I'll Be Glad When Things Are Better...

Unfortunately things haven't started to improve for me yet and it is starting to get more stressful and frustrating. Although it's not on purpose it is an accident but it doesn't stop me feeling the way I do and it's not fair on my family more than anything because I am just constantly letting people down left, right and center.

The issue I am having is I have always had problems with sleeping so it is hard to work out what is going wrong or why etc.
Earlier on I realized that I have started clock watching, on the door to my kitchen there was hooks up that was left by the woman who lived here before me and I was gifted a Nightmare Before Christmas clock for Christmas that I automatically put on the door so I could see it. But, since the changes with my medication I have been looking at the clock more trying to work out how much sleep I should get and what time would be a reasonable time to get up etc. That in turn has messed my anxiety up and I am stressing about sleeping and waking up at a reasonable time and its frustrating as well. So today I decided to move the clock to a different part of the room and replaced it with a canvas that my mum brought me for my birthday with a picture of me and my 3 nephews.
Hopefully now with seeing my nephews instead of my clock I should be able to stop stressing worrying and getting frustrated with myself when I cannot sleep.

I do need to sort out getting in to see my doctor before Christmas so I can start sorting this mess out. I also need to speak to the lady that I see now called Michelle, she was meant to ring me Wednesday but she didn't and I was meant to ring her back but with the issues I am having it accidentally slipped my mind and I was more pissed off with myself.

Apart of me is now wondering IF the Mirtazapine that I was originally taking was working not fully to the point it helped with my moods and I was still not sleeping properly. But at least with them as well I was eventually able to switch off but now I cannot do that.
The test is tonight to see if having the clock moved and having the canvas up helps change the way I get some sleep but I am still wondering if it's the changes in the medication that is still messing with my body. But trying to talk to someone about it is starting to drive me insane because no one seems to understand or want to listen or help.

On top of the medication issues I am still struggling with my feelings and everything and it doesn't help that it is almost Christmas. I struggle with it every year and this year I am more stressed and worried about it than I usually am. This year things are going to be different as I will not be seeing my sister on Christmas Day which is fine I totally understand what she is saying because every year since we've been going round there she's stressed because she has her mother in law for lunch and she has to cook and clean for then and when she goes she's gotta tidy up more so that my mum and I can go round for tea and she gets stressed and so this year she decided they wanted to do christmas just the 5 of them which is cool as it means she's not under too much pressure and she can enjoy it more with the kids.
We've got like almost 2 weeks left and all I have brought for is my nephews and my new goddaughter. I have so much left to do and sort out in time and it's really getting to me.

I am also still struggling with the death of my Granddad. It be 2 years in around 3 weeks time that he passed away and I still haven't accepted it. I went to see him in the funeral home and it was scary as it was something I had never done before. Then the funeral was hard and I even gave a little eulogy sharing some of the memories that he has shared with me over the years. Also, I had a tattoo done in his memory and I have a picture of him up on the shelf and I still haven't gone to his grave. I haven't done it because I don't want it to feel or be real but I think I am going to have to accept it sooner rather than later because this isn't going to get any easier and I think its time I did something about it. I am terrified of how I am going to feel and how I will react. I also don't want to come out of my bubble I don't think I am ready to accept this but I think it might be time that I did that, it may help me in the long run I don't know but apart of me feels like I cant carry on pretending everything is "ok".

I have so much I need to confront and sort out but it is finding the "right time" if there ever is a right time. Especially since there is 24 days left of 2019 and I am going to enter 2020 the same way I have every year. I think I need to actually make a new year resolution this year and try and stick to it because I think it is going to have to be that I find myself and make myself better or try too. I cannot continue like this. I am 32 years old now I am still terrified of the thought of having a baby because of what I went through. I want a family I want so much for myself and I am not going to get it like this. I hate the way my life has panned out. I honestly thought that I would have a family and a nice home and a good job etc. but instead I live in a building with 27 other flats full of people I do not know or speak too.
This is one of the worst things I do to myself and thats compare my life to everyone elses and I need to stop because it's not helping me move on or make myself better. I guess I just want what everyone else has..?

Insomnia Sucks...

For a while I have been having problems sleeping, but it seems to have got worse recently! I can't sleep at night, I am often awake till 2am sometimes later.
What's more confusing is that I was prescribed Promethazine by a Doctor at my local Mental Health Center to take as and when I need them, but I was also told by one of the ladies I am seeing that I shouldn't keep taking any medication and I should just do the "Sleep Hygiene" we talked about in sessions.
So I am constantly arguing with myself at night with trying not too take my tablets and trying this "Sleep Hygiene" but it's not working! This heat isn't helping, even with my windows open at night and using a fan but I try not to keep it on because I don't wanna use up too much electricity..

My evening routine is this:
9pm I take my medication (Mirtazpine & Quetiapine)
10pm I start getting ready for bed
11pm (sometimes earlier) I put Family Guy on ITV2 it varies what time it's on! I have that on for an hour and turn over to ITV2+1!
But recently, my telly doesn't seem to want to allow ITV2+1 so I have to watch what I watch then put my Playstation on so I can watch Family Guy & American Dad on Fox.. Sometimes I have to change it and find a movie to put on instead because the internet crashes or the live streaming isn't working!

Think the issues with my routine being messed up with ITV2+1 doesn't really help much, but I can't change that. I don't want to have Sky, plus where I am in a flat I cannot have Sky so I chose to get my PS3 and use the Sky App on my Dads account.

I am doing the best that I can with all this and all my issues and the heat, but it is knocking me back a little! Especially since if I am awake till 3am or later and when I finally fall asleep it's interupted sleep and I wake up at 1pm or 2pm and this isn't good!

oh what a night..

after surviving on just 3 hours sleep, i am starting to cave..
i am so miserable, so down, stressed, frustrated, annoyed, alone, hurt, fed up everything.. i dont even really have an idea or a clue as to why i feel like this! - it really really sucks..
i felt ok-ish watching A Muppets Christmas Carol - i love the film, its just a shame that in films they make everything and everyone happy.. when it aint always the case in real life.. i guess i kind of wish that my life was a fairytale.. least i would always have a happy ending..right!?
..i dont know what is going to happen with Christmas this year, i mean i am 22, getting old, and christmas just aint what it used to be anymore, i see people all around me with their kids, or having kids, or just generally doing 'alright' for themselves, and there is me, the same idiotic person i always have been and nothing and no one will change that i bet.
a part of me really feels like i dont want this borderline personality disorder, i just cant always handle my emotions or handle the outcome or even know how to deal with them, for the simple reason i aint exactly got my head around everything, it aint sunk in nothing..
i found my friends baby scans and little wrist band things they wear.. and it broke my heart - not that i am jealous - well maybe a little .. but because i know i am never going to have the experience of having a child, i am pretty sure that i cannot have them, so i have not bothered in persuing it because it would only get me down more than i am already, and well people say that when they have a child that it changes them for better and often not, mind you i would be crap looking after someone else, i cant even look after myself half the time! :(
apart of me really wishes i could change all this, and apart of me wants everything to be better, but i am also scared because i will have to do it all on my own, and i aint really sure if i am strong enough to cope anymore. i cant even remember to bring in the milk on a monday/wedensday/friday from outside, i am scared to go out on my own.. and i dont even know why.. and there are numberous things going round and round in and out in and out i just cant deal with all the confusion, emotion and everything else running through my mind..
i picked up a card from the doctors surgery last week, for the Samaratains.. maybe i should get in touch with them and find someone to talk to!? i just feel today that i cannot cope.. and i really strongly feel i am unwanted too..
i just dont understand why tonight all i wanna do is hide away, curl up in a ball n die, and i guess i feel as though i am fading into the background!
..i guess i wish i had friends, someone to talk to, someone to keep me sane, someone to help me.. i even tried posting out a link to a group page i made up on facebook about my problems and to seek help in other people and for them to gain help from me etc. but most of the friends on my facebook list just declined the page without taking a look or having a second thought, even the people i knew and used to hang out with months ago do not bother with me anymore, and why...? i aint got a clue, one girl said she come over for the afternoon/evening and spend time with me catch up etc. and she said she was going to the shop, within half an hour she claimed she was ill and had to go back to bed.. and i have not spoke to her since.. and this was around a couple of months ago now!
...why am i such a threat or why cant people stand to be around me anymore?! really feel out of place and lonely no matter where i am or who i am with! :(

Sleeping Beauty...?

I am finally awake due to spending the full day in bed sleeping, i have eaten in between waking up and falling asleep drinking also, it is weird as to how i keep doing it.
one min i am awake wondering around slightly and then going back to bed and then i fall asleep i sit somewhere else and i feel my head dropping whilst sitting and then i fall asleep in a matter of moments.
pretty weird as i have never spent the day sleeping before, i believe.. it was sort of like i was ill but i wasnt so much ill more self inflicted!?
i am hoping to have a bacon sarnie soon, as i have eaten quite bit through out the course of my awakness and sleepyness...

3rd December

what a hetic couple of days man.. i have had about what, 8 hours sleep or so in the last 2 days its horrendous! i think i am going to spend the next few days with a pillow or two strapped around my head, for just incase i decide i want to go to sleep.
i guess it is my own  fault in some ways, i kinda stopped taking my anti depressants just to see what they do to me - and so far nothing, but i stopped taking the anxiety tablets also, so that hasnt helped as they were to help me sleep, but even though i was taking them too i did try to stay awake as long as possible because it is just so cold at night and no one likes to sleep alone do they!?
plus it was raining over here again last night, i am suprised that Bognor is still walkable suprised it aint a giant swimming pool like it is in Wales at the moment with all the rivers bursting its banks etc. i just dont understand where all this rain is coming from anymore, it is just madness complete madness..! dont really know why i am moaning for i actually love the rainy weather, but i dont know why but this time around i cant handle the coldness anymore its weird, normally it aint so bad but i guess it doesnt help with being around people who were born in a barn and leave the doors open so that the nice heat flows out the bloody doors lol.
i am still debating on what to do about the antidepressants, i am well was taking citalopram anti depressants along with some anxiety tablets but i stopped because i just seriously felt no change, people were telling me i be ok in certain amount of time, others said they take a long time to work, and in the end i just gave up i hate waiting in some ways so it was just frustrating me even more because nothing was changing and i guess i kinda wished that it would had started now, but then again i am still caught up with my assessment and how crappy it went that day, maybe i should had entered in there like a crazy person and come out again crazy person then people might actually want to help instead of telling me that there aint much wrong with me just trauma and then being told they give me help for anxiety etc. what morons!!!!!
about that, things aint changed there either, i mean, no one has been in touch yet to tell me whats going on, and what is making things worse is i HAVE to go to the jobcentre tomorrow for some meeting thing with them for the ESA benefit i am on, but i aint been  out in weeks again because i am worried to be out on my own and i have panick attacks and everything, but no one seems to take much notice of me and i guess that doesnt help neither, i wanna have a job again and i wanna work, yeah, but right now it aint a possibility when i keep having panick attacks before i leave, i have a panick attack when the front door goes, the phone rings i panick and when i am  on my own and walk past the front door i get nervous i guess i often see so much going round in my head about myself and sometimes of someone else that it has worried me a great deal i dont know, but again there aint much point in talking to a proffessional when they dont bloody listen and wont help me properly.
i dunno i guess most of the reason why i cant sleep at night is because i am worried of what tomorrow will bring me and if i am going to survive another day how am i going to do it etc. there is so much going round and round that i cant settle on one thing nothing sticks for long its crazy and i guess i am now too....?

2nd December

well it is 04:28 that i am now writing this post, i am awake as yet again i cannot sleep.. well admittedly i fell asleep when ever it was we went to sleep.. and then woke up had some peanut butter on toast and got a lot of goodies to eat such as
crisps and biscuits hehe..
i love shortbread and i love chocolate digestives so bought some more tonight **yay**

i aint sure why i cant sleep.. i decided to stop taking my tablets for a little while just to see what they do, i have been having problems sleeping for a while now, so no doubt the tabs wont change that.. but as i have mentioned before in various other posts, that i have been feeling pretty much the same since i started now over 2 months ago.
i am half way my 3rd course of anti depressants which means that i have been on them 10 weeks and nothing has changed.. i may just leave it for a couple of days and see what happens if there is still no change in my mood then the anti depressants i have been given havent worked for the last 10 weeks. which is stupid but my own fault i guess for not saying anything sooner.. although the consultant i saw DID get my dosage up'd to 40mg! i even took two anti depressants the other day because i couldnt remember if i took any, and if i had what would it do.. and it did nothing!!!
couple of weeks ago i tried to overdose on my anti depressants, i was on 20mg and i only had 10 left, which meant i had 200mg of anti depressants inside me and again it did nothing..!! so i dont think that citalopram is really for me actually.. but  as i said i see what happens i guess.

i may attempt to get some sleep again soon.. not sure when and i aint sure how long it will actually last this time, but in a way i am getting fed up with it, in others i aint .. but i am getting slightly frustrated with it in some ways as i kinda like to sleep i dunno why i do but i do lol and well i aint been doing it enough.

i hope i aint turning into an insomniac that be good amongst my depression/bpd or whatever is actually wrong with me but i wont find out until the mental health centre take their fingers out their arses and get in touch......