This year Christmas was really hard for me and I don't know why..
Beginning of December my sister had messaged my mum and I and said that her and her hubby had been talking and they decided that they wanted to have Christmas Day to themselves and for us to go round on Boxing Day instead. I was happy to do it that way as I just go with the flow and don't really mind what I do as long as I see my sister her hubby and my 3 nephews then I am happy no matter what I do. So my brother and his fiance asked what we were doing this year and they had invited us both over for Christmas Day and I had been contemplating it for a few weeks and couldn't work out what I wanted to do for the best. I wanted to spend Christmas Day with my brother as it had been a long time since we spent time together but I knew that I wouldn't be able to afford the taxi fair as it was double time and it already costs £20 to go to Littlehampton in a cab as my mum had done it in the past. So that kind of put me off. But I also knew that I haven't been feeling 100% still I am getting there but still not fully there. And I didn't want to have a few issues during the day and ruin it for everyone including my mum. So I was adamant that I wanted to stay at home this year and had been saying that's what I wanted until the weekend before Christmas when I got a text from my best friend asking me what my plans were and that she the hubby and kids would be happy if I joined them. So I started contemplating that. I knew that at least IF I couldn't continue and I had had enough I had the choice of when I wanted to go home. And it would mean that my mum wouldn't have to leave early because of me and she deserved this she deserved a good Christmas and a good Christmas Dinner so I told her she should go and I would sort something else out and that I'd catch up with her before we go to my sisters.
Christmas Eve I went to Midnight Mass that I've been doing for the last 3 years and it was a lovely service, different from the years before as well which was interesting. At least they don't stick to the same carols or story line etc. I didn't get back until a little before 1am on Christmas Morning and I was then awake till gone 5am as I couldn't sleep.
I woke up Christmas Day around 10am and I didn't want to get out of bed. I just couldn't stop crying and I don't know why. I eventually managed to get in the shower and even when I got out I started crying again.. I forced myself to get dressed and I got a text from my bestie saying that dinner was almost ready and she was gonna give me time for him to come and get me and I text straight back saying "no, send him now" I had already got my presents ready and bagged up so I just put my shoes on pulled my big girl pants up with my leggings and wiped the tears away and went downstairs to find him already there waiting for me. So I composed myself, took a deep breath and walked out the front door. I checked my complexion in his mirror of the car and wiped my eyes and we chatted a little in the car. When I got there I had a cigarette waiting for me so I took the gifts inside and went back out for the fag. I chatted with her daughters boyfriend who was there with their baby (my Goddaughter) and he asked how I was feeling and I admitted I didn't know what was wrong with me and burst into tears again! He gave me a hug and was so lovely he was reassuring me and said that they all love me and that he's here for me. It's lovely to hear that people do care about me when I feel and think no one really does but that is a BPD trait unfortunately and no matter what I try and do it's not going to change so easily. When we went in they poured me a couple of glasses of bucks fizz - I know they're not very strong but it was a start. I had taken a bottle of Kopperburg Rose with me that I brought back in the summer and has just sat in the fridge (I drank the whole bottle within a couple of hours)
We did a little gift giving and one of the gifts my bestie had made for me made me cry and I got some really nice bits from her and her hubby and her 3 younger kids all saved up their pocket money and brought and chose their own gifts. I was so touched by their gifts and give them all a hug.
After we did out gift giving I went back to her parents house with the rest of her family and we played cards and they all ate bits at the table luckily I was given a mini box with some left over gammon and stuffing so I ate some of that. Her dad saved me some of the stuffing that he makes every year it is just amazing and cannot explain what it tastes like or what is in it because I don't really know.
I was up and down all evening and it was all getting a little bit much for me but we had quite a few breaks whilst playing cards luckily so I had a few fags and I was still drinking. I had taken a bottle of lemonade with me along with some peach schnapps.
When I got home I reflected on the day and I broke down again and got emotional after realizing what I had done and how I coped etc. I ended up staying awake till around 5am Boxing Day!
As I mentioned I fell asleep around 5am on Boxing day morning and I woke up around 10 but I kept snoozing till around 12ish because I was just so tired and exhausted. My mum came to me around 2:30ish in the end and we had a catch up and we talked about how her day went with my brother and his fiance and how mine went with my best friend and then I gave her my gifts and she gave me some money as she didn't know what to get me bless her but I said it was fine because it can go into my savings and go towards something I need. We left mine around 4pm and headed round to my sisters.. We gave the boys our gifts I had a couple of pictures taken with my nephews and I got told off by my youngest for trying to help him take his tickle me Elmo out of its box pmsl they are so funny and they loved their bits.. us adults which was my sister her hubby mum and I had a nice Chinese to eat which was amazing! I tried some satay chicken which was lush and had a bit of what I usually eat which is crispy chilli chicken and grilled lemon chicken along with chicken balls and chips. I felt so fat after eating that and surprised I managed to walk home I was so bloated lol
I have to admit I had a better day Boxing Day. And although I was adamant that I wanted to stay at home by myself I am kinda glad that I didn't. I am still exhausted but that's because I still need to catch up on my sleep lol hopefully I will eventually but I am not worried at the moment.
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Saturday, December 28
Friday, November 1
Sometimes I Wonder Why I Bother...
So, growing up I never really had any proper friends. I used to have people offer to be here for me and talk to whenever I needed too.. I started to put my trust into people and one day it all changed.
Basically the person in question did the usual I am here if you ever need to talk to someone etc etc etc and so I was having a few issues and he was online and asked me how I was and I opened up and admitted that I was struggling and he turned on me and I was distraught and heartbroken and said to him that you said I could talk to you if I needed too and then he continued to have a go at me and blocked me on MSN Messenger. I was so upset and confused that I just didn't know what to do. Except just let this blow over. He never spoke to me again not even at school.
Since that moment I had decided that I was never going to open up to anyone again and I didn't very often, I kept everything to myself because I also realized that people just don't really care. They can tell you they do, but in reality do they?
I then decided that I was going to make sure that no one else felt the way that I did again because it wasn't nice and it wasn't fair as there are genuine people out there who do need someone and despite all my issues and problems I always make sure that everyone else is ok.
Although, this time I am wondering why I bother being there for people especially my so called best friends because I spend time making sure that they're ok and I will do what I can to help them..
But, what happens when it comes to me? I can tell you what happens, nothing. I was having a hard time recently with the change in my medication and trying something new and the only person who was there for me was my mum. Granted I did not tell my sister or my brother what was going on. But I did that because my sister has 3 kids my nephews and I didn't want her to worry about me when she already has the kids to look after, but I did speak to her a couple times and then eventually opened up as soon as I saw her which was the Monday after my doctors appointment which was 2 weeks ago. My so called friends knew as one of them I look after her kids for on a Tuesday and it just felt like no one believed me. Eventually she came back and said that she was worried about me as I wasn't myself and said to her point blank that it was what I had been telling her but she didn't listen!
Think its time for me to be selective on who I talk to now saves getting hurt even more..
Basically the person in question did the usual I am here if you ever need to talk to someone etc etc etc and so I was having a few issues and he was online and asked me how I was and I opened up and admitted that I was struggling and he turned on me and I was distraught and heartbroken and said to him that you said I could talk to you if I needed too and then he continued to have a go at me and blocked me on MSN Messenger. I was so upset and confused that I just didn't know what to do. Except just let this blow over. He never spoke to me again not even at school.
Since that moment I had decided that I was never going to open up to anyone again and I didn't very often, I kept everything to myself because I also realized that people just don't really care. They can tell you they do, but in reality do they?
I then decided that I was going to make sure that no one else felt the way that I did again because it wasn't nice and it wasn't fair as there are genuine people out there who do need someone and despite all my issues and problems I always make sure that everyone else is ok.
Although, this time I am wondering why I bother being there for people especially my so called best friends because I spend time making sure that they're ok and I will do what I can to help them..
But, what happens when it comes to me? I can tell you what happens, nothing. I was having a hard time recently with the change in my medication and trying something new and the only person who was there for me was my mum. Granted I did not tell my sister or my brother what was going on. But I did that because my sister has 3 kids my nephews and I didn't want her to worry about me when she already has the kids to look after, but I did speak to her a couple times and then eventually opened up as soon as I saw her which was the Monday after my doctors appointment which was 2 weeks ago. My so called friends knew as one of them I look after her kids for on a Tuesday and it just felt like no one believed me. Eventually she came back and said that she was worried about me as I wasn't myself and said to her point blank that it was what I had been telling her but she didn't listen!
Think its time for me to be selective on who I talk to now saves getting hurt even more..
Monday, October 1
What A Lovely Day
Today I finally got to spend some time with my Godson.. I've not seen him or my friend since the beginning of May 2012..
Cannot get over how big he is, same with the girls.. They've grown up so so much over the last few months, but I need to try and see them so much more because they keep forgetting about me and it kinda sucks!!
Spent the best part of today admiring wedding dresses and talking about the wedding next year, been looking at bridesmaid dresses for me - but its hard when I have a weird body shape :/
Looking forward to trying to find something though lol
Going to have an early night tonight I think though, as last night I stayed up till gone 5am and woke up around 9 to let the cat out to find it was raining.. I love the rain :)
Looking forward to seeing my sister this week now, but not looking forward to going to the doctors lol
But then, who does look forward to seeing a doctor :/
Cannot get over how big he is, same with the girls.. They've grown up so so much over the last few months, but I need to try and see them so much more because they keep forgetting about me and it kinda sucks!!
Spent the best part of today admiring wedding dresses and talking about the wedding next year, been looking at bridesmaid dresses for me - but its hard when I have a weird body shape :/
Looking forward to trying to find something though lol
Going to have an early night tonight I think though, as last night I stayed up till gone 5am and woke up around 9 to let the cat out to find it was raining.. I love the rain :)
Looking forward to seeing my sister this week now, but not looking forward to going to the doctors lol
But then, who does look forward to seeing a doctor :/
Saturday, July 28
Things That Make You Wonder .... "WHY"
Over the last few days, I have been finding various things out, and I don't like what I see..
I run graphics through a friend page on Facebook, and over the last few months I have come to meet some nice people, some not so nice.
Worst thing is, the not so nice things come from someone whom you classed as a 'friend'
Everyone has their opinions, I am not saying they don't, but surely if you had a problem with someone you would therefore explain it to someone to hope to solve the differences or just brush it off and ignore it because you know full well that saying something would cause drama.. Or so you think!
I've been hurt and distraught over people taking advantage of me, and reporting me for silly little things left right and centre, but never did I expect to see it come from someone whom you class as a friend..
1st problem - made a graphic to print, laminate & post - which I did, but then claimed never got it and then set a month long problem with PayPal.. Got their refund & their graphic *sigh*
2nd problem - made a timeline cover & display picture to help out a 'friend' for free - stole my design stuck them onto t-shirts and sold them *sigh*
3rd problem - a 'friend' criticise my work, wrote how they wanted to hurt me, and blocked me from seeing everything on their page - god knows why :\ and now I think I've fallen out with my friend over it..
This is the 3rd thing to go wrong since doing my graphics, all in the space of months! Something is starting to tell me that maybe I am wasting my time and efforts in doing what I am doing, and I should just give up..
Another part of me is telling myself to not give up and let these people win, because there are people out there whom have come forward and told me how my work has helped them grieve and so much more..
I don't want to let people down, but I don't want people criticising me and being generally rude for no reason at all.. I've never criticised them or their work, and I have been doing what I do for the last 7 years, not to mention the 2 year gap! But I still designed websites for friends..
Really wish I knew what gave people the idea to say things like this, especially to fellow designers and friends!!
I get a lot of my inspiration from other graphics.. I look at them and think
" ohh wow I like that, I wonder if I can do it too "
And so I try, sometimes I fail, sometimes I don't..
Its not my fault a lot of the scrap kits are free to download, some are to purchase.. Not to mention having over 1000 of tubes!
All my work I do in Paintshop Pro X2 and I love it and love using it.. I am always learning new things.
I run graphics through a friend page on Facebook, and over the last few months I have come to meet some nice people, some not so nice.
Worst thing is, the not so nice things come from someone whom you classed as a 'friend'
Everyone has their opinions, I am not saying they don't, but surely if you had a problem with someone you would therefore explain it to someone to hope to solve the differences or just brush it off and ignore it because you know full well that saying something would cause drama.. Or so you think!
I've been hurt and distraught over people taking advantage of me, and reporting me for silly little things left right and centre, but never did I expect to see it come from someone whom you class as a friend..
1st problem - made a graphic to print, laminate & post - which I did, but then claimed never got it and then set a month long problem with PayPal.. Got their refund & their graphic *sigh*
2nd problem - made a timeline cover & display picture to help out a 'friend' for free - stole my design stuck them onto t-shirts and sold them *sigh*
3rd problem - a 'friend' criticise my work, wrote how they wanted to hurt me, and blocked me from seeing everything on their page - god knows why :\ and now I think I've fallen out with my friend over it..
This is the 3rd thing to go wrong since doing my graphics, all in the space of months! Something is starting to tell me that maybe I am wasting my time and efforts in doing what I am doing, and I should just give up..
Another part of me is telling myself to not give up and let these people win, because there are people out there whom have come forward and told me how my work has helped them grieve and so much more..
I don't want to let people down, but I don't want people criticising me and being generally rude for no reason at all.. I've never criticised them or their work, and I have been doing what I do for the last 7 years, not to mention the 2 year gap! But I still designed websites for friends..
Really wish I knew what gave people the idea to say things like this, especially to fellow designers and friends!!
I get a lot of my inspiration from other graphics.. I look at them and think
" ohh wow I like that, I wonder if I can do it too "
And so I try, sometimes I fail, sometimes I don't..
Its not my fault a lot of the scrap kits are free to download, some are to purchase.. Not to mention having over 1000 of tubes!
All my work I do in Paintshop Pro X2 and I love it and love using it.. I am always learning new things.
Monday, May 2
Theres always something there to remind me...
Today i was how you say reminded of the incident that occured around 5 years ago, when i was staying in seaford, east sussex for just under 5months.
I was sleeping on a friends sofa, due to falling out with my boyfriend, best friend and mum..
Whilst i was staying there i was accused of stealing £50 from my friends aunt & uncle... i was gob smacked to learn this!
I was actually given £50 via bank transfer from my uncle at the time i was staying in seaford due to no money, and he offered it to me as a "belated birthday gift" from missing out on quite a few birthdays!
But, i never withdrew the money from my account, nor did i deposit it.
This now cannot be proved, but even so, i know i never stole from them, never have done and never will, its not me.
But, my mum on the other hand believed me because of the problems i was going through, i had litterally found i was clinicly depressed, and diagnosed that year by a dr in Preston, when i was living there that same year, in April 2006.
So, my mum replaced the money that i was accused of stealing, and few years ago it came around to someone else admitting they stole the money, but i am the one who is still being blamed and kinda punished for something i never even did in the first place.
Which now is putting pressure on me deciding if it is worth continuing a friendship with my friend because of her aunt and other friend not dropping something or apologising for something i never had even done in the first place!
Ohhh what do i do
I was sleeping on a friends sofa, due to falling out with my boyfriend, best friend and mum..
Whilst i was staying there i was accused of stealing £50 from my friends aunt & uncle... i was gob smacked to learn this!
I was actually given £50 via bank transfer from my uncle at the time i was staying in seaford due to no money, and he offered it to me as a "belated birthday gift" from missing out on quite a few birthdays!
But, i never withdrew the money from my account, nor did i deposit it.
This now cannot be proved, but even so, i know i never stole from them, never have done and never will, its not me.
But, my mum on the other hand believed me because of the problems i was going through, i had litterally found i was clinicly depressed, and diagnosed that year by a dr in Preston, when i was living there that same year, in April 2006.
So, my mum replaced the money that i was accused of stealing, and few years ago it came around to someone else admitting they stole the money, but i am the one who is still being blamed and kinda punished for something i never even did in the first place.
Which now is putting pressure on me deciding if it is worth continuing a friendship with my friend because of her aunt and other friend not dropping something or apologising for something i never had even done in the first place!
Ohhh what do i do
Friday, October 22
My New Friends Pinkie & Blueie WotWot
This is to welcome my new stuffed friends, big enough to fit in my pocket,
Pinkie & Blueie WotWot!
I bought these two in the Fabulos 99's shop in our town, and fell in love with them both, there was actually 4, but was only allowed to buy 2 =(
When i next in town providing the other 2 are still there, i will get the other two!
This is them both in McDonald's not long after i bought them..
The Blue One on the left = Blueie
The Pink One on the right = Pinkie!!
These are the WotWots!! :)
So cute aren't they, in a weird and wonderful way with their big wide eyes, teehee
I have decided to "Cruise" around and take them with me everywhere i go, and take photos of them in strange and wonderful places... hey.. least it is something to keep me occupied i guess, even if i is childish! ha ha i have few more photos but i am not sure if i should share on here, or on facebook!!!
I would really like to see if i can get them over the world, how amazing would that be, i can send them out to people over the world, starting with people in the UK and going from there, then they'd get to see the world. and they'd have to post the pictures on facebook and stuffs so can see their current location etc.
Now that would be amazing....
Thursday, February 11
My Friend's Gig...
So, last night i actually went out, i mean went out out ... i went out to the Unicorn Pub in bognor, and watched my friend play his guitar and sing - LIVE!
i have not been out to see him in a long while, due to not going out much and staying indoors.
I really enjoyed it, and he was amazing!!!
i have not been out to see him in a long while, due to not going out much and staying indoors.
I really enjoyed it, and he was amazing!!!
^^ This Is Paul ^^
^^ Michelle & Jenny ^^
^^ This Is Me With Paul ^^
^^ This is a random picture of me, thought i would share ^^
.. i had a really good evening, despite the problems i have within my self at the moment (personal ones) and i couldnt drink because of them, but still i had a good time, and cant wait till it comes about again really..!
Friday, January 29
Dont You Just Love Thursday...?
Today was a strange day..
what with having a crap nights sleep wednesday.. oops! still.. i managed to survive the day..
It started with a interview/meeting at a place for my benefit .. which turned out not to bad so bad, i told the truth admitted my problems and whats going on with me in myself and with my issues around me and problems too..
then realised at the end of it that i knew her from when i was a child - which was kinda embarrassing but it at least made it less scary for me, as i had to go alone for this due to no one able to help, as my sister was working, same with my mum..
went into town see if anything i can buy with my pennies, but i couldnt find anything except a new top - which costed me just £6 in New Look!
i bumped into Jennyfer and spoke with her for a little while and walked with her to bus stop, she got on her bus and then i waited around for mine and come home!
omg i was so board when i got in, it was just me and the cats, and although pebbles tried her hardest to sit in my lap whilst im sitting at the computer in the computer chair with my legs crossed... it was just boring lol even facebook or playing scrabble didnt do anything!!!
I met my new friend Michael last night.. that was fun.. lovely lad! =)
what with having a crap nights sleep wednesday.. oops! still.. i managed to survive the day..
It started with a interview/meeting at a place for my benefit .. which turned out not to bad so bad, i told the truth admitted my problems and whats going on with me in myself and with my issues around me and problems too..
then realised at the end of it that i knew her from when i was a child - which was kinda embarrassing but it at least made it less scary for me, as i had to go alone for this due to no one able to help, as my sister was working, same with my mum..
went into town see if anything i can buy with my pennies, but i couldnt find anything except a new top - which costed me just £6 in New Look!
i bumped into Jennyfer and spoke with her for a little while and walked with her to bus stop, she got on her bus and then i waited around for mine and come home!
omg i was so board when i got in, it was just me and the cats, and although pebbles tried her hardest to sit in my lap whilst im sitting at the computer in the computer chair with my legs crossed... it was just boring lol even facebook or playing scrabble didnt do anything!!!
I met my new friend Michael last night.. that was fun.. lovely lad! =)
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