I was meant to come on my laptop last night to write an entry especially following the announcement our Prime Minister, Boris Johnson has said and what he has decided is to put us pretty much on a Lockdown in hopes to stop this Coronavirus spreading and infecting more people.
This virus has been going around the world for the last couple of months now but I have not posted anything about it because in my opinion and with talks with my mum & sister that this isn't as bad as the news and media but more importantly social media makes it sound worse than it is, and with that it has let the whole world go into panic mode and everyone is in turn panic buying everything that they can get their hands on which then lead the shops to sell out of everything pretty much. This has left everyone who hasn't panic shopped struggling to buy any kind of food and toilet roll.
Luckily, I did a shop almost 3 weeks ago and was able to buy 2 tins of beans, 2 tins of beans and sausages, 2 tins vegetable soup, tin of tomato soup (had 1 in cupboard anyway) managed to buy a few micro meals and I brought 3 tiny loaves of bread I don't normally buy that many but because it's so small I knew it would all fit in my freezer. I have since been shopping and stocked up on the toiletries like shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste and pads so least IF I get low I don't have to go out just for those bits because lets face it although they are essential I don't want to go out just for those. Plus none of us know how long we will have to stay in for so at least I have those bits as they aren't as important as it would be to buy food.
Also, last night my sister took my mum and I shopping and I managed to pick up some more bits granted I didn't actually need any of it lol but I now have some other bits so I don't get bored of what I already have in. I managed to get some milk and cereal so that will make a nice change. I also picked up some lettuce, cucumber cherry tomato's and I picked up some wraps so I can at least have wraps or just salad for my dinner as I grabbed some ham whilst I was there last night and I got tuna when I was in B&M on Friday with my friend as she also took me out then to grab some shopping. The only thing I know I will run out of is toilet roll. But that's because everyone has been buying them for almost a month and when there is a delivery they're gone so quickly. But my mum has said she can give me some of hers my friend has offered to give me some of hers as well and my sister is still working nights at Sainsburys and has said that if I need anything to give her a shout also and she will get somethings for me.
I am so lucky that I live pretty much in the middle between my mum and my sister as I know neither of them are far away, what worries me more than anything is not being able to see my sister and my nephews properly. But I don't wanna risk picking anything up and passing it on to my mum or sister and especially my nephews I could never forgive myself if I made my nephews poorly :( it is going to be lonely as I live on my own but I can at least do video calls and talk to them and see them although it wont be the same as if I was actually sitting with them playing with them talking to them and having cuddles.
At the moment for me, nothing much has changed as I do not go far anyway and also because I know that I have access to others ways of seeing and speaking to them but it wont be the same which is a shame but it is what it is and for now it will have to do. I just honestly hope that other people in the UK aren't stupid and stick to the guidelines that have been put in place so we can stop this virus spreading and ensure that no one else gets poorly and we can all get back to normal and the way it was before this virus hit the UK and the rest of the world. I have seen that there are no new cases in China which is good to know I just hope that now with other places and countries in lockdown this means that they can tackle this.
I am going to do the best I can to look after myself it is going to be hard as I am not actually very good at doing.. but I gotta try which is the main thing.
Showing posts with label Anxious. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Anxious. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 24
Monday, January 27
Am I Really As Bad As I Think I Am...
I just don't know what to do anymore. I am at a loss and just feel miserable and very hurt.
Basically, every time I try and make plans to see someone I always get messed about and lied too. I don't understand it but no one wants to know me anymore and it really hurts.
My so called best friend wants nothing to do with me pretty much she barely speaks to me now. Last time she did this was when she got a boyfriend so no doubt she is seeing someone else now and I just get dropped because I am no longer needed or wanted. She just doesn't care about me anymore and I don't understand what I have done wrong or why she is treating me badly now. She messaged me out of the blue over a week ago and she got shitty with me because I told her that she can't just ignore me and expect me to drop everything and go running to see her I can't keep doing that. It's not fair on me. She picks me up and drops me when it suits her. I mean our friendship has always been one sided, and that was me going out of my way to hang out with her because for some reason she refuses to come to my place now. I have been here for almost 2 and a half years and she has been round here twice to stay over. If she does come round we are here for like 10mins and she wants to go straight away and stuff like that. It's frustrating because she promised me when I moved in on my own she would be here for me and she would be round every chance she got and from then she just made up all these excuses and it got to the point where I stopped asking.
It pissed me off last week because I had arranged to go out with her sister (also one of my friends) to go with her to get her tattoo done and she wanted me to dye her hair. I stupidly agreed but then when I thought about it I was just like why am I doing this, I don't know why I agreed to this. As it happened her sister who I went with to get her tattoo asked me to do her hair and so I agreed to do hers because I had already messed up her hair in the first place and I said I'd fix it. But as it happened I was told I was needed by someone else so I cancelled doing their hair on Thursday and my so called friend wasn't interested when I said that I needed to finish off some stuff at the flat as I had my medical on friday.
Oh that reminds me, none of them asked me how I got on! Only people who checked up on me was my mum and my sister. That's it but then granted I didn't announce it to everyone because it's not their business it's mine and my issues that I had to get through. Which has also made me realise that I am just wasting my time on so called friends.
I just don't understand what the hell is wrong with me and why no one wants to be my friend and why people feel the need to treat me so badly. It really really hurts and I am just stuck I don't know what to do or say or anything it sucks. I know I am not the easiest person to get on with as I can be moody and I do tend to keep myself to myself a lot and not bother anyone with my problems or if I am having a bad day because in reality no one actually cares or gives a crap and my so called friend proved that when she asked me once how I was feeling and I admitted that I wasn't doing so well and she completely ignored that and started talking about herself and how she is so ill and she hopes to go to work the next day etc. In the end I did to her what she did to me and just give her basic responses and just wasn't interested because all I kept thinking was if that's how she treated me that day is this what shes been doing to me the last couple of years and I have been too blind to notice?
I honestly do what I can for others and make time for them and talk to them when they need someone to talk too etc. I do it because I know how it feels when no one is here for me and I don't want anyone to feel the same way I do all the time because it isn't fair.
Now, I don't do all this to make sure that someone is here for me in the long run because I know that in reality it doesn't happen. I just don't want people feeling the same way I feel constantly.
All that this has made me feel like shit and that my world is crashing down around me. It's also made me feel that I am as worthless that I think I am same with unwanted and unloved. I also feel very lonely and I just want to close my heart and my mind up and not let anyone else in because this really is so hard. I think having the BPD has made this worse because I don't think like a normal person does my emotions and feelings are different which doesn't help..
Basically, every time I try and make plans to see someone I always get messed about and lied too. I don't understand it but no one wants to know me anymore and it really hurts.
My so called best friend wants nothing to do with me pretty much she barely speaks to me now. Last time she did this was when she got a boyfriend so no doubt she is seeing someone else now and I just get dropped because I am no longer needed or wanted. She just doesn't care about me anymore and I don't understand what I have done wrong or why she is treating me badly now. She messaged me out of the blue over a week ago and she got shitty with me because I told her that she can't just ignore me and expect me to drop everything and go running to see her I can't keep doing that. It's not fair on me. She picks me up and drops me when it suits her. I mean our friendship has always been one sided, and that was me going out of my way to hang out with her because for some reason she refuses to come to my place now. I have been here for almost 2 and a half years and she has been round here twice to stay over. If she does come round we are here for like 10mins and she wants to go straight away and stuff like that. It's frustrating because she promised me when I moved in on my own she would be here for me and she would be round every chance she got and from then she just made up all these excuses and it got to the point where I stopped asking.
It pissed me off last week because I had arranged to go out with her sister (also one of my friends) to go with her to get her tattoo done and she wanted me to dye her hair. I stupidly agreed but then when I thought about it I was just like why am I doing this, I don't know why I agreed to this. As it happened her sister who I went with to get her tattoo asked me to do her hair and so I agreed to do hers because I had already messed up her hair in the first place and I said I'd fix it. But as it happened I was told I was needed by someone else so I cancelled doing their hair on Thursday and my so called friend wasn't interested when I said that I needed to finish off some stuff at the flat as I had my medical on friday.
Oh that reminds me, none of them asked me how I got on! Only people who checked up on me was my mum and my sister. That's it but then granted I didn't announce it to everyone because it's not their business it's mine and my issues that I had to get through. Which has also made me realise that I am just wasting my time on so called friends.
I just don't understand what the hell is wrong with me and why no one wants to be my friend and why people feel the need to treat me so badly. It really really hurts and I am just stuck I don't know what to do or say or anything it sucks. I know I am not the easiest person to get on with as I can be moody and I do tend to keep myself to myself a lot and not bother anyone with my problems or if I am having a bad day because in reality no one actually cares or gives a crap and my so called friend proved that when she asked me once how I was feeling and I admitted that I wasn't doing so well and she completely ignored that and started talking about herself and how she is so ill and she hopes to go to work the next day etc. In the end I did to her what she did to me and just give her basic responses and just wasn't interested because all I kept thinking was if that's how she treated me that day is this what shes been doing to me the last couple of years and I have been too blind to notice?
I honestly do what I can for others and make time for them and talk to them when they need someone to talk too etc. I do it because I know how it feels when no one is here for me and I don't want anyone to feel the same way I do all the time because it isn't fair.
Now, I don't do all this to make sure that someone is here for me in the long run because I know that in reality it doesn't happen. I just don't want people feeling the same way I feel constantly.
All that this has made me feel like shit and that my world is crashing down around me. It's also made me feel that I am as worthless that I think I am same with unwanted and unloved. I also feel very lonely and I just want to close my heart and my mind up and not let anyone else in because this really is so hard. I think having the BPD has made this worse because I don't think like a normal person does my emotions and feelings are different which doesn't help..
Tuesday, October 22
Well That Didn't Go As I Had Hoped...
At the beginning of the month I had wrote a post about coming off my Mirtazapine tablets to try something new called Venlafaxine. Within a few days of taking the new meds I had a couple of side effects which I thought at first was a good thing and then all of a sudden I had lost myself and the side effects had got worse and got to the point where I couldn't look after myself properly.
The side effects I had were
- Sweating
- Dry Mouth
- Feeling Sleepy
- Trouble Sleeping
- Feeling Sick
These side effects were awful. I already have trouble sleeping as I have Insomnia amongst other things but it got to the point where I was falling asleep gone 4 often 5 or 6am in the morning. I was still waking up around 9am or 11am when my alarm goes off but I was constantly tired and it got to the point where I wasn't really eating anything during the day. I didn't see anyone for 2 weeks except for my mum she had popped round to see me and brought me shopping when I needed it. All I asked her to get me was soup and bread and a few goodies like doughnuts and cake and crisps. I don't know what I would've done if my mum hadn't come round to check on me and help me.
With the sweating I found myself spending days without clothes on because it was the only way I felt cooler.
I had my check up on Friday 18th and it was so stressful. I had a bit of a meltdown before I went to the doctors because I had to go by myself, my mum had agreed to meet me in the end so I had to walk to my sisters as that is where she was. I wore my coat because it was raining on and off but found myself really hot even though I just had a tshirt on underneath I thought I'd be fine but I really wasn't. I had waited for almost 25mins for a bus to take us to the doctor and where it was late I was stressing myself and worrying I wouldn't make the doctors on time. So my mum said to ring them and let them know that I am running a little late. Issue was when the bus finally came it was the one that goes the long way around Bersted and whilst I was in the call queue the bus eventually turned up so I let them know I would be running late and explained the buses were late and then the receptionist turned around and said that my Doctor was running a full clinic and if I am more than 5 mins late the doctor will make me as DNA (did not attend) and it would be down to the doctor if she would see me or not. With being stressed and worried about the buses being late I then got more stressed worrying about how long it will take the bus to go to the doctors and then when we got there just before 2:30 which was the time of my appointment my mum and I rushed as fast as my legs would take me to walk down the road. My legs started to feel like jelly as we were just outside the doctors so I checked I could sign myself in on the screen luckily I still could and then sat down and waited to be called in. Luckily I had made it just in time to my appointment.
I told my doctor about everything I have gone through the last 2 weeks with not being able to cope with all the side effects. I told her what I had and how bad it had got for me. I hate to admit it but it got so bad that I no longer did anything I didn't even shower either every day or every other day I didn't really eat anything and even my doctor could see that I wasn't myself as I have seen her 3 or 4 times now so she noticed that I wasn't myself. She told me there and then to stop taking the medication and just take the Quetiapine at night like I normally do. She did mention Promethazine to help with me sleeping and I said I already take those. Bedale had prescribed them to me last year when I had my last appointment there and I had mentioned that I had been taking the Promethazine at the same time as the Quetiapine whilst I was taking the Venlafaxine but it made no difference.
It's crazy how a lower dose of medication counteracted the other medication which is a higher dose.
I am a little disappointed with all of this and unfortunately I cannot get the last 2 weeks back but I am so glad that my family are so understanding with how I have been feeling and haven't pushed me to do something that won't help.
Yesterday which was Monday 21st October I managed to go out. My mum met me after I got out the shower and we were going to go to town but I didn't want to go in the end so I told mum that I only wanted a new saucepan and asked if she would mind if I just went to my sisters first and she was fine with that.
It felt so good to be able to get out I saw my sister and my littlest nephew and waited for my middle nephew to finish school and then my eldest nephew does football after school on a Monday so I waited to see him too. It felt great to see my sister and my gorgeous nephews. I have missed them all so much I felt bad for not being around but I couldn't force myself to do something I could not do.
I also managed to do a little shopping last night too. I got myself BBQ Pulled Pork and Cheesy Mash from Tesco for my dinner last night and grabbed a few other bits I needed like micro meals more soup and got a few cakey bits too. I didn't get no crisps because I had forgotten that I didn't have any left lol but it's fine. But I have enough food to last me a week or so.
As for the doctors I have an appointment in 2-3 weeks time to see how I am getting on with just the Quetiapine and Promethazine. I can go back on the Mirtazapine IF I want too but at the moment my doctor wants to see how I get on without those ones which is fine.
The side effects I had were
- Sweating
- Dry Mouth
- Feeling Sleepy
- Trouble Sleeping
- Feeling Sick
These side effects were awful. I already have trouble sleeping as I have Insomnia amongst other things but it got to the point where I was falling asleep gone 4 often 5 or 6am in the morning. I was still waking up around 9am or 11am when my alarm goes off but I was constantly tired and it got to the point where I wasn't really eating anything during the day. I didn't see anyone for 2 weeks except for my mum she had popped round to see me and brought me shopping when I needed it. All I asked her to get me was soup and bread and a few goodies like doughnuts and cake and crisps. I don't know what I would've done if my mum hadn't come round to check on me and help me.
With the sweating I found myself spending days without clothes on because it was the only way I felt cooler.
I had my check up on Friday 18th and it was so stressful. I had a bit of a meltdown before I went to the doctors because I had to go by myself, my mum had agreed to meet me in the end so I had to walk to my sisters as that is where she was. I wore my coat because it was raining on and off but found myself really hot even though I just had a tshirt on underneath I thought I'd be fine but I really wasn't. I had waited for almost 25mins for a bus to take us to the doctor and where it was late I was stressing myself and worrying I wouldn't make the doctors on time. So my mum said to ring them and let them know that I am running a little late. Issue was when the bus finally came it was the one that goes the long way around Bersted and whilst I was in the call queue the bus eventually turned up so I let them know I would be running late and explained the buses were late and then the receptionist turned around and said that my Doctor was running a full clinic and if I am more than 5 mins late the doctor will make me as DNA (did not attend) and it would be down to the doctor if she would see me or not. With being stressed and worried about the buses being late I then got more stressed worrying about how long it will take the bus to go to the doctors and then when we got there just before 2:30 which was the time of my appointment my mum and I rushed as fast as my legs would take me to walk down the road. My legs started to feel like jelly as we were just outside the doctors so I checked I could sign myself in on the screen luckily I still could and then sat down and waited to be called in. Luckily I had made it just in time to my appointment.
I told my doctor about everything I have gone through the last 2 weeks with not being able to cope with all the side effects. I told her what I had and how bad it had got for me. I hate to admit it but it got so bad that I no longer did anything I didn't even shower either every day or every other day I didn't really eat anything and even my doctor could see that I wasn't myself as I have seen her 3 or 4 times now so she noticed that I wasn't myself. She told me there and then to stop taking the medication and just take the Quetiapine at night like I normally do. She did mention Promethazine to help with me sleeping and I said I already take those. Bedale had prescribed them to me last year when I had my last appointment there and I had mentioned that I had been taking the Promethazine at the same time as the Quetiapine whilst I was taking the Venlafaxine but it made no difference.
It's crazy how a lower dose of medication counteracted the other medication which is a higher dose.
I am a little disappointed with all of this and unfortunately I cannot get the last 2 weeks back but I am so glad that my family are so understanding with how I have been feeling and haven't pushed me to do something that won't help.
Yesterday which was Monday 21st October I managed to go out. My mum met me after I got out the shower and we were going to go to town but I didn't want to go in the end so I told mum that I only wanted a new saucepan and asked if she would mind if I just went to my sisters first and she was fine with that.
It felt so good to be able to get out I saw my sister and my littlest nephew and waited for my middle nephew to finish school and then my eldest nephew does football after school on a Monday so I waited to see him too. It felt great to see my sister and my gorgeous nephews. I have missed them all so much I felt bad for not being around but I couldn't force myself to do something I could not do.
I also managed to do a little shopping last night too. I got myself BBQ Pulled Pork and Cheesy Mash from Tesco for my dinner last night and grabbed a few other bits I needed like micro meals more soup and got a few cakey bits too. I didn't get no crisps because I had forgotten that I didn't have any left lol but it's fine. But I have enough food to last me a week or so.
As for the doctors I have an appointment in 2-3 weeks time to see how I am getting on with just the Quetiapine and Promethazine. I can go back on the Mirtazapine IF I want too but at the moment my doctor wants to see how I get on without those ones which is fine.
Wednesday, November 14
What A Week It's Been...
Been having a bit of a hard time at the moment as I have barely been sleeping. It started Tuesday night (7th November) I had a bit of a late night because I was worried about getting up and ready to go to my last appointment with a lady called Suzanne at 11am. So I didn't sleep much then and even though I take my medication around 9pm I was still awake early hours in the morning. I had my inspection the following day on the 8th and had to be up early then too. But again I had trouble sleeping so I had a few hours sleep and then spent the day distracting myself and stopping myself from sleeping.
9pm came I took my meds and I found I was awake till gone 4am Friday 9th morning, and it went on for days. I was eventually falling asleep, but when I did I kept waking up constantly so I ended up having barely any sleep.
It's just been awful. Insomnia is a bitch and I hate it. I wish I could sleep like normal people, but then I remember 'there is no such thing as normal'
My sleeping has got a little better I have managed to fall asleep and sleep, but I keep waking up feeling like I haven't slept again and just generally feeling drained all the time. I am also struggling to concentrate on anything and enjoy doing anything :( it's really frustrating!
I feel like I have no one to talk to about this and feel like a burden on people especially asking if people are around to either go with me or pick me up and take me round there, granted it isn't far, but I still find it difficult to walk out my front door. I have been making some progress with seeing the ladies I have been seeing but some days I do have my set backs and I can't change that, I wish I could but sometimes it just all feels like it is getting too much for me.
9pm came I took my meds and I found I was awake till gone 4am Friday 9th morning, and it went on for days. I was eventually falling asleep, but when I did I kept waking up constantly so I ended up having barely any sleep.
It's just been awful. Insomnia is a bitch and I hate it. I wish I could sleep like normal people, but then I remember 'there is no such thing as normal'
My sleeping has got a little better I have managed to fall asleep and sleep, but I keep waking up feeling like I haven't slept again and just generally feeling drained all the time. I am also struggling to concentrate on anything and enjoy doing anything :( it's really frustrating!
I feel like I have no one to talk to about this and feel like a burden on people especially asking if people are around to either go with me or pick me up and take me round there, granted it isn't far, but I still find it difficult to walk out my front door. I have been making some progress with seeing the ladies I have been seeing but some days I do have my set backs and I can't change that, I wish I could but sometimes it just all feels like it is getting too much for me.
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