and clicks from the dolphins as well as relaxing music in the background. So I need to find that and try that again and see if that will help. Meditation she suggested as well which I am going to look into. I said I use wax melts a lot during day and often in evening so concentrating on the smells is a distraction. I am fed up with the insomnia but half the time I cannot help it but I am more with it and alert more at night than I am during day it's weird..
I got stressed as again the buses were up the shoot again like they were when I last went to the doctors 2 weeks ago for my last check up. Luckily my friend was at home as I asked if she could come get me because although I had left a little earlier this time I was still waiting almost 30mins for a bus!
When I got there there was a few people waiting and more people came along and asked if they had missed the bus to which someone else replied saying that they don't know whats going on as the bus hasn't turned up! It eventually turned up when I got picked up, but it was the bus that goes the long way around which meant that I would be late for my appointment.
As it happened I managed to get there on time but if it wasn't for her I wouldn't have got there.
My doctor called me in and I explained that since I had seen her I have gone out a bit more and that my feelings had come back. Not Monday gone (28th October) the one before which would've been the 21st October I managed to go to my sisters and saw her and the boys and told her what had happened and why I was struggling etc. and eventually we were laughing and joking and I knew that I was starting to feel myself. But it has only been within the last week that I have been crying again but I am glad because it means that all my feelings are coming back which I was thankful for.
She mentioned that she is still reluctant to put me back on the Mirtazapine which is fine, but she did want me to come off the Quetiapine or at least reduce it down. I said not at the moment because I still need something to help as although I am still struggling with sleeping I don't think I will be ready to come off it. So we agreed that I'd give it a couple of months at least with just taking the Quetiapine and taking the Promethazine less or not at all which is what I pretty much do any way.. She went to give me some more information on Insomnia but I think she gave me it recently so I told her to not worry about printing it, plus I could look it up myself if I need to.
Only other thing she has suggested is doing a little more exercise even if I just go for a walk around the block and to eat a little healthier. I did admit that I brought myself some strawberries plums and grapes but I should really add some more vegetables as well. Only time I've really been eating it recently is eating vegetable soup which I really enjoy..
I got told that I need to change my surroundings but issue is I live in a studio flat I don't have my bedroom separate but she suggested maybe adding a curtain to try and separate it which may or may not work but I do not really have any room for a proper chair although I am considering seeing if I could find somewhere else to sit instead of on my bed all the time.
Oh and I need to stop the stimulations as well which means no telly on whilst I am trying to sleep - that in itself is gonna be hard as it is my routine. Not that I actually watch it lol but I did mention that years ago I had a whale and dolphin CD that plays the sounds of the sea and clicks from the dolphins as well as relaxing music in the background. So I need to find that and try that again and see if that will help. Meditation she suggested as well which I am going to look into. I said I use wax melts a lot during day and often in evening so concentrating on the smells is a distraction. I am fed up with the insomnia but half the time I cannot help it but I am more with it and alert more at night than I am during day it's weird..
Sometimes I Wonder Why I Bother...
So, growing up I never really had any proper friends. I used to have people offer to be here for me and talk to whenever I needed too.. I started to put my trust into people and one day it all changed.
Basically the person in question did the usual I am here if you ever need to talk to someone etc etc etc and so I was having a few issues and he was online and asked me how I was and I opened up and admitted that I was struggling and he turned on me and I was distraught and heartbroken and said to him that you said I could talk to you if I needed too and then he continued to have a go at me and blocked me on MSN Messenger. I was so upset and confused that I just didn't know what to do. Except just let this blow over. He never spoke to me again not even at school.
Since that moment I had decided that I was never going to open up to anyone again and I didn't very often, I kept everything to myself because I also realized that people just don't really care. They can tell you they do, but in reality do they?
I then decided that I was going to make sure that no one else felt the way that I did again because it wasn't nice and it wasn't fair as there are genuine people out there who do need someone and despite all my issues and problems I always make sure that everyone else is ok.
Although, this time I am wondering why I bother being there for people especially my so called best friends because I spend time making sure that they're ok and I will do what I can to help them..
But, what happens when it comes to me? I can tell you what happens, nothing. I was having a hard time recently with the change in my medication and trying something new and the only person who was there for me was my mum. Granted I did not tell my sister or my brother what was going on. But I did that because my sister has 3 kids my nephews and I didn't want her to worry about me when she already has the kids to look after, but I did speak to her a couple times and then eventually opened up as soon as I saw her which was the Monday after my doctors appointment which was 2 weeks ago. My so called friends knew as one of them I look after her kids for on a Tuesday and it just felt like no one believed me. Eventually she came back and said that she was worried about me as I wasn't myself and said to her point blank that it was what I had been telling her but she didn't listen!
Think its time for me to be selective on who I talk to now saves getting hurt even more..
Basically the person in question did the usual I am here if you ever need to talk to someone etc etc etc and so I was having a few issues and he was online and asked me how I was and I opened up and admitted that I was struggling and he turned on me and I was distraught and heartbroken and said to him that you said I could talk to you if I needed too and then he continued to have a go at me and blocked me on MSN Messenger. I was so upset and confused that I just didn't know what to do. Except just let this blow over. He never spoke to me again not even at school.
Since that moment I had decided that I was never going to open up to anyone again and I didn't very often, I kept everything to myself because I also realized that people just don't really care. They can tell you they do, but in reality do they?
I then decided that I was going to make sure that no one else felt the way that I did again because it wasn't nice and it wasn't fair as there are genuine people out there who do need someone and despite all my issues and problems I always make sure that everyone else is ok.
Although, this time I am wondering why I bother being there for people especially my so called best friends because I spend time making sure that they're ok and I will do what I can to help them..
But, what happens when it comes to me? I can tell you what happens, nothing. I was having a hard time recently with the change in my medication and trying something new and the only person who was there for me was my mum. Granted I did not tell my sister or my brother what was going on. But I did that because my sister has 3 kids my nephews and I didn't want her to worry about me when she already has the kids to look after, but I did speak to her a couple times and then eventually opened up as soon as I saw her which was the Monday after my doctors appointment which was 2 weeks ago. My so called friends knew as one of them I look after her kids for on a Tuesday and it just felt like no one believed me. Eventually she came back and said that she was worried about me as I wasn't myself and said to her point blank that it was what I had been telling her but she didn't listen!
Think its time for me to be selective on who I talk to now saves getting hurt even more..
Tuesday, October 22
Well That Didn't Go As I Had Hoped...
At the beginning of the month I had wrote a post about coming off my Mirtazapine tablets to try something new called Venlafaxine. Within a few days of taking the new meds I had a couple of side effects which I thought at first was a good thing and then all of a sudden I had lost myself and the side effects had got worse and got to the point where I couldn't look after myself properly.
The side effects I had were
- Sweating
- Dry Mouth
- Feeling Sleepy
- Trouble Sleeping
- Feeling Sick
These side effects were awful. I already have trouble sleeping as I have Insomnia amongst other things but it got to the point where I was falling asleep gone 4 often 5 or 6am in the morning. I was still waking up around 9am or 11am when my alarm goes off but I was constantly tired and it got to the point where I wasn't really eating anything during the day. I didn't see anyone for 2 weeks except for my mum she had popped round to see me and brought me shopping when I needed it. All I asked her to get me was soup and bread and a few goodies like doughnuts and cake and crisps. I don't know what I would've done if my mum hadn't come round to check on me and help me.
With the sweating I found myself spending days without clothes on because it was the only way I felt cooler.
I had my check up on Friday 18th and it was so stressful. I had a bit of a meltdown before I went to the doctors because I had to go by myself, my mum had agreed to meet me in the end so I had to walk to my sisters as that is where she was. I wore my coat because it was raining on and off but found myself really hot even though I just had a tshirt on underneath I thought I'd be fine but I really wasn't. I had waited for almost 25mins for a bus to take us to the doctor and where it was late I was stressing myself and worrying I wouldn't make the doctors on time. So my mum said to ring them and let them know that I am running a little late. Issue was when the bus finally came it was the one that goes the long way around Bersted and whilst I was in the call queue the bus eventually turned up so I let them know I would be running late and explained the buses were late and then the receptionist turned around and said that my Doctor was running a full clinic and if I am more than 5 mins late the doctor will make me as DNA (did not attend) and it would be down to the doctor if she would see me or not. With being stressed and worried about the buses being late I then got more stressed worrying about how long it will take the bus to go to the doctors and then when we got there just before 2:30 which was the time of my appointment my mum and I rushed as fast as my legs would take me to walk down the road. My legs started to feel like jelly as we were just outside the doctors so I checked I could sign myself in on the screen luckily I still could and then sat down and waited to be called in. Luckily I had made it just in time to my appointment.
I told my doctor about everything I have gone through the last 2 weeks with not being able to cope with all the side effects. I told her what I had and how bad it had got for me. I hate to admit it but it got so bad that I no longer did anything I didn't even shower either every day or every other day I didn't really eat anything and even my doctor could see that I wasn't myself as I have seen her 3 or 4 times now so she noticed that I wasn't myself. She told me there and then to stop taking the medication and just take the Quetiapine at night like I normally do. She did mention Promethazine to help with me sleeping and I said I already take those. Bedale had prescribed them to me last year when I had my last appointment there and I had mentioned that I had been taking the Promethazine at the same time as the Quetiapine whilst I was taking the Venlafaxine but it made no difference.
It's crazy how a lower dose of medication counteracted the other medication which is a higher dose.
I am a little disappointed with all of this and unfortunately I cannot get the last 2 weeks back but I am so glad that my family are so understanding with how I have been feeling and haven't pushed me to do something that won't help.
Yesterday which was Monday 21st October I managed to go out. My mum met me after I got out the shower and we were going to go to town but I didn't want to go in the end so I told mum that I only wanted a new saucepan and asked if she would mind if I just went to my sisters first and she was fine with that.
It felt so good to be able to get out I saw my sister and my littlest nephew and waited for my middle nephew to finish school and then my eldest nephew does football after school on a Monday so I waited to see him too. It felt great to see my sister and my gorgeous nephews. I have missed them all so much I felt bad for not being around but I couldn't force myself to do something I could not do.
I also managed to do a little shopping last night too. I got myself BBQ Pulled Pork and Cheesy Mash from Tesco for my dinner last night and grabbed a few other bits I needed like micro meals more soup and got a few cakey bits too. I didn't get no crisps because I had forgotten that I didn't have any left lol but it's fine. But I have enough food to last me a week or so.
As for the doctors I have an appointment in 2-3 weeks time to see how I am getting on with just the Quetiapine and Promethazine. I can go back on the Mirtazapine IF I want too but at the moment my doctor wants to see how I get on without those ones which is fine.
The side effects I had were
- Sweating
- Dry Mouth
- Feeling Sleepy
- Trouble Sleeping
- Feeling Sick
These side effects were awful. I already have trouble sleeping as I have Insomnia amongst other things but it got to the point where I was falling asleep gone 4 often 5 or 6am in the morning. I was still waking up around 9am or 11am when my alarm goes off but I was constantly tired and it got to the point where I wasn't really eating anything during the day. I didn't see anyone for 2 weeks except for my mum she had popped round to see me and brought me shopping when I needed it. All I asked her to get me was soup and bread and a few goodies like doughnuts and cake and crisps. I don't know what I would've done if my mum hadn't come round to check on me and help me.
With the sweating I found myself spending days without clothes on because it was the only way I felt cooler.
I had my check up on Friday 18th and it was so stressful. I had a bit of a meltdown before I went to the doctors because I had to go by myself, my mum had agreed to meet me in the end so I had to walk to my sisters as that is where she was. I wore my coat because it was raining on and off but found myself really hot even though I just had a tshirt on underneath I thought I'd be fine but I really wasn't. I had waited for almost 25mins for a bus to take us to the doctor and where it was late I was stressing myself and worrying I wouldn't make the doctors on time. So my mum said to ring them and let them know that I am running a little late. Issue was when the bus finally came it was the one that goes the long way around Bersted and whilst I was in the call queue the bus eventually turned up so I let them know I would be running late and explained the buses were late and then the receptionist turned around and said that my Doctor was running a full clinic and if I am more than 5 mins late the doctor will make me as DNA (did not attend) and it would be down to the doctor if she would see me or not. With being stressed and worried about the buses being late I then got more stressed worrying about how long it will take the bus to go to the doctors and then when we got there just before 2:30 which was the time of my appointment my mum and I rushed as fast as my legs would take me to walk down the road. My legs started to feel like jelly as we were just outside the doctors so I checked I could sign myself in on the screen luckily I still could and then sat down and waited to be called in. Luckily I had made it just in time to my appointment.
I told my doctor about everything I have gone through the last 2 weeks with not being able to cope with all the side effects. I told her what I had and how bad it had got for me. I hate to admit it but it got so bad that I no longer did anything I didn't even shower either every day or every other day I didn't really eat anything and even my doctor could see that I wasn't myself as I have seen her 3 or 4 times now so she noticed that I wasn't myself. She told me there and then to stop taking the medication and just take the Quetiapine at night like I normally do. She did mention Promethazine to help with me sleeping and I said I already take those. Bedale had prescribed them to me last year when I had my last appointment there and I had mentioned that I had been taking the Promethazine at the same time as the Quetiapine whilst I was taking the Venlafaxine but it made no difference.
It's crazy how a lower dose of medication counteracted the other medication which is a higher dose.
I am a little disappointed with all of this and unfortunately I cannot get the last 2 weeks back but I am so glad that my family are so understanding with how I have been feeling and haven't pushed me to do something that won't help.
Yesterday which was Monday 21st October I managed to go out. My mum met me after I got out the shower and we were going to go to town but I didn't want to go in the end so I told mum that I only wanted a new saucepan and asked if she would mind if I just went to my sisters first and she was fine with that.
It felt so good to be able to get out I saw my sister and my littlest nephew and waited for my middle nephew to finish school and then my eldest nephew does football after school on a Monday so I waited to see him too. It felt great to see my sister and my gorgeous nephews. I have missed them all so much I felt bad for not being around but I couldn't force myself to do something I could not do.
I also managed to do a little shopping last night too. I got myself BBQ Pulled Pork and Cheesy Mash from Tesco for my dinner last night and grabbed a few other bits I needed like micro meals more soup and got a few cakey bits too. I didn't get no crisps because I had forgotten that I didn't have any left lol but it's fine. But I have enough food to last me a week or so.
As for the doctors I have an appointment in 2-3 weeks time to see how I am getting on with just the Quetiapine and Promethazine. I can go back on the Mirtazapine IF I want too but at the moment my doctor wants to see how I get on without those ones which is fine.
Wednesday, October 2
It's A Girl...
A couple of months ago I was asked by my friends daughter and her boyfriend IF I could be their baby's Godmother. After a few tears and checking over and over that they definitely wanted me I agreed.
I was so happy and scared, anxious, excited and many many other emotions all at once but I couldn't believe that I finally get to have a Goddaughter. I do currently have 2 Godsons one of which is my nephew but being an Auntie to him was a more important job which it is, but I still count him anyway :)
Over the last couple of months I have been making a few bits for the baby, I made a Dragonfly Blanket, Unicorn Security Blanket and last but not least a Preemie Octopus. At the start of the pregnancy they wasn't sure if she'd be able to carry to full term because of some issues that she has, they had given her certain weeks they needed to get her too and it kept changing as the pregnancy progressed which is good in a way, but it meant having to wait a little longer.. It was very scary last week (23rd September) when I was informed that she had a really bad bleed and I woke to a message letting me know whats happened. She had loads of scans and checks and they sent her from hospital in Chichester to the one in Portsmouth. They kept her in Portsmouth for a few days keeping an eye on her and baby and despite the bleed the baby was still health and happy. At this point I had received videos of hearing her heartbeat and seeing how strong the heartbeat was. One of the videos I was sent my friends daughter was having contractions so I got to see those numbers rise for that which was interesting as I never knew that their machinery was able to tell how strong they are!
They was told at the start of last week that they're going to get baby out on Thursday but instead they sent her back to Chichester and after that sent her home told her to rest for a few days and that they had booked her in for the Monday (30th September) to have her C-Section. She had pre-op next day but I couldn't see her because I had a really bad cold so I was told last week that I needed to get rid of it before I get to meet baby. Which I did in time thankfully..
After baby was cleaned up they decided to give her the Preemie Octopus that I had made for her and she took to it quite quickly and wouldn't let it go hehe I got sent pictures from them showing me her cuddling and holding the octopus and I was then told that the hospital staff loved it and said how well it was made and it may have been mentioned that they could possibly do with some more in the future. So the plan is to make more to donate to the hospital when completed.
Yesterday (1st October 2019) Mummy, Daddy & baby came home and I was so happy to see them both and excited to meet their baby girl. I didn't want to give her up she is very tiny and so beautiful. I am such a lucky girl to have such an amazing 2nd family which is what my friend and her family are to me. And although it still hasn't sunk in that I have a Goddaughter I am bursting at the seams with love for them and their baby
I was so happy and scared, anxious, excited and many many other emotions all at once but I couldn't believe that I finally get to have a Goddaughter. I do currently have 2 Godsons one of which is my nephew but being an Auntie to him was a more important job which it is, but I still count him anyway :)
Over the last couple of months I have been making a few bits for the baby, I made a Dragonfly Blanket, Unicorn Security Blanket and last but not least a Preemie Octopus. At the start of the pregnancy they wasn't sure if she'd be able to carry to full term because of some issues that she has, they had given her certain weeks they needed to get her too and it kept changing as the pregnancy progressed which is good in a way, but it meant having to wait a little longer.. It was very scary last week (23rd September) when I was informed that she had a really bad bleed and I woke to a message letting me know whats happened. She had loads of scans and checks and they sent her from hospital in Chichester to the one in Portsmouth. They kept her in Portsmouth for a few days keeping an eye on her and baby and despite the bleed the baby was still health and happy. At this point I had received videos of hearing her heartbeat and seeing how strong the heartbeat was. One of the videos I was sent my friends daughter was having contractions so I got to see those numbers rise for that which was interesting as I never knew that their machinery was able to tell how strong they are!
They was told at the start of last week that they're going to get baby out on Thursday but instead they sent her back to Chichester and after that sent her home told her to rest for a few days and that they had booked her in for the Monday (30th September) to have her C-Section. She had pre-op next day but I couldn't see her because I had a really bad cold so I was told last week that I needed to get rid of it before I get to meet baby. Which I did in time thankfully..
After baby was cleaned up they decided to give her the Preemie Octopus that I had made for her and she took to it quite quickly and wouldn't let it go hehe I got sent pictures from them showing me her cuddling and holding the octopus and I was then told that the hospital staff loved it and said how well it was made and it may have been mentioned that they could possibly do with some more in the future. So the plan is to make more to donate to the hospital when completed.
Yesterday (1st October 2019) Mummy, Daddy & baby came home and I was so happy to see them both and excited to meet their baby girl. I didn't want to give her up she is very tiny and so beautiful. I am such a lucky girl to have such an amazing 2nd family which is what my friend and her family are to me. And although it still hasn't sunk in that I have a Goddaughter I am bursting at the seams with love for them and their baby
Sunday, September 29
It's Been A While Again.. I Must Keep This Updated Often...
I have been neglecting my blog again by accident. I was planning on writing to this every chance I got but I got distracted with sorting out other blogs and other pages that this one hasn't been touched in almost a year and this is not good.
A few things have changed since I wrote my last entry, I no longer see Suzanne who I wrote about in the past, those sessions ended earlier this year. I was also seeing a lady called Anna whilst I was having my sessions with Suzanne but again I no longer see her, that has been more recent though, Anna left as she changed jobs which was a massive shock to me especially with my sessions ending with Suzanne it was quite a lot to take in. But I have now been partnered up with a lady called Michelle now and I have had 2 or 3 appointments with her. I am quite lucky really because she understands the EUPD/BPD as she has it herself so it is a huge relief being paired with someone who understands and knows what I am going through. Although a part of me thinks that maybe I should've been partnered up with her before, but it's fine.
Today I have also been sorting out my laptop as I brought it off someone on Facebook I was meant to be getting a brand new one, but the ones I find that are suitable keep going out of stock so this was the quickest and best way to do it. My laptop I've had for the last 6 years has now died which is frustrating but at least I was able to plug my hard drive into my old laptop which belongs to Tim so luckily I could use that for a week. I was so worried I'd never get the info off it but I did get majority off it thankfully..
I had another medication review a few months back now as I am still struggling with the Quetiapine and Mirtazapine so I wanted to find out if anything can be done. But my doctor had to contact Bedale which is our local mental health center to see whether they can see me or adjust my medication. I was also asked to contact Suzanne about it and see if she could help me get an appointment but all she said back to me was to talk to Anna and then Anna rang me and felt like she wasn't impressed to hear that I wanted to sort my medication out. So I ended up leaving it until I contacted my doctor again in August to talk about my medication and we had a chat over the phone and Bedale still want me to come off my medication which isn't helpful. Granted I feel they're not working and that I still feel the same so she mentioned a new medication to try so I said I'd happily come off the Mirtazapine to try something different. For the last 3 weeks I have been taking a lower dose, started off doing 1 week on 30mg and then the last 2 I've taken the 15mg. I took my last Mirtazapine Thursday night and picked up my new medication called Venlafaxine. I took my usual Quetiapine Friday night and decided that I was going to start my Venlafaxine today because I didn't want to risk being out somewhere and getting ill from the new meds as I am not sure how they're going to affect me
Granted, I took the new tablet after 12pm when I had my lunch and so far I feel fine and that was almost 3 hours ago.
I have a follow up appointment booked in 3 weeks time to see how I am getting on with these tablets and then talk about possibly coming off the Quetiapine as well. But I am not going to worry about that for a while now.
A few things have changed since I wrote my last entry, I no longer see Suzanne who I wrote about in the past, those sessions ended earlier this year. I was also seeing a lady called Anna whilst I was having my sessions with Suzanne but again I no longer see her, that has been more recent though, Anna left as she changed jobs which was a massive shock to me especially with my sessions ending with Suzanne it was quite a lot to take in. But I have now been partnered up with a lady called Michelle now and I have had 2 or 3 appointments with her. I am quite lucky really because she understands the EUPD/BPD as she has it herself so it is a huge relief being paired with someone who understands and knows what I am going through. Although a part of me thinks that maybe I should've been partnered up with her before, but it's fine.
Today I have also been sorting out my laptop as I brought it off someone on Facebook I was meant to be getting a brand new one, but the ones I find that are suitable keep going out of stock so this was the quickest and best way to do it. My laptop I've had for the last 6 years has now died which is frustrating but at least I was able to plug my hard drive into my old laptop which belongs to Tim so luckily I could use that for a week. I was so worried I'd never get the info off it but I did get majority off it thankfully..
I had another medication review a few months back now as I am still struggling with the Quetiapine and Mirtazapine so I wanted to find out if anything can be done. But my doctor had to contact Bedale which is our local mental health center to see whether they can see me or adjust my medication. I was also asked to contact Suzanne about it and see if she could help me get an appointment but all she said back to me was to talk to Anna and then Anna rang me and felt like she wasn't impressed to hear that I wanted to sort my medication out. So I ended up leaving it until I contacted my doctor again in August to talk about my medication and we had a chat over the phone and Bedale still want me to come off my medication which isn't helpful. Granted I feel they're not working and that I still feel the same so she mentioned a new medication to try so I said I'd happily come off the Mirtazapine to try something different. For the last 3 weeks I have been taking a lower dose, started off doing 1 week on 30mg and then the last 2 I've taken the 15mg. I took my last Mirtazapine Thursday night and picked up my new medication called Venlafaxine. I took my usual Quetiapine Friday night and decided that I was going to start my Venlafaxine today because I didn't want to risk being out somewhere and getting ill from the new meds as I am not sure how they're going to affect me
Granted, I took the new tablet after 12pm when I had my lunch and so far I feel fine and that was almost 3 hours ago.
I have a follow up appointment booked in 3 weeks time to see how I am getting on with these tablets and then talk about possibly coming off the Quetiapine as well. But I am not going to worry about that for a while now.
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