The Mental Health System & Me..

Well what can I say, Me and the Mental Health System do not get on!!

In previous blogs I posed about seeing a guy called Kevin, and didn't realise how wrong he was for me in the years that I saw him! He wasn't a great guy and the more I remember of him and what he did and say has made me question why I even saw him in the first place!!
He was the one who said that I have BPD but when I questioned it and asked for the diagnosis he would turn around and tell me that I don't need my diagnosis because if I did, I would dwell on it.. DWELL ON IT?? I just wanted to know what was wrong with me!

It took me a few years before I found out my actual diagnosis was right, it was BPD back in 2009 (if I remember rightly) when I had my 1st appointment at Bedale.

Over the years I have been on loads of different medication, Citalopram, Fluoxetine, Sertraline, Mirtazapine, Amitripyline, Quetiapine and I have now been told to take Promethazine for insomnia!

Worst part is, I had a Bedale appointment back in May because I feel my medication is not working and I was struggling with the death of my Grandfather. But the outcome wasn't what I was hoping or expecting! I have been discharged from the Dr I saw and he expects me to come off my medication in 6 months time! 6 MONTHS TIME!? I am not sure which one they want to take me off of as I am currently taking Mirtazpine (45mg) and Quetiapine (300mg) but he has said that I can continue taking Promethazine for my Insomnia.

My diagnosis is now known as EUPD (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder) which I HATE I prefer to refer myself as having BPD.
Funny thing is, in different parts of the UK where I talk to different friends on FB they have a BPD diagnosis, but me and my bestie from Brighton has the EUPD diagnosis?

On top of my BPD I have also got Anxiety issues, Depression and now Insomnia!

Kevin .. I Guess You Can Call Him My Counsiler?

today was my appointment to see Kevin at our doctors surgery.
i didnt really want to go i just felt so let down by the bedale centre that i couldnt really face going... but me mom made me go *sigh*
we were late because of traffic.. my appointment was at 3:20pm and i was not seen until 4pm to which took an hour..!
i told him what had been going on over the last few weeks, he asked me why i stopped taking my citalopram anti depressants - so i told him what i felt and that they were not working for me..
also admitted i ask for further help from the surgery - but again i got upset because i didnt actually know what i wanted the help for or why.. was very difficult for me 2 explain.
he had also told me that the bedale centre had written to the gp and not me, saying something along the line of:
"samantha is showing traits to bpd and has trauma from the past. i feel that samantha will not require no more help from bedale unless stated otherwise she can be refered back if cause for concern"
i was really annoyed.. everyone say its clear i have bpd from how i act, what i do and how i behave etc. but for some reason the 'consultant' thinks and feels different otherwise.
i have to look up about a programe called STEPPS which is a course with the bedale centre to help with my problems and i guess learn!? to be honest i have not got much clue about it, until i read up on it!
was bit emotional with it all today.
i bought some more chocolate, not alot mind as i gave some 2 my sister and my mum for helping me and taking me up the sugery.
been chilling out as much as i could this evening, and just kept myself to my self.. had chinese for tea - well kind of chinese i had was just chicken balls and chips and thats all i seem to want to eat from the Chinese we go to now lol so i am happy with chicken balls and chips! - seriously beigninning to think i am a very cheap date lol

Website..

tonight i created a new website and i called it this:

In A Lonely Place

i did this to share my problems with everyone over the internet as there are thousands of searches done a day about mental health, and i felt if i had my page out there i could draw people in and let people know that they have someone like me to talk to as i know what they are going through etc.

i hope that you will check it out and let me know what the thoughts and feelings are about this website. cheers

8th December... Doctors

well today i had decided that i should ring the doctors - partly because i forgot to yesterday... with all the upheave that was going on and happening during the course of the afternoon/day.. and then friends popping over as they owed me some pennies and then falling asleep for a couple of hours and then trying to contain my self for evening as i was bored... even tried to work out how to order a pizza but that went down the pan as kept getting confused as to how it works etc.

(never ordered a pizza in my life - as someone else has always done it for me)

i am bit nervous about the doctors this afternoon, as i am positive i am going to get told off or something or moaned at and then talked to etc. because i stopped taking my medications and stuff like that, but this time i think i need it changed as Citalopram wasnt working for me, i couldnt get on with them and nothing changed in the last 2 months hense why i stopped taking them again.

also i am going to have to find out what other support is available to me out there, because the bedale centre have let me down completly over this "assessment" i was meant to have, and i am positive and sure that there is something wrong with me, but it is putting the fingers as to where the problems are and what they are!

some say its:

Borderline Personality Disorder (PDB)

OR
BiPolar (manic depression)

...clearly there are many mental health issues that are out there, other than depression - but it is finding the one that better suits 'me' so i know where i stand, i know whats going on, i have support when i need it, there are people around other than the little family i have around me and my friends to help me. i need professional help and support, but it is finding someone willing to listen and diagnos me and my problems properly.

Hopefully today i should get some more of an idea of what to expect, and hope that i can get the doctors to push the bedale centre, or at least get me in there for a second oppinion!?

...also i need to sort out my money as christmas is now fast approaching, and i cannot afford to have another christmas where i cannot buy my family something.

clearly i should had gone to jobcentre for another crisis loan, but i already took out 2 and i am supposed to be paying them off also, but due to no funds or money coming in they have had to stop - oops!

fingers crossed for a better outcome from the doctors other than what i have receieved from the last few weeks from the bedale centre!