Today marks 2 years since my grandfather passed away, and today I just feel so numb.
I am feeling different to the way I did last year and the day when he passed away it is weird and just hard to explain.
Yesterday was my Aunt's birthday and that was the day (28.12.17) that I got the call telling me that Grandad is very poorly and they were sure that he was going to go. When I got there he was asleep and he had woke up and was laughing with us joking and farting away like he always does. But after a while he changed and he just went back to sleep again.
I think about that day often, when I got there my Nan, Great Aunt Lilian (Grandads sister) my Aunt and her hubby was there with 3 of my cousins and their boyfriend & girlfriend, my other aunt and cousin and just remember the conversation he had before he just slept. He told us that he had a dream and that he went to heaven and that we were all there with him. My uncle told him jokingly that he was being silly to which my grandad turned around and said "Fuck the lot of you then. I wont take you to Heaven with me" when everyone went home I just wanted to sit with my grandad a little longer and so I did. I just sat there and held his hand looking at him and I didn't say anything.. I just didn't want to leave him but my friend was on her way to pick me up and so I let one of the nurses know I was leaving. He passed away early hours 29.12.17. We think he passed away the moment my dad flew back into the UK as he was in Sweden on holiday. I didn't know anything about it until my mum rang me. My aunt and uncle knew that I wanted to be told if anything happened but my dad decided that he wanted to tell us himself in the morning. I rang him and said whats going on and he went "oh yeah theres something I need to tell you Grandad has gone!" I was so angry because I was meant to be told as soon as there was any changes. Only reason I found out through my mum was because he rang his brother who has had nothing to do with Grandad for years first. Who in turn told Grandads brother and his wife that he had passed away and she took it upon herself to message my mum :(
I remember it all and I remember when I went to see my Grandad in the funeral home on what would've been his 79th birthday just over a week later. I talked to a couple of people about going and they was worried about me doing it because of the state I was in with my mental health already and they was worried it would affect any of my memories and despite what I saw I have to admit that it never tainted of my memories. It gave me a new one, but not ruined any of the other ones I have growing up..
If I could change one thing, well some things I would go back and change that I didn't just sit in silence and that I talked to him more once everyone had left and I wish that I could change it so that he never got poorly and he was still here...
Showing posts with label Grandparent. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Grandparent. Show all posts
Sunday, December 29
Monday, July 9
R.I.P Grandad 09.01.39 to 29.12.17
I have been wanting to post this for a while but been finding the right words to put or say. I wasn't allowed to put any of this on Facebook because it was private which is understandable and I did let a few people that I am close too on Facebook in messenger. All I did was change my profile picture to a picture of me and Grandad when I was a baby.
My whole life fell apart when my Grandad had passed away, it was so weird because I got the call to say that he was in hospital and I needed to get there asap and so I did but I was so scared as didn't know what to expect as have been here a few times with Grandad not doing so well in hospital.
I got there and he was sleeping and everyone was there, Grandads Sister, my Nan, my Auntie & Uncle and 3 Cousins, 2 of them had their girlfriend there and the other had their fiancee with her and then my other Aunt & Cousin was there as well so it was a room full. My dad and his wife were on their way back from Sweden that evening and my brother and sister were unable to get up to the hospital to see him.
Doctors were in and out all day and it was strange because Grandad had woke up, he was talking telling us about his dream he just had about him dying and we were all there with him, he had a laugh and a joke and even does what he does best, farting away! That was until he asked to use a commode to go to the toilet and that's when he changed, he just slept everyone other than my Nan, me one of my cousins and Grandad's sister left to get some fresh air and sort some bits out. Grandad's Sister tried talking to him but he was mumbling and couldn't understand him but I could just work out what he was saying.
It came to about 6pm that evening and everyone went home, but I wanted to stay a little while longer and my friend said she would come and get me when I am ready. So we sat in silence, I sat next to him holding his hand and stroking it and looking at him and now looking back I wish I said more to him whilst he was sleeping. As I was leaving I let one of his nurses know that I was leaving and everyone else had gone, and I watched him close his blinds and then he shut the door and walked off.
Next morning was a massive shock as I woke up that morning with my mum calling me saying Grandad had died, I was like what no one has said anything to me and with that I got off the phone to my mum and rung my dad and he then told me on the phone that morning that he had died and that was it my heart broke into millions of pieces and I broke down.. After he got off the phone with me he rung my sister and my brother and they were calling and texting me to see how I was because I have always been close with my grandparents and saw them when I could. I was not happy because everyone else knew before me as my dad didn't want to ring me when it happened even though my Aunt & Uncle knew to ring me! Wish I had known at the time not through my mum because another family member was told before me.
On Grandad's Birthday it was arranged for us to go and see Grandad in the Funeral Home. I wasn't sure about going all day I was debating with myself about whether I should go through this especially with my Mental Health the way it is, I wondered if it would taint my memories of Grandad seeing him etc. I just assumed it was me and my Dad but it wasn't till I got there that my Nan, Grandad's Sister, Dad, Auntie & Uncle And 1 of my Cousins would be there.
I managed to go through I was really scared, but we were all together we didn't go in 1 by 1 which was handy because we weren't alone. My Nan struggled and So did his Sister. I was scared to go near the coffin :( I just looked at him and he looked so peaceful which is something I have never seen in him before.. And I just stood there crying and we looked at the pictures that they printed off of us all that he had in his hand and in the other one they had a packet of XXX mints as he ate them constantly. He had his favourite cardigan on etc. They also added birthday cards, Christmas Cards that they never got to give him. I made a joke about using up all the tissues and I some how managed to do that and I was so embarrassed but it kinda helped the atmosphere a little..
All I could think of standing there was pushing him to wake him up :(
The weeks leading up to his funeral were difficult. I had asked to say something at the funeral as did one of my Cousins and my Auntie wanted to say something too.
I sat here and worked out all the right things to say or what I could say and tried to remember all the things that we talked about and things he never let me live down. So I sat here and typed up what I wanted to say and I had it printed. I didn't really read it properly I just wrote it and asked my friends dad to print it out for me.
We all met at Nan's before the funeral because of working out who was going in what car and who with. There was at least 4 cars that followed the Hearse to the Church. I was so nervous before the service and as soon as I saw the Hearse's reflection in one of the windows of the mobile homes I broke down :(
My brother offered to help old the coffin along with my Cousin's Fiance he offered to do it as well. So proud of my brother for being brave to say he would help.
I some how managed to read what I wanted to say. But when I showed them my writing they said that they didn't realise how much I had written, turned out I read my Eulogy out really fast so they couldn't quite understand me! But I did it I cried after I read it though!
Once the Church service was over we had to meet the Funeral Car out the front so they could take that to the Graveyard. As Nan lent over to touch the coffin a beautiful butterfly flew over as she did it and I have never forgot about that either.
We walked round to the graveyard where he was placed ready to be buried and we stood around and listened to the rest of the service and as it ended all our family members took some mud and threw it on the coffin.. I was so embarrassed as I wore my wedges as they was smarter than wearing my Lee Cooper canvas shoes and I almost fell in because my shoe got stuck! I was so scared at that second because I thought he would have either ended up with me or my shoe.. Shame the ground wasn't so soft but it had been raining a few days before hand.
After the funeral we went back to my Nan's where we had some food and celebrated his life! I had a few drinks and stayed outside for most of it as I wasn't sure about the space and I had been smoking with one of my Cousin's he offered me some fags after the service.
I will always love and miss you Grandad <3 p="">
My whole life fell apart when my Grandad had passed away, it was so weird because I got the call to say that he was in hospital and I needed to get there asap and so I did but I was so scared as didn't know what to expect as have been here a few times with Grandad not doing so well in hospital.
I got there and he was sleeping and everyone was there, Grandads Sister, my Nan, my Auntie & Uncle and 3 Cousins, 2 of them had their girlfriend there and the other had their fiancee with her and then my other Aunt & Cousin was there as well so it was a room full. My dad and his wife were on their way back from Sweden that evening and my brother and sister were unable to get up to the hospital to see him.
Doctors were in and out all day and it was strange because Grandad had woke up, he was talking telling us about his dream he just had about him dying and we were all there with him, he had a laugh and a joke and even does what he does best, farting away! That was until he asked to use a commode to go to the toilet and that's when he changed, he just slept everyone other than my Nan, me one of my cousins and Grandad's sister left to get some fresh air and sort some bits out. Grandad's Sister tried talking to him but he was mumbling and couldn't understand him but I could just work out what he was saying.
It came to about 6pm that evening and everyone went home, but I wanted to stay a little while longer and my friend said she would come and get me when I am ready. So we sat in silence, I sat next to him holding his hand and stroking it and looking at him and now looking back I wish I said more to him whilst he was sleeping. As I was leaving I let one of his nurses know that I was leaving and everyone else had gone, and I watched him close his blinds and then he shut the door and walked off.
Next morning was a massive shock as I woke up that morning with my mum calling me saying Grandad had died, I was like what no one has said anything to me and with that I got off the phone to my mum and rung my dad and he then told me on the phone that morning that he had died and that was it my heart broke into millions of pieces and I broke down.. After he got off the phone with me he rung my sister and my brother and they were calling and texting me to see how I was because I have always been close with my grandparents and saw them when I could. I was not happy because everyone else knew before me as my dad didn't want to ring me when it happened even though my Aunt & Uncle knew to ring me! Wish I had known at the time not through my mum because another family member was told before me.
On Grandad's Birthday it was arranged for us to go and see Grandad in the Funeral Home. I wasn't sure about going all day I was debating with myself about whether I should go through this especially with my Mental Health the way it is, I wondered if it would taint my memories of Grandad seeing him etc. I just assumed it was me and my Dad but it wasn't till I got there that my Nan, Grandad's Sister, Dad, Auntie & Uncle And 1 of my Cousins would be there.
I managed to go through I was really scared, but we were all together we didn't go in 1 by 1 which was handy because we weren't alone. My Nan struggled and So did his Sister. I was scared to go near the coffin :( I just looked at him and he looked so peaceful which is something I have never seen in him before.. And I just stood there crying and we looked at the pictures that they printed off of us all that he had in his hand and in the other one they had a packet of XXX mints as he ate them constantly. He had his favourite cardigan on etc. They also added birthday cards, Christmas Cards that they never got to give him. I made a joke about using up all the tissues and I some how managed to do that and I was so embarrassed but it kinda helped the atmosphere a little..
All I could think of standing there was pushing him to wake him up :(
The weeks leading up to his funeral were difficult. I had asked to say something at the funeral as did one of my Cousins and my Auntie wanted to say something too.
I sat here and worked out all the right things to say or what I could say and tried to remember all the things that we talked about and things he never let me live down. So I sat here and typed up what I wanted to say and I had it printed. I didn't really read it properly I just wrote it and asked my friends dad to print it out for me.
We all met at Nan's before the funeral because of working out who was going in what car and who with. There was at least 4 cars that followed the Hearse to the Church. I was so nervous before the service and as soon as I saw the Hearse's reflection in one of the windows of the mobile homes I broke down :(
My brother offered to help old the coffin along with my Cousin's Fiance he offered to do it as well. So proud of my brother for being brave to say he would help.
I some how managed to read what I wanted to say. But when I showed them my writing they said that they didn't realise how much I had written, turned out I read my Eulogy out really fast so they couldn't quite understand me! But I did it I cried after I read it though!
Once the Church service was over we had to meet the Funeral Car out the front so they could take that to the Graveyard. As Nan lent over to touch the coffin a beautiful butterfly flew over as she did it and I have never forgot about that either.
We walked round to the graveyard where he was placed ready to be buried and we stood around and listened to the rest of the service and as it ended all our family members took some mud and threw it on the coffin.. I was so embarrassed as I wore my wedges as they was smarter than wearing my Lee Cooper canvas shoes and I almost fell in because my shoe got stuck! I was so scared at that second because I thought he would have either ended up with me or my shoe.. Shame the ground wasn't so soft but it had been raining a few days before hand.
After the funeral we went back to my Nan's where we had some food and celebrated his life! I had a few drinks and stayed outside for most of it as I wasn't sure about the space and I had been smoking with one of my Cousin's he offered me some fags after the service.
I will always love and miss you Grandad <3 p="">
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