The Mental Health System & Me..

Well what can I say, Me and the Mental Health System do not get on!!

In previous blogs I posed about seeing a guy called Kevin, and didn't realise how wrong he was for me in the years that I saw him! He wasn't a great guy and the more I remember of him and what he did and say has made me question why I even saw him in the first place!!
He was the one who said that I have BPD but when I questioned it and asked for the diagnosis he would turn around and tell me that I don't need my diagnosis because if I did, I would dwell on it.. DWELL ON IT?? I just wanted to know what was wrong with me!

It took me a few years before I found out my actual diagnosis was right, it was BPD back in 2009 (if I remember rightly) when I had my 1st appointment at Bedale.

Over the years I have been on loads of different medication, Citalopram, Fluoxetine, Sertraline, Mirtazapine, Amitripyline, Quetiapine and I have now been told to take Promethazine for insomnia!

Worst part is, I had a Bedale appointment back in May because I feel my medication is not working and I was struggling with the death of my Grandfather. But the outcome wasn't what I was hoping or expecting! I have been discharged from the Dr I saw and he expects me to come off my medication in 6 months time! 6 MONTHS TIME!? I am not sure which one they want to take me off of as I am currently taking Mirtazpine (45mg) and Quetiapine (300mg) but he has said that I can continue taking Promethazine for my Insomnia.

My diagnosis is now known as EUPD (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder) which I HATE I prefer to refer myself as having BPD.
Funny thing is, in different parts of the UK where I talk to different friends on FB they have a BPD diagnosis, but me and my bestie from Brighton has the EUPD diagnosis?

On top of my BPD I have also got Anxiety issues, Depression and now Insomnia!

oops..

well so much for me keeping an online diary of daily events and how i cope with them etc. looks like i given up on this, as well as i did everything and pretty much everyone else!
before xmas, i decided i wasnt going to take my tablets anymore, i was taking sertraline, but i felt nothing was working so i stopped them too - which was probably a stupid idea, but i believe now it has been about a month, 4 weeks i have not been taking them and i still feel pretty low! - perhaps its a sign that i should go back to the doctor! but it is very difficult..
things still not getting better between my dad and my mum.. but i guess that is something they need to sort out themselves - but i just cant help but wonder..
i think most of the reason why i gave up with this 'diary' is because
1 - noone reads it
2 - it is stupid
3 - noone reads it
4 - its boring
5 - pointless!!

..or least thats what i feel, and well maybe some have said! but i guess not everyone wants to know what really goes on in the head of a "mental person" !!! lol

so much for a happy new year....

Sertraline...

Today is my first day on taking these new anti depressants, i am bit nervous about taking them as i never heard of them and even though i have read the packing (which really i probably hadnt) i am worried about the symptoms etc.

hopefully i am just overreacting - so fingers crossed there are some changes..

.. ok here goes .. down the 'hatchet' with me blackcurrant drink ..

and swallowed... i have to take these now for the next 2 weeks and i have to go back to doctor in 2 weeks time to see how i am getting on etc. - basic check up i guess?

i dunno.. i such a silly fool sometimes, but still. i was same with taking Fluoxetine last year, and i was funny about taking the citalopram ones in 2006 - when i first started them.. and then came off within a couple of months - oops! 

really i nead to LEARN how to keep at the tablets, but i just worried i become too dependant on them, or i be on them a very long time, i have heard about people who have been taking them for well over a decade and there dependant on them etc. maybe i just being paranoid!?

8th December... Outcome...

well as it is written in the post before about my doctors, well the outcome was OK but not again what i expected, i am beginning to think that i am expecting too much from people..?

i am now on Sertraline antidepressants on the 50mg dosage to start, gotta go back in 2 weeks see how i am getting on etc.
im gonna get a referal to see another mental health person within the surgery other than Kevin Pinkney on a friday, as i cannot get a regular appointment seen as how he is so busy and pretty much booked up all the time, i mean i got an appointment on friday (11th december) and i booked that on the 18th november.. thats how bad it is.
so that should then mean that if i am seeing a couple of people about it i got some support there, and i also got some info for the samaratains so again thats another source of help and support.

Still.. i am waiting upon an out come from the bedale centre about the assessment i had.. but i probably will not hear anything now until after christmas i bet! :(
so in the meantime, i will just find someone at the samaratians i can confide in when i need to, have the help from kevin and new person at the surgery .... so hopefully i will have some sort of counciling soon because i cannot continue like this, its not good and i am putting myself aswel as others at risk.. me more than others because i self harm a fair amount and i hardly ever hit out at the person/people that have upset me.