Today marks 2 years since my grandfather passed away, and today I just feel so numb.
I am feeling different to the way I did last year and the day when he passed away it is weird and just hard to explain.
Yesterday was my Aunt's birthday and that was the day (28.12.17) that I got the call telling me that Grandad is very poorly and they were sure that he was going to go. When I got there he was asleep and he had woke up and was laughing with us joking and farting away like he always does. But after a while he changed and he just went back to sleep again.
I think about that day often, when I got there my Nan, Great Aunt Lilian (Grandads sister) my Aunt and her hubby was there with 3 of my cousins and their boyfriend & girlfriend, my other aunt and cousin and just remember the conversation he had before he just slept. He told us that he had a dream and that he went to heaven and that we were all there with him. My uncle told him jokingly that he was being silly to which my grandad turned around and said "Fuck the lot of you then. I wont take you to Heaven with me" when everyone went home I just wanted to sit with my grandad a little longer and so I did. I just sat there and held his hand looking at him and I didn't say anything.. I just didn't want to leave him but my friend was on her way to pick me up and so I let one of the nurses know I was leaving. He passed away early hours 29.12.17. We think he passed away the moment my dad flew back into the UK as he was in Sweden on holiday. I didn't know anything about it until my mum rang me. My aunt and uncle knew that I wanted to be told if anything happened but my dad decided that he wanted to tell us himself in the morning. I rang him and said whats going on and he went "oh yeah theres something I need to tell you Grandad has gone!" I was so angry because I was meant to be told as soon as there was any changes. Only reason I found out through my mum was because he rang his brother who has had nothing to do with Grandad for years first. Who in turn told Grandads brother and his wife that he had passed away and she took it upon herself to message my mum :(
I remember it all and I remember when I went to see my Grandad in the funeral home on what would've been his 79th birthday just over a week later. I talked to a couple of people about going and they was worried about me doing it because of the state I was in with my mental health already and they was worried it would affect any of my memories and despite what I saw I have to admit that it never tainted of my memories. It gave me a new one, but not ruined any of the other ones I have growing up..
If I could change one thing, well some things I would go back and change that I didn't just sit in silence and that I talked to him more once everyone had left and I wish that I could change it so that he never got poorly and he was still here...
Sunday, December 29
Saturday, December 28
What A Christmas I Had...
This year Christmas was really hard for me and I don't know why..
Beginning of December my sister had messaged my mum and I and said that her and her hubby had been talking and they decided that they wanted to have Christmas Day to themselves and for us to go round on Boxing Day instead. I was happy to do it that way as I just go with the flow and don't really mind what I do as long as I see my sister her hubby and my 3 nephews then I am happy no matter what I do. So my brother and his fiance asked what we were doing this year and they had invited us both over for Christmas Day and I had been contemplating it for a few weeks and couldn't work out what I wanted to do for the best. I wanted to spend Christmas Day with my brother as it had been a long time since we spent time together but I knew that I wouldn't be able to afford the taxi fair as it was double time and it already costs £20 to go to Littlehampton in a cab as my mum had done it in the past. So that kind of put me off. But I also knew that I haven't been feeling 100% still I am getting there but still not fully there. And I didn't want to have a few issues during the day and ruin it for everyone including my mum. So I was adamant that I wanted to stay at home this year and had been saying that's what I wanted until the weekend before Christmas when I got a text from my best friend asking me what my plans were and that she the hubby and kids would be happy if I joined them. So I started contemplating that. I knew that at least IF I couldn't continue and I had had enough I had the choice of when I wanted to go home. And it would mean that my mum wouldn't have to leave early because of me and she deserved this she deserved a good Christmas and a good Christmas Dinner so I told her she should go and I would sort something else out and that I'd catch up with her before we go to my sisters.
Christmas Eve I went to Midnight Mass that I've been doing for the last 3 years and it was a lovely service, different from the years before as well which was interesting. At least they don't stick to the same carols or story line etc. I didn't get back until a little before 1am on Christmas Morning and I was then awake till gone 5am as I couldn't sleep.
I woke up Christmas Day around 10am and I didn't want to get out of bed. I just couldn't stop crying and I don't know why. I eventually managed to get in the shower and even when I got out I started crying again.. I forced myself to get dressed and I got a text from my bestie saying that dinner was almost ready and she was gonna give me time for him to come and get me and I text straight back saying "no, send him now" I had already got my presents ready and bagged up so I just put my shoes on pulled my big girl pants up with my leggings and wiped the tears away and went downstairs to find him already there waiting for me. So I composed myself, took a deep breath and walked out the front door. I checked my complexion in his mirror of the car and wiped my eyes and we chatted a little in the car. When I got there I had a cigarette waiting for me so I took the gifts inside and went back out for the fag. I chatted with her daughters boyfriend who was there with their baby (my Goddaughter) and he asked how I was feeling and I admitted I didn't know what was wrong with me and burst into tears again! He gave me a hug and was so lovely he was reassuring me and said that they all love me and that he's here for me. It's lovely to hear that people do care about me when I feel and think no one really does but that is a BPD trait unfortunately and no matter what I try and do it's not going to change so easily. When we went in they poured me a couple of glasses of bucks fizz - I know they're not very strong but it was a start. I had taken a bottle of Kopperburg Rose with me that I brought back in the summer and has just sat in the fridge (I drank the whole bottle within a couple of hours)
We did a little gift giving and one of the gifts my bestie had made for me made me cry and I got some really nice bits from her and her hubby and her 3 younger kids all saved up their pocket money and brought and chose their own gifts. I was so touched by their gifts and give them all a hug.
After we did out gift giving I went back to her parents house with the rest of her family and we played cards and they all ate bits at the table luckily I was given a mini box with some left over gammon and stuffing so I ate some of that. Her dad saved me some of the stuffing that he makes every year it is just amazing and cannot explain what it tastes like or what is in it because I don't really know.
I was up and down all evening and it was all getting a little bit much for me but we had quite a few breaks whilst playing cards luckily so I had a few fags and I was still drinking. I had taken a bottle of lemonade with me along with some peach schnapps.
When I got home I reflected on the day and I broke down again and got emotional after realizing what I had done and how I coped etc. I ended up staying awake till around 5am Boxing Day!
As I mentioned I fell asleep around 5am on Boxing day morning and I woke up around 10 but I kept snoozing till around 12ish because I was just so tired and exhausted. My mum came to me around 2:30ish in the end and we had a catch up and we talked about how her day went with my brother and his fiance and how mine went with my best friend and then I gave her my gifts and she gave me some money as she didn't know what to get me bless her but I said it was fine because it can go into my savings and go towards something I need. We left mine around 4pm and headed round to my sisters.. We gave the boys our gifts I had a couple of pictures taken with my nephews and I got told off by my youngest for trying to help him take his tickle me Elmo out of its box pmsl they are so funny and they loved their bits.. us adults which was my sister her hubby mum and I had a nice Chinese to eat which was amazing! I tried some satay chicken which was lush and had a bit of what I usually eat which is crispy chilli chicken and grilled lemon chicken along with chicken balls and chips. I felt so fat after eating that and surprised I managed to walk home I was so bloated lol
I have to admit I had a better day Boxing Day. And although I was adamant that I wanted to stay at home by myself I am kinda glad that I didn't. I am still exhausted but that's because I still need to catch up on my sleep lol hopefully I will eventually but I am not worried at the moment.
Beginning of December my sister had messaged my mum and I and said that her and her hubby had been talking and they decided that they wanted to have Christmas Day to themselves and for us to go round on Boxing Day instead. I was happy to do it that way as I just go with the flow and don't really mind what I do as long as I see my sister her hubby and my 3 nephews then I am happy no matter what I do. So my brother and his fiance asked what we were doing this year and they had invited us both over for Christmas Day and I had been contemplating it for a few weeks and couldn't work out what I wanted to do for the best. I wanted to spend Christmas Day with my brother as it had been a long time since we spent time together but I knew that I wouldn't be able to afford the taxi fair as it was double time and it already costs £20 to go to Littlehampton in a cab as my mum had done it in the past. So that kind of put me off. But I also knew that I haven't been feeling 100% still I am getting there but still not fully there. And I didn't want to have a few issues during the day and ruin it for everyone including my mum. So I was adamant that I wanted to stay at home this year and had been saying that's what I wanted until the weekend before Christmas when I got a text from my best friend asking me what my plans were and that she the hubby and kids would be happy if I joined them. So I started contemplating that. I knew that at least IF I couldn't continue and I had had enough I had the choice of when I wanted to go home. And it would mean that my mum wouldn't have to leave early because of me and she deserved this she deserved a good Christmas and a good Christmas Dinner so I told her she should go and I would sort something else out and that I'd catch up with her before we go to my sisters.
Christmas Eve I went to Midnight Mass that I've been doing for the last 3 years and it was a lovely service, different from the years before as well which was interesting. At least they don't stick to the same carols or story line etc. I didn't get back until a little before 1am on Christmas Morning and I was then awake till gone 5am as I couldn't sleep.
I woke up Christmas Day around 10am and I didn't want to get out of bed. I just couldn't stop crying and I don't know why. I eventually managed to get in the shower and even when I got out I started crying again.. I forced myself to get dressed and I got a text from my bestie saying that dinner was almost ready and she was gonna give me time for him to come and get me and I text straight back saying "no, send him now" I had already got my presents ready and bagged up so I just put my shoes on pulled my big girl pants up with my leggings and wiped the tears away and went downstairs to find him already there waiting for me. So I composed myself, took a deep breath and walked out the front door. I checked my complexion in his mirror of the car and wiped my eyes and we chatted a little in the car. When I got there I had a cigarette waiting for me so I took the gifts inside and went back out for the fag. I chatted with her daughters boyfriend who was there with their baby (my Goddaughter) and he asked how I was feeling and I admitted I didn't know what was wrong with me and burst into tears again! He gave me a hug and was so lovely he was reassuring me and said that they all love me and that he's here for me. It's lovely to hear that people do care about me when I feel and think no one really does but that is a BPD trait unfortunately and no matter what I try and do it's not going to change so easily. When we went in they poured me a couple of glasses of bucks fizz - I know they're not very strong but it was a start. I had taken a bottle of Kopperburg Rose with me that I brought back in the summer and has just sat in the fridge (I drank the whole bottle within a couple of hours)
We did a little gift giving and one of the gifts my bestie had made for me made me cry and I got some really nice bits from her and her hubby and her 3 younger kids all saved up their pocket money and brought and chose their own gifts. I was so touched by their gifts and give them all a hug.
After we did out gift giving I went back to her parents house with the rest of her family and we played cards and they all ate bits at the table luckily I was given a mini box with some left over gammon and stuffing so I ate some of that. Her dad saved me some of the stuffing that he makes every year it is just amazing and cannot explain what it tastes like or what is in it because I don't really know.
I was up and down all evening and it was all getting a little bit much for me but we had quite a few breaks whilst playing cards luckily so I had a few fags and I was still drinking. I had taken a bottle of lemonade with me along with some peach schnapps.
When I got home I reflected on the day and I broke down again and got emotional after realizing what I had done and how I coped etc. I ended up staying awake till around 5am Boxing Day!
As I mentioned I fell asleep around 5am on Boxing day morning and I woke up around 10 but I kept snoozing till around 12ish because I was just so tired and exhausted. My mum came to me around 2:30ish in the end and we had a catch up and we talked about how her day went with my brother and his fiance and how mine went with my best friend and then I gave her my gifts and she gave me some money as she didn't know what to get me bless her but I said it was fine because it can go into my savings and go towards something I need. We left mine around 4pm and headed round to my sisters.. We gave the boys our gifts I had a couple of pictures taken with my nephews and I got told off by my youngest for trying to help him take his tickle me Elmo out of its box pmsl they are so funny and they loved their bits.. us adults which was my sister her hubby mum and I had a nice Chinese to eat which was amazing! I tried some satay chicken which was lush and had a bit of what I usually eat which is crispy chilli chicken and grilled lemon chicken along with chicken balls and chips. I felt so fat after eating that and surprised I managed to walk home I was so bloated lol
I have to admit I had a better day Boxing Day. And although I was adamant that I wanted to stay at home by myself I am kinda glad that I didn't. I am still exhausted but that's because I still need to catch up on my sleep lol hopefully I will eventually but I am not worried at the moment.
Saturday, December 7
I'll Be Glad When Things Are Better...
Unfortunately things haven't started to improve for me yet and it is starting to get more stressful and frustrating. Although it's not on purpose it is an accident but it doesn't stop me feeling the way I do and it's not fair on my family more than anything because I am just constantly letting people down left, right and center.
The issue I am having is I have always had problems with sleeping so it is hard to work out what is going wrong or why etc.
Earlier on I realized that I have started clock watching, on the door to my kitchen there was hooks up that was left by the woman who lived here before me and I was gifted a Nightmare Before Christmas clock for Christmas that I automatically put on the door so I could see it. But, since the changes with my medication I have been looking at the clock more trying to work out how much sleep I should get and what time would be a reasonable time to get up etc. That in turn has messed my anxiety up and I am stressing about sleeping and waking up at a reasonable time and its frustrating as well. So today I decided to move the clock to a different part of the room and replaced it with a canvas that my mum brought me for my birthday with a picture of me and my 3 nephews.
Hopefully now with seeing my nephews instead of my clock I should be able to stop stressing worrying and getting frustrated with myself when I cannot sleep.
I do need to sort out getting in to see my doctor before Christmas so I can start sorting this mess out. I also need to speak to the lady that I see now called Michelle, she was meant to ring me Wednesday but she didn't and I was meant to ring her back but with the issues I am having it accidentally slipped my mind and I was more pissed off with myself.
Apart of me is now wondering IF the Mirtazapine that I was originally taking was working not fully to the point it helped with my moods and I was still not sleeping properly. But at least with them as well I was eventually able to switch off but now I cannot do that.
The test is tonight to see if having the clock moved and having the canvas up helps change the way I get some sleep but I am still wondering if it's the changes in the medication that is still messing with my body. But trying to talk to someone about it is starting to drive me insane because no one seems to understand or want to listen or help.
On top of the medication issues I am still struggling with my feelings and everything and it doesn't help that it is almost Christmas. I struggle with it every year and this year I am more stressed and worried about it than I usually am. This year things are going to be different as I will not be seeing my sister on Christmas Day which is fine I totally understand what she is saying because every year since we've been going round there she's stressed because she has her mother in law for lunch and she has to cook and clean for then and when she goes she's gotta tidy up more so that my mum and I can go round for tea and she gets stressed and so this year she decided they wanted to do christmas just the 5 of them which is cool as it means she's not under too much pressure and she can enjoy it more with the kids.
We've got like almost 2 weeks left and all I have brought for is my nephews and my new goddaughter. I have so much left to do and sort out in time and it's really getting to me.
I am also still struggling with the death of my Granddad. It be 2 years in around 3 weeks time that he passed away and I still haven't accepted it. I went to see him in the funeral home and it was scary as it was something I had never done before. Then the funeral was hard and I even gave a little eulogy sharing some of the memories that he has shared with me over the years. Also, I had a tattoo done in his memory and I have a picture of him up on the shelf and I still haven't gone to his grave. I haven't done it because I don't want it to feel or be real but I think I am going to have to accept it sooner rather than later because this isn't going to get any easier and I think its time I did something about it. I am terrified of how I am going to feel and how I will react. I also don't want to come out of my bubble I don't think I am ready to accept this but I think it might be time that I did that, it may help me in the long run I don't know but apart of me feels like I cant carry on pretending everything is "ok".
I have so much I need to confront and sort out but it is finding the "right time" if there ever is a right time. Especially since there is 24 days left of 2019 and I am going to enter 2020 the same way I have every year. I think I need to actually make a new year resolution this year and try and stick to it because I think it is going to have to be that I find myself and make myself better or try too. I cannot continue like this. I am 32 years old now I am still terrified of the thought of having a baby because of what I went through. I want a family I want so much for myself and I am not going to get it like this. I hate the way my life has panned out. I honestly thought that I would have a family and a nice home and a good job etc. but instead I live in a building with 27 other flats full of people I do not know or speak too.
This is one of the worst things I do to myself and thats compare my life to everyone elses and I need to stop because it's not helping me move on or make myself better. I guess I just want what everyone else has..?
The issue I am having is I have always had problems with sleeping so it is hard to work out what is going wrong or why etc.
Earlier on I realized that I have started clock watching, on the door to my kitchen there was hooks up that was left by the woman who lived here before me and I was gifted a Nightmare Before Christmas clock for Christmas that I automatically put on the door so I could see it. But, since the changes with my medication I have been looking at the clock more trying to work out how much sleep I should get and what time would be a reasonable time to get up etc. That in turn has messed my anxiety up and I am stressing about sleeping and waking up at a reasonable time and its frustrating as well. So today I decided to move the clock to a different part of the room and replaced it with a canvas that my mum brought me for my birthday with a picture of me and my 3 nephews.
Hopefully now with seeing my nephews instead of my clock I should be able to stop stressing worrying and getting frustrated with myself when I cannot sleep.
I do need to sort out getting in to see my doctor before Christmas so I can start sorting this mess out. I also need to speak to the lady that I see now called Michelle, she was meant to ring me Wednesday but she didn't and I was meant to ring her back but with the issues I am having it accidentally slipped my mind and I was more pissed off with myself.
Apart of me is now wondering IF the Mirtazapine that I was originally taking was working not fully to the point it helped with my moods and I was still not sleeping properly. But at least with them as well I was eventually able to switch off but now I cannot do that.
The test is tonight to see if having the clock moved and having the canvas up helps change the way I get some sleep but I am still wondering if it's the changes in the medication that is still messing with my body. But trying to talk to someone about it is starting to drive me insane because no one seems to understand or want to listen or help.
On top of the medication issues I am still struggling with my feelings and everything and it doesn't help that it is almost Christmas. I struggle with it every year and this year I am more stressed and worried about it than I usually am. This year things are going to be different as I will not be seeing my sister on Christmas Day which is fine I totally understand what she is saying because every year since we've been going round there she's stressed because she has her mother in law for lunch and she has to cook and clean for then and when she goes she's gotta tidy up more so that my mum and I can go round for tea and she gets stressed and so this year she decided they wanted to do christmas just the 5 of them which is cool as it means she's not under too much pressure and she can enjoy it more with the kids.
We've got like almost 2 weeks left and all I have brought for is my nephews and my new goddaughter. I have so much left to do and sort out in time and it's really getting to me.
I am also still struggling with the death of my Granddad. It be 2 years in around 3 weeks time that he passed away and I still haven't accepted it. I went to see him in the funeral home and it was scary as it was something I had never done before. Then the funeral was hard and I even gave a little eulogy sharing some of the memories that he has shared with me over the years. Also, I had a tattoo done in his memory and I have a picture of him up on the shelf and I still haven't gone to his grave. I haven't done it because I don't want it to feel or be real but I think I am going to have to accept it sooner rather than later because this isn't going to get any easier and I think its time I did something about it. I am terrified of how I am going to feel and how I will react. I also don't want to come out of my bubble I don't think I am ready to accept this but I think it might be time that I did that, it may help me in the long run I don't know but apart of me feels like I cant carry on pretending everything is "ok".
I have so much I need to confront and sort out but it is finding the "right time" if there ever is a right time. Especially since there is 24 days left of 2019 and I am going to enter 2020 the same way I have every year. I think I need to actually make a new year resolution this year and try and stick to it because I think it is going to have to be that I find myself and make myself better or try too. I cannot continue like this. I am 32 years old now I am still terrified of the thought of having a baby because of what I went through. I want a family I want so much for myself and I am not going to get it like this. I hate the way my life has panned out. I honestly thought that I would have a family and a nice home and a good job etc. but instead I live in a building with 27 other flats full of people I do not know or speak too.
This is one of the worst things I do to myself and thats compare my life to everyone elses and I need to stop because it's not helping me move on or make myself better. I guess I just want what everyone else has..?
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