Sometimes I Wonder Why I Bother...

So, growing up I never really had any proper friends. I used to have people offer to be here for me and talk to whenever I needed too.. I started to put my trust into people and one day it all changed.
Basically the person in question did the usual I am here if you ever need to talk to someone etc etc etc and so I was having a few issues and he was online and asked me how I was and I opened up and admitted that I was struggling and he turned on me and I was distraught and heartbroken and said to him that you said I could talk to you if I needed too and then he continued to have a go at me and blocked me on MSN Messenger. I was so upset and confused that I just didn't know what to do. Except just let this blow over. He never spoke to me again not even at school.

Since that moment I had decided that I was never going to open up to anyone again and I didn't very often, I kept everything to myself because I also realized that people just don't really care. They can tell you they do, but in reality do they?

I then decided that I was going to make sure that no one else felt the way that I did again because it wasn't nice and it wasn't fair as there are genuine people out there who do need someone and despite all my issues and problems I always make sure that everyone else is ok.

Although, this time I am wondering why I bother being there for people especially my so called best friends because I spend time making sure that they're ok and I will do what I can to help them..
But, what happens when it comes to me? I can tell you what happens, nothing. I was having a hard time recently with the change in my medication and trying something new and the only person who was there for me was my mum. Granted I did not tell my sister or my brother what was going on. But I did that because my sister has 3 kids my nephews and I didn't want her to worry about me when she already has the kids to look after, but I did speak to her a couple times and then eventually opened up as soon as I saw her which was the Monday after my doctors appointment which was 2 weeks ago. My so called friends knew as one of them I look after her kids for on a Tuesday and it just felt like no one believed me. Eventually she came back and said that she was worried about me as I wasn't myself and said to her point blank that it was what I had been telling her but she didn't listen!
Think its time for me to be selective on who I talk to now saves getting hurt even more..

Things That Make You Wonder .... "WHY"

Over the last few days, I have been finding various things out, and I don't like what I see..
I run graphics through a friend page on Facebook, and over the last few months I have come to meet some nice people, some not so nice.
Worst thing is, the not so nice things come from someone whom you classed as a 'friend'
Everyone has their opinions, I am not saying they don't, but surely if you had a problem with someone you would therefore explain it to someone to hope to solve the differences or just brush it off and ignore it because you know full well that saying something would cause drama.. Or so you think!
I've been hurt and distraught over people taking advantage of me, and reporting me for silly little things left right and centre, but never did I expect to see it come from someone whom you class as a friend..
1st problem - made a graphic to print, laminate & post - which I did, but then claimed never got it and then set a month long problem with PayPal.. Got their refund & their graphic *sigh*
2nd problem - made a timeline cover & display picture to help out a 'friend' for free - stole my design stuck them onto t-shirts and sold them *sigh*
3rd problem - a 'friend' criticise my work, wrote how they wanted to hurt me, and blocked me from seeing everything on their page - god knows why :\ and now I think I've fallen out with my friend over it..
This is the 3rd thing to go wrong since doing my graphics, all in the space of months! Something is starting to tell me that maybe I am wasting my time and efforts in doing what I am doing, and I should just give up..
Another part of me is telling myself to not give up and let these people win, because there are people out there whom have come forward and told me how my work has helped them grieve and so much more..
I don't want to let people down, but I don't want people criticising me and being generally rude for no reason at all.. I've never criticised them or their work, and I have been doing what I do for the last 7 years, not to mention the 2 year gap! But I still designed websites for friends..
Really wish I knew what gave people the idea to say things like this, especially to fellow designers and friends!!

I get a lot of my inspiration from other graphics.. I look at them and think
" ohh wow I like that, I wonder if I can do it too "
And so I try, sometimes I fail, sometimes I don't..

Its not my fault a lot of the scrap kits are free to download, some are to purchase.. Not to mention having over 1000 of tubes!
All my work I do in Paintshop Pro X2 and I love it and love using it.. I am always learning new things.

Theres always something there to remind me...

Today i was how you say reminded of the incident that occured around 5 years ago, when i was staying in seaford, east sussex for just under 5months.

I was sleeping on a friends sofa, due to falling out with my boyfriend, best friend and mum..
Whilst i was staying there i was accused of stealing £50 from my friends aunt & uncle... i was gob smacked to learn this!
I was actually given £50 via bank transfer from my uncle at the time i was staying in seaford due to no money, and he offered it to me as a "belated birthday gift" from missing out on quite a few birthdays!
But, i never withdrew the money from my account, nor did i deposit it.

This now cannot be proved, but even so, i know i never stole from them, never have done and never will, its not me.
But, my mum on the other hand believed me because of the problems i was going through, i had litterally found i was clinicly depressed, and diagnosed that year by a dr in Preston, when i was living there that same year, in April 2006.

So, my mum replaced the money that i was accused of stealing, and few years ago it came around to someone else admitting they stole the money, but i am the one who is still being blamed and kinda punished for something i never even did in the first place.
Which now is putting pressure on me deciding if it is worth continuing a friendship with my friend because of her aunt and other friend not dropping something or apologising for something i never had even done in the first place!

Ohhh what do i do

Thinking Gives Me Headaches..

Lately i have been feeling down in the dumps and i have been keeping it all to myself and locking it up in my head and throwing away the keys..
But i have been thinking about how to resolve some of the problems, dread etc. and decided that the best thing to do is admit defeat (again) and go back to the doctors (again) and sort myself (again)!!!

...I cant seem to keep things going and i cant seem to be able to sort myself out properly, or by the time i do i cant continue being "strong" and i give up, but i really need to learn to stop giving up, but it is easier said then done.

Tomorrow i am going to sort out getting to the doctors for one, i cannot continue on with my life feeling the way i do day in and day out, struggling with myself and my thoughts and feelings.. and problems!
I need to learn to talk to someone and open up..

Its time to give in..

And get my butt to the doctors..

I need to sort out my problem.. as i am confused as to whats going on and why nothings happened..
And i need to sort out my meds/help!
I stopped taking the meds during december, not on purpose! i was ill with flu and i couldnt go docs because they wont let you in with a flu because of stupid swine flu.. and i couldnt get a repeat prescription because i needed the check up.. and then i stopped attending the bedale center again because something happened and it put me back to the start again where i was afraid to go out and be alone etc.
So i am hoping that can be easily sorted..

Although i have to admit i am worried about the outcome of all that though, because what i am scared of more than anything is death... which i have to admit sounds weird coming from someone who used self harm! but its the truth.. i am scared out of my wits when it comes to it..!
The thought of not seeing the stars, the moon, the seasons and the weather hurts..!

I do not know what to think or make of current events at the moment as nothing seems to ever be easy, and i do not know why..!
I mean, one min things are fine.. well not fine but ok and then within a blink of an eye everythings worse off again!

Maybe, just maybe, i need a bloody holiday... hmm!!!



Still.. one can always hope!!!

World STOP.. I Wanna Get Off....

Ohh God.. Ohh God.. Ohh GOD...

There is sooo much changing, and sooo much happening that i just cannot keep up any longer..

My head feels like a washing machine on a fast cycle.. Everything jumbling around and round and getting caught up amongst many many other items of clothing inside the washing machine..

It just gives me a big headache and it no fair anymore.. I just cant keep up or allow one thing to enter my head to sort out at just that one time.. and i dont know why!

I really really wish things wasnt so messed up inside my head and was easy to talk about things and allow them to come out and leave and never return, but it doesnt seem to want to work that way and i dont know why :(

Just let me get off now, i'm feeling sick...!!

As if feeling like a washing machine wasn't enough for me, i also feel like i am on a rollercoaster...

A rollercoaster of change..

I know its going to sound really stupid, but i just found out that my dad is now seeing someone also.. and i feel bit odd about it all..

When mum and dad split up i was really unhappy and freightened of what it would mean and become, and worrying about how things would be at home, and how it would be with just Mum, but then dad came home again and it got awkward :( always arguing and saying things to each other and moaning about each other behind their backs!! Awkward

When my mum started  seeing someone not long after dad it didnt feel right, and same with the others after that it didnt feel right, it didnt feel right that dad and mum had split up either :(

But now both of them have someone, and it just feels over.. i dont feel like i am apart of a family anymore, i cant go and say

"I live with my mum and dad and siblings" or "i have a mum and dad" now, its "i live with my mum" and "i have a mum, and a dad"

and then soon, i'll end up with step-parents!!

Why does it have to be so final.. so finished...

Ohh No... Not AGAIN!!!!

Ok i done something else pretty stupid today - another thing i have managed to upset myself a little bit with - and worry myself with!!

For the last few months i have been feeling pretty crap, as i have hardly had much sleep and i keep having hot and cold flushes during the day sometimes and i have them at night quite a bit..
So me being me, does a Google search with " night sweats " and what comes up.......??

MENOPAUSE...!!!!

I was like omg.. nooooo!!! and i couldnt work it out to be honest.. i mentioned it some one else and said it could be down to my Ectopic Pregnancy operation i had... but i never heard of that happening before..??

So, i just either going to have to put it down to stress.. or go to a doctor about that also.. but they already gave me a leaflet on Insomnia.. so god knows what is happening to my body... lol but something needs to be done!

Because other week i said i had tiredness, headaches and something else.. and then the first thing that came up this time was....

Leukemia..

Of course this upset me.. but i keep forgetting that all the symptoms i have or had experienced are all linked to many other Illnesses but i didnt actually think properly to start off..

This is why i have to be careful with what i do or say because i am bit dopey and i am always believing everything i see written without thinking or paying a great deal of attention!!


Ooops....!!!

My Life..

I've been thinking about a great deal of things over the last 9 months or so, not just because of the ectopic i had, but because of other things, well other people instead..
I have looked at what i have been through from what i can remember from when i was kid, and to be honest there isn't much that i do remember, or recall.. but what people have said, i can see as if it were on video tape.. other stuff just seems to haunt me..
The last 3 years or so have been a bit mixed up...
2007 - i got with a bloke called Gary - he was bit dippy, and kinda ended up being bit like a maid doing his washing most of the time - which admittedly wasn't much as he wore same pants for days :| cripes!!!
In July time, i started seeing some lad whom i talk to a lot called James, he was lovely bless him! and strangely enough are still friends to this date! :D
Eventually i got back with Oli, he was my first REAL boyfriend, we broke up in 2006 as i was moving back to Bognor and wanted a fresh start blah blah blah...!! lol but eventually i realized i didnt feel the same for him as he did for me, or the feelings that i did have wasn't strong enough, so i let him go! apart of me wishes i hadn't another part thinks its for the best!
Since then, everything seemed to had gone down hill! :(
September 2007 i got a job in Card Factory, and i loved it! it was fun and interesting and new and i ended up getting to be a Supervisor and left in charge on sunday - again something else i loved! Until Christmas came! i was sooo ill over christmas it was horrible! :( - and this is where everything started boiling up again! the store was packed with people buying christmas cards and small gifts etc. and it didnt help when i ended up getting the flu with a bad cough and still having to work! - i did let down alot of people there which i couldn't or didnt mean to do just happened but i couldnt cope and didnt have the heart to admit it or tell anyone! - was awful.. then came along the "suicidal attempt" in march 2008 - not been as bad since (touch wood) but have done it since..
I ended up giving up my job at card factory because of my behaviour, being picked on by staff and an incident with someone causing me problems didnt help! i didnt know what else to do, so i had to give up and let the other people win, i am not really a fighter.. i am more of a giver up person!
Since these incidents i have not worked in 2 years! 2 years!!! its awful.. it really is! but i just cant cope with myself, let alone trying to keep a job - again! i am not the person whom i was and this Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression and Anxiety problems are holding me back - which i cannot stop.. because i know there is something wrong with me and being out and about with these problems and by myself scare me! so i just keep myself to myself and normally keep my problems to my self!.. but i need to " talk " let go of some " release " and feel bit better - although knowing me i wish i hadn't done or said anything, which would then lead me into deleting this post, if need be!
but then again, i dont really know why i post my thoughts and feelings and upset on this blog, when there are people out there whom follow me around the internet, watching me and my every moves - and i dont know why! there is nothing fascinating about me, so i dont know why everyone feels the need to stalk me online! lol idiots...!!!

anyway i think i done enough talking (typing) for one day/night (started last night) and leave it as it is, for now!

9th October

... I know it has been quite a while since i posted, but i have very good reasons for this which i will try to explain as much as possible.

1.
I was being followed on this blog, so i stopped writing for a while because people were making stuff up and saying i had said something - which was untrue!

2.
I didnt feel like posting for a while.. so i started up a new blog talking about my problems and everything, which i will not be linking through to this one for the fear of the people stalking me on this account getting the other one and using everything against me - which i have to say is NOT fair!

3.
The summer wasn't so bad, so i was in the garden doing my garden or out helping friends with small jobs!

But i am going to use this one to talk about everything else, BUT my problems - or upsets as i feel this isn't going to help with people whom don't even know me well judge me based on my past/problems - when them too have problems or similar to what i been through, and yet have ago at me and hurl abuse at me, which is hardly fair!

Bare with me whilst i continue writing this one..

Ohhhhh.... Its Been A While... ;)

Hehe i just love that part from scary movie with her "afro bush" lol

Well, it has been a while since i have written to any of my blogs, and well i stopped to try and see if it stops people interfering, and funnily enough since i have not written anything to it i have had no idiots causing hassle.. so maybe NOW i can continue to write my blog without the problems that they've caused from it!

Nothing much has changed in the last few weeks, except still trying to start to get over the operation, which i am not getting out properly... i dont want it to be an ongoing thing, but i guess i just think:
"im 22, in a way i have half my reproductive system... am i 'normal' etc."

On the upside (i think) I have bought myself alot of stuff on ebay... items such as:
HEADPHONES - BRAS (yes they are brand new...) - HAIR EXTENSIONS - HAIR STRAIGHTNERS - NEW CAMERA - DVDS...

I have not done too bad, considering i have been selling too...!

Got my new bras today, including one of my dvds and my hair straightners, so i am trying out all those before i go out tonight,

oh yeh main reason for why i am writing this lol - i am going out tonight with my uncle, to do star gazing! =) - but this time i am going with him to an event in Guildford ...!!!

I have been out before with my uncle, but that was in September time..? - i am waiting on getting a telescope through him too...

I have been taking images of Venus Thursday night and i took picture of the Moon & Venus last night... my camera is a standard compact 10mp camera with 3x optical zoom!

(I bought myself a new one with 7mp and 10x optical zoom!...so i will be able to get better images hopefully)

Here is an image of the moon i took with venus shining below it:

I am hoping to get some new pictures tonight, as my uncle will be showing me just how i can take better images - not that it matters, but it be useful when i sell my camera i have now to make up for buying the new one..

Who knows, i might just get some pictures of some Galaxies.. or maybe even Saturn or Mars (as they're out the same time not long after Venus - between approx half 8 and 9pm - which you have to look to the WEST for!!!)

What Is Happening To Me..?

This morning i woke up to my "brother" hurling abuse about me and to me over my facebook page... and i still have not got down to the "real" reason.. he keeps saying:

- "your the biggest bitch in the world"

- "your a BULLY"

- "you ruined my life"

and various things along that line... but the one thing that hurt me the most was this:

"You ficked your life up by getting knocked up. Its your fault all this and I'm glad your baby is dead, i don't care! you would had ruined it's life, like you do everyone elses"

..to what did i deserve those cruel words!?

I tell you why i think i got that kind of abuse - i stood up for my mother, he was hurling abuse at her because..

1 - his phone was barred and didnt know why

2 - his ps3 controller wasnt working, so went up stairs to bash it up some more

3 - mum paid HIS phone bill and threatened her because it wasnt HIS fault (yet the sim is in HIS phone.. work that out)

i cant believe that my own flesh and blood, my own brother, would use them cruel words! i have never ever heard anything like it, and i have had abuse thrown at me before now many a times!

It was dreadful.. my brother was there when i got the results of my pregnancy..

my brother was there sitting with me in the ambulence when i had to go to A&E as i was bleeding.. 

my brother was there with me sitting in A&E

my brother was there talking about how cool it would be to be an uncle and how he would like to be called

my brother was there for me that day i found out it was ectopic..

my brother was there for me few days later when i come back from the hospital after the emergancy operation

....all these things he had done for me and been there for me which was just amazing to then turn around few days later and say these harmful words...?

I'm deeply hurt, and deeply gobsmacked

=(

^This Is Me, Dan & Becci (92/93)^

^ this is me with dan (04/05) ^

^ this is most recent pic of dan and me (08/09?) ^

...we looked so happy.... what on earth happened to my brother....?

oh my god... what ever next..

When will this shit end..!?

grr seriously this girl is mental.. threatening me first to have me beaten up and then to have me taken away by pyshchiatrists & men in white coats.. and now the police.. what ever next...?
..i dont get it.. i mean it ok her telling us she fed up being treated like shit or told kill herself but in fact it is the other way around..

i am being threatened with:

- pyschiatrists and the men in white coats to take me away

- be beaten up by various people

- and now being in trouble with the police...

...is she having a laugh?

she is a mental case.. rings up constantly .. texts all the time, claims she is pregnant, claims she has having abortions and miscarriages etc. 

she is telling me that i am to blame for everything that is going wrong in her life - yet she is the one causing all the problems!

i was awake till very late last night in a state for what she has been saying and doing to me, and now i have to change my mobile number to get rid of the sad individual.. and i believe me other half now has to do the same!

Its ok her telling me how much of a nut job i am for what i have done, and the violence streaks i have that dont come out all the time

but she wasnt so quick to start a fight herself when she was here a few months ago because she didnt like it she was told to leave and didnt like it she was told she was not wanted but insisted she HAD to stay because she was covered in bruises - but she had no markings on her at all my other half did! 

i swear she sets the police on me, then fine! i can get her into far more shit.. plus she is supposed to work with kids in a nursery in chichester....!? seriously if she acts like this all the time then aint them kids in danger themselves!?

I have never ever come into this sort of trouble ever in my life! 

this girl has ruined her own life for being such a dickhead and ruining friendships and relationships! 

she has been hanging around in the darkness for almost 2 years now, and she still doesnt get that it aint her he wants it is me but she insists otherwise claiming she has all this evidence but never proves anything!

Why is it me who is being targetted for this nonsense... i have not done a thing wrong to her - everything i have said about her and the way she acts and what is going on she is jealous.. but no she wont admit it she says all the time

"why would i be jealous of a retard like you"

and then why call me a retard!? how am i a retard..?

...aint that offensive to people who do have proper problems etc...!?

I have Borderline Personality Disorder..

and the thing that she does and say and everything make me change within seconds! i am frantically typing at my laptop writing this because i am so darn angry at her and for what she is doing and causing!

I just hope that when tim and i do get married she realise she has lost and fuck off and ruin someone elses life! 

I do not want to live the next 10, 20 years with some idiot like her who wont let go because she has no one else to fall back on, no one else wants her because of the way she is!

...garentee i get told that all this is me none of it her etc. - thing is i have all the recordings on the phones from what she says about me to me one answer machines! 

maybe i should post a cd of her screams and shouts down the phone, stupid threats and send them to her work

People say i am a psycho.. but no one actually knows what i and my other half have to deal with!

Maybe its her who needs be sectioned, taken away or whatever ... she is the one who threatens to kill herself because she cant get what she wants!

oh but then again, she does in the end, and that is stupid attention!!!

i am so angry its un true! thanks to her i now do not feel safe anywhere, she says she knows where my mum lives, she knows where my other half lives... no one or nothing is safe anymore!!
 

if anyone has any suggestions, help or ideas then please get in touch!

I cant cope with any of this anymore, and i seriously do not have a clue on what to do anymore! its beyond a joke!

Cut Me Some Slack..

Today i am very tired.. i didnt sleep well after going to bed around 3am i did not sleep very well i couldnt get what happened before hand with this girl upsetting me and causing me problems..
It was dreadful everyone tells me i am strong after what i been through so i shouldnt let her ruin me, but it is hard when stuff like that has been said and sent to my phone that i now have to change my mobile number just to stop the hurt and abuse coming through to me first!
Trouble is, she threats me all the time, been threatening with some person to beat me to pulp twice in space of few hours that never even happened.. and threatening to come over again today! and what makes it worse is she lies to get the attention and then my other half texts her to find out what she playing at etc. but as he says, she does it to wind me up and upset me and play mind games with me.. but if that is the case, then why does he continue to allow the idiot to threaten us and text her because she says she is coming over when she really isnt!?

i wish i had the answers and i really wish none of this ever happened.. but unfortantly the little girl gets off on the attention and rows that have been going on with her for the last few months, possibily the last year.
All she goes on about is being pregnant.. but for a pregnant person she sure dont act like it.. threatening, causing rows, upset - not just towards us but it involves her too but no, instead of leaving us alone she continues to cause problems!
some people are stupid, strange, cruel, manipulative and heartles...!!
...no wonder this girl has no friends really.. and is about to loose her job - talk about nut job....

Why Are People Cruel & Heartless....?

Today..

I am being blamed for ruining someones life, when i have done nothing to this person in question.

For months and months and months she has been told where to go and to leave me alone etc. but she ignores mine and tims requests and turning it around to say that he doesnt want me and he wants her etc. and thats how it goes..

Tonight i have been told that i will have killed two babies...

but i genuinly cannot see how i have done this, i am the one who has been recieving messages saying stuff like:

"im going to abort my baby just to keep you happy"

"i am taking all my tablets just to make you happy"

..she keeps threatening me with killing her self etc, and blaming it all on me, i do not understand why...

It aint my fault that tim doesnt want her,

but because she knows of my BPD(borderline personality disorder) & Anxiety & Depression.. she now knows about the baby i have just lost.. etc.

she knows that she can get to me because of the way i am!

she has sent me a picture tonight of what is meant to be her baby ... telling me that it was that that i would be killing!

i am distraught and very mixed up and confused, how can someone put that amount of pressure on someone..

i myself do not know if i am coming or going as it is let alone having some mental case telling me i am killing her baby

i've also recieved endless amounts of threats to be beaten to a pulp... and everything

=(

i am genuinely feeling fed up...

fed up with being threatened to be beaten to a pulp

fed up being the reason why someone is aborting their baby

fed up with being the reason why she has to cause problems

i aint exactly done anything to her, it aint my fault that tim dont want her... is it!?

i am so confused.. distraught.. scared.. mixed up...

my.. my.. my..

What A Day... What A Day...

Had my last blood test today (dunno if good thing or bad...?) plus i am still bleeding on and off and light, sort of like 'spotting'
Spent the day with my other half and his son, which was nice.. even if it did hurt at times because it often hurts knowing that i had to loose mine, and i just dont have a connection like he does with his kids and it hurts! :( silly really.. but i just really wish i had my own child that would actually be excited to see me everyday and want to play with me and everything!
i dunno i guess i being silly... but i just in some ways in the 2 weeks i knew i was pregnant i kinda had this whole idea of what a family would be like and finding out it was ectopic just killed something inside! people say i can try again etc. but who is to say that this time the baby will grow in my womb and not in my tubes or ovaries or wherever it was this time around etc.
other than that it was an OK day till some berk starts causing problems with her "thats not what he said" or "he was seeing me at the weekend" etc. etc. etc. i am board of hearing it and board of you knowing that you can control my mind by not even seeing me ...!!
I am now chilling out, has just had spaghetti and meatballs made for me for my late late dinner... whilst watching a film called Stick It, that my other half bought me in BlockBusters! :)

1st March

what to say about today....?
had a bad nights sleep... and got up early-ish to go to the hospital for my blood test to see if my hormones are decreasing yet, got my second one thursday and then shall decide if i need the second injection....
and spent the day with the other half in Chichester wondering around bit going in and out of shops

even went to see my mummy at work today =) which was fun!

hasnt been all that bad today, even if i did sit in mcdonalds and i felt sad and i still feel it now writing this, but i should realise and know that i did the right thing, but i still feel and wish that my baby was IN my WOMB and nowhere else and i would be happy and able to say YAY I PREGNANT........... but no!! :(
its hard and i keep upsetting myself half the time, but i just wish that i had my own baby my own chance to do something good and be a mom like everyone else i know!

Gone Too Soon...

Too very soon...

Today i wrote out a memorial page for my now Little Angel 'Billie' i named it because i felt it deserved a name, so i chose Billie as in some ways it is a Unisex Name - and i already know of people who have used names such as

Ashley

Bailey

and it was the first that come to my head anyway...

So here it is .. Billies Gone Too Soon Page.....

Billie Osman-Hoad 

God Must Have Some Plans For My Angel That I Never Got To See, Never Got The Chance To Grow.. And Never Got A Chance...

I Love You Always Lil One xxx

never thought i would see the day..

..... that i would have to make an awful decision!!!

On the 12th feburay i found i was pregnant.. but i had a bleed.. so i panicked and was told on the phone by doctor to get in touch with A&E and get down there asap.. so as i couldnt get up there i had to call for an ambulence as i wasnt in the right frame of mind in the end.. i was then told that despite the bleed and still having some pregnancy symptoms it was a good sign... so off home i go knowing i AM pregnant...

come the 15th i had my scan booked, excited and nervous to be having it and heartbroken to learn there is nothing in my uterous.. put it down to a possible miscarriage and sent me off for blood tests, wasnt high enough hormones so more blood tests i have, still not high enough so have another one, still not high enough, have my scan 23rd feb, still nothing on the screen possible ectopic with the baby growing in my ovary.. more blood tests.. chance of having a normal pregnancy due to the hormones rocketing, more blood tests hormones rising slowly... scan again 26th feb.. still nothing on scan, so now its confirmed ectopic... 

i was then told that i had two choices .. both of which werent good but i had to choose one....

Injection to kill/stop the cells growing or an operations to remove the cells and be in hospital for 2 days with chances and risks of complications...

so i chose the Injection, i had to terminate the pregnancy, i had no choice.. it was that or death and either way the baby wouldnt grow/survive and i would then be putting myself at risk so i had to do the "right" thing.....

Personally.... the "Termination" hasnt sunk in yet, well not properly.. i keep getting upset now and again in little spurts.. but thats how i am in some respects normally with my BPD.. but yesterday was really hard, and personally i dont know where and how i got the courage to get through all that i have these last 2 weeks.. 

apart of it feels like i have done all this for nothing, and apart of me is a tiny bit glad i got the chance to be pregnant... (due to being sure i was infertile)

So, now, i am in some ways i have my own special little angel ...

despite what others may think or feel about that.. but i was 8weeks and it was a very tiny baby that was in my belly :(

Now, this leaves me with:

more blood tests Monday & Thursday to make sure the hormone levels are decreasing... if not i have another injection next Friday :(

and this now leaves me.. with no pregnancy and no baby :(

when good news become bad..

So i found out on the 12th feb i am pregnant..

thought yes, my life has turned around and is going be better, until today, i had my second scan and still nothing is showing up on the scan :( which means its ectopic, and they feel and think that it is growing on my left ovary... but after blood tests today it will show...?

i am gutted, i really hoped i could have a baby, and i just hope that i dont have to have any of my ovaries or womb etc. removed... it would kill and thats what is kind of worrying me at the moment i guess..

still i wont know for sure until the doctor rings with my results and we go from there!

Dear Ohh Dear Ohh Dear...

Things are still on the downer for me at the moment,
after realising alot of stuff (posted in blogs before) i had put myself in an awkward place and position! and again i find myself trying to undo it sometimes..
I am not self harming, good thing? (who knows) - however i have become and gained some what violent thoughts and feelings about myself more than others! i mean, yeah, i wanna hit someone/something but its struggling to keep it under covers and keeping it together - thats the hard and worst thing! *sigh*

...really i need to get back to the doctors and tell them, but they will give me more tablets and again i will take them for a couple of weeks and stop again as for some reason i get frustrated with them in knowing that it will take some time to work but i dont want to wait forever! and i think thats why i keep giving up again! *sniff*

I have some interview thing with the Job Centre for my Benefits on Thursday, i think i might just get up bit earlier and ring the doctors and make appointments to see someone, i have Kevin on the 5th Feb now, as i cancelled on the 12th Jan due to having a coldy thing!!
I really need to get my act together, need to sort myself out. but it is very hard when i have no one to reach out to for help (other than my mum, but she is a working lady at the mo)

Fingers crossed for me to actually sort myself out again this time eh!?