Somewhat Strange Day Today...

Today has been a somewhat strange day.. I had a medical for my benefits this morning and I hadn't been looking forward it, if anything I have been extremely nervous and worried about the situation. I think it was because I didn't actually know if the person coming out to me was male or female and I also had to do the whole meeting by myself as I couldn't get anyone to come to me and sit with me to support me. I did ask Michelle the lady I see in town but she couldn't come to me which was very disappointing as I couldn't ask anyone else to be here for me as my sister was in bed catching up from the night shift and my mum was at hers looking after her youngest before getting her up in time to pick the kids up from school. I clearly have no friends at the moment so I didn't bother talking to anyone about it or mentioning it.
But I'll get into that in a different post no doubt.

Anyway, I was tired last night so I decided to get into bed around midnight but I couldn't actually settle because I was getting stressed about today. I was so stressed and anxious that my heart literally felt like it was going to beat out of my chest and I started to have a panic attack. It was just awful. Luckily a few months ago my new doctor gave me some new tablets called Propranolol to take for the anxiety and panic attacks and it didn't take long for them to kick in which I was quite glad with as it meant I could at least attempt to get some sleep. I was awake till gone 2am in end and I just couldn't stay asleep I kept waking up every hour thinking I had been asleep for hours and it was ready to get up - which it clearly wasn't lol I managed to keep falling back to sleep again. But I couldn't stay asleep so I ended up just getting up around 9am this morning and then I changed my bedding as it needed doing but I couldn't be bothered to do it last night. And made sure that I was dressed was meant to do my hair but I forgot which was fine because when my buzzer went it was a female I had a huge sigh of relief but I was still very nervous.

We talked about the mental health issues that I had listed in my claim which was the depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, EUPD. I also mentioned that I have been diagnosed with Insomnia now too! Madness that I've got all these issues wrong with me I forget some times until it all gets listed off. She asked me a lot of questions and I must had given her a lot of information because she did a lot of writing lol which I am guessing is always a good thing, right?
We talked about my issues and struggles and gave her a list of medication that I am currently taking and what I take them for and how much.

Once she asked me about my mental health issues she stopped and said that in my notes it mentions me having a laparoscopic operation. I stopped froze, and just started crying. I apologized for getting upset, and continued to tell her that the operation I had was because I had an Ectopic Pregnancy. She apologized to me as she didn't realise that was what had happened and said she was sorry for my loss. I didn't go into too much detail because I was really upset and in shock and also a little confused. But I did tell her that I do now have problems with my periods. I don't think that the problems with my period is actually from losing my left Fallopian tube because those problems arised when I had my first abnormal smear. I told her that I had a hysteroscopy a few years ago which was to remove some of the lining of my womb to test it and it came back that I have endometrial hyperplasia which is a hormone issue and the lining basically grows to quick and that's why I have heavy and often painful periods. Although the issue comes and goes. I used to be on hormone tablets but at the moment I am not on anything because the problems I have clear up themselves sometimes it can be an issue especially the flooding I often experience but I do have tablets for that that helps and I tend to take them more at night and when I am going out because there is nothing worse than taking a step and needing the toilet almost instantly because worried I've flooded already and not even gone far.

I have to say though the lady who came to see me today was really nice and she helped me feel at ease a little. Especially considering the weirdest thing about the medical was that the doctors last name was the same as mine :) she wasn't English though I didn't ask where she came from or where her parents are from as its a little personal. But my surname is quite rare in a way and it also originates from Turkey apparently but who knows. My dad may do because he has been doing our family tree but hasn't said no more about it.

After she left I had a few more tears because I was just in shock in how she knew about the laparoscopic operation and then found that these doctors have some kind of access to my medical records but the issue with the notes is is that there wasn't any information given really except that my left tube had ruptured. One day I'd like access to those notes but I have read they can refuse you access based on your mental health issues so I don't think I'll ever get to see it.

In the end I composed myself and decided to head over to my sisters to see her and my nephews but as I had mentioned at the start she was in bed catching up on sleep from her night shift last night so it was my mum, youngest nephew till my sister woke up. I talked to mum about the medical I had and then when my sister came down she asked me how it went and I told her what happened too including them asking about the operation that she wanted to talk about. It'll take up to 6 weeks depending on how quick they do the paperwork in my area it could come earlier it just varies so I probably wont find out till March I reckon.
Spending the rest of the day with my mum, sister and my 3 nephews once the older 2 came back from school was just what I needed.. I played with them and got us all into trouble pmsl they've got toy guns with foam bullet things and plastic on the tops my oldest nephew took a bullet and he shot it at me twice so I took it to put it in the one I had and he got upset even though I wasn't actually going to shoot him with it lol so we got told off hehe I love those 3 boys and I will be glad when I am starting to properly feel myself again because I can then start seeing them a lot more again instead of just once a week. I just need to sort myself out and get back in to the doctors to see my doctor. Apart of me just wants to get in and see someone else but then I have the issue of explaining what my other doctor has done and why she's done it and then explaining again what I am there for, at least if I see or speak to my normal doctor I wont need to explain everything as she should in theory remember what she wanted to do with me and do with my medication. Apart of me thinks I need to go back on my Mirtazapine but I am also unsure if that's the right option. I just don't think I am stable enough to come off ALL my medication still especially after the issues I am having with coming off the Mirtazapine and tried the Venlofaxine..

Rest In Peace Robin Williams 1951-2014

R.I.P Robin Williams

21st July 1951 to 11th August 2014

Now, this is something that I have found to be very distressing, something that I know I can relate to in some small way. He may well have been famous, we obviously didn't meet, but depression is something that I know a lot about what with suffering with it for most of my life.

I have to say, that it goes to show that no matter how famous, talented rich etc. people always fight battles that we don't even know about. I believe that no one knew that Robin was suffering with depression, and fought his demons daily, especially with him being a comedian and an actor. He really is a brave brave man for continuing living his life regardless of how he felt on a daily basis. But, it is a shame that it took his own life. I really hope that he is now at peace and is free from his demons.

With all of this in mind, I hope that people will remember him for the comedian and actor he was, funny and all the brilliant films he has starred in for example:

The Voice Of Batty In Fern Gully

The Genie In Aladdin

Mrs Doubtfire

Good Will Hunting

Hook

And many more to mention.

I've picked up these images off facebook to share with you all.

I was browsing Google for some more quotes of his to add to this post, but I found something extraordinary.. I had no idea that Robin Williams & Christopher Reeve was friends. I remember learning of his riding accident which left him Paralyzed, but I had no idea of what involvement Robin had with the charity.

"But in the wake of Reeve's crippling 1995 riding accident, Williams vowed to pick up whatever hospital costs Reeve's insurance didn't cover."

Click here for more information that was left about their friendship!

I have a question...

Am I Mental For Wanting To Vent My Anger And Feelings And Thoughts On To Paper, Well Notebooks???

As you may know, I have Borderline Personality Disorder or at least some kind of Personality Disorder, Depression, Anxiety problems and slight Agoraphobia..

And I myself struggle talking and expressing my feelings "normally" but i feel that me writing helps myself without others knowing exactly what has been written..

I am in a bad place right now, I am going through a masses amount of problems and stress, and i cant cope with everything right now, and i felt at the time it was easier for me to write out on paper exactly how i am feeling.

But now, i am being told im mental and not normal for wanting to keep notebooks of stuff i write, i never re read anything i just write it and close the book and go back and write some more then close it etc. i have never re readen anything i wrote.

Apart from once, when i went through some old notepad files on the pc and i read some poems i had written years ago and it broke my heart, i guess i never really knew or understood exactly how i was feeling myself, and seeing that the feels have hardly changed was just awful.

I should really sort out my problems, but i have no patience for meds to work again, and really considering putting myself into a mental hospital or something just to keep me safe,

But if i did this, who is to say i can take the things that really mean to me like my cat for starters i couldnt leave him he needs me around, and loves my company!

no one texts me much anymore so hardly anyone is going to miss my texts/calls... i just really dont know what else i can do now, and after all the words that have been said, i just dont think its fair..

I was reminded of how this girl, has a life, has her baby etc. etc. etc. it just killed me.

I know it is nothing to do with you whom read this but i needed to get that off my chest! so i am sorry, but i am allowed to have feelings, arent i??

Theres always something there to remind me...

Today i was how you say reminded of the incident that occured around 5 years ago, when i was staying in seaford, east sussex for just under 5months.

I was sleeping on a friends sofa, due to falling out with my boyfriend, best friend and mum..
Whilst i was staying there i was accused of stealing £50 from my friends aunt & uncle... i was gob smacked to learn this!
I was actually given £50 via bank transfer from my uncle at the time i was staying in seaford due to no money, and he offered it to me as a "belated birthday gift" from missing out on quite a few birthdays!
But, i never withdrew the money from my account, nor did i deposit it.

This now cannot be proved, but even so, i know i never stole from them, never have done and never will, its not me.
But, my mum on the other hand believed me because of the problems i was going through, i had litterally found i was clinicly depressed, and diagnosed that year by a dr in Preston, when i was living there that same year, in April 2006.

So, my mum replaced the money that i was accused of stealing, and few years ago it came around to someone else admitting they stole the money, but i am the one who is still being blamed and kinda punished for something i never even did in the first place.
Which now is putting pressure on me deciding if it is worth continuing a friendship with my friend because of her aunt and other friend not dropping something or apologising for something i never had even done in the first place!

Ohhh what do i do

Its time to give in..

And get my butt to the doctors..

I need to sort out my problem.. as i am confused as to whats going on and why nothings happened..
And i need to sort out my meds/help!
I stopped taking the meds during december, not on purpose! i was ill with flu and i couldnt go docs because they wont let you in with a flu because of stupid swine flu.. and i couldnt get a repeat prescription because i needed the check up.. and then i stopped attending the bedale center again because something happened and it put me back to the start again where i was afraid to go out and be alone etc.
So i am hoping that can be easily sorted..

Although i have to admit i am worried about the outcome of all that though, because what i am scared of more than anything is death... which i have to admit sounds weird coming from someone who used self harm! but its the truth.. i am scared out of my wits when it comes to it..!
The thought of not seeing the stars, the moon, the seasons and the weather hurts..!

I do not know what to think or make of current events at the moment as nothing seems to ever be easy, and i do not know why..!
I mean, one min things are fine.. well not fine but ok and then within a blink of an eye everythings worse off again!

Maybe, just maybe, i need a bloody holiday... hmm!!!



Still.. one can always hope!!!

NatraSleep Tablets..

The other night i took a tablet to help me sleep, the NatraSleep ones that you can get online and in most stores - i believe...

But, instead of helping me sleep, i was wide awake for HOURS! couldnt work out why neither, but it wasnt until last night we'd decided to READ the box and it says and i quote:

" DO NOT USE IF YOU ARE SUFFERING FROM DEPRESSION OR ARE TAKING ANTI DEPRESSANT MEDICATION "

Err.. OOPS.. springs to mind!!!

Mind you most of the time i am always checking the box to make sure what you can and cant take for things, but because i was mega stressed out with this moron texting me and winding me up to the point where i exploded.. i couldnt settle or relax! but instead of helping me relax, this tablet kept me up longer i felt like i was high or hyper or something but i had to keep still as hubby needed his sleep .. so i couldnt keep him awake but i CAN assure you it was VERY difficult for me to be quiet or still for a certain amount of time! 

I wanted to listen to my music on my Ipod - but no the music was " too loud " so instead i surfed Facebook on it for a little while, until i got bored of that and decided to start playing a game and then deleted some stuff and found another game to play etc. etc. etc!!

Maybe next time i will either learn to read first, or just not take anything that may effect or have an effect whilst taking the meds... 

My Life..

I've been thinking about a great deal of things over the last 9 months or so, not just because of the ectopic i had, but because of other things, well other people instead..
I have looked at what i have been through from what i can remember from when i was kid, and to be honest there isn't much that i do remember, or recall.. but what people have said, i can see as if it were on video tape.. other stuff just seems to haunt me..
The last 3 years or so have been a bit mixed up...
2007 - i got with a bloke called Gary - he was bit dippy, and kinda ended up being bit like a maid doing his washing most of the time - which admittedly wasn't much as he wore same pants for days :| cripes!!!
In July time, i started seeing some lad whom i talk to a lot called James, he was lovely bless him! and strangely enough are still friends to this date! :D
Eventually i got back with Oli, he was my first REAL boyfriend, we broke up in 2006 as i was moving back to Bognor and wanted a fresh start blah blah blah...!! lol but eventually i realized i didnt feel the same for him as he did for me, or the feelings that i did have wasn't strong enough, so i let him go! apart of me wishes i hadn't another part thinks its for the best!
Since then, everything seemed to had gone down hill! :(
September 2007 i got a job in Card Factory, and i loved it! it was fun and interesting and new and i ended up getting to be a Supervisor and left in charge on sunday - again something else i loved! Until Christmas came! i was sooo ill over christmas it was horrible! :( - and this is where everything started boiling up again! the store was packed with people buying christmas cards and small gifts etc. and it didnt help when i ended up getting the flu with a bad cough and still having to work! - i did let down alot of people there which i couldn't or didnt mean to do just happened but i couldnt cope and didnt have the heart to admit it or tell anyone! - was awful.. then came along the "suicidal attempt" in march 2008 - not been as bad since (touch wood) but have done it since..
I ended up giving up my job at card factory because of my behaviour, being picked on by staff and an incident with someone causing me problems didnt help! i didnt know what else to do, so i had to give up and let the other people win, i am not really a fighter.. i am more of a giver up person!
Since these incidents i have not worked in 2 years! 2 years!!! its awful.. it really is! but i just cant cope with myself, let alone trying to keep a job - again! i am not the person whom i was and this Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression and Anxiety problems are holding me back - which i cannot stop.. because i know there is something wrong with me and being out and about with these problems and by myself scare me! so i just keep myself to myself and normally keep my problems to my self!.. but i need to " talk " let go of some " release " and feel bit better - although knowing me i wish i hadn't done or said anything, which would then lead me into deleting this post, if need be!
but then again, i dont really know why i post my thoughts and feelings and upset on this blog, when there are people out there whom follow me around the internet, watching me and my every moves - and i dont know why! there is nothing fascinating about me, so i dont know why everyone feels the need to stalk me online! lol idiots...!!!

anyway i think i done enough talking (typing) for one day/night (started last night) and leave it as it is, for now!

The State Of My Life, Is Unbelievable

Well, i am 23 in 2 days (13th) and omg, i am at the same point as i was last bloody year
- no job
- no life
- no family
- no money
- no friends
no nothing!!!!

I dont understand, i was seeing Kevin up till about 2 weeks ago when he decided to tell me that he was going to discharge me because i had to reschedual the last 2 appointments, and i was apparently late for the one i turned up for - the receptionist told me i was booked in for 2pm not 3pm but i swear i was booked in at 3pm ... so that pissed me off pretty much!
So now, since he had not let me know if i had managed to get on the STEPPS programme, nor did i get help from a lady at the surgery called Kirsty, for Anxiety & Depression and now i will not know if i get my stupid assessment for BPD - so it just seems that i wasted all my time and efforts in attempting to sort myself out because of my ectopic, everything has in a way gone down the pan.
On the 15th it would had been 2 months since the date, but 8 weeks on monday just gone since i had the op. and it is a nasty reminder that i cant do anything right... i mean, it has really made me feel like i have the worlds worst amount of luck!
yet i wasnt born on Friday 13th!!! - however my 18th birthday was on a bloody friday!!....maybe thats what done it?
Again, i dont understand what caused this, and weather or not my right fallopian is clear or fine - until i get another one, i guess?
I have been so depressed again the last couple of days because of the state of the way my life is at the moment, and the way things are at home...
I was informed the other day that the house was being Evaluated, to see how much it is worth as it looks like things are getting to the point now where they are going to have to sell the house...!!
I dunno, it just seems and feels like nothing to me is ever simples anymore! lol its crazy, i mean i dont know how i am coping, or how i am plodding along still..but i am!?
I think i might just stick to growing flowers from seeds - and making hanging baskets and stuff with the seeds i own and have bought and growing veggies too, better than nothing... really, right?

Tomorrow i am going to make sure i get up early enough to ring the bloody doctor and get this sorted out, because i for one cannot live like this anymore and i cannot repeat cannot do any of this by myself, really.. i do need help! and yes, i am admitting to it, but it is difficult with my anxiety and agoraphobia that comes and goes ... driving me Nuts!!!

My Hearts Just Not In It...

Lately i have just given up with writing blogs because

- no one reads them
- it causes problems (somehow)
- since someone reads my blog like a book all the time, i find it hard to express myself...


I had tried to keep a diary, that lasted all of a month or two... but that wasnt good enough, for some reason i just felt that writing about it online would be good for me, and other people too (i meant for people who are like me not ones who like to stalk people) but it never happened..
I had a website up, and i got 1 person contact me from that, because she was the same as me, with the Borderline Personality Disorders and Depression & Anxiety etc.

Still.. i just wish that i could write what i think and what i feel without someone reading it and using it against me and using it to spy on me - because that is what she is doing basically... got nothing better to do etc.
argh she makes me angry just thinking about what she does! idiot

Anyway, this week is the anniversary of my dog, Tammy...

This is Tammy...
We got her when i was just 2 and my sister was not 1 yet (i think)
...but we had to give her to our grandparents because we were too scared of her - at first!
She lived with my nan & grandad for the rest of her life, but we still loved her even though she wasnt ours (in the end)
She was kind and loving, when i used to go to my grandparents she would follow me around, and sit with me all the time..
at night she would sleep on the floor in my bedroom it was almost like she was watching over me making sure i wasnt going to get hurt etc. but i loved it, she did the same when my grandparents moved from their place in Felpham to a mobile home in Aldingbourne.. again she would sleep in the bedroom with me, except she was able to get on the bed at their new place because the bed was lower down.
i used to be able to tuck her up in bed under the duvet with me, i loved it as much as she did, i think?
one thing that always made me chuckle with her was she would never ever go outside when it was raining, regardless if she needed a wee, or not! she didnt like getting her 'fanny' wet! lol
- when i used to go over for Sunday Roast, my aunt and uncle would be there with the kids too.. my cousin Jodie, is autistic and doesnt speak etc. she could tread on Tammy's paw or tail and she wouldnt yelp to let you know she was there - but she did however let YOU know if you trod on her!!
....its like she knew, like the 6th sense!?
I saw her few days before she was put down, i had gone over as it was nans birthday on the 4th May - and was told then the weekend before that she had 'lumps' on her face that was getting checked out after weekend... but when they were checked it came back as  - cancer - and there was nothing anyone could do for her so they had to put her to sleep... it was awful! the thought of loosing her was horrendous - although personally i felt that something had happened to her years before when the family split up after a huge row..
i wish i had got to say goodbye - properly i mean she was there for me in some ways... but instead all i did was cry, i cried from the moment i was told she had gone, and few days after that!
I was afraid to go to my nan and grandads because she wouldnt be there... but eventually i plucked up the courage to go, and i talked to my grandad and he felt that he saw her in the hallway sitting by the radiator where she always used to sit ... and i was astonished and felt 'calm' knowing she was around..
another time after that i was sitting in the lounge setting up the tv to watch a video and i heard what sounded like footsteps in the kitchen on the lino - but it wasnt feet from a human, it was seriously the sound of paw pads on the floor ... i felt scared for a moment, as i couldnt see anything and then i realised that it was her - and that she was there...
Another time, after the incident with my grandad, and the one with the kitchen, my nan had passed me a kids toy, a jack in the box type toy that i used to play with when i was small, it was amazing to see something i had loved playing with so dearly... and then later that evening when i put it away in my cupboard, i had noticed a line of black crimpled hair... i didnt understand where it had come from as it was thicker than human hair, and from my understanding everything was cleaned and hoovered and her things removed when Tammy had passed, but it was just sitting there, on my pillow... i told my nan, but she swore blind the whole place had been cleaned out.... so whether she was there that night and left me something, a remainder? i just dont know.. but its still comforting.. and it is still kind of difficult even to this day,
I still go looking for her and expecting her to run and jump at me when i open their kitchen/front door...!!

I know it sounds like a silly thing to hear/believe - but i have my belief's and i feel that they should be shared and expressed, no matter what.

Its Been 2 Weeks..

Since my operation and suprisingly i am OK - which is strange when i have seen loads of people on various Ectopic Pregnancy groups on facebook...

But all i can say about that is i guess i had no choice in the matter, i was told if i didnt have the methotrexate injection then it would end in complications but due to the endless amounts of calls from some idiot i ignored the hospital & doctors whom was trying to ring me to have my blood test done to work out if i need the second injection - which is then what lead me up into my tube rupturing and having to have that removed along with the 12w fetus growing there..

I guess i kinda feel angry, as it could had been avoided - but in some ways i am relieved incase it had happened again and it was in the left again - but i would had never known that my tube was damaged (to which i still am not aware what from) i just feel kind of mixed up - maybe the reason why i have been "ok" is because i am putting a front on so people cant see what i am really going through,  because i sure as hell know no one on my facebook is really interested in whats going on or whats happened... including some of my family!

But now, after keeping this page for the last 4/5 months i am now in threat to remove it because some idiot knows what i wrote about her - but thing is, everything i have said is true! and now im being told that she is going to do the same to me "to see how i like it" - thing is i aint really done anything wrong to her, all she knows is the stuff that Tim has told her over the last 2 years - so all she is going to do is gain attention for something that really isnt true - so if you are reading this:

*then good luck to you, i dont much care! because i know what i really am and what i have done, and well good luck to you because at end of the day all you have is very little truth and very little on the facts! *

I just dont understand how some person can be adamant to ruin someones life, if i had left then what would happen - nothing, either that or got her own way to shut her up as goes on and on despite having pretty much told for the last 3 months she is not longer wanted....!!!

anyway enough of the little mental person - i am not going to let IT ruin my life anymore, she has done enough damage the last 2 years!

.... I really need to focus on me, or at least my family as we are still being ripped to shreads..

why does something that seems to be OK for so many years end up with everything shattered...?

its hardly fair anymore

oops..

well so much for me keeping an online diary of daily events and how i cope with them etc. looks like i given up on this, as well as i did everything and pretty much everyone else!
before xmas, i decided i wasnt going to take my tablets anymore, i was taking sertraline, but i felt nothing was working so i stopped them too - which was probably a stupid idea, but i believe now it has been about a month, 4 weeks i have not been taking them and i still feel pretty low! - perhaps its a sign that i should go back to the doctor! but it is very difficult..
things still not getting better between my dad and my mum.. but i guess that is something they need to sort out themselves - but i just cant help but wonder..
i think most of the reason why i gave up with this 'diary' is because
1 - noone reads it
2 - it is stupid
3 - noone reads it
4 - its boring
5 - pointless!!

..or least thats what i feel, and well maybe some have said! but i guess not everyone wants to know what really goes on in the head of a "mental person" !!! lol

so much for a happy new year....

Just A Few Days Left..

Well there aint long left now till Christmas Day, and to be honest i am sooo glad, although i wish it would hurry up and get here, be over and done with and then can move onto the new year.. and hope that it is a new year and a new start.
the last couple of days have been like hell.. monday mum comes back from her weekend away wishing she never came home..
and tonight all hell broke loose, as soon as i stepped out shower all i could hear was shouting and arguing and i was just frozen by the front door i couldnt do anything, it was horrible eventually i went into the front room as was cold and it just continued i screamed for everyone stop shouting and arguing but it didnt do much i just got told of for ' being silly ' never mind the atmosphere and arguements and problems are effecting me.. i am starting to feel like i wish i never come home, although now i have to look into getting my own place to get away from everything and everyone, but i am really scared i never lived on my own and i not sure if i really ready - but at the end of the day i have no choice what so ever, i have to do it i got nothing left and noone left and its driving me insane to the point where i have no where to turn.. no one talk to nothing.
things are never going to be ok and no matter how much i want and try i am never going to get the perfect life and the perfect love i dream about.. all i do at night is cry and cry and cry i got so much running around in my head that i cant keep up with anything..

And I Begin To Wonder..

Ok so now i have decided to try and sort a dentist out, after breaking 2 teeth, over the space of a year.. they have not caused any pain, and hardly any discomfort, but now i am worried as one of my teeth has only got a quarter left i believe.. its really scaring me because i dont want to be awake and i dont want to witness anything, i want to be sleep like they do for operations but apparently no one would do that. and what with my breathing problems and anxiety and panicking all the time - then it may go wrong or thats what i feel and worry about.. probably stupid n silly i know, but i know i wont be able to handle it.. i cringe at the noises and sounds in holby city and casulty.. so i feel and know i wont be able to cope!
even if i did try and be brave i wont be able to handle it because i just worried i will be on my own.. etc.

have been feeling bit off, partly because of it and worrying about dentists etc. but there are still various things getting me down all the time, its just really hard to pick myself up.. i am still taking my tablets the sertraline ones, but i still feel that nothing is changing and nothing is working to help me feel better or anything..

Pure Madness...

my my my...!
what a couple of days.. talk about crazy and completly weird.
I still aint coping with my emotions, temper, frustrations, anger etc. its complete madness, i just wish i knew where to start and where i was going what to do etc. but unfortunatly no one sees just what i do go through and it aint fair anymore! i wish someone could just realise and see whats going on and open their eyes and realise that i am not getting better and i do neeed help! - in some respects i cannot moan too much, i mean i am seeing Kevin when i can and he aint too busy and well when i am up for going etc. and now i am waiting on seeing a lady at the surgery who will help with my depression and anxiety side of my problems, whereas i have mentioned a few times before that kevin is my BPD (borderline personality disorder) side of the mental health things!
i cant seem to settle on something at the moment either, i am either trying to keep the relationship from falling apart or i am trying to sabbotage it by causing problems, but i just dont know how to handle these situations and what i need to do in times of crisis's and stuff like that, because for the last few years i have spent every moment of it bottling everything up and then i sit in my room on my own like idiot for hours on end until i feel i can show my face again, i did have counciling once, i saw a lady at bognor hospital when i was 15/16 but that didnt really do much, but where i am afraid to open up half the time, i think i only went 6 times out of the year or something, i just couldnt bare it.. plus i didnt really wanna go to the hospital alone as hospitals are big and scary - people die there etc. - silly i know but it is also true.
i have spent pretty much the last few days believing in things and wanting answers that i aint sure are there, i aint sure if i am just paranoid or there really is something going on and i cant put my finger on what, i just feel like everyone around me is making excuses, lying and covering things up.. but i dont know what or why.
also for the last few weeks, months, i have felt really unwanted, by numberous of people - not that they will agree with me, they think that i being silly etc. but i am sure and positive i am not. i mean if i was wanted why arent people bothering with me anymore, i used to get loads of texts a day - and now the only text i get is from 1 person and thats pretty much it, it is really sad and i feel like failure pretty much all the time, but it is hard when i have spent most of my life trying to make friends, trying to fit in and nothing seems to work and no one seems to be interested even though i have warned people about my problems, but i guess people still think i am a crazy nutty person with no life because i sit in doors all day - but it aint like i want to, really i dont, i just cant face going out alone with no where to go no one to see and what with having aboslutley no money makes it that bit harder.. because even if i did want to go out i cant because i cant do what i really wanted to do! and i cant admit that bcoz its very stupid and crazy and i dont really want people to think worse of me than they do already and it aint fair really.. i am fed up with being judged etc. for having a problem, yeah i have mental health issues.. doesnt mean that i cant have friend etc. since i admitted i had it, i only had one lady talk to me about it, she is called Stephanie, she emailed me from my In A Lonely Place website, and to have someone similar to me, and also in Bognor was a big thing for me, very over whelming i never thought that i would find someone.. and i am happy no exatactic that i have got someone to talk to now, and its just a big scarey world with no idea what i am going to be like from one day to the next, its like someone is living in my head with a switch that gets flicked on and off in my head that makes me be mean, rude, angry, weird, hyper, sad, depressed etc. i just wish there was something i could do or at least someone could do to help me! :(

..this was a random picture i just created using a random status on the application on facebook called Status Shuffle..

oh what a morning..

ok its almost 9am.. and for some reason i am awake, and more miserable and upset than i was yesterday!
i feel today as though i shouldnt had got up, and stayed in bed asleep.. then i wont cause anyone any problems then will i!
..i was meant to have my medical today for my ESA Benefit, but i cancelled as wasnt feeling well and well, because i feel the way i do NOW well way i have been past couple of days, - really depressed.
Yeah, i am awake now, i could had gone blah blah blah - but thing is, i couldnt really find anyone to take me to Portsmouth... silly really, i used to go to Yorkshire, Preston, Didcot, etc. by my self.. and now, a few years later i wont even walk out the front door unless someone is with me! - what the hell is that all about!?
i just dont understand as to how and why i became this, i really really dont! it is mega crazy yet noone seems to understand that, and most people think i should just 'snap out of it' and well maybe the people who feel that should spend the day with me, no wait actually live with me, but funny how they are the people who do not come and see me on a regular occasion, no, they are people now who dont bother at all.
shame really, well more of a shame that all the people who said they would help.. aren't talking me anymore, not texting, or arranging to see me anymore! - yeah so i wouldnt had gone out, but still.. it would be nice to feel wanted bit more then maybe i might actually wanna show my face in society - but until that day comes when i am confident enough to be on my own - i just have to stay alone, isolated with no one to talk to, no one who cares, that sorta thing!
...man i wish i knew how to cope with this BPD thing...!!!

oh what a night..

after surviving on just 3 hours sleep, i am starting to cave..
i am so miserable, so down, stressed, frustrated, annoyed, alone, hurt, fed up everything.. i dont even really have an idea or a clue as to why i feel like this! - it really really sucks..
i felt ok-ish watching A Muppets Christmas Carol - i love the film, its just a shame that in films they make everything and everyone happy.. when it aint always the case in real life.. i guess i kind of wish that my life was a fairytale.. least i would always have a happy ending..right!?
..i dont know what is going to happen with Christmas this year, i mean i am 22, getting old, and christmas just aint what it used to be anymore, i see people all around me with their kids, or having kids, or just generally doing 'alright' for themselves, and there is me, the same idiotic person i always have been and nothing and no one will change that i bet.
a part of me really feels like i dont want this borderline personality disorder, i just cant always handle my emotions or handle the outcome or even know how to deal with them, for the simple reason i aint exactly got my head around everything, it aint sunk in nothing..
i found my friends baby scans and little wrist band things they wear.. and it broke my heart - not that i am jealous - well maybe a little .. but because i know i am never going to have the experience of having a child, i am pretty sure that i cannot have them, so i have not bothered in persuing it because it would only get me down more than i am already, and well people say that when they have a child that it changes them for better and often not, mind you i would be crap looking after someone else, i cant even look after myself half the time! :(
apart of me really wishes i could change all this, and apart of me wants everything to be better, but i am also scared because i will have to do it all on my own, and i aint really sure if i am strong enough to cope anymore. i cant even remember to bring in the milk on a monday/wedensday/friday from outside, i am scared to go out on my own.. and i dont even know why.. and there are numberous things going round and round in and out in and out i just cant deal with all the confusion, emotion and everything else running through my mind..
i picked up a card from the doctors surgery last week, for the Samaratains.. maybe i should get in touch with them and find someone to talk to!? i just feel today that i cannot cope.. and i really strongly feel i am unwanted too..
i just dont understand why tonight all i wanna do is hide away, curl up in a ball n die, and i guess i feel as though i am fading into the background!
..i guess i wish i had friends, someone to talk to, someone to keep me sane, someone to help me.. i even tried posting out a link to a group page i made up on facebook about my problems and to seek help in other people and for them to gain help from me etc. but most of the friends on my facebook list just declined the page without taking a look or having a second thought, even the people i knew and used to hang out with months ago do not bother with me anymore, and why...? i aint got a clue, one girl said she come over for the afternoon/evening and spend time with me catch up etc. and she said she was going to the shop, within half an hour she claimed she was ill and had to go back to bed.. and i have not spoke to her since.. and this was around a couple of months ago now!
...why am i such a threat or why cant people stand to be around me anymore?! really feel out of place and lonely no matter where i am or who i am with! :(

13th december - 5 months till i 23!!

oh dear, i realized that today is exactly 5 months now till my 23rd birthday.. how bad does that suck!?
i mean, i look at my self now and what i used to be like and i just feel like a failure each and every year!! nothing ever changes for me, i am still the same idiot who jacked her job in because of the problems i was having in my personal life and the ones at work i was picked on by a couple of people and i still don't know why till this day why they did what they did .. so thanks to them i lost my confidence and i ended up ruining all the chances i had at card factory, but i would had ended up being sacked if i hadn't had left, i know i would had been because i kept getting into trouble and i kept having head office 'keeping an eye on me' etc.
i have now been out of a job for over a year now, and when i think about getting back into the 'retail' role or working again i panic, because i messed up whilst i was at card factory, how many more times am i gonna fuck up my working life..!?
i am scared that i am going to sacked or more problems will arise whilst i work and it will then again knock my confidence out again and i have a very low self esteem and very low self worth, i just really am hoping i could be like everyone else.. everyone i know is:
Married, has kids, has a decent relationship with no problems, pregnant, has a life - etc.
i just wish i could fit in i guess, i mean i feel so alone and scared all the time, i just wish that there was something or someone that could make me and everything feel million times better, and may actually want to make my life worth living and stuff.. but it just sucks because i am to scared to do something about it.
which is why i am on ESA - employment support allowance - they are meant to help people like me get back into work and hopefully they will help me more than what being on JSA - job seekers allowance - was, as they wasn't interested in anything but finding out information and signing book and your on your way...
maybe i am asking too much of people, and asking everyone to help me when i should be able to help myself, i just feel so dependable on one other person to be there for me to help me when i fall and be there when i need them,
why have i become this!? it sucks!

Kevin .. I Guess You Can Call Him My Counsiler?

today was my appointment to see Kevin at our doctors surgery.
i didnt really want to go i just felt so let down by the bedale centre that i couldnt really face going... but me mom made me go *sigh*
we were late because of traffic.. my appointment was at 3:20pm and i was not seen until 4pm to which took an hour..!
i told him what had been going on over the last few weeks, he asked me why i stopped taking my citalopram anti depressants - so i told him what i felt and that they were not working for me..
also admitted i ask for further help from the surgery - but again i got upset because i didnt actually know what i wanted the help for or why.. was very difficult for me 2 explain.
he had also told me that the bedale centre had written to the gp and not me, saying something along the line of:
"samantha is showing traits to bpd and has trauma from the past. i feel that samantha will not require no more help from bedale unless stated otherwise she can be refered back if cause for concern"
i was really annoyed.. everyone say its clear i have bpd from how i act, what i do and how i behave etc. but for some reason the 'consultant' thinks and feels different otherwise.
i have to look up about a programe called STEPPS which is a course with the bedale centre to help with my problems and i guess learn!? to be honest i have not got much clue about it, until i read up on it!
was bit emotional with it all today.
i bought some more chocolate, not alot mind as i gave some 2 my sister and my mum for helping me and taking me up the sugery.
been chilling out as much as i could this evening, and just kept myself to my self.. had chinese for tea - well kind of chinese i had was just chicken balls and chips and thats all i seem to want to eat from the Chinese we go to now lol so i am happy with chicken balls and chips! - seriously beigninning to think i am a very cheap date lol

Website..

tonight i created a new website and i called it this:

In A Lonely Place

i did this to share my problems with everyone over the internet as there are thousands of searches done a day about mental health, and i felt if i had my page out there i could draw people in and let people know that they have someone like me to talk to as i know what they are going through etc.

i hope that you will check it out and let me know what the thoughts and feelings are about this website. cheers

Sertraline...

Today is my first day on taking these new anti depressants, i am bit nervous about taking them as i never heard of them and even though i have read the packing (which really i probably hadnt) i am worried about the symptoms etc.

hopefully i am just overreacting - so fingers crossed there are some changes..

.. ok here goes .. down the 'hatchet' with me blackcurrant drink ..

and swallowed... i have to take these now for the next 2 weeks and i have to go back to doctor in 2 weeks time to see how i am getting on etc. - basic check up i guess?

i dunno.. i such a silly fool sometimes, but still. i was same with taking Fluoxetine last year, and i was funny about taking the citalopram ones in 2006 - when i first started them.. and then came off within a couple of months - oops! 

really i nead to LEARN how to keep at the tablets, but i just worried i become too dependant on them, or i be on them a very long time, i have heard about people who have been taking them for well over a decade and there dependant on them etc. maybe i just being paranoid!?