Somewhat Strange Day Today...

Today has been a somewhat strange day.. I had a medical for my benefits this morning and I hadn't been looking forward it, if anything I have been extremely nervous and worried about the situation. I think it was because I didn't actually know if the person coming out to me was male or female and I also had to do the whole meeting by myself as I couldn't get anyone to come to me and sit with me to support me. I did ask Michelle the lady I see in town but she couldn't come to me which was very disappointing as I couldn't ask anyone else to be here for me as my sister was in bed catching up from the night shift and my mum was at hers looking after her youngest before getting her up in time to pick the kids up from school. I clearly have no friends at the moment so I didn't bother talking to anyone about it or mentioning it.
But I'll get into that in a different post no doubt.

Anyway, I was tired last night so I decided to get into bed around midnight but I couldn't actually settle because I was getting stressed about today. I was so stressed and anxious that my heart literally felt like it was going to beat out of my chest and I started to have a panic attack. It was just awful. Luckily a few months ago my new doctor gave me some new tablets called Propranolol to take for the anxiety and panic attacks and it didn't take long for them to kick in which I was quite glad with as it meant I could at least attempt to get some sleep. I was awake till gone 2am in end and I just couldn't stay asleep I kept waking up every hour thinking I had been asleep for hours and it was ready to get up - which it clearly wasn't lol I managed to keep falling back to sleep again. But I couldn't stay asleep so I ended up just getting up around 9am this morning and then I changed my bedding as it needed doing but I couldn't be bothered to do it last night. And made sure that I was dressed was meant to do my hair but I forgot which was fine because when my buzzer went it was a female I had a huge sigh of relief but I was still very nervous.

We talked about the mental health issues that I had listed in my claim which was the depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, EUPD. I also mentioned that I have been diagnosed with Insomnia now too! Madness that I've got all these issues wrong with me I forget some times until it all gets listed off. She asked me a lot of questions and I must had given her a lot of information because she did a lot of writing lol which I am guessing is always a good thing, right?
We talked about my issues and struggles and gave her a list of medication that I am currently taking and what I take them for and how much.

Once she asked me about my mental health issues she stopped and said that in my notes it mentions me having a laparoscopic operation. I stopped froze, and just started crying. I apologized for getting upset, and continued to tell her that the operation I had was because I had an Ectopic Pregnancy. She apologized to me as she didn't realise that was what had happened and said she was sorry for my loss. I didn't go into too much detail because I was really upset and in shock and also a little confused. But I did tell her that I do now have problems with my periods. I don't think that the problems with my period is actually from losing my left Fallopian tube because those problems arised when I had my first abnormal smear. I told her that I had a hysteroscopy a few years ago which was to remove some of the lining of my womb to test it and it came back that I have endometrial hyperplasia which is a hormone issue and the lining basically grows to quick and that's why I have heavy and often painful periods. Although the issue comes and goes. I used to be on hormone tablets but at the moment I am not on anything because the problems I have clear up themselves sometimes it can be an issue especially the flooding I often experience but I do have tablets for that that helps and I tend to take them more at night and when I am going out because there is nothing worse than taking a step and needing the toilet almost instantly because worried I've flooded already and not even gone far.

I have to say though the lady who came to see me today was really nice and she helped me feel at ease a little. Especially considering the weirdest thing about the medical was that the doctors last name was the same as mine :) she wasn't English though I didn't ask where she came from or where her parents are from as its a little personal. But my surname is quite rare in a way and it also originates from Turkey apparently but who knows. My dad may do because he has been doing our family tree but hasn't said no more about it.

After she left I had a few more tears because I was just in shock in how she knew about the laparoscopic operation and then found that these doctors have some kind of access to my medical records but the issue with the notes is is that there wasn't any information given really except that my left tube had ruptured. One day I'd like access to those notes but I have read they can refuse you access based on your mental health issues so I don't think I'll ever get to see it.

In the end I composed myself and decided to head over to my sisters to see her and my nephews but as I had mentioned at the start she was in bed catching up on sleep from her night shift last night so it was my mum, youngest nephew till my sister woke up. I talked to mum about the medical I had and then when my sister came down she asked me how it went and I told her what happened too including them asking about the operation that she wanted to talk about. It'll take up to 6 weeks depending on how quick they do the paperwork in my area it could come earlier it just varies so I probably wont find out till March I reckon.
Spending the rest of the day with my mum, sister and my 3 nephews once the older 2 came back from school was just what I needed.. I played with them and got us all into trouble pmsl they've got toy guns with foam bullet things and plastic on the tops my oldest nephew took a bullet and he shot it at me twice so I took it to put it in the one I had and he got upset even though I wasn't actually going to shoot him with it lol so we got told off hehe I love those 3 boys and I will be glad when I am starting to properly feel myself again because I can then start seeing them a lot more again instead of just once a week. I just need to sort myself out and get back in to the doctors to see my doctor. Apart of me just wants to get in and see someone else but then I have the issue of explaining what my other doctor has done and why she's done it and then explaining again what I am there for, at least if I see or speak to my normal doctor I wont need to explain everything as she should in theory remember what she wanted to do with me and do with my medication. Apart of me thinks I need to go back on my Mirtazapine but I am also unsure if that's the right option. I just don't think I am stable enough to come off ALL my medication still especially after the issues I am having with coming off the Mirtazapine and tried the Venlofaxine..

I Can Breathe A Sigh Of Relief...

Follow up from my last entry Computers & Technology Are So Frustrating... where I explained about my issue with my hard drive last week.

I had spoke to someone about the lead I brought and that I picked up the multi adaptor plug, and it turned out that I had a little yellow thing under the plug which has the different outputs from 3v to 12v! We passed messages back and forth and said that if anything will happen to my hard drive, it would just fry the mother board in the caddy not my hard drive itself.
Been putting off doing it as I was very nervous as I did not want to lose anything from my drive as I have stored so much over the years, as I do tend to take a lot of photographs with my phone! I also download a lot of stuff off Google or save things from Facebook etc.
Went through my old messages on Facebook and found the ones where he told me to plug in the adptors and it didn't work so was like nooooooo this can't be happening! So I thought screw it, lets turn the adaptor round and try again and all of a sudden my laptop made the noise it makes when you plug a USB in! I was so happy to hear it and crossed my fingers hoping that it didn't corrupt or anything and it didn't!!

I am so happy and I am still calming myself down after building up so much worry and anxiety over my hard drive and losing everything! I am now able to do my graphics and I am able to keep moving stuff from my laptop to my hard drive and vice versa!

Its time to give in..

And get my butt to the doctors..

I need to sort out my problem.. as i am confused as to whats going on and why nothings happened..
And i need to sort out my meds/help!
I stopped taking the meds during december, not on purpose! i was ill with flu and i couldnt go docs because they wont let you in with a flu because of stupid swine flu.. and i couldnt get a repeat prescription because i needed the check up.. and then i stopped attending the bedale center again because something happened and it put me back to the start again where i was afraid to go out and be alone etc.
So i am hoping that can be easily sorted..

Although i have to admit i am worried about the outcome of all that though, because what i am scared of more than anything is death... which i have to admit sounds weird coming from someone who used self harm! but its the truth.. i am scared out of my wits when it comes to it..!
The thought of not seeing the stars, the moon, the seasons and the weather hurts..!

I do not know what to think or make of current events at the moment as nothing seems to ever be easy, and i do not know why..!
I mean, one min things are fine.. well not fine but ok and then within a blink of an eye everythings worse off again!

Maybe, just maybe, i need a bloody holiday... hmm!!!



Still.. one can always hope!!!

World STOP.. I Wanna Get Off....

Ohh God.. Ohh God.. Ohh GOD...

There is sooo much changing, and sooo much happening that i just cannot keep up any longer..

My head feels like a washing machine on a fast cycle.. Everything jumbling around and round and getting caught up amongst many many other items of clothing inside the washing machine..

It just gives me a big headache and it no fair anymore.. I just cant keep up or allow one thing to enter my head to sort out at just that one time.. and i dont know why!

I really really wish things wasnt so messed up inside my head and was easy to talk about things and allow them to come out and leave and never return, but it doesnt seem to want to work that way and i dont know why :(

Just let me get off now, i'm feeling sick...!!

As if feeling like a washing machine wasn't enough for me, i also feel like i am on a rollercoaster...

A rollercoaster of change..

I know its going to sound really stupid, but i just found out that my dad is now seeing someone also.. and i feel bit odd about it all..

When mum and dad split up i was really unhappy and freightened of what it would mean and become, and worrying about how things would be at home, and how it would be with just Mum, but then dad came home again and it got awkward :( always arguing and saying things to each other and moaning about each other behind their backs!! Awkward

When my mum started  seeing someone not long after dad it didnt feel right, and same with the others after that it didnt feel right, it didnt feel right that dad and mum had split up either :(

But now both of them have someone, and it just feels over.. i dont feel like i am apart of a family anymore, i cant go and say

"I live with my mum and dad and siblings" or "i have a mum and dad" now, its "i live with my mum" and "i have a mum, and a dad"

and then soon, i'll end up with step-parents!!

Why does it have to be so final.. so finished...

The State Of My Life, Is Unbelievable

Well, i am 23 in 2 days (13th) and omg, i am at the same point as i was last bloody year
- no job
- no life
- no family
- no money
- no friends
no nothing!!!!

I dont understand, i was seeing Kevin up till about 2 weeks ago when he decided to tell me that he was going to discharge me because i had to reschedual the last 2 appointments, and i was apparently late for the one i turned up for - the receptionist told me i was booked in for 2pm not 3pm but i swear i was booked in at 3pm ... so that pissed me off pretty much!
So now, since he had not let me know if i had managed to get on the STEPPS programme, nor did i get help from a lady at the surgery called Kirsty, for Anxiety & Depression and now i will not know if i get my stupid assessment for BPD - so it just seems that i wasted all my time and efforts in attempting to sort myself out because of my ectopic, everything has in a way gone down the pan.
On the 15th it would had been 2 months since the date, but 8 weeks on monday just gone since i had the op. and it is a nasty reminder that i cant do anything right... i mean, it has really made me feel like i have the worlds worst amount of luck!
yet i wasnt born on Friday 13th!!! - however my 18th birthday was on a bloody friday!!....maybe thats what done it?
Again, i dont understand what caused this, and weather or not my right fallopian is clear or fine - until i get another one, i guess?
I have been so depressed again the last couple of days because of the state of the way my life is at the moment, and the way things are at home...
I was informed the other day that the house was being Evaluated, to see how much it is worth as it looks like things are getting to the point now where they are going to have to sell the house...!!
I dunno, it just seems and feels like nothing to me is ever simples anymore! lol its crazy, i mean i dont know how i am coping, or how i am plodding along still..but i am!?
I think i might just stick to growing flowers from seeds - and making hanging baskets and stuff with the seeds i own and have bought and growing veggies too, better than nothing... really, right?

Tomorrow i am going to make sure i get up early enough to ring the bloody doctor and get this sorted out, because i for one cannot live like this anymore and i cannot repeat cannot do any of this by myself, really.. i do need help! and yes, i am admitting to it, but it is difficult with my anxiety and agoraphobia that comes and goes ... driving me Nuts!!!

Reality Check..

Today i have realised a few things about myself, a few things that are really stupid, others are silly etc.


I left  my job, the only job i 'loved' and 'enjoyed' all because of my depression, and i felt that i was being singled out because the staff i was working with ended up not liking me, and then thats when and where the problems started.

I worked my last day on the 13th July 2008 and i unfortunatly have not put myself back into the situation of having a job again, for the fear of being rejected, singled out, and ending up with more problems worse or similar to what i went through with Card Factory.

I learnt everything pretty quick, and with the supervisory experience i had working at McColls before hand (twice) they gave me the supervisor job on a sunday within a week of being in Card Factory, i dont think it was the sudden responsibility that changed me, or well maybe a little.. but then bit more of it would had been the christmas part of the job, i had no idea that the shop would be jam packed, busy and very cramped. so i kinda backed out a little and i became ill, with a stupid cold/cough that left me with loosing my voice etc. but then thats when the trouble started properly, i did my best and gave what i could but unfortunatly that wasnt good enough, and a few months later i started getting told
"people arent happy with how you work"
..i couldnt help that i had problems, and i wasnt the only person who used a mobile whilst i worked - in fact half the staff (mainly the younger ones) kept their mobile on them texted behind the tills etc. and because i was already in trouble with my depression - they singled me out! - stupid really.. and if i had been strong enough i would had stood up for myself instead of letting them get to me, and kinda ruin me!
but unfortnatly i stupidly gave in and told them i was going to hand in my notice!

i unfortunatly have let this ruin me and i now have problems with wanting to work for the fear of going through it again!

And I Begin To Wonder..

Ok so now i have decided to try and sort a dentist out, after breaking 2 teeth, over the space of a year.. they have not caused any pain, and hardly any discomfort, but now i am worried as one of my teeth has only got a quarter left i believe.. its really scaring me because i dont want to be awake and i dont want to witness anything, i want to be sleep like they do for operations but apparently no one would do that. and what with my breathing problems and anxiety and panicking all the time - then it may go wrong or thats what i feel and worry about.. probably stupid n silly i know, but i know i wont be able to handle it.. i cringe at the noises and sounds in holby city and casulty.. so i feel and know i wont be able to cope!
even if i did try and be brave i wont be able to handle it because i just worried i will be on my own.. etc.

have been feeling bit off, partly because of it and worrying about dentists etc. but there are still various things getting me down all the time, its just really hard to pick myself up.. i am still taking my tablets the sertraline ones, but i still feel that nothing is changing and nothing is working to help me feel better or anything..