Today marks the 10th year that I lost my baby through an Ectopic Pregnancy. I have wrote about this in the past on here but I also write more to my other blog that I started when I first had the methotrexate injection to terminate the pregnancy in hopes to save my tube. Unfortunately this was not the case and within 2 weeks my tube had ruptured so I then lost both the baby and my tube.
This pregnancy and baby was very much wanted. I have always wanted to be a mum and have a family of my own and it is a shame that it ended in the way it did. I don't think that it helped with the hospital being unsure as I was first treated as a suspected miscarriage at first. Then I was in and out of hospital for blood tests, scans and examinations. They also believed that during one of my blood tests they felt the baby could be a normal pregnancy because of the way the hormone levels had grown within 48 hours. But I kept having scans and bloods done and the fact the baby was still growing but they couldn't see it that is when they decided that it was an ectopic pregnancy and which is why I opted to have an injection which is called Methotrexate to stop the pregnancy from growing as I did not want to have surgery there and then. I just didn't know that it was going to continue growing as I was unable to get to have my last blood test done as I kept paying out for bus tickets to go back and forth to the hospital and no one could take me and I was having issues with an idiot contacting me solidly that I ended up ignoring ALL the unknown numbers and not knowing that one of them was actually the hospital until a few days later when I had credit to check my answerphone and that wasn't until I had ended up in hospital this day 10 years ago.
I do not remember much of this day but that is because it all happened so fast and I did not have time to process the situation. I mean I know what happened because I remember having to get another ambulance to the hospital by myself as I was in so much pain and had no way of getting to the hospital but my mum had met me there. I remember bits of what happened when I first got there and having a nurse kinda shrugging it off thinking that it was just a urine infection or something and then when I was seen by a doctor he was really mean to me. I remember him asking me to lay down but kept saying I couldn't and then he tried to force me to lay down and I got upset because it hurt that much not long after that my gynecologist came down to do an inspection and realized what was going on and I was given morphine for the pain and plugged up to machines. I had to wait in A&E for a while before I eventually got taken up to the wards which is when they did a emergency scan to see what was going on and within 30mins of being put on the ward I was taken straight away to theater.
To this day I still don't fully know or understand what actually happened that day. When I got brought round I remember my mum, dad, sister & her bf at the time and my uncle being there when I woke up. I wasn't quite with it when I came round as was groggy and still sleepy. I had doctors come round to see me but the one I do remember is someone coming in to ask what they was meant to do with my baby because they couldn't find the paperwork I had signed but I didn't question it I just said I filled loads of paperwork in but didn't know what it was as I was rushed off so quickly.
The next day my mum and sister came to see me and so did my boyfriend at the time which was good.. My dad came to see me in the evening and brought one of my cousins with me as no other family members wanted to come and see me. My brother was in Bristol with his girlfriend at the time but he still kept in touch and I saw him when he came back. I also remember being on a ward with a few older ladies. One of the younger ladies who was also on the ward was leaving the day after I had the surgery and she gave me her remaining days of telly that she had brought so I could still watch tv during day/evening which was really lovely of her. I stayed in from the 15th to the 18th or 19th March. Wasn't fun I ended up going home with my mum for a week and my boyfriend at the time came over to see me few times and even went back to him after the week I spent at home.
I remember my first shower at home I had to get my mum to help me as I couldn't get my incisions wet. That was a task and a half lol especially where the downstairs bathroom was so small but she helped me. Although she did scare me when it came to taking off my bandages as one of the incisions looked infected so I had to go to my doctors for a check up so I could hand in my discharge letter at the same time. I also had to book myself back in there for more blood tests to check and make sure everything went back to "normal" meaning my hormone and my iron levels etc as I had lost a lot of blood so I had to have a blood transfusion which I didn't realise till after.
I have been told that I can have access to my hospital records if I wanted too but they also have the right to refuse the access if you have mental health issues. And where I have BPD, depression and anxiety issues I don't think they'd allow me to know anything I am not sure I haven't looked into it since I last tried to look into this.
Recently I went to the doctors for issues with my periods again and I mentioned that I had my left fallopian tube removed via laparoscopic operation and she asked if they saw anything then and I said I did not know as it never got mentioned and she checked the discharge letter that I was given to take to my doctor and she said that it was very vague and only states that they removed my left fallopian tube that was it. I am not sure if the doctors have access to my hospital records I never thought of asking until now *doh* but it is something that I need to address and I think it's time I found out the truth and learn what happened properly.
I feel a little disappointed that not many people have remembered or even mentioned it since. I have been through my memories on facebook and there was quite few people who used to message me or comment on my wall to let me know they was thinking about me without being reminded. The only 2 people who have contacted me off their own backs was my mum she text me yesterday to see how I was doing and will be popping in but not sure when I am waiting to hear. The 2nd person is my best friend who has only been in my life for around 8 years give or take but the friends who have been in my life a lot longer haven't bothered to check up on me.
But perhaps that is my own fault for not continuing to talk about it I'm not sure. I just know that not everyone wants to know or read about it because as people used to say to me that everyone goes through it but I have to admit I was told "everyone goes through it" but the issue I have is that I still don't know anyone who has gone through it because it is fairly rare compared to the other pregnancy losses. I am in different groups on facebook to do with ectopic pregnancy but I don't know any of them.
If you want to read more about what I have been through then please head on over to Life After My Ectopic Pregnancy. (link opens in new window)
Showing posts with label hurt. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hurt. Show all posts
Sunday, March 15
Monday, January 27
Am I Really As Bad As I Think I Am...
I just don't know what to do anymore. I am at a loss and just feel miserable and very hurt.
Basically, every time I try and make plans to see someone I always get messed about and lied too. I don't understand it but no one wants to know me anymore and it really hurts.
My so called best friend wants nothing to do with me pretty much she barely speaks to me now. Last time she did this was when she got a boyfriend so no doubt she is seeing someone else now and I just get dropped because I am no longer needed or wanted. She just doesn't care about me anymore and I don't understand what I have done wrong or why she is treating me badly now. She messaged me out of the blue over a week ago and she got shitty with me because I told her that she can't just ignore me and expect me to drop everything and go running to see her I can't keep doing that. It's not fair on me. She picks me up and drops me when it suits her. I mean our friendship has always been one sided, and that was me going out of my way to hang out with her because for some reason she refuses to come to my place now. I have been here for almost 2 and a half years and she has been round here twice to stay over. If she does come round we are here for like 10mins and she wants to go straight away and stuff like that. It's frustrating because she promised me when I moved in on my own she would be here for me and she would be round every chance she got and from then she just made up all these excuses and it got to the point where I stopped asking.
It pissed me off last week because I had arranged to go out with her sister (also one of my friends) to go with her to get her tattoo done and she wanted me to dye her hair. I stupidly agreed but then when I thought about it I was just like why am I doing this, I don't know why I agreed to this. As it happened her sister who I went with to get her tattoo asked me to do her hair and so I agreed to do hers because I had already messed up her hair in the first place and I said I'd fix it. But as it happened I was told I was needed by someone else so I cancelled doing their hair on Thursday and my so called friend wasn't interested when I said that I needed to finish off some stuff at the flat as I had my medical on friday.
Oh that reminds me, none of them asked me how I got on! Only people who checked up on me was my mum and my sister. That's it but then granted I didn't announce it to everyone because it's not their business it's mine and my issues that I had to get through. Which has also made me realise that I am just wasting my time on so called friends.
I just don't understand what the hell is wrong with me and why no one wants to be my friend and why people feel the need to treat me so badly. It really really hurts and I am just stuck I don't know what to do or say or anything it sucks. I know I am not the easiest person to get on with as I can be moody and I do tend to keep myself to myself a lot and not bother anyone with my problems or if I am having a bad day because in reality no one actually cares or gives a crap and my so called friend proved that when she asked me once how I was feeling and I admitted that I wasn't doing so well and she completely ignored that and started talking about herself and how she is so ill and she hopes to go to work the next day etc. In the end I did to her what she did to me and just give her basic responses and just wasn't interested because all I kept thinking was if that's how she treated me that day is this what shes been doing to me the last couple of years and I have been too blind to notice?
I honestly do what I can for others and make time for them and talk to them when they need someone to talk too etc. I do it because I know how it feels when no one is here for me and I don't want anyone to feel the same way I do all the time because it isn't fair.
Now, I don't do all this to make sure that someone is here for me in the long run because I know that in reality it doesn't happen. I just don't want people feeling the same way I feel constantly.
All that this has made me feel like shit and that my world is crashing down around me. It's also made me feel that I am as worthless that I think I am same with unwanted and unloved. I also feel very lonely and I just want to close my heart and my mind up and not let anyone else in because this really is so hard. I think having the BPD has made this worse because I don't think like a normal person does my emotions and feelings are different which doesn't help..
Basically, every time I try and make plans to see someone I always get messed about and lied too. I don't understand it but no one wants to know me anymore and it really hurts.
My so called best friend wants nothing to do with me pretty much she barely speaks to me now. Last time she did this was when she got a boyfriend so no doubt she is seeing someone else now and I just get dropped because I am no longer needed or wanted. She just doesn't care about me anymore and I don't understand what I have done wrong or why she is treating me badly now. She messaged me out of the blue over a week ago and she got shitty with me because I told her that she can't just ignore me and expect me to drop everything and go running to see her I can't keep doing that. It's not fair on me. She picks me up and drops me when it suits her. I mean our friendship has always been one sided, and that was me going out of my way to hang out with her because for some reason she refuses to come to my place now. I have been here for almost 2 and a half years and she has been round here twice to stay over. If she does come round we are here for like 10mins and she wants to go straight away and stuff like that. It's frustrating because she promised me when I moved in on my own she would be here for me and she would be round every chance she got and from then she just made up all these excuses and it got to the point where I stopped asking.
It pissed me off last week because I had arranged to go out with her sister (also one of my friends) to go with her to get her tattoo done and she wanted me to dye her hair. I stupidly agreed but then when I thought about it I was just like why am I doing this, I don't know why I agreed to this. As it happened her sister who I went with to get her tattoo asked me to do her hair and so I agreed to do hers because I had already messed up her hair in the first place and I said I'd fix it. But as it happened I was told I was needed by someone else so I cancelled doing their hair on Thursday and my so called friend wasn't interested when I said that I needed to finish off some stuff at the flat as I had my medical on friday.
Oh that reminds me, none of them asked me how I got on! Only people who checked up on me was my mum and my sister. That's it but then granted I didn't announce it to everyone because it's not their business it's mine and my issues that I had to get through. Which has also made me realise that I am just wasting my time on so called friends.
I just don't understand what the hell is wrong with me and why no one wants to be my friend and why people feel the need to treat me so badly. It really really hurts and I am just stuck I don't know what to do or say or anything it sucks. I know I am not the easiest person to get on with as I can be moody and I do tend to keep myself to myself a lot and not bother anyone with my problems or if I am having a bad day because in reality no one actually cares or gives a crap and my so called friend proved that when she asked me once how I was feeling and I admitted that I wasn't doing so well and she completely ignored that and started talking about herself and how she is so ill and she hopes to go to work the next day etc. In the end I did to her what she did to me and just give her basic responses and just wasn't interested because all I kept thinking was if that's how she treated me that day is this what shes been doing to me the last couple of years and I have been too blind to notice?
I honestly do what I can for others and make time for them and talk to them when they need someone to talk too etc. I do it because I know how it feels when no one is here for me and I don't want anyone to feel the same way I do all the time because it isn't fair.
Now, I don't do all this to make sure that someone is here for me in the long run because I know that in reality it doesn't happen. I just don't want people feeling the same way I feel constantly.
All that this has made me feel like shit and that my world is crashing down around me. It's also made me feel that I am as worthless that I think I am same with unwanted and unloved. I also feel very lonely and I just want to close my heart and my mind up and not let anyone else in because this really is so hard. I think having the BPD has made this worse because I don't think like a normal person does my emotions and feelings are different which doesn't help..
Saturday, July 28
Things That Make You Wonder .... "WHY"
Over the last few days, I have been finding various things out, and I don't like what I see..
I run graphics through a friend page on Facebook, and over the last few months I have come to meet some nice people, some not so nice.
Worst thing is, the not so nice things come from someone whom you classed as a 'friend'
Everyone has their opinions, I am not saying they don't, but surely if you had a problem with someone you would therefore explain it to someone to hope to solve the differences or just brush it off and ignore it because you know full well that saying something would cause drama.. Or so you think!
I've been hurt and distraught over people taking advantage of me, and reporting me for silly little things left right and centre, but never did I expect to see it come from someone whom you class as a friend..
1st problem - made a graphic to print, laminate & post - which I did, but then claimed never got it and then set a month long problem with PayPal.. Got their refund & their graphic *sigh*
2nd problem - made a timeline cover & display picture to help out a 'friend' for free - stole my design stuck them onto t-shirts and sold them *sigh*
3rd problem - a 'friend' criticise my work, wrote how they wanted to hurt me, and blocked me from seeing everything on their page - god knows why :\ and now I think I've fallen out with my friend over it..
This is the 3rd thing to go wrong since doing my graphics, all in the space of months! Something is starting to tell me that maybe I am wasting my time and efforts in doing what I am doing, and I should just give up..
Another part of me is telling myself to not give up and let these people win, because there are people out there whom have come forward and told me how my work has helped them grieve and so much more..
I don't want to let people down, but I don't want people criticising me and being generally rude for no reason at all.. I've never criticised them or their work, and I have been doing what I do for the last 7 years, not to mention the 2 year gap! But I still designed websites for friends..
Really wish I knew what gave people the idea to say things like this, especially to fellow designers and friends!!
I get a lot of my inspiration from other graphics.. I look at them and think
" ohh wow I like that, I wonder if I can do it too "
And so I try, sometimes I fail, sometimes I don't..
Its not my fault a lot of the scrap kits are free to download, some are to purchase.. Not to mention having over 1000 of tubes!
All my work I do in Paintshop Pro X2 and I love it and love using it.. I am always learning new things.
I run graphics through a friend page on Facebook, and over the last few months I have come to meet some nice people, some not so nice.
Worst thing is, the not so nice things come from someone whom you classed as a 'friend'
Everyone has their opinions, I am not saying they don't, but surely if you had a problem with someone you would therefore explain it to someone to hope to solve the differences or just brush it off and ignore it because you know full well that saying something would cause drama.. Or so you think!
I've been hurt and distraught over people taking advantage of me, and reporting me for silly little things left right and centre, but never did I expect to see it come from someone whom you class as a friend..
1st problem - made a graphic to print, laminate & post - which I did, but then claimed never got it and then set a month long problem with PayPal.. Got their refund & their graphic *sigh*
2nd problem - made a timeline cover & display picture to help out a 'friend' for free - stole my design stuck them onto t-shirts and sold them *sigh*
3rd problem - a 'friend' criticise my work, wrote how they wanted to hurt me, and blocked me from seeing everything on their page - god knows why :\ and now I think I've fallen out with my friend over it..
This is the 3rd thing to go wrong since doing my graphics, all in the space of months! Something is starting to tell me that maybe I am wasting my time and efforts in doing what I am doing, and I should just give up..
Another part of me is telling myself to not give up and let these people win, because there are people out there whom have come forward and told me how my work has helped them grieve and so much more..
I don't want to let people down, but I don't want people criticising me and being generally rude for no reason at all.. I've never criticised them or their work, and I have been doing what I do for the last 7 years, not to mention the 2 year gap! But I still designed websites for friends..
Really wish I knew what gave people the idea to say things like this, especially to fellow designers and friends!!
I get a lot of my inspiration from other graphics.. I look at them and think
" ohh wow I like that, I wonder if I can do it too "
And so I try, sometimes I fail, sometimes I don't..
Its not my fault a lot of the scrap kits are free to download, some are to purchase.. Not to mention having over 1000 of tubes!
All my work I do in Paintshop Pro X2 and I love it and love using it.. I am always learning new things.
Thursday, March 25
What Is Happening To Me..?
This morning i woke up to my "brother" hurling abuse about me and to me over my facebook page... and i still have not got down to the "real" reason.. he keeps saying:
- "your the biggest bitch in the world"
- "your a BULLY"
- "you ruined my life"
and various things along that line... but the one thing that hurt me the most was this:
"You ficked your life up by getting knocked up. Its your fault all this and I'm glad your baby is dead, i don't care! you would had ruined it's life, like you do everyone elses"
..to what did i deserve those cruel words!?
I tell you why i think i got that kind of abuse - i stood up for my mother, he was hurling abuse at her because..
1 - his phone was barred and didnt know why
2 - his ps3 controller wasnt working, so went up stairs to bash it up some more
3 - mum paid HIS phone bill and threatened her because it wasnt HIS fault (yet the sim is in HIS phone.. work that out)
i cant believe that my own flesh and blood, my own brother, would use them cruel words! i have never ever heard anything like it, and i have had abuse thrown at me before now many a times!
It was dreadful.. my brother was there when i got the results of my pregnancy..
my brother was there sitting with me in the ambulence when i had to go to A&E as i was bleeding..
my brother was there with me sitting in A&E
my brother was there talking about how cool it would be to be an uncle and how he would like to be called
my brother was there for me that day i found out it was ectopic..
my brother was there for me few days later when i come back from the hospital after the emergancy operation
....all these things he had done for me and been there for me which was just amazing to then turn around few days later and say these harmful words...?
I'm deeply hurt, and deeply gobsmacked
=(
^This Is Me, Dan & Becci (92/93)^
^ this is me with dan (04/05) ^
^ this is most recent pic of dan and me (08/09?) ^
...we looked so happy.... what on earth happened to my brother....?
Saturday, March 13
Cut Me Some Slack..
Today i am very tired.. i didnt sleep well after going to bed around 3am i did not sleep very well i couldnt get what happened before hand with this girl upsetting me and causing me problems..
It was dreadful everyone tells me i am strong after what i been through so i shouldnt let her ruin me, but it is hard when stuff like that has been said and sent to my phone that i now have to change my mobile number just to stop the hurt and abuse coming through to me first!
Trouble is, she threats me all the time, been threatening with some person to beat me to pulp twice in space of few hours that never even happened.. and threatening to come over again today! and what makes it worse is she lies to get the attention and then my other half texts her to find out what she playing at etc. but as he says, she does it to wind me up and upset me and play mind games with me.. but if that is the case, then why does he continue to allow the idiot to threaten us and text her because she says she is coming over when she really isnt!?
i wish i had the answers and i really wish none of this ever happened.. but unfortantly the little girl gets off on the attention and rows that have been going on with her for the last few months, possibily the last year.
All she goes on about is being pregnant.. but for a pregnant person she sure dont act like it.. threatening, causing rows, upset - not just towards us but it involves her too but no, instead of leaving us alone she continues to cause problems!
some people are stupid, strange, cruel, manipulative and heartles...!!
...no wonder this girl has no friends really.. and is about to loose her job - talk about nut job....
It was dreadful everyone tells me i am strong after what i been through so i shouldnt let her ruin me, but it is hard when stuff like that has been said and sent to my phone that i now have to change my mobile number just to stop the hurt and abuse coming through to me first!
Trouble is, she threats me all the time, been threatening with some person to beat me to pulp twice in space of few hours that never even happened.. and threatening to come over again today! and what makes it worse is she lies to get the attention and then my other half texts her to find out what she playing at etc. but as he says, she does it to wind me up and upset me and play mind games with me.. but if that is the case, then why does he continue to allow the idiot to threaten us and text her because she says she is coming over when she really isnt!?
i wish i had the answers and i really wish none of this ever happened.. but unfortantly the little girl gets off on the attention and rows that have been going on with her for the last few months, possibily the last year.
All she goes on about is being pregnant.. but for a pregnant person she sure dont act like it.. threatening, causing rows, upset - not just towards us but it involves her too but no, instead of leaving us alone she continues to cause problems!
some people are stupid, strange, cruel, manipulative and heartles...!!
...no wonder this girl has no friends really.. and is about to loose her job - talk about nut job....
Saturday, February 27
Gone Too Soon...
Too very soon...
Today i wrote out a memorial page for my now Little Angel 'Billie' i named it because i felt it deserved a name, so i chose Billie as in some ways it is a Unisex Name - and i already know of people who have used names such as
Ashley
Bailey
and it was the first that come to my head anyway...
So here it is .. Billies Gone Too Soon Page.....
God Must Have Some Plans For My Angel That I Never Got To See, Never Got The Chance To Grow.. And Never Got A Chance...
I Love You Always Lil One xxx
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