Chinese Gender Chart..

I found various of sites offering a Chinese Gender Chart .. So I thought I would try it out with my sisters due date and birthday.. To see what it will come up with..

I did it on about 6 different sites and they all say Boy...

But, these tests are for fun and are around 50% accurate - obviously!!
Found out some history on it too, it was quite interesting to read about it too!

For now, I think we should just leave it and wait till September and hopefully my sister will find out what she is having when she has her 20 week scan!
Exciting stuff!

Gonna see if I can find out some more info with the old wives tales.. Hmm..

I Am Going To Be An Aunty..

Today I am HAPPY & PROUD to {FINALLY} announce that my Sister whom is 23 is pregnant with her first baby!!
Today (19th July 2012) she found out she is exactly 12 weeks, baby is perfect and healthy and I get to see pictures when she isn't working.. I am so happy & excited, I get to be an Aunty!!!

My sister is due 27th January 2013 which means that 2013 will start off amazing with my sister having a baby!!

I cannot wait to see the scan's of my Niece/Nephew

*cries*

What Is Happening To Me..?

This morning i woke up to my "brother" hurling abuse about me and to me over my facebook page... and i still have not got down to the "real" reason.. he keeps saying:

- "your the biggest bitch in the world"

- "your a BULLY"

- "you ruined my life"

and various things along that line... but the one thing that hurt me the most was this:

"You ficked your life up by getting knocked up. Its your fault all this and I'm glad your baby is dead, i don't care! you would had ruined it's life, like you do everyone elses"

..to what did i deserve those cruel words!?

I tell you why i think i got that kind of abuse - i stood up for my mother, he was hurling abuse at her because..

1 - his phone was barred and didnt know why

2 - his ps3 controller wasnt working, so went up stairs to bash it up some more

3 - mum paid HIS phone bill and threatened her because it wasnt HIS fault (yet the sim is in HIS phone.. work that out)

i cant believe that my own flesh and blood, my own brother, would use them cruel words! i have never ever heard anything like it, and i have had abuse thrown at me before now many a times!

It was dreadful.. my brother was there when i got the results of my pregnancy..

my brother was there sitting with me in the ambulence when i had to go to A&E as i was bleeding.. 

my brother was there with me sitting in A&E

my brother was there talking about how cool it would be to be an uncle and how he would like to be called

my brother was there for me that day i found out it was ectopic..

my brother was there for me few days later when i come back from the hospital after the emergancy operation

....all these things he had done for me and been there for me which was just amazing to then turn around few days later and say these harmful words...?

I'm deeply hurt, and deeply gobsmacked

=(

^This Is Me, Dan & Becci (92/93)^

^ this is me with dan (04/05) ^

^ this is most recent pic of dan and me (08/09?) ^

...we looked so happy.... what on earth happened to my brother....?

1 Week On...

This time last week i was in the middle of having my operation! scary thoughts really.. in some ways!
i cant believe how quick it has kinda gone by, and i also cant believe i still aint got my head around it and it still has not sunk in, but i guess it could be due to the faulse hopes i was kinda given over the last month did not really help much, but i guess when i think about it properly and realise that i have only got one ovary & fallopian tube now and the chances of having another baby are going to be cut by half.. although i am unsure on how i would concieve again as i thought i was infertile.. plus i dont know if i would have an ectopic again! - hopefully NOT but its still risks & things i have at back of mind.

Today i had to go to the doctor to hand over my information from the operation last week, unfortunatly my darling brother wrote on my envelope thinking it was scrap/rubbish! so it may be well seem bit weird on the page but i guess they can get another copy from the hospital if need be and required..!
anyways.. my dr said that my "glued bits" are healing up nicely, my middle one has been oozing, but unsure if it is old or new, but said that they are looking ok and i have no worries about them, just leave the air to get to it! I also feel i may have a urine infection something like thrush/cystitus.. but she did say i am bound to get an infection but my body shall fight it but if still not good by weekend or whatever i go back and sort it properly.. i got new tablets Naproxen as the diclofenic ones apparently cause heart disease n can cause stomach upset and the dr dont prescribe them i was thinking OMG.. but its ok! lol
Went to get my prescription got back in car realised i had not picked up my sick note so i had to go back into the surgery to get it from the front desk - then found out that there are debt collecters after me oops.. so i had to then sort out my sick note for the ESA on the phone, tried to contac the debt collectors to see if i can sort out payments next week as no money till esa sick note back on!

Now however i am resting, as i kinda feel i may have over done it tonight, as i am feeling tiny bit sore again but i guess it is now the air, sweat and skin to skin rubbing..

my.. my.. my..

What A Day... What A Day...

Had my last blood test today (dunno if good thing or bad...?) plus i am still bleeding on and off and light, sort of like 'spotting'
Spent the day with my other half and his son, which was nice.. even if it did hurt at times because it often hurts knowing that i had to loose mine, and i just dont have a connection like he does with his kids and it hurts! :( silly really.. but i just really wish i had my own child that would actually be excited to see me everyday and want to play with me and everything!
i dunno i guess i being silly... but i just in some ways in the 2 weeks i knew i was pregnant i kinda had this whole idea of what a family would be like and finding out it was ectopic just killed something inside! people say i can try again etc. but who is to say that this time the baby will grow in my womb and not in my tubes or ovaries or wherever it was this time around etc.
other than that it was an OK day till some berk starts causing problems with her "thats not what he said" or "he was seeing me at the weekend" etc. etc. etc. i am board of hearing it and board of you knowing that you can control my mind by not even seeing me ...!!
I am now chilling out, has just had spaghetti and meatballs made for me for my late late dinner... whilst watching a film called Stick It, that my other half bought me in BlockBusters! :)

1st March

what to say about today....?
had a bad nights sleep... and got up early-ish to go to the hospital for my blood test to see if my hormones are decreasing yet, got my second one thursday and then shall decide if i need the second injection....
and spent the day with the other half in Chichester wondering around bit going in and out of shops

even went to see my mummy at work today =) which was fun!

hasnt been all that bad today, even if i did sit in mcdonalds and i felt sad and i still feel it now writing this, but i should realise and know that i did the right thing, but i still feel and wish that my baby was IN my WOMB and nowhere else and i would be happy and able to say YAY I PREGNANT........... but no!! :(
its hard and i keep upsetting myself half the time, but i just wish that i had my own baby my own chance to do something good and be a mom like everyone else i know!

Sunday Sunday Sunday...

Ok, WHY is it that Sundays are always the worst and boring day of the week!? and how is it that we always seem to know when its sunday...?
is it because i have no life that i find it extremely irratating...?
is is because i have my bus ticket but cant go far due to the buses stopping at half 6...?
or is is it just because i cant find anything to do!?

...god i seem really sad!? lol

I mean i thought it would had been nice, to relax today, the other half has gone out.. but i absolutely hate it!!
i feel the time has gone by so slowly and its just so depressing... let alone being down in the dumps about my ectopic pregnancy i had terminated on 26th...!
although today i have actually thought about how things would be different and wondered what they would be like if i hadnt had an ectopic pregnancy... thinking stuff like
...watching my belly grow
...seeing it on the screen for scans
...listening to its heartbeat
etc.. all this i long to have and witness for myself! and i really wish that this time was MY time... except now i have to wait at least 3 months to be able to start and try again, well thats if my body will enable me to have another baby :(
...i really hope it does!!

Gone Too Soon...

Too very soon...

Today i wrote out a memorial page for my now Little Angel 'Billie' i named it because i felt it deserved a name, so i chose Billie as in some ways it is a Unisex Name - and i already know of people who have used names such as

Ashley

Bailey

and it was the first that come to my head anyway...

So here it is .. Billies Gone Too Soon Page.....

Billie Osman-Hoad 

God Must Have Some Plans For My Angel That I Never Got To See, Never Got The Chance To Grow.. And Never Got A Chance...

I Love You Always Lil One xxx