Monday, November 30

30th November...

last night was very bad, was up till gone 8am this morning, i just couldnt settle i was high as a kite in places tired in others and then it just went round and round like a circle for the whole night, i eventually went to sleep took me a while as i was laying there thinking whats the point in going sleep now when i sleep all day blah blah blah although eventually i must had fallen asleep as i woke up to my mobile ringing at around half 12 although it is on silent i heard the vibrations but i couldnt work out what it was, they never rung back so i guess it wasnt important!?
i kept falling asleep waking up falling asleep and waking up most of the time i trying to get some sleep it is madness.. plus what makes matters worse is that i keep waking up various times whilst asleep in a cold or hot sweat but i dont know why.. its only been like it for a few weeks or so i guess.. i not sure!
eventually i got up around 4pm very very bad i am going to do my best to sit up all night tonight and go to sleep bit earlier tomorrow because this is silly.. all i do is sit up half the night because i cant settle or relax myself enough to go to sleep.. plus some nights i get that stupid "im scared to go to sleep" nonsense that comes out now and again .. i just upset myself because i am scared to go to sleep incase something happens to me in my sleep and no one knows or notices anything and well i guess i am afraid of dying.. although what makes the situation daft is that i kinda like self harm sometimes on a regular basis some i dont do for weeks on end and yet i am afraid of death - what is that about!? its stupid and i know that i am stupid and today i really feel like i just a spare part i am in the way of everything and everyone and i feel now that patience are running out with me now and i guess that is also what is scaring me the most.
i have gotten so bad now that when i see someone naked i get all nervous and concious i cant even watch my friend get in and out of the bath i have to hold a towel up over my eyes so i dont see and its just madness i just dont know whats wrong with me anymore, and i really wish that someone could see this and realise there is more to me than what meets the eye!
i am still disapointed and down about my assessment that i had on the 18th of november, as there wasnt really any outcome except for anxiety tabs and talking about getting help with the anxiety its like right, what about the other stuff.. and then said they are going to have a meeting about me and discuss further help they can supply me - which will end up with nothing again i bet!
why do i have to be soo bloody good at hiding everything all the goddamned time it sucks!! why cant i be like one of them people who have no problems expressing themself and letting on how they feel etc. why do i have to constantly sit in my shell and hide myself away all the time!? this seriously sucks now!! and to make matters even worse i have been taking Citalopram anti depressants, i was on 20mg for 2 months, and now i am on 40mg and i been on them over 2 weeks, so basically i am what, 2 and a half months in and i still feel miserable like i do each and every day from the moment i wake up to the moment i go to sleep.. nothing and no one is helping me and it is driving me mad, i really wish that someone cared enough to see me, some of the friends that say are friends bothered with me, rung me up every so often instead of talking to me once and then buggering off and not speaking to me again for months on end, same goes to my family, my grandparents moan i dont see them, aunts and uncles too but they dont see that it aint just me who is in the wrong as they would put it but they are too but no it always goes down on my shoulders, why dont anyone want to see me why dont none of my friends bother with me anymore!? am i that much of a problem that no one wants to be seen with me anymore!? am i that shamefull that no one wants to be with me or see me etc.!?

Sunday, November 29


All i can say right now is WOW friend just done this well cool thing with a bag, and i was astonished at how it was done, as it was like omg.. how on earth do you do that, and he started to tell me about Morecombe & Wise, which i have never heard of until now, and after him show me this video:

all i have to say is wow.. i am sooo gonna try this!! lol
he has just nipped out to the shops, so i am due some more examples and more of a little lesson of this famous couple who was comedians.. when i am able i am soooo gonna try this some time, it was just so cool and i really hope that i can do good like they did with a bag! lol

sometime soon i am gonna try this lol so be warned! although i wont be as good as these two, but i am willing to have a go! :)

29th November

Today i am having a very slow day, i have spent it in bed as it is bloody cold out there, and all that i can hear is rain hitting the roof or the windows its kinda annoying as thats all the weather does is rain rain and rain some more.
not that i have a problem of the rain its just its driving me mad its all it does outside and all i can hear! and if it is not the rain it is the poxy winds!
i dunno i guess i am sick of the weather..? and i guess i am sick of what i am doing and who i am and everything?

for the past couple of days i have felt just invisible and unwanted and not needed either, i just see everyone around me happy when i am not in the room and every one getting on it is just awful i guess..
i mean i ruined my relationship, all because i am crap at being a girlfriend crap at being a friend and just generally crap at everything i guess.. i dunno i just wish that whatever i come across etc i ruin, i have caused various problems at home with my family for many years previous and including past relationships.. i dunno maybe i just not worthy of friends or family, i love my family very much, i also love my boyfriend, but i guess he has moved on now, and nothing i can do to change it, i wish i could i really really wish i could, but it is hard to make a difference when you have screwed up so many times before.
i just hope that i aint apart of the reason why my dad left, because he has had to deal with my brother and his autism, and probably cant handle having another child with problems, i mean yeah as i said before we are old enough now to make our own choices etc. but he is still my dad and i really wish my dad cares about me, i mean i rung him up last night, to tell him i needed his help as i ran out of pads due to my monthly thing.. and well he didnt ask how i was, how my brothers doing or even my sister, he just didnt ask a thing, and i guess i just wish i feel needed by someone, but i aint even needed by my own dad.. he has moved on moved out and everything.
i wish i didnt have this burden and i wish i could be normal like everybody else but i guess that aint gonna happen anytime soon.. wish it would do that though..

Saturday, November 28

My Brothers 17th Birthday

Here are some pictures that was taken on my brothers birthday tea that my mum held for him, that was meant to be a bit of a suprise, but i was running late, as i fell asleep in the bath *oops* but still my brother had a good time, despite dad, but hey.. as i keep telling everyone we have each other and thats all we need, and if dad doesnt want much to do with us then so be it, it aint out loss's at the end of the day thats his... but anyway, here are some pictures that was taken.

Dan (My Brother) with Mum Holding Birthday Gateaux:

This Is My Cousin Amy With Summer (her daughter) And Me:


This is My Mum With Summer:


This Is Dan (my brother) With Summer:

This Is Becci (my sister) With Summer:


This Is Me With Summer:

We had fun despite a few missing guests and few missing family members, but we had a few laughs and few tears, but still was nice having the family together for a tea.

28th November..


I know i have not posted in a few days, but i have had a rough couple of days and im trying to think of new things i can do or make over the internet so i have been busy trying to sort that bit out including doing a bit of work for a friend, well it wasnt so much work, just sorting their reciepts out as they are well over a year behind lol took me 4 and a half hours. still least i made the folder tidy and neat and sorted everything out!
anyways, back to me.
I havent had such a good few days since my brothers birthday, i still havent gone out, i was due to go out this afternoon with my mum as i needed few bits in town, but i just couldnt go! its awful.. i dunno why but i am just so nervous before i leave that i get panic attacks and just want to hide away in doors all the time, i just dont know why or what to do.. i mean christmas is coming, and what with whats going on with my parents i dont know whats going to happen, if dad be home if dad be away.. and i just dont know if it is going to be a good christmas in some respects i guess, in a way i am pretty sure my dad WONT bother with us this year, all because we are all grown up he thinks and feels we dont need him anymore, and well if my dad could see this then maybe he'd actually realise that no matter how old you get you always always ALWAYS need a dad! just because his dad wasnt there for him when he needed him, doesnt mean that we dont need him anymore or anyless.. but hey what can you do - he wont listen to any of us, pretty sad really to be honest, but oh well.. if my dad chooses to not be in touch for over a week since he took me out for my assessment then that is his problem.. i need my dad, yes, but at the end of the day he chose to walk out on us, so at the end of the day that is his loss...!!
god why are men so bloody awful to live with or talk to etc. it is bloody annoying if you ask me! *lol*
other than that side of things i just still dont seem to be myself i keep rowing with everyone again, upsetting people, and generally falling out all the time! its unbelievable i just dont know why i am like this, if i take my tablets then i am as miserable as i was when i started them beginning of october, and if i dont take them i am moody and tetchy and rude and stressy.. very difficult in some respects to be with or anything.. i am trying to cope as much as i can without the stupid Bedale mental health centre - as i am still waiting upon a bloody follow up from the 18th of November!!! my appetite is up and down one min i starving the next i dont wanna eat a thing, i still not sleeping properly and everything, i just wish that someone would bloody help me and give me some idea of what i am doing with myself and some idea of what i am meant to do and how to cope and get the help i need, but for some reason because i hide it all deep in side - very well i might add - that no one seems to believe there is something wrong, i mean yeah so i dont tell everyone how i feeling anymore, i dont open up i hide away for the day on my own in my room or something, but it doesnt mean there aint nothing wrong with me, i write when i depressed, or i keep my diary up to date or at least try, i put all my feelings down on paper or through notepad on the laptop etc. i just wish that someone would bloody help me sometimes. i had printed everything off to try and help explain and they've still not been in touch.. i mean what a lot of help they are.. NOT!!!
ohh i dunno.. i just dont know how much longer i can cope and how much longer it will take before everyone gets fed up with me and starts dropping me like hot potatoes!!

Friday, November 27

26th November..

well today was my little brothers 17th birthday, its scary really, i mean he is a grown up, he aint my little brother whom my sister and i used to dress up in girls clothes, attempt put make up on him, and put mums bras on him which we then filled up with socks lol those were the days..
i am quite proud of him having a good time, despite our father doing a disapearing act on us and not bothering with us kids much, yeah ok we are all over 16 now so we aint really kids, but no matter how old you get you still require a father, someone to be there for you! so well done for my little brother to stay strong and not let it get to him!
at this birthday tea we had my mum had organised it all, she invited - our sister, Becci her boyfriend Alan, our cousin Amy with her daughter Summer and then of course myself and our mother! it was a lovely evening we had some laughs, and some tears and some moaning *lol* mainly about dad - but that i guess was to be expected?
we took a few pictures, but i doubt my dad will see them as he is never really online much, but hey i guess at the end of the day he is the one missing out, not us, but still i kinda wish he was there whereas in others i do not - strange situation i guess.
i havent been toooo bad today i guess, i have had a few outbursts but that will be due to not taking my tablets until late but i tried hard to hold it together for my brother, even if i did have a breakdown before i left and was very panicky at the start..! strange i am really..
 the rains came down again tonight, pretty hard and there was massive flashes of lightning and really really loud bangs of thunder it was awful the whole house shook up and it felt like the ceilings was gonna cave bcoz it was so loud and close very scarey!
i not big fan of storms and tonight had just made me very shakey and nervous!

Wednesday, November 25

A Little Blog About Me..

..About Me..

i thought i would write a blog about myself as i know not everyone reads a profile.
this will not take long as there aint much to know about me really.. lol



Bognor Regis - United Kingdom


.. Favourites ..
Sausages, Chips, Burgers,

Red - Blue - Pink - Purple - Black

I Listen To All Kinds

Ghostbusters, Beaches, Disney, Romy & Michelle, The Sweetest Thing, Click, 50 First Dates, Nick And Norah, Juno, Fern Gully

 Black - Wonderful Life

Britney Spears
Fastfood Restaurant(s):
McDonalds & KFC

Take Away:

Chinese, Kebab

* Family * Friends * Music * Photography * Movies *

* Thunder * Spiders * Being Alone * Liars * Cheats * Being Judged

24th November 2009

Day 54 (24.11.09)
today i have been really down, i have been thinking too much about giving up again. i just feel like i am letting everyone down and ruining every ones lives. there is not much left for me now i just want to leave, or just die the quickest way possible.
i am never happy anymore, i am never smiley or telling jokes etc.
i am fed up with being the person i am now, i really am! i cant sleep at night because of it, i cant eat proper lately i been over eating which i have never done before, and i just cant get happy within my self anymore.
maybe it is my weight maybe its the boyfriend maybe its my life i don't know what it is that is making me feel like this, i just wish that i could be somewhere where i don't have to upset people and ruin my family and friendships and relationships. there are many people out there dying, and i think of it and it makes me sad, because although they're dying most people make the most of it, but i am alive and miserable, sometimes i wish i could give up my life for someone else, for someone like my sister, to be able to bring her back and for me to take her place would be an amazing thing, or even my nan, bring her back at least my mum will have her mum again, you know stuffs like that!
most people say thy were put on this earth for a reason.. well i wish i knew mine. no one wants me no one acknowledges me etc.
i wanna be like everyone else, be independent be loved be happy be fun be everything i wish i could be instead of being this thing i am now!

it is difficult being in my situation in some ways but i don't really wanna say anything to anyone because it ain't fair on lumbering my problems etc on to someone else and then i feel guilty or feel like i don't want to carry on after telling someone what i said because i guess in some ways i am kinda embarrassed of myself and that actually could be why i hide away from everyone and everything.
I used to be OK, not great not good but OK - and i had a job, admittedly it was only 1 day a week but it still was OK until one day someone decided that they was going to come and cause me problems at work and upset me and what with having to try and control my mental health and my self harming and then with some of the staff which felt like were ganging up on me i just then couldn't handle it any more that something inside just gave up..

i wish i knew what i could do to make this better, and i wish that someone else would help me professionally, but i guess i get turned away again like i always do! :(

Tuesday, November 24

Welcome To My Blog.

Hello, and welcome to my blog.
I am new to all this as i have never used a blog site before, and i am going to be doing it based upon me and my problems, so admittedly i am very nervous as i get judged a lot and i often get the mickey taken out of me or bullied - although admittedly i have kept this locked up deep in side now for a while and no one really knows anything about me anymore for i fear of opening up.
But here i will keep an online type diary including the one i have been keeping for the last 2-3 months about myself and my problems, i am not sure if i should start from the beginning by copying and pasting things over to show what i have been doing and going through for the last few months.
I am hoping that if i did this that i could hopefully make new friends, and find people similar to me or having problems like i am to help others and to gain help and support from other people.
I will be adding one big bulk blog with the entries i have been keeping for the last 2 months, so it gives a better understanding of what i have been going through instead of posting 1 and hoping people know,
i shall also post a blog with some information about me, so that would also help you to know more about myself as well as listening and reading about my problems.

I hope to get out of this blog:
- New Friends - if possible
- Gain Help
- Help Others

i hope that you will follow me and comment or do what ever it is you do on the blog sites as i have never used one up till now.