At the beginning of the month I had wrote a post about coming off my Mirtazapine tablets to try something new called Venlafaxine. Within a few days of taking the new meds I had a couple of side effects which I thought at first was a good thing and then all of a sudden I had lost myself and the side effects had got worse and got to the point where I couldn't look after myself properly.
The side effects I had were
- Sweating
- Dry Mouth
- Feeling Sleepy
- Trouble Sleeping
- Feeling Sick
These side effects were awful. I already have trouble sleeping as I have Insomnia amongst other things but it got to the point where I was falling asleep gone 4 often 5 or 6am in the morning. I was still waking up around 9am or 11am when my alarm goes off but I was constantly tired and it got to the point where I wasn't really eating anything during the day. I didn't see anyone for 2 weeks except for my mum she had popped round to see me and brought me shopping when I needed it. All I asked her to get me was soup and bread and a few goodies like doughnuts and cake and crisps. I don't know what I would've done if my mum hadn't come round to check on me and help me.
With the sweating I found myself spending days without clothes on because it was the only way I felt cooler.
I had my check up on Friday 18th and it was so stressful. I had a bit of a meltdown before I went to the doctors because I had to go by myself, my mum had agreed to meet me in the end so I had to walk to my sisters as that is where she was. I wore my coat because it was raining on and off but found myself really hot even though I just had a tshirt on underneath I thought I'd be fine but I really wasn't. I had waited for almost 25mins for a bus to take us to the doctor and where it was late I was stressing myself and worrying I wouldn't make the doctors on time. So my mum said to ring them and let them know that I am running a little late. Issue was when the bus finally came it was the one that goes the long way around Bersted and whilst I was in the call queue the bus eventually turned up so I let them know I would be running late and explained the buses were late and then the receptionist turned around and said that my Doctor was running a full clinic and if I am more than 5 mins late the doctor will make me as DNA (did not attend) and it would be down to the doctor if she would see me or not. With being stressed and worried about the buses being late I then got more stressed worrying about how long it will take the bus to go to the doctors and then when we got there just before 2:30 which was the time of my appointment my mum and I rushed as fast as my legs would take me to walk down the road. My legs started to feel like jelly as we were just outside the doctors so I checked I could sign myself in on the screen luckily I still could and then sat down and waited to be called in. Luckily I had made it just in time to my appointment.
I told my doctor about everything I have gone through the last 2 weeks with not being able to cope with all the side effects. I told her what I had and how bad it had got for me. I hate to admit it but it got so bad that I no longer did anything I didn't even shower either every day or every other day I didn't really eat anything and even my doctor could see that I wasn't myself as I have seen her 3 or 4 times now so she noticed that I wasn't myself. She told me there and then to stop taking the medication and just take the Quetiapine at night like I normally do. She did mention Promethazine to help with me sleeping and I said I already take those. Bedale had prescribed them to me last year when I had my last appointment there and I had mentioned that I had been taking the Promethazine at the same time as the Quetiapine whilst I was taking the Venlafaxine but it made no difference.
It's crazy how a lower dose of medication counteracted the other medication which is a higher dose.
I am a little disappointed with all of this and unfortunately I cannot get the last 2 weeks back but I am so glad that my family are so understanding with how I have been feeling and haven't pushed me to do something that won't help.
Yesterday which was Monday 21st October I managed to go out. My mum met me after I got out the shower and we were going to go to town but I didn't want to go in the end so I told mum that I only wanted a new saucepan and asked if she would mind if I just went to my sisters first and she was fine with that.
It felt so good to be able to get out I saw my sister and my littlest nephew and waited for my middle nephew to finish school and then my eldest nephew does football after school on a Monday so I waited to see him too. It felt great to see my sister and my gorgeous nephews. I have missed them all so much I felt bad for not being around but I couldn't force myself to do something I could not do.
I also managed to do a little shopping last night too. I got myself BBQ Pulled Pork and Cheesy Mash from Tesco for my dinner last night and grabbed a few other bits I needed like micro meals more soup and got a few cakey bits too. I didn't get no crisps because I had forgotten that I didn't have any left lol but it's fine. But I have enough food to last me a week or so.
As for the doctors I have an appointment in 2-3 weeks time to see how I am getting on with just the Quetiapine and Promethazine. I can go back on the Mirtazapine IF I want too but at the moment my doctor wants to see how I get on without those ones which is fine.
Showing posts with label antidepressants. Show all posts
Showing posts with label antidepressants. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 22
Sunday, September 29
It's Been A While Again.. I Must Keep This Updated Often...
I have been neglecting my blog again by accident. I was planning on writing to this every chance I got but I got distracted with sorting out other blogs and other pages that this one hasn't been touched in almost a year and this is not good.
A few things have changed since I wrote my last entry, I no longer see Suzanne who I wrote about in the past, those sessions ended earlier this year. I was also seeing a lady called Anna whilst I was having my sessions with Suzanne but again I no longer see her, that has been more recent though, Anna left as she changed jobs which was a massive shock to me especially with my sessions ending with Suzanne it was quite a lot to take in. But I have now been partnered up with a lady called Michelle now and I have had 2 or 3 appointments with her. I am quite lucky really because she understands the EUPD/BPD as she has it herself so it is a huge relief being paired with someone who understands and knows what I am going through. Although a part of me thinks that maybe I should've been partnered up with her before, but it's fine.
Today I have also been sorting out my laptop as I brought it off someone on Facebook I was meant to be getting a brand new one, but the ones I find that are suitable keep going out of stock so this was the quickest and best way to do it. My laptop I've had for the last 6 years has now died which is frustrating but at least I was able to plug my hard drive into my old laptop which belongs to Tim so luckily I could use that for a week. I was so worried I'd never get the info off it but I did get majority off it thankfully..
I had another medication review a few months back now as I am still struggling with the Quetiapine and Mirtazapine so I wanted to find out if anything can be done. But my doctor had to contact Bedale which is our local mental health center to see whether they can see me or adjust my medication. I was also asked to contact Suzanne about it and see if she could help me get an appointment but all she said back to me was to talk to Anna and then Anna rang me and felt like she wasn't impressed to hear that I wanted to sort my medication out. So I ended up leaving it until I contacted my doctor again in August to talk about my medication and we had a chat over the phone and Bedale still want me to come off my medication which isn't helpful. Granted I feel they're not working and that I still feel the same so she mentioned a new medication to try so I said I'd happily come off the Mirtazapine to try something different. For the last 3 weeks I have been taking a lower dose, started off doing 1 week on 30mg and then the last 2 I've taken the 15mg. I took my last Mirtazapine Thursday night and picked up my new medication called Venlafaxine. I took my usual Quetiapine Friday night and decided that I was going to start my Venlafaxine today because I didn't want to risk being out somewhere and getting ill from the new meds as I am not sure how they're going to affect me
Granted, I took the new tablet after 12pm when I had my lunch and so far I feel fine and that was almost 3 hours ago.
I have a follow up appointment booked in 3 weeks time to see how I am getting on with these tablets and then talk about possibly coming off the Quetiapine as well. But I am not going to worry about that for a while now.
A few things have changed since I wrote my last entry, I no longer see Suzanne who I wrote about in the past, those sessions ended earlier this year. I was also seeing a lady called Anna whilst I was having my sessions with Suzanne but again I no longer see her, that has been more recent though, Anna left as she changed jobs which was a massive shock to me especially with my sessions ending with Suzanne it was quite a lot to take in. But I have now been partnered up with a lady called Michelle now and I have had 2 or 3 appointments with her. I am quite lucky really because she understands the EUPD/BPD as she has it herself so it is a huge relief being paired with someone who understands and knows what I am going through. Although a part of me thinks that maybe I should've been partnered up with her before, but it's fine.
Today I have also been sorting out my laptop as I brought it off someone on Facebook I was meant to be getting a brand new one, but the ones I find that are suitable keep going out of stock so this was the quickest and best way to do it. My laptop I've had for the last 6 years has now died which is frustrating but at least I was able to plug my hard drive into my old laptop which belongs to Tim so luckily I could use that for a week. I was so worried I'd never get the info off it but I did get majority off it thankfully..
I had another medication review a few months back now as I am still struggling with the Quetiapine and Mirtazapine so I wanted to find out if anything can be done. But my doctor had to contact Bedale which is our local mental health center to see whether they can see me or adjust my medication. I was also asked to contact Suzanne about it and see if she could help me get an appointment but all she said back to me was to talk to Anna and then Anna rang me and felt like she wasn't impressed to hear that I wanted to sort my medication out. So I ended up leaving it until I contacted my doctor again in August to talk about my medication and we had a chat over the phone and Bedale still want me to come off my medication which isn't helpful. Granted I feel they're not working and that I still feel the same so she mentioned a new medication to try so I said I'd happily come off the Mirtazapine to try something different. For the last 3 weeks I have been taking a lower dose, started off doing 1 week on 30mg and then the last 2 I've taken the 15mg. I took my last Mirtazapine Thursday night and picked up my new medication called Venlafaxine. I took my usual Quetiapine Friday night and decided that I was going to start my Venlafaxine today because I didn't want to risk being out somewhere and getting ill from the new meds as I am not sure how they're going to affect me
Granted, I took the new tablet after 12pm when I had my lunch and so far I feel fine and that was almost 3 hours ago.
I have a follow up appointment booked in 3 weeks time to see how I am getting on with these tablets and then talk about possibly coming off the Quetiapine as well. But I am not going to worry about that for a while now.
Thursday, June 21
Oops... I Did It Again...
I cannot believe that I have forgot about my blog, it wasn't intentional but it was because from where I did not have any proper internet for so long. I was able to piggyback of my neighbours wifi but they upgraded their internet and meant that it couldn't be accessed which was a shame.
Not much, but a lot has changed in the last 4 years since I last wrote to my blog, my mental health is still the same except my diagnosis is the same. Although it has changed, well the name anyway. It is now known as EUPD - Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. I do not like the new name change, NO ONE wants to refer themselves as 'Unstable'!
In 2013 I posted that my sister made me an Auntie for the first time, but since then she has blessed me with 2 other Nephews called George and Harry. I love being an Auntie and it's the best thing in the world and I am so glad I have 3 lil men to love and play with and look after. George is 3 and Harry is now 8 months old.
My medication has changed over the last few years. I last noted that in 2009 i was currently on Sertraline, which I am no longer taking. But I am now taking Quetiapine and Mirtazapine. I have been on Quetiapine for at least 3 maybe 4 years and Mirtazapine a year or more longer. Before they decided to put me on to Quetiapine I was taking Amitripiline!
I have been flicking through my blog this evening as I was trying to work out whether I made a note of my medication which I unfortunately had not, but I realised what I had written and when. I never usually re-read anything I have written but I am glad to see that my posts are reaching many people, and I do hope that with my original plan was to help people has worked. I am going to be sharing some information about EUPD and BPD over time now that I have internet.
I also moved out and got my own place which is still all new to me and I am still trying to get used to it, I love having my own space, I just wish that people would make a little more effort to come and see me. My Mum and Sister and Brother are the only people who really come round to see me, shame really, but you can't force people to come round.
My plan is now that I have proper internet that I am going to start keeping my blog up to date, it's a shame I didn't keep it for the last 4 years but not having internet was the main issue.
Not much, but a lot has changed in the last 4 years since I last wrote to my blog, my mental health is still the same except my diagnosis is the same. Although it has changed, well the name anyway. It is now known as EUPD - Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. I do not like the new name change, NO ONE wants to refer themselves as 'Unstable'!
In 2013 I posted that my sister made me an Auntie for the first time, but since then she has blessed me with 2 other Nephews called George and Harry. I love being an Auntie and it's the best thing in the world and I am so glad I have 3 lil men to love and play with and look after. George is 3 and Harry is now 8 months old.
My medication has changed over the last few years. I last noted that in 2009 i was currently on Sertraline, which I am no longer taking. But I am now taking Quetiapine and Mirtazapine. I have been on Quetiapine for at least 3 maybe 4 years and Mirtazapine a year or more longer. Before they decided to put me on to Quetiapine I was taking Amitripiline!
I have been flicking through my blog this evening as I was trying to work out whether I made a note of my medication which I unfortunately had not, but I realised what I had written and when. I never usually re-read anything I have written but I am glad to see that my posts are reaching many people, and I do hope that with my original plan was to help people has worked. I am going to be sharing some information about EUPD and BPD over time now that I have internet.
I also moved out and got my own place which is still all new to me and I am still trying to get used to it, I love having my own space, I just wish that people would make a little more effort to come and see me. My Mum and Sister and Brother are the only people who really come round to see me, shame really, but you can't force people to come round.
My plan is now that I have proper internet that I am going to start keeping my blog up to date, it's a shame I didn't keep it for the last 4 years but not having internet was the main issue.
Tuesday, October 26
NatraSleep Tablets..
The other night i took a tablet to help me sleep, the NatraSleep ones that you can get online and in most stores - i believe...
But, instead of helping me sleep, i was wide awake for HOURS! couldnt work out why neither, but it wasnt until last night we'd decided to READ the box and it says and i quote:
" DO NOT USE IF YOU ARE SUFFERING FROM DEPRESSION OR ARE TAKING ANTI DEPRESSANT MEDICATION "
Err.. OOPS.. springs to mind!!!
Mind you most of the time i am always checking the box to make sure what you can and cant take for things, but because i was mega stressed out with this moron texting me and winding me up to the point where i exploded.. i couldnt settle or relax! but instead of helping me relax, this tablet kept me up longer i felt like i was high or hyper or something but i had to keep still as hubby needed his sleep .. so i couldnt keep him awake but i CAN assure you it was VERY difficult for me to be quiet or still for a certain amount of time!
I wanted to listen to my music on my Ipod - but no the music was " too loud " so instead i surfed Facebook on it for a little while, until i got bored of that and decided to start playing a game and then deleted some stuff and found another game to play etc. etc. etc!!
Maybe next time i will either learn to read first, or just not take anything that may effect or have an effect whilst taking the meds...
Tuesday, May 11
The State Of My Life, Is Unbelievable
Well, i am 23 in 2 days (13th) and omg, i am at the same point as i was last bloody year
- no job
- no life
- no family
- no money
- no friends
no nothing!!!!
I dont understand, i was seeing Kevin up till about 2 weeks ago when he decided to tell me that he was going to discharge me because i had to reschedual the last 2 appointments, and i was apparently late for the one i turned up for - the receptionist told me i was booked in for 2pm not 3pm but i swear i was booked in at 3pm ... so that pissed me off pretty much!
So now, since he had not let me know if i had managed to get on the STEPPS programme, nor did i get help from a lady at the surgery called Kirsty, for Anxiety & Depression and now i will not know if i get my stupid assessment for BPD - so it just seems that i wasted all my time and efforts in attempting to sort myself out because of my ectopic, everything has in a way gone down the pan.
On the 15th it would had been 2 months since the date, but 8 weeks on monday just gone since i had the op. and it is a nasty reminder that i cant do anything right... i mean, it has really made me feel like i have the worlds worst amount of luck!
yet i wasnt born on Friday 13th!!! - however my 18th birthday was on a bloody friday!!....maybe thats what done it?
Again, i dont understand what caused this, and weather or not my right fallopian is clear or fine - until i get another one, i guess?
I have been so depressed again the last couple of days because of the state of the way my life is at the moment, and the way things are at home...
I was informed the other day that the house was being Evaluated, to see how much it is worth as it looks like things are getting to the point now where they are going to have to sell the house...!!
I dunno, it just seems and feels like nothing to me is ever simples anymore! lol its crazy, i mean i dont know how i am coping, or how i am plodding along still..but i am!?
I think i might just stick to growing flowers from seeds - and making hanging baskets and stuff with the seeds i own and have bought and growing veggies too, better than nothing... really, right?
Tomorrow i am going to make sure i get up early enough to ring the bloody doctor and get this sorted out, because i for one cannot live like this anymore and i cannot repeat cannot do any of this by myself, really.. i do need help! and yes, i am admitting to it, but it is difficult with my anxiety and agoraphobia that comes and goes ... driving me Nuts!!!
- no job
- no life
- no family
- no money
- no friends
no nothing!!!!
I dont understand, i was seeing Kevin up till about 2 weeks ago when he decided to tell me that he was going to discharge me because i had to reschedual the last 2 appointments, and i was apparently late for the one i turned up for - the receptionist told me i was booked in for 2pm not 3pm but i swear i was booked in at 3pm ... so that pissed me off pretty much!
So now, since he had not let me know if i had managed to get on the STEPPS programme, nor did i get help from a lady at the surgery called Kirsty, for Anxiety & Depression and now i will not know if i get my stupid assessment for BPD - so it just seems that i wasted all my time and efforts in attempting to sort myself out because of my ectopic, everything has in a way gone down the pan.
On the 15th it would had been 2 months since the date, but 8 weeks on monday just gone since i had the op. and it is a nasty reminder that i cant do anything right... i mean, it has really made me feel like i have the worlds worst amount of luck!
yet i wasnt born on Friday 13th!!! - however my 18th birthday was on a bloody friday!!....maybe thats what done it?
Again, i dont understand what caused this, and weather or not my right fallopian is clear or fine - until i get another one, i guess?
I have been so depressed again the last couple of days because of the state of the way my life is at the moment, and the way things are at home...
I was informed the other day that the house was being Evaluated, to see how much it is worth as it looks like things are getting to the point now where they are going to have to sell the house...!!
I dunno, it just seems and feels like nothing to me is ever simples anymore! lol its crazy, i mean i dont know how i am coping, or how i am plodding along still..but i am!?
I think i might just stick to growing flowers from seeds - and making hanging baskets and stuff with the seeds i own and have bought and growing veggies too, better than nothing... really, right?
Tomorrow i am going to make sure i get up early enough to ring the bloody doctor and get this sorted out, because i for one cannot live like this anymore and i cannot repeat cannot do any of this by myself, really.. i do need help! and yes, i am admitting to it, but it is difficult with my anxiety and agoraphobia that comes and goes ... driving me Nuts!!!
Saturday, December 19
Trying To Get Into The Christmas Spirit..... again..
So i have been bored out of my brains, i mean very board, at first i had my brother annoying me for hours on end, till he finally went to Bristol to stay with his girlfriend.. and my sister has been at work.. so it has just been me and my dad - and i cant tell you just how boring it was, hardly anything to do, nothing on tv.. sky is crap, nearly/over 1,000 channells and bugger all on to watch, just crazy! - although i did watch 'Yes Man' with my brother this morning (see other blog).
Eventually my dad did decide to watch a film, and we watched National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.
...such a funny film.. i loved it, even though i had seen it before lol
however, now at this moment i am writing this blog, i am actually sitting in the sofa, watching Love Actually on ITV (i believe)...
I am also chilling out drinking a glass of baileys and ice..
although i shouldnt really.. as i am on anti depressants, but i just dont know what it is but i just cant stick to them, i just keep giving up! =( i strongly feel nothing is working, nothing settles me, and nothing certainly has made any difference in the last 3 months - even if i do keep giving up and everything... oops!
Monday, December 7
December 7th
had another sleepless night last night, slept for a couple of hours earlier on this afternoon for a couple of hours and now i am wide awake, so i got up to watch some films, at the moment i have got on Hercules (Disney) because my dvd of Dogma is warped - dunno what it really means, but i guess it could be short hand for it is buggered!?
i had this idea in my head that i would dig out ALL my Disney Christmas dvds - but then i couldnt remember where i put them, as for once this month i have wanted to watch christmas dvds! lol
i have been feeling pretty low again for the last couple of days, i should really get back to the doctors, but i just dont think the 'drugs' are working! :(
i tried to take my mind off things by designing a snazzy christmas layout for my website.. but i couldnt focus on anything so i gave up within mins.. i have my banner ready and a background, but thats just how far i have got!
i think i might just get onto the bedale centre and see whats going on about me, and see if anyone has decided to help me or not, because if i am honest i just cannot cope with my moods or anything anymore, i have been reading up on the internet, and well there is one of two things it could be:
BIPOLAR - manic depression
BPD (borderline personality disorder) - which is kind of like split personality.
so i dunno what to do or what to think at the moment, there is just so much going on and going round and round my head, that i just wish there was a place for me to get a simple answer and get some help.
i had this idea in my head that i would dig out ALL my Disney Christmas dvds - but then i couldnt remember where i put them, as for once this month i have wanted to watch christmas dvds! lol
i have been feeling pretty low again for the last couple of days, i should really get back to the doctors, but i just dont think the 'drugs' are working! :(
i tried to take my mind off things by designing a snazzy christmas layout for my website.. but i couldnt focus on anything so i gave up within mins.. i have my banner ready and a background, but thats just how far i have got!
i think i might just get onto the bedale centre and see whats going on about me, and see if anyone has decided to help me or not, because if i am honest i just cannot cope with my moods or anything anymore, i have been reading up on the internet, and well there is one of two things it could be:
BIPOLAR - manic depression
BPD (borderline personality disorder) - which is kind of like split personality.
so i dunno what to do or what to think at the moment, there is just so much going on and going round and round my head, that i just wish there was a place for me to get a simple answer and get some help.
Friday, December 4
4th December 2..
Well.... what can i say about today!?
1 - i panicked a little .. but i had done most of it yesterday .. so i felt ok managing to get into town for someone to meet me, i did feel like people people were staring, and whilst i was standing in town i felt my body shaking and i was starting to sweat partly because i was hot although i was cold, and also because i was very worried and worried that mum wouldnt be there waiting for me, although i did leave i had to wait and i felt dizzy and panicky and faint whilst i was waiting also, but i did keep talking to my self in my head and tried to keep my self calm.
2 - i was having muscle spasms like tremors whilst i was sitting in the job centre and within minutes of sitting down with my mum, i started coming over hot and dizzy.. i was really nervous!
wasnt too bad, he was just talking about what they can and will do with me to help give me support other than from the jobcentre, and he was nice to me, and even thanked me for coming, because i was debating on cancelling because i couldnt do it but i felt i needed to and it would jeprodise my benefits if not careful. so i had to think of that, so all thats i gotta do is chase up Bedale Centre, get onto the doctors about my tablets, and get them changed over and hope i can get a second opinion.
I do have an appointment with Kevin a bloke from the mental health team at the bedale centre, but i see him at the surgery, so i got to try and be brave for that also, and including going to the doctor to change my anti depressants from citolpram to something better and something that works would be ideal!
my mum was really supportive, and i didnt think she would be that good to be honest, but she did and i am thankfull for her being there for me :) - love you mum -
tonight i have a few plans to pass my evening by on me own, so that should then be a start of getting something sorted out so can tidy up and make house look like house..!
1 - i panicked a little .. but i had done most of it yesterday .. so i felt ok managing to get into town for someone to meet me, i did feel like people people were staring, and whilst i was standing in town i felt my body shaking and i was starting to sweat partly because i was hot although i was cold, and also because i was very worried and worried that mum wouldnt be there waiting for me, although i did leave i had to wait and i felt dizzy and panicky and faint whilst i was waiting also, but i did keep talking to my self in my head and tried to keep my self calm.
2 - i was having muscle spasms like tremors whilst i was sitting in the job centre and within minutes of sitting down with my mum, i started coming over hot and dizzy.. i was really nervous!
wasnt too bad, he was just talking about what they can and will do with me to help give me support other than from the jobcentre, and he was nice to me, and even thanked me for coming, because i was debating on cancelling because i couldnt do it but i felt i needed to and it would jeprodise my benefits if not careful. so i had to think of that, so all thats i gotta do is chase up Bedale Centre, get onto the doctors about my tablets, and get them changed over and hope i can get a second opinion.
I do have an appointment with Kevin a bloke from the mental health team at the bedale centre, but i see him at the surgery, so i got to try and be brave for that also, and including going to the doctor to change my anti depressants from citolpram to something better and something that works would be ideal!
my mum was really supportive, and i didnt think she would be that good to be honest, but she did and i am thankfull for her being there for me :) - love you mum -
tonight i have a few plans to pass my evening by on me own, so that should then be a start of getting something sorted out so can tidy up and make house look like house..!
Thursday, December 3
3rd December
what a hetic couple of days man.. i have had about what, 8 hours sleep or so in the last 2 days its horrendous! i think i am going to spend the next few days with a pillow or two strapped around my head, for just incase i decide i want to go to sleep.
i guess it is my own fault in some ways, i kinda stopped taking my anti depressants just to see what they do to me - and so far nothing, but i stopped taking the anxiety tablets also, so that hasnt helped as they were to help me sleep, but even though i was taking them too i did try to stay awake as long as possible because it is just so cold at night and no one likes to sleep alone do they!?
plus it was raining over here again last night, i am suprised that Bognor is still walkable suprised it aint a giant swimming pool like it is in Wales at the moment with all the rivers bursting its banks etc. i just dont understand where all this rain is coming from anymore, it is just madness complete madness..! dont really know why i am moaning for i actually love the rainy weather, but i dont know why but this time around i cant handle the coldness anymore its weird, normally it aint so bad but i guess it doesnt help with being around people who were born in a barn and leave the doors open so that the nice heat flows out the bloody doors lol.
i am still debating on what to do about the antidepressants, i am well was taking citalopram anti depressants along with some anxiety tablets but i stopped because i just seriously felt no change, people were telling me i be ok in certain amount of time, others said they take a long time to work, and in the end i just gave up i hate waiting in some ways so it was just frustrating me even more because nothing was changing and i guess i kinda wished that it would had started now, but then again i am still caught up with my assessment and how crappy it went that day, maybe i should had entered in there like a crazy person and come out again crazy person then people might actually want to help instead of telling me that there aint much wrong with me just trauma and then being told they give me help for anxiety etc. what morons!!!!!
about that, things aint changed there either, i mean, no one has been in touch yet to tell me whats going on, and what is making things worse is i HAVE to go to the jobcentre tomorrow for some meeting thing with them for the ESA benefit i am on, but i aint been out in weeks again because i am worried to be out on my own and i have panick attacks and everything, but no one seems to take much notice of me and i guess that doesnt help neither, i wanna have a job again and i wanna work, yeah, but right now it aint a possibility when i keep having panick attacks before i leave, i have a panick attack when the front door goes, the phone rings i panick and when i am on my own and walk past the front door i get nervous i guess i often see so much going round in my head about myself and sometimes of someone else that it has worried me a great deal i dont know, but again there aint much point in talking to a proffessional when they dont bloody listen and wont help me properly.
i dunno i guess most of the reason why i cant sleep at night is because i am worried of what tomorrow will bring me and if i am going to survive another day how am i going to do it etc. there is so much going round and round that i cant settle on one thing nothing sticks for long its crazy and i guess i am now too....?
i guess it is my own fault in some ways, i kinda stopped taking my anti depressants just to see what they do to me - and so far nothing, but i stopped taking the anxiety tablets also, so that hasnt helped as they were to help me sleep, but even though i was taking them too i did try to stay awake as long as possible because it is just so cold at night and no one likes to sleep alone do they!?
plus it was raining over here again last night, i am suprised that Bognor is still walkable suprised it aint a giant swimming pool like it is in Wales at the moment with all the rivers bursting its banks etc. i just dont understand where all this rain is coming from anymore, it is just madness complete madness..! dont really know why i am moaning for i actually love the rainy weather, but i dont know why but this time around i cant handle the coldness anymore its weird, normally it aint so bad but i guess it doesnt help with being around people who were born in a barn and leave the doors open so that the nice heat flows out the bloody doors lol.
i am still debating on what to do about the antidepressants, i am well was taking citalopram anti depressants along with some anxiety tablets but i stopped because i just seriously felt no change, people were telling me i be ok in certain amount of time, others said they take a long time to work, and in the end i just gave up i hate waiting in some ways so it was just frustrating me even more because nothing was changing and i guess i kinda wished that it would had started now, but then again i am still caught up with my assessment and how crappy it went that day, maybe i should had entered in there like a crazy person and come out again crazy person then people might actually want to help instead of telling me that there aint much wrong with me just trauma and then being told they give me help for anxiety etc. what morons!!!!!
about that, things aint changed there either, i mean, no one has been in touch yet to tell me whats going on, and what is making things worse is i HAVE to go to the jobcentre tomorrow for some meeting thing with them for the ESA benefit i am on, but i aint been out in weeks again because i am worried to be out on my own and i have panick attacks and everything, but no one seems to take much notice of me and i guess that doesnt help neither, i wanna have a job again and i wanna work, yeah, but right now it aint a possibility when i keep having panick attacks before i leave, i have a panick attack when the front door goes, the phone rings i panick and when i am on my own and walk past the front door i get nervous i guess i often see so much going round in my head about myself and sometimes of someone else that it has worried me a great deal i dont know, but again there aint much point in talking to a proffessional when they dont bloody listen and wont help me properly.
i dunno i guess most of the reason why i cant sleep at night is because i am worried of what tomorrow will bring me and if i am going to survive another day how am i going to do it etc. there is so much going round and round that i cant settle on one thing nothing sticks for long its crazy and i guess i am now too....?
Wednesday, December 2
2nd December
well it is 04:28 that i am now writing this post, i am awake as yet again i cannot sleep.. well admittedly i fell asleep when ever it was we went to sleep.. and then woke up had some peanut butter on toast and got a lot of goodies to eat such as
crisps and biscuits hehe..
i love shortbread and i love chocolate digestives so bought some more tonight **yay**
i aint sure why i cant sleep.. i decided to stop taking my tablets for a little while just to see what they do, i have been having problems sleeping for a while now, so no doubt the tabs wont change that.. but as i have mentioned before in various other posts, that i have been feeling pretty much the same since i started now over 2 months ago.
i am half way my 3rd course of anti depressants which means that i have been on them 10 weeks and nothing has changed.. i may just leave it for a couple of days and see what happens if there is still no change in my mood then the anti depressants i have been given havent worked for the last 10 weeks. which is stupid but my own fault i guess for not saying anything sooner.. although the consultant i saw DID get my dosage up'd to 40mg! i even took two anti depressants the other day because i couldnt remember if i took any, and if i had what would it do.. and it did nothing!!!
couple of weeks ago i tried to overdose on my anti depressants, i was on 20mg and i only had 10 left, which meant i had 200mg of anti depressants inside me and again it did nothing..!! so i dont think that citalopram is really for me actually.. but as i said i see what happens i guess.
i may attempt to get some sleep again soon.. not sure when and i aint sure how long it will actually last this time, but in a way i am getting fed up with it, in others i aint .. but i am getting slightly frustrated with it in some ways as i kinda like to sleep i dunno why i do but i do lol and well i aint been doing it enough.
i hope i aint turning into an insomniac that be good amongst my depression/bpd or whatever is actually wrong with me but i wont find out until the mental health centre take their fingers out their arses and get in touch......
crisps and biscuits hehe..
i love shortbread and i love chocolate digestives so bought some more tonight **yay**
i aint sure why i cant sleep.. i decided to stop taking my tablets for a little while just to see what they do, i have been having problems sleeping for a while now, so no doubt the tabs wont change that.. but as i have mentioned before in various other posts, that i have been feeling pretty much the same since i started now over 2 months ago.
i am half way my 3rd course of anti depressants which means that i have been on them 10 weeks and nothing has changed.. i may just leave it for a couple of days and see what happens if there is still no change in my mood then the anti depressants i have been given havent worked for the last 10 weeks. which is stupid but my own fault i guess for not saying anything sooner.. although the consultant i saw DID get my dosage up'd to 40mg! i even took two anti depressants the other day because i couldnt remember if i took any, and if i had what would it do.. and it did nothing!!!
couple of weeks ago i tried to overdose on my anti depressants, i was on 20mg and i only had 10 left, which meant i had 200mg of anti depressants inside me and again it did nothing..!! so i dont think that citalopram is really for me actually.. but as i said i see what happens i guess.
i may attempt to get some sleep again soon.. not sure when and i aint sure how long it will actually last this time, but in a way i am getting fed up with it, in others i aint .. but i am getting slightly frustrated with it in some ways as i kinda like to sleep i dunno why i do but i do lol and well i aint been doing it enough.
i hope i aint turning into an insomniac that be good amongst my depression/bpd or whatever is actually wrong with me but i wont find out until the mental health centre take their fingers out their arses and get in touch......
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