Saturday, July 28

Computers & Technology Are So Frustrating...

So I went to use my external hard drive the other day and found that it would not turn on! I tried changing plugs around and seeing if that made a difference, but apparently not! I paid out for a new USB cable as I found my old one became quite loose, but no even with the new cable it didn't want to turn on! It was suggested to pick up a standard 12v power supply so I picked up a multi head one just in case I brought the wrong size!
New power cable came today but it looks like paying out for a new power cable has helped! I tried the different heads and none of them seem to be working and I am now stumped as to why.. It worked a few weeks ago when I last used it and I am usually very careful with how I look after and store it.

I am not sure what to do at the moment as I am now worried that I cannot get into my hard drive and scared that I have lost everything because my drive is full of pictures of my Nephews and Godson from when they were babies up till now :(

Please let me find some answers and I can get back into my hard drive

Thursday, July 26

Thinking About Graphic Design...

Over the years I have learnt to do so much with my laptop. One of them being Glitter Graphics! I found these years ago when I also got into the Doll Graphics that you used to be able to make up, this was something that interested me, so I found different websites that do these said graphics and I learnt how to use Paint Shop Pro & Animation Shop! Love these programs and are so much fun!

Glitter fills are little rectangles of colour with some kind of sparkle added to them, you open these up in Animation Shop and copy each layer over to PSP and paint certain parts of the graphic you are creating and then put them back into Animation Shop to animate them and your done!

I loved doing these, and I even managed to make different Disney Cliparts glitter! It was soo much fun! This was all done before Facebook took off and these graphics were used on websites called Bebo & Myspace! I enjoyed making the different layouts for Bebo & Myspace for myself and others, it was so much fun! Funny when you think about it now and that Bebo & Myspace longer exists pretty much!

When I joined Facebook none of the glitter stuff could be shared, you can now share gif's though so who knows maybe in the future they can be added to be used on there ;)
After a few years of having basic profiles they added Timeline Banners! Which meant you could have any picture you wanted displayed on your profile! This was great, because you could put any photograph etc up!
I came across the Angel Mum Community in 2010 when I lost my baby due to Ectopic Pregnancy and found that there was many pages out there that made graphics for Angels and I joined a few and made a few friends and then after a while I decided that I was going to do the same! I already knew how to make layouts for Myspace & Bebo, I was confident in what I was doing and I enjoyed making different pictures etc.
Only issue I had when I solely worked on Angel Graphics I never realized how difficult it would be when you see how many people have lost beautiful angels as well, I have to admit I did struggle a little, but then I decided that I was going to introduce other kinds of graphics which helped.
I have to admit I have had loads of different pages made up over the years because drama found me and I had to close down pages and open up new ones, or I decided I wanted to create a different name which is something I did quite often lol

I have not done any kind of designing in years, mainly because I didn't have the internet for the last 4-5 yrs until I moved into my own place and now having Internet I decided that it was time to pick it back up again! Only issue is, when I went to plug my hard drive in to see what I have on my hard drive to re-create or bring back it wouldn't work! Thought it was my USB lead so I brought a new one and still nothing! Today I looked at the plug again as I needed to know what cable to buy I noticed that some of the copper wires inside the cable had broken! Which explains why it doesn't wanna turn on, but it was odd because the plug was still getting hot? I ordered a new cable today so gotta wait for that to come then I can hopefully get into my hard drive!
Looking forward to doing some more designing again as I have been wanting to design stuff but as I said no internet so I didn't do anything about it, till now...

Thursday, July 19

Insomnia Sucks...

For a while I have been having problems sleeping, but it seems to have got worse recently! I can't sleep at night, I am often awake till 2am sometimes later.
What's more confusing is that I was prescribed Promethazine by a Doctor at my local Mental Health Center to take as and when I need them, but I was also told by one of the ladies I am seeing that I shouldn't keep taking any medication and I should just do the "Sleep Hygiene" we talked about in sessions.
So I am constantly arguing with myself at night with trying not too take my tablets and trying this "Sleep Hygiene" but it's not working! This heat isn't helping, even with my windows open at night and using a fan but I try not to keep it on because I don't wanna use up too much electricity..

My evening routine is this:
9pm I take my medication (Mirtazpine & Quetiapine)
10pm I start getting ready for bed
11pm (sometimes earlier) I put Family Guy on ITV2 it varies what time it's on! I have that on for an hour and turn over to ITV2+1!
But recently, my telly doesn't seem to want to allow ITV2+1 so I have to watch what I watch then put my Playstation on so I can watch Family Guy & American Dad on Fox.. Sometimes I have to change it and find a movie to put on instead because the internet crashes or the live streaming isn't working!

Think the issues with my routine being messed up with ITV2+1 doesn't really help much, but I can't change that. I don't want to have Sky, plus where I am in a flat I cannot have Sky so I chose to get my PS3 and use the Sky App on my Dads account.

I am doing the best that I can with all this and all my issues and the heat, but it is knocking me back a little! Especially since if I am awake till 3am or later and when I finally fall asleep it's interupted sleep and I wake up at 1pm or 2pm and this isn't good!

Wednesday, July 18

Google+...

Just found out that ALL my blogs are sharing to my Google Plus and the worst part is everything that get's shared on my page is Public!!

Obviously my idea and point of writing these different blogs I own is because it is supposed to reach people and hopefully help people, but didn't expect to see it all on my Google Plus account!
I don't use it, I think I set it up because of the issue that people were having with Facebook years ago but I never worked out how to use Google Plus properly so I left it.

Not much on there, it's just gonna take a while to delete different posts! Booooooo

The Mental Health System & Me..

Well what can I say, Me and the Mental Health System do not get on!!

In previous blogs I posed about seeing a guy called Kevin, and didn't realise how wrong he was for me in the years that I saw him! He wasn't a great guy and the more I remember of him and what he did and say has made me question why I even saw him in the first place!!
He was the one who said that I have BPD but when I questioned it and asked for the diagnosis he would turn around and tell me that I don't need my diagnosis because if I did, I would dwell on it.. DWELL ON IT?? I just wanted to know what was wrong with me!

It took me a few years before I found out my actual diagnosis was right, it was BPD back in 2009 (if I remember rightly) when I had my 1st appointment at Bedale.

Over the years I have been on loads of different medication, Citalopram, Fluoxetine, Sertraline, Mirtazapine, Amitripyline, Quetiapine and I have now been told to take Promethazine for insomnia!

Worst part is, I had a Bedale appointment back in May because I feel my medication is not working and I was struggling with the death of my Grandfather. But the outcome wasn't what I was hoping or expecting! I have been discharged from the Dr I saw and he expects me to come off my medication in 6 months time! 6 MONTHS TIME!? I am not sure which one they want to take me off of as I am currently taking Mirtazpine (45mg) and Quetiapine (300mg) but he has said that I can continue taking Promethazine for my Insomnia.

My diagnosis is now known as EUPD (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder) which I HATE I prefer to refer myself as having BPD.
Funny thing is, in different parts of the UK where I talk to different friends on FB they have a BPD diagnosis, but me and my bestie from Brighton has the EUPD diagnosis?

On top of my BPD I have also got Anxiety issues, Depression and now Insomnia!

Monday, July 9

R.I.P Grandad 09.01.39 to 29.12.17

I have been wanting to post this for a while but been finding the right words to put or say. I wasn't allowed to put any of this on Facebook because it was private which is understandable and I did let a few people that I am close too on Facebook in messenger. All I did was change my profile picture to a picture of me and Grandad when I was a baby.

My whole life fell apart when my Grandad had passed away, it was so weird because I got the call to say that he was in hospital and I needed to get there asap and so I did but I was so scared as didn't know what to expect as have been here a few times with Grandad not doing so well in hospital.
I got there and he was sleeping and everyone was there, Grandads Sister, my Nan, my Auntie & Uncle and 3 Cousins, 2 of them had their girlfriend there and the other had their fiancee with her and then my other Aunt & Cousin was there as well so it was a room full. My dad and his wife were on their way back from Sweden that evening and my brother and sister were unable to get up to the hospital to see him.
Doctors were in and out all day and it was strange because Grandad had woke up, he was talking telling us about his dream he just had about him dying and we were all there with him, he had a laugh and a joke and even does what he does best, farting away! That was until he asked to use a commode to go to the toilet and that's when he changed, he just slept everyone other than my Nan, me one of my cousins and Grandad's sister left to get some fresh air and sort some bits out. Grandad's Sister tried talking to him but he was mumbling and couldn't understand him but I could just work out what he was saying.
It came to about 6pm that evening and everyone went home, but I wanted to stay a little while longer and my friend said she would come and get me when I am ready. So we sat in silence, I sat next to him holding his hand and stroking it and looking at him and now looking back I wish I said more to him whilst he was sleeping. As I was leaving I let one of his nurses know that I was leaving and everyone else had gone, and I watched him close his blinds and then he shut the door and walked off.

Next morning was a massive shock as I woke up that morning with my mum calling me saying Grandad had died, I was like what no one has said anything to me and with that I got off the phone to my mum and rung my dad and he then told me on the phone that morning that he had died and that was it my heart broke into millions of pieces and I broke down.. After he got off the phone with me he rung my sister and my brother and they were calling and texting me to see how I was because I have always been close with my grandparents and saw them when I could. I was not happy because everyone else knew before me as my dad didn't want to ring me when it happened even though my Aunt & Uncle knew to ring me! Wish I had known at the time not through my mum because another family member was told before me.

On Grandad's Birthday it was arranged for us to go and see Grandad in the Funeral Home. I wasn't sure about going all day I was debating with myself about whether I should go through this especially with my Mental Health the way it is, I wondered if it would taint my memories of Grandad seeing him etc. I just assumed it was me and my Dad but it wasn't till I got there that my Nan, Grandad's Sister, Dad, Auntie & Uncle And 1 of my Cousins would be there.
I managed to go through I was really scared, but we were all together we didn't go in 1 by 1 which was handy because we weren't alone. My Nan struggled and So did his Sister. I was scared to go near the coffin :( I just looked at him and he looked so peaceful which is something I have never seen in him before.. And I just stood there crying and we looked at the pictures that they printed off of us all that he had in his hand and in the other one they had a packet of XXX mints as he ate them constantly. He had his favourite cardigan on etc. They also added birthday cards, Christmas Cards that they never got to give him. I made a joke about using up all the tissues and I some how managed to do that and I was so embarrassed but it kinda helped the atmosphere a little..
All I could think of standing there was pushing him to wake him up :(

The weeks leading up to his funeral were difficult. I had asked to say something at the funeral as did one of my Cousins and my Auntie wanted to say something too.
I sat here and worked out all the right things to say or what I could say and tried to remember all the things that we talked about and things he never let me live down. So I sat here and typed up what I wanted to say and I had it printed. I didn't really read it properly I just wrote it and asked my friends dad to print it out for me.
We all met at Nan's before the funeral because of working out who was going in what car and who with. There was at least 4 cars that followed the Hearse to the Church. I was so nervous before the service and as soon as I saw the Hearse's reflection in one of the windows of the mobile homes I broke down :(
My brother offered to help old the coffin along with my Cousin's Fiance he offered to do it as well. So proud of my brother for being brave to say he would help.
I some how managed to read what I wanted to say. But when I showed them my writing they said that they didn't realise how much I had written, turned out I read my Eulogy out really fast so they couldn't quite understand me! But I did it I cried after I read it though!
Once the Church service was over we had to meet the Funeral Car out the front so they could take that to the Graveyard. As Nan lent over to touch the coffin a beautiful butterfly flew over as she did it and I have never forgot about that either.
We walked round to the graveyard where he was placed ready to be buried and we stood around and listened to the rest of the service and as it ended all our family members took some mud and threw it on the coffin.. I was so embarrassed as I wore my wedges as they was smarter than wearing my Lee Cooper canvas shoes and I almost fell in because my shoe got stuck! I was so scared at that second because I thought he would have either ended up with me or my shoe.. Shame the ground wasn't so soft but it had been raining a few days before hand.
After the funeral we went back to my Nan's where we had some food and celebrated his life! I had a few drinks and stayed outside for most of it as I wasn't sure about the space and I had been smoking with one of my Cousin's he offered me some fags after the service.

I will always love and miss you Grandad <3 p="">