What A Lovely Day

Today I finally got to spend some time with my Godson.. I've not seen him or my friend since the beginning of May 2012..
Cannot get over how big he is, same with the girls.. They've grown up so so much over the last few months, but I need to try and see them so much more because they keep forgetting about me and it kinda sucks!!

Spent the best part of today admiring wedding dresses and talking about the wedding next year, been looking at bridesmaid dresses for me - but its hard when I have a weird body shape :/
Looking forward to trying to find something though lol

Going to have an early night tonight I think though, as last night I stayed up till gone 5am and woke up around 9 to let the cat out to find it was raining.. I love the rain :)
Looking forward to seeing my sister this week now, but not looking forward to going to the doctors lol
But then, who does look forward to seeing a doctor :/

I Love The British Weather..

It just keeps raining..

I love the smell, I love the sounds, I love watching it fall down my window... Ok there isn't really anything I hate about it lol
One thing I do not like, is thunderstorms!! Even though I happily sat outside a friends house in Seaford, East Sussex watching a massive lightning storm out at sea - I am still scared :/
That day is something I will probably never experience again.. And what is worse is that I was unable to record it that day.. My phone was flat and my camera needed batteries :(
Best way to describe it was like a massive firework display.. But of lightning lol
Scary bit was when it looked like a fork of lightning was about to hit a ferry coming out of Newhaven Harbour..

Last night was one of those nights that made me unhappy, because a flash of lightning come and then a rumble of thunder :(
Booooo...


I really need to learn how to photograph the clouds properly with my Kodak Z1015s camera.. Either that or edit these kind of photographs in Paint Shop Pro..
Loves my fluffy clouds I do..

Feeling Hot.. Hot.. Hot!!

Woah.. What a bloody day!!

I cannot get over how HOT it was out there today, I seriously thought and felt at one point that I was melting! Cannot get over it.. Soo awful
But, one good things came out of it as such, because I attempted to use a lawn mower today  =O
It was a little hard work, and it was awkward to use but I did the best I could.. So I was chuffed because at least I tried =)

Afterwards, I took a few pictures of the flowers/weeds growing in the garden.. We planted some vegetables and stuff in the ground a few weeks ago, but because of the amount of rain we've experienced we think they drowned =(
We lost those, but we do have some potted up and ready to plant, which isn't so bad I guess.. But a lot has been drowned, poor little seedlings..

Watched my other half rotovate the ground a little so he could plant some potatoes in the ground which is fun, I even took pictures of that.. They look well cool the way they look like they've been "frozen in time" hehe
Down side is that he hit a baby slow worm =( I picked it up with a bit of a dead daffodil to investigate, and it's tongue was still coming in and out.. So that was a good sign!
Got it wet to try and bring it out of shock and checked a few hours later, and it was gone.. So glad that it's ok though.. Poor lil thing!
It was diddy..

On another note, there seems to be another seagull in the same spot as there was one 2 years ago, so with a bit of luck in a few months time we may see some baby seagulls again - YAY

Been a lovely day, even though I felt was melting..

Thunderrr

This is a clip i made in the garden when we had a massive thunder storm in June 2011.

I was so scared, i do not know or understand how i managed to go out into the garden to film this, but i did!

Check it out...

What a gorgeous few days it has been..

I have to say i am quite impressed with the weather at the moment..

Last couple of days have been pretty nice, sunny but not too hot with a nice cool breeze flowing in through the windows.
I have been outside in the garden the last couple of days enjoying it.. not sunbathing, but just enjoying it.

Really, i have to admit i LOVE the rain, and would rather sit outside in a rain storm .. yes a rain storm!!
But it has been pretty neat.

Hopefully it will stay like this for a couple of days as i can then get out in the garden and take more pictures of the wildlife and plants etc.
Yesterday, i managed to get some amazing pictures of tadpoles, really wish i could've bought them home! but dont have anywhere to keep them really!!

Although, i could had made up a fish tank, then i could study them and learn how to they grow into frogs, now that would've been a cool idea!
Maybe i should do that next year?
Hopefully, we'll have a pond by then, so can keep them in garden but i would also like to have a tank to keep them in indoors so i can watch them grow... cool? i think so!!!

I'm Singing In The Rain..

Well, not quite, but i am admiring the view of the rain and listening to the raindrops hitting my window and ceiling...

Kinda wishing i was standing outside in the rain, without an umbrella!!

They say the sound of rain is relaxing, i guess they're kinda true.. but there is nothing quite like sitting in front of the window where it is raining admiring the view..
Everything, well nearly everything looks better wet

Especially flowers, they look cool when are wet with raindrops on their petals etc.

1 Down, 3 More To Go (for now)

Today was the first official session of Coping Skills..
All we talked about was ways of helping me sleep, and things which could stop me from sleeping.
So now i have some 'homework' to do, so i am going to start trying it out tonight, although i am pretty tired from the bad night last night, so i might just get off to sleep ok with out no worries, if i do then i am going to cry!!
But then again, i do have my ipod - that kind of helps.. because i can relax myself and take my mind off things by editing photos or playing games on it..
I had a panic before i left, as i was tired from bad night sleep and constant waking etc. and stressing about what happened in the evening didnt really help matters..
So i didnt actually get out of bed and do something until almost 1pm.. and then finally got ready to leave for 13:30.. until got to the bus stop and saw the buses were up shoot :( 3 buses went past to chichester, but nothing going to Bognor i was like argh.. noo!! i text my friend in a panic but thankfully a bus finally came, as i would had been fooked if i couldn't had got there because of no transport :(
But it turned out ok in the end, just as soon as i got out though i started shaking and felt very light headed as if i was going to faint.. but i didnt i just stood there shivvering as it was soo bloody cold today!! i cant wear anything too heavy under neath my coat/jacket, so i wear a vest top so i dont sweat soo much..
But, i didnt realise it would end up being almost freezing at 3pm lol i wish i had taken a scarf to be honest!!

I need to buy a file to keep all my informations together, so i don't loose it and its all together and i can flick back and forth to stuffs also!
So i guess it would be kinda like going back to school lol

Also mentioned about something i forgot last week to mention was help to get over my ectopic pregnancy because i dont think i can do it on my own, considering it has now been nearly 7months and i just genuinely cannot get it off my mind or stop thinking about and worrying about the way things could've have been.. especially wanting to have been able to have my baby, and wondering how my life would be like with him/her in my life etc.

But i was told i would need counselling through my GP for that, or support groups.. or i could look into the internet for help and talk about it amongst people in similar situations etc.
So i can either wait for the end of my coping skills sessions to work out what would be best, or i can go to my GP or just find support myself..!

Rain.. Rain... Rain....

Ahhh man.. i started writing something really cool.. and then suddenly looked out window whilst typing and the rain has stopped! lol
i was going to say about how nice it looks outside, despite it being bit dark and gloomy, especially when it was nice and sunny not 20mins ago.
...nevermind!
i will just say that i love the rain...!!!

Snow Snow Snow...

well for the last week or so now, all thats outside the window is snow.. and ice and more snow and ice! lol

I have not been out, and i have not really wanted to, because it is just to darn cold.. and in some ways dangerous.
I have some more pictures of what i have taken in the snow, including my first attempt to build and make a snowmans! - and well it kinda looks really demented - but it didnt really help that i tried to give me snowmans 'breasts' - oops! lol

I have also been suffering for the past few weeks with a cold and a cough, which isnt fun either, because what with feeling the effects of that, and the cold outside, just is not fun!

I seriously cannot wait for it to be alot safer outside and be able to walk without falling over and hurting myself - again! lol

Here are some pictures for the start of 2010 with the snow....

 

 

 

 ok so this is my demented snowman! lol it has little bear ears.. and 'breasts' also! lol

...god knows what i was thinking when i tried to make this!!!!

Well Well Well... Whad'ya Know....

Its Snowing again here in Bognor Regis today... actually in fact it has been snowing since around 8 maybe 9pm last night, on and off!
i only went to check because people were making status's about the snow, thought they were being muppets until i went out and saw it for myself.. although i got called a dumbass because i was told it was in fact raining not long before hand, but hey lol
after a while i went out there in my PJ's to take some more pictures and i fell over in the bloody snow :( really hurt me it did..but i insisted on wanting to go out there again (but i didnt go out) i only wanted to take pictures.. but i did take a couple before i had to come back inside from falling over and getting bit wet etc. lol

Today.. i woke up with it snowing, again looked out the bedroom window and it looks as though the ground is thick with snow - so i am in fact hoping to go out there and make a snow mans today as i didnt get to make one last time *sigh* and also get few more pictures than i did before few weeks ago!

but for now.. lets just hope and pray i dont fall over in the snow and hurt myself ... again!!!!

More Snow Pictures..

These are some of the pictures i took today out side my house .. still some 'snow' but most of it is like ice.. *sigh* but still looks pretty on the car =)

 

 

 

 

ok thats enough.. but can see all my pictures on facebook >> Here << lol

Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow...!!

Today i was taken into town by the bested friend i could ever had asked for, he didnt have to take me out he could had ignored me, but no he didnt, he actually took me out of the house went into town everything..
i didnt buy anything, due to no money - yet.. but i think i got a few ideas for christmas presents either way.
mind u in saying that i recieved my first christmas card and christmas present last night from a friend =) first christmas present from a friend i believe in a very long time.. so i am quite chuffed to be honest, but still i aint gonna open it till christmas.. hehe
I had a bloody snow ball thrown at me from me mate and then i made a mini snow man on the bench lol he was well tiny.. but i couldnt do him properly as my hands were bloody cold...
I was really nervous about getting into town, on the bus i completely forgot what i was doing and where i was going .. and then when i got into town and could see loads of people my head felt heavy and i started feeling faint.. but i was brave and stuck it out and me and my friend went into town, was weird and was fiddling with my sleeves on my coat loads and in shops i was playing with the drawstring bit on the coat that supposed make it tight or loose..
We went around few shops, not many and then went into Morrisons and i got me some doughnuts and chocolate biccies *yum*
On the way home i was clinging onto the seat for dear life, god knows why but i just keep feeling nervous all the time no matter what i do where i go etc. its crazy crazy crazy!!! - i was going to take some pictures but by time we got there it had melted and was all slushy from the various buses and cars going round.. so that was bit disapointing.. but still i got some snaps before.. although thinking about going into the garden and making a snow man - again teehee.

Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow!!

WOW

i woke up around 4:30am as wanted a drink and was cold suddenly had urge to look outside and BAM everything was white.. with the snow still falling.. it looks so magical out there it really does!!
i dont remember the last time i saw Snow in Bognor, and in december too.

I have been out there already,  i was out there at 5am messing around trying to get some pictures, i am going to go back out but waiting for the light to come up - and it is taking its sweet arse time.. i really wanna get some more pictures .. as my phone aint very good even if it does have a flash - but i dont think that it is good enough in the dark and trying to look out into the distance too.

We may be going to town sooon, going early seen as we are awake etc. but it depends how feeling as it is kinda cold out side and stuff but who knows..

I already had a nice cuppa hot chocolate..

(not that it looked like this but still)

And then had a nice hot cup tea too which i have been dunking some biscuits in like i always do with Tea.. hehe

Will add some of my photos soon when i take some more and find my micro sd adapter to go into my sd card reader on my laptop.. fingers crossed the light come up soon i really really wanna go back outside lol

but for now, i am laying on the sofa with GMTV on (nothing else on this time of morning) with the fire burning.. not really toasty - yet - but i am hoping it warm me or toast me up soon lol

3rd December

what a hetic couple of days man.. i have had about what, 8 hours sleep or so in the last 2 days its horrendous! i think i am going to spend the next few days with a pillow or two strapped around my head, for just incase i decide i want to go to sleep.
i guess it is my own  fault in some ways, i kinda stopped taking my anti depressants just to see what they do to me - and so far nothing, but i stopped taking the anxiety tablets also, so that hasnt helped as they were to help me sleep, but even though i was taking them too i did try to stay awake as long as possible because it is just so cold at night and no one likes to sleep alone do they!?
plus it was raining over here again last night, i am suprised that Bognor is still walkable suprised it aint a giant swimming pool like it is in Wales at the moment with all the rivers bursting its banks etc. i just dont understand where all this rain is coming from anymore, it is just madness complete madness..! dont really know why i am moaning for i actually love the rainy weather, but i dont know why but this time around i cant handle the coldness anymore its weird, normally it aint so bad but i guess it doesnt help with being around people who were born in a barn and leave the doors open so that the nice heat flows out the bloody doors lol.
i am still debating on what to do about the antidepressants, i am well was taking citalopram anti depressants along with some anxiety tablets but i stopped because i just seriously felt no change, people were telling me i be ok in certain amount of time, others said they take a long time to work, and in the end i just gave up i hate waiting in some ways so it was just frustrating me even more because nothing was changing and i guess i kinda wished that it would had started now, but then again i am still caught up with my assessment and how crappy it went that day, maybe i should had entered in there like a crazy person and come out again crazy person then people might actually want to help instead of telling me that there aint much wrong with me just trauma and then being told they give me help for anxiety etc. what morons!!!!!
about that, things aint changed there either, i mean, no one has been in touch yet to tell me whats going on, and what is making things worse is i HAVE to go to the jobcentre tomorrow for some meeting thing with them for the ESA benefit i am on, but i aint been  out in weeks again because i am worried to be out on my own and i have panick attacks and everything, but no one seems to take much notice of me and i guess that doesnt help neither, i wanna have a job again and i wanna work, yeah, but right now it aint a possibility when i keep having panick attacks before i leave, i have a panick attack when the front door goes, the phone rings i panick and when i am  on my own and walk past the front door i get nervous i guess i often see so much going round in my head about myself and sometimes of someone else that it has worried me a great deal i dont know, but again there aint much point in talking to a proffessional when they dont bloody listen and wont help me properly.
i dunno i guess most of the reason why i cant sleep at night is because i am worried of what tomorrow will bring me and if i am going to survive another day how am i going to do it etc. there is so much going round and round that i cant settle on one thing nothing sticks for long its crazy and i guess i am now too....?

1st of December

well today is offically the countdown to christmas - oh joy..!

i am so not looking forward to christmas this year if i am honest, just the thought of all the stuff that has been happening over the last few months has just spiraled out of control and i guess i know that it aint gonna be the same again, in some ways i am pleased as mums now happier but dad has just changed, and he doesnt see it we all do but no one seems to know what to do or say i guess?
dad has become really distant, he keeps promissing us kids that he is always gonna be here for us, but when i ring him in need of help he doesnt.. fair enough he has no car, but if he was at my aunt and uncles where he is in fact staying he could've got my uncle to help out or something, but no, dad spends more of his time in reading, and to be honest i dont know why i even bothered to ring him in the first place, completely useless he doesnt get in touch to see if we are ok he just ignores us solidly unless we need his help. it was my brothers birthday a week or so ago, and my dad didnt bother to turn up, didnt buy him a card or a present just told him to contact him and he take dan shopping for something... my poor brother he has autism and he needs a dad, but to our dad we are old enough to get on with our own lives.. well if only he knew the idiot!!!
today has been a rather cold day.. didnt wanna get out of bed for the feel of coldness around the face and fingers etc. admittedly i love the cold side of the bed, but this was just MADNESS it was so freeeezing i have been sitting on the sofa the majority of the day cuddled up under a blanket i have tried to keep the door shut but someone keeps walking in and leaving the blasted thing open letting the heat from the fire out and the cold air in what a numpty *grr*
my sleeping pattern has spiraled out of control.. i just dont seem to sleep well or not enough or i stay up all night now and i just cannot settle its difficult.. in a way i am fed up with telling people because no one listens to me or no one understands, and i think most of it goes back to what happened with the bedale centre on the 18th of november. but i cant help it i just so annoyed still and there is still no word from anyone about what they are going to do for me, so i guess yet again the outcome is NOTHING!!

back to christmas coming.. i am worried about it alot because i have no money again this year, and it is all because i am a idiot and i dont have a job for a stupid fear of being outside and being around people, but again no one listens to that.. anyway i should be getting ESA which i guess i am, just no moneys coming in, really i should pluck up the courage to get in touch with someone but i get so frustrated with their telephone service and the waiting on someone to pick up and help and then trying to explain etc. it again frustrates me even more, which is why in some ways i dont use my mobile much anymore, well partly no credit, and partly no one texts me other than one person and i dont know why he texts me really lol

hopefully i can sort something out for christmas but i am bit worried about the outcome and the coming up to it but i guess we have to be strong for each other, as now it is just my sister, brother and my mum now.. thats it!