The First Step To Changes...

Today i had my appointment at our local mental health center..

Had bit of a restless night, but still managed to get up.. well stay awake this morning lol
I had a few tears and panics before i left, but i managed to get there, in the end!! (i got my brother to meet me and walk me around to the place)
The meeting wasn't too bad, i had a lady whom is new to the profession, and wanted to sit in with me and use me as her project i guess.. i was reluctant at first, but until i was told that it would be extra help and support, i thought well i might as well.. plus i am a tough lil cookie with so much going on.. that i would be a good subject lol just hope that i dont put her off her career :p teehee
After she was introduced to me, we went through a mini questionnaire thing, to point out how much something bothers me, and what is desperate and needs to be looked at.
I don't remember much on this list now, unfortunately :(
but i do know that the most important subjects were
- self harm
- tension release
- sleeping
- anger management
..and quite a few more...
I was asked if i wished to start looking into the program today, but i felt that after the interview as they say that i felt bit full of information and talked all i needed to talk about and left it at that.

I now go to the Bedale Center once a week.. going on a Wednesday afternoon at 2pm.. i start my first session next week. they are going to be easy on me, mind you they'd have to - i not very good with pressure etc. so i would need to start off small..
So next week's session will start talking about sleeping - as thats driving me mad as i cannot sleep and i have been like it for 2 to 3 months now even before i took the anti depressants!!!
I talked about sleeping tablets and how the ones i took the other day "NatraSleep" and the effect they gave me..
So who knows what'll happen!!

But after the session, my brother came and met me again, and then i went back to dads flat with him, and then watched him and his girlfriend playing on the playstation 3 and then finally dragged my brothers arse into town!! lol
I wanted to have a look at external hard drives as my laptop drive is only 100GB and i want bit more space than that externally so i dont keep clogging up my laptop itself as it slows it down all the time.. drives me mad!!
** i hope i didnt embarrass him too much lol My brother should realise that when someone takes ME out its "Special Sammii's Day Out" - like the people that look after special needs peoples.. hehe thats what it like for meeee... so i kept going ooooooh POKEMON and WOW and OMG .. etc! ha ha ha **
All i bought in town in the end was a new art book, as i lost my other one at my house somewhere :( and then a few bits in morrisons..
did a little bit of shopping, mind you most of the shopping was chocolate for meeeeeee =)
i bought:
a pack of 2 doughnuts - they didnt have the custard ones :( so got 2 raspberry ones! lol
2 x kitkat caramel was on off 2 for 70p!!
box of maltesers as was £1
cheapo custard creams
crinkle and thin chips
and curly fries =) yay

Not bad really lol although i shouldnt eat all that really.. i will get fat.....!! ha ha ha ha (NEVER)

Race For Life - Breast Cancer Research Charity

I dont actually have a clue who reads this or who doesnt, and what 'audience' this goes out too..

but i wanted to share this,

http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/saraosman1

My mum is taking part in the Race For Life at Fontwell in June, and i want to see if i can help her get some more sponsers!

She is doing it in memory of her mum, whom died in 1996 of Breast Cancer aged 56. And this year (in June) it would be her 70th Birthday.. to which is why mum is doing it this year in aid of her.

(this is my nan - left)

I myself did a mini fundraiser last year for Cancer Research, i held a Disco type event with Raffles And tonnes of 80's musics.

I hope that who ever reads this, stops by the link and makes a donation, no matter how much big or small it all helps and it goes towards

Breast Cancer Research.

I will be posting the link over a few of my websites.. i really hope that we can help make a difference.

SUPPORTING THE FIGHT FOR THE CURE OF BREAST CANCERS

Good News...?

So i had my appointment with Kevin - the bloke i see at our local surgery for my mental health problems, and the site i had found for the STEPPS programme i had mentioned before a few months ago, i had read and i asked if i could go for it - yay go me! - website here
Oh, and it looks like that i can hopefully get a proper diagnosis so that it might also actually give me some idea on few things and i can actually say "I do have BPD - i finally got a proper diagnosis" etc. and also this way it might actually help make me realise i do have it regardless and make me come to terms to it too.
Fingers crossed me thinks.

oh what a night..

after surviving on just 3 hours sleep, i am starting to cave..
i am so miserable, so down, stressed, frustrated, annoyed, alone, hurt, fed up everything.. i dont even really have an idea or a clue as to why i feel like this! - it really really sucks..
i felt ok-ish watching A Muppets Christmas Carol - i love the film, its just a shame that in films they make everything and everyone happy.. when it aint always the case in real life.. i guess i kind of wish that my life was a fairytale.. least i would always have a happy ending..right!?
..i dont know what is going to happen with Christmas this year, i mean i am 22, getting old, and christmas just aint what it used to be anymore, i see people all around me with their kids, or having kids, or just generally doing 'alright' for themselves, and there is me, the same idiotic person i always have been and nothing and no one will change that i bet.
a part of me really feels like i dont want this borderline personality disorder, i just cant always handle my emotions or handle the outcome or even know how to deal with them, for the simple reason i aint exactly got my head around everything, it aint sunk in nothing..
i found my friends baby scans and little wrist band things they wear.. and it broke my heart - not that i am jealous - well maybe a little .. but because i know i am never going to have the experience of having a child, i am pretty sure that i cannot have them, so i have not bothered in persuing it because it would only get me down more than i am already, and well people say that when they have a child that it changes them for better and often not, mind you i would be crap looking after someone else, i cant even look after myself half the time! :(
apart of me really wishes i could change all this, and apart of me wants everything to be better, but i am also scared because i will have to do it all on my own, and i aint really sure if i am strong enough to cope anymore. i cant even remember to bring in the milk on a monday/wedensday/friday from outside, i am scared to go out on my own.. and i dont even know why.. and there are numberous things going round and round in and out in and out i just cant deal with all the confusion, emotion and everything else running through my mind..
i picked up a card from the doctors surgery last week, for the Samaratains.. maybe i should get in touch with them and find someone to talk to!? i just feel today that i cannot cope.. and i really strongly feel i am unwanted too..
i just dont understand why tonight all i wanna do is hide away, curl up in a ball n die, and i guess i feel as though i am fading into the background!
..i guess i wish i had friends, someone to talk to, someone to keep me sane, someone to help me.. i even tried posting out a link to a group page i made up on facebook about my problems and to seek help in other people and for them to gain help from me etc. but most of the friends on my facebook list just declined the page without taking a look or having a second thought, even the people i knew and used to hang out with months ago do not bother with me anymore, and why...? i aint got a clue, one girl said she come over for the afternoon/evening and spend time with me catch up etc. and she said she was going to the shop, within half an hour she claimed she was ill and had to go back to bed.. and i have not spoke to her since.. and this was around a couple of months ago now!
...why am i such a threat or why cant people stand to be around me anymore?! really feel out of place and lonely no matter where i am or who i am with! :(

13th december - 5 months till i 23!!

oh dear, i realized that today is exactly 5 months now till my 23rd birthday.. how bad does that suck!?
i mean, i look at my self now and what i used to be like and i just feel like a failure each and every year!! nothing ever changes for me, i am still the same idiot who jacked her job in because of the problems i was having in my personal life and the ones at work i was picked on by a couple of people and i still don't know why till this day why they did what they did .. so thanks to them i lost my confidence and i ended up ruining all the chances i had at card factory, but i would had ended up being sacked if i hadn't had left, i know i would had been because i kept getting into trouble and i kept having head office 'keeping an eye on me' etc.
i have now been out of a job for over a year now, and when i think about getting back into the 'retail' role or working again i panic, because i messed up whilst i was at card factory, how many more times am i gonna fuck up my working life..!?
i am scared that i am going to sacked or more problems will arise whilst i work and it will then again knock my confidence out again and i have a very low self esteem and very low self worth, i just really am hoping i could be like everyone else.. everyone i know is:
Married, has kids, has a decent relationship with no problems, pregnant, has a life - etc.
i just wish i could fit in i guess, i mean i feel so alone and scared all the time, i just wish that there was something or someone that could make me and everything feel million times better, and may actually want to make my life worth living and stuff.. but it just sucks because i am to scared to do something about it.
which is why i am on ESA - employment support allowance - they are meant to help people like me get back into work and hopefully they will help me more than what being on JSA - job seekers allowance - was, as they wasn't interested in anything but finding out information and signing book and your on your way...
maybe i am asking too much of people, and asking everyone to help me when i should be able to help myself, i just feel so dependable on one other person to be there for me to help me when i fall and be there when i need them,
why have i become this!? it sucks!

Kevin .. I Guess You Can Call Him My Counsiler?

today was my appointment to see Kevin at our doctors surgery.
i didnt really want to go i just felt so let down by the bedale centre that i couldnt really face going... but me mom made me go *sigh*
we were late because of traffic.. my appointment was at 3:20pm and i was not seen until 4pm to which took an hour..!
i told him what had been going on over the last few weeks, he asked me why i stopped taking my citalopram anti depressants - so i told him what i felt and that they were not working for me..
also admitted i ask for further help from the surgery - but again i got upset because i didnt actually know what i wanted the help for or why.. was very difficult for me 2 explain.
he had also told me that the bedale centre had written to the gp and not me, saying something along the line of:
"samantha is showing traits to bpd and has trauma from the past. i feel that samantha will not require no more help from bedale unless stated otherwise she can be refered back if cause for concern"
i was really annoyed.. everyone say its clear i have bpd from how i act, what i do and how i behave etc. but for some reason the 'consultant' thinks and feels different otherwise.
i have to look up about a programe called STEPPS which is a course with the bedale centre to help with my problems and i guess learn!? to be honest i have not got much clue about it, until i read up on it!
was bit emotional with it all today.
i bought some more chocolate, not alot mind as i gave some 2 my sister and my mum for helping me and taking me up the sugery.
been chilling out as much as i could this evening, and just kept myself to my self.. had chinese for tea - well kind of chinese i had was just chicken balls and chips and thats all i seem to want to eat from the Chinese we go to now lol so i am happy with chicken balls and chips! - seriously beigninning to think i am a very cheap date lol

Website..

tonight i created a new website and i called it this:

In A Lonely Place

i did this to share my problems with everyone over the internet as there are thousands of searches done a day about mental health, and i felt if i had my page out there i could draw people in and let people know that they have someone like me to talk to as i know what they are going through etc.

i hope that you will check it out and let me know what the thoughts and feelings are about this website. cheers

Sertraline...

Today is my first day on taking these new anti depressants, i am bit nervous about taking them as i never heard of them and even though i have read the packing (which really i probably hadnt) i am worried about the symptoms etc.

hopefully i am just overreacting - so fingers crossed there are some changes..

.. ok here goes .. down the 'hatchet' with me blackcurrant drink ..

and swallowed... i have to take these now for the next 2 weeks and i have to go back to doctor in 2 weeks time to see how i am getting on etc. - basic check up i guess?

i dunno.. i such a silly fool sometimes, but still. i was same with taking Fluoxetine last year, and i was funny about taking the citalopram ones in 2006 - when i first started them.. and then came off within a couple of months - oops! 

really i nead to LEARN how to keep at the tablets, but i just worried i become too dependant on them, or i be on them a very long time, i have heard about people who have been taking them for well over a decade and there dependant on them etc. maybe i just being paranoid!?

8th December... Outcome...

well as it is written in the post before about my doctors, well the outcome was OK but not again what i expected, i am beginning to think that i am expecting too much from people..?

i am now on Sertraline antidepressants on the 50mg dosage to start, gotta go back in 2 weeks see how i am getting on etc.
im gonna get a referal to see another mental health person within the surgery other than Kevin Pinkney on a friday, as i cannot get a regular appointment seen as how he is so busy and pretty much booked up all the time, i mean i got an appointment on friday (11th december) and i booked that on the 18th november.. thats how bad it is.
so that should then mean that if i am seeing a couple of people about it i got some support there, and i also got some info for the samaratains so again thats another source of help and support.

Still.. i am waiting upon an out come from the bedale centre about the assessment i had.. but i probably will not hear anything now until after christmas i bet! :(
so in the meantime, i will just find someone at the samaratians i can confide in when i need to, have the help from kevin and new person at the surgery .... so hopefully i will have some sort of counciling soon because i cannot continue like this, its not good and i am putting myself aswel as others at risk.. me more than others because i self harm a fair amount and i hardly ever hit out at the person/people that have upset me.

8th December... Doctors

well today i had decided that i should ring the doctors - partly because i forgot to yesterday... with all the upheave that was going on and happening during the course of the afternoon/day.. and then friends popping over as they owed me some pennies and then falling asleep for a couple of hours and then trying to contain my self for evening as i was bored... even tried to work out how to order a pizza but that went down the pan as kept getting confused as to how it works etc.

(never ordered a pizza in my life - as someone else has always done it for me)

i am bit nervous about the doctors this afternoon, as i am positive i am going to get told off or something or moaned at and then talked to etc. because i stopped taking my medications and stuff like that, but this time i think i need it changed as Citalopram wasnt working for me, i couldnt get on with them and nothing changed in the last 2 months hense why i stopped taking them again.

also i am going to have to find out what other support is available to me out there, because the bedale centre have let me down completly over this "assessment" i was meant to have, and i am positive and sure that there is something wrong with me, but it is putting the fingers as to where the problems are and what they are!

some say its:

Borderline Personality Disorder (PDB)

OR
BiPolar (manic depression)

...clearly there are many mental health issues that are out there, other than depression - but it is finding the one that better suits 'me' so i know where i stand, i know whats going on, i have support when i need it, there are people around other than the little family i have around me and my friends to help me. i need professional help and support, but it is finding someone willing to listen and diagnos me and my problems properly.

Hopefully today i should get some more of an idea of what to expect, and hope that i can get the doctors to push the bedale centre, or at least get me in there for a second oppinion!?

...also i need to sort out my money as christmas is now fast approaching, and i cannot afford to have another christmas where i cannot buy my family something.

clearly i should had gone to jobcentre for another crisis loan, but i already took out 2 and i am supposed to be paying them off also, but due to no funds or money coming in they have had to stop - oops!

fingers crossed for a better outcome from the doctors other than what i have receieved from the last few weeks from the bedale centre!

4th December 2..

Well.... what can i say about today!?

1 - i panicked a little .. but i had done most of it yesterday .. so i felt ok managing to get into town for someone to meet me, i did feel like people people were staring, and whilst i was standing in town i felt my body shaking and i was starting to sweat partly because i was hot although i was cold, and also because i was very worried and worried that mum wouldnt be there waiting for me, although i did leave i had to wait and i felt dizzy and panicky and faint whilst i was waiting also, but i did keep talking to my self in my head and tried to keep my self calm.
2 - i was having muscle spasms like tremors whilst i was sitting in the job centre and within minutes of sitting down with my mum, i started coming over hot and dizzy.. i was really nervous!
wasnt too bad, he was just talking about what they can and will do with me to help give me support other than from the jobcentre, and he was nice to me, and even thanked me for coming, because i was debating on cancelling because i couldnt do it but i felt i needed to and it would jeprodise my benefits if not careful. so i had to think of that, so all thats i gotta do is chase up Bedale Centre, get onto the doctors about my tablets, and get them changed over and hope i can get a second opinion.

I do have an appointment with Kevin a bloke from the mental health team at the bedale centre, but i see him at the surgery, so i got to try and be brave for that also, and including going to the doctor to change my anti depressants from citolpram to something better and something that works would be ideal!
my mum was really supportive, and i didnt think she would be that good to be honest, but she did and i am thankfull for her being there for me :) - love you mum -

tonight i have a few plans to pass my evening by on me own, so that should then be a start of getting something sorted out so can tidy up and make house look like house..!

4th December..

well today i am up early after having a bit of a rough night.. but it wasnt too bad i suppose.

anyways today i has an interview thing at the job centre for the benefits ESA its a pathways to work thing, i neeed to be honest and truthal.. and hopefully they will help me more than being on JSA..

admittedly i am very nervous, i have not been out on my own in a while.. ok i aint been out on me own in over 2 months now, i am shaky, nervous, sick, got butterflies, etc.

i have got mum to meet me in town today, so hopefully.. i shouldnt be too bad as long as the old lady DOES meet me and not let me down, but then again this is me mother we are talking about here lol...!!!

will come back once i braved the outside by my self and have sorted out what needs sorting etc. just hope i dont do something drastic on the bus like try and take everyone hostage or something stupid ha ha (kidding)

2nd December

well it is 04:28 that i am now writing this post, i am awake as yet again i cannot sleep.. well admittedly i fell asleep when ever it was we went to sleep.. and then woke up had some peanut butter on toast and got a lot of goodies to eat such as
crisps and biscuits hehe..
i love shortbread and i love chocolate digestives so bought some more tonight **yay**

i aint sure why i cant sleep.. i decided to stop taking my tablets for a little while just to see what they do, i have been having problems sleeping for a while now, so no doubt the tabs wont change that.. but as i have mentioned before in various other posts, that i have been feeling pretty much the same since i started now over 2 months ago.
i am half way my 3rd course of anti depressants which means that i have been on them 10 weeks and nothing has changed.. i may just leave it for a couple of days and see what happens if there is still no change in my mood then the anti depressants i have been given havent worked for the last 10 weeks. which is stupid but my own fault i guess for not saying anything sooner.. although the consultant i saw DID get my dosage up'd to 40mg! i even took two anti depressants the other day because i couldnt remember if i took any, and if i had what would it do.. and it did nothing!!!
couple of weeks ago i tried to overdose on my anti depressants, i was on 20mg and i only had 10 left, which meant i had 200mg of anti depressants inside me and again it did nothing..!! so i dont think that citalopram is really for me actually.. but  as i said i see what happens i guess.

i may attempt to get some sleep again soon.. not sure when and i aint sure how long it will actually last this time, but in a way i am getting fed up with it, in others i aint .. but i am getting slightly frustrated with it in some ways as i kinda like to sleep i dunno why i do but i do lol and well i aint been doing it enough.

i hope i aint turning into an insomniac that be good amongst my depression/bpd or whatever is actually wrong with me but i wont find out until the mental health centre take their fingers out their arses and get in touch......

1st of December

well today is offically the countdown to christmas - oh joy..!

i am so not looking forward to christmas this year if i am honest, just the thought of all the stuff that has been happening over the last few months has just spiraled out of control and i guess i know that it aint gonna be the same again, in some ways i am pleased as mums now happier but dad has just changed, and he doesnt see it we all do but no one seems to know what to do or say i guess?
dad has become really distant, he keeps promissing us kids that he is always gonna be here for us, but when i ring him in need of help he doesnt.. fair enough he has no car, but if he was at my aunt and uncles where he is in fact staying he could've got my uncle to help out or something, but no, dad spends more of his time in reading, and to be honest i dont know why i even bothered to ring him in the first place, completely useless he doesnt get in touch to see if we are ok he just ignores us solidly unless we need his help. it was my brothers birthday a week or so ago, and my dad didnt bother to turn up, didnt buy him a card or a present just told him to contact him and he take dan shopping for something... my poor brother he has autism and he needs a dad, but to our dad we are old enough to get on with our own lives.. well if only he knew the idiot!!!
today has been a rather cold day.. didnt wanna get out of bed for the feel of coldness around the face and fingers etc. admittedly i love the cold side of the bed, but this was just MADNESS it was so freeeezing i have been sitting on the sofa the majority of the day cuddled up under a blanket i have tried to keep the door shut but someone keeps walking in and leaving the blasted thing open letting the heat from the fire out and the cold air in what a numpty *grr*
my sleeping pattern has spiraled out of control.. i just dont seem to sleep well or not enough or i stay up all night now and i just cannot settle its difficult.. in a way i am fed up with telling people because no one listens to me or no one understands, and i think most of it goes back to what happened with the bedale centre on the 18th of november. but i cant help it i just so annoyed still and there is still no word from anyone about what they are going to do for me, so i guess yet again the outcome is NOTHING!!

back to christmas coming.. i am worried about it alot because i have no money again this year, and it is all because i am a idiot and i dont have a job for a stupid fear of being outside and being around people, but again no one listens to that.. anyway i should be getting ESA which i guess i am, just no moneys coming in, really i should pluck up the courage to get in touch with someone but i get so frustrated with their telephone service and the waiting on someone to pick up and help and then trying to explain etc. it again frustrates me even more, which is why in some ways i dont use my mobile much anymore, well partly no credit, and partly no one texts me other than one person and i dont know why he texts me really lol

hopefully i can sort something out for christmas but i am bit worried about the outcome and the coming up to it but i guess we have to be strong for each other, as now it is just my sister, brother and my mum now.. thats it!

30th November...

last night was very bad, was up till gone 8am this morning, i just couldnt settle i was high as a kite in places tired in others and then it just went round and round like a circle for the whole night, i eventually went to sleep took me a while as i was laying there thinking whats the point in going sleep now when i sleep all day blah blah blah although eventually i must had fallen asleep as i woke up to my mobile ringing at around half 12 although it is on silent i heard the vibrations but i couldnt work out what it was, they never rung back so i guess it wasnt important!?
i kept falling asleep waking up falling asleep and waking up most of the time i trying to get some sleep it is madness.. plus what makes matters worse is that i keep waking up various times whilst asleep in a cold or hot sweat but i dont know why.. its only been like it for a few weeks or so i guess.. i not sure!
eventually i got up around 4pm very very bad i am going to do my best to sit up all night tonight and go to sleep bit earlier tomorrow because this is silly.. all i do is sit up half the night because i cant settle or relax myself enough to go to sleep.. plus some nights i get that stupid "im scared to go to sleep" nonsense that comes out now and again .. i just upset myself because i am scared to go to sleep incase something happens to me in my sleep and no one knows or notices anything and well i guess i am afraid of dying.. although what makes the situation daft is that i kinda like self harm sometimes on a regular basis some i dont do for weeks on end and yet i am afraid of death - what is that about!? its stupid and i know that i am stupid and today i really feel like i just a spare part i am in the way of everything and everyone and i feel now that patience are running out with me now and i guess that is also what is scaring me the most.
i have gotten so bad now that when i see someone naked i get all nervous and concious i cant even watch my friend get in and out of the bath i have to hold a towel up over my eyes so i dont see and its just madness i just dont know whats wrong with me anymore, and i really wish that someone could see this and realise there is more to me than what meets the eye!
i am still disapointed and down about my assessment that i had on the 18th of november, as there wasnt really any outcome except for anxiety tabs and talking about getting help with the anxiety its like right, what about the other stuff.. and then said they are going to have a meeting about me and discuss further help they can supply me - which will end up with nothing again i bet!
why do i have to be soo bloody good at hiding everything all the goddamned time it sucks!! why cant i be like one of them people who have no problems expressing themself and letting on how they feel etc. why do i have to constantly sit in my shell and hide myself away all the time!? this seriously sucks now!! and to make matters even worse i have been taking Citalopram anti depressants, i was on 20mg for 2 months, and now i am on 40mg and i been on them over 2 weeks, so basically i am what, 2 and a half months in and i still feel miserable like i do each and every day from the moment i wake up to the moment i go to sleep.. nothing and no one is helping me and it is driving me mad, i really wish that someone cared enough to see me, some of the friends that say are friends bothered with me, rung me up every so often instead of talking to me once and then buggering off and not speaking to me again for months on end, same goes to my family, my grandparents moan i dont see them, aunts and uncles too but they dont see that it aint just me who is in the wrong as they would put it but they are too but no it always goes down on my shoulders, why dont anyone want to see me why dont none of my friends bother with me anymore!? am i that much of a problem that no one wants to be seen with me anymore!? am i that shamefull that no one wants to be with me or see me etc.!?

29th November

Today i am having a very slow day, i have spent it in bed as it is bloody cold out there, and all that i can hear is rain hitting the roof or the windows its kinda annoying as thats all the weather does is rain rain and rain some more.
not that i have a problem of the rain its just its driving me mad its all it does outside and all i can hear! and if it is not the rain it is the poxy winds!
i dunno i guess i am sick of the weather..? and i guess i am sick of what i am doing and who i am and everything?

for the past couple of days i have felt just invisible and unwanted and not needed either, i just see everyone around me happy when i am not in the room and every one getting on it is just awful i guess..
i mean i ruined my relationship, all because i am crap at being a girlfriend crap at being a friend and just generally crap at everything i guess.. i dunno i just wish that whatever i come across etc i ruin, i have caused various problems at home with my family for many years previous and including past relationships.. i dunno maybe i just not worthy of friends or family, i love my family very much, i also love my boyfriend, but i guess he has moved on now, and nothing i can do to change it, i wish i could i really really wish i could, but it is hard to make a difference when you have screwed up so many times before.
i just hope that i aint apart of the reason why my dad left, because he has had to deal with my brother and his autism, and probably cant handle having another child with problems, i mean yeah as i said before we are old enough now to make our own choices etc. but he is still my dad and i really wish my dad cares about me, i mean i rung him up last night, to tell him i needed his help as i ran out of pads due to my monthly thing.. and well he didnt ask how i was, how my brothers doing or even my sister, he just didnt ask a thing, and i guess i just wish i feel needed by someone, but i aint even needed by my own dad.. he has moved on moved out and everything.
i wish i didnt have this burden and i wish i could be normal like everybody else but i guess that aint gonna happen anytime soon.. wish it would do that though..

28th November..

Hello..

I know i have not posted in a few days, but i have had a rough couple of days and im trying to think of new things i can do or make over the internet so i have been busy trying to sort that bit out including doing a bit of work for a friend, well it wasnt so much work, just sorting their reciepts out as they are well over a year behind lol took me 4 and a half hours. still least i made the folder tidy and neat and sorted everything out!

anyways, back to me.

I havent had such a good few days since my brothers birthday, i still havent gone out, i was due to go out this afternoon with my mum as i needed few bits in town, but i just couldnt go! its awful.. i dunno why but i am just so nervous before i leave that i get panic attacks and just want to hide away in doors all the time, i just dont know why or what to do.. i mean christmas is coming, and what with whats going on with my parents i dont know whats going to happen, if dad be home if dad be away.. and i just dont know if it is going to be a good christmas in some respects i guess, in a way i am pretty sure my dad WONT bother with us this year, all because we are all grown up he thinks and feels we dont need him anymore, and well if my dad could see this then maybe he'd actually realise that no matter how old you get you always always ALWAYS need a dad! just because his dad wasnt there for him when he needed him, doesnt mean that we dont need him anymore or anyless.. but hey what can you do - he wont listen to any of us, pretty sad really to be honest, but oh well.. if my dad chooses to not be in touch for over a week since he took me out for my assessment then that is his problem.. i need my dad, yes, but at the end of the day he chose to walk out on us, so at the end of the day that is his loss...!!

god why are men so bloody awful to live with or talk to etc. it is bloody annoying if you ask me! *lol*

other than that side of things i just still dont seem to be myself i keep rowing with everyone again, upsetting people, and generally falling out all the time! its unbelievable i just dont know why i am like this, if i take my tablets then i am as miserable as i was when i started them beginning of october, and if i dont take them i am moody and tetchy and rude and stressy.. very difficult in some respects to be with or anything.. i am trying to cope as much as i can without the stupid Bedale mental health centre - as i am still waiting upon a bloody follow up from the 18th of November!!! my appetite is up and down one min i starving the next i dont wanna eat a thing, i still not sleeping properly and everything, i just wish that someone would bloody help me and give me some idea of what i am doing with myself and some idea of what i am meant to do and how to cope and get the help i need, but for some reason because i hide it all deep in side - very well i might add - that no one seems to believe there is something wrong, i mean yeah so i dont tell everyone how i feeling anymore, i dont open up i hide away for the day on my own in my room or something, but it doesnt mean there aint nothing wrong with me, i write when i depressed, or i keep my diary up to date or at least try, i put all my feelings down on paper or through notepad on the laptop etc. i just wish that someone would bloody help me sometimes. i had printed everything off to try and help explain and they've still not been in touch.. i mean what a lot of help they are.. NOT!!!

ohh i dunno.. i just dont know how much longer i can cope and how much longer it will take before everyone gets fed up with me and starts dropping me like hot potatoes!!

26th November..

well today was my little brothers 17th birthday, its scary really, i mean he is a grown up, he aint my little brother whom my sister and i used to dress up in girls clothes, attempt put make up on him, and put mums bras on him which we then filled up with socks lol those were the days..

i am quite proud of him having a good time, despite our father doing a disapearing act on us and not bothering with us kids much, yeah ok we are all over 16 now so we aint really kids, but no matter how old you get you still require a father, someone to be there for you! so well done for my little brother to stay strong and not let it get to him!

at this birthday tea we had my mum had organised it all, she invited - our sister, Becci her boyfriend Alan, our cousin Amy with her daughter Summer and then of course myself and our mother! it was a lovely evening we had some laughs, and some tears and some moaning *lol* mainly about dad - but that i guess was to be expected?

we took a few pictures, but i doubt my dad will see them as he is never really online much, but hey i guess at the end of the day he is the one missing out, not us, but still i kinda wish he was there whereas in others i do not - strange situation i guess.

i havent been toooo bad today i guess, i have had a few outbursts but that will be due to not taking my tablets until late but i tried hard to hold it together for my brother, even if i did have a breakdown before i left and was very panicky at the start..! strange i am really..

 the rains came down again tonight, pretty hard and there was massive flashes of lightning and really really loud bangs of thunder it was awful the whole house shook up and it felt like the ceilings was gonna cave bcoz it was so loud and close very scarey!

i not big fan of storms and tonight had just made me very shakey and nervous!

24th November 2009

Day 54 (24.11.09)
today i have been really down, i have been thinking too much about giving up again. i just feel like i am letting everyone down and ruining every ones lives. there is not much left for me now i just want to leave, or just die the quickest way possible.
i am never happy anymore, i am never smiley or telling jokes etc.
i am fed up with being the person i am now, i really am! i cant sleep at night because of it, i cant eat proper lately i been over eating which i have never done before, and i just cant get happy within my self anymore.
maybe it is my weight maybe its the boyfriend maybe its my life i don't know what it is that is making me feel like this, i just wish that i could be somewhere where i don't have to upset people and ruin my family and friendships and relationships. there are many people out there dying, and i think of it and it makes me sad, because although they're dying most people make the most of it, but i am alive and miserable, sometimes i wish i could give up my life for someone else, for someone like my sister, to be able to bring her back and for me to take her place would be an amazing thing, or even my nan, bring her back at least my mum will have her mum again, you know stuffs like that!
most people say thy were put on this earth for a reason.. well i wish i knew mine. no one wants me no one acknowledges me etc.
i wanna be like everyone else, be independent be loved be happy be fun be everything i wish i could be instead of being this thing i am now!

it is difficult being in my situation in some ways but i don't really wanna say anything to anyone because it ain't fair on lumbering my problems etc on to someone else and then i feel guilty or feel like i don't want to carry on after telling someone what i said because i guess in some ways i am kinda embarrassed of myself and that actually could be why i hide away from everyone and everything.
I used to be OK, not great not good but OK - and i had a job, admittedly it was only 1 day a week but it still was OK until one day someone decided that they was going to come and cause me problems at work and upset me and what with having to try and control my mental health and my self harming and then with some of the staff which felt like were ganging up on me i just then couldn't handle it any more that something inside just gave up..

i wish i knew what i could do to make this better, and i wish that someone else would help me professionally, but i guess i get turned away again like i always do! :(

Welcome To My Blog.

Hello, and welcome to my blog.
I am new to all this as i have never used a blog site before, and i am going to be doing it based upon me and my problems, so admittedly i am very nervous as i get judged a lot and i often get the mickey taken out of me or bullied - although admittedly i have kept this locked up deep in side now for a while and no one really knows anything about me anymore for i fear of opening up.
But here i will keep an online type diary including the one i have been keeping for the last 2-3 months about myself and my problems, i am not sure if i should start from the beginning by copying and pasting things over to show what i have been doing and going through for the last few months.
I am hoping that if i did this that i could hopefully make new friends, and find people similar to me or having problems like i am to help others and to gain help and support from other people.
I will be adding one big bulk blog with the entries i have been keeping for the last 2 months, so it gives a better understanding of what i have been going through instead of posting 1 and hoping people know,
i shall also post a blog with some information about me, so that would also help you to know more about myself as well as listening and reading about my problems.

I hope to get out of this blog:
- New Friends - if possible
- Gain Help
- Help Others

i hope that you will follow me and comment or do what ever it is you do on the blog sites as i have never used one up till now.