Wednesday, March 31

Should I Keep Or Should I Let Go....?

This is the big question i have to ask .. not that i have any readers ...but just something i wanted to put out..

I never get any response from this blog, i do not get any comments or any followers there really any point in keeping this page going..?
I really thought that having this open might help someone else like me seek the help or advice that is required, but no one responds!

I guess it kinda feels like i invisible on the internet as i am in the 'real world' - sometimes i feel and think that it would be easier to be a virtual being.. hmm...

I dont understand what it is i am doing wrong, i just really wanted to help people!!!

Monday, March 29

Its Been 2 Weeks..

Since my operation and suprisingly i am OK - which is strange when i have seen loads of people on various Ectopic Pregnancy groups on facebook...
But all i can say about that is i guess i had no choice in the matter, i was told if i didnt have the methotrexate injection then it would end in complications but due to the endless amounts of calls from some idiot i ignored the hospital & doctors whom was trying to ring me to have my blood test done to work out if i need the second injection - which is then what lead me up into my tube rupturing and having to have that removed along with the 12w fetus growing there..
I guess i kinda feel angry, as it could had been avoided - but in some ways i am relieved incase it had happened again and it was in the left again - but i would had never known that my tube was damaged (to which i still am not aware what from) i just feel kind of mixed up - maybe the reason why i have been "ok" is because i am putting a front on so people cant see what i am really going through,  because i sure as hell know no one on my facebook is really interested in whats going on or whats happened... including some of my family!
But now, after keeping this page for the last 4/5 months i am now in threat to remove it because some idiot knows what i wrote about her - but thing is, everything i have said is true! and now im being told that she is going to do the same to me "to see how i like it" - thing is i aint really done anything wrong to her, all she knows is the stuff that Tim has told her over the last 2 years - so all she is going to do is gain attention for something that really isnt true - so if you are reading this:
*then good luck to you, i dont much care! because i know what i really am and what i have done, and well good luck to you because at end of the day all you have is very little truth and very little on the facts! *
I just dont understand how some person can be adamant to ruin someones life, if i had left then what would happen - nothing, either that or got her own way to shut her up as goes on and on despite having pretty much told for the last 3 months she is not longer wanted....!!!
anyway enough of the little mental person - i am not going to let IT ruin my life anymore, she has done enough damage the last 2 years!
.... I really need to focus on me, or at least my family as we are still being ripped to shreads..
why does something that seems to be OK for so many years end up with everything shattered...?
its hardly fair anymore

Thursday, March 25

What Is Happening To Me..?

This morning i woke up to my "brother" hurling abuse about me and to me over my facebook page... and i still have not got down to the "real" reason.. he keeps saying:
- "your the biggest bitch in the world"
- "your a BULLY"
- "you ruined my life"
and various things along that line... but the one thing that hurt me the most was this:
"You ficked your life up by getting knocked up. Its your fault all this and I'm glad your baby is dead, i don't care! you would had ruined it's life, like you do everyone elses" what did i deserve those cruel words!?
I tell you why i think i got that kind of abuse - i stood up for my mother, he was hurling abuse at her because..
1 - his phone was barred and didnt know why
2 - his ps3 controller wasnt working, so went up stairs to bash it up some more
3 - mum paid HIS phone bill and threatened her because it wasnt HIS fault (yet the sim is in HIS phone.. work that out)
i cant believe that my own flesh and blood, my own brother, would use them cruel words! i have never ever heard anything like it, and i have had abuse thrown at me before now many a times!

It was dreadful.. my brother was there when i got the results of my pregnancy..
my brother was there sitting with me in the ambulence when i had to go to A&E as i was bleeding.. 
my brother was there with me sitting in A&E
my brother was there talking about how cool it would be to be an uncle and how he would like to be called
my brother was there for me that day i found out it was ectopic..
my brother was there for me few days later when i come back from the hospital after the emergancy operation
....all these things he had done for me and been there for me which was just amazing to then turn around few days later and say these harmful words...?

I'm deeply hurt, and deeply gobsmacked


^This Is Me, Dan & Becci (92/93)^

^ this is me with dan (04/05) ^

^ this is most recent pic of dan and me (08/09?) ^

...we looked so happy.... what on earth happened to my brother....?

Monday, March 22

1 Week On...

This time last week i was in the middle of having my operation! scary thoughts really.. in some ways!
i cant believe how quick it has kinda gone by, and i also cant believe i still aint got my head around it and it still has not sunk in, but i guess it could be due to the faulse hopes i was kinda given over the last month did not really help much, but i guess when i think about it properly and realise that i have only got one ovary & fallopian tube now and the chances of having another baby are going to be cut by half.. although i am unsure on how i would concieve again as i thought i was infertile.. plus i dont know if i would have an ectopic again! - hopefully NOT but its still risks & things i have at back of mind.

Today i had to go to the doctor to hand over my information from the operation last week, unfortunatly my darling brother wrote on my envelope thinking it was scrap/rubbish! so it may be well seem bit weird on the page but i guess they can get another copy from the hospital if need be and required..!
anyways.. my dr said that my "glued bits" are healing up nicely, my middle one has been oozing, but unsure if it is old or new, but said that they are looking ok and i have no worries about them, just leave the air to get to it! I also feel i may have a urine infection something like thrush/cystitus.. but she did say i am bound to get an infection but my body shall fight it but if still not good by weekend or whatever i go back and sort it properly.. i got new tablets Naproxen as the diclofenic ones apparently cause heart disease n can cause stomach upset and the dr dont prescribe them i was thinking OMG.. but its ok! lol
Went to get my prescription got back in car realised i had not picked up my sick note so i had to go back into the surgery to get it from the front desk - then found out that there are debt collecters after me oops.. so i had to then sort out my sick note for the ESA on the phone, tried to contac the debt collectors to see if i can sort out payments next week as no money till esa sick note back on!

Now however i am resting, as i kinda feel i may have over done it tonight, as i am feeling tiny bit sore again but i guess it is now the air, sweat and skin to skin rubbing..

Friday, March 19

What A Week...

Sunday 14th March was Mothers Day... it wasnt so bad, i wasnt sad too much because obviously i lost my baby on the 26th of feb.. so i spent the day with my other half, his 2 kids and his mate.. was lovely, had a fun filled day with laughs and giggles from the kids..
it wasnt until between 11pm and 12am that i started to get severe pains in my side and i felt sick and dizzy.. i went to the loo thinking it was stomach upset.. nothing so i had a bath to try and ease off the pain abit, fell asleep in the bath a couple of times and also took some soluable paracetamol to ease off some of the pain..
went to bed but i couldnt get comfortable due to the pain, eventually i'd fall asleep only to wake up 20-30mins later in agony, it was like it for 4 hours, in the end i gave in and i sat where i felt comfortable (on the toilet :|...) i sat there from 4am to 8am when i got the other half up as i read up on information from IBS & Ectopic Pregnancy... and it turned out the pain i was feeling was my ectopic pregnancy...
i got hold of my mum, told her what was going on an she said to ring ambulence but i wasnt so sure incase i was being bit whats the word... hypocondriact (not sure if spelt right)
but in the end mum was right, and i gave in and got my other half call me an ambulence, so i was rushed off to hospital on the Monday 15th... i ended up being put on morphine and a drip thing and had to wait around ages for something to be done - as usual lol
i had my emergancy operation at half 3 in the afternoon, i was told that i lost 1 litre of blood and i almost died and could had suffered a heart attack...
i came round and was put on the ward around 730pm
i had:
Mum, Dad, Becci (my sister) Alan (becci's boyfriend) & my Uncle Andy waiting for me.. my other half couldnt be there as he still had his son and he had no way of getting to chi.
i spent few days in hospital.. was awful!
i had to use Bed Pans & portable toilets before i could get myself to the bathroom... lol
I came home on the wednesday afternoon with co-codymol, other type pain killers and iron tablets inlcuding a nice big bottle of lactulose! lol
have been spending time at home with my mum, pretty much sleeping on and off... and my other half came to see me at home twice..

at the moment i am focusing on sorting myself out, psyically - as i need to be strong enough to get through this before i get too emotional!

i have a gone too soon page up on the internet

i had to update it, as i assumed i had lost it on the 26th feb when i had my termination injection of the methotrexate drug.

I am not in so much pain anymore, more discomfort and achey type feelings.. so i am just relaxing and trying to get myself better =)
i got the help of my Mum, Brother &a Sister oh and not to forget my other half Tim ;) hehe

I have not heard much in way of friends, or family.. had no visitors other than:
Uncle Andy - Mum - Dad - Becci - Alan - my other half Tim -Angela - Ant (my cousin) - this was in hospital
at home i am with Mum - Becci - Dan
My other half Tim & Alan & Kev are the only 3 people who have visited me at home! =(

Saturday, March 13

oh my god... what ever next..

When will this shit end..!?
grr seriously this girl is mental.. threatening me first to have me beaten up and then to have me taken away by pyshchiatrists & men in white coats.. and now the police.. what ever next...?
..i dont get it.. i mean it ok her telling us she fed up being treated like shit or told kill herself but in fact it is the other way around..
i am being threatened with:
- pyschiatrists and the men in white coats to take me away
- be beaten up by various people
- and now being in trouble with the police... she having a laugh?
she is a mental case.. rings up constantly .. texts all the time, claims she is pregnant, claims she has having abortions and miscarriages etc. 
she is telling me that i am to blame for everything that is going wrong in her life - yet she is the one causing all the problems!
i was awake till very late last night in a state for what she has been saying and doing to me, and now i have to change my mobile number to get rid of the sad individual.. and i believe me other half now has to do the same!
Its ok her telling me how much of a nut job i am for what i have done, and the violence streaks i have that dont come out all the time
but she wasnt so quick to start a fight herself when she was here a few months ago because she didnt like it she was told to leave and didnt like it she was told she was not wanted but insisted she HAD to stay because she was covered in bruises - but she had no markings on her at all my other half did! 

i swear she sets the police on me, then fine! i can get her into far more shit.. plus she is supposed to work with kids in a nursery in chichester....!? seriously if she acts like this all the time then aint them kids in danger themselves!?
I have never ever come into this sort of trouble ever in my life! 
this girl has ruined her own life for being such a dickhead and ruining friendships and relationships! 

she has been hanging around in the darkness for almost 2 years now, and she still doesnt get that it aint her he wants it is me but she insists otherwise claiming she has all this evidence but never proves anything!

Why is it me who is being targetted for this nonsense... i have not done a thing wrong to her - everything i have said about her and the way she acts and what is going on she is jealous.. but no she wont admit it she says all the time
"why would i be jealous of a retard like you"
and then why call me a retard!? how am i a retard..?
...aint that offensive to people who do have proper problems etc...!?

I have Borderline Personality Disorder..
and the thing that she does and say and everything make me change within seconds! i am frantically typing at my laptop writing this because i am so darn angry at her and for what she is doing and causing!
I just hope that when tim and i do get married she realise she has lost and fuck off and ruin someone elses life! 

I do not want to live the next 10, 20 years with some idiot like her who wont let go because she has no one else to fall back on, no one else wants her because of the way she is!

...garentee i get told that all this is me none of it her etc. - thing is i have all the recordings on the phones from what she says about me to me one answer machines! 
maybe i should post a cd of her screams and shouts down the phone, stupid threats and send them to her work

People say i am a psycho.. but no one actually knows what i and my other half have to deal with!

Maybe its her who needs be sectioned, taken away or whatever ... she is the one who threatens to kill herself because she cant get what she wants!
oh but then again, she does in the end, and that is stupid attention!!!

i am so angry its un true! thanks to her i now do not feel safe anywhere, she says she knows where my mum lives, she knows where my other half lives... no one or nothing is safe anymore!!
if anyone has any suggestions, help or ideas then please get in touch!

I cant cope with any of this anymore, and i seriously do not have a clue on what to do anymore! its beyond a joke!

Cut Me Some Slack..

Today i am very tired.. i didnt sleep well after going to bed around 3am i did not sleep very well i couldnt get what happened before hand with this girl upsetting me and causing me problems..
It was dreadful everyone tells me i am strong after what i been through so i shouldnt let her ruin me, but it is hard when stuff like that has been said and sent to my phone that i now have to change my mobile number just to stop the hurt and abuse coming through to me first!
Trouble is, she threats me all the time, been threatening with some person to beat me to pulp twice in space of few hours that never even happened.. and threatening to come over again today! and what makes it worse is she lies to get the attention and then my other half texts her to find out what she playing at etc. but as he says, she does it to wind me up and upset me and play mind games with me.. but if that is the case, then why does he continue to allow the idiot to threaten us and text her because she says she is coming over when she really isnt!?

i wish i had the answers and i really wish none of this ever happened.. but unfortantly the little girl gets off on the attention and rows that have been going on with her for the last few months, possibily the last year.
All she goes on about is being pregnant.. but for a pregnant person she sure dont act like it.. threatening, causing rows, upset - not just towards us but it involves her too but no, instead of leaving us alone she continues to cause problems!
some people are stupid, strange, cruel, manipulative and heartles...!! wonder this girl has no friends really.. and is about to loose her job - talk about nut job....

Why Are People Cruel & Heartless....?


I am being blamed for ruining someones life, when i have done nothing to this person in question.
For months and months and months she has been told where to go and to leave me alone etc. but she ignores mine and tims requests and turning it around to say that he doesnt want me and he wants her etc. and thats how it goes..
Tonight i have been told that i will have killed two babies...
but i genuinly cannot see how i have done this, i am the one who has been recieving messages saying stuff like:
"im going to abort my baby just to keep you happy"
"i am taking all my tablets just to make you happy"
..she keeps threatening me with killing her self etc, and blaming it all on me, i do not understand why...

It aint my fault that tim doesnt want her,

but because she knows of my BPD(borderline personality disorder) & Anxiety & Depression.. she now knows about the baby i have just lost.. etc.
she knows that she can get to me because of the way i am!

she has sent me a picture tonight of what is meant to be her baby ... telling me that it was that that i would be killing!

i am distraught and very mixed up and confused, how can someone put that amount of pressure on someone..
i myself do not know if i am coming or going as it is let alone having some mental case telling me i am killing her baby

i've also recieved endless amounts of threats to be beaten to a pulp... and everything


i am genuinely feeling fed up...
fed up with being threatened to be beaten to a pulp
fed up being the reason why someone is aborting their baby
fed up with being the reason why she has to cause problems
i aint exactly done anything to her, it aint my fault that tim dont want her... is it!?

i am so confused.. distraught.. scared.. mixed up...

Friday, March 12

Barracuda - Heart

At the moment i am constantly playing:

I am listening to this all the time on my phone when i start up the mp3 player i seem to keep loading up this one first


Rain.. Rain... Rain....

Ahhh man.. i started writing something really cool.. and then suddenly looked out window whilst typing and the rain has stopped! lol
i was going to say about how nice it looks outside, despite it being bit dark and gloomy, especially when it was nice and sunny not 20mins ago.
i will just say that i love the rain...!!!

Thank God Its Friday...

Ok well many not "Thank god its friday" but still.. its a different day, right!?

I am slowly getting there after my bad day i had the other day..
Today it has now been 2 weeks since i had the termination.. and i still sit here and think how on earth have i manged to go through it and cope with the last 2 weeks..!?
Still.. i will get some money again soooooonies and i will get to do bit more, may even think about making something for my now angel in heaven in the garden hehe

I missed my blood tests yesterday due to no moneys! :( and my dad didnt get in touch when apparently he was in Barnham Trading Post but didnt bother to let me know he could help me.. bit disappointed to be honest.. but what can you do!?

Spent the last few days indoors, not hiding, but staying as i have been out alot over the last 2 weeks.. but i also staying in due to no funds... so either way it had to be done *boohoo*

Tuesday, March 9

Has Been Thinking..

And i feel and think that maybe it is wise that i cut myself off from the world..
Like, hide away in a house all the time, and keep myself away from people, sort of like being locked up in a cell or a room or something, so that i not at risk to people anymore?
I feel strongly that i am just no good of person to be around anymore and i aint wanted nothing..

I hate change, and im scared of what will happen...

Today i loose my mind..

I just had my first break down in a long while..

I feel so angry, tense and i just wanna rip my skin off my body.. i just feel so alone today and fed up and i just dont know what to do to make anything better anymore
I have just got really angry and scared myself and spent the best part of the last hour or so crying, i hate having this bpd its no fun anymore.. i hate it but i am scared to sort it out because i hate change!

I feel as though everyone forgets about me, i am invisible to the world and no one likes me anymore!

I cant help who i am...

Sunday, March 7

Oh God Its Sunday Again...

i for some reason hate and know its sunday! and to make matters worse i was awake very very early this morning!
i am shattered to be honest, but i aint gonna sleep no more now!

i wonder what i shall do today... but i think i might actually work upon my websites seen as i have not actually touched any of them in a long while..
shall be interesting me thinks!!

Saturday, March 6

Thinking Of You With Love...

Thinking of my Nanny today..

She died March 6th 1996 of Breast Cancers, she was 55 when she died.

I was only 9 years old at the time, so i unfortnatly do not remember her much, all i have is the memory of her before she died, and the little things we did together when i was younger.
i dont remember how shed looked or anything anymore, all i have is a picture, to remind me of whom she was.

Dear Nanny,
14 years is a very long time, and i miss you and love you so much more each day.
There is never a day that passes that i wish you was still alive, with us now.. watching us all grow up and even see your
First Great-Granddaughter... Summer-Violet..
I wished for many times after you had gone to find a way to bring you back, rid you of your cancer and make you well again.. but unfortunatly i am not able to that, and i so wish i could!
So, for now, i have to sit here and try to think of things as they were, and wonder what it is like in heaven..
Hope your meet me on the other side Nan,

Love Always, 
Samantha xxx

Rest In Peace
Nanny Lee
(22.06.1941 to 06.03.1996)

These images are the ones that i had created with PaintShop Pro over the last couple of years..

Love You Nan xx

Boyzone - Gave It All Away..

I was told about this song tonight, and i have to say that Boyzone did a good song here..

I was told that this song was made and recorded whilst Stephen was alive.. and i have to say its a great song, and i am so going to get it when it comes out (if it hasnt already)

I would recommend you listen to this,

RIP Stephen Gately!!!

Fun.. Fun.. Fun...

Today after spending the day in bed being ill.. i went out with my other half and his kids! :)

was kinda nice actually.. but have to admit it bit hard, when they not my own! i felt bit sad today because although its good "practise" they aint mine.. and well watching them all 'playfight' etc. it kinda makes me sad because i feel bit like outcast.. probs silly.. just i wish i had a child who wanna play with me.. one of his kids aint too bad... i was getting hugs from one of them and spent the day playing with her.. and pushing around in pushchair..!
I did get some picture's as did my other half and done some funny videos that was cool.. :)

still.. to end this day i got a phone call from the Hospital telling me that they would like me to go back on the 11th for my last (possible final) blood test... just to make sure that my hormone levels go back to normal and there was no problems with my results which means i dont have to have another Injection for the termination because it has done what it was meant to do.. so thats kinda good i guess.

What a day..

Man Oh Man...
yesterday was like the day from hell.. i was well ill! :( and i dont even have a clue WHY... i just remember waking up with a very bad headache at 6am.. thought ahh i go back to sleep, i will feel better... and then again i woke up at 8 with the headache... did the same again and woke up at 10 this time and i really didnt feel well :( and i spent the day on the sofa and in bed as i couldnt stop being sick! i couldnt eat.. nothing! :( was dreadfull.. luckily come 10pm i managed to eat some Tomato Soup & Toast.. and i wasnt sick again!
Woke up this morning and i was like yyyyaaaaayyyy i dont feel sick no more, and to celebrate at 9:30am i ate a Chery Bakewell lol

Thursday, March 4

my.. my.. my..

What A Day... What A Day...

Had my last blood test today (dunno if good thing or bad...?) plus i am still bleeding on and off and light, sort of like 'spotting'
Spent the day with my other half and his son, which was nice.. even if it did hurt at times because it often hurts knowing that i had to loose mine, and i just dont have a connection like he does with his kids and it hurts! :( silly really.. but i just really wish i had my own child that would actually be excited to see me everyday and want to play with me and everything!
i dunno i guess i being silly... but i just in some ways in the 2 weeks i knew i was pregnant i kinda had this whole idea of what a family would be like and finding out it was ectopic just killed something inside! people say i can try again etc. but who is to say that this time the baby will grow in my womb and not in my tubes or ovaries or wherever it was this time around etc.
other than that it was an OK day till some berk starts causing problems with her "thats not what he said" or "he was seeing me at the weekend" etc. etc. etc. i am board of hearing it and board of you knowing that you can control my mind by not even seeing me ...!!
I am now chilling out, has just had spaghetti and meatballs made for me for my late late dinner... whilst watching a film called Stick It, that my other half bought me in BlockBusters! :)

Wednesday, March 3

The Trouble Is..

... I Just Cant Bloody Sleeps!

I thought i was doing ok when i fell asleep pretty quick last night around 12am.. until i kept waking in the night and drinking exessivly.. normally i dont bother with drinking especially at night, but for some reason all i keep doing is drinking drinking and drinking! lol
i dunno what it is thats doing this, i feel like i have heartburn alot...?

Not sure if it is the drug i have in my system from the termination i had to recieve.. well start on the 26th of feb i dunno!

Tuesday, March 2

Today I Am Loving...

Boyzone - When All Is Said And Done album!

Bought on a few weeks ago for just £2.99!!!
..i love this album i did have it on cassette but now i own it on CD woopwoop

Here are the songs on the album on youtube:

Oh Carol is not on YouTube (yet .. if i have my way it will be on....)

Sorry that some of these are live versions, or crappy quality but i couldnt find anything decent!

Monday, March 1

1st March

what to say about today....?
had a bad nights sleep... and got up early-ish to go to the hospital for my blood test to see if my hormones are decreasing yet, got my second one thursday and then shall decide if i need the second injection....
and spent the day with the other half in Chichester wondering around bit going in and out of shops

even went to see my mummy at work today =) which was fun!

hasnt been all that bad today, even if i did sit in mcdonalds and i felt sad and i still feel it now writing this, but i should realise and know that i did the right thing, but i still feel and wish that my baby was IN my WOMB and nowhere else and i would be happy and able to say YAY I PREGNANT........... but no!! :(
its hard and i keep upsetting myself half the time, but i just wish that i had my own baby my own chance to do something good and be a mom like everyone else i know!