Today 1st November I had another check up with my doctors to see how I am getting on without the Venlafaxine and see how I am getting on with just taking my Quetiapine.
I got stressed as again the buses were up the shoot again like they were when I last went to the doctors 2 weeks ago for my last check up. Luckily my friend was at home as I asked if she could come get me because although I had left a little earlier this time I was still waiting almost 30mins for a bus!
When I got there there was a few people waiting and more people came along and asked if they had missed the bus to which someone else replied saying that they don't know whats going on as the bus hasn't turned up! It eventually turned up when I got picked up, but it was the bus that goes the long way around which meant that I would be late for my appointment.
As it happened I managed to get there on time but if it wasn't for her I wouldn't have got there.
My doctor called me in and I explained that since I had seen her I have gone out a bit more and that my feelings had come back. Not Monday gone (28th October) the one before which would've been the 21st October I managed to go to my sisters and saw her and the boys and told her what had happened and why I was struggling etc. and eventually we were laughing and joking and I knew that I was starting to feel myself. But it has only been within the last week that I have been crying again but I am glad because it means that all my feelings are coming back which I was thankful for.
She mentioned that she is still reluctant to put me back on the Mirtazapine which is fine, but she did want me to come off the Quetiapine or at least reduce it down. I said not at the moment because I still need something to help as although I am still struggling with sleeping I don't think I will be ready to come off it. So we agreed that I'd give it a couple of months at least with just taking the Quetiapine and taking the Promethazine less or not at all which is what I pretty much do any way.. She went to give me some more information on Insomnia but I think she gave me it recently so I told her to not worry about printing it, plus I could look it up myself if I need to.
Only other thing she has suggested is doing a little more exercise even if I just go for a walk around the block and to eat a little healthier. I did admit that I brought myself some strawberries plums and grapes but I should really add some more vegetables as well. Only time I've really been eating it recently is eating vegetable soup which I really enjoy..
I got told that I need to change my surroundings but issue is I live in a studio flat I don't have my bedroom separate but she suggested maybe adding a curtain to try and separate it which may or may not work but I do not really have any room for a proper chair although I am considering seeing if I could find somewhere else to sit instead of on my bed all the time.
Oh and I need to stop the stimulations as well which means no telly on whilst I am trying to sleep - that in itself is gonna be hard as it is my routine. Not that I actually watch it lol but I did mention that years ago I had a whale and dolphin CD that plays the sounds of the sea and clicks from the dolphins as well as relaxing music in the background. So I need to find that and try that again and see if that will help. Meditation she suggested as well which I am going to look into. I said I use wax melts a lot during day and often in evening so concentrating on the smells is a distraction. I am fed up with the insomnia but half the time I cannot help it but I am more with it and alert more at night than I am during day it's weird..
Friday, November 1
Sometimes I Wonder Why I Bother...
So, growing up I never really had any proper friends. I used to have people offer to be here for me and talk to whenever I needed too.. I started to put my trust into people and one day it all changed.
Basically the person in question did the usual I am here if you ever need to talk to someone etc etc etc and so I was having a few issues and he was online and asked me how I was and I opened up and admitted that I was struggling and he turned on me and I was distraught and heartbroken and said to him that you said I could talk to you if I needed too and then he continued to have a go at me and blocked me on MSN Messenger. I was so upset and confused that I just didn't know what to do. Except just let this blow over. He never spoke to me again not even at school.
Since that moment I had decided that I was never going to open up to anyone again and I didn't very often, I kept everything to myself because I also realized that people just don't really care. They can tell you they do, but in reality do they?
I then decided that I was going to make sure that no one else felt the way that I did again because it wasn't nice and it wasn't fair as there are genuine people out there who do need someone and despite all my issues and problems I always make sure that everyone else is ok.
Although, this time I am wondering why I bother being there for people especially my so called best friends because I spend time making sure that they're ok and I will do what I can to help them..
But, what happens when it comes to me? I can tell you what happens, nothing. I was having a hard time recently with the change in my medication and trying something new and the only person who was there for me was my mum. Granted I did not tell my sister or my brother what was going on. But I did that because my sister has 3 kids my nephews and I didn't want her to worry about me when she already has the kids to look after, but I did speak to her a couple times and then eventually opened up as soon as I saw her which was the Monday after my doctors appointment which was 2 weeks ago. My so called friends knew as one of them I look after her kids for on a Tuesday and it just felt like no one believed me. Eventually she came back and said that she was worried about me as I wasn't myself and said to her point blank that it was what I had been telling her but she didn't listen!
Think its time for me to be selective on who I talk to now saves getting hurt even more..
Basically the person in question did the usual I am here if you ever need to talk to someone etc etc etc and so I was having a few issues and he was online and asked me how I was and I opened up and admitted that I was struggling and he turned on me and I was distraught and heartbroken and said to him that you said I could talk to you if I needed too and then he continued to have a go at me and blocked me on MSN Messenger. I was so upset and confused that I just didn't know what to do. Except just let this blow over. He never spoke to me again not even at school.
Since that moment I had decided that I was never going to open up to anyone again and I didn't very often, I kept everything to myself because I also realized that people just don't really care. They can tell you they do, but in reality do they?
I then decided that I was going to make sure that no one else felt the way that I did again because it wasn't nice and it wasn't fair as there are genuine people out there who do need someone and despite all my issues and problems I always make sure that everyone else is ok.
Although, this time I am wondering why I bother being there for people especially my so called best friends because I spend time making sure that they're ok and I will do what I can to help them..
But, what happens when it comes to me? I can tell you what happens, nothing. I was having a hard time recently with the change in my medication and trying something new and the only person who was there for me was my mum. Granted I did not tell my sister or my brother what was going on. But I did that because my sister has 3 kids my nephews and I didn't want her to worry about me when she already has the kids to look after, but I did speak to her a couple times and then eventually opened up as soon as I saw her which was the Monday after my doctors appointment which was 2 weeks ago. My so called friends knew as one of them I look after her kids for on a Tuesday and it just felt like no one believed me. Eventually she came back and said that she was worried about me as I wasn't myself and said to her point blank that it was what I had been telling her but she didn't listen!
Think its time for me to be selective on who I talk to now saves getting hurt even more..
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