It's Such A Perfect Day...

And i am glad i am feeling so much better than i did yesterday!!!

Yesterday i had a god awful headache and i was sick aswel.. NO fun!

I have not got much to update, except i am feeling bit down in the dumps and bit annoyed about 'Pathways' which is this course thing i HAVE to do on ESA - I emailed the woman i saw to let her know what was going on with Ectopic Pregnancy when i first had the injections on the 26th Feb, and i never had a response, i believe the only letter i had was telling me i missed it - and i am sure i never had another appointment gave to me? or even if i did i wouldnt had got it on time, or i was in hospital.. it wasnt my fault. i told her at the time i prefered to be contacted via email or text - there was nothing stopping her telling me there was a letter on the way, or even better send me a copy of the bloody letter via email!

and yet I am now in trouble (i think) for it but i have no idea why.. i had my money stopped for about 2 months between feb & 2 weeks ago and i assumed that i was on the appeal and that i wasnt being seen etc. or i wasnt involved in pathways no more as i never heard from the woman again despite emailing her.. and then out of the blue i find out she has been ringing me and i bloody missed 'em because they've rung me up on with held (which i dont answer thanks to a complete idiot you know who you are) or my phone was off because again of the idiot!

I just dont understand why all this crap happens to me, nothing is ever easy, nothing is ever simple anymore! and i had gone onto ESA for extra support into getting me back into work safely after the problems i have had over the years with people & my mental health.. and yet after the phone call with her yesterday i felt kinda upset, and disapointed when i tried to explain what had happened i had the attitude:

"well its not me its effecting"

..I mean talk about bloody rude! she knew i have my phone on silent because its easier for me, and she knew i rather be texted than phoned or emailed - so why did she choose to ignore me and ring my mobile instead, i will never know!

Still.. least i got my sick note sent in, i just dont have a clue whatsoever on what to do about her and the course anymore!

I am still waiting to find out if i am gonna be able to get on to this STEPPS programme with the Bedale Centre which is a course enabled for people in need of better coping mechanisms etc.

But then again i have not actually seen him since poss beginning Feb...?

- again that was due to the Ectopic Pregnancy and being in and out of hospital for Blood Tests, Scans, Examinations etc.

Still.. only time will tell i guess..

The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells

The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide

Get Me Out of Here: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder

Sometimes I Act Crazy: Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified: An Essential Guide for Understanding and Living with BPD

Mental Health and Mental Illness

Prentice Hall Reviews & Rationales: Mental Health Nursing (2nd Edition)

Mental Health: Dimensions of Self-Esteem and Emotional Well-Being

PDR Drug Guide for Mental Health Professionals, 3rd Edition

Unsupported losses: Ectopic and molar pregnancy and blighted ovum

Ectopic Pregnancy Medical Guide

21st Century Ultimate Medical Guide to Problem Pregnancies - Miscarriage, Stillbirth, Ectopic Pregnancies - Authoritative Clinical Information for Physicians and Patients (Two CD-ROM Set)

Dystocia; Ectopic Pregnancy (Clinical Obstetrics and Gynecology, Vol. 30, No. 1, March 1987)

Good News...?

So i had my appointment with Kevin - the bloke i see at our local surgery for my mental health problems, and the site i had found for the STEPPS programme i had mentioned before a few months ago, i had read and i asked if i could go for it - yay go me! - website here
Oh, and it looks like that i can hopefully get a proper diagnosis so that it might also actually give me some idea on few things and i can actually say "I do have BPD - i finally got a proper diagnosis" etc. and also this way it might actually help make me realise i do have it regardless and make me come to terms to it too.
Fingers crossed me thinks.

December 12th

still recovering from yesterday with my 'counsiler' Kevin .. and i am hopefully going to start looking into the STEPPS programme.. hopefully it aint too complicated for me and i can easily read it - i am bit slow!
i have started my day off with a 'to do list' which i follow pretty much every day when i remember to write one, as i usually forget something important during the day.. silly really.. but unfortunatly i am bit of a div lol
i have a new website well a couple of new websites that i am planning to run, including my other 3 and including running around 7 blogs on this website - trying to keep myself busy although i am probably going the wrong way about it !?
there are lists within my blog for my other websites, so be sure to check them out! but the new two i am running now are based upon my life so thats at In A Lonely Place. i am going to link this blog and my other poetry blog because these are my thoughts and daily diary that i wanted to share to help others, and to gain a little help myself.
my other website i have done based upon Recipes.. i have a few of my own that i have made with friends, most of them i can remember however something difficult like the Lancashire Hot Pot i learnt to make with my now ex boyfriends mum, oh and i learnt to make Lasagne and Apple Pie! but since that was years ago well 4 to be precise i do not remember now.

I know i need to get some sort of 'structure' in my life, but this stupid anxiety thing i have wrong with me including depression and BPD it makes things difficult because i do not know how i am going to react around strange people, and i dont even know how i am going to react around people i know! silly really.. but not alot of people know about my BPD for the reasons i aint bothered to tell anyone for they dont take much notice of me as i am now.

Kevin .. I Guess You Can Call Him My Counsiler?

today was my appointment to see Kevin at our doctors surgery.
i didnt really want to go i just felt so let down by the bedale centre that i couldnt really face going... but me mom made me go *sigh*
we were late because of traffic.. my appointment was at 3:20pm and i was not seen until 4pm to which took an hour..!
i told him what had been going on over the last few weeks, he asked me why i stopped taking my citalopram anti depressants - so i told him what i felt and that they were not working for me..
also admitted i ask for further help from the surgery - but again i got upset because i didnt actually know what i wanted the help for or why.. was very difficult for me 2 explain.
he had also told me that the bedale centre had written to the gp and not me, saying something along the line of:
"samantha is showing traits to bpd and has trauma from the past. i feel that samantha will not require no more help from bedale unless stated otherwise she can be refered back if cause for concern"
i was really annoyed.. everyone say its clear i have bpd from how i act, what i do and how i behave etc. but for some reason the 'consultant' thinks and feels different otherwise.
i have to look up about a programe called STEPPS which is a course with the bedale centre to help with my problems and i guess learn!? to be honest i have not got much clue about it, until i read up on it!
was bit emotional with it all today.
i bought some more chocolate, not alot mind as i gave some 2 my sister and my mum for helping me and taking me up the sugery.
been chilling out as much as i could this evening, and just kept myself to my self.. had chinese for tea - well kind of chinese i had was just chicken balls and chips and thats all i seem to want to eat from the Chinese we go to now lol so i am happy with chicken balls and chips! - seriously beigninning to think i am a very cheap date lol