This year Christmas was really hard for me and I don't know why..
Beginning of December my sister had messaged my mum and I and said that her and her hubby had been talking and they decided that they wanted to have Christmas Day to themselves and for us to go round on Boxing Day instead. I was happy to do it that way as I just go with the flow and don't really mind what I do as long as I see my sister her hubby and my 3 nephews then I am happy no matter what I do. So my brother and his fiance asked what we were doing this year and they had invited us both over for Christmas Day and I had been contemplating it for a few weeks and couldn't work out what I wanted to do for the best. I wanted to spend Christmas Day with my brother as it had been a long time since we spent time together but I knew that I wouldn't be able to afford the taxi fair as it was double time and it already costs £20 to go to Littlehampton in a cab as my mum had done it in the past. So that kind of put me off. But I also knew that I haven't been feeling 100% still I am getting there but still not fully there. And I didn't want to have a few issues during the day and ruin it for everyone including my mum. So I was adamant that I wanted to stay at home this year and had been saying that's what I wanted until the weekend before Christmas when I got a text from my best friend asking me what my plans were and that she the hubby and kids would be happy if I joined them. So I started contemplating that. I knew that at least IF I couldn't continue and I had had enough I had the choice of when I wanted to go home. And it would mean that my mum wouldn't have to leave early because of me and she deserved this she deserved a good Christmas and a good Christmas Dinner so I told her she should go and I would sort something else out and that I'd catch up with her before we go to my sisters.
Christmas Eve I went to Midnight Mass that I've been doing for the last 3 years and it was a lovely service, different from the years before as well which was interesting. At least they don't stick to the same carols or story line etc. I didn't get back until a little before 1am on Christmas Morning and I was then awake till gone 5am as I couldn't sleep.
I woke up Christmas Day around 10am and I didn't want to get out of bed. I just couldn't stop crying and I don't know why. I eventually managed to get in the shower and even when I got out I started crying again.. I forced myself to get dressed and I got a text from my bestie saying that dinner was almost ready and she was gonna give me time for him to come and get me and I text straight back saying "no, send him now" I had already got my presents ready and bagged up so I just put my shoes on pulled my big girl pants up with my leggings and wiped the tears away and went downstairs to find him already there waiting for me. So I composed myself, took a deep breath and walked out the front door. I checked my complexion in his mirror of the car and wiped my eyes and we chatted a little in the car. When I got there I had a cigarette waiting for me so I took the gifts inside and went back out for the fag. I chatted with her daughters boyfriend who was there with their baby (my Goddaughter) and he asked how I was feeling and I admitted I didn't know what was wrong with me and burst into tears again! He gave me a hug and was so lovely he was reassuring me and said that they all love me and that he's here for me. It's lovely to hear that people do care about me when I feel and think no one really does but that is a BPD trait unfortunately and no matter what I try and do it's not going to change so easily. When we went in they poured me a couple of glasses of bucks fizz - I know they're not very strong but it was a start. I had taken a bottle of Kopperburg Rose with me that I brought back in the summer and has just sat in the fridge (I drank the whole bottle within a couple of hours)
We did a little gift giving and one of the gifts my bestie had made for me made me cry and I got some really nice bits from her and her hubby and her 3 younger kids all saved up their pocket money and brought and chose their own gifts. I was so touched by their gifts and give them all a hug.
After we did out gift giving I went back to her parents house with the rest of her family and we played cards and they all ate bits at the table luckily I was given a mini box with some left over gammon and stuffing so I ate some of that. Her dad saved me some of the stuffing that he makes every year it is just amazing and cannot explain what it tastes like or what is in it because I don't really know.
I was up and down all evening and it was all getting a little bit much for me but we had quite a few breaks whilst playing cards luckily so I had a few fags and I was still drinking. I had taken a bottle of lemonade with me along with some peach schnapps.
When I got home I reflected on the day and I broke down again and got emotional after realizing what I had done and how I coped etc. I ended up staying awake till around 5am Boxing Day!
As I mentioned I fell asleep around 5am on Boxing day morning and I woke up around 10 but I kept snoozing till around 12ish because I was just so tired and exhausted. My mum came to me around 2:30ish in the end and we had a catch up and we talked about how her day went with my brother and his fiance and how mine went with my best friend and then I gave her my gifts and she gave me some money as she didn't know what to get me bless her but I said it was fine because it can go into my savings and go towards something I need. We left mine around 4pm and headed round to my sisters.. We gave the boys our gifts I had a couple of pictures taken with my nephews and I got told off by my youngest for trying to help him take his tickle me Elmo out of its box pmsl they are so funny and they loved their bits.. us adults which was my sister her hubby mum and I had a nice Chinese to eat which was amazing! I tried some satay chicken which was lush and had a bit of what I usually eat which is crispy chilli chicken and grilled lemon chicken along with chicken balls and chips. I felt so fat after eating that and surprised I managed to walk home I was so bloated lol
I have to admit I had a better day Boxing Day. And although I was adamant that I wanted to stay at home by myself I am kinda glad that I didn't. I am still exhausted but that's because I still need to catch up on my sleep lol hopefully I will eventually but I am not worried at the moment.
Showing posts with label Issues. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Issues. Show all posts
Saturday, December 28
Friday, November 1
Another Check Up Done And Dusted...
Today 1st November I had another check up with my doctors to see how I am getting on without the Venlafaxine and see how I am getting on with just taking my Quetiapine.
I got stressed as again the buses were up the shoot again like they were when I last went to the doctors 2 weeks ago for my last check up. Luckily my friend was at home as I asked if she could come get me because although I had left a little earlier this time I was still waiting almost 30mins for a bus!
When I got there there was a few people waiting and more people came along and asked if they had missed the bus to which someone else replied saying that they don't know whats going on as the bus hasn't turned up! It eventually turned up when I got picked up, but it was the bus that goes the long way around which meant that I would be late for my appointment.
As it happened I managed to get there on time but if it wasn't for her I wouldn't have got there.
My doctor called me in and I explained that since I had seen her I have gone out a bit more and that my feelings had come back. Not Monday gone (28th October) the one before which would've been the 21st October I managed to go to my sisters and saw her and the boys and told her what had happened and why I was struggling etc. and eventually we were laughing and joking and I knew that I was starting to feel myself. But it has only been within the last week that I have been crying again but I am glad because it means that all my feelings are coming back which I was thankful for.
She mentioned that she is still reluctant to put me back on the Mirtazapine which is fine, but she did want me to come off the Quetiapine or at least reduce it down. I said not at the moment because I still need something to help as although I am still struggling with sleeping I don't think I will be ready to come off it. So we agreed that I'd give it a couple of months at least with just taking the Quetiapine and taking the Promethazine less or not at all which is what I pretty much do any way.. She went to give me some more information on Insomnia but I think she gave me it recently so I told her to not worry about printing it, plus I could look it up myself if I need to.
Only other thing she has suggested is doing a little more exercise even if I just go for a walk around the block and to eat a little healthier. I did admit that I brought myself some strawberries plums and grapes but I should really add some more vegetables as well. Only time I've really been eating it recently is eating vegetable soup which I really enjoy..
I got told that I need to change my surroundings but issue is I live in a studio flat I don't have my bedroom separate but she suggested maybe adding a curtain to try and separate it which may or may not work but I do not really have any room for a proper chair although I am considering seeing if I could find somewhere else to sit instead of on my bed all the time.
Oh and I need to stop the stimulations as well which means no telly on whilst I am trying to sleep - that in itself is gonna be hard as it is my routine. Not that I actually watch it lol but I did mention that years ago I had a whale and dolphin CD that plays the sounds of the sea and clicks from the dolphins as well as relaxing music in the background. So I need to find that and try that again and see if that will help. Meditation she suggested as well which I am going to look into. I said I use wax melts a lot during day and often in evening so concentrating on the smells is a distraction. I am fed up with the insomnia but half the time I cannot help it but I am more with it and alert more at night than I am during day it's weird..
I got stressed as again the buses were up the shoot again like they were when I last went to the doctors 2 weeks ago for my last check up. Luckily my friend was at home as I asked if she could come get me because although I had left a little earlier this time I was still waiting almost 30mins for a bus!
When I got there there was a few people waiting and more people came along and asked if they had missed the bus to which someone else replied saying that they don't know whats going on as the bus hasn't turned up! It eventually turned up when I got picked up, but it was the bus that goes the long way around which meant that I would be late for my appointment.
As it happened I managed to get there on time but if it wasn't for her I wouldn't have got there.
My doctor called me in and I explained that since I had seen her I have gone out a bit more and that my feelings had come back. Not Monday gone (28th October) the one before which would've been the 21st October I managed to go to my sisters and saw her and the boys and told her what had happened and why I was struggling etc. and eventually we were laughing and joking and I knew that I was starting to feel myself. But it has only been within the last week that I have been crying again but I am glad because it means that all my feelings are coming back which I was thankful for.
She mentioned that she is still reluctant to put me back on the Mirtazapine which is fine, but she did want me to come off the Quetiapine or at least reduce it down. I said not at the moment because I still need something to help as although I am still struggling with sleeping I don't think I will be ready to come off it. So we agreed that I'd give it a couple of months at least with just taking the Quetiapine and taking the Promethazine less or not at all which is what I pretty much do any way.. She went to give me some more information on Insomnia but I think she gave me it recently so I told her to not worry about printing it, plus I could look it up myself if I need to.
Only other thing she has suggested is doing a little more exercise even if I just go for a walk around the block and to eat a little healthier. I did admit that I brought myself some strawberries plums and grapes but I should really add some more vegetables as well. Only time I've really been eating it recently is eating vegetable soup which I really enjoy..
I got told that I need to change my surroundings but issue is I live in a studio flat I don't have my bedroom separate but she suggested maybe adding a curtain to try and separate it which may or may not work but I do not really have any room for a proper chair although I am considering seeing if I could find somewhere else to sit instead of on my bed all the time.
Oh and I need to stop the stimulations as well which means no telly on whilst I am trying to sleep - that in itself is gonna be hard as it is my routine. Not that I actually watch it lol but I did mention that years ago I had a whale and dolphin CD that plays the sounds of the sea and clicks from the dolphins as well as relaxing music in the background. So I need to find that and try that again and see if that will help. Meditation she suggested as well which I am going to look into. I said I use wax melts a lot during day and often in evening so concentrating on the smells is a distraction. I am fed up with the insomnia but half the time I cannot help it but I am more with it and alert more at night than I am during day it's weird..
Sometimes I Wonder Why I Bother...
So, growing up I never really had any proper friends. I used to have people offer to be here for me and talk to whenever I needed too.. I started to put my trust into people and one day it all changed.
Basically the person in question did the usual I am here if you ever need to talk to someone etc etc etc and so I was having a few issues and he was online and asked me how I was and I opened up and admitted that I was struggling and he turned on me and I was distraught and heartbroken and said to him that you said I could talk to you if I needed too and then he continued to have a go at me and blocked me on MSN Messenger. I was so upset and confused that I just didn't know what to do. Except just let this blow over. He never spoke to me again not even at school.
Since that moment I had decided that I was never going to open up to anyone again and I didn't very often, I kept everything to myself because I also realized that people just don't really care. They can tell you they do, but in reality do they?
I then decided that I was going to make sure that no one else felt the way that I did again because it wasn't nice and it wasn't fair as there are genuine people out there who do need someone and despite all my issues and problems I always make sure that everyone else is ok.
Although, this time I am wondering why I bother being there for people especially my so called best friends because I spend time making sure that they're ok and I will do what I can to help them..
But, what happens when it comes to me? I can tell you what happens, nothing. I was having a hard time recently with the change in my medication and trying something new and the only person who was there for me was my mum. Granted I did not tell my sister or my brother what was going on. But I did that because my sister has 3 kids my nephews and I didn't want her to worry about me when she already has the kids to look after, but I did speak to her a couple times and then eventually opened up as soon as I saw her which was the Monday after my doctors appointment which was 2 weeks ago. My so called friends knew as one of them I look after her kids for on a Tuesday and it just felt like no one believed me. Eventually she came back and said that she was worried about me as I wasn't myself and said to her point blank that it was what I had been telling her but she didn't listen!
Think its time for me to be selective on who I talk to now saves getting hurt even more..
Basically the person in question did the usual I am here if you ever need to talk to someone etc etc etc and so I was having a few issues and he was online and asked me how I was and I opened up and admitted that I was struggling and he turned on me and I was distraught and heartbroken and said to him that you said I could talk to you if I needed too and then he continued to have a go at me and blocked me on MSN Messenger. I was so upset and confused that I just didn't know what to do. Except just let this blow over. He never spoke to me again not even at school.
Since that moment I had decided that I was never going to open up to anyone again and I didn't very often, I kept everything to myself because I also realized that people just don't really care. They can tell you they do, but in reality do they?
I then decided that I was going to make sure that no one else felt the way that I did again because it wasn't nice and it wasn't fair as there are genuine people out there who do need someone and despite all my issues and problems I always make sure that everyone else is ok.
Although, this time I am wondering why I bother being there for people especially my so called best friends because I spend time making sure that they're ok and I will do what I can to help them..
But, what happens when it comes to me? I can tell you what happens, nothing. I was having a hard time recently with the change in my medication and trying something new and the only person who was there for me was my mum. Granted I did not tell my sister or my brother what was going on. But I did that because my sister has 3 kids my nephews and I didn't want her to worry about me when she already has the kids to look after, but I did speak to her a couple times and then eventually opened up as soon as I saw her which was the Monday after my doctors appointment which was 2 weeks ago. My so called friends knew as one of them I look after her kids for on a Tuesday and it just felt like no one believed me. Eventually she came back and said that she was worried about me as I wasn't myself and said to her point blank that it was what I had been telling her but she didn't listen!
Think its time for me to be selective on who I talk to now saves getting hurt even more..
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