Showing posts with label hard. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hard. Show all posts

Friday, August 3

It's Hard To Say Goodbye! Especially Twice In A Week...

The events over this last week have caught up with me as I have now started to process everything. It's been hard because I never thought that any of this would happen.. And even if you was expecting it, it still doesn't hurt anymore than it should.

I say this because my friends family have lost 2 cats in a week! This broke my heart into millions of pieces as I am a cat person I always have been, I like dogs but I prefer cats!

23rd/24th July.
I stayed over at my friends house as we were going shopping next day with my mum and sister. And all of a sudden just before midnight there was a knock at the door and one of the dogs called Maisie started barking and my friend just told her off and I said no someone is knocking at the door. Eventually she got up to see what was going on and someone knocked the door saying they have found a black and white cat that looks like has been hit by a car. I was like whats going on and waited for her to come back and then her neighbour came in because they knocked her door first and they wasn't sure if it was their cat or one of my friends. I went out there to see what I could do and was asked to check to see if it was Socks and I looked down and my heart broke because he was laying in the path not moving. My friend rang the vet to ask them to double check it was him as their cats are microchipped. We waited for the vet to let us in and he was leaking fluid which meant that he had gone in her arms before we got him to the vet :( as soon as we went in the lady scanned him with the micro chip checker and as soon as she said "it's Socks" that was it I broke down more and then we had to leave him there because she couldnt take him home at that time because of the dogs and other cats. So they kept him safe for her.
As soon as I got back into the car I went into shock, I wasn't paying attention, I was staring and just sobbing. Because I had just been having cuddles with him that day and I got him in because the dozy cat went out the front when he shouldn't be out there so I called him in through the window..
He was only 8 years old he was still a baby pretty much, and few days after I was still expecting this fat cat to come up to me meowing at me for attention and barely leaving my side!
Can't believe this beautiful cat has gone :(

Socks Curled Up Next To Me
Socks Watching Us Play Cards

30th July
Monday was the day that we had to say Goodbye to their gorgeous cat Mischief. He was an old cat, he was 16 and he was a very special cat. About 4-5 years ago he was in a car accident and they were on the way to the vet to have him put down. But the Vet was new and she offered to amputate his leg if they paid for his anesthetic etc. They told my friends family that he would be limited on what he can do etc. one of them was telling them he would never jump a 6ft fence again, but he did! He didn't do much the last few months as he started to go blind.. Because his eyes didn't change with the light. So I used to help him get outside by getting him to smell me and guide him slowly.
He got put to sleep because the day before I noticed that one of his eyes was bleeding and it turned out his eye started to sink into his head :( I left him at 10pm after playing cards with my friend her dad and Gran. I put Mischief up on to a comfy chair next to him so he wasn't alone, eventually he decided he didnt want to stay indoors so he put himself back outside where he always slept all day and night. Later that even I was talking to my friends sister and niece and they said that his eye had got worse within a couple of hours :( I got the message during the day Monday that he was booked in with the vet to be put to sleep.. We all said our goodbyes before they left. I picked him up and cradled him and cried and gave him a kiss. I had to put him in the cat box so they could go.
After about half an hour I got a call from my friend in tears because Mischief just went peacefully and that he had no fight left in him so he knew it was his time to go. She also mentioned the vet that put him to sleep was the same vet who did his operation to amputate his leg. She was also in tears bless her and had to get the help from one of the nurses because she was a mess. She even said that she was going to take a 5min break to gather herself.
I comforted my friends dad as he was heart broken. He didn't realise how much it was gonna hit him about loosing both the cats in a week! So I sat with him and gave him a hug and we had a scotch and lemonade and we sat down and talked about it all. He has sworn he never wants another cat because it hurts too much when they pass and said that he wanted a budgie! I was like really, you don't like things that fly!? With that he said he knew and chuckled. I mentioned it to my friend when she rung me and told her mum and sister and they chuckled as well.
When everyone came back we stood in the garden as a family crying together and supporting each other. I remember the day Mischief and his brother Felix came into their family as kittens, and they both used to love sleeping on me one in my lap and one on my chest. They are beautiful and loving cats. Mischief always used to comfort me when I was feeling low.. And I am gonna miss him so much!!


Mischief Sitting With Me
Whilst I Play Cards
Mischief Came To Gave Me Cuddles
When I Was Feeling Down

All this has taken its toll on me and I haven't been able to process it all till now and I am finding it difficult still to this day and it is only Friday!
These beautiful cats are loved and missed <3 p="">

Wednesday, March 3

The Trouble Is..

... I Just Cant Bloody Sleeps!

I thought i was doing ok when i fell asleep pretty quick last night around 12am.. until i kept waking in the night and drinking exessivly.. normally i dont bother with drinking especially at night, but for some reason all i keep doing is drinking drinking and drinking! lol
i dunno what it is thats doing this, i feel like i have heartburn alot...?

Not sure if it is the drug i have in my system from the termination i had to recieve.. well start on the 26th of feb i dunno!

Monday, March 1

1st March

what to say about today....?
had a bad nights sleep... and got up early-ish to go to the hospital for my blood test to see if my hormones are decreasing yet, got my second one thursday and then shall decide if i need the second injection....
and spent the day with the other half in Chichester wondering around bit going in and out of shops

even went to see my mummy at work today =) which was fun!

hasnt been all that bad today, even if i did sit in mcdonalds and i felt sad and i still feel it now writing this, but i should realise and know that i did the right thing, but i still feel and wish that my baby was IN my WOMB and nowhere else and i would be happy and able to say YAY I PREGNANT........... but no!! :(
its hard and i keep upsetting myself half the time, but i just wish that i had my own baby my own chance to do something good and be a mom like everyone else i know!

Monday, January 25

is it worth it?

Relationships ...

are they worth it!?
personally i dont know, sometimes i know and feel and think yes, sometimes i not so sure.

i mean what exactly are the good things about having a boyfriend, and the bad points!?

I have a list of good and bad points that i have made from personal experiences over the last few years, but each person in some respects are different, whereas some are worse than others!

My Good Points:
  • Hugs & Kisses
  • Made Feel Special
  • Dates
  • Sex (sometimes can be a good thing)
Bad Points:
  • Ex's can cause you problems
  • Mixed feelings
  • Sometimes can change when least expect it
  • Cheating (which can become an issue)
Sometimes what makes it harder is the person you are and how you take and react to things, i for one take things to heart and badly and react differently to any normal person.
I hide away, run away and various other things. i for one cannot really stand up for myself.
I WILL however, say stuff over text or the internet that i wouldnt say in person because i am in some ways scared of conflict and well i try not to cause it so often, but there is always one person, just one person out there who wants to ruin something! and unfortunatly it always happens even to the best of people, and unfortunatly it cannot be stopped or changed.

Still.. after everything some people can come out stronger, better where as others will not come out of it 'sunny side up'

just ... what will happen to me, will it be worth it in the end, or will it end up in disaster like everything else in my life!?

Monday, December 21

Nice Weather For Ducks...

Well i woke this morning to find it had snowed some more, not alot just enough to cover outside and make it look whiter.. but by the time i eventually went outside for a cigarette it was just wet and looked icey up the drive, so i guess it had been raining either alot or slightly to give it that 'glazed' icey look?
Still i went out for a cigarette staring at the house wondering what would happen in a few months time, as both mum n dad have different ideas about it all .. and i was thinking what should be done for the best, and well i strongly feel that none of us should have the house, and that we pack it up and move when the time is ready.. for there are loads of memories in this house, good and bad, and well i think that someone else should have their chance on making their memories good or bad hear instead of living in the house from which mum n dad split up in etc.
but i guess thats down to mum n dad at the end of the day, but if either of them had any sense, any sense at all they would do the house up, make it look clean and perfect and then get it evaluated, and then just work out sensibly what to do with it instead of fighting against each other for the house!
i am watching tv and trying really hard to focus and concentrate on the stuff i am meant to be helping my friend on, but what with whats going on around us is just making everything difficult and i feel so uncomfortable here.. its not like a home anymore, partly because i keep leaving and coming back, but more so the atmosphere and the uncomfortableness that has arrised from the parents splitting up and making snide remarks about each other - i just feel as though i am stuck smack bang in the middle all the time it aint fair! :(