Unfortunately things haven't started to improve for me yet and it is starting to get more stressful and frustrating. Although it's not on purpose it is an accident but it doesn't stop me feeling the way I do and it's not fair on my family more than anything because I am just constantly letting people down left, right and center.
The issue I am having is I have always had problems with sleeping so it is hard to work out what is going wrong or why etc.
Earlier on I realized that I have started clock watching, on the door to my kitchen there was hooks up that was left by the woman who lived here before me and I was gifted a Nightmare Before Christmas clock for Christmas that I automatically put on the door so I could see it. But, since the changes with my medication I have been looking at the clock more trying to work out how much sleep I should get and what time would be a reasonable time to get up etc. That in turn has messed my anxiety up and I am stressing about sleeping and waking up at a reasonable time and its frustrating as well. So today I decided to move the clock to a different part of the room and replaced it with a canvas that my mum brought me for my birthday with a picture of me and my 3 nephews.
Hopefully now with seeing my nephews instead of my clock I should be able to stop stressing worrying and getting frustrated with myself when I cannot sleep.
I do need to sort out getting in to see my doctor before Christmas so I can start sorting this mess out. I also need to speak to the lady that I see now called Michelle, she was meant to ring me Wednesday but she didn't and I was meant to ring her back but with the issues I am having it accidentally slipped my mind and I was more pissed off with myself.
Apart of me is now wondering IF the Mirtazapine that I was originally taking was working not fully to the point it helped with my moods and I was still not sleeping properly. But at least with them as well I was eventually able to switch off but now I cannot do that.
The test is tonight to see if having the clock moved and having the canvas up helps change the way I get some sleep but I am still wondering if it's the changes in the medication that is still messing with my body. But trying to talk to someone about it is starting to drive me insane because no one seems to understand or want to listen or help.
On top of the medication issues I am still struggling with my feelings and everything and it doesn't help that it is almost Christmas. I struggle with it every year and this year I am more stressed and worried about it than I usually am. This year things are going to be different as I will not be seeing my sister on Christmas Day which is fine I totally understand what she is saying because every year since we've been going round there she's stressed because she has her mother in law for lunch and she has to cook and clean for then and when she goes she's gotta tidy up more so that my mum and I can go round for tea and she gets stressed and so this year she decided they wanted to do christmas just the 5 of them which is cool as it means she's not under too much pressure and she can enjoy it more with the kids.
We've got like almost 2 weeks left and all I have brought for is my nephews and my new goddaughter. I have so much left to do and sort out in time and it's really getting to me.
I am also still struggling with the death of my Granddad. It be 2 years in around 3 weeks time that he passed away and I still haven't accepted it. I went to see him in the funeral home and it was scary as it was something I had never done before. Then the funeral was hard and I even gave a little eulogy sharing some of the memories that he has shared with me over the years. Also, I had a tattoo done in his memory and I have a picture of him up on the shelf and I still haven't gone to his grave. I haven't done it because I don't want it to feel or be real but I think I am going to have to accept it sooner rather than later because this isn't going to get any easier and I think its time I did something about it. I am terrified of how I am going to feel and how I will react. I also don't want to come out of my bubble I don't think I am ready to accept this but I think it might be time that I did that, it may help me in the long run I don't know but apart of me feels like I cant carry on pretending everything is "ok".
I have so much I need to confront and sort out but it is finding the "right time" if there ever is a right time. Especially since there is 24 days left of 2019 and I am going to enter 2020 the same way I have every year. I think I need to actually make a new year resolution this year and try and stick to it because I think it is going to have to be that I find myself and make myself better or try too. I cannot continue like this. I am 32 years old now I am still terrified of the thought of having a baby because of what I went through. I want a family I want so much for myself and I am not going to get it like this. I hate the way my life has panned out. I honestly thought that I would have a family and a nice home and a good job etc. but instead I live in a building with 27 other flats full of people I do not know or speak too.
This is one of the worst things I do to myself and thats compare my life to everyone elses and I need to stop because it's not helping me move on or make myself better. I guess I just want what everyone else has..?
Showing posts with label Insomnia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Insomnia. Show all posts
Saturday, December 7
Friday, November 1
Another Check Up Done And Dusted...
Today 1st November I had another check up with my doctors to see how I am getting on without the Venlafaxine and see how I am getting on with just taking my Quetiapine.
I got stressed as again the buses were up the shoot again like they were when I last went to the doctors 2 weeks ago for my last check up. Luckily my friend was at home as I asked if she could come get me because although I had left a little earlier this time I was still waiting almost 30mins for a bus!
When I got there there was a few people waiting and more people came along and asked if they had missed the bus to which someone else replied saying that they don't know whats going on as the bus hasn't turned up! It eventually turned up when I got picked up, but it was the bus that goes the long way around which meant that I would be late for my appointment.
As it happened I managed to get there on time but if it wasn't for her I wouldn't have got there.
My doctor called me in and I explained that since I had seen her I have gone out a bit more and that my feelings had come back. Not Monday gone (28th October) the one before which would've been the 21st October I managed to go to my sisters and saw her and the boys and told her what had happened and why I was struggling etc. and eventually we were laughing and joking and I knew that I was starting to feel myself. But it has only been within the last week that I have been crying again but I am glad because it means that all my feelings are coming back which I was thankful for.
She mentioned that she is still reluctant to put me back on the Mirtazapine which is fine, but she did want me to come off the Quetiapine or at least reduce it down. I said not at the moment because I still need something to help as although I am still struggling with sleeping I don't think I will be ready to come off it. So we agreed that I'd give it a couple of months at least with just taking the Quetiapine and taking the Promethazine less or not at all which is what I pretty much do any way.. She went to give me some more information on Insomnia but I think she gave me it recently so I told her to not worry about printing it, plus I could look it up myself if I need to.
Only other thing she has suggested is doing a little more exercise even if I just go for a walk around the block and to eat a little healthier. I did admit that I brought myself some strawberries plums and grapes but I should really add some more vegetables as well. Only time I've really been eating it recently is eating vegetable soup which I really enjoy..
I got told that I need to change my surroundings but issue is I live in a studio flat I don't have my bedroom separate but she suggested maybe adding a curtain to try and separate it which may or may not work but I do not really have any room for a proper chair although I am considering seeing if I could find somewhere else to sit instead of on my bed all the time.
Oh and I need to stop the stimulations as well which means no telly on whilst I am trying to sleep - that in itself is gonna be hard as it is my routine. Not that I actually watch it lol but I did mention that years ago I had a whale and dolphin CD that plays the sounds of the sea and clicks from the dolphins as well as relaxing music in the background. So I need to find that and try that again and see if that will help. Meditation she suggested as well which I am going to look into. I said I use wax melts a lot during day and often in evening so concentrating on the smells is a distraction. I am fed up with the insomnia but half the time I cannot help it but I am more with it and alert more at night than I am during day it's weird..
I got stressed as again the buses were up the shoot again like they were when I last went to the doctors 2 weeks ago for my last check up. Luckily my friend was at home as I asked if she could come get me because although I had left a little earlier this time I was still waiting almost 30mins for a bus!
When I got there there was a few people waiting and more people came along and asked if they had missed the bus to which someone else replied saying that they don't know whats going on as the bus hasn't turned up! It eventually turned up when I got picked up, but it was the bus that goes the long way around which meant that I would be late for my appointment.
As it happened I managed to get there on time but if it wasn't for her I wouldn't have got there.
My doctor called me in and I explained that since I had seen her I have gone out a bit more and that my feelings had come back. Not Monday gone (28th October) the one before which would've been the 21st October I managed to go to my sisters and saw her and the boys and told her what had happened and why I was struggling etc. and eventually we were laughing and joking and I knew that I was starting to feel myself. But it has only been within the last week that I have been crying again but I am glad because it means that all my feelings are coming back which I was thankful for.
She mentioned that she is still reluctant to put me back on the Mirtazapine which is fine, but she did want me to come off the Quetiapine or at least reduce it down. I said not at the moment because I still need something to help as although I am still struggling with sleeping I don't think I will be ready to come off it. So we agreed that I'd give it a couple of months at least with just taking the Quetiapine and taking the Promethazine less or not at all which is what I pretty much do any way.. She went to give me some more information on Insomnia but I think she gave me it recently so I told her to not worry about printing it, plus I could look it up myself if I need to.
Only other thing she has suggested is doing a little more exercise even if I just go for a walk around the block and to eat a little healthier. I did admit that I brought myself some strawberries plums and grapes but I should really add some more vegetables as well. Only time I've really been eating it recently is eating vegetable soup which I really enjoy..
I got told that I need to change my surroundings but issue is I live in a studio flat I don't have my bedroom separate but she suggested maybe adding a curtain to try and separate it which may or may not work but I do not really have any room for a proper chair although I am considering seeing if I could find somewhere else to sit instead of on my bed all the time.
Oh and I need to stop the stimulations as well which means no telly on whilst I am trying to sleep - that in itself is gonna be hard as it is my routine. Not that I actually watch it lol but I did mention that years ago I had a whale and dolphin CD that plays the sounds of the sea and clicks from the dolphins as well as relaxing music in the background. So I need to find that and try that again and see if that will help. Meditation she suggested as well which I am going to look into. I said I use wax melts a lot during day and often in evening so concentrating on the smells is a distraction. I am fed up with the insomnia but half the time I cannot help it but I am more with it and alert more at night than I am during day it's weird..
Wednesday, November 14
What A Week It's Been...
Been having a bit of a hard time at the moment as I have barely been sleeping. It started Tuesday night (7th November) I had a bit of a late night because I was worried about getting up and ready to go to my last appointment with a lady called Suzanne at 11am. So I didn't sleep much then and even though I take my medication around 9pm I was still awake early hours in the morning. I had my inspection the following day on the 8th and had to be up early then too. But again I had trouble sleeping so I had a few hours sleep and then spent the day distracting myself and stopping myself from sleeping.
9pm came I took my meds and I found I was awake till gone 4am Friday 9th morning, and it went on for days. I was eventually falling asleep, but when I did I kept waking up constantly so I ended up having barely any sleep.
It's just been awful. Insomnia is a bitch and I hate it. I wish I could sleep like normal people, but then I remember 'there is no such thing as normal'
My sleeping has got a little better I have managed to fall asleep and sleep, but I keep waking up feeling like I haven't slept again and just generally feeling drained all the time. I am also struggling to concentrate on anything and enjoy doing anything :( it's really frustrating!
I feel like I have no one to talk to about this and feel like a burden on people especially asking if people are around to either go with me or pick me up and take me round there, granted it isn't far, but I still find it difficult to walk out my front door. I have been making some progress with seeing the ladies I have been seeing but some days I do have my set backs and I can't change that, I wish I could but sometimes it just all feels like it is getting too much for me.
9pm came I took my meds and I found I was awake till gone 4am Friday 9th morning, and it went on for days. I was eventually falling asleep, but when I did I kept waking up constantly so I ended up having barely any sleep.
It's just been awful. Insomnia is a bitch and I hate it. I wish I could sleep like normal people, but then I remember 'there is no such thing as normal'
My sleeping has got a little better I have managed to fall asleep and sleep, but I keep waking up feeling like I haven't slept again and just generally feeling drained all the time. I am also struggling to concentrate on anything and enjoy doing anything :( it's really frustrating!
I feel like I have no one to talk to about this and feel like a burden on people especially asking if people are around to either go with me or pick me up and take me round there, granted it isn't far, but I still find it difficult to walk out my front door. I have been making some progress with seeing the ladies I have been seeing but some days I do have my set backs and I can't change that, I wish I could but sometimes it just all feels like it is getting too much for me.
Thursday, July 19
Insomnia Sucks...
For a while I have been having problems sleeping, but it seems to have got worse recently! I can't sleep at night, I am often awake till 2am sometimes later.
What's more confusing is that I was prescribed Promethazine by a Doctor at my local Mental Health Center to take as and when I need them, but I was also told by one of the ladies I am seeing that I shouldn't keep taking any medication and I should just do the "Sleep Hygiene" we talked about in sessions.
So I am constantly arguing with myself at night with trying not too take my tablets and trying this "Sleep Hygiene" but it's not working! This heat isn't helping, even with my windows open at night and using a fan but I try not to keep it on because I don't wanna use up too much electricity..
My evening routine is this:
9pm I take my medication (Mirtazpine & Quetiapine)
10pm I start getting ready for bed
11pm (sometimes earlier) I put Family Guy on ITV2 it varies what time it's on! I have that on for an hour and turn over to ITV2+1!
But recently, my telly doesn't seem to want to allow ITV2+1 so I have to watch what I watch then put my Playstation on so I can watch Family Guy & American Dad on Fox.. Sometimes I have to change it and find a movie to put on instead because the internet crashes or the live streaming isn't working!
Think the issues with my routine being messed up with ITV2+1 doesn't really help much, but I can't change that. I don't want to have Sky, plus where I am in a flat I cannot have Sky so I chose to get my PS3 and use the Sky App on my Dads account.
I am doing the best that I can with all this and all my issues and the heat, but it is knocking me back a little! Especially since if I am awake till 3am or later and when I finally fall asleep it's interupted sleep and I wake up at 1pm or 2pm and this isn't good!
What's more confusing is that I was prescribed Promethazine by a Doctor at my local Mental Health Center to take as and when I need them, but I was also told by one of the ladies I am seeing that I shouldn't keep taking any medication and I should just do the "Sleep Hygiene" we talked about in sessions.
So I am constantly arguing with myself at night with trying not too take my tablets and trying this "Sleep Hygiene" but it's not working! This heat isn't helping, even with my windows open at night and using a fan but I try not to keep it on because I don't wanna use up too much electricity..
My evening routine is this:
9pm I take my medication (Mirtazpine & Quetiapine)
10pm I start getting ready for bed
11pm (sometimes earlier) I put Family Guy on ITV2 it varies what time it's on! I have that on for an hour and turn over to ITV2+1!
But recently, my telly doesn't seem to want to allow ITV2+1 so I have to watch what I watch then put my Playstation on so I can watch Family Guy & American Dad on Fox.. Sometimes I have to change it and find a movie to put on instead because the internet crashes or the live streaming isn't working!
Think the issues with my routine being messed up with ITV2+1 doesn't really help much, but I can't change that. I don't want to have Sky, plus where I am in a flat I cannot have Sky so I chose to get my PS3 and use the Sky App on my Dads account.
I am doing the best that I can with all this and all my issues and the heat, but it is knocking me back a little! Especially since if I am awake till 3am or later and when I finally fall asleep it's interupted sleep and I wake up at 1pm or 2pm and this isn't good!
Thursday, October 28
Ohh No... Not AGAIN!!!!
Ok i done something else pretty stupid today - another thing i have managed to upset myself a little bit with - and worry myself with!!
For the last few months i have been feeling pretty crap, as i have hardly had much sleep and i keep having hot and cold flushes during the day sometimes and i have them at night quite a bit..
So me being me, does a Google search with " night sweats " and what comes up.......??
MENOPAUSE...!!!!
I was like omg.. nooooo!!! and i couldnt work it out to be honest.. i mentioned it some one else and said it could be down to my Ectopic Pregnancy operation i had... but i never heard of that happening before..??
So, i just either going to have to put it down to stress.. or go to a doctor about that also.. but they already gave me a leaflet on Insomnia.. so god knows what is happening to my body... lol but something needs to be done!
Because other week i said i had tiredness, headaches and something else.. and then the first thing that came up this time was....
Leukemia..
Of course this upset me.. but i keep forgetting that all the symptoms i have or had experienced are all linked to many other Illnesses but i didnt actually think properly to start off..
This is why i have to be careful with what i do or say because i am bit dopey and i am always believing everything i see written without thinking or paying a great deal of attention!!
Ooops....!!!
For the last few months i have been feeling pretty crap, as i have hardly had much sleep and i keep having hot and cold flushes during the day sometimes and i have them at night quite a bit..
So me being me, does a Google search with " night sweats " and what comes up.......??
MENOPAUSE...!!!!
I was like omg.. nooooo!!! and i couldnt work it out to be honest.. i mentioned it some one else and said it could be down to my Ectopic Pregnancy operation i had... but i never heard of that happening before..??
So, i just either going to have to put it down to stress.. or go to a doctor about that also.. but they already gave me a leaflet on Insomnia.. so god knows what is happening to my body... lol but something needs to be done!
Because other week i said i had tiredness, headaches and something else.. and then the first thing that came up this time was....
Leukemia..
Of course this upset me.. but i keep forgetting that all the symptoms i have or had experienced are all linked to many other Illnesses but i didnt actually think properly to start off..
This is why i have to be careful with what i do or say because i am bit dopey and i am always believing everything i see written without thinking or paying a great deal of attention!!
Ooops....!!!
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