Today marks the 10th year that I lost my baby through an Ectopic Pregnancy. I have wrote about this in the past on here but I also write more to my other blog that I started when I first had the methotrexate injection to terminate the pregnancy in hopes to save my tube. Unfortunately this was not the case and within 2 weeks my tube had ruptured so I then lost both the baby and my tube.
This pregnancy and baby was very much wanted. I have always wanted to be a mum and have a family of my own and it is a shame that it ended in the way it did. I don't think that it helped with the hospital being unsure as I was first treated as a suspected miscarriage at first. Then I was in and out of hospital for blood tests, scans and examinations. They also believed that during one of my blood tests they felt the baby could be a normal pregnancy because of the way the hormone levels had grown within 48 hours. But I kept having scans and bloods done and the fact the baby was still growing but they couldn't see it that is when they decided that it was an ectopic pregnancy and which is why I opted to have an injection which is called Methotrexate to stop the pregnancy from growing as I did not want to have surgery there and then. I just didn't know that it was going to continue growing as I was unable to get to have my last blood test done as I kept paying out for bus tickets to go back and forth to the hospital and no one could take me and I was having issues with an idiot contacting me solidly that I ended up ignoring ALL the unknown numbers and not knowing that one of them was actually the hospital until a few days later when I had credit to check my answerphone and that wasn't until I had ended up in hospital this day 10 years ago.
I do not remember much of this day but that is because it all happened so fast and I did not have time to process the situation. I mean I know what happened because I remember having to get another ambulance to the hospital by myself as I was in so much pain and had no way of getting to the hospital but my mum had met me there. I remember bits of what happened when I first got there and having a nurse kinda shrugging it off thinking that it was just a urine infection or something and then when I was seen by a doctor he was really mean to me. I remember him asking me to lay down but kept saying I couldn't and then he tried to force me to lay down and I got upset because it hurt that much not long after that my gynecologist came down to do an inspection and realized what was going on and I was given morphine for the pain and plugged up to machines. I had to wait in A&E for a while before I eventually got taken up to the wards which is when they did a emergency scan to see what was going on and within 30mins of being put on the ward I was taken straight away to theater.
To this day I still don't fully know or understand what actually happened that day. When I got brought round I remember my mum, dad, sister & her bf at the time and my uncle being there when I woke up. I wasn't quite with it when I came round as was groggy and still sleepy. I had doctors come round to see me but the one I do remember is someone coming in to ask what they was meant to do with my baby because they couldn't find the paperwork I had signed but I didn't question it I just said I filled loads of paperwork in but didn't know what it was as I was rushed off so quickly.
The next day my mum and sister came to see me and so did my boyfriend at the time which was good.. My dad came to see me in the evening and brought one of my cousins with me as no other family members wanted to come and see me. My brother was in Bristol with his girlfriend at the time but he still kept in touch and I saw him when he came back. I also remember being on a ward with a few older ladies. One of the younger ladies who was also on the ward was leaving the day after I had the surgery and she gave me her remaining days of telly that she had brought so I could still watch tv during day/evening which was really lovely of her. I stayed in from the 15th to the 18th or 19th March. Wasn't fun I ended up going home with my mum for a week and my boyfriend at the time came over to see me few times and even went back to him after the week I spent at home.
I remember my first shower at home I had to get my mum to help me as I couldn't get my incisions wet. That was a task and a half lol especially where the downstairs bathroom was so small but she helped me. Although she did scare me when it came to taking off my bandages as one of the incisions looked infected so I had to go to my doctors for a check up so I could hand in my discharge letter at the same time. I also had to book myself back in there for more blood tests to check and make sure everything went back to "normal" meaning my hormone and my iron levels etc as I had lost a lot of blood so I had to have a blood transfusion which I didn't realise till after.
I have been told that I can have access to my hospital records if I wanted too but they also have the right to refuse the access if you have mental health issues. And where I have BPD, depression and anxiety issues I don't think they'd allow me to know anything I am not sure I haven't looked into it since I last tried to look into this.
Recently I went to the doctors for issues with my periods again and I mentioned that I had my left fallopian tube removed via laparoscopic operation and she asked if they saw anything then and I said I did not know as it never got mentioned and she checked the discharge letter that I was given to take to my doctor and she said that it was very vague and only states that they removed my left fallopian tube that was it. I am not sure if the doctors have access to my hospital records I never thought of asking until now *doh* but it is something that I need to address and I think it's time I found out the truth and learn what happened properly.
I feel a little disappointed that not many people have remembered or even mentioned it since. I have been through my memories on facebook and there was quite few people who used to message me or comment on my wall to let me know they was thinking about me without being reminded. The only 2 people who have contacted me off their own backs was my mum she text me yesterday to see how I was doing and will be popping in but not sure when I am waiting to hear. The 2nd person is my best friend who has only been in my life for around 8 years give or take but the friends who have been in my life a lot longer haven't bothered to check up on me.
But perhaps that is my own fault for not continuing to talk about it I'm not sure. I just know that not everyone wants to know or read about it because as people used to say to me that everyone goes through it but I have to admit I was told "everyone goes through it" but the issue I have is that I still don't know anyone who has gone through it because it is fairly rare compared to the other pregnancy losses. I am in different groups on facebook to do with ectopic pregnancy but I don't know any of them.
If you want to read more about what I have been through then please head on over to Life After My Ectopic Pregnancy. (link opens in new window)
Showing posts with label hospitals. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hospitals. Show all posts
Sunday, March 15
Wednesday, October 31
Been An Awful Couple Of Weeks...
It's been an awful 3-4 week! I came down with a cold and it's only just gone.. I haven't been that unwell in quite a while and I ended up having to spend an evening down A&E on 22nd October because I found that I was struggling with breathing and I had heart palpitations and was really worried about. My bestie's dad told her to put her smart watch on me to check my heart rate and found that my heart rate was sitting between 115 and 125 which isn't right so rung 111 to talk to someone on there and I waited for a nurse to ring me back who said I should go to A&E as I would need an ECG to check my heart and she thought it sounded like a chest infection but they would be able to deal with me better.
My bestie took me to hospital and had to have my blood pressure checked and noticed that I spiked up to 135 so I got taken round to the bays and was asked to get on the bed and take my top and bra off so I could have an ECG done. Once I had that done the nurse said a dr would be round to see me. I wasn't expecting him to come round so quick. He took my temperature as I felt really hot and was sweating. He then asked if I had been to the toilet, eaten or drank anything that day and I admitted I hadn't as I wasn't hungry nor thirsty and hadn't been to the toilet when I woke up that morning which meant that I was then dehydrated from not eating or drinking properly since I hadn't been feeling well. After he took my temperature he said I needed to have some blood tests to find out whats going on so he came back put a cannula in and took my bloods and within 10 mins of him going off once he had done a nurse came to put some fluids in me and then a lady came to take me down to X-Ray turned out he had booked me in for a chest x-ray and I didn't know.
When I got down to X-Ray he asked me to stand against the machine and within 5 mins it was all done. I have had X-Rays done before. I had one years ago on my nose because I was hit in the nose with a hockey stick! Had others done on my knees as I am knocked kneed (means my ankles don't go together) and I used to have them done on my teeth when I saw an orthodontist as one of my teeth grew along the top of my 2 front teeth so I ended up having it removed.
Got wheeled back round to the bay I was sitting in and waited for my results.
Took about half an hour or more or so I would say and dr came back and said that my blood tests show I am fighting an infection or 2 and my x-rays showed a shadow of some kind on my left lung and said that it looks like the start of a chest infection!
With that he went off got my antibiotics and came back and took the cannula out and said I was able to go home :)
After a weeks worth of antibiotics and having an upset stomach over the last 3-4 days I have finished them and I am starting to feel a lot better. Still bit bunged up in places and coughing every so often but otherwise I am slowly starting to feel a bit more like myself
My bestie took me to hospital and had to have my blood pressure checked and noticed that I spiked up to 135 so I got taken round to the bays and was asked to get on the bed and take my top and bra off so I could have an ECG done. Once I had that done the nurse said a dr would be round to see me. I wasn't expecting him to come round so quick. He took my temperature as I felt really hot and was sweating. He then asked if I had been to the toilet, eaten or drank anything that day and I admitted I hadn't as I wasn't hungry nor thirsty and hadn't been to the toilet when I woke up that morning which meant that I was then dehydrated from not eating or drinking properly since I hadn't been feeling well. After he took my temperature he said I needed to have some blood tests to find out whats going on so he came back put a cannula in and took my bloods and within 10 mins of him going off once he had done a nurse came to put some fluids in me and then a lady came to take me down to X-Ray turned out he had booked me in for a chest x-ray and I didn't know.
When I got down to X-Ray he asked me to stand against the machine and within 5 mins it was all done. I have had X-Rays done before. I had one years ago on my nose because I was hit in the nose with a hockey stick! Had others done on my knees as I am knocked kneed (means my ankles don't go together) and I used to have them done on my teeth when I saw an orthodontist as one of my teeth grew along the top of my 2 front teeth so I ended up having it removed.
Got wheeled back round to the bay I was sitting in and waited for my results.
Took about half an hour or more or so I would say and dr came back and said that my blood tests show I am fighting an infection or 2 and my x-rays showed a shadow of some kind on my left lung and said that it looks like the start of a chest infection!
With that he went off got my antibiotics and came back and took the cannula out and said I was able to go home :)
After a weeks worth of antibiotics and having an upset stomach over the last 3-4 days I have finished them and I am starting to feel a lot better. Still bit bunged up in places and coughing every so often but otherwise I am slowly starting to feel a bit more like myself
Thursday, March 28
Its About Bloody Time....
Welll.... I wrote to my blog in August 2012 about having treatment done for my first abnormal smear that I had done in May 2012.. I hadn't said anything about it since, but I had been bleeding pretty much since I had the Colposcopy done in July 2012.. (I had my period in June)
Left it for a while thinking it was "normal" and went back to the doctor end of August beginning of September, was treated for an infection (precautionary) and was given some meds called Tranexamic Acid for "heavy bleeding" well, that didn't work, so another month later, I went back and said I am still bleeding, something isn't right, so they gave me some blood tests!!
Bloods came back "normal" except my hormone levels were slightly high - nothing was done about it, but said it cant be normal, I am STILL bleeding, to which they decided to send me off for some scans, had the appointment in November, asked if there was anything the lady who did the scan could tell me to put my mind at ease, and all she said was "the lining is a little thick" which was odd, especially since I had been bleeding 3-4 days prior... But I got the results back and again everything was normal.. But again, I said how is it normal when I am still bleeding, at this point I asked if it was possible I could have Endometriosis, but she said she wasn't sure, but is going to send me to the hospital for further checks before ruling anything else out.. Just after Christmas I got a letter stating that I needed to ring the hospital to make an appointment, which I did, but the earliest they could get me in was February 2013!! So I took it.
At my appointment, I told the Gynecologist everything she needed to know, including having the Ectopic Pregnancy in March 2010, the amount of bleeding I had etc.
She decided that she wanted to give me a Hysteroscopy there and then. But first she needed to take some swabs, but she said as soon as she touched me I started again, and decided that doing the smear and swabs wouldn't be a good idea.. And seeing as how I was so uncomfortable with the spectulam in she decided it would be a better idea to get me to sleep to do it!! She decided that she would get the Hysteroscopy, my follow up Colposcopy a Smear including the Endometrial Biopsy all at the same time. And offered to fit the coil, but I said I would think about it before saying yes.. Talked to a couple of people about it and decided that it would be the best thing to do, because it may work quicker than any medications and hormone tablets etc. So I agreed on the day that she could fit it. They also done a D&C whilst I was under, but am confused because IF I had one, why did I bleed after the procedure and for the few days afterwards - confusing..
But, today, just over 5 weeks later, I have got the results of my Smear - which is ALL CLEAR NO MORE ABNORMAL CELLS.. I don't need to go back now for another 3 years *yay* and my Endometrial Biopsy came back as Simple Glandular Hyperplasia which is Benign! From what I read, I can gather it is an over growth of the cells in the womb lining.. And the hospital have advised that they thing the coil will help treat this, and then it suddenly dawned me, course it would help lol the coil slowly releases hormones!!!!!
Shame its taken almost 6 months to find out whats wrong, but I guess, I know now and hopefully, the coil will do its job and WORK
Left it for a while thinking it was "normal" and went back to the doctor end of August beginning of September, was treated for an infection (precautionary) and was given some meds called Tranexamic Acid for "heavy bleeding" well, that didn't work, so another month later, I went back and said I am still bleeding, something isn't right, so they gave me some blood tests!!
Bloods came back "normal" except my hormone levels were slightly high - nothing was done about it, but said it cant be normal, I am STILL bleeding, to which they decided to send me off for some scans, had the appointment in November, asked if there was anything the lady who did the scan could tell me to put my mind at ease, and all she said was "the lining is a little thick" which was odd, especially since I had been bleeding 3-4 days prior... But I got the results back and again everything was normal.. But again, I said how is it normal when I am still bleeding, at this point I asked if it was possible I could have Endometriosis, but she said she wasn't sure, but is going to send me to the hospital for further checks before ruling anything else out.. Just after Christmas I got a letter stating that I needed to ring the hospital to make an appointment, which I did, but the earliest they could get me in was February 2013!! So I took it.
At my appointment, I told the Gynecologist everything she needed to know, including having the Ectopic Pregnancy in March 2010, the amount of bleeding I had etc.
She decided that she wanted to give me a Hysteroscopy there and then. But first she needed to take some swabs, but she said as soon as she touched me I started again, and decided that doing the smear and swabs wouldn't be a good idea.. And seeing as how I was so uncomfortable with the spectulam in she decided it would be a better idea to get me to sleep to do it!! She decided that she would get the Hysteroscopy, my follow up Colposcopy a Smear including the Endometrial Biopsy all at the same time. And offered to fit the coil, but I said I would think about it before saying yes.. Talked to a couple of people about it and decided that it would be the best thing to do, because it may work quicker than any medications and hormone tablets etc. So I agreed on the day that she could fit it. They also done a D&C whilst I was under, but am confused because IF I had one, why did I bleed after the procedure and for the few days afterwards - confusing..
But, today, just over 5 weeks later, I have got the results of my Smear - which is ALL CLEAR NO MORE ABNORMAL CELLS.. I don't need to go back now for another 3 years *yay* and my Endometrial Biopsy came back as Simple Glandular Hyperplasia which is Benign! From what I read, I can gather it is an over growth of the cells in the womb lining.. And the hospital have advised that they thing the coil will help treat this, and then it suddenly dawned me, course it would help lol the coil slowly releases hormones!!!!!
Shame its taken almost 6 months to find out whats wrong, but I guess, I know now and hopefully, the coil will do its job and WORK
Wednesday, August 1
Still Waiting..
HOW long does it take for the hospital to write to you.. Apparently it takes FOREVER - or what it feels like at least lol
Its been almost 4 weeks since I had my treatment and I was told between 3 and 4 weeks
Really worrying about these results more and more as the days pass.. I am hoping they got it all, but I am preparing myself for the worst - which is all I can do??
Hopefully I will hear by the end of this week, if not I am straight on the phone to them Next Monday!!
Keeping my fingers crossed though!
Its been almost 4 weeks since I had my treatment and I was told between 3 and 4 weeks
Really worrying about these results more and more as the days pass.. I am hoping they got it all, but I am preparing myself for the worst - which is all I can do??
Hopefully I will hear by the end of this week, if not I am straight on the phone to them Next Monday!!
Keeping my fingers crossed though!
Sunday, July 8
What A Week..
I had an hospital appointment on the Tuesday (3rd July) because I had an abnormal smear result come back end of May..
Being in the Gyny block which is now where the Mother & Baby Block is, felt so uncomfortable.. Especially since they've now moved the EPU (Early Pregnancy Unit) which is where I spent a lot of my time when I had my Ectopic.
Seeing all the ladies with beautiful bumps, big and small made me feel empty and sad.. I couldn't help but think:
When is it MY turn..??
I wonder if I looked liked that..??
If Billie was in the right place, would I have a nice bump..??
It kind of bought so many memories of sitting patiently waiting for my scan, and then waiting to see a doctor about the scans, and then seeing all these happy people come out from the scanning room with their images of their babies... It was just very overwhelming.
Even through the Colposcopy I had to check my cervix was heart breaking.. Very scary I had to go in by myself.. Came out of it sore and miserable.. And also came out with an appointment to go back to have a pre-op and to be put under a general anaesthetic because I couldn't have the treatment done that day.
I went away feeling weird, worried and confused.. Had some lunch with my brother but I wasn't in the right frame of mind for anything so I was pretty quiet..
Had a phone call Wednesday to be told that they want me to go in Thursday.. So I agreed.. Without even thinking about it.
I still feel a little guilty as I promised my friend I would babysit my Godson whilst she took her daughter to meet her new class when she goes to school in September.. And I am little upset because I haven't even heard from her.. Nor have I seen her in almost 2 months now.
I had the general anaesthetic anyway, took them about 4-5 hours before I went down, I got there at 7:30am and I went down around 11:30am to 12pm.. It was frustrating waiting.. But I did it..
The only thing that hurt me, was that day one of the Anaesthetic doctors was going through my notes in front of me, and at the back of my notes were these scans from my ectopic.. And my heart broke.. It shocked me a little and I upset my mum because I got upset as I saw my scans! That was a weird feeling, it was that bad that I ended up drifting off into my own little world slightly before coming back to 'reality'.
Not to mention, seeing the images of my Cervix that was taken 2 days before during the Colposcopy..
Before I went down I was in a little state of panic for a little while.. The nurse was really nice and the Aneathetist was HOT!!! I was so embarrassed that I started crying before they put me to sleep.. I remember the feeling of the tears falling down my face, and the gentle sound of the Aneathetist saying to me "Good Night, Sweet Dreamings".
During the procedure, I lost 500ml of blood (some how) and woke up to a 'block' and a catheter shoved inside me.. Which was very worrying.. I remember waking up and saying I need a wee.. And being told to not worry because I had a catheter - CONFUSED!!!
But thinking about it now, I think they did that because they didn't want me to get my 'block' wet, as I think the block they put in place was to help bring my vagina back down to normal size slowly and help ease the pain a little??
But when it came to having that block removed was very worrying.. It felt like something was being sucked out of me =O
I am ok now, it hurts in places and at stages.. But I have pain killers to take when I feel I need them, and I have taken 2 paracetamol today and thats it, considering I didn't take anything yesterday that is..
All thats left for me to do now is to wait and see what my results bring in about 3-4 weeks time.
Being in the Gyny block which is now where the Mother & Baby Block is, felt so uncomfortable.. Especially since they've now moved the EPU (Early Pregnancy Unit) which is where I spent a lot of my time when I had my Ectopic.
Seeing all the ladies with beautiful bumps, big and small made me feel empty and sad.. I couldn't help but think:
When is it MY turn..??
I wonder if I looked liked that..??
If Billie was in the right place, would I have a nice bump..??
It kind of bought so many memories of sitting patiently waiting for my scan, and then waiting to see a doctor about the scans, and then seeing all these happy people come out from the scanning room with their images of their babies... It was just very overwhelming.
Even through the Colposcopy I had to check my cervix was heart breaking.. Very scary I had to go in by myself.. Came out of it sore and miserable.. And also came out with an appointment to go back to have a pre-op and to be put under a general anaesthetic because I couldn't have the treatment done that day.
I went away feeling weird, worried and confused.. Had some lunch with my brother but I wasn't in the right frame of mind for anything so I was pretty quiet..
Had a phone call Wednesday to be told that they want me to go in Thursday.. So I agreed.. Without even thinking about it.
I still feel a little guilty as I promised my friend I would babysit my Godson whilst she took her daughter to meet her new class when she goes to school in September.. And I am little upset because I haven't even heard from her.. Nor have I seen her in almost 2 months now.
I had the general anaesthetic anyway, took them about 4-5 hours before I went down, I got there at 7:30am and I went down around 11:30am to 12pm.. It was frustrating waiting.. But I did it..
The only thing that hurt me, was that day one of the Anaesthetic doctors was going through my notes in front of me, and at the back of my notes were these scans from my ectopic.. And my heart broke.. It shocked me a little and I upset my mum because I got upset as I saw my scans! That was a weird feeling, it was that bad that I ended up drifting off into my own little world slightly before coming back to 'reality'.
Not to mention, seeing the images of my Cervix that was taken 2 days before during the Colposcopy..
Before I went down I was in a little state of panic for a little while.. The nurse was really nice and the Aneathetist was HOT!!! I was so embarrassed that I started crying before they put me to sleep.. I remember the feeling of the tears falling down my face, and the gentle sound of the Aneathetist saying to me "Good Night, Sweet Dreamings".
During the procedure, I lost 500ml of blood (some how) and woke up to a 'block' and a catheter shoved inside me.. Which was very worrying.. I remember waking up and saying I need a wee.. And being told to not worry because I had a catheter - CONFUSED!!!
But thinking about it now, I think they did that because they didn't want me to get my 'block' wet, as I think the block they put in place was to help bring my vagina back down to normal size slowly and help ease the pain a little??
But when it came to having that block removed was very worrying.. It felt like something was being sucked out of me =O
I am ok now, it hurts in places and at stages.. But I have pain killers to take when I feel I need them, and I have taken 2 paracetamol today and thats it, considering I didn't take anything yesterday that is..
All thats left for me to do now is to wait and see what my results bring in about 3-4 weeks time.
Friday, March 19
What A Week...
Sunday 14th March was Mothers Day... it wasnt so bad, i wasnt sad too much because obviously i lost my baby on the 26th of feb.. so i spent the day with my other half, his 2 kids and his mate.. was lovely, had a fun filled day with laughs and giggles from the kids..
it wasnt until between 11pm and 12am that i started to get severe pains in my side and i felt sick and dizzy.. i went to the loo thinking it was stomach upset.. nothing so i had a bath to try and ease off the pain abit, fell asleep in the bath a couple of times and also took some soluable paracetamol to ease off some of the pain..
went to bed but i couldnt get comfortable due to the pain, eventually i'd fall asleep only to wake up 20-30mins later in agony, it was like it for 4 hours, in the end i gave in and i sat where i felt comfortable (on the toilet :|...) i sat there from 4am to 8am when i got the other half up as i read up on information from IBS & Ectopic Pregnancy... and it turned out the pain i was feeling was my ectopic pregnancy...
i got hold of my mum, told her what was going on an she said to ring ambulence but i wasnt so sure incase i was being bit whats the word... hypocondriact (not sure if spelt right)
but in the end mum was right, and i gave in and got my other half call me an ambulence, so i was rushed off to hospital on the Monday 15th... i ended up being put on morphine and a drip thing and had to wait around ages for something to be done - as usual lol
i had my emergancy operation at half 3 in the afternoon, i was told that i lost 1 litre of blood and i almost died and could had suffered a heart attack...
i came round and was put on the ward around 730pm
i had:
Mum, Dad, Becci (my sister) Alan (becci's boyfriend) & my Uncle Andy waiting for me.. my other half couldnt be there as he still had his son and he had no way of getting to chi.
i spent few days in hospital.. was awful!
i had to use Bed Pans & portable toilets before i could get myself to the bathroom... lol
I came home on the wednesday afternoon with co-codymol, other type pain killers and iron tablets inlcuding a nice big bottle of lactulose! lol
have been spending time at home with my mum, pretty much sleeping on and off... and my other half came to see me at home twice..
at the moment i am focusing on sorting myself out, psyically - as i need to be strong enough to get through this before i get too emotional!
i have a gone too soon page up on the internet
http://baby-osman-hoad.gonetoosoon.org/
i had to update it, as i assumed i had lost it on the 26th feb when i had my termination injection of the methotrexate drug.
I am not in so much pain anymore, more discomfort and achey type feelings.. so i am just relaxing and trying to get myself better =)
i got the help of my Mum, Brother &a Sister oh and not to forget my other half Tim ;) hehe
I have not heard much in way of friends, or family.. had no visitors other than:
Uncle Andy - Mum - Dad - Becci - Alan - my other half Tim -Angela - Ant (my cousin) - this was in hospital
at home i am with Mum - Becci - Dan
My other half Tim & Alan & Kev are the only 3 people who have visited me at home! =(
it wasnt until between 11pm and 12am that i started to get severe pains in my side and i felt sick and dizzy.. i went to the loo thinking it was stomach upset.. nothing so i had a bath to try and ease off the pain abit, fell asleep in the bath a couple of times and also took some soluable paracetamol to ease off some of the pain..
went to bed but i couldnt get comfortable due to the pain, eventually i'd fall asleep only to wake up 20-30mins later in agony, it was like it for 4 hours, in the end i gave in and i sat where i felt comfortable (on the toilet :|...) i sat there from 4am to 8am when i got the other half up as i read up on information from IBS & Ectopic Pregnancy... and it turned out the pain i was feeling was my ectopic pregnancy...
i got hold of my mum, told her what was going on an she said to ring ambulence but i wasnt so sure incase i was being bit whats the word... hypocondriact (not sure if spelt right)
but in the end mum was right, and i gave in and got my other half call me an ambulence, so i was rushed off to hospital on the Monday 15th... i ended up being put on morphine and a drip thing and had to wait around ages for something to be done - as usual lol
i had my emergancy operation at half 3 in the afternoon, i was told that i lost 1 litre of blood and i almost died and could had suffered a heart attack...
i came round and was put on the ward around 730pm
i had:
Mum, Dad, Becci (my sister) Alan (becci's boyfriend) & my Uncle Andy waiting for me.. my other half couldnt be there as he still had his son and he had no way of getting to chi.
i spent few days in hospital.. was awful!
i had to use Bed Pans & portable toilets before i could get myself to the bathroom... lol
I came home on the wednesday afternoon with co-codymol, other type pain killers and iron tablets inlcuding a nice big bottle of lactulose! lol
have been spending time at home with my mum, pretty much sleeping on and off... and my other half came to see me at home twice..
at the moment i am focusing on sorting myself out, psyically - as i need to be strong enough to get through this before i get too emotional!
i have a gone too soon page up on the internet
http://baby-osman-hoad.gonetoosoon.org/
i had to update it, as i assumed i had lost it on the 26th feb when i had my termination injection of the methotrexate drug.
I am not in so much pain anymore, more discomfort and achey type feelings.. so i am just relaxing and trying to get myself better =)
i got the help of my Mum, Brother &a Sister oh and not to forget my other half Tim ;) hehe
I have not heard much in way of friends, or family.. had no visitors other than:
Uncle Andy - Mum - Dad - Becci - Alan - my other half Tim -Angela - Ant (my cousin) - this was in hospital
at home i am with Mum - Becci - Dan
My other half Tim & Alan & Kev are the only 3 people who have visited me at home! =(
Saturday, March 6
Fun.. Fun.. Fun...
Today after spending the day in bed being ill.. i went out with my other half and his kids! :)
was kinda nice actually.. but have to admit it bit hard, when they not my own! i felt bit sad today because although its good "practise" they aint mine.. and well watching them all 'playfight' etc. it kinda makes me sad because i feel bit like outcast.. probs silly.. just i wish i had a child who wanna play with me.. one of his kids aint too bad... i was getting hugs from one of them and spent the day playing with her.. and pushing around in pushchair..!
I did get some picture's as did my other half and done some funny videos that was cool.. :)
still.. to end this day i got a phone call from the Hospital telling me that they would like me to go back on the 11th for my last (possible final) blood test... just to make sure that my hormone levels go back to normal and there was no problems with my results which means i dont have to have another Injection for the termination because it has done what it was meant to do.. so thats kinda good i guess.
was kinda nice actually.. but have to admit it bit hard, when they not my own! i felt bit sad today because although its good "practise" they aint mine.. and well watching them all 'playfight' etc. it kinda makes me sad because i feel bit like outcast.. probs silly.. just i wish i had a child who wanna play with me.. one of his kids aint too bad... i was getting hugs from one of them and spent the day playing with her.. and pushing around in pushchair..!
I did get some picture's as did my other half and done some funny videos that was cool.. :)
still.. to end this day i got a phone call from the Hospital telling me that they would like me to go back on the 11th for my last (possible final) blood test... just to make sure that my hormone levels go back to normal and there was no problems with my results which means i dont have to have another Injection for the termination because it has done what it was meant to do.. so thats kinda good i guess.
Thursday, March 4
my.. my.. my..
What A Day... What A Day...
Had my last blood test today (dunno if good thing or bad...?) plus i am still bleeding on and off and light, sort of like 'spotting'
Spent the day with my other half and his son, which was nice.. even if it did hurt at times because it often hurts knowing that i had to loose mine, and i just dont have a connection like he does with his kids and it hurts! :( silly really.. but i just really wish i had my own child that would actually be excited to see me everyday and want to play with me and everything!
i dunno i guess i being silly... but i just in some ways in the 2 weeks i knew i was pregnant i kinda had this whole idea of what a family would be like and finding out it was ectopic just killed something inside! people say i can try again etc. but who is to say that this time the baby will grow in my womb and not in my tubes or ovaries or wherever it was this time around etc.
other than that it was an OK day till some berk starts causing problems with her "thats not what he said" or "he was seeing me at the weekend" etc. etc. etc. i am board of hearing it and board of you knowing that you can control my mind by not even seeing me ...!!
I am now chilling out, has just had spaghetti and meatballs made for me for my late late dinner... whilst watching a film called Stick It, that my other half bought me in BlockBusters! :)
Had my last blood test today (dunno if good thing or bad...?) plus i am still bleeding on and off and light, sort of like 'spotting'
Spent the day with my other half and his son, which was nice.. even if it did hurt at times because it often hurts knowing that i had to loose mine, and i just dont have a connection like he does with his kids and it hurts! :( silly really.. but i just really wish i had my own child that would actually be excited to see me everyday and want to play with me and everything!
i dunno i guess i being silly... but i just in some ways in the 2 weeks i knew i was pregnant i kinda had this whole idea of what a family would be like and finding out it was ectopic just killed something inside! people say i can try again etc. but who is to say that this time the baby will grow in my womb and not in my tubes or ovaries or wherever it was this time around etc.
other than that it was an OK day till some berk starts causing problems with her "thats not what he said" or "he was seeing me at the weekend" etc. etc. etc. i am board of hearing it and board of you knowing that you can control my mind by not even seeing me ...!!
I am now chilling out, has just had spaghetti and meatballs made for me for my late late dinner... whilst watching a film called Stick It, that my other half bought me in BlockBusters! :)
Monday, March 1
1st March
what to say about today....?
had a bad nights sleep... and got up early-ish to go to the hospital for my blood test to see if my hormones are decreasing yet, got my second one thursday and then shall decide if i need the second injection....
and spent the day with the other half in Chichester wondering around bit going in and out of shops
even went to see my mummy at work today =) which was fun!
hasnt been all that bad today, even if i did sit in mcdonalds and i felt sad and i still feel it now writing this, but i should realise and know that i did the right thing, but i still feel and wish that my baby was IN my WOMB and nowhere else and i would be happy and able to say YAY I PREGNANT........... but no!! :(
its hard and i keep upsetting myself half the time, but i just wish that i had my own baby my own chance to do something good and be a mom like everyone else i know!
had a bad nights sleep... and got up early-ish to go to the hospital for my blood test to see if my hormones are decreasing yet, got my second one thursday and then shall decide if i need the second injection....
and spent the day with the other half in Chichester wondering around bit going in and out of shops
even went to see my mummy at work today =) which was fun!
hasnt been all that bad today, even if i did sit in mcdonalds and i felt sad and i still feel it now writing this, but i should realise and know that i did the right thing, but i still feel and wish that my baby was IN my WOMB and nowhere else and i would be happy and able to say YAY I PREGNANT........... but no!! :(
its hard and i keep upsetting myself half the time, but i just wish that i had my own baby my own chance to do something good and be a mom like everyone else i know!
Saturday, February 27
never thought i would see the day..
..... that i would have to make an awful decision!!!
On the 12th feburay i found i was pregnant.. but i had a bleed.. so i panicked and was told on the phone by doctor to get in touch with A&E and get down there asap.. so as i couldnt get up there i had to call for an ambulence as i wasnt in the right frame of mind in the end.. i was then told that despite the bleed and still having some pregnancy symptoms it was a good sign... so off home i go knowing i AM pregnant...
come the 15th i had my scan booked, excited and nervous to be having it and heartbroken to learn there is nothing in my uterous.. put it down to a possible miscarriage and sent me off for blood tests, wasnt high enough hormones so more blood tests i have, still not high enough so have another one, still not high enough, have my scan 23rd feb, still nothing on the screen possible ectopic with the baby growing in my ovary.. more blood tests.. chance of having a normal pregnancy due to the hormones rocketing, more blood tests hormones rising slowly... scan again 26th feb.. still nothing on scan, so now its confirmed ectopic...
i was then told that i had two choices .. both of which werent good but i had to choose one....
Injection to kill/stop the cells growing or an operations to remove the cells and be in hospital for 2 days with chances and risks of complications...
so i chose the Injection, i had to terminate the pregnancy, i had no choice.. it was that or death and either way the baby wouldnt grow/survive and i would then be putting myself at risk so i had to do the "right" thing.....
Personally.... the "Termination" hasnt sunk in yet, well not properly.. i keep getting upset now and again in little spurts.. but thats how i am in some respects normally with my BPD.. but yesterday was really hard, and personally i dont know where and how i got the courage to get through all that i have these last 2 weeks..
apart of it feels like i have done all this for nothing, and apart of me is a tiny bit glad i got the chance to be pregnant... (due to being sure i was infertile)
So, now, i am in some ways i have my own special little angel ...
despite what others may think or feel about that.. but i was 8weeks and it was a very tiny baby that was in my belly :(
Now, this leaves me with:
more blood tests Monday & Thursday to make sure the hormone levels are decreasing... if not i have another injection next Friday :(
and this now leaves me.. with no pregnancy and no baby :(
Saturday, February 20
what a nightmare...
i havent been posting for the last week due to not being able to say or know whats going on till i knew for sure...
but on the 9th Feb, i had gone to doctors for a suspected pregnancy, got my results back on the 12th and ended up in A&E lol
When i was informed of the results i burst into tears and was panicking on the phone, she informed me to go to hospital so i did - in an Ambulence.. woopwoop my first time i get to go in one as i wasnt with it, and because i couldnt get to A&E! lol
so i found out that i am pregnant, regardless of the bleeding i was having at the time (stopped the day after thankgod)
so i spent this last week wondering whats going on, and having blood tests checking my hormone levels! lol
still.. i had one today and i find out results Monday afternoon... so fingers crossed its OK and i still get to have a scan on tuesday too.. fingers crossed...
but on the 9th Feb, i had gone to doctors for a suspected pregnancy, got my results back on the 12th and ended up in A&E lol
When i was informed of the results i burst into tears and was panicking on the phone, she informed me to go to hospital so i did - in an Ambulence.. woopwoop my first time i get to go in one as i wasnt with it, and because i couldnt get to A&E! lol
so i found out that i am pregnant, regardless of the bleeding i was having at the time (stopped the day after thankgod)
so i spent this last week wondering whats going on, and having blood tests checking my hormone levels! lol
still.. i had one today and i find out results Monday afternoon... so fingers crossed its OK and i still get to have a scan on tuesday too.. fingers crossed...
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