Its Been 2 Weeks..

Since my operation and suprisingly i am OK - which is strange when i have seen loads of people on various Ectopic Pregnancy groups on facebook...

But all i can say about that is i guess i had no choice in the matter, i was told if i didnt have the methotrexate injection then it would end in complications but due to the endless amounts of calls from some idiot i ignored the hospital & doctors whom was trying to ring me to have my blood test done to work out if i need the second injection - which is then what lead me up into my tube rupturing and having to have that removed along with the 12w fetus growing there..

I guess i kinda feel angry, as it could had been avoided - but in some ways i am relieved incase it had happened again and it was in the left again - but i would had never known that my tube was damaged (to which i still am not aware what from) i just feel kind of mixed up - maybe the reason why i have been "ok" is because i am putting a front on so people cant see what i am really going through,  because i sure as hell know no one on my facebook is really interested in whats going on or whats happened... including some of my family!

But now, after keeping this page for the last 4/5 months i am now in threat to remove it because some idiot knows what i wrote about her - but thing is, everything i have said is true! and now im being told that she is going to do the same to me "to see how i like it" - thing is i aint really done anything wrong to her, all she knows is the stuff that Tim has told her over the last 2 years - so all she is going to do is gain attention for something that really isnt true - so if you are reading this:

*then good luck to you, i dont much care! because i know what i really am and what i have done, and well good luck to you because at end of the day all you have is very little truth and very little on the facts! *

I just dont understand how some person can be adamant to ruin someones life, if i had left then what would happen - nothing, either that or got her own way to shut her up as goes on and on despite having pretty much told for the last 3 months she is not longer wanted....!!!

anyway enough of the little mental person - i am not going to let IT ruin my life anymore, she has done enough damage the last 2 years!

.... I really need to focus on me, or at least my family as we are still being ripped to shreads..

why does something that seems to be OK for so many years end up with everything shattered...?

its hardly fair anymore

oh my god... what ever next..

When will this shit end..!?

grr seriously this girl is mental.. threatening me first to have me beaten up and then to have me taken away by pyshchiatrists & men in white coats.. and now the police.. what ever next...?
..i dont get it.. i mean it ok her telling us she fed up being treated like shit or told kill herself but in fact it is the other way around..

i am being threatened with:

- pyschiatrists and the men in white coats to take me away

- be beaten up by various people

- and now being in trouble with the police...

...is she having a laugh?

she is a mental case.. rings up constantly .. texts all the time, claims she is pregnant, claims she has having abortions and miscarriages etc. 

she is telling me that i am to blame for everything that is going wrong in her life - yet she is the one causing all the problems!

i was awake till very late last night in a state for what she has been saying and doing to me, and now i have to change my mobile number to get rid of the sad individual.. and i believe me other half now has to do the same!

Its ok her telling me how much of a nut job i am for what i have done, and the violence streaks i have that dont come out all the time

but she wasnt so quick to start a fight herself when she was here a few months ago because she didnt like it she was told to leave and didnt like it she was told she was not wanted but insisted she HAD to stay because she was covered in bruises - but she had no markings on her at all my other half did! 

i swear she sets the police on me, then fine! i can get her into far more shit.. plus she is supposed to work with kids in a nursery in chichester....!? seriously if she acts like this all the time then aint them kids in danger themselves!?

I have never ever come into this sort of trouble ever in my life! 

this girl has ruined her own life for being such a dickhead and ruining friendships and relationships! 

she has been hanging around in the darkness for almost 2 years now, and she still doesnt get that it aint her he wants it is me but she insists otherwise claiming she has all this evidence but never proves anything!

Why is it me who is being targetted for this nonsense... i have not done a thing wrong to her - everything i have said about her and the way she acts and what is going on she is jealous.. but no she wont admit it she says all the time

"why would i be jealous of a retard like you"

and then why call me a retard!? how am i a retard..?

...aint that offensive to people who do have proper problems etc...!?

I have Borderline Personality Disorder..

and the thing that she does and say and everything make me change within seconds! i am frantically typing at my laptop writing this because i am so darn angry at her and for what she is doing and causing!

I just hope that when tim and i do get married she realise she has lost and fuck off and ruin someone elses life! 

I do not want to live the next 10, 20 years with some idiot like her who wont let go because she has no one else to fall back on, no one else wants her because of the way she is!

...garentee i get told that all this is me none of it her etc. - thing is i have all the recordings on the phones from what she says about me to me one answer machines! 

maybe i should post a cd of her screams and shouts down the phone, stupid threats and send them to her work

People say i am a psycho.. but no one actually knows what i and my other half have to deal with!

Maybe its her who needs be sectioned, taken away or whatever ... she is the one who threatens to kill herself because she cant get what she wants!

oh but then again, she does in the end, and that is stupid attention!!!

i am so angry its un true! thanks to her i now do not feel safe anywhere, she says she knows where my mum lives, she knows where my other half lives... no one or nothing is safe anymore!!
 

if anyone has any suggestions, help or ideas then please get in touch!

I cant cope with any of this anymore, and i seriously do not have a clue on what to do anymore! its beyond a joke!

Cut Me Some Slack..

Today i am very tired.. i didnt sleep well after going to bed around 3am i did not sleep very well i couldnt get what happened before hand with this girl upsetting me and causing me problems..
It was dreadful everyone tells me i am strong after what i been through so i shouldnt let her ruin me, but it is hard when stuff like that has been said and sent to my phone that i now have to change my mobile number just to stop the hurt and abuse coming through to me first!
Trouble is, she threats me all the time, been threatening with some person to beat me to pulp twice in space of few hours that never even happened.. and threatening to come over again today! and what makes it worse is she lies to get the attention and then my other half texts her to find out what she playing at etc. but as he says, she does it to wind me up and upset me and play mind games with me.. but if that is the case, then why does he continue to allow the idiot to threaten us and text her because she says she is coming over when she really isnt!?

i wish i had the answers and i really wish none of this ever happened.. but unfortantly the little girl gets off on the attention and rows that have been going on with her for the last few months, possibily the last year.
All she goes on about is being pregnant.. but for a pregnant person she sure dont act like it.. threatening, causing rows, upset - not just towards us but it involves her too but no, instead of leaving us alone she continues to cause problems!
some people are stupid, strange, cruel, manipulative and heartles...!!
...no wonder this girl has no friends really.. and is about to loose her job - talk about nut job....

Why Are People Cruel & Heartless....?

Today..

I am being blamed for ruining someones life, when i have done nothing to this person in question.

For months and months and months she has been told where to go and to leave me alone etc. but she ignores mine and tims requests and turning it around to say that he doesnt want me and he wants her etc. and thats how it goes..

Tonight i have been told that i will have killed two babies...

but i genuinly cannot see how i have done this, i am the one who has been recieving messages saying stuff like:

"im going to abort my baby just to keep you happy"

"i am taking all my tablets just to make you happy"

..she keeps threatening me with killing her self etc, and blaming it all on me, i do not understand why...

It aint my fault that tim doesnt want her,

but because she knows of my BPD(borderline personality disorder) & Anxiety & Depression.. she now knows about the baby i have just lost.. etc.

she knows that she can get to me because of the way i am!

she has sent me a picture tonight of what is meant to be her baby ... telling me that it was that that i would be killing!

i am distraught and very mixed up and confused, how can someone put that amount of pressure on someone..

i myself do not know if i am coming or going as it is let alone having some mental case telling me i am killing her baby

i've also recieved endless amounts of threats to be beaten to a pulp... and everything

=(

i am genuinely feeling fed up...

fed up with being threatened to be beaten to a pulp

fed up being the reason why someone is aborting their baby

fed up with being the reason why she has to cause problems

i aint exactly done anything to her, it aint my fault that tim dont want her... is it!?

i am so confused.. distraught.. scared.. mixed up...

Today i loose my mind..

I just had my first break down in a long while..

I feel so angry, tense and i just wanna rip my skin off my body.. i just feel so alone today and fed up and i just dont know what to do to make anything better anymore
I have just got really angry and scared myself and spent the best part of the last hour or so crying, i hate having this bpd its no fun anymore.. i hate it but i am scared to sort it out because i hate change!

I feel as though everyone forgets about me, i am invisible to the world and no one likes me anymore!

I cant help who i am...

never thought i would see the day..

..... that i would have to make an awful decision!!!

On the 12th feburay i found i was pregnant.. but i had a bleed.. so i panicked and was told on the phone by doctor to get in touch with A&E and get down there asap.. so as i couldnt get up there i had to call for an ambulence as i wasnt in the right frame of mind in the end.. i was then told that despite the bleed and still having some pregnancy symptoms it was a good sign... so off home i go knowing i AM pregnant...

come the 15th i had my scan booked, excited and nervous to be having it and heartbroken to learn there is nothing in my uterous.. put it down to a possible miscarriage and sent me off for blood tests, wasnt high enough hormones so more blood tests i have, still not high enough so have another one, still not high enough, have my scan 23rd feb, still nothing on the screen possible ectopic with the baby growing in my ovary.. more blood tests.. chance of having a normal pregnancy due to the hormones rocketing, more blood tests hormones rising slowly... scan again 26th feb.. still nothing on scan, so now its confirmed ectopic... 

i was then told that i had two choices .. both of which werent good but i had to choose one....

Injection to kill/stop the cells growing or an operations to remove the cells and be in hospital for 2 days with chances and risks of complications...

so i chose the Injection, i had to terminate the pregnancy, i had no choice.. it was that or death and either way the baby wouldnt grow/survive and i would then be putting myself at risk so i had to do the "right" thing.....

Personally.... the "Termination" hasnt sunk in yet, well not properly.. i keep getting upset now and again in little spurts.. but thats how i am in some respects normally with my BPD.. but yesterday was really hard, and personally i dont know where and how i got the courage to get through all that i have these last 2 weeks.. 

apart of it feels like i have done all this for nothing, and apart of me is a tiny bit glad i got the chance to be pregnant... (due to being sure i was infertile)

So, now, i am in some ways i have my own special little angel ...

despite what others may think or feel about that.. but i was 8weeks and it was a very tiny baby that was in my belly :(

Now, this leaves me with:

more blood tests Monday & Thursday to make sure the hormone levels are decreasing... if not i have another injection next Friday :(

and this now leaves me.. with no pregnancy and no baby :(

Dear Ohh Dear Ohh Dear...

Things are still on the downer for me at the moment,
after realising alot of stuff (posted in blogs before) i had put myself in an awkward place and position! and again i find myself trying to undo it sometimes..
I am not self harming, good thing? (who knows) - however i have become and gained some what violent thoughts and feelings about myself more than others! i mean, yeah, i wanna hit someone/something but its struggling to keep it under covers and keeping it together - thats the hard and worst thing! *sigh*

...really i need to get back to the doctors and tell them, but they will give me more tablets and again i will take them for a couple of weeks and stop again as for some reason i get frustrated with them in knowing that it will take some time to work but i dont want to wait forever! and i think thats why i keep giving up again! *sniff*

I have some interview thing with the Job Centre for my Benefits on Thursday, i think i might just get up bit earlier and ring the doctors and make appointments to see someone, i have Kevin on the 5th Feb now, as i cancelled on the 12th Jan due to having a coldy thing!!
I really need to get my act together, need to sort myself out. but it is very hard when i have no one to reach out to for help (other than my mum, but she is a working lady at the mo)

Fingers crossed for me to actually sort myself out again this time eh!?