Today has been a somewhat strange day.. I had a medical for my benefits this morning and I hadn't been looking forward it, if anything I have been extremely nervous and worried about the situation. I think it was because I didn't actually know if the person coming out to me was male or female and I also had to do the whole meeting by myself as I couldn't get anyone to come to me and sit with me to support me. I did ask Michelle the lady I see in town but she couldn't come to me which was very disappointing as I couldn't ask anyone else to be here for me as my sister was in bed catching up from the night shift and my mum was at hers looking after her youngest before getting her up in time to pick the kids up from school. I clearly have no friends at the moment so I didn't bother talking to anyone about it or mentioning it.
But I'll get into that in a different post no doubt.
Anyway, I was tired last night so I decided to get into bed around midnight but I couldn't actually settle because I was getting stressed about today. I was so stressed and anxious that my heart literally felt like it was going to beat out of my chest and I started to have a panic attack. It was just awful. Luckily a few months ago my new doctor gave me some new tablets called Propranolol to take for the anxiety and panic attacks and it didn't take long for them to kick in which I was quite glad with as it meant I could at least attempt to get some sleep. I was awake till gone 2am in end and I just couldn't stay asleep I kept waking up every hour thinking I had been asleep for hours and it was ready to get up - which it clearly wasn't lol I managed to keep falling back to sleep again. But I couldn't stay asleep so I ended up just getting up around 9am this morning and then I changed my bedding as it needed doing but I couldn't be bothered to do it last night. And made sure that I was dressed was meant to do my hair but I forgot which was fine because when my buzzer went it was a female I had a huge sigh of relief but I was still very nervous.
We talked about the mental health issues that I had listed in my claim which was the depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, EUPD. I also mentioned that I have been diagnosed with Insomnia now too! Madness that I've got all these issues wrong with me I forget some times until it all gets listed off. She asked me a lot of questions and I must had given her a lot of information because she did a lot of writing lol which I am guessing is always a good thing, right?
We talked about my issues and struggles and gave her a list of medication that I am currently taking and what I take them for and how much.
Once she asked me about my mental health issues she stopped and said that in my notes it mentions me having a laparoscopic operation. I stopped froze, and just started crying. I apologized for getting upset, and continued to tell her that the operation I had was because I had an Ectopic Pregnancy. She apologized to me as she didn't realise that was what had happened and said she was sorry for my loss. I didn't go into too much detail because I was really upset and in shock and also a little confused. But I did tell her that I do now have problems with my periods. I don't think that the problems with my period is actually from losing my left Fallopian tube because those problems arised when I had my first abnormal smear. I told her that I had a hysteroscopy a few years ago which was to remove some of the lining of my womb to test it and it came back that I have endometrial hyperplasia which is a hormone issue and the lining basically grows to quick and that's why I have heavy and often painful periods. Although the issue comes and goes. I used to be on hormone tablets but at the moment I am not on anything because the problems I have clear up themselves sometimes it can be an issue especially the flooding I often experience but I do have tablets for that that helps and I tend to take them more at night and when I am going out because there is nothing worse than taking a step and needing the toilet almost instantly because worried I've flooded already and not even gone far.
I have to say though the lady who came to see me today was really nice and she helped me feel at ease a little. Especially considering the weirdest thing about the medical was that the doctors last name was the same as mine :) she wasn't English though I didn't ask where she came from or where her parents are from as its a little personal. But my surname is quite rare in a way and it also originates from Turkey apparently but who knows. My dad may do because he has been doing our family tree but hasn't said no more about it.
After she left I had a few more tears because I was just in shock in how she knew about the laparoscopic operation and then found that these doctors have some kind of access to my medical records but the issue with the notes is is that there wasn't any information given really except that my left tube had ruptured. One day I'd like access to those notes but I have read they can refuse you access based on your mental health issues so I don't think I'll ever get to see it.
In the end I composed myself and decided to head over to my sisters to see her and my nephews but as I had mentioned at the start she was in bed catching up on sleep from her night shift last night so it was my mum, youngest nephew till my sister woke up. I talked to mum about the medical I had and then when my sister came down she asked me how it went and I told her what happened too including them asking about the operation that she wanted to talk about. It'll take up to 6 weeks depending on how quick they do the paperwork in my area it could come earlier it just varies so I probably wont find out till March I reckon.
Spending the rest of the day with my mum, sister and my 3 nephews once the older 2 came back from school was just what I needed.. I played with them and got us all into trouble pmsl they've got toy guns with foam bullet things and plastic on the tops my oldest nephew took a bullet and he shot it at me twice so I took it to put it in the one I had and he got upset even though I wasn't actually going to shoot him with it lol so we got told off hehe I love those 3 boys and I will be glad when I am starting to properly feel myself again because I can then start seeing them a lot more again instead of just once a week. I just need to sort myself out and get back in to the doctors to see my doctor. Apart of me just wants to get in and see someone else but then I have the issue of explaining what my other doctor has done and why she's done it and then explaining again what I am there for, at least if I see or speak to my normal doctor I wont need to explain everything as she should in theory remember what she wanted to do with me and do with my medication. Apart of me thinks I need to go back on my Mirtazapine but I am also unsure if that's the right option. I just don't think I am stable enough to come off ALL my medication still especially after the issues I am having with coming off the Mirtazapine and tried the Venlofaxine..
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Friday, January 24
Tuesday, October 22
Well That Didn't Go As I Had Hoped...
At the beginning of the month I had wrote a post about coming off my Mirtazapine tablets to try something new called Venlafaxine. Within a few days of taking the new meds I had a couple of side effects which I thought at first was a good thing and then all of a sudden I had lost myself and the side effects had got worse and got to the point where I couldn't look after myself properly.
The side effects I had were
- Sweating
- Dry Mouth
- Feeling Sleepy
- Trouble Sleeping
- Feeling Sick
These side effects were awful. I already have trouble sleeping as I have Insomnia amongst other things but it got to the point where I was falling asleep gone 4 often 5 or 6am in the morning. I was still waking up around 9am or 11am when my alarm goes off but I was constantly tired and it got to the point where I wasn't really eating anything during the day. I didn't see anyone for 2 weeks except for my mum she had popped round to see me and brought me shopping when I needed it. All I asked her to get me was soup and bread and a few goodies like doughnuts and cake and crisps. I don't know what I would've done if my mum hadn't come round to check on me and help me.
With the sweating I found myself spending days without clothes on because it was the only way I felt cooler.
I had my check up on Friday 18th and it was so stressful. I had a bit of a meltdown before I went to the doctors because I had to go by myself, my mum had agreed to meet me in the end so I had to walk to my sisters as that is where she was. I wore my coat because it was raining on and off but found myself really hot even though I just had a tshirt on underneath I thought I'd be fine but I really wasn't. I had waited for almost 25mins for a bus to take us to the doctor and where it was late I was stressing myself and worrying I wouldn't make the doctors on time. So my mum said to ring them and let them know that I am running a little late. Issue was when the bus finally came it was the one that goes the long way around Bersted and whilst I was in the call queue the bus eventually turned up so I let them know I would be running late and explained the buses were late and then the receptionist turned around and said that my Doctor was running a full clinic and if I am more than 5 mins late the doctor will make me as DNA (did not attend) and it would be down to the doctor if she would see me or not. With being stressed and worried about the buses being late I then got more stressed worrying about how long it will take the bus to go to the doctors and then when we got there just before 2:30 which was the time of my appointment my mum and I rushed as fast as my legs would take me to walk down the road. My legs started to feel like jelly as we were just outside the doctors so I checked I could sign myself in on the screen luckily I still could and then sat down and waited to be called in. Luckily I had made it just in time to my appointment.
I told my doctor about everything I have gone through the last 2 weeks with not being able to cope with all the side effects. I told her what I had and how bad it had got for me. I hate to admit it but it got so bad that I no longer did anything I didn't even shower either every day or every other day I didn't really eat anything and even my doctor could see that I wasn't myself as I have seen her 3 or 4 times now so she noticed that I wasn't myself. She told me there and then to stop taking the medication and just take the Quetiapine at night like I normally do. She did mention Promethazine to help with me sleeping and I said I already take those. Bedale had prescribed them to me last year when I had my last appointment there and I had mentioned that I had been taking the Promethazine at the same time as the Quetiapine whilst I was taking the Venlafaxine but it made no difference.
It's crazy how a lower dose of medication counteracted the other medication which is a higher dose.
I am a little disappointed with all of this and unfortunately I cannot get the last 2 weeks back but I am so glad that my family are so understanding with how I have been feeling and haven't pushed me to do something that won't help.
Yesterday which was Monday 21st October I managed to go out. My mum met me after I got out the shower and we were going to go to town but I didn't want to go in the end so I told mum that I only wanted a new saucepan and asked if she would mind if I just went to my sisters first and she was fine with that.
It felt so good to be able to get out I saw my sister and my littlest nephew and waited for my middle nephew to finish school and then my eldest nephew does football after school on a Monday so I waited to see him too. It felt great to see my sister and my gorgeous nephews. I have missed them all so much I felt bad for not being around but I couldn't force myself to do something I could not do.
I also managed to do a little shopping last night too. I got myself BBQ Pulled Pork and Cheesy Mash from Tesco for my dinner last night and grabbed a few other bits I needed like micro meals more soup and got a few cakey bits too. I didn't get no crisps because I had forgotten that I didn't have any left lol but it's fine. But I have enough food to last me a week or so.
As for the doctors I have an appointment in 2-3 weeks time to see how I am getting on with just the Quetiapine and Promethazine. I can go back on the Mirtazapine IF I want too but at the moment my doctor wants to see how I get on without those ones which is fine.
The side effects I had were
- Sweating
- Dry Mouth
- Feeling Sleepy
- Trouble Sleeping
- Feeling Sick
These side effects were awful. I already have trouble sleeping as I have Insomnia amongst other things but it got to the point where I was falling asleep gone 4 often 5 or 6am in the morning. I was still waking up around 9am or 11am when my alarm goes off but I was constantly tired and it got to the point where I wasn't really eating anything during the day. I didn't see anyone for 2 weeks except for my mum she had popped round to see me and brought me shopping when I needed it. All I asked her to get me was soup and bread and a few goodies like doughnuts and cake and crisps. I don't know what I would've done if my mum hadn't come round to check on me and help me.
With the sweating I found myself spending days without clothes on because it was the only way I felt cooler.
I had my check up on Friday 18th and it was so stressful. I had a bit of a meltdown before I went to the doctors because I had to go by myself, my mum had agreed to meet me in the end so I had to walk to my sisters as that is where she was. I wore my coat because it was raining on and off but found myself really hot even though I just had a tshirt on underneath I thought I'd be fine but I really wasn't. I had waited for almost 25mins for a bus to take us to the doctor and where it was late I was stressing myself and worrying I wouldn't make the doctors on time. So my mum said to ring them and let them know that I am running a little late. Issue was when the bus finally came it was the one that goes the long way around Bersted and whilst I was in the call queue the bus eventually turned up so I let them know I would be running late and explained the buses were late and then the receptionist turned around and said that my Doctor was running a full clinic and if I am more than 5 mins late the doctor will make me as DNA (did not attend) and it would be down to the doctor if she would see me or not. With being stressed and worried about the buses being late I then got more stressed worrying about how long it will take the bus to go to the doctors and then when we got there just before 2:30 which was the time of my appointment my mum and I rushed as fast as my legs would take me to walk down the road. My legs started to feel like jelly as we were just outside the doctors so I checked I could sign myself in on the screen luckily I still could and then sat down and waited to be called in. Luckily I had made it just in time to my appointment.
I told my doctor about everything I have gone through the last 2 weeks with not being able to cope with all the side effects. I told her what I had and how bad it had got for me. I hate to admit it but it got so bad that I no longer did anything I didn't even shower either every day or every other day I didn't really eat anything and even my doctor could see that I wasn't myself as I have seen her 3 or 4 times now so she noticed that I wasn't myself. She told me there and then to stop taking the medication and just take the Quetiapine at night like I normally do. She did mention Promethazine to help with me sleeping and I said I already take those. Bedale had prescribed them to me last year when I had my last appointment there and I had mentioned that I had been taking the Promethazine at the same time as the Quetiapine whilst I was taking the Venlafaxine but it made no difference.
It's crazy how a lower dose of medication counteracted the other medication which is a higher dose.
I am a little disappointed with all of this and unfortunately I cannot get the last 2 weeks back but I am so glad that my family are so understanding with how I have been feeling and haven't pushed me to do something that won't help.
Yesterday which was Monday 21st October I managed to go out. My mum met me after I got out the shower and we were going to go to town but I didn't want to go in the end so I told mum that I only wanted a new saucepan and asked if she would mind if I just went to my sisters first and she was fine with that.
It felt so good to be able to get out I saw my sister and my littlest nephew and waited for my middle nephew to finish school and then my eldest nephew does football after school on a Monday so I waited to see him too. It felt great to see my sister and my gorgeous nephews. I have missed them all so much I felt bad for not being around but I couldn't force myself to do something I could not do.
I also managed to do a little shopping last night too. I got myself BBQ Pulled Pork and Cheesy Mash from Tesco for my dinner last night and grabbed a few other bits I needed like micro meals more soup and got a few cakey bits too. I didn't get no crisps because I had forgotten that I didn't have any left lol but it's fine. But I have enough food to last me a week or so.
As for the doctors I have an appointment in 2-3 weeks time to see how I am getting on with just the Quetiapine and Promethazine. I can go back on the Mirtazapine IF I want too but at the moment my doctor wants to see how I get on without those ones which is fine.
Friday, August 3
I Can Breathe A Sigh Of Relief...
Follow up from my last entry Computers & Technology Are So Frustrating... where I explained about my issue with my hard drive last week.
I had spoke to someone about the lead I brought and that I picked up the multi adaptor plug, and it turned out that I had a little yellow thing under the plug which has the different outputs from 3v to 12v! We passed messages back and forth and said that if anything will happen to my hard drive, it would just fry the mother board in the caddy not my hard drive itself.
Been putting off doing it as I was very nervous as I did not want to lose anything from my drive as I have stored so much over the years, as I do tend to take a lot of photographs with my phone! I also download a lot of stuff off Google or save things from Facebook etc.
Went through my old messages on Facebook and found the ones where he told me to plug in the adptors and it didn't work so was like nooooooo this can't be happening! So I thought screw it, lets turn the adaptor round and try again and all of a sudden my laptop made the noise it makes when you plug a USB in! I was so happy to hear it and crossed my fingers hoping that it didn't corrupt or anything and it didn't!!
I am so happy and I am still calming myself down after building up so much worry and anxiety over my hard drive and losing everything! I am now able to do my graphics and I am able to keep moving stuff from my laptop to my hard drive and vice versa!
I had spoke to someone about the lead I brought and that I picked up the multi adaptor plug, and it turned out that I had a little yellow thing under the plug which has the different outputs from 3v to 12v! We passed messages back and forth and said that if anything will happen to my hard drive, it would just fry the mother board in the caddy not my hard drive itself.
Been putting off doing it as I was very nervous as I did not want to lose anything from my drive as I have stored so much over the years, as I do tend to take a lot of photographs with my phone! I also download a lot of stuff off Google or save things from Facebook etc.
Went through my old messages on Facebook and found the ones where he told me to plug in the adptors and it didn't work so was like nooooooo this can't be happening! So I thought screw it, lets turn the adaptor round and try again and all of a sudden my laptop made the noise it makes when you plug a USB in! I was so happy to hear it and crossed my fingers hoping that it didn't corrupt or anything and it didn't!!
I am so happy and I am still calming myself down after building up so much worry and anxiety over my hard drive and losing everything! I am now able to do my graphics and I am able to keep moving stuff from my laptop to my hard drive and vice versa!
Monday, February 21
Its time to give in..
And get my butt to the doctors..
I need to sort out my problem.. as i am confused as to whats going on and why nothings happened..
And i need to sort out my meds/help!
I stopped taking the meds during december, not on purpose! i was ill with flu and i couldnt go docs because they wont let you in with a flu because of stupid swine flu.. and i couldnt get a repeat prescription because i needed the check up.. and then i stopped attending the bedale center again because something happened and it put me back to the start again where i was afraid to go out and be alone etc.
So i am hoping that can be easily sorted..
Although i have to admit i am worried about the outcome of all that though, because what i am scared of more than anything is death... which i have to admit sounds weird coming from someone who used self harm! but its the truth.. i am scared out of my wits when it comes to it..!
The thought of not seeing the stars, the moon, the seasons and the weather hurts..!
I do not know what to think or make of current events at the moment as nothing seems to ever be easy, and i do not know why..!
I mean, one min things are fine.. well not fine but ok and then within a blink of an eye everythings worse off again!
Maybe, just maybe, i need a bloody holiday... hmm!!!
Still.. one can always hope!!!
I need to sort out my problem.. as i am confused as to whats going on and why nothings happened..
And i need to sort out my meds/help!
I stopped taking the meds during december, not on purpose! i was ill with flu and i couldnt go docs because they wont let you in with a flu because of stupid swine flu.. and i couldnt get a repeat prescription because i needed the check up.. and then i stopped attending the bedale center again because something happened and it put me back to the start again where i was afraid to go out and be alone etc.
So i am hoping that can be easily sorted..
Although i have to admit i am worried about the outcome of all that though, because what i am scared of more than anything is death... which i have to admit sounds weird coming from someone who used self harm! but its the truth.. i am scared out of my wits when it comes to it..!
The thought of not seeing the stars, the moon, the seasons and the weather hurts..!
I do not know what to think or make of current events at the moment as nothing seems to ever be easy, and i do not know why..!
I mean, one min things are fine.. well not fine but ok and then within a blink of an eye everythings worse off again!
Maybe, just maybe, i need a bloody holiday... hmm!!!
Still.. one can always hope!!!
Thursday, December 17
And I Begin To Wonder..
Ok so now i have decided to try and sort a dentist out, after breaking 2 teeth, over the space of a year.. they have not caused any pain, and hardly any discomfort, but now i am worried as one of my teeth has only got a quarter left i believe.. its really scaring me because i dont want to be awake and i dont want to witness anything, i want to be sleep like they do for operations but apparently no one would do that. and what with my breathing problems and anxiety and panicking all the time - then it may go wrong or thats what i feel and worry about.. probably stupid n silly i know, but i know i wont be able to handle it.. i cringe at the noises and sounds in holby city and casulty.. so i feel and know i wont be able to cope!
even if i did try and be brave i wont be able to handle it because i just worried i will be on my own.. etc.
have been feeling bit off, partly because of it and worrying about dentists etc. but there are still various things getting me down all the time, its just really hard to pick myself up.. i am still taking my tablets the sertraline ones, but i still feel that nothing is changing and nothing is working to help me feel better or anything..
even if i did try and be brave i wont be able to handle it because i just worried i will be on my own.. etc.
have been feeling bit off, partly because of it and worrying about dentists etc. but there are still various things getting me down all the time, its just really hard to pick myself up.. i am still taking my tablets the sertraline ones, but i still feel that nothing is changing and nothing is working to help me feel better or anything..
Wednesday, December 16
Pure Madness...
my my my...!
what a couple of days.. talk about crazy and completly weird.
I still aint coping with my emotions, temper, frustrations, anger etc. its complete madness, i just wish i knew where to start and where i was going what to do etc. but unfortunatly no one sees just what i do go through and it aint fair anymore! i wish someone could just realise and see whats going on and open their eyes and realise that i am not getting better and i do neeed help! - in some respects i cannot moan too much, i mean i am seeing Kevin when i can and he aint too busy and well when i am up for going etc. and now i am waiting on seeing a lady at the surgery who will help with my depression and anxiety side of my problems, whereas i have mentioned a few times before that kevin is my BPD (borderline personality disorder) side of the mental health things!
i cant seem to settle on something at the moment either, i am either trying to keep the relationship from falling apart or i am trying to sabbotage it by causing problems, but i just dont know how to handle these situations and what i need to do in times of crisis's and stuff like that, because for the last few years i have spent every moment of it bottling everything up and then i sit in my room on my own like idiot for hours on end until i feel i can show my face again, i did have counciling once, i saw a lady at bognor hospital when i was 15/16 but that didnt really do much, but where i am afraid to open up half the time, i think i only went 6 times out of the year or something, i just couldnt bare it.. plus i didnt really wanna go to the hospital alone as hospitals are big and scary - people die there etc. - silly i know but it is also true.
i have spent pretty much the last few days believing in things and wanting answers that i aint sure are there, i aint sure if i am just paranoid or there really is something going on and i cant put my finger on what, i just feel like everyone around me is making excuses, lying and covering things up.. but i dont know what or why.
also for the last few weeks, months, i have felt really unwanted, by numberous of people - not that they will agree with me, they think that i being silly etc. but i am sure and positive i am not. i mean if i was wanted why arent people bothering with me anymore, i used to get loads of texts a day - and now the only text i get is from 1 person and thats pretty much it, it is really sad and i feel like failure pretty much all the time, but it is hard when i have spent most of my life trying to make friends, trying to fit in and nothing seems to work and no one seems to be interested even though i have warned people about my problems, but i guess people still think i am a crazy nutty person with no life because i sit in doors all day - but it aint like i want to, really i dont, i just cant face going out alone with no where to go no one to see and what with having aboslutley no money makes it that bit harder.. because even if i did want to go out i cant because i cant do what i really wanted to do! and i cant admit that bcoz its very stupid and crazy and i dont really want people to think worse of me than they do already and it aint fair really.. i am fed up with being judged etc. for having a problem, yeah i have mental health issues.. doesnt mean that i cant have friend etc. since i admitted i had it, i only had one lady talk to me about it, she is called Stephanie, she emailed me from my In A Lonely Place website, and to have someone similar to me, and also in Bognor was a big thing for me, very over whelming i never thought that i would find someone.. and i am happy no exatactic that i have got someone to talk to now, and its just a big scarey world with no idea what i am going to be like from one day to the next, its like someone is living in my head with a switch that gets flicked on and off in my head that makes me be mean, rude, angry, weird, hyper, sad, depressed etc. i just wish there was something i could do or at least someone could do to help me! :(
what a couple of days.. talk about crazy and completly weird.
I still aint coping with my emotions, temper, frustrations, anger etc. its complete madness, i just wish i knew where to start and where i was going what to do etc. but unfortunatly no one sees just what i do go through and it aint fair anymore! i wish someone could just realise and see whats going on and open their eyes and realise that i am not getting better and i do neeed help! - in some respects i cannot moan too much, i mean i am seeing Kevin when i can and he aint too busy and well when i am up for going etc. and now i am waiting on seeing a lady at the surgery who will help with my depression and anxiety side of my problems, whereas i have mentioned a few times before that kevin is my BPD (borderline personality disorder) side of the mental health things!
i cant seem to settle on something at the moment either, i am either trying to keep the relationship from falling apart or i am trying to sabbotage it by causing problems, but i just dont know how to handle these situations and what i need to do in times of crisis's and stuff like that, because for the last few years i have spent every moment of it bottling everything up and then i sit in my room on my own like idiot for hours on end until i feel i can show my face again, i did have counciling once, i saw a lady at bognor hospital when i was 15/16 but that didnt really do much, but where i am afraid to open up half the time, i think i only went 6 times out of the year or something, i just couldnt bare it.. plus i didnt really wanna go to the hospital alone as hospitals are big and scary - people die there etc. - silly i know but it is also true.
i have spent pretty much the last few days believing in things and wanting answers that i aint sure are there, i aint sure if i am just paranoid or there really is something going on and i cant put my finger on what, i just feel like everyone around me is making excuses, lying and covering things up.. but i dont know what or why.
also for the last few weeks, months, i have felt really unwanted, by numberous of people - not that they will agree with me, they think that i being silly etc. but i am sure and positive i am not. i mean if i was wanted why arent people bothering with me anymore, i used to get loads of texts a day - and now the only text i get is from 1 person and thats pretty much it, it is really sad and i feel like failure pretty much all the time, but it is hard when i have spent most of my life trying to make friends, trying to fit in and nothing seems to work and no one seems to be interested even though i have warned people about my problems, but i guess people still think i am a crazy nutty person with no life because i sit in doors all day - but it aint like i want to, really i dont, i just cant face going out alone with no where to go no one to see and what with having aboslutley no money makes it that bit harder.. because even if i did want to go out i cant because i cant do what i really wanted to do! and i cant admit that bcoz its very stupid and crazy and i dont really want people to think worse of me than they do already and it aint fair really.. i am fed up with being judged etc. for having a problem, yeah i have mental health issues.. doesnt mean that i cant have friend etc. since i admitted i had it, i only had one lady talk to me about it, she is called Stephanie, she emailed me from my In A Lonely Place website, and to have someone similar to me, and also in Bognor was a big thing for me, very over whelming i never thought that i would find someone.. and i am happy no exatactic that i have got someone to talk to now, and its just a big scarey world with no idea what i am going to be like from one day to the next, its like someone is living in my head with a switch that gets flicked on and off in my head that makes me be mean, rude, angry, weird, hyper, sad, depressed etc. i just wish there was something i could do or at least someone could do to help me! :(
..this was a random picture i just created using a random status on the application on facebook called Status Shuffle..
Monday, December 14
oh what a night..
after surviving on just 3 hours sleep, i am starting to cave..
i am so miserable, so down, stressed, frustrated, annoyed, alone, hurt, fed up everything.. i dont even really have an idea or a clue as to why i feel like this! - it really really sucks..
i felt ok-ish watching A Muppets Christmas Carol - i love the film, its just a shame that in films they make everything and everyone happy.. when it aint always the case in real life.. i guess i kind of wish that my life was a fairytale.. least i would always have a happy ending..right!?
..i dont know what is going to happen with Christmas this year, i mean i am 22, getting old, and christmas just aint what it used to be anymore, i see people all around me with their kids, or having kids, or just generally doing 'alright' for themselves, and there is me, the same idiotic person i always have been and nothing and no one will change that i bet.
a part of me really feels like i dont want this borderline personality disorder, i just cant always handle my emotions or handle the outcome or even know how to deal with them, for the simple reason i aint exactly got my head around everything, it aint sunk in nothing..
i found my friends baby scans and little wrist band things they wear.. and it broke my heart - not that i am jealous - well maybe a little .. but because i know i am never going to have the experience of having a child, i am pretty sure that i cannot have them, so i have not bothered in persuing it because it would only get me down more than i am already, and well people say that when they have a child that it changes them for better and often not, mind you i would be crap looking after someone else, i cant even look after myself half the time! :(
apart of me really wishes i could change all this, and apart of me wants everything to be better, but i am also scared because i will have to do it all on my own, and i aint really sure if i am strong enough to cope anymore. i cant even remember to bring in the milk on a monday/wedensday/friday from outside, i am scared to go out on my own.. and i dont even know why.. and there are numberous things going round and round in and out in and out i just cant deal with all the confusion, emotion and everything else running through my mind..
i picked up a card from the doctors surgery last week, for the Samaratains.. maybe i should get in touch with them and find someone to talk to!? i just feel today that i cannot cope.. and i really strongly feel i am unwanted too..
i just dont understand why tonight all i wanna do is hide away, curl up in a ball n die, and i guess i feel as though i am fading into the background!
..i guess i wish i had friends, someone to talk to, someone to keep me sane, someone to help me.. i even tried posting out a link to a group page i made up on facebook about my problems and to seek help in other people and for them to gain help from me etc. but most of the friends on my facebook list just declined the page without taking a look or having a second thought, even the people i knew and used to hang out with months ago do not bother with me anymore, and why...? i aint got a clue, one girl said she come over for the afternoon/evening and spend time with me catch up etc. and she said she was going to the shop, within half an hour she claimed she was ill and had to go back to bed.. and i have not spoke to her since.. and this was around a couple of months ago now!
...why am i such a threat or why cant people stand to be around me anymore?! really feel out of place and lonely no matter where i am or who i am with! :(
i am so miserable, so down, stressed, frustrated, annoyed, alone, hurt, fed up everything.. i dont even really have an idea or a clue as to why i feel like this! - it really really sucks..
i felt ok-ish watching A Muppets Christmas Carol - i love the film, its just a shame that in films they make everything and everyone happy.. when it aint always the case in real life.. i guess i kind of wish that my life was a fairytale.. least i would always have a happy ending..right!?
..i dont know what is going to happen with Christmas this year, i mean i am 22, getting old, and christmas just aint what it used to be anymore, i see people all around me with their kids, or having kids, or just generally doing 'alright' for themselves, and there is me, the same idiotic person i always have been and nothing and no one will change that i bet.
a part of me really feels like i dont want this borderline personality disorder, i just cant always handle my emotions or handle the outcome or even know how to deal with them, for the simple reason i aint exactly got my head around everything, it aint sunk in nothing..
i found my friends baby scans and little wrist band things they wear.. and it broke my heart - not that i am jealous - well maybe a little .. but because i know i am never going to have the experience of having a child, i am pretty sure that i cannot have them, so i have not bothered in persuing it because it would only get me down more than i am already, and well people say that when they have a child that it changes them for better and often not, mind you i would be crap looking after someone else, i cant even look after myself half the time! :(
apart of me really wishes i could change all this, and apart of me wants everything to be better, but i am also scared because i will have to do it all on my own, and i aint really sure if i am strong enough to cope anymore. i cant even remember to bring in the milk on a monday/wedensday/friday from outside, i am scared to go out on my own.. and i dont even know why.. and there are numberous things going round and round in and out in and out i just cant deal with all the confusion, emotion and everything else running through my mind..
i picked up a card from the doctors surgery last week, for the Samaratains.. maybe i should get in touch with them and find someone to talk to!? i just feel today that i cannot cope.. and i really strongly feel i am unwanted too..
i just dont understand why tonight all i wanna do is hide away, curl up in a ball n die, and i guess i feel as though i am fading into the background!
..i guess i wish i had friends, someone to talk to, someone to keep me sane, someone to help me.. i even tried posting out a link to a group page i made up on facebook about my problems and to seek help in other people and for them to gain help from me etc. but most of the friends on my facebook list just declined the page without taking a look or having a second thought, even the people i knew and used to hang out with months ago do not bother with me anymore, and why...? i aint got a clue, one girl said she come over for the afternoon/evening and spend time with me catch up etc. and she said she was going to the shop, within half an hour she claimed she was ill and had to go back to bed.. and i have not spoke to her since.. and this was around a couple of months ago now!
...why am i such a threat or why cant people stand to be around me anymore?! really feel out of place and lonely no matter where i am or who i am with! :(
Sunday, December 13
13th december - 5 months till i 23!!
oh dear, i realized that today is exactly 5 months now till my 23rd birthday.. how bad does that suck!?
i mean, i look at my self now and what i used to be like and i just feel like a failure each and every year!! nothing ever changes for me, i am still the same idiot who jacked her job in because of the problems i was having in my personal life and the ones at work i was picked on by a couple of people and i still don't know why till this day why they did what they did .. so thanks to them i lost my confidence and i ended up ruining all the chances i had at card factory, but i would had ended up being sacked if i hadn't had left, i know i would had been because i kept getting into trouble and i kept having head office 'keeping an eye on me' etc.
i have now been out of a job for over a year now, and when i think about getting back into the 'retail' role or working again i panic, because i messed up whilst i was at card factory, how many more times am i gonna fuck up my working life..!?
i am scared that i am going to sacked or more problems will arise whilst i work and it will then again knock my confidence out again and i have a very low self esteem and very low self worth, i just really am hoping i could be like everyone else.. everyone i know is:
Married, has kids, has a decent relationship with no problems, pregnant, has a life - etc.
i just wish i could fit in i guess, i mean i feel so alone and scared all the time, i just wish that there was something or someone that could make me and everything feel million times better, and may actually want to make my life worth living and stuff.. but it just sucks because i am to scared to do something about it.
which is why i am on ESA - employment support allowance - they are meant to help people like me get back into work and hopefully they will help me more than what being on JSA - job seekers allowance - was, as they wasn't interested in anything but finding out information and signing book and your on your way...
maybe i am asking too much of people, and asking everyone to help me when i should be able to help myself, i just feel so dependable on one other person to be there for me to help me when i fall and be there when i need them,
why have i become this!? it sucks!
Thursday, December 10
the thoughts of christmas..
well the thoughts of christmas are very slowly catching up with me.
I was sitting in the lounge the other night thinking, why aint the decs up - every other house is done, and they have been decorating for xmas during November! so i wonder when someone put them up!?
...then i realised that yesterday was 9th december, our traditions as a family since 1992 was, every year on the 9th december the decs went up, because thats when our brother come home from the hosptial, as he was 5 weeks prem. they bought him home that day and the decs were put up from him to come to 'christmas' as in a way it was his first christmas.. so since this day in 92 the decs went up... except now what with dad spending more time in Reading with his little GIRLfriend.. he hasnt bothered with us, or the house - despite the toilet actually leaking - he didnt bother to fix and left it. if only he would see that he has changed and realise he is being a wanker then things might be better, but because he doesnt think about us, its all bout the 16 year old me, and my brother and sister and the house are getting pushed aside..
so i was thinking again last night that - oh god the decs should be up by now - and they wasnt, still arent now! really, this christmas is going to be really really crap and there is just going to be:
me, mum and my brother i bet! my sister will be there for a while as she will then spend some of the day with her boyfriend and his boyfriends mum (it will be the first xmas with out alans dad - so going to be tough on them this year bless them!) - on the other hand we could get invited elsewhere - but then what would we do, leave mum all on her own for christmas, or stay with her at christmas and it being quiet - with us all on our laptops and computers ignoring each other, as christmas will be just an ordinary day in our house due to the problems etc that are arrising each day!!
maybe i wish things were the same, maybe i wish they wasnt! but at least mum n dad are happier without being together is the main thing, just now, we have to see what will happen with the house, as i have a feeling once it is fixed and done up properly, will they then sell it, split the money and one will go one way and one will go the other - its a shame really.. i mean they did this to us when i was what, 12 and moved me out of the first house, and now 10 years on they are doing it again!!!
i really am gonna feel so sorry for my brother to be honest, as he is gonna end up having to choose in some respects .. but i guess he prob stay with mum seen as how he is rude and off with him lol mind you dad has now turned into a wanker - and to be honest i wish he would bloody see this because i am sick to death of the way he treats this little girl and doesnt treat us - NOT FAIR YOU HEAR!?
..well he aint gonna read because he aint interested!
I was sitting in the lounge the other night thinking, why aint the decs up - every other house is done, and they have been decorating for xmas during November! so i wonder when someone put them up!?
...then i realised that yesterday was 9th december, our traditions as a family since 1992 was, every year on the 9th december the decs went up, because thats when our brother come home from the hosptial, as he was 5 weeks prem. they bought him home that day and the decs were put up from him to come to 'christmas' as in a way it was his first christmas.. so since this day in 92 the decs went up... except now what with dad spending more time in Reading with his little GIRLfriend.. he hasnt bothered with us, or the house - despite the toilet actually leaking - he didnt bother to fix and left it. if only he would see that he has changed and realise he is being a wanker then things might be better, but because he doesnt think about us, its all bout the 16 year old me, and my brother and sister and the house are getting pushed aside..
so i was thinking again last night that - oh god the decs should be up by now - and they wasnt, still arent now! really, this christmas is going to be really really crap and there is just going to be:
me, mum and my brother i bet! my sister will be there for a while as she will then spend some of the day with her boyfriend and his boyfriends mum (it will be the first xmas with out alans dad - so going to be tough on them this year bless them!) - on the other hand we could get invited elsewhere - but then what would we do, leave mum all on her own for christmas, or stay with her at christmas and it being quiet - with us all on our laptops and computers ignoring each other, as christmas will be just an ordinary day in our house due to the problems etc that are arrising each day!!
maybe i wish things were the same, maybe i wish they wasnt! but at least mum n dad are happier without being together is the main thing, just now, we have to see what will happen with the house, as i have a feeling once it is fixed and done up properly, will they then sell it, split the money and one will go one way and one will go the other - its a shame really.. i mean they did this to us when i was what, 12 and moved me out of the first house, and now 10 years on they are doing it again!!!
i really am gonna feel so sorry for my brother to be honest, as he is gonna end up having to choose in some respects .. but i guess he prob stay with mum seen as how he is rude and off with him lol mind you dad has now turned into a wanker - and to be honest i wish he would bloody see this because i am sick to death of the way he treats this little girl and doesnt treat us - NOT FAIR YOU HEAR!?
..well he aint gonna read because he aint interested!
Sunday, December 6
Sleeping Beauty...?
I am finally awake due to spending the full day in bed sleeping, i have eaten in between waking up and falling asleep drinking also, it is weird as to how i keep doing it.
one min i am awake wondering around slightly and then going back to bed and then i fall asleep i sit somewhere else and i feel my head dropping whilst sitting and then i fall asleep in a matter of moments.
pretty weird as i have never spent the day sleeping before, i believe.. it was sort of like i was ill but i wasnt so much ill more self inflicted!?
i am hoping to have a bacon sarnie soon, as i have eaten quite bit through out the course of my awakness and sleepyness...
one min i am awake wondering around slightly and then going back to bed and then i fall asleep i sit somewhere else and i feel my head dropping whilst sitting and then i fall asleep in a matter of moments.
pretty weird as i have never spent the day sleeping before, i believe.. it was sort of like i was ill but i wasnt so much ill more self inflicted!?
i am hoping to have a bacon sarnie soon, as i have eaten quite bit through out the course of my awakness and sleepyness...
Saturday, December 5
why...
god why is it nothing ever seems to ever go right for me any more i just dont understand any of this it is unbelievable!
i just really wanna give up on everything and everyone i cant even get an assessment right, i can get a boyfriend, i aint good looking, i aint normal i aint nothing to anyone!!! i just cant take this anymore! why is it always me that gets left behind and never able to have or live an normal life i just feel it aint fair anymore and that i am just sitting here dying slowly inside, i have nothing left.. i just feel empty
i just really wanna give up on everything and everyone i cant even get an assessment right, i can get a boyfriend, i aint good looking, i aint normal i aint nothing to anyone!!! i just cant take this anymore! why is it always me that gets left behind and never able to have or live an normal life i just feel it aint fair anymore and that i am just sitting here dying slowly inside, i have nothing left.. i just feel empty
Friday, December 4
4th December 2..
Well.... what can i say about today!?
1 - i panicked a little .. but i had done most of it yesterday .. so i felt ok managing to get into town for someone to meet me, i did feel like people people were staring, and whilst i was standing in town i felt my body shaking and i was starting to sweat partly because i was hot although i was cold, and also because i was very worried and worried that mum wouldnt be there waiting for me, although i did leave i had to wait and i felt dizzy and panicky and faint whilst i was waiting also, but i did keep talking to my self in my head and tried to keep my self calm.
2 - i was having muscle spasms like tremors whilst i was sitting in the job centre and within minutes of sitting down with my mum, i started coming over hot and dizzy.. i was really nervous!
wasnt too bad, he was just talking about what they can and will do with me to help give me support other than from the jobcentre, and he was nice to me, and even thanked me for coming, because i was debating on cancelling because i couldnt do it but i felt i needed to and it would jeprodise my benefits if not careful. so i had to think of that, so all thats i gotta do is chase up Bedale Centre, get onto the doctors about my tablets, and get them changed over and hope i can get a second opinion.
I do have an appointment with Kevin a bloke from the mental health team at the bedale centre, but i see him at the surgery, so i got to try and be brave for that also, and including going to the doctor to change my anti depressants from citolpram to something better and something that works would be ideal!
my mum was really supportive, and i didnt think she would be that good to be honest, but she did and i am thankfull for her being there for me :) - love you mum -
tonight i have a few plans to pass my evening by on me own, so that should then be a start of getting something sorted out so can tidy up and make house look like house..!
1 - i panicked a little .. but i had done most of it yesterday .. so i felt ok managing to get into town for someone to meet me, i did feel like people people were staring, and whilst i was standing in town i felt my body shaking and i was starting to sweat partly because i was hot although i was cold, and also because i was very worried and worried that mum wouldnt be there waiting for me, although i did leave i had to wait and i felt dizzy and panicky and faint whilst i was waiting also, but i did keep talking to my self in my head and tried to keep my self calm.
2 - i was having muscle spasms like tremors whilst i was sitting in the job centre and within minutes of sitting down with my mum, i started coming over hot and dizzy.. i was really nervous!
wasnt too bad, he was just talking about what they can and will do with me to help give me support other than from the jobcentre, and he was nice to me, and even thanked me for coming, because i was debating on cancelling because i couldnt do it but i felt i needed to and it would jeprodise my benefits if not careful. so i had to think of that, so all thats i gotta do is chase up Bedale Centre, get onto the doctors about my tablets, and get them changed over and hope i can get a second opinion.
I do have an appointment with Kevin a bloke from the mental health team at the bedale centre, but i see him at the surgery, so i got to try and be brave for that also, and including going to the doctor to change my anti depressants from citolpram to something better and something that works would be ideal!
my mum was really supportive, and i didnt think she would be that good to be honest, but she did and i am thankfull for her being there for me :) - love you mum -
tonight i have a few plans to pass my evening by on me own, so that should then be a start of getting something sorted out so can tidy up and make house look like house..!
Thursday, December 3
3rd December
what a hetic couple of days man.. i have had about what, 8 hours sleep or so in the last 2 days its horrendous! i think i am going to spend the next few days with a pillow or two strapped around my head, for just incase i decide i want to go to sleep.
i guess it is my own fault in some ways, i kinda stopped taking my anti depressants just to see what they do to me - and so far nothing, but i stopped taking the anxiety tablets also, so that hasnt helped as they were to help me sleep, but even though i was taking them too i did try to stay awake as long as possible because it is just so cold at night and no one likes to sleep alone do they!?
plus it was raining over here again last night, i am suprised that Bognor is still walkable suprised it aint a giant swimming pool like it is in Wales at the moment with all the rivers bursting its banks etc. i just dont understand where all this rain is coming from anymore, it is just madness complete madness..! dont really know why i am moaning for i actually love the rainy weather, but i dont know why but this time around i cant handle the coldness anymore its weird, normally it aint so bad but i guess it doesnt help with being around people who were born in a barn and leave the doors open so that the nice heat flows out the bloody doors lol.
i am still debating on what to do about the antidepressants, i am well was taking citalopram anti depressants along with some anxiety tablets but i stopped because i just seriously felt no change, people were telling me i be ok in certain amount of time, others said they take a long time to work, and in the end i just gave up i hate waiting in some ways so it was just frustrating me even more because nothing was changing and i guess i kinda wished that it would had started now, but then again i am still caught up with my assessment and how crappy it went that day, maybe i should had entered in there like a crazy person and come out again crazy person then people might actually want to help instead of telling me that there aint much wrong with me just trauma and then being told they give me help for anxiety etc. what morons!!!!!
about that, things aint changed there either, i mean, no one has been in touch yet to tell me whats going on, and what is making things worse is i HAVE to go to the jobcentre tomorrow for some meeting thing with them for the ESA benefit i am on, but i aint been out in weeks again because i am worried to be out on my own and i have panick attacks and everything, but no one seems to take much notice of me and i guess that doesnt help neither, i wanna have a job again and i wanna work, yeah, but right now it aint a possibility when i keep having panick attacks before i leave, i have a panick attack when the front door goes, the phone rings i panick and when i am on my own and walk past the front door i get nervous i guess i often see so much going round in my head about myself and sometimes of someone else that it has worried me a great deal i dont know, but again there aint much point in talking to a proffessional when they dont bloody listen and wont help me properly.
i dunno i guess most of the reason why i cant sleep at night is because i am worried of what tomorrow will bring me and if i am going to survive another day how am i going to do it etc. there is so much going round and round that i cant settle on one thing nothing sticks for long its crazy and i guess i am now too....?
i guess it is my own fault in some ways, i kinda stopped taking my anti depressants just to see what they do to me - and so far nothing, but i stopped taking the anxiety tablets also, so that hasnt helped as they were to help me sleep, but even though i was taking them too i did try to stay awake as long as possible because it is just so cold at night and no one likes to sleep alone do they!?
plus it was raining over here again last night, i am suprised that Bognor is still walkable suprised it aint a giant swimming pool like it is in Wales at the moment with all the rivers bursting its banks etc. i just dont understand where all this rain is coming from anymore, it is just madness complete madness..! dont really know why i am moaning for i actually love the rainy weather, but i dont know why but this time around i cant handle the coldness anymore its weird, normally it aint so bad but i guess it doesnt help with being around people who were born in a barn and leave the doors open so that the nice heat flows out the bloody doors lol.
i am still debating on what to do about the antidepressants, i am well was taking citalopram anti depressants along with some anxiety tablets but i stopped because i just seriously felt no change, people were telling me i be ok in certain amount of time, others said they take a long time to work, and in the end i just gave up i hate waiting in some ways so it was just frustrating me even more because nothing was changing and i guess i kinda wished that it would had started now, but then again i am still caught up with my assessment and how crappy it went that day, maybe i should had entered in there like a crazy person and come out again crazy person then people might actually want to help instead of telling me that there aint much wrong with me just trauma and then being told they give me help for anxiety etc. what morons!!!!!
about that, things aint changed there either, i mean, no one has been in touch yet to tell me whats going on, and what is making things worse is i HAVE to go to the jobcentre tomorrow for some meeting thing with them for the ESA benefit i am on, but i aint been out in weeks again because i am worried to be out on my own and i have panick attacks and everything, but no one seems to take much notice of me and i guess that doesnt help neither, i wanna have a job again and i wanna work, yeah, but right now it aint a possibility when i keep having panick attacks before i leave, i have a panick attack when the front door goes, the phone rings i panick and when i am on my own and walk past the front door i get nervous i guess i often see so much going round in my head about myself and sometimes of someone else that it has worried me a great deal i dont know, but again there aint much point in talking to a proffessional when they dont bloody listen and wont help me properly.
i dunno i guess most of the reason why i cant sleep at night is because i am worried of what tomorrow will bring me and if i am going to survive another day how am i going to do it etc. there is so much going round and round that i cant settle on one thing nothing sticks for long its crazy and i guess i am now too....?
Wednesday, December 2
2nd December
well it is 04:28 that i am now writing this post, i am awake as yet again i cannot sleep.. well admittedly i fell asleep when ever it was we went to sleep.. and then woke up had some peanut butter on toast and got a lot of goodies to eat such as
crisps and biscuits hehe..
i love shortbread and i love chocolate digestives so bought some more tonight **yay**
i aint sure why i cant sleep.. i decided to stop taking my tablets for a little while just to see what they do, i have been having problems sleeping for a while now, so no doubt the tabs wont change that.. but as i have mentioned before in various other posts, that i have been feeling pretty much the same since i started now over 2 months ago.
i am half way my 3rd course of anti depressants which means that i have been on them 10 weeks and nothing has changed.. i may just leave it for a couple of days and see what happens if there is still no change in my mood then the anti depressants i have been given havent worked for the last 10 weeks. which is stupid but my own fault i guess for not saying anything sooner.. although the consultant i saw DID get my dosage up'd to 40mg! i even took two anti depressants the other day because i couldnt remember if i took any, and if i had what would it do.. and it did nothing!!!
couple of weeks ago i tried to overdose on my anti depressants, i was on 20mg and i only had 10 left, which meant i had 200mg of anti depressants inside me and again it did nothing..!! so i dont think that citalopram is really for me actually.. but as i said i see what happens i guess.
i may attempt to get some sleep again soon.. not sure when and i aint sure how long it will actually last this time, but in a way i am getting fed up with it, in others i aint .. but i am getting slightly frustrated with it in some ways as i kinda like to sleep i dunno why i do but i do lol and well i aint been doing it enough.
i hope i aint turning into an insomniac that be good amongst my depression/bpd or whatever is actually wrong with me but i wont find out until the mental health centre take their fingers out their arses and get in touch......
crisps and biscuits hehe..
i love shortbread and i love chocolate digestives so bought some more tonight **yay**
i aint sure why i cant sleep.. i decided to stop taking my tablets for a little while just to see what they do, i have been having problems sleeping for a while now, so no doubt the tabs wont change that.. but as i have mentioned before in various other posts, that i have been feeling pretty much the same since i started now over 2 months ago.
i am half way my 3rd course of anti depressants which means that i have been on them 10 weeks and nothing has changed.. i may just leave it for a couple of days and see what happens if there is still no change in my mood then the anti depressants i have been given havent worked for the last 10 weeks. which is stupid but my own fault i guess for not saying anything sooner.. although the consultant i saw DID get my dosage up'd to 40mg! i even took two anti depressants the other day because i couldnt remember if i took any, and if i had what would it do.. and it did nothing!!!
couple of weeks ago i tried to overdose on my anti depressants, i was on 20mg and i only had 10 left, which meant i had 200mg of anti depressants inside me and again it did nothing..!! so i dont think that citalopram is really for me actually.. but as i said i see what happens i guess.
i may attempt to get some sleep again soon.. not sure when and i aint sure how long it will actually last this time, but in a way i am getting fed up with it, in others i aint .. but i am getting slightly frustrated with it in some ways as i kinda like to sleep i dunno why i do but i do lol and well i aint been doing it enough.
i hope i aint turning into an insomniac that be good amongst my depression/bpd or whatever is actually wrong with me but i wont find out until the mental health centre take their fingers out their arses and get in touch......
1st of December
what a day what a day..
it has been the most boring one yet! nothing on telly to watch, too cold out be outside - not that i can go out even if i wanted to *sniff*
i had to resort into turning off the telly as i was getting frustrated with something on bbc1 that was soo slow and boring and then news on 2 and then police thing on 3 and gordan ramsay on 4 - why do we have to pay a liscence to watch this crap!? there is hardly anything on tv that is worth watching these days, its kinda same with sky - almost 1,000 channels and most of them there are 2 of so one you can watch now and one an hour later or some even have 2-3 hours later - whats the point in that!? NONE
i usually like watching telly, but there are just no good movies on tonight, the other night there was Carpool - now that was a good film.. or there was another one called Duel with someone driving a car being followed by a truck and there was kiss kiss bang bang - now that was a good film, and i never watched a robert downy junior (i think and sure that his name) before! and i thought it was good..!
i have deiceded that only time i watch telly.. is when i am sticking a dvd into the dvd player, or a vhs into a vhs player! whats the point in having 4 channels when there aint much to watch on them..?
BBBOOORRRIIINNNGGGG....!!!
it has been the most boring one yet! nothing on telly to watch, too cold out be outside - not that i can go out even if i wanted to *sniff*
i had to resort into turning off the telly as i was getting frustrated with something on bbc1 that was soo slow and boring and then news on 2 and then police thing on 3 and gordan ramsay on 4 - why do we have to pay a liscence to watch this crap!? there is hardly anything on tv that is worth watching these days, its kinda same with sky - almost 1,000 channels and most of them there are 2 of so one you can watch now and one an hour later or some even have 2-3 hours later - whats the point in that!? NONE
i usually like watching telly, but there are just no good movies on tonight, the other night there was Carpool - now that was a good film.. or there was another one called Duel with someone driving a car being followed by a truck and there was kiss kiss bang bang - now that was a good film, and i never watched a robert downy junior (i think and sure that his name) before! and i thought it was good..!
i have deiceded that only time i watch telly.. is when i am sticking a dvd into the dvd player, or a vhs into a vhs player! whats the point in having 4 channels when there aint much to watch on them..?
BBBOOORRRIIINNNGGGG....!!!
Tuesday, December 1
1st of December
well today is offically the countdown to christmas - oh joy..!
i am so not looking forward to christmas this year if i am honest, just the thought of all the stuff that has been happening over the last few months has just spiraled out of control and i guess i know that it aint gonna be the same again, in some ways i am pleased as mums now happier but dad has just changed, and he doesnt see it we all do but no one seems to know what to do or say i guess?
dad has become really distant, he keeps promissing us kids that he is always gonna be here for us, but when i ring him in need of help he doesnt.. fair enough he has no car, but if he was at my aunt and uncles where he is in fact staying he could've got my uncle to help out or something, but no, dad spends more of his time in reading, and to be honest i dont know why i even bothered to ring him in the first place, completely useless he doesnt get in touch to see if we are ok he just ignores us solidly unless we need his help. it was my brothers birthday a week or so ago, and my dad didnt bother to turn up, didnt buy him a card or a present just told him to contact him and he take dan shopping for something... my poor brother he has autism and he needs a dad, but to our dad we are old enough to get on with our own lives.. well if only he knew the idiot!!!
today has been a rather cold day.. didnt wanna get out of bed for the feel of coldness around the face and fingers etc. admittedly i love the cold side of the bed, but this was just MADNESS it was so freeeezing i have been sitting on the sofa the majority of the day cuddled up under a blanket i have tried to keep the door shut but someone keeps walking in and leaving the blasted thing open letting the heat from the fire out and the cold air in what a numpty *grr*
my sleeping pattern has spiraled out of control.. i just dont seem to sleep well or not enough or i stay up all night now and i just cannot settle its difficult.. in a way i am fed up with telling people because no one listens to me or no one understands, and i think most of it goes back to what happened with the bedale centre on the 18th of november. but i cant help it i just so annoyed still and there is still no word from anyone about what they are going to do for me, so i guess yet again the outcome is NOTHING!!
back to christmas coming.. i am worried about it alot because i have no money again this year, and it is all because i am a idiot and i dont have a job for a stupid fear of being outside and being around people, but again no one listens to that.. anyway i should be getting ESA which i guess i am, just no moneys coming in, really i should pluck up the courage to get in touch with someone but i get so frustrated with their telephone service and the waiting on someone to pick up and help and then trying to explain etc. it again frustrates me even more, which is why in some ways i dont use my mobile much anymore, well partly no credit, and partly no one texts me other than one person and i dont know why he texts me really lol
hopefully i can sort something out for christmas but i am bit worried about the outcome and the coming up to it but i guess we have to be strong for each other, as now it is just my sister, brother and my mum now.. thats it!
i am so not looking forward to christmas this year if i am honest, just the thought of all the stuff that has been happening over the last few months has just spiraled out of control and i guess i know that it aint gonna be the same again, in some ways i am pleased as mums now happier but dad has just changed, and he doesnt see it we all do but no one seems to know what to do or say i guess?
dad has become really distant, he keeps promissing us kids that he is always gonna be here for us, but when i ring him in need of help he doesnt.. fair enough he has no car, but if he was at my aunt and uncles where he is in fact staying he could've got my uncle to help out or something, but no, dad spends more of his time in reading, and to be honest i dont know why i even bothered to ring him in the first place, completely useless he doesnt get in touch to see if we are ok he just ignores us solidly unless we need his help. it was my brothers birthday a week or so ago, and my dad didnt bother to turn up, didnt buy him a card or a present just told him to contact him and he take dan shopping for something... my poor brother he has autism and he needs a dad, but to our dad we are old enough to get on with our own lives.. well if only he knew the idiot!!!
today has been a rather cold day.. didnt wanna get out of bed for the feel of coldness around the face and fingers etc. admittedly i love the cold side of the bed, but this was just MADNESS it was so freeeezing i have been sitting on the sofa the majority of the day cuddled up under a blanket i have tried to keep the door shut but someone keeps walking in and leaving the blasted thing open letting the heat from the fire out and the cold air in what a numpty *grr*
my sleeping pattern has spiraled out of control.. i just dont seem to sleep well or not enough or i stay up all night now and i just cannot settle its difficult.. in a way i am fed up with telling people because no one listens to me or no one understands, and i think most of it goes back to what happened with the bedale centre on the 18th of november. but i cant help it i just so annoyed still and there is still no word from anyone about what they are going to do for me, so i guess yet again the outcome is NOTHING!!
back to christmas coming.. i am worried about it alot because i have no money again this year, and it is all because i am a idiot and i dont have a job for a stupid fear of being outside and being around people, but again no one listens to that.. anyway i should be getting ESA which i guess i am, just no moneys coming in, really i should pluck up the courage to get in touch with someone but i get so frustrated with their telephone service and the waiting on someone to pick up and help and then trying to explain etc. it again frustrates me even more, which is why in some ways i dont use my mobile much anymore, well partly no credit, and partly no one texts me other than one person and i dont know why he texts me really lol
hopefully i can sort something out for christmas but i am bit worried about the outcome and the coming up to it but i guess we have to be strong for each other, as now it is just my sister, brother and my mum now.. thats it!
Monday, November 30
30th November...
last night was very bad, was up till gone 8am this morning, i just couldnt settle i was high as a kite in places tired in others and then it just went round and round like a circle for the whole night, i eventually went to sleep took me a while as i was laying there thinking whats the point in going sleep now when i sleep all day blah blah blah although eventually i must had fallen asleep as i woke up to my mobile ringing at around half 12 although it is on silent i heard the vibrations but i couldnt work out what it was, they never rung back so i guess it wasnt important!?
i kept falling asleep waking up falling asleep and waking up most of the time i trying to get some sleep it is madness.. plus what makes matters worse is that i keep waking up various times whilst asleep in a cold or hot sweat but i dont know why.. its only been like it for a few weeks or so i guess.. i not sure!
eventually i got up around 4pm very very bad i am going to do my best to sit up all night tonight and go to sleep bit earlier tomorrow because this is silly.. all i do is sit up half the night because i cant settle or relax myself enough to go to sleep.. plus some nights i get that stupid "im scared to go to sleep" nonsense that comes out now and again .. i just upset myself because i am scared to go to sleep incase something happens to me in my sleep and no one knows or notices anything and well i guess i am afraid of dying.. although what makes the situation daft is that i kinda like self harm sometimes on a regular basis some i dont do for weeks on end and yet i am afraid of death - what is that about!? its stupid and i know that i am stupid and today i really feel like i just a spare part i am in the way of everything and everyone and i feel now that patience are running out with me now and i guess that is also what is scaring me the most.
i have gotten so bad now that when i see someone naked i get all nervous and concious i cant even watch my friend get in and out of the bath i have to hold a towel up over my eyes so i dont see and its just madness i just dont know whats wrong with me anymore, and i really wish that someone could see this and realise there is more to me than what meets the eye!
i am still disapointed and down about my assessment that i had on the 18th of november, as there wasnt really any outcome except for anxiety tabs and talking about getting help with the anxiety its like right, what about the other stuff.. and then said they are going to have a meeting about me and discuss further help they can supply me - which will end up with nothing again i bet!
why do i have to be soo bloody good at hiding everything all the goddamned time it sucks!! why cant i be like one of them people who have no problems expressing themself and letting on how they feel etc. why do i have to constantly sit in my shell and hide myself away all the time!? this seriously sucks now!! and to make matters even worse i have been taking Citalopram anti depressants, i was on 20mg for 2 months, and now i am on 40mg and i been on them over 2 weeks, so basically i am what, 2 and a half months in and i still feel miserable like i do each and every day from the moment i wake up to the moment i go to sleep.. nothing and no one is helping me and it is driving me mad, i really wish that someone cared enough to see me, some of the friends that say are friends bothered with me, rung me up every so often instead of talking to me once and then buggering off and not speaking to me again for months on end, same goes to my family, my grandparents moan i dont see them, aunts and uncles too but they dont see that it aint just me who is in the wrong as they would put it but they are too but no it always goes down on my shoulders, why dont anyone want to see me why dont none of my friends bother with me anymore!? am i that much of a problem that no one wants to be seen with me anymore!? am i that shamefull that no one wants to be with me or see me etc.!?
i kept falling asleep waking up falling asleep and waking up most of the time i trying to get some sleep it is madness.. plus what makes matters worse is that i keep waking up various times whilst asleep in a cold or hot sweat but i dont know why.. its only been like it for a few weeks or so i guess.. i not sure!
eventually i got up around 4pm very very bad i am going to do my best to sit up all night tonight and go to sleep bit earlier tomorrow because this is silly.. all i do is sit up half the night because i cant settle or relax myself enough to go to sleep.. plus some nights i get that stupid "im scared to go to sleep" nonsense that comes out now and again .. i just upset myself because i am scared to go to sleep incase something happens to me in my sleep and no one knows or notices anything and well i guess i am afraid of dying.. although what makes the situation daft is that i kinda like self harm sometimes on a regular basis some i dont do for weeks on end and yet i am afraid of death - what is that about!? its stupid and i know that i am stupid and today i really feel like i just a spare part i am in the way of everything and everyone and i feel now that patience are running out with me now and i guess that is also what is scaring me the most.
i have gotten so bad now that when i see someone naked i get all nervous and concious i cant even watch my friend get in and out of the bath i have to hold a towel up over my eyes so i dont see and its just madness i just dont know whats wrong with me anymore, and i really wish that someone could see this and realise there is more to me than what meets the eye!
i am still disapointed and down about my assessment that i had on the 18th of november, as there wasnt really any outcome except for anxiety tabs and talking about getting help with the anxiety its like right, what about the other stuff.. and then said they are going to have a meeting about me and discuss further help they can supply me - which will end up with nothing again i bet!
why do i have to be soo bloody good at hiding everything all the goddamned time it sucks!! why cant i be like one of them people who have no problems expressing themself and letting on how they feel etc. why do i have to constantly sit in my shell and hide myself away all the time!? this seriously sucks now!! and to make matters even worse i have been taking Citalopram anti depressants, i was on 20mg for 2 months, and now i am on 40mg and i been on them over 2 weeks, so basically i am what, 2 and a half months in and i still feel miserable like i do each and every day from the moment i wake up to the moment i go to sleep.. nothing and no one is helping me and it is driving me mad, i really wish that someone cared enough to see me, some of the friends that say are friends bothered with me, rung me up every so often instead of talking to me once and then buggering off and not speaking to me again for months on end, same goes to my family, my grandparents moan i dont see them, aunts and uncles too but they dont see that it aint just me who is in the wrong as they would put it but they are too but no it always goes down on my shoulders, why dont anyone want to see me why dont none of my friends bother with me anymore!? am i that much of a problem that no one wants to be seen with me anymore!? am i that shamefull that no one wants to be with me or see me etc.!?
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