NatraSleep Tablets..

The other night i took a tablet to help me sleep, the NatraSleep ones that you can get online and in most stores - i believe...

But, instead of helping me sleep, i was wide awake for HOURS! couldnt work out why neither, but it wasnt until last night we'd decided to READ the box and it says and i quote:

" DO NOT USE IF YOU ARE SUFFERING FROM DEPRESSION OR ARE TAKING ANTI DEPRESSANT MEDICATION "

Err.. OOPS.. springs to mind!!!

Mind you most of the time i am always checking the box to make sure what you can and cant take for things, but because i was mega stressed out with this moron texting me and winding me up to the point where i exploded.. i couldnt settle or relax! but instead of helping me relax, this tablet kept me up longer i felt like i was high or hyper or something but i had to keep still as hubby needed his sleep .. so i couldnt keep him awake but i CAN assure you it was VERY difficult for me to be quiet or still for a certain amount of time! 

I wanted to listen to my music on my Ipod - but no the music was " too loud " so instead i surfed Facebook on it for a little while, until i got bored of that and decided to start playing a game and then deleted some stuff and found another game to play etc. etc. etc!!

Maybe next time i will either learn to read first, or just not take anything that may effect or have an effect whilst taking the meds... 

The State Of My Life, Is Unbelievable

Well, i am 23 in 2 days (13th) and omg, i am at the same point as i was last bloody year
- no job
- no life
- no family
- no money
- no friends
no nothing!!!!

I dont understand, i was seeing Kevin up till about 2 weeks ago when he decided to tell me that he was going to discharge me because i had to reschedual the last 2 appointments, and i was apparently late for the one i turned up for - the receptionist told me i was booked in for 2pm not 3pm but i swear i was booked in at 3pm ... so that pissed me off pretty much!
So now, since he had not let me know if i had managed to get on the STEPPS programme, nor did i get help from a lady at the surgery called Kirsty, for Anxiety & Depression and now i will not know if i get my stupid assessment for BPD - so it just seems that i wasted all my time and efforts in attempting to sort myself out because of my ectopic, everything has in a way gone down the pan.
On the 15th it would had been 2 months since the date, but 8 weeks on monday just gone since i had the op. and it is a nasty reminder that i cant do anything right... i mean, it has really made me feel like i have the worlds worst amount of luck!
yet i wasnt born on Friday 13th!!! - however my 18th birthday was on a bloody friday!!....maybe thats what done it?
Again, i dont understand what caused this, and weather or not my right fallopian is clear or fine - until i get another one, i guess?
I have been so depressed again the last couple of days because of the state of the way my life is at the moment, and the way things are at home...
I was informed the other day that the house was being Evaluated, to see how much it is worth as it looks like things are getting to the point now where they are going to have to sell the house...!!
I dunno, it just seems and feels like nothing to me is ever simples anymore! lol its crazy, i mean i dont know how i am coping, or how i am plodding along still..but i am!?
I think i might just stick to growing flowers from seeds - and making hanging baskets and stuff with the seeds i own and have bought and growing veggies too, better than nothing... really, right?

Tomorrow i am going to make sure i get up early enough to ring the bloody doctor and get this sorted out, because i for one cannot live like this anymore and i cannot repeat cannot do any of this by myself, really.. i do need help! and yes, i am admitting to it, but it is difficult with my anxiety and agoraphobia that comes and goes ... driving me Nuts!!!

The Trouble Is..

... I Just Cant Bloody Sleeps!

I thought i was doing ok when i fell asleep pretty quick last night around 12am.. until i kept waking in the night and drinking exessivly.. normally i dont bother with drinking especially at night, but for some reason all i keep doing is drinking drinking and drinking! lol
i dunno what it is thats doing this, i feel like i have heartburn alot...?

Not sure if it is the drug i have in my system from the termination i had to recieve.. well start on the 26th of feb i dunno!

1st March

what to say about today....?
had a bad nights sleep... and got up early-ish to go to the hospital for my blood test to see if my hormones are decreasing yet, got my second one thursday and then shall decide if i need the second injection....
and spent the day with the other half in Chichester wondering around bit going in and out of shops

even went to see my mummy at work today =) which was fun!

hasnt been all that bad today, even if i did sit in mcdonalds and i felt sad and i still feel it now writing this, but i should realise and know that i did the right thing, but i still feel and wish that my baby was IN my WOMB and nowhere else and i would be happy and able to say YAY I PREGNANT........... but no!! :(
its hard and i keep upsetting myself half the time, but i just wish that i had my own baby my own chance to do something good and be a mom like everyone else i know!

never thought i would see the day..

..... that i would have to make an awful decision!!!

On the 12th feburay i found i was pregnant.. but i had a bleed.. so i panicked and was told on the phone by doctor to get in touch with A&E and get down there asap.. so as i couldnt get up there i had to call for an ambulence as i wasnt in the right frame of mind in the end.. i was then told that despite the bleed and still having some pregnancy symptoms it was a good sign... so off home i go knowing i AM pregnant...

come the 15th i had my scan booked, excited and nervous to be having it and heartbroken to learn there is nothing in my uterous.. put it down to a possible miscarriage and sent me off for blood tests, wasnt high enough hormones so more blood tests i have, still not high enough so have another one, still not high enough, have my scan 23rd feb, still nothing on the screen possible ectopic with the baby growing in my ovary.. more blood tests.. chance of having a normal pregnancy due to the hormones rocketing, more blood tests hormones rising slowly... scan again 26th feb.. still nothing on scan, so now its confirmed ectopic... 

i was then told that i had two choices .. both of which werent good but i had to choose one....

Injection to kill/stop the cells growing or an operations to remove the cells and be in hospital for 2 days with chances and risks of complications...

so i chose the Injection, i had to terminate the pregnancy, i had no choice.. it was that or death and either way the baby wouldnt grow/survive and i would then be putting myself at risk so i had to do the "right" thing.....

Personally.... the "Termination" hasnt sunk in yet, well not properly.. i keep getting upset now and again in little spurts.. but thats how i am in some respects normally with my BPD.. but yesterday was really hard, and personally i dont know where and how i got the courage to get through all that i have these last 2 weeks.. 

apart of it feels like i have done all this for nothing, and apart of me is a tiny bit glad i got the chance to be pregnant... (due to being sure i was infertile)

So, now, i am in some ways i have my own special little angel ...

despite what others may think or feel about that.. but i was 8weeks and it was a very tiny baby that was in my belly :(

Now, this leaves me with:

more blood tests Monday & Thursday to make sure the hormone levels are decreasing... if not i have another injection next Friday :(

and this now leaves me.. with no pregnancy and no baby :(

You Don't Know What You Got Till It's Gone....

and i found out the hard way!!

on the 1st feb, i woke (startled) to the sounds of my loverly mother shouting there is no internet or phoneline - had been cut off due to no payments from neither my mom, or dad!
so again we had to suffer the consequences of mum n dads divorce thing.. so from the 1st feb to the 4th we had to deal without the net, it was difficult as all we had was our mobiles for the internet, and it pretty much limits itself with what you can go on, so we stuck with Facebook - which was awful especially when it didnt want to always sign in and allow you to do anything on the site *sigh* i can tell you, i had been tempted various times to throw my phone out the window as it was just so frustrating, mainly because we have everything we require and need and want in front of us and we never second think things.
Makes you realise i few things tooo... such as

• how other people cope without
• how other people live without the things we have and they dont
• what its like to not have the things we have grown up with and made major parts of lives

the difficulty of not having them also gives bit more time for family - but in my case it was mainly just myself and my mom, and she spent most of her time moaning about facebook and i spent it watching dvds and trying to play the WII and PS2 as much as i could - but that still wasnt exactly good enough... but still..

Lets just hope now the internet will stay on with us, and we dont have to worry about it again - as selfish as it sounds!

Just A Few Days Left..

Well there aint long left now till Christmas Day, and to be honest i am sooo glad, although i wish it would hurry up and get here, be over and done with and then can move onto the new year.. and hope that it is a new year and a new start.
the last couple of days have been like hell.. monday mum comes back from her weekend away wishing she never came home..
and tonight all hell broke loose, as soon as i stepped out shower all i could hear was shouting and arguing and i was just frozen by the front door i couldnt do anything, it was horrible eventually i went into the front room as was cold and it just continued i screamed for everyone stop shouting and arguing but it didnt do much i just got told of for ' being silly ' never mind the atmosphere and arguements and problems are effecting me.. i am starting to feel like i wish i never come home, although now i have to look into getting my own place to get away from everything and everyone, but i am really scared i never lived on my own and i not sure if i really ready - but at the end of the day i have no choice what so ever, i have to do it i got nothing left and noone left and its driving me insane to the point where i have no where to turn.. no one talk to nothing.
things are never going to be ok and no matter how much i want and try i am never going to get the perfect life and the perfect love i dream about.. all i do at night is cry and cry and cry i got so much running around in my head that i cant keep up with anything..

Nice Weather For Ducks...

Well i woke this morning to find it had snowed some more, not alot just enough to cover outside and make it look whiter.. but by the time i eventually went outside for a cigarette it was just wet and looked icey up the drive, so i guess it had been raining either alot or slightly to give it that 'glazed' icey look?
Still i went out for a cigarette staring at the house wondering what would happen in a few months time, as both mum n dad have different ideas about it all .. and i was thinking what should be done for the best, and well i strongly feel that none of us should have the house, and that we pack it up and move when the time is ready.. for there are loads of memories in this house, good and bad, and well i think that someone else should have their chance on making their memories good or bad hear instead of living in the house from which mum n dad split up in etc.
but i guess thats down to mum n dad at the end of the day, but if either of them had any sense, any sense at all they would do the house up, make it look clean and perfect and then get it evaluated, and then just work out sensibly what to do with it instead of fighting against each other for the house!
i am watching tv and trying really hard to focus and concentrate on the stuff i am meant to be helping my friend on, but what with whats going on around us is just making everything difficult and i feel so uncomfortable here.. its not like a home anymore, partly because i keep leaving and coming back, but more so the atmosphere and the uncomfortableness that has arrised from the parents splitting up and making snide remarks about each other - i just feel as though i am stuck smack bang in the middle all the time it aint fair! :(

Pure Madness...

my my my...!
what a couple of days.. talk about crazy and completly weird.
I still aint coping with my emotions, temper, frustrations, anger etc. its complete madness, i just wish i knew where to start and where i was going what to do etc. but unfortunatly no one sees just what i do go through and it aint fair anymore! i wish someone could just realise and see whats going on and open their eyes and realise that i am not getting better and i do neeed help! - in some respects i cannot moan too much, i mean i am seeing Kevin when i can and he aint too busy and well when i am up for going etc. and now i am waiting on seeing a lady at the surgery who will help with my depression and anxiety side of my problems, whereas i have mentioned a few times before that kevin is my BPD (borderline personality disorder) side of the mental health things!
i cant seem to settle on something at the moment either, i am either trying to keep the relationship from falling apart or i am trying to sabbotage it by causing problems, but i just dont know how to handle these situations and what i need to do in times of crisis's and stuff like that, because for the last few years i have spent every moment of it bottling everything up and then i sit in my room on my own like idiot for hours on end until i feel i can show my face again, i did have counciling once, i saw a lady at bognor hospital when i was 15/16 but that didnt really do much, but where i am afraid to open up half the time, i think i only went 6 times out of the year or something, i just couldnt bare it.. plus i didnt really wanna go to the hospital alone as hospitals are big and scary - people die there etc. - silly i know but it is also true.
i have spent pretty much the last few days believing in things and wanting answers that i aint sure are there, i aint sure if i am just paranoid or there really is something going on and i cant put my finger on what, i just feel like everyone around me is making excuses, lying and covering things up.. but i dont know what or why.
also for the last few weeks, months, i have felt really unwanted, by numberous of people - not that they will agree with me, they think that i being silly etc. but i am sure and positive i am not. i mean if i was wanted why arent people bothering with me anymore, i used to get loads of texts a day - and now the only text i get is from 1 person and thats pretty much it, it is really sad and i feel like failure pretty much all the time, but it is hard when i have spent most of my life trying to make friends, trying to fit in and nothing seems to work and no one seems to be interested even though i have warned people about my problems, but i guess people still think i am a crazy nutty person with no life because i sit in doors all day - but it aint like i want to, really i dont, i just cant face going out alone with no where to go no one to see and what with having aboslutley no money makes it that bit harder.. because even if i did want to go out i cant because i cant do what i really wanted to do! and i cant admit that bcoz its very stupid and crazy and i dont really want people to think worse of me than they do already and it aint fair really.. i am fed up with being judged etc. for having a problem, yeah i have mental health issues.. doesnt mean that i cant have friend etc. since i admitted i had it, i only had one lady talk to me about it, she is called Stephanie, she emailed me from my In A Lonely Place website, and to have someone similar to me, and also in Bognor was a big thing for me, very over whelming i never thought that i would find someone.. and i am happy no exatactic that i have got someone to talk to now, and its just a big scarey world with no idea what i am going to be like from one day to the next, its like someone is living in my head with a switch that gets flicked on and off in my head that makes me be mean, rude, angry, weird, hyper, sad, depressed etc. i just wish there was something i could do or at least someone could do to help me! :(

..this was a random picture i just created using a random status on the application on facebook called Status Shuffle..

oh what a morning..

ok its almost 9am.. and for some reason i am awake, and more miserable and upset than i was yesterday!
i feel today as though i shouldnt had got up, and stayed in bed asleep.. then i wont cause anyone any problems then will i!
..i was meant to have my medical today for my ESA Benefit, but i cancelled as wasnt feeling well and well, because i feel the way i do NOW well way i have been past couple of days, - really depressed.
Yeah, i am awake now, i could had gone blah blah blah - but thing is, i couldnt really find anyone to take me to Portsmouth... silly really, i used to go to Yorkshire, Preston, Didcot, etc. by my self.. and now, a few years later i wont even walk out the front door unless someone is with me! - what the hell is that all about!?
i just dont understand as to how and why i became this, i really really dont! it is mega crazy yet noone seems to understand that, and most people think i should just 'snap out of it' and well maybe the people who feel that should spend the day with me, no wait actually live with me, but funny how they are the people who do not come and see me on a regular occasion, no, they are people now who dont bother at all.
shame really, well more of a shame that all the people who said they would help.. aren't talking me anymore, not texting, or arranging to see me anymore! - yeah so i wouldnt had gone out, but still.. it would be nice to feel wanted bit more then maybe i might actually wanna show my face in society - but until that day comes when i am confident enough to be on my own - i just have to stay alone, isolated with no one to talk to, no one who cares, that sorta thing!
...man i wish i knew how to cope with this BPD thing...!!!

oh what a night..

after surviving on just 3 hours sleep, i am starting to cave..
i am so miserable, so down, stressed, frustrated, annoyed, alone, hurt, fed up everything.. i dont even really have an idea or a clue as to why i feel like this! - it really really sucks..
i felt ok-ish watching A Muppets Christmas Carol - i love the film, its just a shame that in films they make everything and everyone happy.. when it aint always the case in real life.. i guess i kind of wish that my life was a fairytale.. least i would always have a happy ending..right!?
..i dont know what is going to happen with Christmas this year, i mean i am 22, getting old, and christmas just aint what it used to be anymore, i see people all around me with their kids, or having kids, or just generally doing 'alright' for themselves, and there is me, the same idiotic person i always have been and nothing and no one will change that i bet.
a part of me really feels like i dont want this borderline personality disorder, i just cant always handle my emotions or handle the outcome or even know how to deal with them, for the simple reason i aint exactly got my head around everything, it aint sunk in nothing..
i found my friends baby scans and little wrist band things they wear.. and it broke my heart - not that i am jealous - well maybe a little .. but because i know i am never going to have the experience of having a child, i am pretty sure that i cannot have them, so i have not bothered in persuing it because it would only get me down more than i am already, and well people say that when they have a child that it changes them for better and often not, mind you i would be crap looking after someone else, i cant even look after myself half the time! :(
apart of me really wishes i could change all this, and apart of me wants everything to be better, but i am also scared because i will have to do it all on my own, and i aint really sure if i am strong enough to cope anymore. i cant even remember to bring in the milk on a monday/wedensday/friday from outside, i am scared to go out on my own.. and i dont even know why.. and there are numberous things going round and round in and out in and out i just cant deal with all the confusion, emotion and everything else running through my mind..
i picked up a card from the doctors surgery last week, for the Samaratains.. maybe i should get in touch with them and find someone to talk to!? i just feel today that i cannot cope.. and i really strongly feel i am unwanted too..
i just dont understand why tonight all i wanna do is hide away, curl up in a ball n die, and i guess i feel as though i am fading into the background!
..i guess i wish i had friends, someone to talk to, someone to keep me sane, someone to help me.. i even tried posting out a link to a group page i made up on facebook about my problems and to seek help in other people and for them to gain help from me etc. but most of the friends on my facebook list just declined the page without taking a look or having a second thought, even the people i knew and used to hang out with months ago do not bother with me anymore, and why...? i aint got a clue, one girl said she come over for the afternoon/evening and spend time with me catch up etc. and she said she was going to the shop, within half an hour she claimed she was ill and had to go back to bed.. and i have not spoke to her since.. and this was around a couple of months ago now!
...why am i such a threat or why cant people stand to be around me anymore?! really feel out of place and lonely no matter where i am or who i am with! :(

13th december - 5 months till i 23!!

oh dear, i realized that today is exactly 5 months now till my 23rd birthday.. how bad does that suck!?
i mean, i look at my self now and what i used to be like and i just feel like a failure each and every year!! nothing ever changes for me, i am still the same idiot who jacked her job in because of the problems i was having in my personal life and the ones at work i was picked on by a couple of people and i still don't know why till this day why they did what they did .. so thanks to them i lost my confidence and i ended up ruining all the chances i had at card factory, but i would had ended up being sacked if i hadn't had left, i know i would had been because i kept getting into trouble and i kept having head office 'keeping an eye on me' etc.
i have now been out of a job for over a year now, and when i think about getting back into the 'retail' role or working again i panic, because i messed up whilst i was at card factory, how many more times am i gonna fuck up my working life..!?
i am scared that i am going to sacked or more problems will arise whilst i work and it will then again knock my confidence out again and i have a very low self esteem and very low self worth, i just really am hoping i could be like everyone else.. everyone i know is:
Married, has kids, has a decent relationship with no problems, pregnant, has a life - etc.
i just wish i could fit in i guess, i mean i feel so alone and scared all the time, i just wish that there was something or someone that could make me and everything feel million times better, and may actually want to make my life worth living and stuff.. but it just sucks because i am to scared to do something about it.
which is why i am on ESA - employment support allowance - they are meant to help people like me get back into work and hopefully they will help me more than what being on JSA - job seekers allowance - was, as they wasn't interested in anything but finding out information and signing book and your on your way...
maybe i am asking too much of people, and asking everyone to help me when i should be able to help myself, i just feel so dependable on one other person to be there for me to help me when i fall and be there when i need them,
why have i become this!? it sucks!

Kevin .. I Guess You Can Call Him My Counsiler?

today was my appointment to see Kevin at our doctors surgery.
i didnt really want to go i just felt so let down by the bedale centre that i couldnt really face going... but me mom made me go *sigh*
we were late because of traffic.. my appointment was at 3:20pm and i was not seen until 4pm to which took an hour..!
i told him what had been going on over the last few weeks, he asked me why i stopped taking my citalopram anti depressants - so i told him what i felt and that they were not working for me..
also admitted i ask for further help from the surgery - but again i got upset because i didnt actually know what i wanted the help for or why.. was very difficult for me 2 explain.
he had also told me that the bedale centre had written to the gp and not me, saying something along the line of:
"samantha is showing traits to bpd and has trauma from the past. i feel that samantha will not require no more help from bedale unless stated otherwise she can be refered back if cause for concern"
i was really annoyed.. everyone say its clear i have bpd from how i act, what i do and how i behave etc. but for some reason the 'consultant' thinks and feels different otherwise.
i have to look up about a programe called STEPPS which is a course with the bedale centre to help with my problems and i guess learn!? to be honest i have not got much clue about it, until i read up on it!
was bit emotional with it all today.
i bought some more chocolate, not alot mind as i gave some 2 my sister and my mum for helping me and taking me up the sugery.
been chilling out as much as i could this evening, and just kept myself to my self.. had chinese for tea - well kind of chinese i had was just chicken balls and chips and thats all i seem to want to eat from the Chinese we go to now lol so i am happy with chicken balls and chips! - seriously beigninning to think i am a very cheap date lol

the thoughts of christmas..

well the thoughts of christmas are very slowly catching up with me.
I was sitting in the lounge the other night thinking, why aint the decs up - every other house is done, and they have been decorating for xmas during November! so i wonder when someone put them up!?
...then i realised that yesterday was 9th december, our traditions as a family since 1992 was, every year on the 9th december the decs went up, because thats when our brother come home from the hosptial, as he was 5 weeks prem. they bought him home that day and the decs were put up from him to come to 'christmas' as in a way it was his first christmas.. so since this day in 92 the decs went up... except now what with dad spending more time in Reading with his little GIRLfriend.. he hasnt bothered with us, or the house - despite the toilet actually leaking - he didnt bother to fix and left it. if only he would see that he has changed and realise he is being a wanker then things might be better, but because he doesnt think about us, its all bout the 16 year old me, and my brother and sister and the house are getting pushed aside..
so i was thinking again last night that - oh god the decs should be up by now - and they wasnt, still arent now! really, this christmas is going to be really really crap and there is just going to be:
me, mum and my brother i bet! my sister will be there for a while as she will then spend some of the day with her boyfriend and his boyfriends mum (it will be the first xmas with out alans dad - so going to be tough on them this year bless them!) - on the other hand we could get invited elsewhere - but then what would we do, leave mum all on her own for christmas, or stay with her at christmas and it being quiet - with us all on our laptops and computers ignoring each other, as christmas will be just an ordinary day in our house due to the problems etc that are arrising each day!!
maybe i wish things were the same, maybe i wish they wasnt! but at least mum n dad are happier without being together is the main thing, just now, we have to see what will happen with the house, as i have a feeling once it is fixed and done up properly, will they then sell it, split the money and one will go one way and one will go the other - its a shame really.. i mean they did this to us when i was what, 12 and moved me out of the first house, and now 10 years on they are doing it again!!!
i really am gonna feel so sorry for my brother to be honest, as he is gonna end up having to choose in some respects .. but i guess he prob stay with mum seen as how he is rude and off with him lol mind you dad has now turned into a wanker - and to be honest i wish he would bloody see this because i am sick to death of the way he treats this little girl and doesnt treat us - NOT FAIR YOU HEAR!?
..well he aint gonna read because he aint interested!

Relationships..

I have a bad history of friendship and relationships..
i tend to fall out with people quite quickly, which again makes things difficult. i have had 3 serious 'boyfriends' in the last 4 years, and each one of them has been pretty much messed up, i am constantly jealous because i know there is better than me out there, so instead of trying to comepete with that anymore, i give up and think whats the point in trying when i never seem to 'win' or come out on top!?
over the last god knows how many years, i have found it hard to interact with people and find it hard to keep and make friends, i used to have to follow teachers around at school which i had done this from a very young age, from i believe i was 5 when i first started infants school is when i started doing it, and things went down hill from there i guess..
i am now 22 and i still to this day have difficulty with friends, people pretty much 'give up' on me because of my attitude and how i act and i guess in a way i can treat people pretty bad, but i dont mean to but i think it because of what i have been used to and bought up knowing from my experiences. either way i am not sure on why or what made this happen to me.
The bedale centre which is our local mental health centre said they would get in touch and let me know what their outcome was for me, and this was said on the 18th of november, ok fair enough it is only what the 7th now, but it is still frustrating on wanting to know the outcome of everything..
People have been offering to help me well some people have been offering to help me, but again i back out because i am worried about letting people know too much for fears of hurting more people other than the ones who already have to put up with me and my behaviours.