Another Check Up Done And Dusted...

Today 1st November I had another check up with my doctors to see how I am getting on without the Venlafaxine and see how I am getting on with just taking my Quetiapine.

I got stressed as again the buses were up the shoot again like they were when I last went to the doctors 2 weeks ago for my last check up. Luckily my friend was at home as I asked if she could come get me because although I had left a little earlier this time I was still waiting almost 30mins for a bus!
When I got there there was a few people waiting and more people came along and asked if they had missed the bus to which someone else replied saying that they don't know whats going on as the bus hasn't turned up! It eventually turned up when I got picked up, but it was the bus that goes the long way around which meant that I would be late for my appointment.
As it happened I managed to get there on time but if it wasn't for her I wouldn't have got there.

My doctor called me in and I explained that since I had seen her I have gone out a bit more and that my feelings had come back. Not Monday gone (28th October) the one before which would've been the 21st October I managed to go to my sisters and saw her and the boys and told her what had happened and why I was struggling etc. and eventually we were laughing and joking and I knew that I was starting to feel myself. But it has only been within the last week that I have been crying again but I am glad because it means that all my feelings are coming back which I was thankful for.

She mentioned that she is still reluctant to put me back on the Mirtazapine which is fine, but she did want me to come off the Quetiapine or at least reduce it down. I said not at the moment because I still need something to help as although I am still struggling with sleeping I don't think I will be ready to come off it. So we agreed that I'd give it a couple of months at least with just taking the Quetiapine and taking the Promethazine less or not at all which is what I pretty much do any way.. She went to give me some more information on Insomnia but I think she gave me it recently so I told her to not worry about printing it, plus I could look it up myself if I need to.
Only other thing she has suggested is doing a little more exercise even if I just go for a walk around the block and to eat a little healthier. I did admit that I brought myself some strawberries plums and grapes but I should really add some more vegetables as well. Only time I've really been eating it recently is eating vegetable soup which I really enjoy..

I got told that I need to change my surroundings but issue is I live in a studio flat I don't have my bedroom separate but she suggested maybe adding a curtain to try and separate it which may or may not work but I do not really have any room for a proper chair although I am considering seeing if I could find somewhere else to sit instead of on my bed all the time.
Oh and I need to stop the stimulations as well which means no telly on whilst I am trying to sleep - that in itself is gonna be hard as it is my routine. Not that I actually watch it lol but I did mention that years ago I had a whale and dolphin CD that plays the sounds of the sea and clicks from the dolphins as well as relaxing music in the background. So I need to find that and try that again and see if that will help. Meditation she suggested as well which I am going to look into. I said I use wax melts a lot during day and often in evening so concentrating on the smells is a distraction. I am fed up with the insomnia but half the time I cannot help it but I am more with it and alert more at night than I am during day it's weird..

Well That Didn't Go As I Had Hoped...

At the beginning of the month I had wrote a post about coming off my Mirtazapine tablets to try something new called Venlafaxine. Within a few days of taking the new meds I had a couple of side effects which I thought at first was a good thing and then all of a sudden I had lost myself and the side effects had got worse and got to the point where I couldn't look after myself properly.

The side effects I had were
- Sweating
- Dry Mouth
- Feeling Sleepy
- Trouble Sleeping
- Feeling Sick

These side effects were awful. I already have trouble sleeping as I have Insomnia amongst other things but it got to the point where I was falling asleep gone 4 often 5 or 6am in the morning. I was still waking up around 9am or 11am when my alarm goes off but I was constantly tired and it got to the point where I wasn't really eating anything during the day. I didn't see anyone for 2 weeks except for my mum she had popped round to see me and brought me shopping when I needed it. All I asked her to get me was soup and bread and a few goodies like doughnuts and cake and crisps. I don't know what I would've done if my mum hadn't come round to check on me and help me.
With the sweating I found myself spending days without clothes on because it was the only way I felt cooler.

I had my check up on Friday 18th and it was so stressful. I had a bit of a meltdown before I went to the doctors because I had to go by myself, my mum had agreed to meet me in the end so I had to walk to my sisters as that is where she was. I wore my coat because it was raining on and off but found myself really hot even though I just had a tshirt on underneath I thought I'd be fine but I really wasn't. I had waited for almost 25mins for a bus to take us to the doctor and where it was late I was stressing myself and worrying I wouldn't make the doctors on time. So my mum said to ring them and let them know that I am running a little late. Issue was when the bus finally came it was the one that goes the long way around Bersted and whilst I was in the call queue the bus eventually turned up so I let them know I would be running late and explained the buses were late and then the receptionist turned around and said that my Doctor was running a full clinic and if I am more than 5 mins late the doctor will make me as DNA (did not attend) and it would be down to the doctor if she would see me or not. With being stressed and worried about the buses being late I then got more stressed worrying about how long it will take the bus to go to the doctors and then when we got there just before 2:30 which was the time of my appointment my mum and I rushed as fast as my legs would take me to walk down the road. My legs started to feel like jelly as we were just outside the doctors so I checked I could sign myself in on the screen luckily I still could and then sat down and waited to be called in. Luckily I had made it just in time to my appointment.

I told my doctor about everything I have gone through the last 2 weeks with not being able to cope with all the side effects. I told her what I had and how bad it had got for me. I hate to admit it but it got so bad that I no longer did anything I didn't even shower either every day or every other day I didn't really eat anything and even my doctor could see that I wasn't myself as I have seen her 3 or 4 times now so she noticed that I wasn't myself. She told me there and then to stop taking the medication and just take the Quetiapine at night like I normally do. She did mention Promethazine to help with me sleeping and I said I already take those. Bedale had prescribed them to me last year when I had my last appointment there and I had mentioned that I had been taking the Promethazine at the same time as the Quetiapine whilst I was taking the Venlafaxine but it made no difference.
It's crazy how a lower dose of medication counteracted the other medication which is a higher dose.

I am a little disappointed with all of this and unfortunately I cannot get the last 2 weeks back but I am so glad that my family are so understanding with how I have been feeling and haven't pushed me to do something that won't help.

Yesterday which was Monday 21st October I managed to go out. My mum met me after I got out the shower and we were going to go to town but I didn't want to go in the end so I told mum that I only wanted a new saucepan and asked if she would mind if I just went to my sisters first and she was fine with that.
It felt so good to be able to get out I saw my sister and my littlest nephew and waited for my middle nephew to finish school and then my eldest nephew does football after school on a Monday so I waited to see him too. It felt great to see my sister and my gorgeous nephews. I have missed them all so much I felt bad for not being around but I couldn't force myself to do something I could not do.
I also managed to do a little shopping last night too. I got myself BBQ Pulled Pork and Cheesy Mash from Tesco for my dinner last night and grabbed a few other bits I needed like micro meals more soup and got a few cakey bits too. I didn't get no crisps because I had forgotten that I didn't have any left lol but it's fine. But I have enough food to last me a week or so.

As for the doctors I have an appointment in 2-3 weeks time to see how I am getting on with just the Quetiapine and Promethazine. I can go back on the Mirtazapine IF I want too but at the moment my doctor wants to see how I get on without those ones which is fine.

Its time to give in..

And get my butt to the doctors..

I need to sort out my problem.. as i am confused as to whats going on and why nothings happened..
And i need to sort out my meds/help!
I stopped taking the meds during december, not on purpose! i was ill with flu and i couldnt go docs because they wont let you in with a flu because of stupid swine flu.. and i couldnt get a repeat prescription because i needed the check up.. and then i stopped attending the bedale center again because something happened and it put me back to the start again where i was afraid to go out and be alone etc.
So i am hoping that can be easily sorted..

Although i have to admit i am worried about the outcome of all that though, because what i am scared of more than anything is death... which i have to admit sounds weird coming from someone who used self harm! but its the truth.. i am scared out of my wits when it comes to it..!
The thought of not seeing the stars, the moon, the seasons and the weather hurts..!

I do not know what to think or make of current events at the moment as nothing seems to ever be easy, and i do not know why..!
I mean, one min things are fine.. well not fine but ok and then within a blink of an eye everythings worse off again!

Maybe, just maybe, i need a bloody holiday... hmm!!!



Still.. one can always hope!!!

1 Week On...

This time last week i was in the middle of having my operation! scary thoughts really.. in some ways!
i cant believe how quick it has kinda gone by, and i also cant believe i still aint got my head around it and it still has not sunk in, but i guess it could be due to the faulse hopes i was kinda given over the last month did not really help much, but i guess when i think about it properly and realise that i have only got one ovary & fallopian tube now and the chances of having another baby are going to be cut by half.. although i am unsure on how i would concieve again as i thought i was infertile.. plus i dont know if i would have an ectopic again! - hopefully NOT but its still risks & things i have at back of mind.

Today i had to go to the doctor to hand over my information from the operation last week, unfortunatly my darling brother wrote on my envelope thinking it was scrap/rubbish! so it may be well seem bit weird on the page but i guess they can get another copy from the hospital if need be and required..!
anyways.. my dr said that my "glued bits" are healing up nicely, my middle one has been oozing, but unsure if it is old or new, but said that they are looking ok and i have no worries about them, just leave the air to get to it! I also feel i may have a urine infection something like thrush/cystitus.. but she did say i am bound to get an infection but my body shall fight it but if still not good by weekend or whatever i go back and sort it properly.. i got new tablets Naproxen as the diclofenic ones apparently cause heart disease n can cause stomach upset and the dr dont prescribe them i was thinking OMG.. but its ok! lol
Went to get my prescription got back in car realised i had not picked up my sick note so i had to go back into the surgery to get it from the front desk - then found out that there are debt collecters after me oops.. so i had to then sort out my sick note for the ESA on the phone, tried to contac the debt collectors to see if i can sort out payments next week as no money till esa sick note back on!

Now however i am resting, as i kinda feel i may have over done it tonight, as i am feeling tiny bit sore again but i guess it is now the air, sweat and skin to skin rubbing..