Am I Really As Bad As I Think I Am...

I just don't know what to do anymore. I am at a loss and just feel miserable and very hurt.
Basically, every time I try and make plans to see someone I always get messed about and lied too. I don't understand it but no one wants to know me anymore and it really hurts.

My so called best friend wants nothing to do with me pretty much she barely speaks to me now. Last time she did this was when she got a boyfriend so no doubt she is seeing someone else now and I just get dropped because I am no longer needed or wanted. She just doesn't care about me anymore and I don't understand what I have done wrong or why she is treating me badly now. She messaged me out of the blue over a week ago and she got shitty with me because I told her that she can't just ignore me and expect me to drop everything and go running to see her I can't keep doing that. It's not fair on me. She picks me up and drops me when it suits her. I mean our friendship has always been one sided, and that was me going out of my way to hang out with her because for some reason she refuses to come to my place now. I have been here for almost 2 and a half years and she has been round here twice to stay over. If she does come round we are here for like 10mins and she wants to go straight away and stuff like that. It's frustrating because she promised me when I moved in on my own she would be here for me and she would be round every chance she got and from then she just made up all these excuses and it got to the point where I stopped asking.
It pissed me off last week because I had arranged to go out with her sister (also one of my friends) to go with her to get her tattoo done and she wanted me to dye her hair. I stupidly agreed but then when I thought about it I was just like why am I doing this, I don't know why I agreed to this. As it happened her sister who I went with to get her tattoo asked me to do her hair and so I agreed to do hers because I had already messed up her hair in the first place and I said I'd fix it. But as it happened I was told I was needed by someone else so I cancelled doing their hair on Thursday and my so called friend wasn't interested when I said that I needed to finish off some stuff at the flat as I had my medical on friday.

Oh that reminds me, none of them asked me how I got on! Only people who checked up on me was my mum and my sister. That's it but then granted I didn't announce it to everyone because it's not their business it's mine and my issues that I had to get through. Which has also made me realise that I am just wasting my time on so called friends.

I just don't understand what the hell is wrong with me and why no one wants to be my friend and why people feel the need to treat me so badly. It really really hurts and I am just stuck I don't know what to do or say or anything it sucks. I know I am not the easiest person to get on with as I can be moody and I do tend to keep myself to myself a lot and not bother anyone with my problems or if I am having a bad day because in reality no one actually cares or gives a crap and my so called friend proved that when she asked me once how I was feeling and I admitted that I wasn't doing so well and she completely ignored that and started talking about herself and how she is so ill and she hopes to go to work the next day etc. In the end I did to her what she did to me and just give her basic responses and just wasn't interested because all I kept thinking was if that's how she treated me that day is this what shes been doing to me the last couple of years and I have been too blind to notice?

I honestly do what I can for others and make time for them and talk to them when they need someone to talk too etc. I do it because I know how it feels when no one is here for me and I don't want anyone to feel the same way I do all the time because it isn't fair.
Now, I don't do all this to make sure that someone is here for me in the long run because I know that in reality it doesn't happen. I just don't want people feeling the same way I feel constantly.

All that this has made me feel like shit and that my world is crashing down around me. It's also made me feel that I am as worthless that I think I am same with unwanted and unloved. I also feel very lonely and I just want to close my heart and my mind up and not let anyone else in because this really is so hard. I think having the BPD has made this worse because I don't think like a normal person does my emotions and feelings are different which doesn't help..

Sometimes I Wonder Why I Bother...

So, growing up I never really had any proper friends. I used to have people offer to be here for me and talk to whenever I needed too.. I started to put my trust into people and one day it all changed.
Basically the person in question did the usual I am here if you ever need to talk to someone etc etc etc and so I was having a few issues and he was online and asked me how I was and I opened up and admitted that I was struggling and he turned on me and I was distraught and heartbroken and said to him that you said I could talk to you if I needed too and then he continued to have a go at me and blocked me on MSN Messenger. I was so upset and confused that I just didn't know what to do. Except just let this blow over. He never spoke to me again not even at school.

Since that moment I had decided that I was never going to open up to anyone again and I didn't very often, I kept everything to myself because I also realized that people just don't really care. They can tell you they do, but in reality do they?

I then decided that I was going to make sure that no one else felt the way that I did again because it wasn't nice and it wasn't fair as there are genuine people out there who do need someone and despite all my issues and problems I always make sure that everyone else is ok.

Although, this time I am wondering why I bother being there for people especially my so called best friends because I spend time making sure that they're ok and I will do what I can to help them..
But, what happens when it comes to me? I can tell you what happens, nothing. I was having a hard time recently with the change in my medication and trying something new and the only person who was there for me was my mum. Granted I did not tell my sister or my brother what was going on. But I did that because my sister has 3 kids my nephews and I didn't want her to worry about me when she already has the kids to look after, but I did speak to her a couple times and then eventually opened up as soon as I saw her which was the Monday after my doctors appointment which was 2 weeks ago. My so called friends knew as one of them I look after her kids for on a Tuesday and it just felt like no one believed me. Eventually she came back and said that she was worried about me as I wasn't myself and said to her point blank that it was what I had been telling her but she didn't listen!
Think its time for me to be selective on who I talk to now saves getting hurt even more..

Well That Didn't Go As I Had Hoped...

At the beginning of the month I had wrote a post about coming off my Mirtazapine tablets to try something new called Venlafaxine. Within a few days of taking the new meds I had a couple of side effects which I thought at first was a good thing and then all of a sudden I had lost myself and the side effects had got worse and got to the point where I couldn't look after myself properly.

The side effects I had were
- Sweating
- Dry Mouth
- Feeling Sleepy
- Trouble Sleeping
- Feeling Sick

These side effects were awful. I already have trouble sleeping as I have Insomnia amongst other things but it got to the point where I was falling asleep gone 4 often 5 or 6am in the morning. I was still waking up around 9am or 11am when my alarm goes off but I was constantly tired and it got to the point where I wasn't really eating anything during the day. I didn't see anyone for 2 weeks except for my mum she had popped round to see me and brought me shopping when I needed it. All I asked her to get me was soup and bread and a few goodies like doughnuts and cake and crisps. I don't know what I would've done if my mum hadn't come round to check on me and help me.
With the sweating I found myself spending days without clothes on because it was the only way I felt cooler.

I had my check up on Friday 18th and it was so stressful. I had a bit of a meltdown before I went to the doctors because I had to go by myself, my mum had agreed to meet me in the end so I had to walk to my sisters as that is where she was. I wore my coat because it was raining on and off but found myself really hot even though I just had a tshirt on underneath I thought I'd be fine but I really wasn't. I had waited for almost 25mins for a bus to take us to the doctor and where it was late I was stressing myself and worrying I wouldn't make the doctors on time. So my mum said to ring them and let them know that I am running a little late. Issue was when the bus finally came it was the one that goes the long way around Bersted and whilst I was in the call queue the bus eventually turned up so I let them know I would be running late and explained the buses were late and then the receptionist turned around and said that my Doctor was running a full clinic and if I am more than 5 mins late the doctor will make me as DNA (did not attend) and it would be down to the doctor if she would see me or not. With being stressed and worried about the buses being late I then got more stressed worrying about how long it will take the bus to go to the doctors and then when we got there just before 2:30 which was the time of my appointment my mum and I rushed as fast as my legs would take me to walk down the road. My legs started to feel like jelly as we were just outside the doctors so I checked I could sign myself in on the screen luckily I still could and then sat down and waited to be called in. Luckily I had made it just in time to my appointment.

I told my doctor about everything I have gone through the last 2 weeks with not being able to cope with all the side effects. I told her what I had and how bad it had got for me. I hate to admit it but it got so bad that I no longer did anything I didn't even shower either every day or every other day I didn't really eat anything and even my doctor could see that I wasn't myself as I have seen her 3 or 4 times now so she noticed that I wasn't myself. She told me there and then to stop taking the medication and just take the Quetiapine at night like I normally do. She did mention Promethazine to help with me sleeping and I said I already take those. Bedale had prescribed them to me last year when I had my last appointment there and I had mentioned that I had been taking the Promethazine at the same time as the Quetiapine whilst I was taking the Venlafaxine but it made no difference.
It's crazy how a lower dose of medication counteracted the other medication which is a higher dose.

I am a little disappointed with all of this and unfortunately I cannot get the last 2 weeks back but I am so glad that my family are so understanding with how I have been feeling and haven't pushed me to do something that won't help.

Yesterday which was Monday 21st October I managed to go out. My mum met me after I got out the shower and we were going to go to town but I didn't want to go in the end so I told mum that I only wanted a new saucepan and asked if she would mind if I just went to my sisters first and she was fine with that.
It felt so good to be able to get out I saw my sister and my littlest nephew and waited for my middle nephew to finish school and then my eldest nephew does football after school on a Monday so I waited to see him too. It felt great to see my sister and my gorgeous nephews. I have missed them all so much I felt bad for not being around but I couldn't force myself to do something I could not do.
I also managed to do a little shopping last night too. I got myself BBQ Pulled Pork and Cheesy Mash from Tesco for my dinner last night and grabbed a few other bits I needed like micro meals more soup and got a few cakey bits too. I didn't get no crisps because I had forgotten that I didn't have any left lol but it's fine. But I have enough food to last me a week or so.

As for the doctors I have an appointment in 2-3 weeks time to see how I am getting on with just the Quetiapine and Promethazine. I can go back on the Mirtazapine IF I want too but at the moment my doctor wants to see how I get on without those ones which is fine.

Google+...

Just found out that ALL my blogs are sharing to my Google Plus and the worst part is everything that get's shared on my page is Public!!

Obviously my idea and point of writing these different blogs I own is because it is supposed to reach people and hopefully help people, but didn't expect to see it all on my Google Plus account!
I don't use it, I think I set it up because of the issue that people were having with Facebook years ago but I never worked out how to use Google Plus properly so I left it.

Not much on there, it's just gonna take a while to delete different posts! Booooooo

The Mental Health System SUCKS...

On the 16th December, I had a call from this lady I see from MIND called Jo, stating that she had finally got hold of my CPN at Bedale and she would explain to me when I saw her the following Monday what was said and has been done.

Jo had told me that my CPN is getting an appointment to me in the post, which I thought was brilliant as I knew I would've got it by Christmas, as I knew that the last 2nd class posting date was 18th and 1st class was the 19th.

Well.. Today is the 30th December and nothing has come in the post yet, I did receive some new iPhone charging leads that I ordered on Sunday (28th) how can something that I ordered a week later come quicker than my appointment!? Something doesn't add up, and I really do have a feeling that my CPN is doing all that she can to get rid of me.

In August I was set up to see the lady I see from MIND and I have told her over and over that I feel that my CPN just wasn't interested in helping me, and all she wanted to do was to palm me off on to someone else. Jo isn't trained to be a CPN or Pychologist/psychaitrist etc. she is a bit like a social worker, maybe? I am not 100% sure, all I know is that Jo works for MIND.

When I last spoke to my GP regarding my medication, that I spoke to my CPN, Val about my medication because the medication I am currently on doesn't work, and I have tried 5 different sets of anti depressants over the last 7/8 years or so and I think she felt that me seeing if I could talk to my CPN to perhaps talk to the psychatrist who gave me my Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis, to find out what medication would be best suited for me because of the fact that all the different ones I had been taking do not work.

Firstly she said she will pass my information over to the psychatrist, I then finally got another appointment with my CPN after weeks of calling and leaving messages getting no response, then having to get my doctors to ring my CPN that I had finally got to see her, when I asked about my medication, she then informed me that the psychatrist was then off sick but she could pass my information to another qualified person to see what they can do, and I never heard anymore from my CPN from that point, and then she never gave me a follow up appointment.

I have been having a few melt downs over the last few months, one got really bad whilst I was travelling to my aunt and uncles on the bus as I didn't know if I was still getting picked up or not, and instead of asking, I decided to take myself there. I had a panic attack after panic attacks it was a horrible experience for me.. First the bus is too busy to sit downstairs, I decided to go upstairs (and almost falling down them because having short legs) as soon as I tried getting off the bus people were coming down the stairs the same time I was, then there was loads of people crowding around the bus so I struggled to get through the crowd to get off and move =( then 2 buses came to go to my aunts, decided to get the 2nd because there was too many people trying to get on the 1st.. But then all of a sudden they started following me, and started to crowd around me again, lost my balance and fell over ='( only person who was interested in helping and making sure I was ok was the ticket inspector.. As soon as I got on I forgot where I was going, then when paid I went to walk away and there was a woman crowding round me again trying to scan her pass, she was told to get straight on it was just one thing after another!! I don't know how I did it, but I managed to keep my cool, but it wasn't till I got off the bus and started walking up to my aunts I burst into tears.. Had to hold back for a few mins so that I could calm down and didn't want anyone to see me crying as didn't want the attention..

Been struggling to continue taking my medication.. I am getting to the point where I can't be bothered anymore!!

Let's hope if the post does bring me a letter tomorrow (31st December) with an appointment, I could do with it.. If I don't get anywhere then I am going to have to find a way of making a complaint. Fed up with having been let down by the mental health system! 

People Make Me Laugh..

Talk about pathetic..

WHY do people dictate to others what they can and cant do.. I mean, I know someone who thinks they can dictate to others what they should do, just so that they can get what they want??

" Tell her to go out so I can come round "
" Throw her out so I can come and stay "
" Pack a bag you aren't wanted "
" Why are you there, he doesn't want you "
" Get out of the house or I will sort you out "

There are so many statements that I could list, but cant because there are far too many stupid comments that people have let slip through their mouths.
What do these people think, or expect to gain from this!? Do they REALLY think they can get their own way just because they want what someone else has got, perhaps?

But it does just go to show how two faced some people can be, they will be nice as pie to your face then in a split second could be stabbing you in the back within minutes..
It does just go to show that not many people can be trusted, and people do tend to take advantage of you and your kind nature.

If you are seeing this post and realised that you are the one whom made these statements - think again before trying to stir up trouble.. IDIOT!!

Rant Over!