Am I Really As Bad As I Think I Am...

I just don't know what to do anymore. I am at a loss and just feel miserable and very hurt.
Basically, every time I try and make plans to see someone I always get messed about and lied too. I don't understand it but no one wants to know me anymore and it really hurts.

My so called best friend wants nothing to do with me pretty much she barely speaks to me now. Last time she did this was when she got a boyfriend so no doubt she is seeing someone else now and I just get dropped because I am no longer needed or wanted. She just doesn't care about me anymore and I don't understand what I have done wrong or why she is treating me badly now. She messaged me out of the blue over a week ago and she got shitty with me because I told her that she can't just ignore me and expect me to drop everything and go running to see her I can't keep doing that. It's not fair on me. She picks me up and drops me when it suits her. I mean our friendship has always been one sided, and that was me going out of my way to hang out with her because for some reason she refuses to come to my place now. I have been here for almost 2 and a half years and she has been round here twice to stay over. If she does come round we are here for like 10mins and she wants to go straight away and stuff like that. It's frustrating because she promised me when I moved in on my own she would be here for me and she would be round every chance she got and from then she just made up all these excuses and it got to the point where I stopped asking.
It pissed me off last week because I had arranged to go out with her sister (also one of my friends) to go with her to get her tattoo done and she wanted me to dye her hair. I stupidly agreed but then when I thought about it I was just like why am I doing this, I don't know why I agreed to this. As it happened her sister who I went with to get her tattoo asked me to do her hair and so I agreed to do hers because I had already messed up her hair in the first place and I said I'd fix it. But as it happened I was told I was needed by someone else so I cancelled doing their hair on Thursday and my so called friend wasn't interested when I said that I needed to finish off some stuff at the flat as I had my medical on friday.

Oh that reminds me, none of them asked me how I got on! Only people who checked up on me was my mum and my sister. That's it but then granted I didn't announce it to everyone because it's not their business it's mine and my issues that I had to get through. Which has also made me realise that I am just wasting my time on so called friends.

I just don't understand what the hell is wrong with me and why no one wants to be my friend and why people feel the need to treat me so badly. It really really hurts and I am just stuck I don't know what to do or say or anything it sucks. I know I am not the easiest person to get on with as I can be moody and I do tend to keep myself to myself a lot and not bother anyone with my problems or if I am having a bad day because in reality no one actually cares or gives a crap and my so called friend proved that when she asked me once how I was feeling and I admitted that I wasn't doing so well and she completely ignored that and started talking about herself and how she is so ill and she hopes to go to work the next day etc. In the end I did to her what she did to me and just give her basic responses and just wasn't interested because all I kept thinking was if that's how she treated me that day is this what shes been doing to me the last couple of years and I have been too blind to notice?

I honestly do what I can for others and make time for them and talk to them when they need someone to talk too etc. I do it because I know how it feels when no one is here for me and I don't want anyone to feel the same way I do all the time because it isn't fair.
Now, I don't do all this to make sure that someone is here for me in the long run because I know that in reality it doesn't happen. I just don't want people feeling the same way I feel constantly.

All that this has made me feel like shit and that my world is crashing down around me. It's also made me feel that I am as worthless that I think I am same with unwanted and unloved. I also feel very lonely and I just want to close my heart and my mind up and not let anyone else in because this really is so hard. I think having the BPD has made this worse because I don't think like a normal person does my emotions and feelings are different which doesn't help..

What A Week It's Been...

Been having a bit of a hard time at the moment as I have barely been sleeping. It started Tuesday night (7th November) I had a bit of a late night because I was worried about getting up and ready to go to my last appointment with a lady called Suzanne at 11am. So I didn't sleep much then and even though I take my medication around 9pm I was still awake early hours in the morning. I had my inspection the following day on the 8th and had to be up early then too. But again I had trouble sleeping so I had a few hours sleep and then spent the day distracting myself and stopping myself from sleeping.
9pm came I took my meds and I found I was awake till gone 4am Friday 9th morning, and it went on for days. I was eventually falling asleep, but when I did I kept waking up constantly so I ended up having barely any sleep.
It's just been awful. Insomnia is a bitch and I hate it. I wish I could sleep like normal people, but then I remember 'there is no such thing as normal'
My sleeping has got a little better I have managed to fall asleep and sleep, but I keep waking up feeling like I haven't slept again and just generally feeling drained all the time. I am also struggling to concentrate on anything and enjoy doing anything :( it's really frustrating!

I feel like I have no one to talk to about this and feel like a burden on people especially asking if people are around to either go with me or pick me up and take me round there, granted it isn't far, but I still find it difficult to walk out my front door. I have been making some progress with seeing the ladies I have been seeing but some days I do have my set backs and I can't change that, I wish I could but sometimes it just all feels like it is getting too much for me.

I have a question...

Am I Mental For Wanting To Vent My Anger And Feelings And Thoughts On To Paper, Well Notebooks???

As you may know, I have Borderline Personality Disorder or at least some kind of Personality Disorder, Depression, Anxiety problems and slight Agoraphobia..

And I myself struggle talking and expressing my feelings "normally" but i feel that me writing helps myself without others knowing exactly what has been written..

I am in a bad place right now, I am going through a masses amount of problems and stress, and i cant cope with everything right now, and i felt at the time it was easier for me to write out on paper exactly how i am feeling.

But now, i am being told im mental and not normal for wanting to keep notebooks of stuff i write, i never re read anything i just write it and close the book and go back and write some more then close it etc. i have never re readen anything i wrote.

Apart from once, when i went through some old notepad files on the pc and i read some poems i had written years ago and it broke my heart, i guess i never really knew or understood exactly how i was feeling myself, and seeing that the feels have hardly changed was just awful.

I should really sort out my problems, but i have no patience for meds to work again, and really considering putting myself into a mental hospital or something just to keep me safe,

But if i did this, who is to say i can take the things that really mean to me like my cat for starters i couldnt leave him he needs me around, and loves my company!

no one texts me much anymore so hardly anyone is going to miss my texts/calls... i just really dont know what else i can do now, and after all the words that have been said, i just dont think its fair..

I was reminded of how this girl, has a life, has her baby etc. etc. etc. it just killed me.

I know it is nothing to do with you whom read this but i needed to get that off my chest! so i am sorry, but i am allowed to have feelings, arent i??

The State Of My Life, Is Unbelievable

Well, i am 23 in 2 days (13th) and omg, i am at the same point as i was last bloody year
- no job
- no life
- no family
- no money
- no friends
no nothing!!!!

I dont understand, i was seeing Kevin up till about 2 weeks ago when he decided to tell me that he was going to discharge me because i had to reschedual the last 2 appointments, and i was apparently late for the one i turned up for - the receptionist told me i was booked in for 2pm not 3pm but i swear i was booked in at 3pm ... so that pissed me off pretty much!
So now, since he had not let me know if i had managed to get on the STEPPS programme, nor did i get help from a lady at the surgery called Kirsty, for Anxiety & Depression and now i will not know if i get my stupid assessment for BPD - so it just seems that i wasted all my time and efforts in attempting to sort myself out because of my ectopic, everything has in a way gone down the pan.
On the 15th it would had been 2 months since the date, but 8 weeks on monday just gone since i had the op. and it is a nasty reminder that i cant do anything right... i mean, it has really made me feel like i have the worlds worst amount of luck!
yet i wasnt born on Friday 13th!!! - however my 18th birthday was on a bloody friday!!....maybe thats what done it?
Again, i dont understand what caused this, and weather or not my right fallopian is clear or fine - until i get another one, i guess?
I have been so depressed again the last couple of days because of the state of the way my life is at the moment, and the way things are at home...
I was informed the other day that the house was being Evaluated, to see how much it is worth as it looks like things are getting to the point now where they are going to have to sell the house...!!
I dunno, it just seems and feels like nothing to me is ever simples anymore! lol its crazy, i mean i dont know how i am coping, or how i am plodding along still..but i am!?
I think i might just stick to growing flowers from seeds - and making hanging baskets and stuff with the seeds i own and have bought and growing veggies too, better than nothing... really, right?

Tomorrow i am going to make sure i get up early enough to ring the bloody doctor and get this sorted out, because i for one cannot live like this anymore and i cannot repeat cannot do any of this by myself, really.. i do need help! and yes, i am admitting to it, but it is difficult with my anxiety and agoraphobia that comes and goes ... driving me Nuts!!!

Its Been 2 Weeks..

Since my operation and suprisingly i am OK - which is strange when i have seen loads of people on various Ectopic Pregnancy groups on facebook...

But all i can say about that is i guess i had no choice in the matter, i was told if i didnt have the methotrexate injection then it would end in complications but due to the endless amounts of calls from some idiot i ignored the hospital & doctors whom was trying to ring me to have my blood test done to work out if i need the second injection - which is then what lead me up into my tube rupturing and having to have that removed along with the 12w fetus growing there..

I guess i kinda feel angry, as it could had been avoided - but in some ways i am relieved incase it had happened again and it was in the left again - but i would had never known that my tube was damaged (to which i still am not aware what from) i just feel kind of mixed up - maybe the reason why i have been "ok" is because i am putting a front on so people cant see what i am really going through,  because i sure as hell know no one on my facebook is really interested in whats going on or whats happened... including some of my family!

But now, after keeping this page for the last 4/5 months i am now in threat to remove it because some idiot knows what i wrote about her - but thing is, everything i have said is true! and now im being told that she is going to do the same to me "to see how i like it" - thing is i aint really done anything wrong to her, all she knows is the stuff that Tim has told her over the last 2 years - so all she is going to do is gain attention for something that really isnt true - so if you are reading this:

*then good luck to you, i dont much care! because i know what i really am and what i have done, and well good luck to you because at end of the day all you have is very little truth and very little on the facts! *

I just dont understand how some person can be adamant to ruin someones life, if i had left then what would happen - nothing, either that or got her own way to shut her up as goes on and on despite having pretty much told for the last 3 months she is not longer wanted....!!!

anyway enough of the little mental person - i am not going to let IT ruin my life anymore, she has done enough damage the last 2 years!

.... I really need to focus on me, or at least my family as we are still being ripped to shreads..

why does something that seems to be OK for so many years end up with everything shattered...?

its hardly fair anymore

Thank God Its Friday...

Ok well many not "Thank god its friday" but still.. its a different day, right!?

I am slowly getting there after my bad day i had the other day..
Today it has now been 2 weeks since i had the termination.. and i still sit here and think how on earth have i manged to go through it and cope with the last 2 weeks..!?
Still.. i will get some money again soooooonies and i will get to do bit more, may even think about making something for my now angel in heaven in the garden hehe

I missed my blood tests yesterday due to no moneys! :( and my dad didnt get in touch when apparently he was in Barnham Trading Post but didnt bother to let me know he could help me.. bit disappointed to be honest.. but what can you do!?

Spent the last few days indoors, not hiding, but staying as i have been out alot over the last 2 weeks.. but i also staying in due to no funds... so either way it had to be done *boohoo*

Today i loose my mind..

I just had my first break down in a long while..

I feel so angry, tense and i just wanna rip my skin off my body.. i just feel so alone today and fed up and i just dont know what to do to make anything better anymore
I have just got really angry and scared myself and spent the best part of the last hour or so crying, i hate having this bpd its no fun anymore.. i hate it but i am scared to sort it out because i hate change!

I feel as though everyone forgets about me, i am invisible to the world and no one likes me anymore!

I cant help who i am...

Fun.. Fun.. Fun...

Today after spending the day in bed being ill.. i went out with my other half and his kids! :)

was kinda nice actually.. but have to admit it bit hard, when they not my own! i felt bit sad today because although its good "practise" they aint mine.. and well watching them all 'playfight' etc. it kinda makes me sad because i feel bit like outcast.. probs silly.. just i wish i had a child who wanna play with me.. one of his kids aint too bad... i was getting hugs from one of them and spent the day playing with her.. and pushing around in pushchair..!
I did get some picture's as did my other half and done some funny videos that was cool.. :)

still.. to end this day i got a phone call from the Hospital telling me that they would like me to go back on the 11th for my last (possible final) blood test... just to make sure that my hormone levels go back to normal and there was no problems with my results which means i dont have to have another Injection for the termination because it has done what it was meant to do.. so thats kinda good i guess.

Sunday Sunday Sunday...

Ok, WHY is it that Sundays are always the worst and boring day of the week!? and how is it that we always seem to know when its sunday...?
is it because i have no life that i find it extremely irratating...?
is is because i have my bus ticket but cant go far due to the buses stopping at half 6...?
or is is it just because i cant find anything to do!?

...god i seem really sad!? lol

I mean i thought it would had been nice, to relax today, the other half has gone out.. but i absolutely hate it!!
i feel the time has gone by so slowly and its just so depressing... let alone being down in the dumps about my ectopic pregnancy i had terminated on 26th...!
although today i have actually thought about how things would be different and wondered what they would be like if i hadnt had an ectopic pregnancy... thinking stuff like
...watching my belly grow
...seeing it on the screen for scans
...listening to its heartbeat
etc.. all this i long to have and witness for myself! and i really wish that this time was MY time... except now i have to wait at least 3 months to be able to start and try again, well thats if my body will enable me to have another baby :(
...i really hope it does!!

Gone Too Soon...

Too very soon...

Today i wrote out a memorial page for my now Little Angel 'Billie' i named it because i felt it deserved a name, so i chose Billie as in some ways it is a Unisex Name - and i already know of people who have used names such as

Ashley

Bailey

and it was the first that come to my head anyway...

So here it is .. Billies Gone Too Soon Page.....

Billie Osman-Hoad 

God Must Have Some Plans For My Angel That I Never Got To See, Never Got The Chance To Grow.. And Never Got A Chance...

I Love You Always Lil One xxx