Am I Really As Bad As I Think I Am...

I just don't know what to do anymore. I am at a loss and just feel miserable and very hurt.
Basically, every time I try and make plans to see someone I always get messed about and lied too. I don't understand it but no one wants to know me anymore and it really hurts.

My so called best friend wants nothing to do with me pretty much she barely speaks to me now. Last time she did this was when she got a boyfriend so no doubt she is seeing someone else now and I just get dropped because I am no longer needed or wanted. She just doesn't care about me anymore and I don't understand what I have done wrong or why she is treating me badly now. She messaged me out of the blue over a week ago and she got shitty with me because I told her that she can't just ignore me and expect me to drop everything and go running to see her I can't keep doing that. It's not fair on me. She picks me up and drops me when it suits her. I mean our friendship has always been one sided, and that was me going out of my way to hang out with her because for some reason she refuses to come to my place now. I have been here for almost 2 and a half years and she has been round here twice to stay over. If she does come round we are here for like 10mins and she wants to go straight away and stuff like that. It's frustrating because she promised me when I moved in on my own she would be here for me and she would be round every chance she got and from then she just made up all these excuses and it got to the point where I stopped asking.
It pissed me off last week because I had arranged to go out with her sister (also one of my friends) to go with her to get her tattoo done and she wanted me to dye her hair. I stupidly agreed but then when I thought about it I was just like why am I doing this, I don't know why I agreed to this. As it happened her sister who I went with to get her tattoo asked me to do her hair and so I agreed to do hers because I had already messed up her hair in the first place and I said I'd fix it. But as it happened I was told I was needed by someone else so I cancelled doing their hair on Thursday and my so called friend wasn't interested when I said that I needed to finish off some stuff at the flat as I had my medical on friday.

Oh that reminds me, none of them asked me how I got on! Only people who checked up on me was my mum and my sister. That's it but then granted I didn't announce it to everyone because it's not their business it's mine and my issues that I had to get through. Which has also made me realise that I am just wasting my time on so called friends.

I just don't understand what the hell is wrong with me and why no one wants to be my friend and why people feel the need to treat me so badly. It really really hurts and I am just stuck I don't know what to do or say or anything it sucks. I know I am not the easiest person to get on with as I can be moody and I do tend to keep myself to myself a lot and not bother anyone with my problems or if I am having a bad day because in reality no one actually cares or gives a crap and my so called friend proved that when she asked me once how I was feeling and I admitted that I wasn't doing so well and she completely ignored that and started talking about herself and how she is so ill and she hopes to go to work the next day etc. In the end I did to her what she did to me and just give her basic responses and just wasn't interested because all I kept thinking was if that's how she treated me that day is this what shes been doing to me the last couple of years and I have been too blind to notice?

I honestly do what I can for others and make time for them and talk to them when they need someone to talk too etc. I do it because I know how it feels when no one is here for me and I don't want anyone to feel the same way I do all the time because it isn't fair.
Now, I don't do all this to make sure that someone is here for me in the long run because I know that in reality it doesn't happen. I just don't want people feeling the same way I feel constantly.

All that this has made me feel like shit and that my world is crashing down around me. It's also made me feel that I am as worthless that I think I am same with unwanted and unloved. I also feel very lonely and I just want to close my heart and my mind up and not let anyone else in because this really is so hard. I think having the BPD has made this worse because I don't think like a normal person does my emotions and feelings are different which doesn't help..

What A Christmas I Had...

This year Christmas was really hard for me and I don't know why..

Beginning of December my sister had messaged my mum and I and said that her and her hubby had been talking and they decided that they wanted to have Christmas Day to themselves and for us to go round on Boxing Day instead. I was happy to do it that way as I just go with the flow and don't really mind what I do as long as I see my sister her hubby and my 3 nephews then I am happy no matter what I do. So my brother and his fiance asked what we were doing this year and they had invited us both over for Christmas Day and I had been contemplating it for a few weeks and couldn't work out what I wanted to do for the best. I wanted to spend Christmas Day with my brother as it had been a long time since we spent time together but I knew that I wouldn't be able to afford the taxi fair as it was double time and it already costs £20 to go to Littlehampton in a cab as my mum had done it in the past. So that kind of put me off. But I also knew that I haven't been feeling 100% still I am getting there but still not fully there. And I didn't want to have a few issues during the day and ruin it for everyone including my mum. So I was adamant that I wanted to stay at home this year and had been saying that's what I wanted until the weekend before Christmas when I got a text from my best friend asking me what my plans were and that she the hubby and kids would be happy if I joined them. So I started contemplating that. I knew that at least IF I couldn't continue and I had had enough I had the choice of when I wanted to go home. And it would mean that my mum wouldn't have to leave early because of me and she deserved this she deserved a good Christmas and a good Christmas Dinner so I told her she should go and I would sort something else out and that I'd catch up with her before we go to my sisters.

Christmas Eve I went to Midnight Mass that I've been doing for the last 3 years and it was a lovely service, different from the years before as well which was interesting. At least they don't stick to the same carols or story line etc. I didn't get back until a little before 1am on Christmas Morning and I was then awake till gone 5am as I couldn't sleep.
I woke up Christmas Day around 10am and I didn't want to get out of bed. I just couldn't stop crying and I don't know why. I eventually managed to get in the shower and even when I got out I started crying again.. I forced myself to get dressed and I got a text from my bestie saying that dinner was almost ready and she was gonna give me time for him to come and get me and I text straight back saying "no, send him now" I had already got my presents ready and bagged up so I just put my shoes on pulled my big girl pants up with my leggings and wiped the tears away and went downstairs to find him already there waiting for me. So I composed myself, took a deep breath and walked out the front door. I checked my complexion in his mirror of the car and wiped my eyes and we chatted a little in the car. When I got there I had a cigarette waiting for me so I took the gifts inside and went back out for the fag. I chatted with her daughters boyfriend who was there with their baby (my Goddaughter) and he asked how I was feeling and I admitted I didn't know what was wrong with me and burst into tears again! He gave me a hug and was so lovely he was reassuring me and said that they all love me and that he's here for me. It's lovely to hear that people do care about me when I feel and think no one really does but that is a BPD trait unfortunately and no matter what I try and do it's not going to change so easily. When we went in they poured me a couple of glasses of bucks fizz - I know they're not very strong but it was a start. I had taken a bottle of Kopperburg Rose with me that I brought back in the summer and has just sat in the fridge (I drank the whole bottle within a couple of hours)
We did a little gift giving and one of the gifts my bestie had made for me made me cry and I got some really nice bits from her and her hubby and her 3 younger kids all saved up their pocket money and brought and chose their own gifts. I was so touched by their gifts and give them all a hug.
After we did out gift giving I went back to her parents house with the rest of her family and we played cards and they all ate bits at the table luckily I was given a mini box with some left over gammon and stuffing so I ate some of that. Her dad saved me some of the stuffing that he makes every year it is just amazing and cannot explain what it tastes like or what is in it because I don't really know.
I was up and down all evening and it was all getting a little bit much for me but we had quite a few breaks whilst playing cards luckily so I had a few fags and I was still drinking. I had taken a bottle of lemonade with me along with some peach schnapps.
When I got home I reflected on the day and I broke down again and got emotional after realizing what I had done and how I coped etc. I ended up staying awake till around 5am Boxing Day!

As I mentioned I fell asleep around 5am on Boxing day morning and I woke up around 10 but I kept snoozing till around 12ish because I was just so tired and exhausted. My mum came to me around 2:30ish in the end and we had a catch up and we talked about how her day went with my brother and his fiance and how mine went with my best friend and then I gave her my gifts and she gave me some money as she didn't know what to get me bless her but I said it was fine because it can go into my savings and go towards something I need. We left mine around 4pm and headed round to my sisters.. We gave the boys our gifts I had a couple of pictures taken with my nephews and I got told off by my youngest for trying to help him take his tickle me Elmo out of its box pmsl they are so funny and they loved their bits.. us adults which was my sister her hubby mum and I had a nice Chinese to eat which was amazing! I tried some satay chicken which was lush and had a bit of what I usually eat which is crispy chilli chicken and grilled lemon chicken along with chicken balls and chips. I felt so fat after eating that and surprised I managed to walk home I was so bloated lol

I have to admit I had a better day Boxing Day. And although I was adamant that I wanted to stay at home by myself I am kinda glad that I didn't. I am still exhausted but that's because I still need to catch up on my sleep lol hopefully I will eventually but I am not worried at the moment.

It's Been A While Again.. I Must Keep This Updated Often...

I have been neglecting my blog again by accident. I was planning on writing to this every chance I got but I got distracted with sorting out other blogs and other pages that this one hasn't been touched in almost a year and this is not good.

A few things have changed since I wrote my last entry, I no longer see Suzanne who I wrote about in the past, those sessions ended earlier this year. I was also seeing a lady called Anna whilst I was having my sessions with Suzanne but again I no longer see her, that has been more recent though, Anna left as she changed jobs which was a massive shock to me especially with my sessions ending with Suzanne it was quite a lot to take in. But I have now been partnered up with a lady called Michelle now and I have had 2 or 3 appointments with her. I am quite lucky really because she understands the EUPD/BPD as she has it herself so it is a huge relief being paired with someone who understands and knows what I am going through. Although a part of me thinks that maybe I should've been partnered up with her before, but it's fine.

Today I have also been sorting out my laptop as I brought it off someone on Facebook I was meant to be getting a brand new one, but the ones I find that are suitable keep going out of stock so this was the quickest and best way to do it. My laptop I've had for the last 6 years has now died which is frustrating but at least I was able to plug my hard drive into my old laptop which belongs to Tim so luckily I could use that for a week. I was so worried I'd never get the info off it but I did get majority off it thankfully..

I had another medication review a few months back now as I am still struggling with the Quetiapine and Mirtazapine so I wanted to find out if anything can be done. But my doctor had to contact Bedale which is our local mental health center to see whether they can see me or adjust my medication. I was also asked to contact Suzanne about it and see if she could help me get an appointment but all she said back to me was to talk to Anna and then Anna rang me and felt like she wasn't impressed to hear that I wanted to sort my medication out. So I ended up leaving it until I contacted my doctor again in August to talk about my medication and we had a chat over the phone and Bedale still want me to come off my medication which isn't helpful. Granted I feel they're not working and that I still feel the same so she mentioned a new medication to try so I said I'd happily come off the Mirtazapine to try something different. For the last 3 weeks I have been taking a lower dose, started off doing 1 week on 30mg and then the last 2 I've taken the 15mg. I took my last Mirtazapine Thursday night and picked up my new medication called Venlafaxine. I took my usual Quetiapine Friday night and decided that I was going to start my Venlafaxine today because I didn't want to risk being out somewhere and getting ill from the new meds as I am not sure how they're going to affect me
Granted, I took the new tablet after 12pm when I had my lunch and so far I feel fine and that was almost 3 hours ago.
I have a follow up appointment booked in 3 weeks time to see how I am getting on with these tablets and then talk about possibly coming off the Quetiapine as well. But I am not going to worry about that for a while now.

The Mental Health System & Me..

Well what can I say, Me and the Mental Health System do not get on!!

In previous blogs I posed about seeing a guy called Kevin, and didn't realise how wrong he was for me in the years that I saw him! He wasn't a great guy and the more I remember of him and what he did and say has made me question why I even saw him in the first place!!
He was the one who said that I have BPD but when I questioned it and asked for the diagnosis he would turn around and tell me that I don't need my diagnosis because if I did, I would dwell on it.. DWELL ON IT?? I just wanted to know what was wrong with me!

It took me a few years before I found out my actual diagnosis was right, it was BPD back in 2009 (if I remember rightly) when I had my 1st appointment at Bedale.

Over the years I have been on loads of different medication, Citalopram, Fluoxetine, Sertraline, Mirtazapine, Amitripyline, Quetiapine and I have now been told to take Promethazine for insomnia!

Worst part is, I had a Bedale appointment back in May because I feel my medication is not working and I was struggling with the death of my Grandfather. But the outcome wasn't what I was hoping or expecting! I have been discharged from the Dr I saw and he expects me to come off my medication in 6 months time! 6 MONTHS TIME!? I am not sure which one they want to take me off of as I am currently taking Mirtazpine (45mg) and Quetiapine (300mg) but he has said that I can continue taking Promethazine for my Insomnia.

My diagnosis is now known as EUPD (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder) which I HATE I prefer to refer myself as having BPD.
Funny thing is, in different parts of the UK where I talk to different friends on FB they have a BPD diagnosis, but me and my bestie from Brighton has the EUPD diagnosis?

On top of my BPD I have also got Anxiety issues, Depression and now Insomnia!

Oops... I Did It Again...

I cannot believe that I have forgot about my blog, it wasn't intentional but it was because from where I did not have any proper internet for so long. I was able to piggyback of my neighbours wifi but they upgraded their internet and meant that it couldn't be accessed which was a shame.

Not much, but a lot has changed in the last 4 years since I last wrote to my blog, my mental health is still the same except my diagnosis is the same. Although it has changed, well the name anyway. It is now known as EUPD - Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. I do not like the new name change, NO ONE wants to refer themselves as 'Unstable'!

In 2013 I posted that my sister made me an Auntie for the first time, but since then she has blessed me with 2 other Nephews called George and Harry. I love being an Auntie and it's the best thing in the world and I am so glad I have 3 lil men to love and play with and look after. George is 3 and Harry is now 8 months old.

My medication has changed over the last few years. I last noted that in 2009 i was currently on Sertraline, which I am no longer taking. But I am now taking Quetiapine and Mirtazapine. I have been on Quetiapine for at least 3 maybe 4 years and Mirtazapine a year or more longer. Before they decided to put me on to Quetiapine I was taking Amitripiline!

I have been flicking through my blog this evening as I was trying to work out whether I made a note of my medication which I unfortunately had not, but I realised what I had written and when. I never usually re-read anything I have written but I am glad to see that my posts are reaching many people, and I do hope that with my original plan was to help people has worked. I am going to be sharing some information about EUPD and BPD over time now that I have internet.

I also moved out and got my own place which is still all new to me and I am still trying to get used to it, I love having my own space, I just wish that people would make a little more effort to come and see me. My Mum and Sister and Brother are the only people who really come round to see me, shame really, but you can't force people to come round.

My plan is now that I have proper internet that I am going to start keeping my blog up to date, it's a shame I didn't keep it for the last 4 years but not having internet was the main issue.

The Mental Health System SUCKS...

On the 16th December, I had a call from this lady I see from MIND called Jo, stating that she had finally got hold of my CPN at Bedale and she would explain to me when I saw her the following Monday what was said and has been done.

Jo had told me that my CPN is getting an appointment to me in the post, which I thought was brilliant as I knew I would've got it by Christmas, as I knew that the last 2nd class posting date was 18th and 1st class was the 19th.

Well.. Today is the 30th December and nothing has come in the post yet, I did receive some new iPhone charging leads that I ordered on Sunday (28th) how can something that I ordered a week later come quicker than my appointment!? Something doesn't add up, and I really do have a feeling that my CPN is doing all that she can to get rid of me.

In August I was set up to see the lady I see from MIND and I have told her over and over that I feel that my CPN just wasn't interested in helping me, and all she wanted to do was to palm me off on to someone else. Jo isn't trained to be a CPN or Pychologist/psychaitrist etc. she is a bit like a social worker, maybe? I am not 100% sure, all I know is that Jo works for MIND.

When I last spoke to my GP regarding my medication, that I spoke to my CPN, Val about my medication because the medication I am currently on doesn't work, and I have tried 5 different sets of anti depressants over the last 7/8 years or so and I think she felt that me seeing if I could talk to my CPN to perhaps talk to the psychatrist who gave me my Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis, to find out what medication would be best suited for me because of the fact that all the different ones I had been taking do not work.

Firstly she said she will pass my information over to the psychatrist, I then finally got another appointment with my CPN after weeks of calling and leaving messages getting no response, then having to get my doctors to ring my CPN that I had finally got to see her, when I asked about my medication, she then informed me that the psychatrist was then off sick but she could pass my information to another qualified person to see what they can do, and I never heard anymore from my CPN from that point, and then she never gave me a follow up appointment.

I have been having a few melt downs over the last few months, one got really bad whilst I was travelling to my aunt and uncles on the bus as I didn't know if I was still getting picked up or not, and instead of asking, I decided to take myself there. I had a panic attack after panic attacks it was a horrible experience for me.. First the bus is too busy to sit downstairs, I decided to go upstairs (and almost falling down them because having short legs) as soon as I tried getting off the bus people were coming down the stairs the same time I was, then there was loads of people crowding around the bus so I struggled to get through the crowd to get off and move =( then 2 buses came to go to my aunts, decided to get the 2nd because there was too many people trying to get on the 1st.. But then all of a sudden they started following me, and started to crowd around me again, lost my balance and fell over ='( only person who was interested in helping and making sure I was ok was the ticket inspector.. As soon as I got on I forgot where I was going, then when paid I went to walk away and there was a woman crowding round me again trying to scan her pass, she was told to get straight on it was just one thing after another!! I don't know how I did it, but I managed to keep my cool, but it wasn't till I got off the bus and started walking up to my aunts I burst into tears.. Had to hold back for a few mins so that I could calm down and didn't want anyone to see me crying as didn't want the attention..

Been struggling to continue taking my medication.. I am getting to the point where I can't be bothered anymore!!

Let's hope if the post does bring me a letter tomorrow (31st December) with an appointment, I could do with it.. If I don't get anywhere then I am going to have to find a way of making a complaint. Fed up with having been let down by the mental health system! 

I have a question...

Am I Mental For Wanting To Vent My Anger And Feelings And Thoughts On To Paper, Well Notebooks???

As you may know, I have Borderline Personality Disorder or at least some kind of Personality Disorder, Depression, Anxiety problems and slight Agoraphobia..

And I myself struggle talking and expressing my feelings "normally" but i feel that me writing helps myself without others knowing exactly what has been written..

I am in a bad place right now, I am going through a masses amount of problems and stress, and i cant cope with everything right now, and i felt at the time it was easier for me to write out on paper exactly how i am feeling.

But now, i am being told im mental and not normal for wanting to keep notebooks of stuff i write, i never re read anything i just write it and close the book and go back and write some more then close it etc. i have never re readen anything i wrote.

Apart from once, when i went through some old notepad files on the pc and i read some poems i had written years ago and it broke my heart, i guess i never really knew or understood exactly how i was feeling myself, and seeing that the feels have hardly changed was just awful.

I should really sort out my problems, but i have no patience for meds to work again, and really considering putting myself into a mental hospital or something just to keep me safe,

But if i did this, who is to say i can take the things that really mean to me like my cat for starters i couldnt leave him he needs me around, and loves my company!

no one texts me much anymore so hardly anyone is going to miss my texts/calls... i just really dont know what else i can do now, and after all the words that have been said, i just dont think its fair..

I was reminded of how this girl, has a life, has her baby etc. etc. etc. it just killed me.

I know it is nothing to do with you whom read this but i needed to get that off my chest! so i am sorry, but i am allowed to have feelings, arent i??

My Life..

I've been thinking about a great deal of things over the last 9 months or so, not just because of the ectopic i had, but because of other things, well other people instead..
I have looked at what i have been through from what i can remember from when i was kid, and to be honest there isn't much that i do remember, or recall.. but what people have said, i can see as if it were on video tape.. other stuff just seems to haunt me..
The last 3 years or so have been a bit mixed up...
2007 - i got with a bloke called Gary - he was bit dippy, and kinda ended up being bit like a maid doing his washing most of the time - which admittedly wasn't much as he wore same pants for days :| cripes!!!
In July time, i started seeing some lad whom i talk to a lot called James, he was lovely bless him! and strangely enough are still friends to this date! :D
Eventually i got back with Oli, he was my first REAL boyfriend, we broke up in 2006 as i was moving back to Bognor and wanted a fresh start blah blah blah...!! lol but eventually i realized i didnt feel the same for him as he did for me, or the feelings that i did have wasn't strong enough, so i let him go! apart of me wishes i hadn't another part thinks its for the best!
Since then, everything seemed to had gone down hill! :(
September 2007 i got a job in Card Factory, and i loved it! it was fun and interesting and new and i ended up getting to be a Supervisor and left in charge on sunday - again something else i loved! Until Christmas came! i was sooo ill over christmas it was horrible! :( - and this is where everything started boiling up again! the store was packed with people buying christmas cards and small gifts etc. and it didnt help when i ended up getting the flu with a bad cough and still having to work! - i did let down alot of people there which i couldn't or didnt mean to do just happened but i couldnt cope and didnt have the heart to admit it or tell anyone! - was awful.. then came along the "suicidal attempt" in march 2008 - not been as bad since (touch wood) but have done it since..
I ended up giving up my job at card factory because of my behaviour, being picked on by staff and an incident with someone causing me problems didnt help! i didnt know what else to do, so i had to give up and let the other people win, i am not really a fighter.. i am more of a giver up person!
Since these incidents i have not worked in 2 years! 2 years!!! its awful.. it really is! but i just cant cope with myself, let alone trying to keep a job - again! i am not the person whom i was and this Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression and Anxiety problems are holding me back - which i cannot stop.. because i know there is something wrong with me and being out and about with these problems and by myself scare me! so i just keep myself to myself and normally keep my problems to my self!.. but i need to " talk " let go of some " release " and feel bit better - although knowing me i wish i hadn't done or said anything, which would then lead me into deleting this post, if need be!
but then again, i dont really know why i post my thoughts and feelings and upset on this blog, when there are people out there whom follow me around the internet, watching me and my every moves - and i dont know why! there is nothing fascinating about me, so i dont know why everyone feels the need to stalk me online! lol idiots...!!!

anyway i think i done enough talking (typing) for one day/night (started last night) and leave it as it is, for now!

My Hearts Just Not In It...

Lately i have just given up with writing blogs because

- no one reads them
- it causes problems (somehow)
- since someone reads my blog like a book all the time, i find it hard to express myself...


I had tried to keep a diary, that lasted all of a month or two... but that wasnt good enough, for some reason i just felt that writing about it online would be good for me, and other people too (i meant for people who are like me not ones who like to stalk people) but it never happened..
I had a website up, and i got 1 person contact me from that, because she was the same as me, with the Borderline Personality Disorders and Depression & Anxiety etc.

Still.. i just wish that i could write what i think and what i feel without someone reading it and using it against me and using it to spy on me - because that is what she is doing basically... got nothing better to do etc.
argh she makes me angry just thinking about what she does! idiot

Anyway, this week is the anniversary of my dog, Tammy...

This is Tammy...
We got her when i was just 2 and my sister was not 1 yet (i think)
...but we had to give her to our grandparents because we were too scared of her - at first!
She lived with my nan & grandad for the rest of her life, but we still loved her even though she wasnt ours (in the end)
She was kind and loving, when i used to go to my grandparents she would follow me around, and sit with me all the time..
at night she would sleep on the floor in my bedroom it was almost like she was watching over me making sure i wasnt going to get hurt etc. but i loved it, she did the same when my grandparents moved from their place in Felpham to a mobile home in Aldingbourne.. again she would sleep in the bedroom with me, except she was able to get on the bed at their new place because the bed was lower down.
i used to be able to tuck her up in bed under the duvet with me, i loved it as much as she did, i think?
one thing that always made me chuckle with her was she would never ever go outside when it was raining, regardless if she needed a wee, or not! she didnt like getting her 'fanny' wet! lol
- when i used to go over for Sunday Roast, my aunt and uncle would be there with the kids too.. my cousin Jodie, is autistic and doesnt speak etc. she could tread on Tammy's paw or tail and she wouldnt yelp to let you know she was there - but she did however let YOU know if you trod on her!!
....its like she knew, like the 6th sense!?
I saw her few days before she was put down, i had gone over as it was nans birthday on the 4th May - and was told then the weekend before that she had 'lumps' on her face that was getting checked out after weekend... but when they were checked it came back as  - cancer - and there was nothing anyone could do for her so they had to put her to sleep... it was awful! the thought of loosing her was horrendous - although personally i felt that something had happened to her years before when the family split up after a huge row..
i wish i had got to say goodbye - properly i mean she was there for me in some ways... but instead all i did was cry, i cried from the moment i was told she had gone, and few days after that!
I was afraid to go to my nan and grandads because she wouldnt be there... but eventually i plucked up the courage to go, and i talked to my grandad and he felt that he saw her in the hallway sitting by the radiator where she always used to sit ... and i was astonished and felt 'calm' knowing she was around..
another time after that i was sitting in the lounge setting up the tv to watch a video and i heard what sounded like footsteps in the kitchen on the lino - but it wasnt feet from a human, it was seriously the sound of paw pads on the floor ... i felt scared for a moment, as i couldnt see anything and then i realised that it was her - and that she was there...
Another time, after the incident with my grandad, and the one with the kitchen, my nan had passed me a kids toy, a jack in the box type toy that i used to play with when i was small, it was amazing to see something i had loved playing with so dearly... and then later that evening when i put it away in my cupboard, i had noticed a line of black crimpled hair... i didnt understand where it had come from as it was thicker than human hair, and from my understanding everything was cleaned and hoovered and her things removed when Tammy had passed, but it was just sitting there, on my pillow... i told my nan, but she swore blind the whole place had been cleaned out.... so whether she was there that night and left me something, a remainder? i just dont know.. but its still comforting.. and it is still kind of difficult even to this day,
I still go looking for her and expecting her to run and jump at me when i open their kitchen/front door...!!

I know it sounds like a silly thing to hear/believe - but i have my belief's and i feel that they should be shared and expressed, no matter what.

It's Such A Perfect Day...

And i am glad i am feeling so much better than i did yesterday!!!

Yesterday i had a god awful headache and i was sick aswel.. NO fun!

I have not got much to update, except i am feeling bit down in the dumps and bit annoyed about 'Pathways' which is this course thing i HAVE to do on ESA - I emailed the woman i saw to let her know what was going on with Ectopic Pregnancy when i first had the injections on the 26th Feb, and i never had a response, i believe the only letter i had was telling me i missed it - and i am sure i never had another appointment gave to me? or even if i did i wouldnt had got it on time, or i was in hospital.. it wasnt my fault. i told her at the time i prefered to be contacted via email or text - there was nothing stopping her telling me there was a letter on the way, or even better send me a copy of the bloody letter via email!

and yet I am now in trouble (i think) for it but i have no idea why.. i had my money stopped for about 2 months between feb & 2 weeks ago and i assumed that i was on the appeal and that i wasnt being seen etc. or i wasnt involved in pathways no more as i never heard from the woman again despite emailing her.. and then out of the blue i find out she has been ringing me and i bloody missed 'em because they've rung me up on with held (which i dont answer thanks to a complete idiot you know who you are) or my phone was off because again of the idiot!

I just dont understand why all this crap happens to me, nothing is ever easy, nothing is ever simple anymore! and i had gone onto ESA for extra support into getting me back into work safely after the problems i have had over the years with people & my mental health.. and yet after the phone call with her yesterday i felt kinda upset, and disapointed when i tried to explain what had happened i had the attitude:

"well its not me its effecting"

..I mean talk about bloody rude! she knew i have my phone on silent because its easier for me, and she knew i rather be texted than phoned or emailed - so why did she choose to ignore me and ring my mobile instead, i will never know!

Still.. least i got my sick note sent in, i just dont have a clue whatsoever on what to do about her and the course anymore!

I am still waiting to find out if i am gonna be able to get on to this STEPPS programme with the Bedale Centre which is a course enabled for people in need of better coping mechanisms etc.

But then again i have not actually seen him since poss beginning Feb...?

- again that was due to the Ectopic Pregnancy and being in and out of hospital for Blood Tests, Scans, Examinations etc.

Still.. only time will tell i guess..

The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells

The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide

Get Me Out of Here: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder

Sometimes I Act Crazy: Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified: An Essential Guide for Understanding and Living with BPD

Mental Health and Mental Illness

Prentice Hall Reviews & Rationales: Mental Health Nursing (2nd Edition)

Mental Health: Dimensions of Self-Esteem and Emotional Well-Being

PDR Drug Guide for Mental Health Professionals, 3rd Edition

Unsupported losses: Ectopic and molar pregnancy and blighted ovum

Ectopic Pregnancy Medical Guide

21st Century Ultimate Medical Guide to Problem Pregnancies - Miscarriage, Stillbirth, Ectopic Pregnancies - Authoritative Clinical Information for Physicians and Patients (Two CD-ROM Set)

Dystocia; Ectopic Pregnancy (Clinical Obstetrics and Gynecology, Vol. 30, No. 1, March 1987)

Today i loose my mind..

I just had my first break down in a long while..

I feel so angry, tense and i just wanna rip my skin off my body.. i just feel so alone today and fed up and i just dont know what to do to make anything better anymore
I have just got really angry and scared myself and spent the best part of the last hour or so crying, i hate having this bpd its no fun anymore.. i hate it but i am scared to sort it out because i hate change!

I feel as though everyone forgets about me, i am invisible to the world and no one likes me anymore!

I cant help who i am...

my.. my.. my..

What A Day... What A Day...

Had my last blood test today (dunno if good thing or bad...?) plus i am still bleeding on and off and light, sort of like 'spotting'
Spent the day with my other half and his son, which was nice.. even if it did hurt at times because it often hurts knowing that i had to loose mine, and i just dont have a connection like he does with his kids and it hurts! :( silly really.. but i just really wish i had my own child that would actually be excited to see me everyday and want to play with me and everything!
i dunno i guess i being silly... but i just in some ways in the 2 weeks i knew i was pregnant i kinda had this whole idea of what a family would be like and finding out it was ectopic just killed something inside! people say i can try again etc. but who is to say that this time the baby will grow in my womb and not in my tubes or ovaries or wherever it was this time around etc.
other than that it was an OK day till some berk starts causing problems with her "thats not what he said" or "he was seeing me at the weekend" etc. etc. etc. i am board of hearing it and board of you knowing that you can control my mind by not even seeing me ...!!
I am now chilling out, has just had spaghetti and meatballs made for me for my late late dinner... whilst watching a film called Stick It, that my other half bought me in BlockBusters! :)

never thought i would see the day..

..... that i would have to make an awful decision!!!

On the 12th feburay i found i was pregnant.. but i had a bleed.. so i panicked and was told on the phone by doctor to get in touch with A&E and get down there asap.. so as i couldnt get up there i had to call for an ambulence as i wasnt in the right frame of mind in the end.. i was then told that despite the bleed and still having some pregnancy symptoms it was a good sign... so off home i go knowing i AM pregnant...

come the 15th i had my scan booked, excited and nervous to be having it and heartbroken to learn there is nothing in my uterous.. put it down to a possible miscarriage and sent me off for blood tests, wasnt high enough hormones so more blood tests i have, still not high enough so have another one, still not high enough, have my scan 23rd feb, still nothing on the screen possible ectopic with the baby growing in my ovary.. more blood tests.. chance of having a normal pregnancy due to the hormones rocketing, more blood tests hormones rising slowly... scan again 26th feb.. still nothing on scan, so now its confirmed ectopic... 

i was then told that i had two choices .. both of which werent good but i had to choose one....

Injection to kill/stop the cells growing or an operations to remove the cells and be in hospital for 2 days with chances and risks of complications...

so i chose the Injection, i had to terminate the pregnancy, i had no choice.. it was that or death and either way the baby wouldnt grow/survive and i would then be putting myself at risk so i had to do the "right" thing.....

Personally.... the "Termination" hasnt sunk in yet, well not properly.. i keep getting upset now and again in little spurts.. but thats how i am in some respects normally with my BPD.. but yesterday was really hard, and personally i dont know where and how i got the courage to get through all that i have these last 2 weeks.. 

apart of it feels like i have done all this for nothing, and apart of me is a tiny bit glad i got the chance to be pregnant... (due to being sure i was infertile)

So, now, i am in some ways i have my own special little angel ...

despite what others may think or feel about that.. but i was 8weeks and it was a very tiny baby that was in my belly :(

Now, this leaves me with:

more blood tests Monday & Thursday to make sure the hormone levels are decreasing... if not i have another injection next Friday :(

and this now leaves me.. with no pregnancy and no baby :(

Good News...?

So i had my appointment with Kevin - the bloke i see at our local surgery for my mental health problems, and the site i had found for the STEPPS programme i had mentioned before a few months ago, i had read and i asked if i could go for it - yay go me! - website here
Oh, and it looks like that i can hopefully get a proper diagnosis so that it might also actually give me some idea on few things and i can actually say "I do have BPD - i finally got a proper diagnosis" etc. and also this way it might actually help make me realise i do have it regardless and make me come to terms to it too.
Fingers crossed me thinks.

Dear Ohh Dear Ohh Dear...

Things are still on the downer for me at the moment,
after realising alot of stuff (posted in blogs before) i had put myself in an awkward place and position! and again i find myself trying to undo it sometimes..
I am not self harming, good thing? (who knows) - however i have become and gained some what violent thoughts and feelings about myself more than others! i mean, yeah, i wanna hit someone/something but its struggling to keep it under covers and keeping it together - thats the hard and worst thing! *sigh*

...really i need to get back to the doctors and tell them, but they will give me more tablets and again i will take them for a couple of weeks and stop again as for some reason i get frustrated with them in knowing that it will take some time to work but i dont want to wait forever! and i think thats why i keep giving up again! *sniff*

I have some interview thing with the Job Centre for my Benefits on Thursday, i think i might just get up bit earlier and ring the doctors and make appointments to see someone, i have Kevin on the 5th Feb now, as i cancelled on the 12th Jan due to having a coldy thing!!
I really need to get my act together, need to sort myself out. but it is very hard when i have no one to reach out to for help (other than my mum, but she is a working lady at the mo)

Fingers crossed for me to actually sort myself out again this time eh!?

Just A Few Days Left..

Well there aint long left now till Christmas Day, and to be honest i am sooo glad, although i wish it would hurry up and get here, be over and done with and then can move onto the new year.. and hope that it is a new year and a new start.
the last couple of days have been like hell.. monday mum comes back from her weekend away wishing she never came home..
and tonight all hell broke loose, as soon as i stepped out shower all i could hear was shouting and arguing and i was just frozen by the front door i couldnt do anything, it was horrible eventually i went into the front room as was cold and it just continued i screamed for everyone stop shouting and arguing but it didnt do much i just got told of for ' being silly ' never mind the atmosphere and arguements and problems are effecting me.. i am starting to feel like i wish i never come home, although now i have to look into getting my own place to get away from everything and everyone, but i am really scared i never lived on my own and i not sure if i really ready - but at the end of the day i have no choice what so ever, i have to do it i got nothing left and noone left and its driving me insane to the point where i have no where to turn.. no one talk to nothing.
things are never going to be ok and no matter how much i want and try i am never going to get the perfect life and the perfect love i dream about.. all i do at night is cry and cry and cry i got so much running around in my head that i cant keep up with anything..

Pure Madness...

my my my...!
what a couple of days.. talk about crazy and completly weird.
I still aint coping with my emotions, temper, frustrations, anger etc. its complete madness, i just wish i knew where to start and where i was going what to do etc. but unfortunatly no one sees just what i do go through and it aint fair anymore! i wish someone could just realise and see whats going on and open their eyes and realise that i am not getting better and i do neeed help! - in some respects i cannot moan too much, i mean i am seeing Kevin when i can and he aint too busy and well when i am up for going etc. and now i am waiting on seeing a lady at the surgery who will help with my depression and anxiety side of my problems, whereas i have mentioned a few times before that kevin is my BPD (borderline personality disorder) side of the mental health things!
i cant seem to settle on something at the moment either, i am either trying to keep the relationship from falling apart or i am trying to sabbotage it by causing problems, but i just dont know how to handle these situations and what i need to do in times of crisis's and stuff like that, because for the last few years i have spent every moment of it bottling everything up and then i sit in my room on my own like idiot for hours on end until i feel i can show my face again, i did have counciling once, i saw a lady at bognor hospital when i was 15/16 but that didnt really do much, but where i am afraid to open up half the time, i think i only went 6 times out of the year or something, i just couldnt bare it.. plus i didnt really wanna go to the hospital alone as hospitals are big and scary - people die there etc. - silly i know but it is also true.
i have spent pretty much the last few days believing in things and wanting answers that i aint sure are there, i aint sure if i am just paranoid or there really is something going on and i cant put my finger on what, i just feel like everyone around me is making excuses, lying and covering things up.. but i dont know what or why.
also for the last few weeks, months, i have felt really unwanted, by numberous of people - not that they will agree with me, they think that i being silly etc. but i am sure and positive i am not. i mean if i was wanted why arent people bothering with me anymore, i used to get loads of texts a day - and now the only text i get is from 1 person and thats pretty much it, it is really sad and i feel like failure pretty much all the time, but it is hard when i have spent most of my life trying to make friends, trying to fit in and nothing seems to work and no one seems to be interested even though i have warned people about my problems, but i guess people still think i am a crazy nutty person with no life because i sit in doors all day - but it aint like i want to, really i dont, i just cant face going out alone with no where to go no one to see and what with having aboslutley no money makes it that bit harder.. because even if i did want to go out i cant because i cant do what i really wanted to do! and i cant admit that bcoz its very stupid and crazy and i dont really want people to think worse of me than they do already and it aint fair really.. i am fed up with being judged etc. for having a problem, yeah i have mental health issues.. doesnt mean that i cant have friend etc. since i admitted i had it, i only had one lady talk to me about it, she is called Stephanie, she emailed me from my In A Lonely Place website, and to have someone similar to me, and also in Bognor was a big thing for me, very over whelming i never thought that i would find someone.. and i am happy no exatactic that i have got someone to talk to now, and its just a big scarey world with no idea what i am going to be like from one day to the next, its like someone is living in my head with a switch that gets flicked on and off in my head that makes me be mean, rude, angry, weird, hyper, sad, depressed etc. i just wish there was something i could do or at least someone could do to help me! :(

..this was a random picture i just created using a random status on the application on facebook called Status Shuffle..

oh what a morning..

ok its almost 9am.. and for some reason i am awake, and more miserable and upset than i was yesterday!
i feel today as though i shouldnt had got up, and stayed in bed asleep.. then i wont cause anyone any problems then will i!
..i was meant to have my medical today for my ESA Benefit, but i cancelled as wasnt feeling well and well, because i feel the way i do NOW well way i have been past couple of days, - really depressed.
Yeah, i am awake now, i could had gone blah blah blah - but thing is, i couldnt really find anyone to take me to Portsmouth... silly really, i used to go to Yorkshire, Preston, Didcot, etc. by my self.. and now, a few years later i wont even walk out the front door unless someone is with me! - what the hell is that all about!?
i just dont understand as to how and why i became this, i really really dont! it is mega crazy yet noone seems to understand that, and most people think i should just 'snap out of it' and well maybe the people who feel that should spend the day with me, no wait actually live with me, but funny how they are the people who do not come and see me on a regular occasion, no, they are people now who dont bother at all.
shame really, well more of a shame that all the people who said they would help.. aren't talking me anymore, not texting, or arranging to see me anymore! - yeah so i wouldnt had gone out, but still.. it would be nice to feel wanted bit more then maybe i might actually wanna show my face in society - but until that day comes when i am confident enough to be on my own - i just have to stay alone, isolated with no one to talk to, no one who cares, that sorta thing!
...man i wish i knew how to cope with this BPD thing...!!!

oh what a night..

after surviving on just 3 hours sleep, i am starting to cave..
i am so miserable, so down, stressed, frustrated, annoyed, alone, hurt, fed up everything.. i dont even really have an idea or a clue as to why i feel like this! - it really really sucks..
i felt ok-ish watching A Muppets Christmas Carol - i love the film, its just a shame that in films they make everything and everyone happy.. when it aint always the case in real life.. i guess i kind of wish that my life was a fairytale.. least i would always have a happy ending..right!?
..i dont know what is going to happen with Christmas this year, i mean i am 22, getting old, and christmas just aint what it used to be anymore, i see people all around me with their kids, or having kids, or just generally doing 'alright' for themselves, and there is me, the same idiotic person i always have been and nothing and no one will change that i bet.
a part of me really feels like i dont want this borderline personality disorder, i just cant always handle my emotions or handle the outcome or even know how to deal with them, for the simple reason i aint exactly got my head around everything, it aint sunk in nothing..
i found my friends baby scans and little wrist band things they wear.. and it broke my heart - not that i am jealous - well maybe a little .. but because i know i am never going to have the experience of having a child, i am pretty sure that i cannot have them, so i have not bothered in persuing it because it would only get me down more than i am already, and well people say that when they have a child that it changes them for better and often not, mind you i would be crap looking after someone else, i cant even look after myself half the time! :(
apart of me really wishes i could change all this, and apart of me wants everything to be better, but i am also scared because i will have to do it all on my own, and i aint really sure if i am strong enough to cope anymore. i cant even remember to bring in the milk on a monday/wedensday/friday from outside, i am scared to go out on my own.. and i dont even know why.. and there are numberous things going round and round in and out in and out i just cant deal with all the confusion, emotion and everything else running through my mind..
i picked up a card from the doctors surgery last week, for the Samaratains.. maybe i should get in touch with them and find someone to talk to!? i just feel today that i cannot cope.. and i really strongly feel i am unwanted too..
i just dont understand why tonight all i wanna do is hide away, curl up in a ball n die, and i guess i feel as though i am fading into the background!
..i guess i wish i had friends, someone to talk to, someone to keep me sane, someone to help me.. i even tried posting out a link to a group page i made up on facebook about my problems and to seek help in other people and for them to gain help from me etc. but most of the friends on my facebook list just declined the page without taking a look or having a second thought, even the people i knew and used to hang out with months ago do not bother with me anymore, and why...? i aint got a clue, one girl said she come over for the afternoon/evening and spend time with me catch up etc. and she said she was going to the shop, within half an hour she claimed she was ill and had to go back to bed.. and i have not spoke to her since.. and this was around a couple of months ago now!
...why am i such a threat or why cant people stand to be around me anymore?! really feel out of place and lonely no matter where i am or who i am with! :(

13th december - 5 months till i 23!!

oh dear, i realized that today is exactly 5 months now till my 23rd birthday.. how bad does that suck!?
i mean, i look at my self now and what i used to be like and i just feel like a failure each and every year!! nothing ever changes for me, i am still the same idiot who jacked her job in because of the problems i was having in my personal life and the ones at work i was picked on by a couple of people and i still don't know why till this day why they did what they did .. so thanks to them i lost my confidence and i ended up ruining all the chances i had at card factory, but i would had ended up being sacked if i hadn't had left, i know i would had been because i kept getting into trouble and i kept having head office 'keeping an eye on me' etc.
i have now been out of a job for over a year now, and when i think about getting back into the 'retail' role or working again i panic, because i messed up whilst i was at card factory, how many more times am i gonna fuck up my working life..!?
i am scared that i am going to sacked or more problems will arise whilst i work and it will then again knock my confidence out again and i have a very low self esteem and very low self worth, i just really am hoping i could be like everyone else.. everyone i know is:
Married, has kids, has a decent relationship with no problems, pregnant, has a life - etc.
i just wish i could fit in i guess, i mean i feel so alone and scared all the time, i just wish that there was something or someone that could make me and everything feel million times better, and may actually want to make my life worth living and stuff.. but it just sucks because i am to scared to do something about it.
which is why i am on ESA - employment support allowance - they are meant to help people like me get back into work and hopefully they will help me more than what being on JSA - job seekers allowance - was, as they wasn't interested in anything but finding out information and signing book and your on your way...
maybe i am asking too much of people, and asking everyone to help me when i should be able to help myself, i just feel so dependable on one other person to be there for me to help me when i fall and be there when i need them,
why have i become this!? it sucks!